Sunday, August 7, 2016

in many ways

, being single is overrated. but everything happens for a reason, and i am finding a lot of strength in myself that i never knew existed. i guess we all think we know better until shit really hits the fan. life is very optimistic in our untested environments. but once unexpected change comes, it is crippling, isn't it.

but the very good news is, human beings are awfully good at adapting to new environments. even the ones that we don't like.

is it strange, that even after so many months, when the waters in my heart ebb and flow in calm tides skirting round the jagged rocks that were my bad memories - that somehow my heart still patiently thinks of him? in many ways i am very happy with how things are going now - but almost every single activity i catch myself still thinking 'how nice would it be if i could hold n's hand and do this activity with him.'

be still, my heart. these things take time to unfold for themselves. i am neither dismissing, nor encouraging fantasies of n being back in my life - but i do have to admit to myself that he is still very much present in some aspects of my life.

we text. we meet up. we hug. we fight. we don't have sex. we yell. we make up. we smile.

we are neither friends nor are we lovers nor are we strangers. two bodies together but not together. how very odd indeed.

in other words, i write so much less nowadays. that is sad. i always loved writing.

Friday, June 17, 2016

life is still pretty much fucking awesome

a little weird that after my title, i'm writing about GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) but i finally sort of understand, like, my brain really. i've always had this worry that i'm 'abnormal' - that i'm this hyper self-aware self-critical guy with a constant sense of worry, that i have to be this fucking perfect person, because everyone around me is scrutinising me and judging me, which then leads me to form some sort of emotional detachment with my own feelings, flooding my brain with thoughts to rationalize away my pity and fear (yes - DCFC reference there),

and now i realise that i am not crazy - i merely am medically borderline crazy. lol. just kidding. but really - i've anxiety issues. wow. i read this: http://www.theladbible.com/articles/why-men-who-suffer-from-anxiety-need-to-be-taken-more-seriously-150616

and dude. it's spot on. what's worse is that i grew up GAY in a sociocultural environment that practically denies the existence of feelings (i mean - there is def. a stereotype that asian people are robots) and so no wonder my brain is a little fucked up!

but after seeing my therapist and stuff, she assured me that i'm fine. in fact, she said i'm really bright. which...well, i already knew that haha. but honestly, i wish i was more simple-minded. i read people's blogs, and i just look at people's eyes and the way they act and react and they're simpler. stupider, and simpler. life is easier that way.

but anyhow, i am, in a general sense, happy. man. i had a great day at work. this whole being a management consultant thing - i'm digging it. i am basically being paid to learn. learn like, soft skills really. organisation skills. ways to structure a situation and ways to solve a problem. it's great. it's like - actually such useful skills to have in life. i'm basically setting myself up to do great things in the future. and i'm happy for that.

second, my body. wow. i've become pretty lean. after my break-up and shit, i put my mind into being all like, fuck it, i'm going to make myself sexy, and he's gonna regret it, and after a while, i'll claim my new body for my own rather than for some vengeful blahblah.

it's not perfect yet, but i'm really proud of where it's at now:


and yes. i skip leg days. it's too tiring to train legs. though i want a nice butt. but anyhow i like myself lean and tiny. i do take way way more slutty shirtless selfies now too hahaha but it's fine. it's actually incredibly empowering to see changes in my body and be proud of it. 

third, i actually do get a lot of attention from guys. granted, none that i find attractive, but it's still nice. for example, this random guy messaged me on instagram after going on a like-rampage:


(also that comment about sociopath is because i told him i went on a 'date' and the guy called me a sociopath with little empathy for other human beings - which i assumed meant that he didn't want to see me again but he weirdly texted me after the meet-up that if i ever wanted to donate my salty cum to him, just let him know... lolwtf)

anyway what i've realised is - 1) unattractive guys do not have no taste as what i have always assumed - they still have standards, but just are less bitchy and more honest about their opinions. so i shouldn't just dismiss their compliments as empty words really 2) i still have not fooled around with anyone after breaking up with N other than that one time back home in february, but i'm okay about it. i'm always horny as fuck, and always on grindr and tinder checking out men, but at the end of the day, i'm super sensible (and well, cautious) about meeting up with men, so i don't in the end. 3) i do however, need to get better at trying not to want or need attention from men in my life. and properly live for myself, by myself. in fact, i quite like being untouchable / unattainable. 

