Sunday, December 15, 2013

"Look how far you've come"

I just feel so incredibly blessed with life. I just had a couple friends over and we drank two bottles of wine, and I only had 2 glasses but I'm already pretty tipsy! What a lightweight I've become after not drinking for what...three weeks? Haha. Today my friends came over to the mall that I live above (yes, so incredibly blessed) and we had sushi, then wine at home. Yesterday N's friends visited too, and we had Mexican also in the same mall, and then wine on the 62nd floor. Both nights were incredibly chill and fun.

My brother's ending his investment banking internship early, only after a month into it. Hah! Turns out he really detests how mindless and unfulfilling it is, plus the long hours really got to him because he wants to spend more time with his girlfriend. Great that he is also slowly finding his own voice. Happy for him, although I'm going to really miss having him around in the house - the three of us have actually had a really chill nice time living together so far.

When I say three of us, I meant N, my brother and I. My dad is hardly ever around because he basically lives on a plane. And my brother is also supes chill about me sharing a bed with N haha. In fact...he accidentally saw pictures of N and I kissing on N's phone today!!! Yikesss.

Turns out my birthday surprise was scuba diving. Man. It was actually incredibly fun. It was also so relaxing getting away from the hustle and bustle of Hong Kong. Yes! We could actually scuba dive in HK! And turns out there are actually loads of stuff to see so that was great. We kayaked after too. Super chill and relaxing day with my booboo.

Today, N held me by the hands and told me, "Look how far you've come. Since the start of the year. Since first getting to know me, not being sure if you want to be with me, everything. Look how far you've come."

I smiled so wide, and hugged him so tight.

Oddly, S has been trying to reconnect with me. Apparently my good friend R told me that every time S talks to him, he will ask about me. I guess S is really bummed out he never gave me a full chance in the end. Totally his loss. Looking back now, I am so glad I didn't go anywhere with him - he is totally not my type.

Also, N has been working out hardcore (since honestly he isn't working nor going to school and so has loads of free time) and has been bulking up and looking real mad sexy these days phwwwoaaaarrrr seriously I am one lucky helluva guy.

And yes, FoC, Christmas is a pretty big deal here. I have loads of photos of N and I with various Christmas backdrops that I am contemplating uploading here - should I?

Friday, December 6, 2013

So it's been about a month that I started my new gig, and so far I'm actually quite surprised at how it isn't as easy as I thought it would be. I had the impression I could come in to work at about 9.30 am, and leave on the dot at 6 pm, but my boss is such a punctuality nazi and so I have to get in at 9, and most days I leave at 7.30-8. Definitely did not see this coming. I’ve also had to go for many meetings, and take mad notes, and do some beautiful write-up of these dudes on top of the most perfunctory administrative shit I have to do. There have been days that I’ve been so exhausted, because it’s really tough to get organized, and thus I’ve been lazy on my whole gym routine shit.

Still though, it’s miles better than my previous stint. I feel a lot more comfortable here, able to be myself, contributing more to the team, feeling more appreciated, etc. I also live really close to where I work which, woah, is actually amazing. My brother’s doing an investment banking internship here, and he’s already about to keel over in his second week (he hasn’t been back earlier than 10 pm other than the first day), but it’s good because I’ve had chances to get closer to him. My mom also came to visit, and it was so, so, fun to have her here and we just spent the weekend hanging out, and she said she never knew how much she missed me until she was with me again. She also really treats N as her son.

It was also my birthday a couple weeks ago, and I got, once again, needlessly drunk out of my mind that I blacked out for 2 hours again, but this time N was with me the entire time to witness how I behave during these episodes. He said I started crying, scratching him, running away, jumping in front of cars to try and get hit. He also said I started shouting a lot at him telling him to fuck off because I know he doesn't love me, and that no one loves me. He called my dad at 3 am, who called the chauffeur to come down and pick me up, since apparently I ran so far away from the clubbing district that N didn’t know how to get back (plus, no cabs wanted to take me).

It’s very disturbing why I behave that way. He sat me down the next day and asked me if I felt unhappy. I told him no I don't, but maybe somehow subconsciously I do. I’ve made a pact with him since though, to not drink more than 1 glass in any occasion, and so far, I’ve drank nothing.

That was well, a pretty sobering event, ironically. I’ve somehow calmed even more of my tits down, and basically spending time with N at home suffices. I know there still comes certain spikes of urges within me that really craves going out to a club or a bar and getting champagne and shit with a kickass rooftop view, but definitely not as much as before.

On to other random things. My company is trying to pitch to my dad as a potential client. That is just heaps amounts of awkward because one of the consultants wanted me to take charge of the initial research since I knew everyone in the firm. Uhm, no.

Tomorrow is also the day N scheduled for my “surprise,” which well, surprisingly, got pushed back two weeks from my actual birthday weekend. We have to leave the house at 7.30 am, but other than that, no information.

Also, this is so embarrassing, but I’m addicted to a mobile game called Puzzles & Dragons and it’s just fucking horrible because it’s basically Bejeweled crossed with Pokemon and Sailor Moon (N calls it a princess bejeweled game because they’re so many anime princesses), but it’s so fucking ridiculously addictive ugh.

Also, yesterday was the longest time I’ve ever gone without having sex since being with N lmaoooo, and that’s…a week. Damn son. 

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Why is my reflection someone I don't know?

Hey guys, how is everyone? It’s been a while (at least relatively, compared to how frequently I used to update). It’s a little over three weeks that I’ve been in Hong Kong so far, and things have been interesting. I found myself completely in the comfort zone with N, and becoming increasingly more irritable and snappy towards him. Every single one of our arguments so far have stemmed from me snapping at him because things didn’t go the way I expected them to. However, we have been working well so far because he is incredibly patient with me, and I do not bear grudges at all.

I have also been doing this with my family. I speak to my dad in a very dismissive tone some times, completely impatient by his “stupid” questions that I think I have no time for. I also had a huge argument with my sister before leaving for HK, yelling at her, “you will never be successful in life.” I’ve told N that he’s “a complete Debbie Downer” and in a moment of spite I redownloaded jack’d and told him I wanted to go on a break with him after he and I met up with his ex-boyfriend in a meetup that I completely wanted to fucking kill someone. He ended up crying.

Then yesterday I lost my key and access card after going to the clubhouse at my place to use the sauna. This was immediately after an argument with N where I got pissed at him because he said he couldn’t understand my accent where according to him, “unlike British people, Americans don’t pronounce their t’s and just mumble a lot!” I told him he is a dumbass and started speaking twice as loud as I usually talk and he got mad at me.

I called my dad after that to tell him I lost them again, and he got pissed at me. He said “when are you going to be more responsible and careful?” and it really affected me. I got really quiet after that. N came back up (he left to meet his friends) to help me find them in the gym/locker room, and I started realizing that the people closest to me are really there for me through thick and thin. I started feeling really horrible at how much of a brat I’ve been, and had a long honest conversation with N about myself and about him.

The next morning I apologized to my dad for being rude to him, and he told me about how he wanted to arrange a family dinner late Nov when my sister and brother comes up to HK, but my sister said she wouldn’t go if I were there. He also told me that my brother is kinda worried about living with me (he’s doing an investment banking internship in HK for two months). My heart sank. What has been happening to me?

It was a wake-up call again. Now that everything else in my life is settled, why am I still so spiteful and full of hatred at times? It’s like once people get nestled into my comfort zone, I treat them even worse than before.

I texted my sister and told her that I deeply regret how I left things off before coming here, and told her that I hope I’ll get to see her when she comes up here. I also texted my brother and said that if he feels awkward about N and I, he can talk to me (honestly though, my mom told me that she is fine with N and I because we aren’t coupley in front of her). I once again apologized to N and told him that I’m going to be a lot more patient with him, and stop arguing over the little things in life.

So, I think things are going to be even better now. I need to learn tolerance, patience, and understanding. It’s funny because I’ve always thought that I’m a chill dude, but I realize that I’m very intense with the people around me because I expect them to totally ‘get’ me, which is very self-absorbed I know. N knew that I was feeling down and self-victimizing, and he cuddled me and told me that I’m still an amazing person at the end of the day. N is truly amazing towards me. He is planning a birthday surprise for me, and this is the first time ever that I’m getting a surprise.

I need to slow down and smell the roses. In a way I honestly think it’s a combination of being in a fast-paced city like Hong Kong and also not smoking weed for a verrry long time that has also contributed to my lack of patience. I’m so thankful the people around me are still with me even though I’m a dickhead many times. This year really is the proverbial “it was the best of times, it was the worst of times” thing for me. 

