Tuesday, September 11, 2018

I will blog an update soon

Man. It has been forever. I am sitting here in my Spartan rented apartment in Copenhagen and feeling a bit insomniac. I haven't been feeling great for a while now, and I think it is time for me to pen down everything again and vocalise a lot of the troubles facing me. In general, I guess life is okay though.

I hope whoever is out there in the world is feeling okay too. :)

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

Happy New Year!

The above is one of my fav songs (I'm very thankful younger me listened to really fantastic tunes and spent time sourcing them all, unlike now when I am too lazy and just stream ambient stuff instead) - I'm listening to it in bed now resting my head on a neck pillow after what feels like a totally odd week of utter bumming around and drinking and merrymaking. I've left my apartment in total ruins - very uncharacteristic of me actually. In fact I have also not even gone to the gym for two weeks now - holy shit. Tomorrow I will begin living responsibly again hah. 

Happy New Year people! Looking back at this year, I've once again learned so much, and also unlearned a few things. I can feel it; all of this will slowly be making me a better person in the future. 

I spent New Years in also a very odd fashion. I first had dinner with my Indonesian relatives, sang while my cousin played on the piano, then headed to meet a couple of friends at a house party, got absolutely drunk, couldn't really remember how I got home (I actually took the Tube rather than an Uber lol drunk and thrifty...), booty called a million people apparently, and ended up having a random guy come over and smoke weed and fool around with. Woke up the next morning and was like yup no he isn't hot at all ahahaha, oh wells! No harm done :)

I don't post much nowadays, mostly because I'm busy, and then lazy. I'm sorry (if anyone has been expecting posts). So my year in review - highlights:

  1. Travel. Over the past two months, I have travelled to Singapour, Shanghai, Krabi, Perth, London, Paris, Bruxelles, Copenhague. In this year I also travelled to Bogotá, Wien, Stockholm, Ohrid (FYROM). I've had a lot of fun (half of these were for work), and thoroughly enjoyed myself. Am indeed very lucky to be able to go to all these places. 
  2. My career. I've absolutely been doing very well at work, and it feels hugely satisfying and fulfilling to be learning and also contributing so much. I've been on incredible projects, I've even presented to senior clients as part of an RFP response (jargon I know, but this basically means I got to do something that usually only someone with 6-8 years of experience would be doing), I've spoken to the senior executive team about my experiences with the social innovation conference, etc. It feels really good finally growing into something, you know? Especially since my previous two jobs in SG and HK dented my self-esteem a lot. 
  3. Breaking up with N. It was a long time coming for sure. Though Facebook keeps sending me down memory fucking lane with happy pictures of our yesteryears, and while I still pine for the gentle love and affection that I gave and received during those early days, at least now I know I am indeed better off without him. It took a while for me to come to terms with that. 
  4. Becoming semi-ripped. Oh man what a confidence booster it has been. Working out has been great for me. I'm definitely going to keep at it next year too, so I will start seeing some real gains. 
  5. Becoming more moderate and chill, hence better relationships with family and friends. I think overall, maybe it's part of growing old bleh, I have mellowed out a lot, and am generally an easier person to be around. My last trip back home was the best one yet - I actually did get closer to my family. 
For 2018, I'm going to try my best to always keep things in perspective, and be more glass half full than half empty for at least >50% of the time. I gotta be more optimistic! As things do have the tendency to work out in the end...I also need need need to commit to sleeping more...I definitely do not sleep enough (6.5 hours on average per night bleh).

I've already got some pretty interesting stuff lined up for the year. For one...I am now working in København every Mondays to Thursdays, for at least the next 6 months. Yes, that means 4 am Monday mornings for me to catch a flight there, and then flying back on Thursdays to Londres. Blehhh. It is also really cold there, but it is refreshing to be in a smaller city, eating really painfully healthy organic food, and enjoying the hygge way of life.

Single life is still kind of mundane. I think I've started enjoying partaking in casual fun from time to time, but I've oddly still not really gone on any dates at all (oh yeah, the dude I talked about before - he's straight, welp). Well who knows? Maybe I'd meet someone this year :) And if I do, maybe this time round it'll work out for the long term; or maybe it wouldn't. C'est la vie.

Monday, November 20, 2017

All my neurotic fears in one post

Some times I can't tell at all, whether I am very mentally fragile, or mentally resilient. I'm going to try and just write out all my fears, as an avenue to let it out rather than keep it in and feeling so suffocated...
  1. I'm really afraid I will be kicked off my upcoming client engagement at work, because I don't have the right to work in that country. It makes me feel very sad, and anxious. The application for a work permit is likely to bothersome for the engagement mgr. This means: I will lose out on what sounds like an extremely exciting and enriching long-term piece of work with a great, smart team, in a cool foreign city, and I will become very depressed because I wanted something and didn't get it.