fourth, i can't even begin to describe how much i really really love my new apartment. IT IS SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. albeit it's a studio and stuff, but there's a gym, a concierge, a sauna /steam room, a private cinema, etc. and like dude. it's my first time living alone. like properly alone man. and it's great. i'm becoming so independent. i am okay with doing things by myself. awesome possum. i am so thankful my parents are wealthy as shit and bought it for me so i don't have to pay 450£ of rent per week (that's about 2,600 USD of rent per month yikes...). another reason why i should be happy and not feel so guilty and shitty that 'oh my parents are super wealthy everything i have in life is fake i am a fraud i got here only because of them i have no talent of my own i should feel really apologetic about my parents' wealth and should live like a struggling starving young person just like everyone else' - it's extremely fucking hard to explain this to people but there is SO much pressure to 'be' poor as a young person. bc i feel constantly dismissed that i have 'rich people problems' and it's annoying...i am grateful and appreciative and that's enough - i shouldn't ever have to feel bad about my privileges. 

so yeah, i need to be more optimistic about things :):)

Sunday, May 8, 2016

You know what?

Life moves on. Wow. It's so tough letting go and realising how little control one has over one's life, and wait side note, how annoying it is to hear one use "one" multiple times in one's sentence - I kid, I love to say weird shit like that;

It's May. Holy fucking cow. Five months since everything spiralled out of control. A lot has changed but for the most parts, it feels rather similar. I am in a better place though, which is a good thing.

It's 3:30 am and tomorrow I am moving apartments once again. Except...N is helping me move this time. It's semi-complicated - which is something I have been trying to work with a therapist to disentangle but to be honest, I'm more Amy Schumer than Dianna Agron (go YouTube their names if you don't get that reference); all this positive shit is kind of lame and foolish really - the therapist told me that I should remember I am a human being not a human doing

LIKE OH COME ON

Basically I tried the whole woah this is a great time to develop myself as a person spiritually mentally etc-ally, and go to the gym and eat healthy and sleep well and walk up and down the stairs instead of taking the elevators and listen to happy music

Now I just chill fat on my bed jack off tons eat craptons of potato chips drink loads of coffee but I basically feel like the same dude my body isn't punishing me or whatever for all this.

Anyway. Real update another time. And just to make it clear. I am not together with N - we are definitely broken up.

Wednesday, March 16, 2016


So I kiss goodbye to every little ounce of pain 
Light a cigarette and wish the world away 
I got out, I got out, I'm alive but I'm here to stay 
So I hold two fingers up to yesterday 
Light a cigarette and smoke it all away 
I got out, I got out, I'm alive but I'm here to stay

Thursday, March 10, 2016

Life is just a constant mindfuck

I've decided no longer to play with his mind games. Even with all that that he has been telling me, he finally admitted to me that he got physical with the other boy when he went to Asia for a week about 3 weeks ago. What the fuck dude? All that bullshit about "yes there is no one else in my life I just want to be single now" and now he still says the same thing BUT admits that he has feelings for the other boy still but doesn't know where it'll lead because he just wants to focus on himself...? And then after that he calls me crying and saying he misses me and misses my mom and his mom and he's proud of how strong I've become...?

Bullfuckingshit.

I decided finally that I'm no longer taking bullshit in my life. And the first thing to do, was to get out of my godawful shit project in the wilderness of the UK that was slated to end in 2017. I cannot imagine spending 1 more year living in a shitty hotel in a shitty small town. I was crying my eyes out so much in the hotel room every night, feeling so alone without friends, so overwhelmed by my new team + role, so I finally caved. I spoke (or broke down rather) to my project partner who was the most understanding person ever - turns out he broke down completely in front of the senior partners 3 years ago, and took 3 months off for depression because of the stress of having kids, his marriage, and his stressful job. He told me not to beat myself up about how I feel - that personal issues are part of what makes me authentic, and that I shouldn't feel bad about opening up about it at work.

He advised me to go back to London and forget about the project completely, see a GP and tell the GP how I feel, and just hang out with friends. That's what I've been doing - I've been pulled off the project, saw a GP and got 10 days of sick leave for anxiety and depression, and have taken this week to just chill out with friends.

It has been GREAT so far. It has been about 10 days since I've absolutely had zero contact with N, including not giving into the itch of stalking his Instagram page. I've just been hanging out with friends, going to the gym, and enjoying London life - I finally can enjoy the perks of living in fucking Londontown now that I have moved out and actually live in zone 1 (in fucking Kensington because I'm a badass posh bitch) and now that I'm gonna be staffed on a London project too, which means I can hang out with people during weekdays. I also am getting my confidence back - living alone means I just walk around naked all the time, and this is a weird thing to say, but I am beginning to really enjoy how I look naked. I talk to myself a lot now - I come back home and look in the mirror and say "Hey buddy you're home! Feels good to be back ahhh" weird stuff like that. I don't know - it somehow helps me. I used to always have someone to talk to when I got home - now I talk to myself. It's a coping mechanism I guess.