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Cheers to the fricken weekend

So there's a glitch, I have about 4-5 times more number of views on my latest entries than the average of my other entries...that's weird, because it's a bunch of text and nothing else. Oh well.

So, hey there. Job has started. Been pretty weird over the last couple days cos my boss left for SGP after 4 hours of zipping around town with me in tow, and would be back only tomorrow. So I've been bumming around in the office since I'm not particularly in my "oh yes, I'm a highly motivated self-starter with boundless initiative" mode that I was during my interview. Doh. In fact I left at 5:30 today, since no one was in the office.

Over in the office we have merely two consultants - one is a bald ex-finance old-school guy who intimidates me, and the other is a married lesbian who's an Army veteran. The chick is awesome, super chill and funny, so I'm really excited to be working with her. We also share the office with a hedge fund, and most of them are Americans too, and on my first day there I was asked a whole bunch of sports-related questions about the Packers, Red Sox, Bears, whatever the fuck, I just stood there blinking my eyes wanting to tell them "sorry but if everyone played naked, I would watch them." Dudes just love talking about sports. Seriously. I rather talk about my new Bottega Veneta wallet.


Fuck me. I smell the leather like, every 2 seconds. It's "my precious." Now that I'm finally earning money again, I was like, why not? After all, I do very much like nice things.

Also, one of the dudes in the hedge fund is this incredibly hunky Asian guy who has really nice biceps, chest, and butt. Face - meh, ain't that great, but I am not going to lie I have checked him out a couple of times. I definitely ain't gonna be cheating on N, but at least I have some eye candy at work. 

I've also downloaded a calorie counting app called myfitnesspal in my bid to start shedding some flab. It's fucking ridiculous now that I know that I can only eat 1,600 calories per day to reach my goal?? Wtf that's like starving myself. I do however really like this app because there's loads of Asian food saved in it so it's much easier for me to track hahaha (I used another one before and it was so Western it sucked - they didn't even have chinese egg tarts! Heresy!) And ok, I've also decided to take public transport to and back from work instead of getting driven so I get some exercise too... plus I realize I do like power-walking before going into the office, I feel oddly refreshed. I have also been getting back into my gym routine, so I'm feeling positive about this now. I'm irrationally obsessed about my body image; N tells me he thinks I don't need to lose weight at all. Might be true, but oh well. All I know is my confidence level has been dropping, and I know I'll feel a lot more confident when I can start breathing properly in my pants again lol.

Also, I think I might be tricking my mind into thinking I have celiac. I get incredibly bloated and belchy when I eat any noodles/pasta/bread. Asian rice apparently contains no gluten though. Gonna try to cut down on all that gluten shit. Can't believe I'm buying into the trend of gluten-free diets - I am anti-trendy!


No point to my entry. But this is kinda cool.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

I know I said farewell, but...

I'm just terribly excited for things to come. The past couple of days I've been having a crash course in the SGP office before heading over to the HKG office, and it's been a blast. Everyone's super chill, super funny, we all use iMacs, etc., and I grabbed a beer with my big boss and he basically tells me that he thinks I'm really bright and that he can groom me up, and that's freakin' awesome because all I really want is a mentor. Might be a bit premature, but I'm crossing my fingers that I do end up becoming the company's pet.

He was checking a lady out by the bar, when he asks me,

"Hey, so I heard you've a girlfriend up in HKG. What's her name?"

I shifted in my seat for a bit and gave a sheepish smile. The reason he thought so was because my manager over in HKG asked me if I had a girlfriend over in HKG, and I said I have "someone."

"Oh sorry if it's too personal we don't have to talk about it."
"Nah, it's cool, it's just more that it isn't really a girlfriend, because he's still with me in SGP, but gonna be flying with me to HKG tomorrow."
"Oh wow, oh ok, I'm sorry I didn't mean to put you on the spot right there."

I tell him a bit more about N, then he says he thinks it's great, it's the 21st century, everyone should be free to love whoever they want, and then he asks me if I've told my manager over in HKG yet.

"No? Well, you should! She's gay! And she's been married to her wife for a few years now. She's gonna love you so much more for telling her. You really should."

My eyes lit up. Although I kind of guessed from her short haircut, her completely relaxed chill almost "bro"-esque vibe with me during my interview, it was great to have a confirmation. She's my first lesbian acquaintance, and she's my boss!

I'm excited. She seems to really really like me too, and I really think everything's going to turn out great with this new gig. So far from what I can tell, the job is actually pretty exciting (I get to snoop around and see everyone's compensations and all the gossips in these circles etc.), and the hours are definitely not that long (probably till 8 pm) and surprisingly, I'm actually paid more than my previous job (probably because this firm is full of Americans who would be deigned to be paid like every other underpaid Asian gulag). More importantly, I like everyone, and this completely fits my personality of being a small cosy niche company with outgoing lively coworkers and a very client-based job role in a city where I can wear my suit and tie and look and feel dapper as fuck. Also, I got this job completely without my dad's help! Wahoo!

N packed all my stuff for me for our flight. He's so adorable. He kept saying "oh shit I'm in crisis mode" because he needs all of his stuff (and my stuff) to be in some strange esoteric order and so he repacked everything three times, and I didn't need to lift a finger. To reward him, I jerked him off while we watched X Factor hahaha. Well, he did that to me last night too, so a man has to always return the favor ya know.

Another thing that I'm really pumped about HKG - I have a gym/pool/sauna right in my apartment building. It's gonna be helluva lot easier to drag my ass to the gym now. (After I stopped working, the gym that I would go to, which used to be in my office building, is now 20 minutes by car away from my house...thus I virtually never went.) N snacks way too much and it tempts me like a naked cowboy stripper and I've put on 4.5 lbs of fat... fuck me. I am now actually heavier than him when he's 6 inches taller than me... h o l y s h i t. I am actually horribly out of shape now; I definitely do not look like my profile picture; 32" suit pants are ridiculously tight. It is very unnerving and so I am thinking of ways to force myself to be disciplined and gym every alternate day and swim on the other days. Going to start a low-carb diet, no more chips, no more rice, just eggs eggs eggs. I have to get down to being able to fit in my suit pants again because honestly, 32" is the benchmark of fatness for me, I cannot tolerate being a 33". Sorry #gayboyproblems.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Make You Feel My Love


When the rain is blowing in your face,
And the whole world is on your case,
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear,
And there is no one there to dry your tears,
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love.

I know you haven't made your mind up yet,
But I would never do you wrong.
I've known it from the moment that we met,
No doubt in my mind where you belong.

I'd go hungry; I'd go black and blue,
I'd go crawling down the avenue.
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love.

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret.
The winds of change are blowing wild and free,
You ain't seen nothing like me yet.

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true.
Nothing that I wouldn't do.
Go to the ends of the Earth for you,
To make you feel my love
To make you feel my love

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

New beginnings

YEAAHHH BABY!!! I got the job with the headhunting (professionally known as "executive search") firm in HK! Gonna be moving there next Friday with N. So pumped, so excited, so thankful. I basically met all the dudes in the firm, it's crazy because this was my only interview series ever where I felt very composed and confident, but also easily the longest one ever (I probably spent a total of 9 hours interviewing with each and every single one of them). 

Things with N are going great. His mom has become very very accepting of him now, and he has unrestricted her access to his Facebook page, so now she sees all of our pictures together haha. My wall is honestly filled with him checking in to various places with me, so I'm pretty sure anyone who looks at our walls would know what's going on. Don't really care though; I have reached complete acceptance of my gay identity and it's great. 

I'm very tempted to post up some pictures of us together, but I don't think he would like it. He saw me checking blogger out and he asked me about it, and I couldn't lie so I told him that I have this anonymous blog where I wrote all my innermost feelings and thoughts since the day I decided to come out to my first person, all the way till now. And that I write quite a bit about him. He really wanted to read what I wrote about him, but I told him I can't; it's way creepy (on my end), and uncomfortable for me. 

We've done so much together though. Unlike other couples, we have spent the last 8 weeks basically living together. 24/7. So things naturally have progressed really fast. Oddly, he completely is able to tolerate my short temper and snappiness. I have also managed to quite enjoy his neediness, where he says creepy but adorable things like "Oof! I just want to squeeze you so hard till your juices come out!" And I shoot him a 'wtf' look. Lol. He also cannoootttt stop touching my bum. It's weird. 

