Thursday, July 13, 2017

Anxiety all the time...

To the anon commenter in the previous post: thanks for pointing Queer Britain out for me. I watched the series and it was really illuminating. Yes, there is so much intra-LGBT discrimination.

So this post is going to largely be the same as my previous post in terms of still feeling like shit. I feel anxious all the time. I hate uncertainty in my life. Having things in limbo is so tough to deal with. Many times though - I have built it up in my head and things aren't as bad as they seem.

  1. I'm applying for my visa extension here in Britain, but my HR department is woefully incompetent and taking forever. While this really shouldn't form a point of stress for me, given the whole Brexit thing + the fact T.May legit hates all sorts of immigrants, I think I'll only feel at ease when I actually get my extension approved...
  2. I'm moving departments at work, and so far it has been such a political thing where I have to kiss-ass with everyone and make strong but not mean reasons for why I want to transfer. It's taken a really long time, and I hate chasing up the managing partners on these things, but I want this to happen, and I will feel much better once this actually is approved...
  3. My friend's wedding is in early August back home, and I fretted way too long if I should take time off and I finally did, but now tickets are doubly expensive and I feel really crap for paying so much money. I hope the cheaper flights that I am waitlisted on will become available...
  4. N and I are horribly on the rocks, and most probably it's not going to work out again. Fuck this shit. He has his own issues to deal with and has once again dragged me down with all his self-doubt... and I really dislike the fact that he knows we work really well together and so he just wants to pause things while his job is sending him overseas for 3 months before coming back to the UK to pick things up with me again...fuck man. 
  5. I can't imagine doing the whole dating thing again. It's too horrible - so hard to sift out the good guys, and then even so, there's too much effort to play the numbers game. I really have to learn to be better at being single...but I'm nearing 30 dude...I want stability :(
  6. I keep looking at myself in the mirror and wondering why I'm growing so slowly when I've been hitting the gym pretty hard. It's slightly depressing...


Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Bad thoughts in my head again

Hi blogworld. I recognise that I’m feeling a bit lost right now from pathological overthinking, so I’m going to pen down my thoughts here:

  1. It is uneasy for me to realise how obsessed I’ve become over the two characters that I mentioned in my earlier post. I think I was actually lovesick or infatuated in some sense – which is pretty crazy given these are fictional people. It hit me how I still have this extremely unhealthy habit of comparing my life with others and feeling despondent when I summarise for myself that I fall short of the fantasy in front of me. I look at these perfectly imperfect fictional characters and wonder why can’t I be as beautifully ‘damaged’ as them, which is pretty twisted. I seem to enjoy drama way too much, and given that my life now is relatively drama-free because of a calming sense of contentment + positive progress in most facets of my life, I now seem to have unhealthily re-surfaced insecurities e.g. why am I not as tall as these characters, why do I not have such an explosive sex life anymore, why do I not have a chiselled jaw and athleticism as these TV characters. This was the reason why I decided to deactivate my Instagram account as it is difficult for me to not feel as ‘perfect’ as these curated social media personas – even though I am 100% aware that nothing is ever as it seems, but that seems to depress me even more that if everyone is fucked up, wouldn’t it be better to be beautiful and fucked up? My thoughts ramble on and I do not know how to reconcile the inhuman amount of shallowness within me. My only hope is that such inane thoughts will pass with time. Each time I think that I have matured and grown self-assured, I find myself slipping back and wondering if I will ever make progress on this front.

  2. Continuing along the lines of everyone being fucked up, I have found myself deeply disturbed, yes by yet another fictional TV show – Big Little Lies. Seemingly perfect on the outside but insidiously toxic in the inside, it has made me feel a bit disconnected from human beings, if people are this sociopathic. Domestic violence, cheating, lies – they all make me profoundly sad and disheartened about life. As always, I administer pep talks to myself – ‘focus on the bright side of things; be appreciative that such deceit feels relatively distant and be happy that things are going well for myself.’ But then I second-guess myself – I’ve experienced such deceit before, my world has come crashing down both in terms of my own romantic & familial relationships, and how am I to know that history would not repeat? When things go well for me, I find that after a certain period of time when the euphoria fades, I begin thinking ‘okay, so when is everything going to explode in my face?’