Because of the breakup I've lost quite a bit of weight so I'm actually leaner than ever now, and so I'm trying to maintain this low-ish body fat % (I estimate I'm about 12%) plus bulk up by hitting the gym again. I'm going to try to really get into a good routine again - I used to go to the gym 2 times a week or less; this time I need to do at least 3, optimally 4 a week. However I think I really need to eat more - http://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/2013/07/17/a-skinny-guys-guide-to-building-muscle-and-bulking-up/

Although to be frank, I am TERRIFIED that I have always been hitting the gym wrong, and if I do this "bulking" thing of calorie-loading, I will just end up getting fat and looking at my dad, boy is it going to be difficult to lose that weight hah. But it really does seem that every article is pointing to diet being the biggest deciding factor of them all: http://www.mensfitness.com/styleandgrooming/grooming/workout-every-guy-skinny-guy

But it's still just so weird to force myself to eat so much. But I'm really determined that now that I am single, I might as well make 2016 the year where I transform my body.

I've also decided I'm not going to date anyone for a while now. I don't really have any interest in dating a guy now (other than yes! sadly - with the old version of N) and weirdly enough I started thinking a bit more about dating women...but no. That's just wrong and just weird haha. Because I am  99% sure that I like cock more than pussy. Although I have started to enjoy watching straight porn, but more because the guy's cock looks so much bigger when held in a lady's hand. But female pornstars just look so slutty to me...In general though I am really happy that at least I got my sex drive back - I wank like 3 times a day!

Sunday, February 28, 2016

i miss him so terribly much

what do i do? i miss him terribly, terribly much. i lay on my bed facing my right, and i imagine seeing his face there, his eyes closed, looking so peaceful, and i reaching over, pushing his hair back, kissing his forehead.

i honestly love him so much my heart does truly ache for him. i've tried so hard to be strong, to 'respect' myself and to say i won't take such bullshit from someone, but more and more now i feel more willing to forgive - if only he really does demonstrate that he is repentant and won't lie to me again. and it does seem that he is truly remorseful and really wants to make things right, but my friends are all telling me i need to be more rational and realise he will just do this again in the future. he told me over the last few months when his mind was so clouded he only focused on the bad memories of our relationship, but now he's remembering only the good times. i told him that i started only remembering the bad times, and didn't want to have anything to do with him again because the pain was unbearable. but now the pain has slightly subsided with time, and i am slowly remembering the good times again, even though i have tried to block him out from my life + photos + everything really.

alone in my studio apartment now, i remember fondly the times when he would be chopping vegetables up in the kitchen, and i would reach from behind and hug his tiny waist, rest my face against the hunched parts of his shoulder, and slowly just sway him a bit while kissing his back. i remember the nights we would hold each other's hands in bed, just talking in the dark about our plans for the next few days, and then finally sleeping by unlocking our hands but interlocking our legs. i remember how it would be cold out and i would reach for his hand to hold, and it would always be warm somehow. i would remember how gentle the sex was, how it felt like actual love-making. i would remember his silly bad handwriting, writing to me that i'm the love of his life on a card that said that my tooshie was awesome. i remember talking about how our children would be named darius, cyrus, and jasmine, but also have chinese names too.

but i also do remember the hurtful bad times. and then i am not so sure what to think anymore. i've given myself baby steps for now - i'm trying a week of no communication, and of not obsessively stalking his instagram page, or whatever. if i succeed, i might then try to do two weeks, and then maybe a month, and see how i feel by then. i've also been trying to reclaim my life as a single man, hanging with friends and going to see musicals and stuff - and yes it has been very fun, but at the back of my head i still do come back home to my tiny little studio flat and think to myself how nice it would be to be watching a movie right now with him.

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

I gotta stay high all the time to keep you off my mind

So I completely agree with your comment Anonymous. I'm not sure at all why I myself place such a high importance on physical traits of my partner. I don't have a prefixed set of criteria, but they always would have to be very physically striking to get me interested. And like all things online, I do feel I've presented a slightly unbalanced view of the guys in my life - for example the mixed guy also did strike me as someone very loyal to friends, very hands-on and "build and create" kinda guy, very sharp and filial (I spent 15 minutes standing around while he helped his mom hang the laundry to dry) and did apologise to me when I called him out for dissing me and he said he was only teasing me and said he will not be mean anymore (Honestly though while I don't have a great body I am in many ways confident with how I look). I did tell my friends he is a bit of a douchebag, but I'm actually in some ways attracted to that sort of cockiness...As long as it isn't actually poisonous? I don't know really.

