Monday, April 3, 2017

I'm alive and very well

Wow. It's been a while. For some reason today I decided to check this, and I smiled reading an anonymous comment asking for an update. Here's it:

Life has been really good. I don't want to jinx it - but 2017 has been solid so far. I feel like I'm really getting into a good groove now. The below is gonna sound quite clinical since it's almost like I'm doing a self-diagnosis, but anyway - if you have been an old-time reader, you know my habits. 

Work
has been fantastic. I started out last year wondering if I should quit within six months (yet again), and now some days I find myself so eager to start the work day. The projects I've been working on have been intellectually challenging in industries that I thoroughly enjoy learning more about, with teams and managers that are bright, competent, and relatable. Basically, most of my team are Asian, and we get each other _so much_. Lol. In terms of like, being results-driven, being all about efficiency, finding the smartest and easiest way to achieve something, while cutting out all of the nonsense small-talk jabbering bullshit that people in the corporate West like to do. I'm so happy I found this little niche group where I can speak Mandarin with and virtually nobody else in the firm would understand us (my company is overwhelmingly British, so much for marketing ourselves as a diverse global powerhouse, heh). I also don't see many of my other peers in the office anymore which is great because honestly, I don't fancy most of them as they have terrible, terrible taste (for example, a highlight for them was going to Tiger Tiger to party - are you fucking kidding me? Tiger Tiger is literally a sewer.)

I'm also being recognised for my capability and my results and it makes me really happy. My teammates have also remarked to me that they really like having me around, because I light up the room aww. All of this + very reasonable working hours (plus I work from home 2-3 times a week) + no silly travelling that most consultants get involved with (I've been firmly rooted in London) = a very happy working man. 

Social life
has been unexpectedly packed - it's heartwarming. I really did not expect to see London as home, but now it is really slowly seeming that way. I've made terrific friends here. There are many little circles that I can call up on (I only like small groups rather than large social gatherings - they annoy me due to the fake trivial bullshit small-talk) and we always have a whale of a time. It took me a while to build these all up, and to also re-believe in myself, but I am thankful that I do have a pretty charming magnetic quality about me, and I shouldn't have doubted in the past that I would struggle to make friends here. Once again however, these friends are basically...all Asian. Lolol. But I really can relate to them the easiest: we love terrific food to the point we would hunt like vultures for the special food events (pop-ups, or guest chefs) [I've also now racked up 72 unique Michelin stars in the UK; i.e. counting 2 stars in total for visiting a 2-star restaurant more than once], everyone's ambitious as hell (all lawyers, bankers, consultants), everyone's got such a great blend of Eastern and Western values, and everyone loves karaoke :) ahahaha. Also, we all identify with the whole minority-ethnicity thing, along with the yellow fever thing, yadda-yadda. 

Also, per the Proximity Principle, I've made quite a few friends in my apartment building - mostly when I'm at the gym, or in the sauna / steam room. It's great because social isolation tends to happen for people who work from home; I don't get that because there is a semi-community vibe around here. 

One thing I did about my social life though - I straight-up cut out friends who I felt had a negative impact on my life. Friends who are too self-absorbed and drag me into their pathetic whining-to-fish-compliments situations, friends who are too morally different from me (e.g. going to sex parties all the time, or taking too much drugs) and who I then regularly end up arguing with because I am opinionated and find them morally repugnant, friends who are so fake and I bring nothing to their table yet they keep asking me to hang out for idk-why reasons - all got cut out. I was pretty vicious. I just stopped replying to most of them. But it has helped so much - it's all such unnecessary drama. 

Having the confidence to do things alone -

I do a lot of things alone now. As obvious as it may sound, it took a while for me to realise that alone does not mean lonely. I go to parks alone, art galleries alone, spend Sundays alone, watch movies at home alone, and I really enjoy it actually. It is my agenda, and I don't have to think about pleasing others. It's a great treat to do things alone. From this I know that I truly am becoming an old man haha, but that's okay too.