  3. I really struggle with pessimism in periods of change. I believe I know what has triggered all these resurfaced forms of insecurities – N is going to start on his 3-year graduate programme soon and I feel like I am locked in to London for him for the next 3 years. However, I know this is simply not the case – yes, the first time I came to London I stupidly did it all because of him, but this time, I have reclaimed London for my own. However, many colleagues are quitting and moving on to brighter pastures, and once again I am fucking comparing myself life with others around me. Good god what is wrong with me, why can’t I just be so much more self-assured? I come up with all these completely stupid milestones in my head where I think to myself that if I stay in the same job for the next 3 years (meaning a total of 5), something must be wrong with me because why am I not pushing myself to advance faster career-wise by jumping ships and joining ‘better’ companies? I find that I have ‘settled’ into a good routine at work – I like what I do, I like my bosses and my team, and precisely because I feel comfortable…it makes me uncomfortable, since I’ve stupidly felt that I cannot be one of those people who stagnate in life because they’re ‘comfortable’ and therefore ‘settle.’ Fuck.

  4. I went to a gay party with friends recently. It was called Hard Cock Life and I absolutely hated it. In fact, I became slightly belligerent again, which is something I thought I ‘fixed.’ I guess – I need to stop thinking that things within me can be permanently ‘fixed’. I got slightly drunk and started shouting around on the streets that I hated all the gays in the party. I know why I do that. I keep trying to find my place in the gay world, but I just don’t feel like I fit in. I try to reject it, but my gay friends keep trying to bring me back into that world. When I don’t have a good time, I feel judged for not being able to be ‘chill.’ I think I cling on to fantasies like TV characters a lot because I constantly feel let down by the realities of gay culture. It’s so isolating. I remember standing in the club, everything was dark, there were men with mesh shirts and bulging muscles, men with high heels and fake lashes, everyone with faces so aloof, a completely pretentious hip-hop soundtrack, and a bubbling revulsion in me thinking ‘these are people I am supposed to relate to?’ I don’t have the answer to why my gay friends are able to enjoy all these things and I can’t. I tell myself everybody is different and I just want to live my life without mainstream gay culture, but there always just seems to be a hole that cannot be filled. It is not a sense of not being sure about my sexuality – I am comfortable telling people that I am gay and that I love appreciating the beauty of men; but I get deeply uncomfortable in these situations. Damn.

I need to tell myself to stop having these vicious cycles of pessimism.

Friday, May 19, 2017

#zude

Fuck.


I am TOTALLY obsessed with a couple from a TV show that I randomly stumbled upon and since then have obsessively consumed every part of their onscreen / off-screen lives. Unfortunately they are straight in real life and have girlfriends, but that's fine :)

The above two are Jude and Zero, aka Zude, from a TV series called Hit The Floor. They didn't start out as main characters because the series is mostly about cheerleader girls for a LA basketball team, but man. Are these two fucking hot and cute or what??

Jude, the brunette, is totally my kinda guy. Or rather, I want to be like him. He's always suited and booted, yet has a good body underneath, and so clean-shaven and broody and dark and handsome and ugh. In the series, he plays Zero's basketball agent.

Zero is the blond guy above who has piercing eyes, awesome hair, and a fucking hot bod. He's the bisexual basketball womaniser in the series who flirts with a hell lot of women, and acts like a total arrogant dick in front of everyone, but finally softens his heart around Jude.

Dude I can't even explain how much I am obsessed by them. I think growing up I always wanted a relationship like that. Heck - my first boyfriend was bisexual, he was a typical kind of arrogant athletic jock with a great bod who also played loads of basketball.

There's just something so appealing about bad boys who turn good just for you. In reality it's messed up as fuck, but yeah...I'm gonna binge watch this series.

Sunday, May 7, 2017

I am really hungover as I type this

Turns out, I don't think I can ever really stop drinking. I didn't want to go out clubbing last night, but caved from peer pressure and ended up having a really fun time, though I blacked out, called N 8-9 times, got an Uber, and woke up at home being like 'wtf happened?'

