Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Why I'm so shallow

I guess blogger is a no-judging zone, so I'd just write this all here. This actually makes me more uncomfortable than the gay thing.

I was talking to Jay earlier today who's a really chill blogger mate of mine now ahaa, and I realized that although I'd like to think that I'm pretty sophisticated, I'm actually a really shallow person. I always get really defensive when people tell me that I'm shallow, although it's so easy to tell from the way I talk about people. I treat my friends who are better-looking, more well-dressed, more popular, and wealthier, better than those who are not. I'm shallow because I have all these entrenched insecurities about myself, and I somehow project all these insecurities on everyone else that I interact with. I know that I am able to hold a tune, but I have never tried to learn music (I can't read scores or play any instruments, or even remotely understand pitch or beat) because I remember a long time ago when I first watched American Idol and I told my dad that one of these days I want to audition for something like that, he told me that I would have to work very hard because my voice is nothing special. I remember how he used to tell me that I have to be bolder with girls and make the first move, because I'm not good-looking and cannot expect them to come to me. When I wanted to get contact lenses, he told me I should stick with glasses because it hides "parts of my face" and makes it look more proportional. All this happened when I was probably 13-16. When I was really young, I came out of a taekwondo lesson once crying and saying I wanted to go home, and he told me that I was a girl for crying, because displaying emotions is not a manly thing. When I got older, especially in college, he would tell me that I am a weakling who cannot do an honest day's work (of investment banking). I started going to the gym because he commented a lot on my skinniness, and how I have no "pecs at all." After I started taking protein shakes to bulk up for a while, he started telling me that I've become fat now, and that my face is really chubby and that I should stop taking protein shakes. He also told me that I'm really whitewashed for wanting to stay in the states, and that he would pretty much disown me if I chose to.

The scary thing is how everyone is always saying I look exactly like my dad, how I'm a "chip off the old block." I never liked hearing that. But I guess I soon also learned that I was never good enough for my dad, that I wasn't the perfect son, physically, emotionally, and everything else.

I honestly don't know why my friends are friends with me. I look at myself and think that I'm nothing special at all. I was clearing up a few things in my room and I found a card that the underclassmen wrote for my graduation thing. Everyone said that I'm really funny and crazy. I guess those are my two redeeming qualities.

When I was a kid and discovered the wondrous phenomenon of steam on the bathroom mirror, I remember there was once I wiped the steam off everything else but an oval portion to cover my face. I wanted to see how I looked faceless. Heh. I'm an incredibly sad creature.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

We come into your soul when your guide is gone

So the previous post was pretty pathetic. But that was genuinely how I felt, so I'm just going to leave it up there. The music festival did not turn out to be that much of a riot; last year there were a lot of better bands like Feist, Girls, Chairlift, The Drums, M83 (holy fucking shit). This year the closing band was...Gotye. I mean, it was really cathartic to sing BUT U DIDN'T HAVE TO CUTTTTT ME OFFFFF but honestly everyone left after that song was played. I liked Kings of Convenience, Of Monsters and Men, Kimbra, and the ohsochill Real Estate. The rest of the bands was pretty shit. Japandroids is not music, no clue why would people think that. Laneway was way too hipster in general for me, and I consider myself a huge music dude but man, these bands did not play music. Just noise.

I guess I'm really happy for my best bud #1. I'd call him J. When he told me he was hanging out a lot with this girl, I thought it wasn't anything serious, but man yesterday was like a curveball thrown at me. They were holding hands like all the fricken time, laying on each other, whispering sweet-nothings to each other, stuff like that. Honestly if I knew that they were this serious, I wouldn't have gone to the festival with them. Thankfully there were other friends around that I was kicking it back with, but I'm not exactly close friends with them. This chick told me last night too, "Hey I feel like we've always been peripheral friends! Let's stop that and be actual friends and hang out!" The whole thing was kind of awkward because the French dude that she used to hook up with came later in the night, and ummm, I may or may not have tried to hit on him when I was sloshed one weekend with them, and I was being awk as balls around him (he told her that I was hitting on him, lmao). Now without the beer goggles, I can safely still say though, that I have pretty good taste, because he is hot lol, but apparently an asshole (to aforementioned chick). 