  2. I am afraid that if I keep thinking that I am above average in competency at work, and end up not getting the validation for this i.e. getting an early promotion in 8 months, my emotional levels will plummet like crazy. I know - I worry about things 8 months in advance.

  3. I am afraid I will be forever alone. I know I am not unique here - but really, the people I find attractive are never really attracted to me. I know it just takes one person, but the probability of that seems so slim, and even if that one person shows up, there is zero certainty it'll last.

  4. I am annoyed with my body. I feel like I have put in a considerable amount of constant dedication in the gym, but progress is still at a snail's pace. My pecs, arms, everything - they're still not big enough. I am afraid I will never be satisfied with my physique.

  5. I am afraid I will take way too long to get over N, and it'll negatively affect my next relationship if I ever even get one. I am afraid of me pleading with him to get back with me, and give us yet another chance when he has blown it multiple times already. I am afraid I will for too long a time see his ghost in the tiny things I do or see in my daily life, like how he is taller than my bed and his feet always stuck out the bottom, or how we pronounced the word tired as 'tye-ruhd' as couple-speak.

  6. I am afraid that men only want to sleep with me...and nothing more. I dislike being objectified because I want people to know that there is so much more than me than my exterior and that I'm not just some typical 'cute' boy with zero brains or personality. Yet I am afraid of talking about this that much with friends because it comes across as such a stupid 'hot people problem'', but yet I am also terrified that my friends all secretly think I am unattractive as fuck and that I am so big-headed to think that I am vaguely attractive.

  7. I am afraid to top someone even though I really want to try...I get this sense that more bottoms are interested in me than tops (from all the hookup apps), and whenever they ask if I can top them, I end up not meeting them, because I am terribly afraid they will find out I am not at all experienced, or that they find that my phallic size is disappointing (someone once actually said it out loud to me 'oh you have a small d like me' - it really hurt). I am terrified of sexual performance anxiety; which is why bottoming is easier in some ways I guess. 

  8. I am afraid of getting old. I still look really really young - but my actual age is 28, and I am terrified that I become one of those men who turns 40 and is still skulking around on hookup apps. I am terrified of not finding someone in the next year really, because I would then be much older than initially expected of having a husband and having kids. I am terrified of only finding love when I am 50...

  9. I am afraid that T, the person I find attractive, is actually straight. Because it is so rare for me to find someone that I actually find attractive from first impression, and that I remain captivated after speaking to him. I met him at an event organised by people from my country. How funny - I never thought I'd be able to date someone from my country, but this guy is handsome, fit, tall, friendly, and is also a management consultant, so we totally get what we do for work. I have felt semi-gay vibes from him (mostly because he is pretty, and he doesn't seem to have a girlfriend after I stalked him on FB, and also because he agreed to meet up 1-on-1 for lunch on a Sunday, though this is also because we both live pretty close by), but I have a hunch that even if he is gay, he is most likely very closeted, and I am afraid that I am getting myself sucked back into the same shithole of dating someone from a very conservative background like N. I have let him know that I am gay, but he hasn't said anything...he is also terrible with replying texts and it's a bit of a N deja-vu here...I should be meeting up with him around Christmastime in London, and maybe I should be a bit more forward and ask him if he's seeing anybody? Or if he's into males or females? I don't know. Maybe I should just tell him I find him attractive? God he has such nice pecs...which leads me to my next point,

  10. I am afraid I will always only go for people who look physically attractive and forgive their emotional/mental shortcomings (i.e. keep dating people that are wrong for me and going through even more heartbreaks that splinter my heart more and more, even though so far it's been only S and N), while hypocritically getting pissed off with people who objectify me. I actually actively want to date someone not attractive, because statistically that person would be less of an asshole? Lol - that's my brain for you...

  11. I am afraid I will amount to nothing professionally. Quite a few of my friends have started up their own companies; others have gone on to do MBAs at Harv@rd, Whart0n, etc. For me? I am just a corporate dude. I hate how competitive I make everything out to be, even though I actually feel fulfilled with my current job, and really really love what I do, but at the back of my head I feel like a failure because I am not creating a new start-up to solve some crazy world problem. I tell myself to chase experiences, don't chase money (especially because I don't need it as my family is well-off), but then I feel so much pressure that I need to out-earn my parents, or out-earn my friends, when so many are earning 3x my pay already.