Hahaha classic. Thank god that my friend was sober enough to take care of me. And thank god also that now when I get drunk I don't go tooo crazy picking fights with people or insulting everyone that I see. I've become more chill now, if by chill meaning still getting hammered but at least not aggressive :P

Life is really, really great. The office that I'm in now has free beer / prosecco after 4 pm EVERY day. That was how I started my Friday night - I sent off some really pretty PowerPoint slides that I did (I'm a consultant after all this is my bread and butter), drank 4 glasses of prosecco at the office, headed off for dinner pretty buzzed, food was really good, then went over to my friend's place and had soju bombs (we did this in a funny Korean way of balancing the soju shot on chopsticks and then banging our heads on the table shouting a Korean phrase that means "I will do better!!!" LOL), then went to an Asian club and had sake bombs. My life is so Asian even in London I love it :)

Things with N have become so so good. I don't really know how we got here, but I'm very happy. It's like a dream but not the naive sort of dream I had before - we cook and eat at home, cuddle a lot, and watch movies together a lot. We treat each other with mutual respect, and lots of friendly teasing too. But we don't do every single thing together - and that's great. My drunken Friday night was spent with my friends without him, and I had so much fun.

I think I'm finally getting the hang of what it means to be in a relationship. We've dialled things back a little, which helps. Our first holiday together in a very, very long time would be end May. I am looking forward to it.

Monday, May 1, 2017

Some times life feels really good

that I have to pinch myself and wonder if it was my previously woefully naive 'life is good' version of things, or a grown-up, contented 'life is really nice' version of things.

I watched Lion tonight, and it was riveting.

Monday, April 3, 2017

I'm alive and very well

Wow. It's been a while. For some reason today I decided to check this, and I smiled reading an anonymous comment asking for an update. Here's it:

Life has been really good. I don't want to jinx it - but 2017 has been solid so far. I feel like I'm really getting into a good groove now. The below is gonna sound quite clinical since it's almost like I'm doing a self-diagnosis, but anyway - if you have been an old-time reader, you know my habits. 

Work
has been fantastic. I started out last year wondering if I should quit within six months (yet again), and now some days I find myself so eager to start the work day. The projects I've been working on have been intellectually challenging in industries that I thoroughly enjoy learning more about, with teams and managers that are bright, competent, and relatable. Basically, most of my team are Asian, and we get each other _so much_. Lol. In terms of like, being results-driven, being all about efficiency, finding the smartest and easiest way to achieve something, while cutting out all of the nonsense small-talk jabbering bullshit that people in the corporate West like to do. I'm so happy I found this little niche group where I can speak Mandarin with and virtually nobody else in the firm would understand us (my company is overwhelmingly British, so much for marketing ourselves as a diverse global powerhouse, heh). I also don't see many of my other peers in the office anymore which is great because honestly, I don't fancy most of them as they have terrible, terrible taste (for example, a highlight for them was going to Tiger Tiger to party - are you fucking kidding me? Tiger Tiger is literally a sewer.)

I'm also being recognised for my capability and my results and it makes me really happy. My teammates have also remarked to me that they really like having me around, because I light up the room aww. All of this + very reasonable working hours (plus I work from home 2-3 times a week) + no silly travelling that most consultants get involved with (I've been firmly rooted in London) = a very happy working man. 

Social life
has been unexpectedly packed - it's heartwarming. I really did not expect to see London as home, but now it is really slowly seeming that way. I've made terrific friends here. There are many little circles that I can call up on (I only like small groups rather than large social gatherings - they annoy me due to the fake trivial bullshit small-talk) and we always have a whale of a time. It took me a while to build these all up, and to also re-believe in myself, but I am thankful that I do have a pretty charming magnetic quality about me, and I shouldn't have doubted in the past that I would struggle to make friends here. Once again however, these friends are basically...all Asian. Lolol. But I really can relate to them the easiest: we love terrific food to the point we would hunt like vultures for the special food events (pop-ups, or guest chefs) [I've also now racked up 72 unique Michelin stars in the UK; i.e. counting 2 stars in total for visiting a 2-star restaurant more than once], everyone's ambitious as hell (all lawyers, bankers, consultants), everyone's got such a great blend of Eastern and Western values, and everyone loves karaoke :) ahahaha. Also, we all identify with the whole minority-ethnicity thing, along with the yellow fever thing, yadda-yadda. 

Also, per the Proximity Principle, I've made quite a few friends in my apartment building - mostly when I'm at the gym, or in the sauna / steam room. It's great because social isolation tends to happen for people who work from home; I don't get that because there is a semi-community vibe around here. 