So the plan for us now is, I'll work in Hong Kong. He'll apply to a couple universities over there, and hopefully at least one accepts him as a transfer kid, and he'll go to school and work part-time. In a couple years' time, we'll go to the states for master's/MBA. Then, eh, idk, maybe we might get married there hahahaha, and either move back to Asia, or stay there for a couple more years. 

In the meantime, I'm enjoying unemployment life, being fat (have not gone to the gym at all since forever), being pasty (I'm taking Isotretinoin and so can't get much sun), and being with my boyfriend. Seems like 2013 would end with the best ending I've ever had so far.

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Woah

Woah what is feedspot and why do I have followers on it. Didn't know there was like a google reader replacement thing. Anyway pretty cool to receive an email from them about getting a free years worth of no ads...for a website that I haven't actually heard of but I guess I'll check it out some time.

What's up everyone? I guess it wasn't completely farewell farewell hah cos I do like blogging. There is definitely less motivation to share stuff anonymously online now though as I talk to N about pretty much everything. I'm typing this now on my phone while he's asleep beside me. It's seriously just mind blowing how tight and close we are given that we only met on July 11 and spent 7 weeks apart and now he's moving countries for me.

And all this is gonna sound stupid crazy but guys, N really might be "the one" for me. Like seriously we are perfect together. He is incredibly patient and level headed and that compliments my hotheaded and impatient self pretty well cos he calms me down (I frequently get road rage cos traffic in the city fucking sucks donkey cock). I am also a lot more fiscally responsible while N kinds of just spends without caution and I constantly rein him in pointing out cheaper alternatives haha since dude, he doesn't have access to unlimited money like before. Also, we seriously become fucking babies together, calling each other "boo-boo" or cutie McCutie HAH and he calls me tushie too haha...man. And the sex is pretty good, we have tried quite a few positions and I'm definitely getting better at this hah. I still however find no carnal pleasure whatsoever in bottoming and frequently can't even get hard... So I have to finish off after he finishes off, or some times I just don't. But yeah he really might be the one. My friends love him too and tell me that they're happy for me, and my family likes him too, and dude nothing has ever gone so well in my life before. Not that I've a shitty life but you know how things always have ups and downs or pros and cons? There are almost no cons in our relationship. Woah again.

Also I might have a job in HK soon. It's with a tiny tiny (12 people) young (founded in 2011) executive search (headhunting) firm founded by a couple of Americans/Europeans living in Asia. Dude. Startup environment plus "international" colleagues plus cool job scope (I get to write the candidate profile write ups and presentations for client companies) equals awesome opportunity. Don't know if I'll really get it yet still gotta talk to the whole SGP team on Monday (they're showing me around the office and to get to know them a bit better) so not gonna jinx it yet. But I'm very excited about this, seems super clutch. Besides, I found this job completely by myself (I trawled the internet and found it on LinkedIn hahah) without any connections from my dad so holy holy shit this could be my first job that I didn't need to use his help for. Go me!!!

N might have a job too with the W since we kinda bumped into his W HK DJ friend at a gay bar in SGP who told him to come down for an interview when he's in HK for any openings. Not sure where this would really go as the dude seems pretty uninterested after realizing that N wasn't lying when he told him that he has a boyfriend. Lol. In fact at the gay bar quite a few people hit on N, or both of us in fact (some old dude came to us and said he really enjoys watching us make out) and N turned everyone down and didn't even really check them out at all (granted they were all unattractive to begin with) so that's a good sign haha. And none of us have Grindr or jackd anymore! Woop woop.

Oooh he's awake now, covering his mouth and saying "morning baby" cos he thinks his breath smells. Such an adorable guy haha. Catch ya all later.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Homophobia

N came out to his mom via a long heartfelt email (they're across the globe now), and she took it badly. She cried and blamed herself for being a bad parent, and sent him many articles to articulate that homosexuality is a psychological problem that needs fixing.

http://whybegay.blogspot.co.uk/2006/12/psychological-problem-of-homosexuality.html?m=1

This is one of the articles that she linked to him. She did apologize for being part of the 'backwards' older generation, but she said it is simply forbidden in her books. She thinks it is the broken family that has caused this, because "everything exists for a reason." She is also devastated because she has a lot of heirloom jewelry she envisioned passing on to N's wife, including a 60 carat diamond necklace, and even after N told her he wants to have a baby girl and the girl can have that, she said she can't love the grandchild the same. Probably is just the initial shock period, but she really should stop reading so many homophobic articles.

It's really strange that she still says she loves me, she thinks I'm beautiful and really sweet, but that I also need fixing like N. And it is also really embarrassing she called N out about the clump of tissues he forgot to clear out from his trash can after leaving London, and so she now knows that we were having sex in the house...and has jumped to the conclusion that we surely must have gotten some STDs or HIV now and thus need to get tested immediately.

Oh well...at least my mom loves me and she really likes N too. In fact, she bought some durians for him to try, of which he said smelled and tasted like "raw baby chicken marinated in onions." Hahahaha.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Farewell

Alright. I guess it's become pretty obvious that this blog is no longer as useful as it was for me. I might drop by once in a while to update on things between N and I, but I don't even think anybody reads this anymore anyway.

Basically, I'm home now with N, and my family's been great about it. Both my brother and sister have partners too, so we all had such a nice warm large family dinner last night with my sis and her bf cooking up some great pasta and chicken.

It's almost surreal what I have with N, and I am most positive this is going to last for a long time. It's been mad real guys. Farewell.


And baby
It's amazing I'm in this maze with you
I just can't crack your code
One day you're screaming you love me loud
The next day you're so cold
One day you're here, one day you're there, one day you care
You're so unfair sipping from your cup
Till it runneth over, Holy Grail

Sunday, September 29, 2013

Big things

Big things are happening and I'm nervous and can't really fall asleep. Tomorrow I fly home with N. The last three weeks in London have been incredible although we have had arguments a couple times but nothing too serious. Now he's going to be in a new country and staying with my family and although I know everything's gonna be good I'm still nervous that things might go wrong. We will be in SGP for a while maybe three weeks and then heading over to HK. I still have hardly applied to any jobs because I am a fucking lazy shithead, and I hope N gets a job too so we can actually live happily together in HK. Everything is kinda crazy now in my head. Hope everything turns out fine.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

No interest to put a title


Dude in this video is hot. Song is catchy too.

Anyone can recommend any new blogs to read? It seems like the usual I follow aren't blogging anymore. Guess everyone's busy.

I've also been thinking about my own blog. I tend to blog only when I'm down or alone with my own thoughts, hence there's only a rather skewed perspective of who I am as a person on here. And I've realized on Facebook I only post wantonly exciting/happy pictures/statuses, and that's also another skewed perspective of me. I spoke to yet another high school friend on Facebook who gave me the impression he is rather intimidated by how much I've changed. Look forward my friends. This is the kind of sickening mentality that leaves my metropolis of a country so insanely culturally regressive.

There isn't much to really say, but I do keep coming back here and wondering what I should write. I've been meeting more of N's friends, and they're all incredibly awesome. N gave me the impression that absolutely none of his friends had a clue about him being gay (since he has dated plenty of girls in the past), and thus he was nervous but also excited to be introducing me to his friends. Turns out, all of them have guessed a longgg time ago, but never really cared to confirm it because dude wow, London is actually pretty progressive. And I've been observing N, he definitely isn't the manliest man out there, and so it got me thinking about my own situation where many of my friends told me they had suspected it in the past too. So I think I've come to realize that closeted gay guys aren't exactly as "closeted" as we think we are, that our close friends will always somehow sort of figure it out. I feel like while N and I aren't immediately obvious, if you hang out with us long enough (individually), you'll definitely think that we might be gay.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that for closet cases out there, honestly it isn't going to be completely devastating to come out to friends, because those that have stuck around with you, probably already have had a clue, and are still your friends because they don't care about that. Which is comforting.

I feel very bad though, because N pushed his flight forward by a month because I was being shifty back when we were still long-distancing this shit saying that the distance might make me...well, distant. Now I get this feeling that his mom isn't prepared at all for her son to be leaving so soon (she confided in me, while I helped her in the garden for 2 hours - excellent bonding time btw - that she is preoccupying herself so she doesn't have to think of Sept 29th when N leaves), and so are his friends, who are just trickling back into London for the first week of school. He has barely 3 days left here, and today is his last day of work, which really was a mistake too, as he hasn't started packing at all, or saying goodbye to many of his friends.

