Sunday, September 18, 2016

Trying to be optimistic feels like constant work

Oh boy. It's actually such hard work to try and be happy. Is there such a thing as a sad optimistic person, and a happy pessimistic person? Or does happiness equal optimism equal sunshine? No clue really.

Work is getting least I've managed to stay on this job for more than a year now, which is the longest I've ever done. Can't believe I've had three jobs so far and this is my longest lol, but I already feel like quitting. Being a management consultant is actually pretty stressful; I thought I could cope with it but hmm...but when I compare myself to my investment banker friends I definitely feel a lot better about myself lol (though I guess they are easily paid 30-40% more than I am)

One good thing: I've been getting good results from going to the gym. I'm very pleased actually. It has been very very slow of course - but I definitely lift heavier now and look a little bit more buff. I do think I have a bit of a body dysmorphic syndrome - loads of people have told me that I have a nice enough body but I tend to still think I have a long way to go. 

And this is the thing that also bugs me - is my perpetual sense of harsh self-criticism a manifestation of my Asian culture of always seeking for ways to improve, but collaterally also always feeling like one is never good enough? I have a lot of these philosophical musings nowadays. 

I wonder is this what it is like to get older? I am starting to feel like time is slipping through my fingers which is crazy because I'm not even 30. But there is a certain sense of monotony and nihilism in just going to work and coming back to an empty apartment and spending most weekends by myself's just pretty lonely.

I really do miss being in love and being in a relationship. I definitely felt like life was full of hope and meaning. Until it all came crashing down of course. And it is sad that it almost seems like I obtain the most amount of happiness through being in a relationship, when people would always tell me "no, be by yourself and it'll be the best thing ever for yourself. You'll have so much fun and you won't feel tied down and find validation from within."

But what if that works for some but not for all? What if I'm just not cut out for just being single all the time? I can't even make myself really go on any dates with men - firstly there is literally no one eye-catching around; all the men I find physically hot are straight. Secondly, the gay guys here in London are just all so stereotypical. There are the gaymers, the young waif catty twinks, the muscle-bound escorts (they always are escorts), the hairy, the leather daddies, and the most annoying ones to me - the old white dudes who assume I would spread my legs open like Nutella on a fucking sandwich because they are white and I am a young nubile Asian boy.

Lol in English slang, just sod off. No kidding these are 50-60 year old dudes, and I'm just like...if you're looking for a young twentysomething WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I AM LOOKING FOR ANYTHING THAT DIFFERENT? Sheesh...

Most of the Asian guys here however, actually primarily go for white guys, so I'm really just stuck with talking to rice queens. Seriously - why can't people be less racist about this kinda shit? I wouldn't limit myself to a race or exclude myself from dating someone of another race.

And I feel kinda shitty about something I did recently. I've been feeling sexually frustrated...and there's this dude who's just a friend but I know he has the hots for me, and so he came round to talk and we had a couple drinks. I got pretty drunk in the end and so I let him massage me and then he actually rimmed me and sucked me off. He tried to kiss me too but I refused's really bad of me but he's really unfit and short and not he didn't do anything for me but the fact that he worshipped my body and couldn't stop sucking my nipples and feeling my body everywhere turned me on so much. I just really wanted to feel desired.

The next day I started feeling quite shitty about myself. Because I clearly used him, although for him I know he enjoyed it a lot because it was his lucky day to get to do that to me. He told me my body is amazing and he would have sucked me all night if he didn't have to go back to his bf's place because they're not seeing each other for a month (yeah - so that turned me on even more because he was being such an asshole to put me over his bf - they are open btw).

And I also felt shit because I'm really afraid that I'm a narcissist, or worse a sociopath. Because I've had such encounters before where I have no qualms at all just using people for my own pleasure, and then discarding them after. These are what I call "pity fucks" and I've done this in NYC, HK, etc - usually with really unattractive (to me) guys who thirst the shit out of wanting to touch me. And I just love that thrill and also almost just dehumanising them, getting them to kneel and do whatever I want with them.

A while back too there was this short French guy, and okay he's actually really young like 23 and pretty cute but kinda feminine (and also is dating a Taiwanese guy - as mentioned, all rice queens) and he kept saying I was really cute over lunch near my workplace, and I just liked that so much I brought him to a stairwell near a bridge like 3 minutes walk from my workplace and I dropped my pants and got him to kneel and suck me off. And actually he has a really nice suckable 7.5" ish dick I believe, but I just wanted all the attention to be on me.

I don't know again if this is just me being way too harsh on myself, but it's been making me feel quite awful about myself. I hate it especially because some dude once called me a sociopath though I really think he was one instead. But I don't know...

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Is there something wrong with me?