Here are a couple of pictures:


Also I oddly got really drunk out of nowhere. I knocked back a pint of beer, and had half a half-bottle of single malt, using green tea as a mixer (fuckyeahasians ahahaha). Then I found myself jumping up and down to Tame Impala thinking that I would kill a deer for a joint, and singing my lungs out to Gotye's one-hit-wonder song. Woke up this morning still feeling buzzed as hell, weird.

I'm becoming really whiny as of late. I just want to go to a rave, and forget everything.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

this is a really weird post because i don't think i'm capable of typing in capital letters or even with right grammar, because this is the first time i am typing when i am drunk.

today was a really odd day. i spent most of the day being roasted alive in a sea of dirty hipsters under a sweltering tropical sun. i was also third wheeling the entire day with my best bud #1 (the same dude who fucked the girl who gave up on me when i didn't have a hard-on) and his cute new girlfriend, and both of them pretty much spent the entire day taking pictures of themselves and going on long walks by themselves and being couply and shit (i sound jealous) and leaving me to sit awkwardly by their fucking huge mat. i mean, it wasn't that bad honestly, but half the time i felt like i was ruining their date, while also feeling really shitty for myself. i also realize that i really do like staring at couples making out quite a lot, or even dancing together, i don't know why but i just do, and also there were so many ray-bans out in the sun today, and all i could think about was this:

his girlfriend was being really odd and teasing me about being gay with her boyfriend since we have a lot of sleepovers where we sleep on the same bed, and about us going to a concert the week after without her, and she would grant us permission for us to dance together without her knowing. or how he should hold my hand since he's holding her hand and she didn't want me to feel left out (what the flying fuck? kinda weird) she also asked me if i thought the lead singer of kings of convenience was 'gay together' with the guitarist, and that 'they have to be, look at the way he moves' and weird shit like that, and hah, if she knew about me i doubt she would have made those jokes

i'm honestly burning right now, i'm so fucking burned from today, it's bad, my nose is red im a rudolph

fuck i should not publish this stupid post i'm just feeling sad for myself

Friday, January 25, 2013

Nothing much to say (my life is pretty boring, and no one really reads this haha), except that I'm officially no longer unemployed, probably starting 1st March (which sucks...I wanted more time to myself), I'm now out to 4 guys and 4 girls along with my sibs, I was going to tell my parents this weekend (I know I'm fast-forwarding this whole coming out process a lot faster than others), but decided not to since my grandmama is really ill and probably doesn't have many days left ahead of her... I'm also really debating if I should tell the girl that I was hooking up with over the summer, because she has been chatting me up quite a lot over the last couple of days, and I feel bad, but I'm really afraid she'd get pissed with me and tell everyone else (we have a lot of mutual friends). I also need to figure out how I'm going to sneak alcohol into the music festival tomorrow, or maybe I should get plastered during brunch (festival starts at 12 noon).

Also, this guy is seriously cute. Go check him out. Really funny name though.


Also, sick tune of the day:


Also, sick video of the day (actually it's pretty funny but scary too):

Wednesday, January 23, 2013


I've been feeling mad chill lately. I'm open to a couple friends now, they're all really chill about it, I'm open to my sibs, and they've been so awesome too, and I don't know man, but life feels pretty darn good! :D

I've been a huge bum being back home though. I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this. It's pretty bad. All I do every day is chill by the pool for a bit, play with my dogs for a bit, walk them round the neighborhood, watch movies in the movie room, and occasionally go to the gym. I don't even jack off that much anymore it's weird. It's like after coming out to a couple peeps I've actually got much less hornier. I used to go to town with my hand every single day, but now the lil bud doesn't even feel it. Maybe it's because I'm done with porn and am ready to mess around with real-life people instead.

