Sunday, December 9, 2018

2018 in Summary

Hey there :)

It's 5.45am now in Singa-land, where I'm back, jetlagged, for the holidays. I suck - I didn't manage to update this space last week, but I'll do one now.

This year has been one hell of an emotional ride. Over the last few weeks, I have looped Ariana's 'thank u, next' multiple, multiple times, because, in a very gay sistahly way, I relate to how she's been through a lot (suicide bombing in Manchester, engagement call-off etc.) but has spent more time with herself and how she's fucking grateful for everything that made her grow.

I am indeed, so fucking grateful for 2018. It has been a defining year. The greatest thing I learned this year, is to be more okay with my emotions. I allow myself to feel hurt, or stressed, or insecure, or angry, and also happy, appreciative, or silly. And then I try not to dwell on those emotions too much. For me, I've always felt massive guilt or massive self-censuring whenever I felt stressed out as if I was too weak to handle 'life' because I'm a gay man (I do this quite a lot, inherently I know I still equate being gay as being less of a man, it is wrong, I know), but now, with a good amount of help from the therapist I was seeing, I am just a lot more okay that I get moments of feeling overwhelmed. And in many ways, by being more okay with my emotions, that it is perfectly understandable why I feel the way I feel, they don't spiral me into bouts of negative thinking as much as before.

The last few weeks have been nothing short of amazing. Everything has miraculously worked out so well in my favor, when it didn't seem so for the rest of 2018. I smile all the time, I am able to control the amount of alcohol I drink (which is amazing), I essentially radiate positive energy :)

  1. I had a tremendously enjoyable 30th birthday weekend. I joined 10ish other friends (half were new friends) in a weekend getaway in a beautiful cottage by the beach along the English Channel. I've never done much exploring in the UK outside of London. The landscape here was grey, grim, and stoic - quintessentially English. We hiked along the cliffs and for those few hours there was nothing else in the purlieu - foilage seemed scrubbed raw by wind and rain, sheep quietly stirred in the distance, skies a perpetual rusty charcoal swirl. Mother Nature dictated, and everything else listened. I found myself in one of my usual introspective moods, far away from the familiarity of gargantuan noisy cities, the scenery here felt fierce, bitter, unforgiving, eerie, and altogether tragically beautiful. The rest of the weekend was spent in a happy drunken stupor, cooking (and devouring) lots of food, playing funny (and intense) board games, having in-depth conversations about growing up.
  2. I went to Paris with my family for an incredible experience - I watched the PSG vs Liverpool game, in the VIP box. Having champagne, nibbles, in a quiet private area in a deafening stadium, was pretty damn cool. Apparently Leo DiCap was in the VVIP box, unfortunately I didn't get to see him. This was a great experience because other than the opulent luxury that I always love (I find luxury extremely therapeutic to me) I bonded with my brother with something that he really loves - football. Oh, it was a great trip overall - I am less close to my brother than to my sister but I love him dearly and so I was very happy here.
  3. In Paris, we stayed in an incredible, incredible hotel - the Four Seasons. Hands down this is the most exquisite, palatial hotel I've ever stayed in my life. Christmas lights were everywhere, and I love Christmas lights. Also look at the pool:


  4. Everything with the new job is settled, admin-wise. It has been nerve-wracking with this whole work visa process (honestly it's extremely stressful to be a work immigrant). I even wrote out a whole flow chart as to what actions I needed to take depending on different scenario outcomes for the visa (long story short but I was cutting it really close with the timings of everything). I could then properly quit my old job, and enjoy Christmas break with family, completely, completely stress-free.
  5. This is the surreal part. I am insanely stress-free now, uncomfortably so, somewhat. I will not however, discount myself here by saying that it was all luck - I seized all the opportunities at the right time, so I am really proud of myself too. I smashed my interviews for the new job, even though I was mentally fraying at the seams from the abuse on the Danish project. I proactively followed up, chased, prodded along the headhunter, and the new firm's HR to expedite the tangled process of work sponsorship. My efforts have paid off, and I am really just so goddamn happy about it!
  6. I watched the play for Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time. I went without much expectations though I knew it won many, many awards, and I left in awe of the whole thing. This is one of my favorite ever books when I was younger, obviously along with Perks of Being a Wallflower. This is unlike the book, which was able to bring out the tragically poetic & isolated musings of the protagonist through words. What the play was very strong at was the creative use of the stage. It was beautiful. Hard to describe with words, but it was a great use of technology, and old-school stage magic. The main actor was also brilliant at being so dorky, I actually started finding him really cute halfway through the play.
  7. Therapy has been great. This is the first time I feel like I have learned so much from it, perhaps through a combination of how I was the most able to relate to this one than previous counsellors, and also that I was not at work for basically a month due to burning out, so I was finally able to take a very rare pause in my otherwise hectic life to help others help myself. I had so many tiny little 'eureka' moments with the lady, most of which individually nudged, but collectively shifted the power balance back to myself. One example is just being a lot more comfortable that I am an extremely orderly, structured, logical, sort of person. I always felt a bit of a freak with these things - e.g. how I like to enumerate all my paragraphs, how I need to conduct scenario analyses in my head for literally every event in my life to mentally prepare myself for all outcomes. I used to fret and be like, why the fuck can't I just be like everybody else and go with the flow? Well, because the fucking thing is - I am not like everybody else. I don't even want to be anyway...this is how I am, and this is what works for me, so I'll continue doing it.