I know I shouldn't blame myself but I really do feel guilty that he might not be able to properly say goodbye to everyone in London. Like I'm stealing him away from everyone. However, it was his own resolute decision to leave everything behind in London for a while to "find himself," so I really shouldn't feel so shitty.

His friends have all said that we are incredibly cute as a couple. Awwww. Haha. It's a very nice feeling. More than ten of us were cramped up in the roof terrace of a friend's apartment, drinking wine and talking about life (and bitching about the crazy delusional bitch who is in love with N), then after that the Blondies all left (it was funny because the party was split up: the blondes included the Frenchies and the Italians, all of whose accents were really thick I couldn't really understand what they were saying, and the other half were the, voila, Asians: Saudi Arabian, Indian, Saudi-born Chinese, etc.) and I bought some weed and we all smoked up. The girls kept prodding me about how N and I met, and N was visibly uncomfortable, but I told them "we found love in a hopeless place" hahaha, and showed them our first conversations on Jack'd. Everyone kept going "awww this is soooo cute" hahahah, honestly it was pretty cute. Both of us were shy but clearly interested.

I'm really happy with N. It's incredible. A friend was telling me that finding love is much harder than finding a job, and thus I should count myself really lucky. He is so right. I am an incredibly lucky person. I've never felt more comfortable with anyone else in my life. N told me that he feels that if we stay together after a year, he has a really strong feeling that we would be together for a very long time, or maybe even forever. When things of such gravity are said, usually it's a very clear marker as to how one truly feels about the other person. I didn't freak out at all, or start thinking 'oh wait but I am a quintessential commitment-phobe like every other boring dickhead in the world', but I actually smiled and told him that I honestly feel the same way too. Crazy, right?

It has become a routine of ours to have our meal, watch a bit of X-Factor, and then go back to his room and just cuddle and look at stupid shit on our phones together. I'm also definitely getting a lot more experienced with having sex, and no more embarrassing poop whatevers anymore. Although sex is now different for us; it used to be a lot more of him pleasuring me (blowjobs or handjobs) than the other way round, but now it's almost purely me bottoming and trying to make him happy more than anything else. In fact I usually just kinda remain soft. There however has definitely been certain times where I've had a fucking crazy orgasm because he's right up at my prostate and he's jerking me off and it's an incredibly wild feeling. It's not the same kind of orgasm as a good blow/handjob though for some reason. This one is more intense, but also it ends very very quickly.

Oh and uhmm...we have been doing it bare all this time. In fact, some times even dry because N precums so much anyway. I'm not worried at all though, none of us are sleeping around.

I've definitely gotten over my aversion of being "less masculine" by bottoming, because hey, I do it to pleasure the dude, and I see it akin to a straight dude performing oral sex on a girl (I don't think many straight guys actually enjoy that), and also, most of N's friends say that N's the girl in the relationship hahaha. But in all seriousness though, I've become a lot more comfortable with who I am as a gay man. Which is ace.

I've also patched everything up with Dutchie (N and I agreed that our first loves are really unattractive...haha. Honestly not exactly sure why I thought Dutchie was the cutest person on earth), and I feel nothing at all for him anymore, and even all the songs that used to make me cry because it reminded me of him don't affect me too.

So things are really great to be honest. Does this mean I should stop blogging? I feel like the minute I am happy, I am boring and of no entertainment to anyone. Hah!

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Monday, September 23, 2013

Despair

Every big MNC that I'm looking at isn't hiring fresh graduates. I find myself hitting dead-ends with my useless degree (economics is honestly completely shit) and invariably turn to only finance/banking-related jobs in the end, but I halt myself in my tracks because I _KNOW_ I absolutely hate number-crunching and the environment associated with it.

I am running out of time - my dad is fucking annoying the fuck out of me by setting me a time limit (find a job within the next month or two), and I am made to believe again that I am supposed to just bite the bullet and do a similar uninspiring job like the one before and return to square one. I am told that I need to be filial and loyal to the family, that I need to start providing for the family (even though my parents have tens of millions set aside for their own retirement), to "grow" the family wealth, that I cannot abandon everyone and be selfish and only think about providing for myself. Time is running out - my dad is retiring soon. Honestly, it is really a lot much more restrictive to have family wealth than to be comfortably middle-class  - there are so many things weighing me down like an albatross.

I have spoken to him about the idea of maybe doing unpaid internships across different industries to learn and see what I wanna do, but he immediately dismissed the idea and said he doesn't understand the concept of "graduate internships."

Sometimes my dad can be a major fucking dickhead. Can't he at least be a bit appreciative that at least his son didn't end up a junkie Macaulay-Caulkin-style? My family is honestly so similar to N's family situation some times it's rather crazy.

It has been impossibly difficult trying to a plot a course with no destination in mind. I am crippled and paralyzed by my fear that I am all talk and no action, that I have no passion in anything, and that I am a waste of space. The only thing I realize that I am passionate about is passionate people. I am so deeply fascinated and inspired by these people. It always brings me to tears when I watch either SYTYCD or X-Factor with N. I literally cry like a baby whenever it's some nondescript cashier/hotel receptionist who sings his/her heart out, and these people burn, burn, burn before my very eyes.

The only two things I can think of that I am passionate about is firstly music, and secondly writing. I really do love music, and I really do love singing. But my heart aches knowing that I would never get support for that from my family, and there is absolutely no future in that for a self-entitled pampered clueless young adult with neither the height, looks, nor raw talent to really carry him far. I know that I do not need to be the "best" in everything I do, and that I might be very happy doing gigs in pubs or shit (if I ever decide to properly learn music), but it pains me also that it took so long for me to realize this, and that I wasted close to 200k on my college education.

Isn't it insane that at the age of 24 I feel that it is already too late for me to turn back?

I don't know how to properly emancipate myself from the paternal pressure that I am facing. I can feel the claws around my heart - heartache really - and I bury my head in my hands.

I finally finished applying to ONE miserable job. It isn't like in the 70's, honestly it is so much more difficult to stand out as a millenial - how can anyone blame our self-entitlement and self-centeredness when basically all jobs now require you to be unique as fuck? I had to crack my head to think of obtuse essay answers to obtuse "tell me about some fucking special something that makes you so fucking special" questions, and then take two ridiculous aptitude tests, numerical and verbal reasoning. I fucked the numerical test up because it was really just too fucking troublesome to use my brain to think about numbers and shit, and so for the MENSA-esque shape-pattern-whateverfuckshit thing I asked N to help me throughout. Needless to say, I am feeling very frustrated right now because I answered less than 25%; N helped with the rest. My mind is just so closed off from all this nonsensical tedious bullshit. That's what my personality is as an ENFP. I hate tedious shit.

I just don't think I have the will to do this, especially being so fucking clueless about what to even do with my goddamn life. I really hate this crippling feeling of helplessness - I just can't seem to even...proceed, which is the fucking problem.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Beautiful

N and I just got back from taking the tube home after meeting a good old friend of mine for dinner and milkshakes, and we were really exhausted so he fell asleep wrapped around my left arm and I was sleeping leaning against the side glass window for support. I woke up blurry-eyed to check which station we were at, and a middle-aged man spoke to me.

"Which station are you getting off at? We're at ____ now."
"Oh, we're getting off at the next one, thanks!"
"You know...you guys are beautiful. This is really beautiful [does a picture frame gesture with his hands]. Really beautiful..."
"Ahh...thank you, very nice of you to say that." By this time I was getting a lil bit shy.
"You know I paint people. Women, men too, and I would gladly paint the both of you, sleeping, him lying in your arms. Now if only I had a proper camera to capture this moment so I could paint you guys."
"Wow painting! That's very cool..." I was sheepish and thus pretty awkward but also smiling a lot. I notice he had an earring, but it was on his left ear.
"Do you want me to take a picture for you guys? Come! Pass me your phone."

Then he fumbles and kept pressing the front camera button instead because iOS 7 is pretty goddamn alien for older people, but manages to take 6-7 photos. He gets off the train after, and tells me once again, "You're very lucky. Both of you are very beautiful."

I kept smiling after that, and kissed N on his head to wake him up.

"Hey baby, it's our stop now. Wake up sleepyhead."