I also have so much less motivation now to go to the gym. I went ALL the time in London at the school gym. Holy. fucking. shit. I felt like I was in a zoo of hot guys. Everyone was incredibly ripped and impossibly good-looking. And everyone spoke with an English accent. And...the showers were communal, in full view from the lockers. I always liked what I saw, lolol. I'm always the slightly self-conscious scrawny dude lifting much lighter weights than everyone, but this time I just didn't give a fuck. And because I didn't know anyone there (most of the time studying abroad actually means you meet zero locals and only fellow amurcan exchange students) I would stare. A lot. Which actually wasn't all that creepy, because like three or four other dudes would also be staring at the dude I was staring at, although I'm guessing their thoughts were more "Woah. I want to be that guy." And I'm more "let me just sit down here for a lil while longer cos my boner is out of control"

But now being back I go to the country club gym instead (I use my dad's membership), and the average age of the gym is probably 60. Man. It sucks major donkey dick when I try to get myself all pumped and shit for the gym and then bam. Cellulite in my face. Wrinkles everywhere. I've tried using the sauna but it creeps me out because there are elderly folk in there in the nude and shit. Oh boy. If not for my friend J (first dude I came out to) who's always on my ass about going to the gym (he's sorta seeing this hot girl right now, and is really self-conscious about his tummy because he doesn't want to be THE fat kid getting the hot chick that everyone likes to gossip about) I would not go at all. But a part of me really thinks that hitting the gym isn't worth it because my family is genetically tiny. And yes, it's because we're Asian. My sister is barely 5' 2" and 90 lbs. She's a stick. My brother's 2-3 inches shorter than me, but he's a 115 lbs, and so he can do 25 pull-ups easily. We're not like emaciated or skinny, but no matter how much we eat we're all incredibly lean. It's great because I don't really watch what I eat, but kind of sucks too.

I watched the first two of the LOTR trilogy yesterday. Extended editions. Man, really long. But pretty good. But also kinda weird. I forgot how creepy elves are, and I'm sorry but Elrond will always be Agent Smith to me. I forgot how much of a crazy bitch Galadriel is, especially the part where she turns into some Medusa thing when Frodo offers her the ring I have no idea how Frodo remained so calm after that. I forgot how annoying it is that Elves speak Elvish even when other non-speakers are around, reminds me so much of the insular Koreans at school who would sit down, with me, and start speaking their native tongue and I kind of flail my arms to show that I exist. I forgot how androgynous Legolas looked, and he should really listen to himself speak some times "A red sun rises, blood has been spilled this night." - can anyone say tool?, although I'd still do him. I forgot how incredibly useless dwarves are as a race. Axes are way too slow and clunky. I forgot how incredibly beautiful Arwen is, and how ever could she possibly be the offspring of Steve Tyler. I also forgot that Sean Bean plays Boromir, and it really does seem that he dies in everything he plays.


I have a final round interview for my real-estate job tomorrow. This weekend I'm seeing a couple bands (Kings of Convenience, Of Monsters And Men, etc.) at an outdoor festival by the outlandish trees in my previous post so it'll be sick. And although I'm not a huge fan of my friend's faghag girlfriend, I might ask her if she'd like to come to a gay club, because I don't have anyone else to go with. Just kinda want to see what's it like over here. I've been to two gay clubs before in London (my gay friend's English boyfriend told me that everyone says that my country is really conservative but hey, "you're so cool about going to a gay club!" haha) but each time I was "straight" then but it's really weird because these guys are sketchy. One guy asked for my name, shook my hand, and leaned in to kiss me. Just like that. I don't mind if you do that if you're hot but man he was old and balding. Another guy grabbed me from the front and started just grinding me face-to-face... I remember also thinking the music was pretty campy (there was a lot of Destiny's Child and Jennifer Lopez). There was one guy though that was really cute and shy and he came over to talk to me after looking my way for quite a while and I saw his friend nudging him along haha but I was with my gay friend who I wasn't out to at all, so I kind of just talked to him and hinted that I wasn't interested. 

Other than that, I think I'm going to travel for a bit. I'm probably going to Central America for spring break with my college friends, and then maybe after that I'd go back to the good ol' Midwest and chill fat. Maybe if I get lucky I'd get Coachella tickets. I don't really know what to do. I kind of told the real-estate people I could start work early, but I don't know if I want to be a corporate zombie so quickly.