One thing I did about my social life though - I straight-up cut out friends who I felt had a negative impact on my life. Friends who are too self-absorbed and drag me into their pathetic whining-to-fish-compliments situations, friends who are too morally different from me (e.g. going to sex parties all the time, or taking too much drugs) and who I then regularly end up arguing with because I am opinionated and find them morally repugnant, friends who are so fake and I bring nothing to their table yet they keep asking me to hang out for idk-why reasons - all got cut out. I was pretty vicious. I just stopped replying to most of them. But it has helped so much - it's all such unnecessary drama. 

Having the confidence to do things alone -

I do a lot of things alone now. As obvious as it may sound, it took a while for me to realise that alone does not mean lonely. I go to parks alone, art galleries alone, spend Sundays alone, watch movies at home alone, and I really enjoy it actually. It is my agenda, and I don't have to think about pleasing others. It's a great treat to do things alone. From this I know that I truly am becoming an old man haha, but that's okay too.

Physique -

is slowly but surely getting better. Some days I look in the mirror and really go 'wow, you've done well.' Here is a very poorly cropped progress picture:


Now I'm still nowhere near my avatar picture (that man is so hot btw oh my days) but I have definitely bulked up and I fill my shirts out more nicely now. This has really given me self-confidence to, ironically enough, focus less on nitpicking my physical appearance. And I think slowly, this is what I feel is key really to my own self-contentment (this obviously does not work for everyone). It's not about being a fat person and saying 'I love my body. My body is mine and nobody else has a right to tell me how I should look.' No. I don't want to be one of those who constantly verbalises 'self-love' and accepting one's self for how one is, but then having this knee-jerk social-justice-warrior stance of going apeshit the minute someone critiques one's appearance. This sort of verbalised 'love yourself for who you are' bullshit will not resolve the crux of the actual insecurity. Okay - let me back-track a bit. It is entirely useless by its own, but when combined with an actual dedication to CHANGE one's ways positively (in any context, not just physique-wise), self-love can then be sustainably achieved.

Dating life -

I stopped it. I deleted all the apps in the end. I was trying my best to keep my options open and see what else was out there - but honestly, very little is out there. I remember I was back home in Asia for a month last December, and I had 900 Tinder matches. Loads of guys were just crawling to see me naked, or sleep with me, or date me, and it strangely was the digital panacea that I needed to realise that I didn't need any of this attention at all. Okay - it probably was because I satisfied that barbaric need to feel sexually desired and therefore didn't need it after. It's a bit like gambling / investing maybe. Once you rack up the winnings, you quit on a high note - because it all goes downhill after that. For example, I could have become addicted to the validation from these men, and caved to having rampant sex (like every other generic fuck-boy out there) with no standards just to feel 'wanted.' No - I am not generic, and I certainly will not commoditise myself like the other plebs out there.

N -

N and I - hah! Okay, it is 2 am now on a Sunday and I should go to bed (I wrote a lot more than I thought I would - guess I always am swimming with thoughts) but needless to say we have a very complicated relationship. Complicated mostly by unhealthy circumstances, that are slowly un-complicating themselves. We were two people who loved each other, and though we were right for each other, it was the wrong time for each other. Separately now, over the last year, I have grown and found myself in a far stabler footing - and so has he. In fact, he has done very very well for himself and I am very happy for him. We aren't back together, but it does seem now, more than before, that the stars may re-align again. If we were to get back together, I think things will be very different this time, both of us being far, far more mature and on the same path in life (essentially, we both are working, very good jobs really, and surprisingly quite similar). Well, only time will tell.

------

So yeah, life is really good. I'm optimistic and positive, which isn't normal for me hah! and that feels really nice :) Here's a video (with a song that I love) to end:


Tuesday, December 20, 2016

now i know nobody reads this anymore, but

it's good to just have an outlet still to just pen my thoughts down.

this year has been a tough one again. i think as i grow up, i realize more and more that it is hard to grow up - i don't think i'm alone that when we were kids we were constantly told that we could do anything in the world, that we have very bright futures, that things will come more easily for us than for others. but what i've learned is that academic competence, or at least competence in these bubbles during adolescence, rarely translates easily to competence in the real-world. not just in the sense of street-smartness vs. book-smartness. just an overall sense of, fuck dude, life is pretty tough.