Anyway. I need to somehow. Stop obsessively stalking N and the other fucker's Instagram. The other fucker uploaded a pic of him and N together and that was the last fucking straw. N still keeps trying to contact me (he face timed me with a different phone number wtf!) and I've just turned a complete cold shoulder to him.

I'm really trying not to take this so personally but it's hard. I compare myself with the other fucker. And honestly. I win in every arena. Even in the arena of being a douchebag - I'm less of a douche than this guy is: he loves to flaunt his fucking family wealth all the time by taking pictures of himself sitting business or first class. I don't do shit like that.

My sister was saying I need to date a man now and no more boys. That's true - but I'm also a lot more attracted to youth. Like I've previously wondered if I'm a pedophile because some times I genuinely only like the 18-22 crowd (I know that's not a definition of being a pedo). I wonder if there are things I need to fix within my own head to find my way of happiness really.

Also, I am making very adamant plans to curb my drinking habit. I have succumbed finally that I have a drinking problem, and it is most likely genetic of some sorts and I go too out of hand when left unmonitored. Alcohol affects people differently, and it just affects me really fucking badly. Hence I am limiting myself to one drink per night out and please please K, follow this form now on okay.

There are constantly so many thoughts in my head and I can't sleep well at night. Sigh. Plus I forgot to bring my earplugs this time to client site. Gah. I need earplugs to sleep haha. I'm a super light sleeper.

Guys on Grindr wanna meet up when I'm here at client site (130 km from London) including one semi cute guy who texted me first but w t f...he's 21...he's 6 years younger...and also seems only interested in hooking up rather than talking and shit. To be honest I should delete Grindr and just use Tinder - I don't actually want to hook up with random men; I rather jerk off by myself.

Also I'm really excited because I'm trying to have more of a social life now that I'm living in central London plus single life. Friday night I'm watching an Alice in wonderland inspired play with a friend, Saturday night is another ex classmates birthday so I'd get to see all my buddies from grad school, and Sunday I may plan to meet up with G, the... Guy I cheated on N with who ended up having a threesome with us hah. I don't have any feelings for G for sure, but now that he's single and I'm single, I might make a move if he's interested because ugh he is so hot haha. Next weekend I'm going to a small intimate gig that Coldplay is playing at and I literally. Love Coldplay so much. I will never forget how I saw them with 65000 other people at Lollapalooza and I cried so much with happiness and the feeling of being alive.

Monday, February 15, 2016

Life back in London

I've been really confused by everything that has been happening again. Basically, I'm really trying to be resilient here - and view this whole thing not as a traumatic event, but as a...short-term challenge where I will definitely be able to come out of it fighting fit again, and possibly even stronger than before. He has sent me two emails so far, none of which I've replied to, the last one being an extremely annoying "Happy Valentine's Day":

"I hope you had a good break and landed back in London safely.

Wanted to wish you a happy Valentine's Day even though everything today is a rip off we did have good memories on this day.

Not sure you got my reply to the last email or not.

Anyway hopefully talk soon :)

Lots of love, 

N"

I lapse into stalking his Instagram, and it's annoying how he's posting pictures of how much fun he is having in Iceland now, obviously with the other boy in tow. He also posted a picture of a heart of roses display in my favorite hotel in London as a Valentine's thing on his Instagram - and when I went with him previously there was definitely not such a display, which means he must have went recently without me, and presumably with the other boy. It is frustrating that I am either reading too much into this, or that he is excruciatingly disrespectful. But I do need to try and let this go and not feel the compulsion to stalk him. Such textbook post-break-up weaknesses, I know.

I think essentially, I am not at all ready to have a healthy and constructive conversation with him as long as the other boy is intimately involved in the picture. N seems eager to talk to me - I am putting him at arm's length for now. I would like to say a three-month complete no-contact time-out, but realistically, that would be too difficult for me. I may just leave it open-ended and tell him "whenever I feel ready to engage with you again."

Other stuff - I've lost weight and I'm even leaner now which is nice because I've wanted to trim off a bit of my excess fat, however I've definitely lost muscle too. I'm actually quite a feeble looking dude...I'm 5'8" and only 130 lbs...Friends have been telling me that I need to convert my time and energy spent on unhealthy things like stalking N, to a positive hobby - and the only thing I can think of is to work on being the hottest version of myself. N is actually becoming less and less attractive now - I'm not sure if it's just me being biased, but honestly he's looking like shit now lol. 