My posts are way too long and I ramble too much. Hopefully it isn't too bad. Anyway, here's a song I like.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

My country

I didn't want to write out my country in plain for fear of losing anonymity. But I can describe it. I'm from a strange faraway "disneyland" that I'm not sure if many in the states are familiar with. My country is the size of Las Vegas (it is tiny), but has 10 times the number of people living there. We also have 10 times less the number of casinos that the Las Vegas Strip has, but yet generate about the same overall revenue. Most of the people here are not white. Although we don't have much in common with the states, we have TGI. Friday's, Wendy's, Chili's, Applebee's, Dairy Queen, Quiznos, Subway, California Pizza Kitchen, Domino's, Hooters (I remember my roommate soph year driving me to one for my birthday as a surprise, ahahaha was pretty awk) and even Universal Studios. But we're halfway across the world. Some people have said that we're the most Western country you can find outside of the West.

Why did I say disneyland? Because my country looks a little bit unreal tbh.

Here's a picture of our skyline:

We have some pretty outlandish trees:

We also host the Formula One Grand Prix some times:

I love my country a lot, especially the food that we have here. We have food from everywhere around the world. We are also pretty diverse. While we are incredibly cosmopolitan, the older generation is fiercely conservative mostly due to the persistence of very traditional ideals. In fact a lot of the older generation are xenophobic and quite against the flood of immigration of recent times. While homosexuality is illegal here, I probably exaggerated the extent of the conservatism though, the younger generation is a lot more socially liberal. 

This whole post makes no sense at all

Sup homiesss

Ok first off just gonna be "a little gay" here (only just a lil), but did Beyonce kill that or what?? Mad props. She also looked amazing hah. Sometimes I wish that I was truly bisexual so I could bang/fantasize about banging all these hot women too.

And why? Because I think it's incredibly sexy when a girl knows how to move her body. It's so different from the way a guy moves his body. Especially when girls are kinda naughty and suggestive but still in control of the situation. It's odd because I usually have this whole "mmm I wanna tap that" thing in my head, but the lil dude down there never agrees. No boners. Seriously.

So sometimes I wonder if it's just the gay side of me that responds to sexy girls. But then again, it's not like I'm singing along in falsetto and am dying to gyrate all over a fucking tombstone. So yeah, I don't know. Is it possible to actually think that girls are incredibly sexy, but yet do not want to have sex with them? My brain and dick are just weird.

So anyway, from the previous post, I started thinking about a lot of things again. Actually wait up I just remembered my dream, I was with my main man (he called me that) frosh year (we sadly drifted apart after...) just kickin it with a joint (we had so much fun with our toking adventures), and then the joint became three joints, and then it became a whole straw bucket full of joints. I was redonk-blazed, I think in my dream I could taste that the weed was gnarly..., and started going around this outdoor carnival thing flapping my hands about like a bird, talking to my main man about how it'll be cool if we could fly and live up in the sky. Then I realized I lost my phone, and I immediately sobered up and was like, fuck, phone got stolen, so I woke up in cold sweat to find my phone right beside my bed.

Going off on a complete tangent here...but this phone theft thing is actually a pretty big traumatic experience for me. When I was studying abroad in London just a couple months ago, I started feeling really lonely, and withdrawn from the world, which is odd because I fucken love London it's one of the few cities in the world I can see myself living it up. I love walking on the streets and just people-watching all the dapper guys/girls, everyone's seriously so snazzy. Anyway, so there was one time when an older friend came to visit, and this guy is trouble. Drinks get out of hand So while I was wary, I just wanted to get really drunk too. We ended up getting a couple champagne bottles, and then out of nowhere vodka materialized, and...I blacked out.