I know I should stop thinking that way - that something is wrong with me, but I really do feel that way. I have crippling anxiety problems that keep me up at night quite frequently. Which is silly.

I am going to really follow these steps

And start physically writing down my tears and fears. It makes sense. They must become more trivial and silly once confronted.

Anyway, it's been so many months now. Like. 8 I guess since I broke up with N. We are still in contact. Which probably makes sense why I can't seem to forget about him and move on. He wants to try again but I'm still really so unsure.

In fact to be honest, I feel like I have little faith in love now. I've noticed this about me - I am once again, like my pre-out days, entirely cynical about relationships and true love. I watched The Normal Heart. I cried a lot. It made me feel disgusting to be gay for some reason.

Men only love when it is convenient to them. Love as a concept isn't everlasting at all, even when properly nurtured and tended to over time. My friends are part of a restless generation that constantly thinks one can do better than the current partner after a while. In the past people broke up with each other because they hated each other; now it's because they don't love each other enough. Because love was just one ingredient in what made a successful relationship for our parents, but now it seems like it's the end all be all. But the shit thing about this is that we perceive love as the stuff we see in movies. And so no one has realistic standards. And so in the end people cheat, lie, betray.

It feels inevitable that after a while people take the people closest to them for granted.

I do not ever want to be taken for granted. I feel like I might be at the stage where I will just close myself off from love. I have lots of guys that want to meet me up through Grindr / Tinder etc (I think I have 1400 unread messages on Grindr) but I'm really not interested in any of them. I just want to admire men from afar really. It just feels much safer that way, to covet for the unattainable, and be coveted as an unattainable.

Sunday, August 7, 2016

in many ways

, being single is overrated. but everything happens for a reason, and i am finding a lot of strength in myself that i never knew existed. i guess we all think we know better until shit really hits the fan. life is very optimistic in our untested environments. but once unexpected change comes, it is crippling, isn't it.

but the very good news is, human beings are awfully good at adapting to new environments. even the ones that we don't like.

is it strange, that even after so many months, when the waters in my heart ebb and flow in calm tides skirting round the jagged rocks that were my bad memories - that somehow my heart still patiently thinks of him? in many ways i am very happy with how things are going now - but almost every single activity i catch myself still thinking 'how nice would it be if i could hold n's hand and do this activity with him.'

be still, my heart. these things take time to unfold for themselves. i am neither dismissing, nor encouraging fantasies of n being back in my life - but i do have to admit to myself that he is still very much present in some aspects of my life.

we text. we meet up. we hug. we fight. we don't have sex. we yell. we make up. we smile.

we are neither friends nor are we lovers nor are we strangers. two bodies together but not together. how very odd indeed.

in other words, i write so much less nowadays. that is sad. i always loved writing.

Friday, June 17, 2016

life is still pretty much fucking awesome

a little weird that after my title, i'm writing about GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) but i finally sort of understand, like, my brain really. i've always had this worry that i'm 'abnormal' - that i'm this hyper self-aware self-critical guy with a constant sense of worry, that i have to be this fucking perfect person, because everyone around me is scrutinising me and judging me, which then leads me to form some sort of emotional detachment with my own feelings, flooding my brain with thoughts to rationalize away my pity and fear (yes - DCFC reference there),

and now i realise that i am not crazy - i merely am medically borderline crazy. lol. just kidding. but really - i've anxiety issues. wow. i read this:

and dude. it's spot on. what's worse is that i grew up GAY in a sociocultural environment that practically denies the existence of feelings (i mean - there is def. a stereotype that asian people are robots) and so no wonder my brain is a little fucked up!

but after seeing my therapist and stuff, she assured me that i'm fine. in fact, she said i'm really bright. which...well, i already knew that haha. but honestly, i wish i was more simple-minded. i read people's blogs, and i just look at people's eyes and the way they act and react and they're simpler. stupider, and simpler. life is easier that way.

but anyhow, i am, in a general sense, happy. man. i had a great day at work. this whole being a management consultant thing - i'm digging it. i am basically being paid to learn. learn like, soft skills really. organisation skills. ways to structure a situation and ways to solve a problem. it's great. it's like - actually such useful skills to have in life. i'm basically setting myself up to do great things in the future. and i'm happy for that.

second, my body. wow. i've become pretty lean. after my break-up and shit, i put my mind into being all like, fuck it, i'm going to make myself sexy, and he's gonna regret it, and after a while, i'll claim my new body for my own rather than for some vengeful blahblah.

it's not perfect yet, but i'm really proud of where it's at now:

and yes. i skip leg days. it's too tiring to train legs. though i want a nice butt. but anyhow i like myself lean and tiny. i do take way way more slutty shirtless selfies now too hahaha but it's fine. it's actually incredibly empowering to see changes in my body and be proud of it. 