    It's like all these little things that have pieced my inner confidence back together, which was chipped away by work this year, which represented in some ways, like an abusive & toxic relationship in my life. Another example of how she has helped me, is to open my eyes about how therapy 'works'. I used to have a very cynical view that none of them were remotely intelligent enough to engage in any sort of conversation with me. I have learned to judge a little less that way.

    In fact, one of the previous ones, a gay white man, I loathed him. He was middle-aged, fat, pompous, and judgemental, but I felt compelled to resonate with him from the get-go because he was 1) gay 2) living in a really posh part of London. But he kept shoving his opinions down my throat when I never asked for them (an example was when he was adamant that my parents are bad parents because they 'dented' parts of me). This lady in contrast, lived in a small dingy rented shoebox sort of room in a terribly low-income and sketchy part of London. She was black, a lady, and from Africa (not born in the UK), and initially, my extremely judgemental self thought I would have nothing in common with her. How wrong was I. She was so level-headed all the time, and all her inputs were very simple, but always very helpful. I feel like I am rambling here a bit, but I really loved her. She made me realise that therapists are similar to how management consultants are. The client always (falsely) believes that he is paying top dollar to this person to solve all of his problems, so why is this person constantly hankering him for more information, or making most of the 'work' still lie on the shoulders of the client? Because just like how I have to educate my clients, only you will know your business the best, I have not lived through the growth of the company at all, but it is very helpful for an external person to come in, provide structure and frameworks, and ask the right questions to tease out how you can come up with a solution yourself that will work best for your company. And it's completely the same with therapy. All she did was nudge me with questions that always made me ponder and reflect and I came up with my own 'solutions' instead. In some ways I was willing to allow myself to be this receptive because I honestly thought I would loathe her at the start but I also secretly root for the underdogs and when she started to win me over, I was sold haha.

    Another thing that I learned: I used to think that my gay identity was more defining (as it was more crippling) to me than my ethnic identity. False. I could not at all relate to the gay white male therapist because he was so privileged in his views as a white man, he was unable to be more receptive that there are different ways of life out there in the world. He kept telling me my parents abused me because they hit me when I was younger, but fucking hell, that's just how East Asia is. In contrast, this straight black female therapist was so understanding that while she might not have gone through my experiences, she could understand where I was coming from, even when I told her things about how I some times feel so filled with guilt that my family is so, so so much wealthier than the 99% of the world out there. It solidified for me once again that I do relate to non-white people the most, as is reflective now of my friendship groups which are virtually devoid of white friends. And I am completely okay with that now. In the past in college especially, I went out of my way to make white friends, simply because I wanted to prove that I wasn't one of those 'Asians' who stuck only with other Asians. Now I simply don't give a fuck - I am incredibly Asian, and one of the best things about Crazy Rich Asians is, in a very funny way, I am so much more comfortable also that many of my friends are legit crazy rich, and Asian. Even back in grad school, I used to distance myself from my crazy rich classmates, because I thought they were mostly out-of-touch assholes. Sure many of them are, but the majority are actually very nice and hardworking.
Basically, I am filled with hope for 2019. I believe my new job will give me a lot of stability (since I wouldn't have to travel much more for work) to ground myself, while still giving me a lot of challenges (I am the second person to be hired in this entirely new cross-functional department). I believe I am growing up more and more and becoming more assured of who I am, and that it doesn't matter than I am 30 and may some times feel like I am 'falling behind'. I am also more able to embed healthier routines for myself - for e.g. I have a mood app now to do daily self-check-ins to see how am I feeling, and I really like it, along with the 5 minute meditation I do in the mornings. These are mostly to ritualise good habits as insurance when things will inevitably go 'bad' for me at some point, but these will be tools to help weather the storm for sure. I also am oddly hopeful that I would be able to meet a romantic interest next year, because of a few things: 1. I really am a lot more okay with being single. I don't see that as being inferior anymore to someone who is coupled. 2. Work circumstances are a lot more stable, I will no longer be ripped apart living in 2 cities. 3. I am more okay with who I am, and perhaps in some ways, it helps me to be more okay with who I would like to go on dates with. 