I've also moved into my new flat - it was wtf insane to move flats by myself. I left all my belongings at a friend's place - this guy and his boyfriend, N actually met them first through...yes of course, Instagram too. What the fuck - it almost seems like Instagram has become the new thinly veiled Grindr dossier - where attention-seeking insecure whores can come together and masturbate each other's egos. Anyway, it was so weird hanging out with them because I realized how incredibly immature, validation-seeking, and horrendously spoilt the both of them are. They are from very, very wealthy backgrounds - they frequently fly first class on Etihad Airlines, wear Patek Philippe and Audemars Piguet watches (at least 25k USD and above), but they're only 23...The condescending tone that they spoke about everyone else in the world (calling them monkeys, animals, or whatnot) was appalling, and I immediately texed my mom saying she should be thankful that her kids turned out very much more connected to reality, relatively of course.

Anyway, I moved all my shit over to my new flat by myself since neither wanted to help me cos obviously it was Valentine's Day. I had to climb up four (or eight halves) flights of stairs with all my crap, so it was a really exhausting 20-trip up-and-down haul, and I was doing it all shirtless because I was sweating so much haha. My new flat is incredibly tiny for a studio, but it works fine. I like it small. Although I am paying well over 1,900 USD/month for the rent here...plus because I am situated outside of London Mondays to Thursdays, it isn't exactly cheap, but I can finally say that I live in a pretty posh part of London - Chelsea hahaha.

It was also very strange with the other mixed-race boy in my life. I actually met up with him 3 times over 5 days, and it was weird because each time I would feel that he's quite self-absorbed and uninterested in me, and in fact insulted me a few times like saying that my body is skinny-fat and not toned at all (wtf...his body isn't that amazing either) but then he would ask me to hang out, and fuck he would be so horny. The third time we met was a couple hours before I flew back to London. We were meant to go to the gym together, but in the end I went over to his place and he immediately went all hardcore on me, pushing me on the bed, stripping me, choking me, dry-humping me (I told him there is no way we are gonna have sex because his dick is honestly the biggest dick I've ever seen in my life - like it was almost not aesthetically pleasing because it was just so, so huge - and I am a very sensitive bottom really) and slapping my butt, and locking my arms behind my back - it was feral. 

But the strange thing was, I got soft quite a few times. Mostly because I was actually kind of afraid. I've also not really been in a stranger's house diving straight into sex for a while now - the last time I did that was in 2013! I've never really enjoyed aggressive sex - why do people seem to like it that way? It also seems that people think that just because I look really innocent, yet I'm perpetually horny with slightly kinky thoughts, that somehow makes me a dirty whore that wants to be rough-housed. With N everything was always so gentle, and sex really did feel like a mutual getting-to-know-each-other kind of thing. Granted I think this mixed-raced guy is cute, but he terrifies me...nevertheless, we do get along, and he's coming up to London anyway in July so we'll see each other again. He is also miles cuter than N's fling - my sister validated me on this haha. 

Finally, work is EXTREMELY strange now. I've been put on a new team about a few weeks ago, but didn't do anything yet since I was off on vacay for the last 2 weeks, and now apparently my manager is telling me that the other analyst on the project is rolling off by end March, and I have 6 weeks to learn everything possible from him...w t f? This involves hard-core scripting and programming skills like Python and CITRIX, and how the fuck am I gonna learn that from basically scratch, along with the other non-technical parts of his role? That dude took 1.5 years to grow into his position - this is entirely unfair and I'm gonna have to raise red flags about this. Essentially I'm just gonna put my goddamn foot down - I'm gonna be trying my best, but as I am def. not an expert in this field at all, the project stakeholders will have to take on the risk and accept that I may fail at critical parts of the project, and this is something they will naturally have to deal with. It's stupid, crazy, and short-sighted really. But whatever - from my viewpoint as a plankton in this food chain, I don't give a fuck if I do badly or not - honestly not passionate about this project and am just biding my time till it's over. 

Anyway, so life is still pretty much a bit strange for now. Hoping the rest of the year will be better. It was so great to be back home chilling with the family, eating great Asian food, tanning with the tropical sun, and just taking a time-out really. Also looked at my zodiac for the Monkey Year...things aren't looking great for me, but I did superstitiously tagged along with my mom to a Chinese Buddhist temple to pray for good luck lol.