When I sobered up a little, I realized that I was walking on unfamiliar streets with this random stranger necking me. His breath smelled of cigarettes, and he looked at me and smiled. I reached into my pockets and realized I had the ID and lipstick from this random chick that I probably met at the club...I had no clue why I had them.  I was so incredibly confused about how I ended up in that situation but felt so fucken horny, we started just making out and had our hands down each other's pants and shit while walking, stopping only when people were approaching. He asked me where I lived, and he walked me back, but stopped by the bathroom in the lobby to blow each other. Although this wasn't the first time I tasted dick, it was oddly the most enjoyable, because I was so inebriated I didn't feel any guilt. He really enjoyed it, and idk, I liked it that he enjoyed it. I could not believe that I was having a random hookup with a dude. Then he wanted to leave, since it was clear that I wasn't going to bring him up to my place (my sister was around). I went out with him, put my hands down his pants more, he did the same, and out of nowhere, I felt my phone being lifted out of my pocket. I was really drunk, so I started patting down my pockets, and realized I didn't have it. I asked him, hey, where's my phone? And I forgot exactly what happened, because everything got really blurry here, but I begged him to return it to me, and he brushed me off really hard and said "Fuck you you crazy faggot I didn't take your phone" and he ran off.

I stood in the middle of the road, unsure of what just happened to me. I felt like puking. Way too much booze. His words kept repeating over and over in my head. I went to a side, puked out quite a lot of shit, then tried to find my way home. I was lost; that fucker brought me to some really sketchy part of town that I've never been to before. After asking one guy for directions though (it was 4.30 a.m.), I managed to drag myself home. I cried myself to sleep on the couch. I just hooked up with a random stranger and had my phone stolen. In five hours, I was going to have lunch with my parents. He called me a faggot. My gayness had made me lose my phone.

I cried so much. My parents were furious - they had already warned me in the past not to binge drink anymore, especially after my school notified them that I ended up in the hospital for alcohol poisoning... I didn't know what to say or do. I lied to them that my phone got snatched when I was trying to GPS my way back home. I lied to everyone who asked me. There was no way I could tell anyone the truth. I felt like I should punish myself for fucking up so bad. But my dad is a firm believer that money can solve all problems, and he bought me a newer, better phone immediately. This is why my mom is really worried that all of us kids are going to really believe that money solves everything in the world, because every fuck-up we do there are seemingly no consequences at all.

So yeah, that's why I'm really paranoid about getting my phone stolen. That's why I woke up in cold sweat.

I also decided I'm going to put songs that I like up on this blog. This is one of my favorites.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Coming out to family: two steps forward

I honestly don't know what the fuck was holding me back in the past in being open about my sexuality. I could not have asked for a better reaction from my sister, which gave me enough balls to tell my brother too, and both of them have seriously amazed me with their acceptance.

The first step is always the scariest though. I hovered over the "send mail" button. I addressed the email to both my brother and sister, but while my sister's off at school, my brother's back home doing an internship stint. He was in the room right across from me. I chickened out and decided to only send it to my sister first.

My sister immediately told me that she loves me no matter what, and that I must never be stupid again and think about suicide. She felt really guilty about not picking up on all the panic attacks I had when I was rooming with her. In fact she kind of squealed over IM a lil and said that she's actually really excited to have a gay brother, and can't wait to tell her friends although she'd hold off until I'm more ready. She said it gives our family street cred, lolol. She also told me that my brother would be totally cool with it, since he watches a lot of Modern Family and Will & Grace.

(Digression: She told me that my summer fling with this girl last summer is such a Will & Grace situation...lol, she's kind of right ahah. This girl in question, I've been feeling really guilty about. She texted me last night with a picture of Dom (I'm a huge douchebag when it comes to bottled service) she split with a coupla friends in a club and said that the only thing that this picture is missing is me, and that I should go back because she misses me. Pretty sure that was a drunken transnational booty call. I have got to figure out a way to tell her gently, yikes...)

She reassured me that nothing will change, and was happy that I am finally able to move on with my life. She also told me something else that just threw me off completely...I'd talk about it at the end of the post.