What does that mean? Well, the honest truth is, N was someone who I wanted to date also because I knew he was handsome, and the arm candy element of him actually meant a lot to me, to bolster my own value when people looked at me together with him. Now however, because I believe I am on the right path to more self-acceptance and self-love, I am more assured of my own value, as a single person, that I don't really care if the other person is stereotypically super hot anymore. Does this make sense? Like, I think I was always restricting myself with the kind of guy I wanted to end up with because I cared about what other people think about me too much. Now I genuinely care much less, part of growing up, and also partly because I haven't been on social media much at all this year to feed that external-validation-monster within me (I deactivated both FB and IG). So I think I will be a lot more okay to go on dates with dorky nerdy kinda guys when in the past, I felt that it was only worth my time if I met with someone who ticked all the boxes...which were a combination of what worked for me, but also what would appear the 'best' to others too. It is liberating. I don't feel like I need to date only hot guys. But equally, I'm not going to keep pressurising myself to date 'ugly' guys or whatever, I'll just date whoever with less internal judgement to begin with!

Makes sense? Okay I am tired now, it is 7 am. Fuck me. I shall go back to bed. 

Monday, December 3, 2018

thank u, next

i'm so fucking grateful for my ex :) ok imma pen thoughts down sometime this week - committing to it!

Tuesday, November 6, 2018

Hello, World!


Be the wheels not the track
Be the wanderer that’s coming back
Leave the past right where it’s at
Be more heart and less attack

Wow. Hey there. It's currently 2.30am in London and I'm chest-down on the diagonal of my bed on this wintry night and I've just had two glasses of Sauvignon Blanc listening to all the great, quiet songs from all the great musicians that I listened to when I was younger, like Lisa Hannigan, Sea Wolf, Girls (such a great band), etc. Nostalgia in some sense, because I just watched 'Love, Simon' and I cried, I squealed, I hugged my cushion on my couch, I loved it, in short.

Image result for love simon

[Also brace yourself this is going to be a long post to make up for the silence of this year]

'Love, Simon' and 'Call Me By Your Name' have been two insanely great gay coming-of-age films recently, mostly because...it reveals how...terribly isolating it is hiding a secret even when like, the circumstances around seem perfect. Very liberal, educated parents, supportive friends, not-too-self-destructive patterns of behaviour, and yet, the gay secret still eats someone from the inside. I related so much to Simon Spier because, that was how I was back then in high school. In fact, the movie felt like a gay version of The Perks of Being a Wallflower which, I've mentioned time and time again, is my fave book ever. And the music, oh boy, the music in these films, are always so good, they inspire me to listen to good music again. Also, Nick Robinson is like the scrawny but still very dreamy lovechild of Shawn Mendes and Antoni Porowski so uhm, yes he is dreamboat.

Anyway yeah, hi there. Hi blog. Wow. I started you more than 5 years ago. I cannot believe it. I had another of you when I was even younger in high school, but that was terribly dark because I always carried the albatross of being gay on the other you, but never could reveal it for fear the world would come to a standstill. Watching all these young gay characters in film now living their best lives, or even the actors themselves, I am envious and wished that I had more of this when I was younger so I could have come out even earlier. But it is okay - I'm still fine...I guess.

In 18 days I turn 30. That's...nuts seriously. You know how when you were 18 you're like, oh yeah, I kind fuck around with life a lil', I'll figure it all out when I'm 30. Nah bro, that...doesn't happen. Sure I have matured a lot, and I have grown so much, but I'm so far from figuring everything out. But maybe that's part of life too. Being okay with the unknown, something that, I'll admit, I'm pretty crap at.