Physique -

is slowly but surely getting better. Some days I look in the mirror and really go 'wow, you've done well.' Here is a very poorly cropped progress picture:


Now I'm still nowhere near my avatar picture (that man is so hot btw oh my days) but I have definitely bulked up and I fill my shirts out more nicely now. This has really given me self-confidence to, ironically enough, focus less on nitpicking my physical appearance. And I think slowly, this is what I feel is key really to my own self-contentment (this obviously does not work for everyone). It's not about being a fat person and saying 'I love my body. My body is mine and nobody else has a right to tell me how I should look.' No. I don't want to be one of those who constantly verbalises 'self-love' and accepting one's self for how one is, but then having this knee-jerk social-justice-warrior stance of going apeshit the minute someone critiques one's appearance. This sort of verbalised 'love yourself for who you are' bullshit will not resolve the crux of the actual insecurity. Okay - let me back-track a bit. It is entirely useless by its own, but when combined with an actual dedication to CHANGE one's ways positively (in any context, not just physique-wise), self-love can then be sustainably achieved.

Dating life -

I stopped it. I deleted all the apps in the end. I was trying my best to keep my options open and see what else was out there - but honestly, very little is out there. I remember I was back home in Asia for a month last December, and I had 900 Tinder matches. Loads of guys were just crawling to see me naked, or sleep with me, or date me, and it strangely was the digital panacea that I needed to realise that I didn't need any of this attention at all. Okay - it probably was because I satisfied that barbaric need to feel sexually desired and therefore didn't need it after. It's a bit like gambling / investing maybe. Once you rack up the winnings, you quit on a high note - because it all goes downhill after that. For example, I could have become addicted to the validation from these men, and caved to having rampant sex (like every other generic fuck-boy out there) with no standards just to feel 'wanted.' No - I am not generic, and I certainly will not commoditise myself like the other plebs out there.

N -

N and I - hah! Okay, it is 2 am now on a Sunday and I should go to bed (I wrote a lot more than I thought I would - guess I always am swimming with thoughts) but needless to say we have a very complicated relationship. Complicated mostly by unhealthy circumstances, that are slowly un-complicating themselves. We were two people who loved each other, and though we were right for each other, it was the wrong time for each other. Separately now, over the last year, I have grown and found myself in a far stabler footing - and so has he. In fact, he has done very very well for himself and I am very happy for him. We aren't back together, but it does seem now, more than before, that the stars may re-align again. If we were to get back together, I think things will be very different this time, both of us being far, far more mature and on the same path in life (essentially, we both are working, very good jobs really, and surprisingly quite similar). Well, only time will tell.

------

So yeah, life is really good. I'm optimistic and positive, which isn't normal for me hah! and that feels really nice :) Here's a video (with a song that I love) to end:


Tuesday, December 20, 2016

now i know nobody reads this anymore, but

it's good to just have an outlet still to just pen my thoughts down.

this year has been a tough one again. i think as i grow up, i realize more and more that it is hard to grow up - i don't think i'm alone that when we were kids we were constantly told that we could do anything in the world, that we have very bright futures, that things will come more easily for us than for others. but what i've learned is that academic competence, or at least competence in these bubbles during adolescence, rarely translates easily to competence in the real-world. not just in the sense of street-smartness vs. book-smartness. just an overall sense of, fuck dude, life is pretty tough.

but i'm still very fortunate that yes, good things do come more easily for me than for many others in the world, and i am appreciative of that. but these all entail many bumps in the road still. and i don't think the ride will ever not be a bumpy one. it's more about understanding when to slow the car down either before you reach the bump, or once you know that you're on a bump. it's all about realistic expectations, but, equally importantly, to know when we should just take a different road instead.

each year i learn more things about myself, and each year i unlearn more things about myself. fortunately, in the grand scheme of things, i do still try to be a better person each year, as cynical as i am. each year i cry a lot, but each year i also smile and laugh a lot.