but i'm still very fortunate that yes, good things do come more easily for me than for many others in the world, and i am appreciative of that. but these all entail many bumps in the road still. and i don't think the ride will ever not be a bumpy one. it's more about understanding when to slow the car down either before you reach the bump, or once you know that you're on a bump. it's all about realistic expectations, but, equally importantly, to know when we should just take a different road instead.

each year i learn more things about myself, and each year i unlearn more things about myself. fortunately, in the grand scheme of things, i do still try to be a better person each year, as cynical as i am. each year i cry a lot, but each year i also smile and laugh a lot.

my perspectives on corporate life have also changed a lot. i used to think that i would never ever be the type that feels passionately about a job, because i judged those that seemed to feel passionately about their jobs as corporate zombies. but then i realized there was a difference between the type of people who defined themselves by their career and was truly chained to them, and those that genuinely enjoyed what they were doing and were more than willing to put in the extra effort to do well in the workplace. then i got sucked in to the marketing glamor of thinking that my potential is 'limitless' and that i will 'change the world' and then got really fucking sad and cynical when the humdrum hit. but at the end of the year, i realized i've still learned so, so much, and i actually love what i do (not all of the time of course), and that i've taken a lot of things for granted. because i am always filled with lots of self-doubt, i have deliberated for a long time if this was a case of stockholm syndrome, but no it isn't. it does give me a sense of purpose and accomplishment knowing i've contributed to a team and stuff - it's actually pretty healthy validation, no?

and that was the thing i started out with at the beginning of the year - i rejected the idea of external validation. i wanted to staunchly believe, like i used to a long time ago, that i could do anything with just 'me, myself & i' - and that validation can come from within. what a bunch of horseshit, just like vegan organic food, and juicing, and mindfulness and all that 'always be positive and smile and love life' bullshit. okay correction - if juicing and mindfulness actually works for you, then good on you, different strokes for different folks. but i highly believe that all this is just distraction for me - it feels entirely fake and just a way to trick myself into patting myself on my back. anyway, we all need validation, but just like food, having healthy, sustainable validation works a lot better in the long run rather than the junk sort of validation. this steering towards healthy validation is of course very much a work in progress, but i suspect that most people would be able to relate to this, though they express it in different ways. though, many things in life still rely on trial and error at the end of the day - we can make conjectures about what works and what doesn't for us, but without really trying everything out, we wouldn't ever know. the big thing is - there are still many things we can learn from things that don't work out, many things we can learn from 'failures'.

lastly, and probably the hardest thing for me this year, is learning forgiveness. not just forgiving others, but forgiving myself. forgiving myself for sometimes having bad thoughts, for sometimes having bad days, for being very human.

however, i am still very much a snob, and that is something i don't think i ever want to change about myself. i'm one heck of a sassy motherfucker, and that is something i very much would like to keep about myself.

Monday, October 31, 2016

My coworker's boyfriend is so hot

Oh wow. So I went to a coworker's Halloween party recently (btw he's in my peer group so he's around my age) and I've met his boyfriend before, but this time his boyfriend was dressed in some gothic ballerina thing and had the tightest of tights, a tutu, and a leotard looking top. I could see all his muscles and even though he was cross-dressing (it was all black and he had some crazy stick-on skull tattoos and blood and shit) it was unbelievably hot. His chest is heaving and his arms are holllyyyy cow, so big and muscly - though I have better abs than him.

Usually I am not at all attracted to hairy guys, but this was one of the rare few times that I felt my spidey sense tingle looking at facial hair and chest hair. It was kind of like brazen and unkempt and I usually hate that but maybe it was Halloween and maybe it was just strange because he cross dresssed and stuff, but I spoke to him almost like...the whole night. Which is kinda bad of me, but I made sure I wasn't...hitting on him. Which obviously isn't cool. Bromos before hos. But my coworker and his boyfriend are really adorable though and I definitely had thoughts of initiating a threesome hahaha.

Don't get me wrong btw my firm is so huge I've never directly worked with my coworker nor will I ever really. So ain't that weird ;)

It was a really fun night. We got up to the roof and everyone started asking me to sing song after song and it was great drunken merry making.

Also, I am wicked ass proud of my gym progress now, my body is definitely more muscly now :) which makes me happy haha