So, dear blog, I guess I owe you an update. Where should I start? Oh boy. So many things have happened, yet oddly...I feel like the year has whizzed by. 

For the most part of 2018 I have felt like a failure. I actually had...two day surgeries earlier this year, one in Copenhagen, the other in London, then I got so regretfully drunk with a few friends that I smashed my hand on glass and had to walk out the club sobbing with blood all over my hands, and had to get stitches. This was a very, very weird night in particular because I was drunkenly trying to instigate a threesome with two guys I met for the first time that night - didn't happen of course...

I also got robbed twice, one in Copenhagen, the other in London, where I got my, argh, 12,000£ watch stolen...and my wallet with my UK and DK residence cards in it. I went to two police stations, cried, yeah. I also have been in and out of GP offices, crying to them yeah, panic attacks and stuff, and have been seeing a therapist recently again. 

Anyhowwwww....it's been, well kinda almost a year since I wrote this post: https://kenn-do.blogspot.com/2017/11/all-my-neurotic-fears-in-one-post.html. I'll give an update to each of these neurotic fears of mine, enumerating them the same way.

  1. I ended up kicking myself off the Danish client project in the end. It wasn't at all the positive experience I thought it would be. I can't explain it but, the work consumed me. I wasn't happy at all. I felt incredibly, incredibly, lonely, living in a different country where I knew nobody and didn't have a support network at all, and the bitter dark cold really killed me.

    Didn't help that my client was bizarrely insane, my internal team mates were all kinda dicks, and my responsibilities were...not at all what I wanted to do, and I did them like a zombie for 9 months and then kind of burned myself out without realising it. I cried so much in bathrooms at work, waited for 5 minutes looking at myself in the mirror before opening the door and putting on a smile again. I'm so happy I got myself off it even though it had to be pretty dramatic but some times hitting rock bottom does help.

  2. I didn't get the promotion I wanted. It crushed me, not gonna lie, especially since I was told that I was 'basically there, but you just got to try and slow things down.' Don't do that with me man, don't try to restrict me from growing - that's demoralizing as hell. I was, and still think I am completely ready for new challenges.

  3. I'm still single. There were a couple of guys that I very very casually dated (mostly because - and not lying here - they were pretty adamant about going out with me) but none that I would be able to call a relationship.

    I wouldn't say that I'm 100% fine with being single now, but man honestly it helps to look in the mirror and still think that I look pretty good. I know looks shouldn't matter, but you know me, I kinda want...everything. But yes, I am a lot more chill about being single. I've enjoyed the independence to a degree. It sucked being totally alone in Denmark, but there was a Danish guy over there, and we got along really well even though I knew it will never last. He was a bit too infatuated, wrongfully because we really didn't have that much in common. But he did give the most amazing blowjobs ha - yknow the sort where you would cum like a few feet up in the air behind your neck or on your eyes or something.

  4. I have, slowly but surely, grown fitter, and I need to stop hating on my body that much. My shirts that I bought 2 years ago, are now all way too tight, though I still wear them because, I like wearing tight shirts now the more and more accepting I am with my body. I am a lot more comfortable being shirtless around people now when honestly when I was younger I never liked it because I didn't want them to see how 'pussy' or scrawny I looked. I took all these shirtless selfies because I knew how to frame myself to look bigger and stuff, but that was just being insecure. So you know when people say 'Be yourself! Be comfortable in your own skin!' Well, sorry to break it to you but it's easiest to be comfortable when your own skin is hot as f yo, hahahah. (not saying that about me, but I've progressed)

  5. This N thing is, well, tricky business. The good news is I didn't plead him to give us another chance. I've kinda not spoken to him at all. The bad news is, I still think about him, pretty damn regularly really, in a wistful sort of way. It's been wow, forever, and I still think about him, but now it doesn't you know, cripple me, or make me sad; it just makes me go 'ah well...' It's hard to describe but I don't think I'll ever really forget about N until I find my next boyfriend, or the next-next one maybe.

  6. Yeah ok, people do want to sleep with me more than they want to date me, and silly K, this is really an OKAY problem to have aha. I've become more career-focused I guess so this doesn't matter that much to me. And my friends definitely do not think I am unattractive I'm glad I have stopped this silly negativity. I have spoken this to friends, and they have become quite supportive in telling me to ignore what other people think about me as long as I know me for who I am.