my perspectives on corporate life have also changed a lot. i used to think that i would never ever be the type that feels passionately about a job, because i judged those that seemed to feel passionately about their jobs as corporate zombies. but then i realized there was a difference between the type of people who defined themselves by their career and was truly chained to them, and those that genuinely enjoyed what they were doing and were more than willing to put in the extra effort to do well in the workplace. then i got sucked in to the marketing glamor of thinking that my potential is 'limitless' and that i will 'change the world' and then got really fucking sad and cynical when the humdrum hit. but at the end of the year, i realized i've still learned so, so much, and i actually love what i do (not all of the time of course), and that i've taken a lot of things for granted. because i am always filled with lots of self-doubt, i have deliberated for a long time if this was a case of stockholm syndrome, but no it isn't. it does give me a sense of purpose and accomplishment knowing i've contributed to a team and stuff - it's actually pretty healthy validation, no?

and that was the thing i started out with at the beginning of the year - i rejected the idea of external validation. i wanted to staunchly believe, like i used to a long time ago, that i could do anything with just 'me, myself & i' - and that validation can come from within. what a bunch of horseshit, just like vegan organic food, and juicing, and mindfulness and all that 'always be positive and smile and love life' bullshit. okay correction - if juicing and mindfulness actually works for you, then good on you, different strokes for different folks. but i highly believe that all this is just distraction for me - it feels entirely fake and just a way to trick myself into patting myself on my back. anyway, we all need validation, but just like food, having healthy, sustainable validation works a lot better in the long run rather than the junk sort of validation. this steering towards healthy validation is of course very much a work in progress, but i suspect that most people would be able to relate to this, though they express it in different ways. though, many things in life still rely on trial and error at the end of the day - we can make conjectures about what works and what doesn't for us, but without really trying everything out, we wouldn't ever know. the big thing is - there are still many things we can learn from things that don't work out, many things we can learn from 'failures'.

lastly, and probably the hardest thing for me this year, is learning forgiveness. not just forgiving others, but forgiving myself. forgiving myself for sometimes having bad thoughts, for sometimes having bad days, for being very human.

however, i am still very much a snob, and that is something i don't think i ever want to change about myself. i'm one heck of a sassy motherfucker, and that is something i very much would like to keep about myself.

Monday, October 31, 2016

My coworker's boyfriend is so hot

Oh wow. So I went to a coworker's Halloween party recently (btw he's in my peer group so he's around my age) and I've met his boyfriend before, but this time his boyfriend was dressed in some gothic ballerina thing and had the tightest of tights, a tutu, and a leotard looking top. I could see all his muscles and even though he was cross-dressing (it was all black and he had some crazy stick-on skull tattoos and blood and shit) it was unbelievably hot. His chest is heaving and his arms are holllyyyy cow, so big and muscly - though I have better abs than him.

Usually I am not at all attracted to hairy guys, but this was one of the rare few times that I felt my spidey sense tingle looking at facial hair and chest hair. It was kind of like brazen and unkempt and I usually hate that but maybe it was Halloween and maybe it was just strange because he cross dresssed and stuff, but I spoke to him almost like...the whole night. Which is kinda bad of me, but I made sure I wasn't...hitting on him. Which obviously isn't cool. Bromos before hos. But my coworker and his boyfriend are really adorable though and I definitely had thoughts of initiating a threesome hahaha.

Don't get me wrong btw my firm is so huge I've never directly worked with my coworker nor will I ever really. So ain't that weird ;)

It was a really fun night. We got up to the roof and everyone started asking me to sing song after song and it was great drunken merry making.

Also, I am wicked ass proud of my gym progress now, my body is definitely more muscly now :) which makes me happy haha

Sunday, September 18, 2016

Trying to be optimistic feels like constant work

Oh boy. It's actually such hard work to try and be happy. Is there such a thing as a sad optimistic person, and a happy pessimistic person? Or does happiness equal optimism equal sunshine? No clue really.

Work is getting annoying...at least I've managed to stay on this job for more than a year now, which is the longest I've ever done. Can't believe I've had three jobs so far and this is my longest lol, but I already feel like quitting. Being a management consultant is actually pretty stressful; I thought I could cope with it but hmm...but when I compare myself to my investment banker friends I definitely feel a lot better about myself lol (though I guess they are easily paid 30-40% more than I am)

One good thing: I've been getting good results from going to the gym. I'm very pleased actually. It has been very very slow of course - but I definitely lift heavier now and look a little bit more buff. I do think I have a bit of a body dysmorphic syndrome - loads of people have told me that I have a nice enough body but I tend to still think I have a long way to go. 