  12. I am afraid of going bald. Sigh. My hair is something I am extremely vain about. I am terrified of this happening, because I know I look ugly without hair (I had to shave my head for the army, so I know this).

  13. I am afraid of losing external validation, even though I know it is so unhealthy and toxic. E.g. IG...I got really sad that I went from having 1500+ followers to 1400+ over the course of a few days, that I deactivated my account because I hated the pressure of feeling that people were actively unfollowing me. Which once again is so hypocritical of me, because I've attacked N multiple times in the past for having an inflated sense of himself just because he's an insta-celebrity with 40+k followers.

  14. Essentially, I am afraid I am one gigantic shitty hypocrite, and that I will always be so neurotic and harsh on myself for the rest of my life, unable to give myself a break and practice self-acceptance. And that one day, I will truly burn out completely and actually go mentally insane. Or, cumulatively, all my stress and anxieties cause me to get early onset Alzheimer's. 


I've had an extremely eventful last two months. Many things happened - many positive things in fact. I've been doing insanely well at work, it is almost hard to believe it. I've had a very active social life. I also met a guy from a community event (non-gay) who has made my heart flutter, but I can't actually figure out if he's gay or not...without asking him point-blank which idk, to me, feels weird. I'll talk about that in another post. In fact I'll talk about everything in another post.

I know it's getting old, but I still miss the warm tenderness I felt when I was in a healthy loving relationship with N. I don't know why I can't seem to move on.

I spoke to him just this morning, after he texted me. I found out that he's actually still dating the guy that he got together with a month after we broke up. Wow. I told him I was surprised he moved on from me so fast. He said he don't think he ever will, but things are going well with him and his new boyfriend.

I feel a bit devoid of emotions right now. I told him we will meet up back in London and he needs to grant me the honesty that he took away from me, as I still have no idea what happened between us, with him. He said he will explain to me.

I will cut him off after that...also after January when he promised he will pay back the 5000£ I lent to him.

It actually helped to talk to him tbh. It brought him down to earth for me - I honestly romanticize him so so much. He is not at all as fantastic as I imagine him to be. But it is oddly hard to let go of that fantasy still.

This sounds terrible, but I really want to have a new boyfriend, to help me move on completely. I want someone to love me intimately, so I can fully love myself again. It is wholly selfish, but I am very confident that I will turn the initial selfishness into selflessness after.

I just need to be able to have someone restore the faith in love, and relationships for me again.

Hard part is meeting someone I find compatible...it is honestly so so hard? I am turning 29. I feel really old. I wanted babies when I turn 32...that's not gonna be possible now...

Anyway, can people relate to the video below? I am so sure I have general anxiety disorder. I feel this way a lot - but I am a highly functioning anxious neurotic I think; I hide all my issues so so well. My exterior and interior are completely different, it feels quite alienating...

Sunday, October 1, 2017

Oh boy

So I am reading more of my entries way back in 2013, and damn. I cringed reading some of them. I was such a young immature brat. I probably still am I guess.

Every night before I sleep, I think about how my bed is empty. I think about the 'old' N - before he lost his way (multiple times). Then I try to shift focus to a more positive outlook; in 4 days' time I will be in Coloooommbia, and the week after that Viennna - both for work. These are very very welcomed distractions in my life.

Don't get me wrong - I don't spend my whole day moping about and pining after N. It's funny because it's all very very latent. It's like I go about my day and suddenly there's an 'oh yeah, N' thought, but I still go about my day pretty fine really. It's more at the end of the day, or when I get back to my apartment that I'm like, yeah, K, you could use some cuddles.

But in terms of things non-love and non-sex-related, I am in a very good place. It certainly feels very nice.

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

I miss...

I miss the warm blanket of safety that is love. Someone I could be completely vulnerable around with, someone I could be a small child in the inside.

Now I feel a little like a lone wolf, unprotected and naked out in the woods.

Monday, September 18, 2017

Ambivalent after fooling around with a friend

So this is pretty much the first time in my life that this has happened - I usually delineate my friends from sexual / romantic interests pretty clear-cut; the friendzone is very real for me hah. So last night has left me feeling a bit at odds with myself...

So I met G before I met N - some time in 2012 I believe. He's French, and I remember when I first saw him in 2012 (when I was in the closet), I thought he was very cute. We smoked weed a couple times together, and went bar-hopping a few times with a mutual female friend, but never did anything. After I came out to him a year later, by telling him about N, he told me that back then he wanted to ask me out because he found me attractive but thought I was really homophobic. Yes...I was one of those textbook 'homophobes' who are actually homo themselves, hah.