Thursday, September 19, 2013

We could do this all night


WAZZUP GUYS??? So life is pretty strange. N and I have pretty much rolled over to "I love you" territory. It's crazy! But honestly, feels pretty darn right. We have spent about a week and a half being together for almost 24/7, and we have not gotten sick of each other at all. Sure, there was one fight that we had (he's very opinionated like me, and I hated it that he dismissed me once about guess what...finger digit ratios, and I gave him the cold treatment for like, an hour or two.) but other than that we have been perfect. Favorite activity is definitely cuddling, I don't get it, but cuddling feels fucking good, and we have been incredibly unproductive because of that.

Also, we've actually showered together for every single shower so far...and I've actually become pretty good at bottoming now that N told me it was the best sex he's ever had! Woah! He said it was because I was tighhhtt as fuck, which kinda makes sense because I'm incredibly new to bottoming, and I can't help but clench up my butt whenever he goes in. Funny story though, the morning we had the "best sex" was when we smoked up a shit ton the night before, and I think for some reason the morning after my muscles became really relaxed. He also took a longer time to bust. Dude. Awesome. I also love smoking up with my dude and blowing the smoke into his mouth by kissing him. We were pretty stoned, rooftop along Gower Street, just chilling.

I still however, really don't get what the fuck excites bottoms to bottom - I'm doing it purely to please N. It gives me absolutely no pleasure at all, and my digestive system is usually pretty fucked after that (like, I usually need to poop immediately after yikessss). But yeah, it's incredible, our sex life is insane haha. N is major-ass thick btw...he's like 5.3" thick (thick to me at least), and thus it hurts quite a lot to take it up some time. But he loves it, plus...I really cannot top at all hahaha...oh well.

But yeah. We're now one of those pretty annoying couples that would rather stay home and watch a movie together, and when we're out with N's friends, N can't seem to get his hands off me and the PDA does get to his friends some times. I've told him to calm his freakin boner haha. Tomorrow we're gonna meet my friends instead (1 gay couple and 2 fag hags) so I'm pretty excited that at last we're meeting my friends instead, though I'm not close to them at all.

The last couple days he took 4 days off work on the malingering pretense he sprained his ankle, so that's why we were together the entire time. We've decided to tell his mom after he leaves London (to not further complicate his family situation) about him being gay and about us being together, but I think she probably has a clue...

A few problems so far though: because I've been eating like a pig at home (his mom cooks pretty delicious food), and have not been going to the gym at all, it's been bad. I have noticed that the ridges of my abs are really weak now. I've also lost my tan....noooooooo

The next week is going to be really weird, because his dad is coming to stay to try to win the kids back from N's mom (they're divorced, because N's dad cheated multiple times). I've extended my stay till 29th, to fly back to the homeland with N. It's all very complicated, because basically the parents are separately writing their wills now, and there is a lot of money involved. N's dad tried to bribe N with a private jet...so yes, we are talking about a couple hundred of millions of dollars involved in the inheritance. Honestly, if N gets some of that money (highly uncertain since his dad is actually fucking mean to N, plus things might get worse if he finds out that N's gay), he's set for life. Of course, this is pretty mean to even think about because that depends on the passing away of his dad, but N really wants his dad out of his life. Anyhow, I am way too lazy to continue talking about all this.

Friday, September 13, 2013

Tired, not making sense

I'm so pooped. I can't sleep with someone else on the bed, much less on a fricken single-size bed, and I can't toss and turn without N waking up and trying to cuddle which just throws me off my whole sleeping pattern. I'm also horrible with jetlag...Thankfully N and I are actually so honest with each other, I'm gonna be more firm with him and tell him that cuddling can only be a pre-sleeping activity and after that I'm gonna gtfo and sleep on a separate bed. With earplugs, because he breathes really really loud.

I am getting more disenchanted with my job application process. Damn the states! It is almost impossible to get a job there being a non-citizen (years ago it would have been easy being enrolled into a US university). If only the economy there was actually doing well + they actually like diversity then I wouldn't have all these problems of scrambling to find a job outside of the US. All these "management associate" programs which I wanted to use as a two-year excuse to do a broad range of stuff while trying to wait it out till my passion "hits" me are all in the states and do not exist in cutthroat Hong Kong. Seems like if I want to work in Hong Kong, I gotta get into the banking industry as it's the only industry (other than design firms or hospitality sectors) that hires non-citizens. And now looking at my own country, it's been disheartening too realizing that many firms aren't looking for newbies at all, but experienced hires, since supply far outweighs demand now in Asia...

Fml. Should I just get a master's in some farcical bullshit? Might make me more employable. The job market now is terribly different from how it was back then, it is so difficult to make one's self unique in such a world now.

Or I was thinking - should I try out for some sort of journalistic stint instead? Although I majored in economics and finance, I honestly felt like I learned nothing useful from them, other than that economics and finance is a complete bore to me. And I really do enjoy writing, although some times I get the feeling that my style of writing belongs in some shit-ass self-entitled Thought Catalog-esque webzine, which is thoroughly annoying because I really do hate Thought Catalog and all it's ego-masturbating pat-on-the-back self-aggrandizing "25 things I wished I knew before I turned 25" typical horseshit advice that honestly c'mon guys, y'all got the brains to reach those conclusions by yourselves yah???

Sometimes I am really whiny.

----

Woke up this morning, fooled around in bed with N for a bit, and I decided to try and top for once. Problem was N was incredibly tense and I told him to relax his fricken sphincter muscle ("Dude my wang ain't that small you racist shit open up now!!!") but he kept laughing and saying he couldn't, and all that fingering with the yummy strawberry lube was for naught. Also, I really DO get soft when I have to put my wang into a butthole...Why?!?!?! Does this really mean that I have no choice but to always be a bottom??? I thought with someone like N that I am completely comfortable with I would be able to finally top but no...and bottoming still hurts so, so bad even with all the priming in the world, and it really does not help that N is honestly ridiculously thick (I am going to measure him one of these days).

Although honestly, I am perfectly fine if we don't have anal. I think N is fine with that to a certain extent too. It's just that it's frustrating that I can't seem to partake in an activity that seems central to gaydom. Everything else is wicked fun though. N worships my body lol, honestly it's hilarious how he does it, like he sleeps on my ass some times and says it's so comfortable like a pillow, or he licks my ear for like...5 minutes and after a while I'm like dude, wtf are you licking it's all licked up already hahaha I'm such a Debbie Downer. Our sex life, albeit with the actual buttsex, is actually really great because we're both horny all the time hehehe.

Went to the gym this afternoon again, wicked sick gym along Tot Court Road, and everyone there was incredibly muscular. However, I started realizing that I am developing more of a disdain for such people rather than in the past when I used to worship them. I'm beginning to feel that these dudes are way self-absorbed and their bulbous sizes make them seem kinda neanderthal, like a walking uterus of dangling veins and steroids. Very few are lean - many are just, for a lack of a better word, bulbous, and it isn't very sightly to me anymore, especially when compounded with over-pronounced veins and many tattoos along with what-will-soon-be leathery skin, I can't help but feel rather repelled by the whole thing. There are also many obviously gay muscle marys that spend like 15 minutes talking to each other by some machine and no one's exercising but all just yabbering on about whatever and all of them have pornstar bodies and pornstar butts and the whole thing is just very strangely disconcerting to me. Gym culture is so, incredibly weird. It is like a petri dish of self-absorbed sado-masochists served in one gigantic miso broth of...bulbusaura uteri.

Hah! How sassy was my previous paragraph yeah? Yah yah....bitch please.

It is also seriously amusing but also kind of uncomfortable listening to N banter on with his mom. I always assume that they are discussing something very grave and pertinent since the Farsi gets louder and louder, hands start flailing up in the air, and N starts repeating every sentence his mom says back to her in a voice that he thinks is imitating his mom, but honestly is just a high-pitched hamster squeal to me, and then I am let in on the fact that N is teasing his mom for being an old person wearing drabby clothes and she is defending herself by saying that her sweater is from Urban Outfitters and her shirt from Hugo Boss and she has no energy to fight with him because she has terrible IBS at the mo' and is starving herself to flush everything out, but she still shows me pictures of herself dolled up at various parties and asking me if she looks old and haggard in them. And I just sit there laughing my head off because the issue at hand is so terribly asinine ("N says that I am a piece of fat! No bones no muscle no protein, but just a giant piece of fat!") but Farsi just makes everything sound so serious and complicated.