And this is the thing that also bugs me - is my perpetual sense of harsh self-criticism a manifestation of my Asian culture of always seeking for ways to improve, but collaterally also always feeling like one is never good enough? I have a lot of these philosophical musings nowadays. 

I wonder is this what it is like to get older? I am starting to feel like time is slipping through my fingers which is crazy because I'm not even 30. But there is a certain sense of monotony and nihilism in just going to work and coming back to an empty apartment and spending most weekends by myself now...it's just pretty lonely.

I really do miss being in love and being in a relationship. I definitely felt like life was full of hope and meaning. Until it all came crashing down of course. And it is sad that it almost seems like I obtain the most amount of happiness through being in a relationship, when people would always tell me "no, be by yourself and it'll be the best thing ever for yourself. You'll have so much fun and you won't feel tied down and find validation from within."

But what if that works for some but not for all? What if I'm just not cut out for just being single all the time? I can't even make myself really go on any dates with men - firstly there is literally no one eye-catching around; all the men I find physically hot are straight. Secondly, the gay guys here in London are just all so stereotypical. There are the gaymers, the young waif catty twinks, the muscle-bound escorts (they always are escorts), the hairy, the leather daddies, and the most annoying ones to me - the old white dudes who assume I would spread my legs open like Nutella on a fucking sandwich because they are white and I am a young nubile Asian boy.

Lol in English slang, just sod off. No kidding these are 50-60 year old dudes, and I'm just like...if you're looking for a young twentysomething WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I AM LOOKING FOR ANYTHING THAT DIFFERENT? Sheesh...

Most of the Asian guys here however, actually primarily go for white guys, so I'm really just stuck with talking to rice queens. Seriously - why can't people be less racist about this kinda shit? I wouldn't limit myself to a race or exclude myself from dating someone of another race.

And I feel kinda shitty about something I did recently. I've been feeling sexually frustrated...and there's this dude who's just a friend but I know he has the hots for me, and so he came round to talk and we had a couple drinks. I got pretty drunk in the end and so I let him massage me and then he actually rimmed me and sucked me off. He tried to kiss me too but I refused because...it's really bad of me but he's really unfit and short and not handsome...so he didn't do anything for me but the fact that he worshipped my body and couldn't stop sucking my nipples and feeling my body everywhere turned me on so much. I just really wanted to feel desired.

The next day I started feeling quite shitty about myself. Because I clearly used him, although for him I know he enjoyed it a lot because it was his lucky day to get to do that to me. He told me my body is amazing and he would have sucked me all night if he didn't have to go back to his bf's place because they're not seeing each other for a month (yeah - so that turned me on even more because he was being such an asshole to put me over his bf - they are open btw).

And I also felt shit because I'm really afraid that I'm a narcissist, or worse a sociopath. Because I've had such encounters before where I have no qualms at all just using people for my own pleasure, and then discarding them after. These are what I call "pity fucks" and I've done this in NYC, HK, etc - usually with really unattractive (to me) guys who thirst the shit out of wanting to touch me. And I just love that thrill and also almost just dehumanising them, getting them to kneel and do whatever I want with them.

A while back too there was this short French guy, and okay he's actually really young like 23 and pretty cute but kinda feminine (and also is dating a Taiwanese guy - as mentioned, all rice queens) and he kept saying I was really cute over lunch near my workplace, and I just liked that so much I brought him to a stairwell near a bridge like 3 minutes walk from my workplace and I dropped my pants and got him to kneel and suck me off. And actually he has a really nice suckable 7.5" ish dick I believe, but I just wanted all the attention to be on me.

I don't know again if this is just me being way too harsh on myself, but it's been making me feel quite awful about myself. I hate it especially because some dude once called me a sociopath though I really think he was one instead. But I don't know...

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Is there something wrong with me?

I know I should stop thinking that way - that something is wrong with me, but I really do feel that way. I have crippling anxiety problems that keep me up at night quite frequently. Which is silly.