third, i actually do get a lot of attention from guys. granted, none that i find attractive, but it's still nice. for example, this random guy messaged me on instagram after going on a like-rampage:

(also that comment about sociopath is because i told him i went on a 'date' and the guy called me a sociopath with little empathy for other human beings - which i assumed meant that he didn't want to see me again but he weirdly texted me after the meet-up that if i ever wanted to donate my salty cum to him, just let him know... lolwtf)

anyway what i've realised is - 1) unattractive guys do not have no taste as what i have always assumed - they still have standards, but just are less bitchy and more honest about their opinions. so i shouldn't just dismiss their compliments as empty words really 2) i still have not fooled around with anyone after breaking up with N other than that one time back home in february, but i'm okay about it. i'm always horny as fuck, and always on grindr and tinder checking out men, but at the end of the day, i'm super sensible (and well, cautious) about meeting up with men, so i don't in the end. 3) i do however, need to get better at trying not to want or need attention from men in my life. and properly live for myself, by myself. in fact, i quite like being untouchable / unattainable. 

fourth, i can't even begin to describe how much i really really love my new apartment. IT IS SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. albeit it's a studio and stuff, but there's a gym, a concierge, a sauna /steam room, a private cinema, etc. and like dude. it's my first time living alone. like properly alone man. and it's great. i'm becoming so independent. i am okay with doing things by myself. awesome possum. i am so thankful my parents are wealthy as shit and bought it for me so i don't have to pay 450£ of rent per week (that's about 2,600 USD of rent per month yikes...). another reason why i should be happy and not feel so guilty and shitty that 'oh my parents are super wealthy everything i have in life is fake i am a fraud i got here only because of them i have no talent of my own i should feel really apologetic about my parents' wealth and should live like a struggling starving young person just like everyone else' - it's extremely fucking hard to explain this to people but there is SO much pressure to 'be' poor as a young person. bc i feel constantly dismissed that i have 'rich people problems' and it's annoying...i am grateful and appreciative and that's enough - i shouldn't ever have to feel bad about my privileges. 

so yeah, i need to be more optimistic about things :):)

Sunday, May 8, 2016

You know what?

Life moves on. Wow. It's so tough letting go and realising how little control one has over one's life, and wait side note, how annoying it is to hear one use "one" multiple times in one's sentence - I kid, I love to say weird shit like that;

It's May. Holy fucking cow. Five months since everything spiralled out of control. A lot has changed but for the most parts, it feels rather similar. I am in a better place though, which is a good thing.

It's 3:30 am and tomorrow I am moving apartments once again. Except...N is helping me move this time. It's semi-complicated - which is something I have been trying to work with a therapist to disentangle but to be honest, I'm more Amy Schumer than Dianna Agron (go YouTube their names if you don't get that reference); all this positive shit is kind of lame and foolish really - the therapist told me that I should remember I am a human being not a human doing


Basically I tried the whole woah this is a great time to develop myself as a person spiritually mentally etc-ally, and go to the gym and eat healthy and sleep well and walk up and down the stairs instead of taking the elevators and listen to happy music

Now I just chill fat on my bed jack off tons eat craptons of potato chips drink loads of coffee but I basically feel like the same dude my body isn't punishing me or whatever for all this.

Anyway. Real update another time. And just to make it clear. I am not together with N - we are definitely broken up.

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

So I kiss goodbye to every little ounce of pain 
Light a cigarette and wish the world away 
I got out, I got out, I'm alive but I'm here to stay 
So I hold two fingers up to yesterday 
Light a cigarette and smoke it all away 
I got out, I got out, I'm alive but I'm here to stay

Thursday, March 10, 2016

Life is just a constant mindfuck

I've decided no longer to play with his mind games. Even with all that that he has been telling me, he finally admitted to me that he got physical with the other boy when he went to Asia for a week about 3 weeks ago. What the fuck dude? All that bullshit about "yes there is no one else in my life I just want to be single now" and now he still says the same thing BUT admits that he has feelings for the other boy still but doesn't know where it'll lead because he just wants to focus on himself...? And then after that he calls me crying and saying he misses me and misses my mom and his mom and he's proud of how strong I've become...?


I decided finally that I'm no longer taking bullshit in my life. And the first thing to do, was to get out of my godawful shit project in the wilderness of the UK that was slated to end in 2017. I cannot imagine spending 1 more year living in a shitty hotel in a shitty small town. I was crying my eyes out so much in the hotel room every night, feeling so alone without friends, so overwhelmed by my new team + role, so I finally caved. I spoke (or broke down rather) to my project partner who was the most understanding person ever - turns out he broke down completely in front of the senior partners 3 years ago, and took 3 months off for depression because of the stress of having kids, his marriage, and his stressful job. He told me not to beat myself up about how I feel - that personal issues are part of what makes me authentic, and that I shouldn't feel bad about opening up about it at work.