I was kind of choking up a little when she said all that to me. I decided I was going to tell my brother too. I waited for him to get to work (I don't think I can do this face-to-face really), and so I emailed him again. He texted back saying that "duDDEEE I don't care if you are or not! Doesn't change a thing man!" He said after going to school in Melbourne (yes, we all go to different continents for college it's pretty dope) he's been exposed to a lot of gay people and is now totally comfortable with them. This is where it was kinda funny. Before this he has never talked to me about anything gay-related. Now he was telling me about specific incidents of gay guys who have hit on him in college and he had to tell them to "ctfd I'm straight" ahahah, or how his jewish-themed college actually has more gay guys than jewish people, how a student leader tried to run for student board elections by using gay-straight alliance as his main platform, how he drunkenly ended up in a GLBT mardi gras one weekend when his friends and he went down to Sydney. He also told me how I should move to Australia and get married there and adopt cute halfie kids. He also said excitedly about how our family's getting even closer to Modern Family now, cos my mom is kind of uptight and control-cray like Claire, my sister is really pretty but she's kind of an airhead like Haley, her boyfriend is a total Dylan hahaha, my brother does his own shit all the time like Luke, and he said I can now just represent the gay side of everything. Lol. He also told me how he's excited now that he has two fashion advisors instead of one (my sister), and I told him wtf dude I've always dressed dapper, and he said "yeah but now it carries a lot more weight, juz sayin" hahahah.

All this was just blowing my mind. It made me feel really stupid for battling my inner demons and bottling everything up for so many years. I just had two incredibly honest conversations with my siblings and it made me so happy. Really. I think it's becoming so obvious to me that the world is becoming a lot more accepting now, and that many times all the fear is just in our heads. I definitely cannot speak for everyone because I lucked out with having such accepting sibs, but yeah. Man. Everything is great.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Hokay so here it goes. My heart is beating really fast. It's 4 pm in London now. I am going to send my sister an email that I've drafted.

I'm coming out to my first family member yet. Man. O.K. Wish me luck.


My friend's girlfriend told me to stop being so dramatic when I told her that I struggled really hard and considered suicide. She said I need to chill out because it isn't a big deal that I like guys. Other than her boyfriend, 90% of the guy friends that she has are gay. She's a total fag hag, and goes out to gay clubs all the time, and even told her boyfriend once that she wished he was a "little gay" so that things would be more exciting.

I told her to fuck off, she doesn't know me. She apologized and said she didn't mean it that way, but I think it's unfair that she thinks it's no big deal for everyone, especially since as a straight person she will never understand the inner demons that people in the closet constantly fight with. Just because all her gay friends are completely out and proud, it does not mean that I share the same feelings. Hopefully one day I would be completely comfortable with myself, but I'm not there yet. She also wanted to throw me a coming out party. Motherfucking shit.

I feel really lame but I needed assurance. I asked my best friend at college to be honest and say if she thought I was girly, and she said no not at all, no one could guess other than she and my other close friend who I've both known since freshman year, and she said it's purely because I never seemed all that interested in girls, but they never asked me about it because they weren't exactly sure since I wasn't the portrayed "stereotype." She did say a couple of girls did ask her if I am though, but that's because they literally threw themselves at me at sorority formals and what not and I didn't hook up with them although honestly I thought they asked me to be their dates for their formals as purely friends, and not anything more...maybe I'm really dumb. In fact none of the mutual gay friends that we have ever asked her about me. She also said that I do dress a bit much for a "straight" guy though ("you're a metrosexual that's incidentally homosexual"), since I tailored my suit and most of my dress shirts, and have polos and chinos in many colors, but that honestly isn't a bad thing since most dudes dress like shit, and I don't wear femme or anything.

I felt really stupid after asking her this though. She told me that regardless of anything, I should really stop caring so much about how other people view me. She said I need to be a lot more confident about my masculinity, and that I should stop caring so much about dated gender stereotypes. She also told me that I shouldn't feel stupid and feel like "a girl" for asking her the above question because she doesn't like it that guys feel the need to bottle up everything all the time.

I'm going to try to care less from now on. It's not going to be an overnight thing for sure, I mean I did spend my entire life deathly self-conscious about what other people thought about me; I'm not going to wake up tomorrow and be all I don't give a fuck what anyone says. It's all a huge work-in-progress. I know I'm going to pull through though.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Masculinity insecurities

I'm having a minor panic attack because I'm beginning to realize that the more I'm coming out to people, the worse I actually feel because everyone (at least all the girls) is saying that they knew all along. How the fuck does that make me feel? Although I'm not Rambo or anything, I've always thought (or wanted to think) that I'm pretty masculine. Like my voice isn't high-pitched, I don't have a limp wrist, and I don't strut or anything. There is this deep-set paranoia in me that being gay means that I'm less masculine, and for some fucking reason it makes me feel really insecure.