I am going to really follow these steps http://www.wsj.com/articles/steps-to-turn-off-the-nagging-self-doubt-in-your-head-1465838679?ftcamp=crm/email//nbe/FirstFTEurope/product&mod=trending_now_2

And start physically writing down my tears and fears. It makes sense. They must become more trivial and silly once confronted.

Anyway, it's been so many months now. Like. 8 I guess since I broke up with N. We are still in contact. Which probably makes sense why I can't seem to forget about him and move on. He wants to try again but I'm still really so unsure.

In fact to be honest, I feel like I have little faith in love now. I've noticed this about me - I am once again, like my pre-out days, entirely cynical about relationships and true love. I watched The Normal Heart. I cried a lot. It made me feel disgusting to be gay for some reason.

Men only love when it is convenient to them. Love as a concept isn't everlasting at all, even when properly nurtured and tended to over time. My friends are part of a restless generation that constantly thinks one can do better than the current partner after a while. In the past people broke up with each other because they hated each other; now it's because they don't love each other enough. Because love was just one ingredient in what made a successful relationship for our parents, but now it seems like it's the end all be all. But the shit thing about this is that we perceive love as the stuff we see in movies. And so no one has realistic standards. And so in the end people cheat, lie, betray.

It feels inevitable that after a while people take the people closest to them for granted.

I do not ever want to be taken for granted. I feel like I might be at the stage where I will just close myself off from love. I have lots of guys that want to meet me up through Grindr / Tinder etc (I think I have 1400 unread messages on Grindr) but I'm really not interested in any of them. I just want to admire men from afar really. It just feels much safer that way, to covet for the unattainable, and be coveted as an unattainable.

Sunday, August 7, 2016

in many ways

, being single is overrated. but everything happens for a reason, and i am finding a lot of strength in myself that i never knew existed. i guess we all think we know better until shit really hits the fan. life is very optimistic in our untested environments. but once unexpected change comes, it is crippling, isn't it.

but the very good news is, human beings are awfully good at adapting to new environments. even the ones that we don't like.

is it strange, that even after so many months, when the waters in my heart ebb and flow in calm tides skirting round the jagged rocks that were my bad memories - that somehow my heart still patiently thinks of him? in many ways i am very happy with how things are going now - but almost every single activity i catch myself still thinking 'how nice would it be if i could hold n's hand and do this activity with him.'

be still, my heart. these things take time to unfold for themselves. i am neither dismissing, nor encouraging fantasies of n being back in my life - but i do have to admit to myself that he is still very much present in some aspects of my life.

we text. we meet up. we hug. we fight. we don't have sex. we yell. we make up. we smile.

we are neither friends nor are we lovers nor are we strangers. two bodies together but not together. how very odd indeed.

in other words, i write so much less nowadays. that is sad. i always loved writing.

Friday, June 17, 2016

life is still pretty much fucking awesome

a little weird that after my title, i'm writing about GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) but i finally sort of understand, like, my brain really. i've always had this worry that i'm 'abnormal' - that i'm this hyper self-aware self-critical guy with a constant sense of worry, that i have to be this fucking perfect person, because everyone around me is scrutinising me and judging me, which then leads me to form some sort of emotional detachment with my own feelings, flooding my brain with thoughts to rationalize away my pity and fear (yes - DCFC reference there),

and now i realise that i am not crazy - i merely am medically borderline crazy. lol. just kidding. but really - i've anxiety issues. wow. i read this: http://www.theladbible.com/articles/why-men-who-suffer-from-anxiety-need-to-be-taken-more-seriously-150616

and dude. it's spot on. what's worse is that i grew up GAY in a sociocultural environment that practically denies the existence of feelings (i mean - there is def. a stereotype that asian people are robots) and so no wonder my brain is a little fucked up!

but after seeing my therapist and stuff, she assured me that i'm fine. in fact, she said i'm really bright. which...well, i already knew that haha. but honestly, i wish i was more simple-minded. i read people's blogs, and i just look at people's eyes and the way they act and react and they're simpler. stupider, and simpler. life is easier that way.