Anyway, it is finally Friday, and N and I are probably going out to a gay club tonight. Or maybe, just like every other night, we'd stay in and just kinda roll around in bed haha. Man. I'm pooped. Gonna take an hour nap now. Peace.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

It's Friday I'm in love

1. I like to enumerate, lest I forget what I wanna talk about.

2. To address FoC's concern about N's mom: I don't particularly appreciate your frequent presumptive notion that "cultural differences" causes people, especially the people in my life, to be "sheltered." Both my family and N's family are worldly enough (basically, wealthy enough to have traveled to and lived in many places) to not be bounded by traditional "cultural" stereotypes. In a similar vein, it is strange that you regularly bring up my parents being "Asian" when actually they are the farthest from being the stereotypical "Asian" parents; most of the time the pressure comes from within myself. 

N tells me he regularly has friends who stay with him, and they sleep in his room too, on an extra bed. So his mom isn't going to be curious about why I'm sleeping in his room. Also, in front of his mom, obviously I'm not acting all affectionate and lovey-dovey towards N; I talk to him like any regular guy talks to his guy friend. I don't even think I'll be affectionate with him with my parents around when they do meet him. So, I don't think it's going to be immediately obvious to his mom about the true nature of our relationship. N plans to come out to his mom some time soon (he is out to most friends, and I would be meeting most of them during these two weeks), but we are both undecided as to whether he should tell her when I'm still around, or when I leave. N thinks his mom would be chill about the whole thing, because she is pretty open-minded and plus she has expressed to him that she really does like me. Still though, I am rather wary for my personal safety haha, but so far she does seem like a really cool nice woman. 

Also, Auntie and Uncle are used as terms of respect for elders in Asian and apparently Persian culture too (I previously asked N how should I address his mom).

3. N and I met up with one of his best guy friends last night for pizza and some wine. N has came out to most of his girl friends but I think this is his first straight guy friend that he's coming out too. The whole thing was pretty funny because the guy asked N, "so what's the big surprise you said you had for me?" And N and I both looked at each other and cracked up and after a few awkward moments, N tells him, well this guy is my boyfriend, and the dude goes, "Aha! I knew it!" Apparently at N's birthday the girls (who knew about me) talked about me quite a bit and he overheard, and he saw that I've been posting quite a lot of stuff on N's Facebook so he wondered about it...hahaha. 

Dude was a total chill ass mofo, great fun and banter really. N kept cracking jokes about all of us being minorities (dude's a black guy, I'm Asian, N's basically Iranian) and we talked about this crazy bitch who's in love with N and thinks that his homosexuality is just a phase and that they will end up together and have babies! Talk about being delusional!!! In fact on his birthday (which was just in August), she came up with this big plan of getting him really drunk and getting him to sleep over and posssssibbly rape him or some shit idk woman is basically whacked, and I told them both that when I see that bitch imma tell her to lay her fat chubby hands off my man. 

4. I am loving this whole gay relationship thingamajig. For starters, it is just terrific that I can use all of N's facial products. Dude takes care of himself (since he used to model), and so it's like being in a department store with free samplers everywhere for me. It's good to not be the vainest person around - loads of straight friends teased me for using acne cream concealer, but N actually owns foundation...and a hair straightener among other things hahaha we are such metrosexuals. 

Secondly, we have the same shirt and shoe size, and it's just awesome to be able to sort of double my closet. I didn't bring gym shoes or jackets over to London because I've just been wearing his stuff. And that's pretty awesome because N's pretty brand-conscious like me (or brand-sluts I guess), although honestly, I have way better fashion sense than he does. Only problem are the pants - he's a whopping 6 inches taller than me so screw that.

Third, we cuss at each other all the time, tickle each other, and oddly check out women quite a lot...and also fart in front of each other. Hahahaha. And we take turns paying for meals. And when either of us is feeling horny, it's easy to initiate, and then things usually become pretty hot and heavy really fast hehehe. 

5. One weird thing that happened though, is that earlier this morning he was sucking me off with some good ol' strawberry lube, and being the cheeky lil buffoon that I am, I asked him to swallow it. After I jizzed and stuff he still kept going at it, and maaaan it felt soo good so I wanted to return the favor. Now strawberry lube actually tastes really amazing btw, and it was tasty kinda going at it for a while. But when he actually blew his load, I totally forgot that he busts buckets, and my mouth soon kinda filled up with the goo, and when I swallowed the whole thing, my eyes almost fell out and I swore I almost vommed everything out. O M G. It was so nasty. D U D E. Nothing could have prepared me for that. Just writing about it is sort of bringing back the putrid taste in my mouth and I'm feeling kinda sick just thinking about it. It also kind of stuck to the back of my throat like some viscous Grimer solution. I immediately squeezed out some strawberry lube into my mouth and just nommed on that shit to get the nasty taste out...ughhhh. I told N that I was not gonna force him to swallow my load ever again. Yikes...

6. Also, I am really not at all cut out for bottoming. It hurts way too much, and honestly, N is just way too thick for my virgin-esque butt. What happened earlier today was also completely new to me. I actually had really bad diarrhea four times during breakfast itself (I excused myself four times, makes me jittery wondering what N's mom thought about my rudeness...). It seemed like bottoming totally screwed up my bowel system, and made my body homeostatically flush everything out. I was in such pain and I whimpered to N and he reassured me that the first few times he tried bottoming he had the runs for about a week. Yikes again...

7. Today is also the first day that we decided that we can say "I love you" to each other and actually mean it. Haha...it's actually only two months since we first met each other, but honestly it doesn't feel rushed at all. Day after day I find myself feeling closer to him, and I'm letting my guard down more and more. It's actually wonderful to wake up and smile at the person beside me, looking so blissful while asleep. And it's really weird because I never expected to like cuddling so much, but it is actually incredibly enjoyable. We do hold hands and kiss in public quite a bit too, which is kinda liberating and nice. He's really passionate about dance so he shows me a lot of videos from So You Think You Can Dance? and I really like music so I'm always choosing the playlist, and we watch videos like Miley's Wreeeeeecking Balllllllllll song and kinda just loop that shit for no reason. Also, we compared Instagram accounts and my god mine is really just so slutty hahaha. Interestingly, I am finding myself less interested in all these models I follow too now that I have N. Cool beans!

tl;dr: I am incredibly happy and blessed to be with N. :) There, smiley face. The end.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Life so far

I can't help smiling. Life is actually really good. Gonna recount what happened over the last few days when I went MIA:

1) A weekend ago: A couple entries ago I mentioned my Staunch Christian Friend from Texas who was visiting relatives in Hong Kong who said that homosexuality is a sin like any other so he doesn't hate on gay people more than...other sinners lol. But I've realized SCF is probably a lot more open-minded than I give him credit for. He flew over for the weekend from Hong Kong and stayed with me for a coupla days, along with Philippines Vacation Chick who was visiting for a couple days before going back to Korea, her homeland. SCF and PVC both are from college.

Basically, the trio of us had so much fun together for the weekend. I fucking love it when people visit my country, I get to play host! We went out to three clubs for PVC's birthday, and it was awesome, everyone had fun, everyone was tipsy (we pre-gamed at my place), no one was a shitshow (neither was I! Huzzah!), and free entry to all three clubs because we're club sluts who always know promoters and shit hahaha.

PVC got us into the first club because she knew the bouncers well where we danced a lil till a bouncer manhandled me and told me to get off the platform cuz it's only for ladies (FYI: Asia is fucking in-your-face sexist when it comes to clubbing. If you're a chick, you're treated like a queen, if you're a dude, unless u're getting bottle service, they basically spit in your face) and I got fucking mad because he was grabbing me by my US$10k watch and I started becoming a fucking douchebag and told him if he breaks my watch he has to write me a check for it, and so in the end we all left because I was literally about to give that fucking blue-collar pauper a piece of my mind for being so unnecessarily aggressive with me when I was unintentionally dancing with the ladies (PVC pulled me up). Fuck that shitass club. Only because it's always free entry that I somehow keep ending up there.

The second club we got in for free too cos I knew the promoter for the night (if not we wouldn't have gone in, cover was US$40 for chicks and US$80 for guys w t f - why do people like going clubbing??) so that was a hoot, and PVC's two friends (they were a couple, guy was named Thund3r - he was cute too!- girl was named M0m0 - she was super pretty too!- , I'm not kidding. It's awesome lol.), and we got into the VIP room and had a free bottle of Belvedere! Wootwoot!!! This drunk chick also came up and made out with me for no reason (eventually I realized she was dared by her friend), twice, and it was really weird because I went with it and I was wondering why I went with it after. Lol. She was bad at kissing. Then she kissed PVC too because it was her birthday. Hahaha.