I know I'm not a regular "dude." I don't drink much beer, I don't watch sports, I don't know much about cars, I don't know how to repair things, I don't really exercise, I'm small (I'm 5' 9" and only a 130 lbs), I don't have much facial/body hair (this is genetic), and yeah I'm not into pussy. I know all these are fucking dated stereotypes, but I've always just wanted to be normal and fit in with the guys. And not doing any of the above made me feel mad shitty. I wanted people to feel that I was just like other guys, and not anything "different."

Now I know that my paranoia is not unfounded. Everyone has been talking behind my back. Everyone thinks that I'm really feminine, or a step further - that I'm a girl. Maybe it is feminine to be so emotional and worked up about all this. What the fuck is going on in my head now? Why am I getting more and more insecure about my masculinity? This is getting worse and worse.

Fuck everyone.

Guy's night out, hookup stories, coming out #5 and #6

This is awesome. Hahah. First I got a fb message from a friend who was grumbling to me that she hates her life because everyone's at the senior bar crawl and she didn't manage to find a fake in time. I told her uhh, your life isn't that bad, and kind of just came out to her over facebook. Kinda impersonal I know. She was extremely supportive (seriously everyone has been so far) and told me that she's always really happy and jealous of people who manage to do successful soul-searching (I think she's pretty damaged actually - her choices in men have been pretty suspect in college, but she hasn't really opened up to me about anything, maybe this might make her feel more comfortable) and was honored that I told her. Which is a funny thing to me, being "honored" that your friend told you he's gay, but yeah I guess it makes sense.

Met two of my buds I told about me being gay last night at a bar (I haven't seen them since I told them a couple days ago), and after maybe 5-10 minutes of awkward small talk, they started loosening up a bit and went back to their old selves. They told me that they honestly didn't see it coming when I came out to them but that they were totally cool about it. They also were asking me all sorts of funny questions, which was awesome. One of my friends asked, who would you fuck, Judi Dench or Ryan Gosling? He looked at me and said 'well okay your answer is obvious' and he said that he would probably do Gosling too, and if that makes him a lil gay so be it ahahah. He asked my other friend, and my friend actually said Judi Dench!!! LMAO that's some sick shit no offense to Mdm. Dench she's a great actress but maaannn.

So they were really curious about my previous hookup stories, because I've not told them anything about any guys/girls from before. After reading all these blogs that I've subscribed to, I realize that I have one of the most pathetic and weirdest hookup history. I don't know how I get myself into these situations, but there was once when this chick was helping her friend puke in a frathouse bathroom. I asked her if her friend was alright, and she said yeah she'd be okay. Literally 2 minutes of talking later, she ditched her friend and started making out with me. And her friend was kneeling over the toilet bowl and saying "Seriously? I'm vomming here! You're such a bitch!" I told them about another time also when I went up to this 50-year-old-ish woman with blond spiked hair dancing by herself at the bar and I told my friend that it'll be funny if I went up and talked to her. I said something about how I admire how she's so comfortable with her age for being in such an otherwise younger crowd (I know, I was such a dick, I was pretty wasted), and for some reason she decided that she'd show me that she was still "young and down for anything" and grabbed me in and ate my face. I was so drunk I didn't stop her, and apologized for offending her, and was actually gonna continue talking to her until my friend pulled me aside and said "what the motherfuck did you just make out with a grandma?" and it hit me and I ran outside and puked everything out. This was the single most FUCKING DISGUSTING make-out sesh I've ever had in my life I swear I had nightmares for a week.

We left the bar laughing and got to 7-Eleven to buy a couple beers and I started talking smack about how one of my friends bought cider instead and I said "Wow even I think cider is a bitch drink" and he was like "whatever asshole" hah. We sat on a bench to continue shooting the shit (the bar got too noisy). I asked my friend about why he fucked the girl that was clearly my pseudo-sloppy seconds and he was like, "Hey dude. She threw herself at me. I know it wasn't bro but I had no choice." We were laughing at that time but honestly some times it's strange thinking about the psyche of guys, that they think that they really have no choice but to have sex with someone, or to cheat on a spouse, or rape someone just because of the way they dress. I know my friend's a good kid, but it's still kinda unsettling really. They asked if I've ever been in a relationship with a guy, and that's where it was a little tricky to answer.