  7. I've topped this year, for the first time in my life, in an incredibly hot flip-flop with this incredibly, incredibly muscular Chinese-Canadian guy in the shower while my flatmate was asleep ahaha.



    Seriously, he was super hot. I mean look at the above. He had insane arms, insane pecs, and those V lines...plus a great round, muscular, smooth ass, and after he topped me, he was begging me to top him, and I just went with it, and it...felt pretty good actually! I think I still prefer bottoming though I just really like the feeling, but I think I now know what kind of asses I like to top: the really smooth, toned sort. It is incredibly hot to top a muscle guy.

  8. It is probably a gay thing to fear growing old. Especially because I'm turning 30 soon, and I was so afraid last year when I was still 28 that when I turn 30 I'll magically grow bald, grow a beer belly, have a gajillion wrinkles, and be still single then. Hahahah. Well, the truth is, I still have a head full of hair, I'm probably even fitter than I was last year because I've really kept up with the gym routine, and I have literally no wrinkles. I honestly still get told all the time that I look 23, 24. I don't know how I have been able to keep up with my youthful appearances but I'm so glad that ehhh I've still got it. Hah.

    I also hardly use the hookup apps much nowadays. I think, sex like, once a month, or maybe even once every two months, is totally okay with me now. I'm still horny af all the time though, I wank like, 2-3 times a day. Yeah, still the libido of a raging teen!

  9. T is still a dreamboat. But unfortunately straight. I found this out because he talked about his girlfriend spending Christmas with him. Bleargh. He definitely made my heart flutter though. I am catching up with him after eons, this weekend for lunch. Maybe I'll casually tell him that I had a crush on him, but we're cool now because I know he's straight. Who knows, he may tell me he's bi and ... ahaha nah, not gonna let my imagination run wild

    [oh but if i ever get to see him naked...holy shit...]

  10. So this year I've definitely dated guys who weren't the traditionally attractive types that I liked, but my friends told me 'oh he's cute! Give him a chance!' and so I went for it aha. And while none worked out, I'm glad I gave all of them a shot, because I was giving myself a shot too. Hopefully next week I'll be able to meet this guy who matched with me on Tinder - I couldn't believe it at first because I feel like he's totally out of my league (he is the traditionally good-looking sort though), but I think if we do actually meet up, I'll approach it more as a friends kinda thing. Take it easy, k-dawg.

  11. The major silver lining to my crappy year with Denmark is: I started looking elsewhere for another employer who would believe more in my potential. And I found it, serendipitously when a headhunter knocked on my proverbial LinkedIn door. I'm going to be starting soon, and I cannot even begin to say, how happy I was that it has turned the whole year round for me. I have really felt so far behind my peers staying in my old job. This new one is really something that I want to do, and I am so excited by it and so passionate about it - healthtech. It also is paying way, way, way better than my current gig, which even with the promotion, is basically half of what I'll be getting paid in the future. I don't really care about the money, but I am so glad somebody out there believes in my potential. It just makes me feel like I'm not crazy, y'know? I have always secretly felt I am gonna be doing big things in the future, big things that will help people.

    The weird news is, I am joining the same company that N is at...It's a huge, huge company, so I highly doubt we would ever cross paths (not in the same office too), but still. It's really kind of a mindfuck I have to say, that the universe is circling me back to something that is profoundly very 'N' - as I know from friends that he loves his job and like, posts pictures on his IG story every day or something.

  12. Huzzah! I am not bald! In fact I like how I am styling my hair more these days than before.

  13. I think I have overcome the need for social media validation. I deactivated all social media - FB, IG, the works. It has been incredibly, incredibly liberating. I thought that my life would come to a boring grinding halt with zero social activity, but I've actually been able to do even more than before. Friends will just screenshot stuff and send them my way, and we'll go check out and explore and go spelunking. I don't even miss IG at all. I have deactivated it for almost 9-10 months now. It also is kinda awesome how nobody knows what I'm up to, but hands down I think I am leading a far more interesting life than most of my 'online friends' and it is liberating not to feel this silly need to brag to everyone else but to just...live it.