After that, PVC hooked up with some not very attractive older dude who hooked us up with our third club of the night, so at 3:30 am we all got into our third cab of the night and went over. Free entry again! By this time though I was thoroughly liquored up enough and so didn't drink anymore (friends were good too and deflected all free drinks away from me hahaha), and we just danced cos this club is actually my favorite since they play good electronic remixes of Zedd, Mat Zo, Alesso etc. Then PVC didn't want to sleep with the dude (she's a virgin!!!) so we all bounced, laughed our heads off, I drunk called N while in the cab and both SCF and PVC spoke to him, and we went to get some fucking awesome local drunk food to eat, and then when I woke up I realized the both of them were sleeping on the same bed with me...when there are 4 other empty bedrooms in the house lolwtf. Apparently I got pretty drunk by the end and stripped down to my boxers before sleeping and told SCF to play with my tits like how N does...L M A O awkward...oops

I also brought both of them out to get some awesome 螃蟹米粉 (crab rice-vermicelli) which is fucking amazing btw?? Such a good dinner.

2) PVC had plans to have a mega South East Asia reunion with kids from Hong Kong, Malaysia, Indonesia, etc to join us for a tropical paradise resort holiday in Cebu, Philippines, however everyone fucking bitched out!!! Grarrrl. So in the end it was just me and her. Poop. I was a lil nervous about how it was gonna go, because PVC is notorious for being incredibly self-absorbed, man-crazy, and totally bitchy, and everyone's like, she's the female version of you! You guys would get along so well! Meh. Not true. I really do think I know how to pull the reins in on my self-absorption cos of my supreme intellect and self-awareness but no, PVC is actually self-absorbed.

Turns out we had a pretty good holiday. We took a 3 hour flight, a 20 min cab ride, a 2.5 hour ferry, and finally a 2.5 hour cab ride to our fucking deserted corner of middle-of-nowhere island, and it was awesome. Omg. Untouched by tourists. Our resort only had us and two other sketchy couples (always young slutty Filipino girl with old sketchy white man) and since the couples pretty much shagged all the time (I assumed so), PVC and I had the pool, the beach, and everything else to ourselves. It was like our private resort. Ace.

Here are more pictures:









It was so fucking gorgeous. The entire time I kept thinking how nice it would have been to have gone with N. I got up at 5 am everyday to catch the sun and talk to N. I also was very honest with PVC and gave her a therapy session of sorts, talking about why she projects this image of sluttiness when she's a goddamn virgin and has only touched one penis in her life (I told her, well yknow if you wanna you can touch mine HAHA) and I think it helped her. She's a great girl, really loyal to friends and stuff, but she requires so much validation from men all the time...it's sad. Girls should really be a lot more self-confident. I realize guys are just fucking jerks seriously.

3) I am now tanned, and beautiful (lol), and in London. N left for work this morning, and I ironed his shirt for him. Fuck. Househusband = me. It has been incredible being with him. It just feels so right. I don't know how to describe it. And we get each other too. And also now that he is more than just a hookup (which was what I felt about him the first few days when we were in London), I am noticing more things about him, like how he is actually pretty hairy HAHA but it doesn't mind me that much (I'm probably gonna help him shave his upper back) and also do notice that wow he's...packing. Hahahaha. Not like it matters at all. We get along so well, and really do connect on a deeper level.

We've been doing very weird things together. We had a bottle of Piper-Heidsieck demi-sec (this means that the champagne is pretty darn sweet, much sweeter than extra brut or brut) and watched X Factor together... Like who drinks champagne and watches X Factor reruns at 2 in the morning lol. And I cried multiple times at all the "average" people with "average" jobs with fucking huge lungs and a thirst to chase after their dreams. It's seriously so inspirational. He was lying on my chest the entire time and I kept playing with his hair. It was really kinda cute.

It's been extremely weird staying at his place though, because I'm pretty sure during these two weeks his mom is going to figure out the true nature of our relationship. I've been pretty awkward during meal times so far, because N, his mom, and his sister all speak in Farsi and I sit there dumbly watching the telly and munching on my food, and slipping in a few polite "the food is great Auntie" pleasantries her and there. And it's hilarious because apparently they speak in Farsi about ME, while I'm at the dinner table, how very reminiscent of Asian families hahaha. His mom said that N is a gorilla compared to me, even though he is already not very hairy. She said it is wonderful I have such nice smooth skin wtf...and also asked him if it was me singing earlier in the afternoon, and asked if I was going to sing for them some time. Haha! She said she likes me, because I can sing well, and she likes to have a singer in the house, and that she sat by the stairs to hear me sing! Awww.

Still, I'm kind of uneasy because N and I spend a lot of time in the room (duh) and it's usually quiet (we're not talking), or we shower together, and I'm just paranoid if she somehow finds out she'll go apeshit on me. N seems to not care, and thinks that if she finds out this way, it might be for the best. I'm like, but dude what if ur mom poisons me lol. Or kicks me out. Idk. It's weird.

Anyway, itinerary for today: Blindly look at who the fuck I want to work for...and then gym, shower, pick up N at his workplace, dinner, and drinks after with one of his best guy friends who he told "Hey I have a surprise for you tonight!" to which the guy replied "Can't wait"... the surprise is me, that N's gay and has a boyfriend. Lol...oh boy our predilection for drama.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Quick update

N is showering right now, so I've got a bit of time to do a quick update to kinda say that I am alive and well. Basically, life is fucking great now. I was in an unreal holiday resort in the Philippines from the 4th - 8th with a girl friend from college, and then on the 9th I flew to London to be with N. It has been surreal being with N so far, everything feels so right with him. Although honestly so far, we have done nothing much but jizzed three times, showered twice, and cuddled and slept together a lot. Haha.

These are a couple pictures from the resort. I'll update more tomorrow.



 

Edit: Wow. I am thoroughly confused being in a house where people constantly speak a foreign language. N's mom just asked N in Farsi if I was naturally hairless or I wax. Awkward penguinnnn hahahaha.

Friday, August 30, 2013

Twerk

1) N REALLY really likes me...wow. It really does seem highly unlikely that he would hurt me. And I guess if I listen to the "real" quiet voices in my head, we get along so, so, so well. We talk everyday, and giggle like little girls somehow, and we somehow regress back to baby voices saying stupid things like "argh I really miss you baby I wanna nuzzle your nose" "can't wait to see you baby." I never imagined I would use the word baby so fucking much.

2) N also has something like an eidetic memory and can tell me exact things like we first met on July 11th, and on July 29th he sent me a picture of him eating chips with ketchup and I said I hate ketchup, but he likes it. We have four things we disagree on so far: I love avocado and Indian food, and dislike ketchup and sweet popcorn. N likes ketchup and sweet popcorn, and dislikes avocado and Indian food. He is also stupidly adorable when he Skypes me in bed with his stuffed puppy and humps the pillow in between his legs. He told me he can recount what we did every single day in London and the rough timeline of things we discussed over the last six weeks, and because I always feel like he's bragging, I am going to test him on this tomorrow.

3) N took a screenshot of me when we were Skyping...hahaha, since I'm always in the spirit of oversharing, I'm putting it up here. If I can say so myself, I think I'm all ready to get twerkin' like Miley, except she twerks real bad (I YouTubed videos of actual twerking guides for fun) (btw, I can't remember what the fuck I was doing back then, I don't think I was arching my back like a lil slut but maybe I was, although I was probably trying to reach for my phone)


4) The folks and my sister are in London right now for her graduation ceremony, I would have gone but I was initially supposed to be an employed responsible adult and couldn't take anymore leave, but after quitting the cheapest tickets were only from the 9th onwards. Hence, I'm missing them entirely in London.

5) The job search shindig in HK is kinda weird so far, I'll explain more later but basically the recruiter was completely useless (she told me to stay in my country because it's easier), and I spoke to a family friend and she kinda suggested to me to work at a gay bar for a while...erm.

6) My mom decided to go back to work at the age of 50+ as a real estate agent (she used to do accountancy) and we're all super proud of her for clinching three big-ass deals today and cashing in S$30k which is roughly US$23k! I'm so happy for her because she is passionate about this and is really lively and confident now that she's also making bank.