Anyway, he ended up dating an Asian guy, and we met up a couple times - the three of us, for food and stuff. G then moved to China or something, and then came back to London for a masters in maybe urban planning or something (I confess, I don't really listen much to people's lives if they aren't interesting bits of information)

Yeah so I haven't seen him in maybe a year, so we agreed to meet up at my place and drink wine and stuff. Yeah, honestly... when he suggested coming to my place, alarm bells did ring in my head thinking, oh is this gonna be a hook up? But I friendzoned him + he has a bf...

He came over, and the first thing I noticed was how much weight he has put on. He used to be a pretty lanky guy but now he is definitely in dadbod territory. And he's only 25...he definitely is still cute but he looks much older now even when clean-shaven - honestly this is also one of my biggest reservations about dating a Caucasian person because broadly speaking they age a lot faster than Asians and I kind of want to find someone who looks eternally youthful like me lol.

So he brought a bottle of wine, and we started drinking, and soon we drank 3 bottles of wine and had 2 pizzas. He smokes a lot (darn Frenchies), so whenever he went out to the balcony he would ask me along to just stand there and inhale second-hand smoke + keep him company, but London is cold as donkeyballs now, so I can't really remember how it happened but we were talking about our relationships -

; his bf is in Asia and they've been doing an open relationship for a while now but G feels like it's not working out so he wants a clean break-up. I told him about what happened between N and I (when I drink I start saying overly maudlin things like - I fear that I'll always be alone and won't be able to find a love that I shared with N like the 1st 2 years);

and he hugged me and told me not to be so sad, and then he started gently kissing my neck. I hugged him tight, and as I lent him my basketball shorts (N always teased me about my basketball shorts being that they are so ugly and a gay person would never wear them, lol) because we were in the pool beforehand and his briefs were wet, I could see that he had a raging erection sticking out from my shorts. I grabbed it and said 'haha oh my god are you turned on by this??'

And G was all shy and said 'of course' and I kept stroking his dick, which, dude, was huge. We went back in, and somehow started making out a lot - he's a good kisser, and we got naked. Soooo he is insanely hirsute which is normally not my thing, but I was pretty tipsy, and he was kissing me all over my body, and rimming me, and sucking me off, so it was very nice.

And I got a better look at his penis. Holy cow. It was big. Throughout my hookup experiences, I am always quite amazed at how I consistently meet up with Caucasian guys who have really large members, while the Asian guys that I've fooled around with almost all have smaller dicks than I do. However, G left his bush completely untamed, and that was a big turn-off for me...

In general this is the level of body fuzz that I like / can do with:

Mmm. I like trimming most of my body hair (though I already am relatively hairless), so I like it when the other guy does it too. Not hairless of course, but just light fuzz is very sexy.

So anyway, he loved my ass. He kept rimming me - I showered before too, so I felt comfortable letting someone do that to me. It was kinda nice to have someone again appreciating every inch of my body. It really was very nice validation I won't lie. He was really drunk so he crashed on my bed, and I stayed up for a little while longer to watch an episode of GoT Season 2 lol... and then I went to bed too. He cuddled me a lot, and fingered me but after a while went back to sleep too.

In the morning, this happened again, and he would rim me while jerking my dick off, and I knew he really wanted to fuck me because he raised my legs up in a missionary position and kept circling the head of his penis around my anus and for a while I was kinda up for fucking since I haven't been fucked for a longgg time, but then all kinds of 'overthinking' thoughts came into my head

as I was sober now, I started thinking - wait. HIV? Has he done sexual health screening? No condoms? No way am I barebacking. Do I seriously want to be fucked by a friend? Is this how I want to roll?

Also, I don't know what is up with me, but when the weather gets really dry in London, I chafe soooo much in my nether regions. Like I actually have tears now on my foreskin and my balls are kinda scaly-looking....it's terrible. Plus I don't pre-cum at all which is frustrating, so as he was jerking me off it started hurting a lot, so I took over the job of wanking myself with lube, and he was licking my nipples (I love nipple play) which helped me finish the job. He then jizzed too, which shot on to my arm, and then things got really.awkward.lol.

I wanted to shower almost immediately, but G wanted to cuddle...and I was thinking - how on earth can anyone think of cuddling after cumming? We are filthy as fuck! I hate the smell of cum. In fact I hated it that we did it on my bed (actual fact: I changed my bedsheets immediately after he left). And actually, when I have invited some of the other 'friends with benefits' type of people over, I always made it clear to them I'm a bit of an OCD neat / hygiene freak and would prefer us fooling around on the couch, and to jizz only on body parts (or swallow) so that the cum wouldn't dribble on to the furniture.