    I have done something else though social-media-wise. I have compiled one-second videos for every single day, since Jan 1 2018. It is a beautiful, enlightening little project that I highly encourage you to do too. The habit of going like 'hey wait, this is a beautiful moment for today, let's take a short video' works really positively for me, to reinforce that there is always something great almost every day of the year, and that being sad is largely, sort of at least, impermanent.

  14. K, love yourself. You are a good human being, so full of life, love, laughs, you light up whenever you eat good food, you're smart and you're ambitious and you're thoughtful and you bring energy to whichever rooms you're in. You'll get what you want. You deserve what you want, K. 
Now it's 4 am in London, I really oughta sleep now (working from home thankfully) and if you actually made it all the way to the bottom of this post, I am sending lots of love your way 

- for you are also a human being deserving of love. [not because you had patience in reading this, but y'know, just more in general, heh]

Love, K.

Tuesday, October 16, 2018

So I completely failed at updating my blog...

But a quick update from my previous post - I crashed and burned, and got medically signed off for work-related anxiety and stress for 3 weeks. I've been taking things easy for now, no longer in CPH but back in LDN. Am on the mend.

I really wanna blog more, but I have no clue why I'm so lazy to do so.

Tuesday, September 11, 2018

I will blog an update soon

Man. It has been forever. I am sitting here in my Spartan rented apartment in Copenhagen and feeling a bit insomniac. I haven't been feeling great for a while now, and I think it is time for me to pen down everything again and vocalise a lot of the troubles facing me. In general, I guess life is okay though.

I hope whoever is out there in the world is feeling okay too. :)

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

Happy New Year!



The above is one of my fav songs (I'm very thankful younger me listened to really fantastic tunes and spent time sourcing them all, unlike now when I am too lazy and just stream ambient stuff instead) - I'm listening to it in bed now resting my head on a neck pillow after what feels like a totally odd week of utter bumming around and drinking and merrymaking. I've left my apartment in total ruins - very uncharacteristic of me actually. In fact I have also not even gone to the gym for two weeks now - holy shit. Tomorrow I will begin living responsibly again hah. 

Happy New Year people! Looking back at this year, I've once again learned so much, and also unlearned a few things. I can feel it; all of this will slowly be making me a better person in the future. 

I spent New Years in also a very odd fashion. I first had dinner with my Indonesian relatives, sang while my cousin played on the piano, then headed to meet a couple of friends at a house party, got absolutely drunk, couldn't really remember how I got home (I actually took the Tube rather than an Uber lol drunk and thrifty...), booty called a million people apparently, and ended up having a random guy come over and smoke weed and fool around with. Woke up the next morning and was like yup no he isn't hot at all ahahaha, oh wells! No harm done :)

I don't post much nowadays, mostly because I'm busy, and then lazy. I'm sorry (if anyone has been expecting posts). So my year in review - highlights:

  1. Travel. Over the past two months, I have travelled to Singapour, Shanghai, Krabi, Perth, London, Paris, Bruxelles, Copenhague. In this year I also travelled to Bogotá, Wien, Stockholm, Ohrid (FYROM). I've had a lot of fun (half of these were for work), and thoroughly enjoyed myself. Am indeed very lucky to be able to go to all these places. 
  2. My career. I've absolutely been doing very well at work, and it feels hugely satisfying and fulfilling to be learning and also contributing so much. I've been on incredible projects, I've even presented to senior clients as part of an RFP response (jargon I know, but this basically means I got to do something that usually only someone with 6-8 years of experience would be doing), I've spoken to the senior executive team about my experiences with the social innovation conference, etc. It feels really good finally growing into something, you know? Especially since my previous two jobs in SG and HK dented my self-esteem a lot. 
  3. Breaking up with N. It was a long time coming for sure. Though Facebook keeps sending me down memory fucking lane with happy pictures of our yesteryears, and while I still pine for the gentle love and affection that I gave and received during those early days, at least now I know I am indeed better off without him. It took a while for me to come to terms with that. 
  4. Becoming semi-ripped. Oh man what a confidence booster it has been. Working out has been great for me. I'm definitely going to keep at it next year too, so I will start seeing some real gains. 
  5. Becoming more moderate and chill, hence better relationships with family and friends. I think overall, maybe it's part of growing old bleh, I have mellowed out a lot, and am generally an easier person to be around. My last trip back home was the best one yet - I actually did get closer to my family. 
For 2018, I'm going to try my best to always keep things in perspective, and be more glass half full than half empty for at least >50% of the time. I gotta be more optimistic! As things do have the tendency to work out in the end...I also need need need to commit to sleeping more...I definitely do not sleep enough (6.5 hours on average per night bleh).