but anyhow, i am, in a general sense, happy. man. i had a great day at work. this whole being a management consultant thing - i'm digging it. i am basically being paid to learn. learn like, soft skills really. organisation skills. ways to structure a situation and ways to solve a problem. it's great. it's like - actually such useful skills to have in life. i'm basically setting myself up to do great things in the future. and i'm happy for that.

second, my body. wow. i've become pretty lean. after my break-up and shit, i put my mind into being all like, fuck it, i'm going to make myself sexy, and he's gonna regret it, and after a while, i'll claim my new body for my own rather than for some vengeful blahblah.

it's not perfect yet, but i'm really proud of where it's at now:


and yes. i skip leg days. it's too tiring to train legs. though i want a nice butt. but anyhow i like myself lean and tiny. i do take way way more slutty shirtless selfies now too hahaha but it's fine. it's actually incredibly empowering to see changes in my body and be proud of it. 

third, i actually do get a lot of attention from guys. granted, none that i find attractive, but it's still nice. for example, this random guy messaged me on instagram after going on a like-rampage:


(also that comment about sociopath is because i told him i went on a 'date' and the guy called me a sociopath with little empathy for other human beings - which i assumed meant that he didn't want to see me again but he weirdly texted me after the meet-up that if i ever wanted to donate my salty cum to him, just let him know... lolwtf)

anyway what i've realised is - 1) unattractive guys do not have no taste as what i have always assumed - they still have standards, but just are less bitchy and more honest about their opinions. so i shouldn't just dismiss their compliments as empty words really 2) i still have not fooled around with anyone after breaking up with N other than that one time back home in february, but i'm okay about it. i'm always horny as fuck, and always on grindr and tinder checking out men, but at the end of the day, i'm super sensible (and well, cautious) about meeting up with men, so i don't in the end. 3) i do however, need to get better at trying not to want or need attention from men in my life. and properly live for myself, by myself. in fact, i quite like being untouchable / unattainable. 

fourth, i can't even begin to describe how much i really really love my new apartment. IT IS SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. albeit it's a studio and stuff, but there's a gym, a concierge, a sauna /steam room, a private cinema, etc. and like dude. it's my first time living alone. like properly alone man. and it's great. i'm becoming so independent. i am okay with doing things by myself. awesome possum. i am so thankful my parents are wealthy as shit and bought it for me so i don't have to pay 450£ of rent per week (that's about 2,600 USD of rent per month yikes...). another reason why i should be happy and not feel so guilty and shitty that 'oh my parents are super wealthy everything i have in life is fake i am a fraud i got here only because of them i have no talent of my own i should feel really apologetic about my parents' wealth and should live like a struggling starving young person just like everyone else' - it's extremely fucking hard to explain this to people but there is SO much pressure to 'be' poor as a young person. bc i feel constantly dismissed that i have 'rich people problems' and it's annoying...i am grateful and appreciative and that's enough - i shouldn't ever have to feel bad about my privileges. 

so yeah, i need to be more optimistic about things :):)

Sunday, May 8, 2016

You know what?

Life moves on. Wow. It's so tough letting go and realising how little control one has over one's life, and wait side note, how annoying it is to hear one use "one" multiple times in one's sentence - I kid, I love to say weird shit like that;

It's May. Holy fucking cow. Five months since everything spiralled out of control. A lot has changed but for the most parts, it feels rather similar. I am in a better place though, which is a good thing.

It's 3:30 am and tomorrow I am moving apartments once again. Except...N is helping me move this time. It's semi-complicated - which is something I have been trying to work with a therapist to disentangle but to be honest, I'm more Amy Schumer than Dianna Agron (go YouTube their names if you don't get that reference); all this positive shit is kind of lame and foolish really - the therapist told me that I should remember I am a human being not a human doing

LIKE OH COME ON

Basically I tried the whole woah this is a great time to develop myself as a person spiritually mentally etc-ally, and go to the gym and eat healthy and sleep well and walk up and down the stairs instead of taking the elevators and listen to happy music

Now I just chill fat on my bed jack off tons eat craptons of potato chips drink loads of coffee but I basically feel like the same dude my body isn't punishing me or whatever for all this.

Anyway. Real update another time. And just to make it clear. I am not together with N - we are definitely broken up.