He advised me to go back to London and forget about the project completely, see a GP and tell the GP how I feel, and just hang out with friends. That's what I've been doing - I've been pulled off the project, saw a GP and got 10 days of sick leave for anxiety and depression, and have taken this week to just chill out with friends.

It has been GREAT so far. It has been about 10 days since I've absolutely had zero contact with N, including not giving into the itch of stalking his Instagram page. I've just been hanging out with friends, going to the gym, and enjoying London life - I finally can enjoy the perks of living in fucking Londontown now that I have moved out and actually live in zone 1 (in fucking Kensington because I'm a badass posh bitch) and now that I'm gonna be staffed on a London project too, which means I can hang out with people during weekdays. I also am getting my confidence back - living alone means I just walk around naked all the time, and this is a weird thing to say, but I am beginning to really enjoy how I look naked. I talk to myself a lot now - I come back home and look in the mirror and say "Hey buddy you're home! Feels good to be back ahhh" weird stuff like that. I don't know - it somehow helps me. I used to always have someone to talk to when I got home - now I talk to myself. It's a coping mechanism I guess.

Because of the breakup I've lost quite a bit of weight so I'm actually leaner than ever now, and so I'm trying to maintain this low-ish body fat % (I estimate I'm about 12%) plus bulk up by hitting the gym again. I'm going to try to really get into a good routine again - I used to go to the gym 2 times a week or less; this time I need to do at least 3, optimally 4 a week. However I think I really need to eat more -

Although to be frank, I am TERRIFIED that I have always been hitting the gym wrong, and if I do this "bulking" thing of calorie-loading, I will just end up getting fat and looking at my dad, boy is it going to be difficult to lose that weight hah. But it really does seem that every article is pointing to diet being the biggest deciding factor of them all:

But it's still just so weird to force myself to eat so much. But I'm really determined that now that I am single, I might as well make 2016 the year where I transform my body.

I've also decided I'm not going to date anyone for a while now. I don't really have any interest in dating a guy now (other than yes! sadly - with the old version of N) and weirdly enough I started thinking a bit more about dating women...but no. That's just wrong and just weird haha. Because I am  99% sure that I like cock more than pussy. Although I have started to enjoy watching straight porn, but more because the guy's cock looks so much bigger when held in a lady's hand. But female pornstars just look so slutty to me...In general though I am really happy that at least I got my sex drive back - I wank like 3 times a day!

Sunday, February 28, 2016

i miss him so terribly much

what do i do? i miss him terribly, terribly much. i lay on my bed facing my right, and i imagine seeing his face there, his eyes closed, looking so peaceful, and i reaching over, pushing his hair back, kissing his forehead.

i honestly love him so much my heart does truly ache for him. i've tried so hard to be strong, to 'respect' myself and to say i won't take such bullshit from someone, but more and more now i feel more willing to forgive - if only he really does demonstrate that he is repentant and won't lie to me again. and it does seem that he is truly remorseful and really wants to make things right, but my friends are all telling me i need to be more rational and realise he will just do this again in the future. he told me over the last few months when his mind was so clouded he only focused on the bad memories of our relationship, but now he's remembering only the good times. i told him that i started only remembering the bad times, and didn't want to have anything to do with him again because the pain was unbearable. but now the pain has slightly subsided with time, and i am slowly remembering the good times again, even though i have tried to block him out from my life + photos + everything really.

alone in my studio apartment now, i remember fondly the times when he would be chopping vegetables up in the kitchen, and i would reach from behind and hug his tiny waist, rest my face against the hunched parts of his shoulder, and slowly just sway him a bit while kissing his back. i remember the nights we would hold each other's hands in bed, just talking in the dark about our plans for the next few days, and then finally sleeping by unlocking our hands but interlocking our legs. i remember how it would be cold out and i would reach for his hand to hold, and it would always be warm somehow. i would remember how gentle the sex was, how it felt like actual love-making. i would remember his silly bad handwriting, writing to me that i'm the love of his life on a card that said that my tooshie was awesome. i remember talking about how our children would be named darius, cyrus, and jasmine, but also have chinese names too.

but i also do remember the hurtful bad times. and then i am not so sure what to think anymore. i've given myself baby steps for now - i'm trying a week of no communication, and of not obsessively stalking his instagram page, or whatever. if i succeed, i might then try to do two weeks, and then maybe a month, and see how i feel by then. i've also been trying to reclaim my life as a single man, hanging with friends and going to see musicals and stuff - and yes it has been very fun, but at the back of my head i still do come back home to my tiny little studio flat and think to myself how nice it would be to be watching a movie right now with him.