I've already got some pretty interesting stuff lined up for the year. For one...I am now working in København every Mondays to Thursdays, for at least the next 6 months. Yes, that means 4 am Monday mornings for me to catch a flight there, and then flying back on Thursdays to Londres. Blehhh. It is also really cold there, but it is refreshing to be in a smaller city, eating really painfully healthy organic food, and enjoying the hygge way of life.

Single life is still kind of mundane. I think I've started enjoying partaking in casual fun from time to time, but I've oddly still not really gone on any dates at all (oh yeah, the dude I talked about before - he's straight, welp). Well who knows? Maybe I'd meet someone this year :) And if I do, maybe this time round it'll work out for the long term; or maybe it wouldn't. C'est la vie.

Monday, November 20, 2017

All my neurotic fears in one post

Some times I can't tell at all, whether I am very mentally fragile, or mentally resilient. I'm going to try and just write out all my fears, as an avenue to let it out rather than keep it in and feeling so suffocated...
  1. I'm really afraid I will be kicked off my upcoming client engagement at work, because I don't have the right to work in that country. It makes me feel very sad, and anxious. The application for a work permit is likely to bothersome for the engagement mgr. This means: I will lose out on what sounds like an extremely exciting and enriching long-term piece of work with a great, smart team, in a cool foreign city, and I will become very depressed because I wanted something and didn't get it.

  2. I am afraid that if I keep thinking that I am above average in competency at work, and end up not getting the validation for this i.e. getting an early promotion in 8 months, my emotional levels will plummet like crazy. I know - I worry about things 8 months in advance.

  3. I am afraid I will be forever alone. I know I am not unique here - but really, the people I find attractive are never really attracted to me. I know it just takes one person, but the probability of that seems so slim, and even if that one person shows up, there is zero certainty it'll last.

  4. I am annoyed with my body. I feel like I have put in a considerable amount of constant dedication in the gym, but progress is still at a snail's pace. My pecs, arms, everything - they're still not big enough. I am afraid I will never be satisfied with my physique.

  5. I am afraid I will take way too long to get over N, and it'll negatively affect my next relationship if I ever even get one. I am afraid of me pleading with him to get back with me, and give us yet another chance when he has blown it multiple times already. I am afraid I will for too long a time see his ghost in the tiny things I do or see in my daily life, like how he is taller than my bed and his feet always stuck out the bottom, or how we pronounced the word tired as 'tye-ruhd' as couple-speak.

  6. I am afraid that men only want to sleep with me...and nothing more. I dislike being objectified because I want people to know that there is so much more than me than my exterior and that I'm not just some typical 'cute' boy with zero brains or personality. Yet I am afraid of talking about this that much with friends because it comes across as such a stupid 'hot people problem'', but yet I am also terrified that my friends all secretly think I am unattractive as fuck and that I am so big-headed to think that I am vaguely attractive.

  7. I am afraid to top someone even though I really want to try...I get this sense that more bottoms are interested in me than tops (from all the hookup apps), and whenever they ask if I can top them, I end up not meeting them, because I am terribly afraid they will find out I am not at all experienced, or that they find that my phallic size is disappointing (someone once actually said it out loud to me 'oh you have a small d like me' - it really hurt). I am terrified of sexual performance anxiety; which is why bottoming is easier in some ways I guess. 

  8. I am afraid of getting old. I still look really really young - but my actual age is 28, and I am terrified that I become one of those men who turns 40 and is still skulking around on hookup apps. I am terrified of not finding someone in the next year really, because I would then be much older than initially expected of having a husband and having kids. I am terrified of only finding love when I am 50...