Argh ok gotta get up in 6 hours' to drive my mom to the airport.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Land of Dreams


This was a video N showed to me. I must say this is extremely good marketing, it really makes me want to do a roadtrip in the states. N was talking to me about how he wants to go back to America some day (he was born in LA and lived near Beverly Hills) and wants to travel with me. Also to Iran, to Australia, etc. He showed me a bunch of photos of places of interest of the Persian Empire and animatedly told me about how he has came up with an itinerary of what we're gonna do in Iran. Whenever we get there. It was about 5 am in London when he called me about this, as he gets up quite a bit at strange times to talk to me. As gay as this sounds, he asked me to sing him a couple Disney lullabies (Prince of Egypt - ok technically not Disney, Hunchback of Notre Dame, The Little Mermaid) and he fell asleep on the phone and I whispered to him good night and gave him a good night kiss over the phone.

Today my dad was talking to me as his plane was taking off for Chicago, and asked me if I ever asked N what did he see in me that attracted him to me. I was taken aback by his question, and asked him to explain further. He said he wanted to see if N has thought this through carefully, because I have many shortcomings, and that as N is very good-looking, a lot of guys will be after him, and he might leave me. I felt the room close in on me, the realization that my dad thinks that I am not good enough for a boy he has not yet met, that I have no redeeming qualities to keep him by my side.

Strangely, N called me soon after I spoke to my dad, and I was once again plagued with a lot of insecurities. I asked him what did he ever see in me, when he can get anyone else so easily, someone much better-looking, taller, more responsible, employed, less black-hearted, less of a fuck-up, etc. I told him he was delusional and blind to want to be with me, and told him I needed to think if our relationship can ever work out when I'm trailing behind him so much in every aspect. He told me to shut up and that I was a fool, but I was already crying and feeling sorry for myself. I told him I'll talk to him another time, and ignored most of his messages for the day.

He told me he honestly had a panic attack when I said all those, and he wrote to me "I swear my heart is literally popping out my mouth just at the thought of perhaps losing you. Specially for such a pathetic and stupid reason. I guess I didn't know how much I actually like you" and he used one of those cutesy Asian sticker emoticons of a dude acting coy or something.

The thing is, I truly feel inadequate, and I am pretty sure objectively I am inadequate. I still struggle so much with self esteem issues. I heard someone once tell me that you can only be in a healthy relationship if you're doing okay by yourself, if not you'd just dump all your personal problems on your partner too. Maybe I'm not ready for a relationship at all. Maybe I should let N go. He probably deserves someone so much better. I'm not really sure what I deserve at all.

Monday, August 26, 2013

The Dragon and the Monkey

I don't care what people are gonna say, but N and I are going to make an absolutely adorable couple. We spoke for 2 hours last night on the phone before I went to bed, and two hours this morning when I got up. He told me how he was talking to a friend who is _convinced_ that he and this guy who he hasn't met yet in real life are gonna be totally compatible for each other, because he is a goat, and the other dude is a pig. While completely unscientific, N's Chinese Zodiac animal is a Monkey, and so both of them did a bit of googling and found out that Monkeys are most compatible with Dragons, but he did not know what my zodiac was at that time.

Turns out I'm a Dragon. When I told N this over the phone, he started laughing really hard. We then spent quite a bit of time poring over zodiac websites:

Extracted from http://www.astrology.com/chinese-love-compatibility-dragon-monkey/2-d-chmt-dragon_monkey and http://www.alwaysastrology.com/monkey-and-dragon.html,
The Dragon and the Monkey make a fiery, fun match! These two signs have a ton in common — both are highly energetic with plenty of optimism, brash courage and get-up-and-go; both love anything exciting — parties, amusement parks, nightclubs … The Monkey, especially, loves to pursue its own pleasures, but together these two will live life in their customary fast-paced style. They are both such fiery personalities that occasional flare-ups of temper are likely; however, neither sign is interested in holding a grudge and both are perfectly happy to hash things out and then move on. 
They both are very social and while they love to go out together, if they must do separate things that is okay too. As long as they end up together at the end of the night they are fine. Monkey may be inclined to play around. While Dragon loves to flirt, Monkey will take it further. Luckily, neither one tends to hold a grudge. 
As lovers, their connection is electric. In the bedroom these two are like baby tigers, tumbling and playing together with claws bared! It’s all in good fun, of course. 
How about our astrological signs? N is a Leo, and Leos are most compatible with Aries and Sagittarius.

What do you know, I'm a Sagittarius. Once again, both of us started cracking up.

Extracted from http://www.astrology.com/love-compatibility-sagittarius-leo/2-d-lvmt-sagittarius_leo,
When Leo and Sagittarius join together in a love match, the result is often fireworks! Both Signs are extremely dynamic and enjoy life to the fullest. Sagittarius’s philosophical tendency warrants a distraction to Leo’s obsession with the larger-than-life. The two will have genuine admiration and respect for one another. Both are warm, charismatic and charming; people enjoy being in the energy this couple radiates. 
Both Signs can be impatient but endearing, and Leo may be annoyed by Sagittarius’s flirting, but there’s never a dull moment in their relationship. Sagittarius sees the world as a textbook they must study from, while Leo acts as the gracious host. Both are extremely social, but it is vitally important to Leo that they feel that they are in control of the conversation. Leo is the Lion, the leader, while Sagittarius is the Archer, slowly taking the time to survey their target and feel the nuances of difference in their approach. 
Leo is ruled by the Sun and Sagittarius is ruled by the Planet Jupiter. Both are masculine energy archetypes, and together they make a good combination — they understand one another because they are so similar. The Sun is about Self and Jupiter is about expansion and excess, together providing a personal and outward focus on themselves and the world, although sometimes they can overexert themselves. They’re highly compatible with lots of energy, and can be a wonderful couple in any setting or situation. 
Both are Fire Signs. This tends to be a very heated and passionate relationship. They both have boundless energy, and can seem the only ones able to keep up with one another’s intensity. Although Sagittarius may become exhausted by Leo’s expansive ego, their differences of opinion won’t last long.  
Leo is a Fixed Sign and Sagittarius is a Mutable Sign. Sagittarius provides Leo with the deeper understanding they may be lacking, while Leo can fine-tune Sagittarius’s charm and social graces. Sagittarius may be irritated by Leo’s bossiness, shallow vanity and tendency to sulk. However, they are both loyal and devoted to one another, and the rewards of their union outweigh the minor setbacks.
I tend to take these things with a pinch of salt, but somehow I can't seem but feel really optimistic about things. The above is remarkably close to the truth. N said that even the stars say that we are perfect for each other. I just smiled my cheeky smile on the phone with him. September 9th needs to come faster so I'll be reunited with him in London. Dude. Can't.Fucking.Wait.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Down to a whisper


I am a royal fuck-up as usual. I honestly am struggling so hard to grow up and take care of myself. I don't feel like blogging about it. I'll just say that N is incredible, and I am sold as to how lucky I am to have someone like him in my life. I told him that I am no longer interested in finding other people for hookups (I've deleted Jack'd and Grindr on my phone - big step!), for he's the only guy in my life (I'll still massively check out guys on the street/gym though). He is literally perfect towards me. I gotta treasure this kid for sure. I miss him so, so much, and can't stop talking to him or talking about him tbh. He's on my mind all the time. Haha. I sound like such a girl. But really though. It has been 5 weeks since we last were together crying at Heathrow (both of us are big-time crybabies).

My staunch Christian friend stalked photos of N through my Facebook and said that he is happy I found a gorgeous Persian man with an eight-pack hahaha. He also said it's great that at least I'm dating someone who treats me well, unlike my Bestie who honestly has never not been in a relationship from the age 17-22, and her boyfriends were always just either douchebags or...boring. The funny thing about my staunch Christian friend is that he accepts my gay identity, because he thinks that while homosexuality is a sin, it is a sin just like every other sin, and you should hate the game and not the playa, ummm...okay, guess this is the best case scenario for a staunch Christian.

It was great to see my bestie that I went on my Eurotrip with (I forgot what nickname I gave to her, so I'll just call her bestie). She stopped over in HK before going off to Shanghai for her Master's. Things between us are awesome now, because I'm no longer overly self-absorbed with my Wifi-grabbing Grindr habits in Europe (she not being a gay man, did not understand Grindr is literally made for Eurotrips), and she's so much more comfortable being back in Asia (she really detests Europe, and to a certain extent...老外 in general) so she's back to her chirpy crazy self too. We met up with two of her gay friends who are Greek twins for dinner yesterday. Immediately I started thinking




But they turned out to be more


They were nice people though, pretty sassy and fabulous, but damn I could not look at them neck-down. There was just so much goddamn body hair.

I'm still here till Wednesday/Thursday, so I'm going to catch up with a few more friends too.