So I said no, and I jumped up and went to shower, and then he showered too. After that I thought he would leave, but as they always do....G lingered around...till 1pm. Like, why? I can't stand the morning afters for hook-ups, it is always strange to me that people want to linger around hah. Granted he is a friend I guess. But I just did my own thing really - I had cereal for breakfast, offered him some, then watched yet another GoT episode, while he sat there on his laptop and did some work stuff.

When he left, I did a post-mortem of the whole thing, as my annoyingly analytical brain always does. First, I gathered all paraphernalia involved in the coital session - bedsheets, towels, basketball shorts, and I washed them all. I think because he was so hairy, I felt he was unhygienic (I didn't suck him), and possibly very sweaty, plus with his cigarette breath on my pillowcases, I needed to wash everything. Stat. Lol.

Secondly, I mulled over the dynamic of our friendship now. What if I meet J somehow in the future, his bf / ex-bf? Do I see G that much? Possibly not. How do I feel about hooking up with a friend?

Honestly, it was weird. It was hot but it was also weird, because my brain just doesn't know how to continue being friends with someone after seeing each other naked + with cum. It made me think that for L, my really good friend, I better not plant myself in situations where I could potentiallyyyy hook up with him. Though I think he has friendzoned me harder than I have friendzoned him - I've slept on the same bed with him 3 times now and not once have we done anything.

Still, it was nice to have some action after all ;) Usually, post-coital me walks on the street smiling a bit hahaha. G also complimented my body quite a bit - he said I look different from a year ago when he saw me - that I'm more muscular and less baby-fat-looking, which is nice.

I do hope I don't see G for a while now though...yeah.

Also, this guy is my #pecgoals. What a totally adorable smile too.

Saturday, September 16, 2017

Mia & Sebastian's Theme

It's 4 am. Late nights in an empty apartment.

I'm reading through my 2013 entries, from the time I first met N. Wow. It was drama since Day One for sure, hah...

You know. I miss the kid. I really do. I find myself going about my daily life and randomly recalling a funny memory about both of us. Totally random things...like how we went to a night market in Cambodia and got the little fishies to eat the dead skin off our feet and it was so ticklish and N was giggling and squealing like a little girl. Or how we tried the yak butter tea made by a Tibetan host family when we travelled in Sichuan, China. Or how I typed such innocuous word in the search bar of my Whatsapp and found N's old number where he wrote to me, almost exactly 3 years ago, 'Booboo, please come kiss me before you leave. Don't let me sleep on the sofa again. Come take me to bed to you. Miss holding booboo in bed.' (this is because he always fell asleep watching TV, and I would just put a blanket over him, and I'd go down to sleep on the actual bed instead) - strange how now that I'm not in a relationship such sweet-nothings like booboo sound terribly childish and stupid to me.

I feel really ashamed to admit this - but there is still an odd feeling within me that maybe in a few years' time I'd meet N again and he would really change *for good* this time, and we would live happily ever after...

I am trying very hard to ignore such thoughts - because they are not rational at all. Strange how I am so harsh and exacting with everyone else, yet with N I keep giving him chances. I cannot give him yet another. So I have to constantly remind myself of all the hurt he has caused me, even though I remember less and less of the hurt nowadays, and all I remember is the pining after him.

Next week is a big week at work - I am leading the client workshop myself. I have been very nervous about it - I always irrationally feel like I am underperforming though by every glaringly obvious avenue, I am over-performing. I actually got nominated by the managing partners in my firm, and the CEO selected me as one of a few delegates to a conference in South America. It's one of those 'future leaders under 30' sort of thing - extremely passionate young professionals mingling together to solve world problems etc. Honestly - sounds way too altruistic for me, but while I may sound very selfish a lot of times, I think I really do have a good heart underneath it all...so we will see how I feel about the conference. Previous keynote speakers have been world leaders actually...so that is very, very cool.

So it does seem in a sense that at work I might be fast-tracked to a manager route, but yet I still have self-esteem issues...bleargh.

I haven't been good with blogging the stuff I wanted to talk about, but then again...nobody really reads this, though...that shouldn't form my motivation per se, but oh well.

I should go to bed. I'm meeting friends for lunch tomorrow, then might check out a museum exhibition by myself, and then a friend is coming over for drinks tomorrow night.

K, you're gonna be alright in the end. Just trust me on that, okay?