  9. I am afraid that T, the person I find attractive, is actually straight. Because it is so rare for me to find someone that I actually find attractive from first impression, and that I remain captivated after speaking to him. I met him at an event organised by people from my country. How funny - I never thought I'd be able to date someone from my country, but this guy is handsome, fit, tall, friendly, and is also a management consultant, so we totally get what we do for work. I have felt semi-gay vibes from him (mostly because he is pretty, and he doesn't seem to have a girlfriend after I stalked him on FB, and also because he agreed to meet up 1-on-1 for lunch on a Sunday, though this is also because we both live pretty close by), but I have a hunch that even if he is gay, he is most likely very closeted, and I am afraid that I am getting myself sucked back into the same shithole of dating someone from a very conservative background like N. I have let him know that I am gay, but he hasn't said anything...he is also terrible with replying texts and it's a bit of a N deja-vu here...I should be meeting up with him around Christmastime in London, and maybe I should be a bit more forward and ask him if he's seeing anybody? Or if he's into males or females? I don't know. Maybe I should just tell him I find him attractive? God he has such nice pecs...which leads me to my next point,

  10. I am afraid I will always only go for people who look physically attractive and forgive their emotional/mental shortcomings (i.e. keep dating people that are wrong for me and going through even more heartbreaks that splinter my heart more and more, even though so far it's been only S and N), while hypocritically getting pissed off with people who objectify me. I actually actively want to date someone not attractive, because statistically that person would be less of an asshole? Lol - that's my brain for you...

  11. I am afraid I will amount to nothing professionally. Quite a few of my friends have started up their own companies; others have gone on to do MBAs at Harv@rd, Whart0n, etc. For me? I am just a corporate dude. I hate how competitive I make everything out to be, even though I actually feel fulfilled with my current job, and really really love what I do, but at the back of my head I feel like a failure because I am not creating a new start-up to solve some crazy world problem. I tell myself to chase experiences, don't chase money (especially because I don't need it as my family is well-off), but then I feel so much pressure that I need to out-earn my parents, or out-earn my friends, when so many are earning 3x my pay already.

  12. I am afraid of going bald. Sigh. My hair is something I am extremely vain about. I am terrified of this happening, because I know I look ugly without hair (I had to shave my head for the army, so I know this).

  13. I am afraid of losing external validation, even though I know it is so unhealthy and toxic. E.g. IG...I got really sad that I went from having 1500+ followers to 1400+ over the course of a few days, that I deactivated my account because I hated the pressure of feeling that people were actively unfollowing me. Which once again is so hypocritical of me, because I've attacked N multiple times in the past for having an inflated sense of himself just because he's an insta-celebrity with 40+k followers.

  14. Essentially, I am afraid I am one gigantic shitty hypocrite, and that I will always be so neurotic and harsh on myself for the rest of my life, unable to give myself a break and practice self-acceptance. And that one day, I will truly burn out completely and actually go mentally insane. Or, cumulatively, all my stress and anxieties cause me to get early onset Alzheimer's. 

Shields

I've had an extremely eventful last two months. Many things happened - many positive things in fact. I've been doing insanely well at work, it is almost hard to believe it. I've had a very active social life. I also met a guy from a community event (non-gay) who has made my heart flutter, but I can't actually figure out if he's gay or not...without asking him point-blank which idk, to me, feels weird. I'll talk about that in another post. In fact I'll talk about everything in another post.

I know it's getting old, but I still miss the warm tenderness I felt when I was in a healthy loving relationship with N. I don't know why I can't seem to move on.

I spoke to him just this morning, after he texted me. I found out that he's actually still dating the guy that he got together with a month after we broke up. Wow. I told him I was surprised he moved on from me so fast. He said he don't think he ever will, but things are going well with him and his new boyfriend.

I feel a bit devoid of emotions right now. I told him we will meet up back in London and he needs to grant me the honesty that he took away from me, as I still have no idea what happened between us, with him. He said he will explain to me.

I will cut him off after that...also after January when he promised he will pay back the 5000£ I lent to him.

It actually helped to talk to him tbh. It brought him down to earth for me - I honestly romanticize him so so much. He is not at all as fantastic as I imagine him to be. But it is oddly hard to let go of that fantasy still.

This sounds terrible, but I really want to have a new boyfriend, to help me move on completely. I want someone to love me intimately, so I can fully love myself again. It is wholly selfish, but I am very confident that I will turn the initial selfishness into selflessness after.

I just need to be able to have someone restore the faith in love, and relationships for me again.

Hard part is meeting someone I find compatible...it is honestly so so hard? I am turning 29. I feel really old. I wanted babies when I turn 32...that's not gonna be possible now...

Anyway, can people relate to the video below? I am so sure I have general anxiety disorder. I feel this way a lot - but I am a highly functioning anxious neurotic I think; I hide all my issues so so well. My exterior and interior are completely different, it feels quite alienating...