I went to a private all-boys middle school with both of them (and also high school after that, but there were girls then), and I never really thought about it, but it kinda makes sense that since there are double the number of guys, there should, statistically, be double the number of gay/bi-curious/bi guys too. There were a couple of guys in my classes that belonged to the good-looking athletic jock type. There was one guy on the basketball team that would always turn around during math class and just stared at me, some times for 10 seconds. It unnerved me a lot because I thought he was reading my mind and knew that I was checking the guys out in class (when I was young I believed in superpowers and thought that some people could mind-read). He wasn't very tall (I mean, we were in middle school) but he was really tanned and pretty cut. This staring thing went on for quite a while, and after a while I texted him to quit it because it was making me uncomfortable. He texted back and said that he liked making me feel uncomfortable. Right... There was a field trip once and on the bus he sat right beside me, and out of nowhere started holding my hand. I didn't know what to do so I didn't actually react or anything. I did though when he tried to lean in to kiss me. I got pissed and asked him what was he doing? He laughed and confessed that the basketball team thought that it would be funny to pull a prank on me like that.

That was like a huge slap on my face and all interest I had in basketball has been nada since then. For weeks I was really withdrawn from everyone, thinking that everyone was making fun about me being gay. When I told my friends about this last night, they told me that Basketball Kid has always been a lil 'off' and that he probably lied about the prank thing after I didn't reciprocate his lean-in. Apparently he got really desperate in college to find a girlfriend and I saw pictures of his girlfriend now and she's kinda meh. So I had a revelation that woah, maybe all these years I had it all wrong.

In junior high, this guy who was a little more on the feminine side, wrote me a 5-page letter confessing his love to me and that he is "really confused as this is completely unprecedented" but that he knows that he loves me. That was really disturbing because I was pretty good friends with him and hung out with him a lot, and I realized that I was horrible at picking up all his signals. I also wasn't attracted to him, and so yeah, that was really weird...

The only real hookup thing with a guy though was in junior high too, and he was really athletic and lean (I guess I have a type). He actually ended up being what I guess I can consider as my first (and only) relationship, but things ended on a sour note after he started getting really panicky about people finding out (turns out no one really did talk about us though, cept a few gay guys with fucking ace gaydar). I don't even know how these things even start, because we have almost no mutual friends yet we hung out quite a lot (He belonged to the typical jock clique and I was more with the smart and goofy kids). Not gonna lie, but this was an incredibly hot but confusing time for me. We would go about our classes just being acquaintances and saying 'what's up' and stuff, but whenever any of us got horny, we would text the other and write "Bathroom break?" We were balls-deep out of our minds for doing this in the school bathroom, but we just went at it, making out and furiously unbuttoning each other and jerking each other off. This went on for a couple months. There was once he went to the hospital for some minor surgery, and I visited him, and while sitting by his hospital bed he told me to kiss him. The nurse was right there by the adjacent bed. I was freaking out but he kept egging me on. So I did, and then he took a magazine out and propped it up, and took his dick out from underneath the fly of his scrubs and egged me on to jerk him off. I think it is safe to say that we were only thinking with our dicks and not our heads because after that we went to the stairwell and I actually blew him...I know. Who does that in a hospital? But I think we were both seeking the thrill of trying not to get caught, and it was a lot of fun.

While our relationship was probably 90% horniness, we did connect to an extent. We texted all the time, acting like normal bros, dissing each other and shit, yet slipping in mushy good morning and good night messages. Then one day this really feminine person in our lit class (pretty sure he's gay with really good gaydar, he started suspecting both of us) came into the bathroom when we were in the same stall just going at it, and he looked underneath the stalls. "I see four feet in the same stall! (My name), are you in there with (Athletic Dude)???" Athletic Dude shouted back really pissed, "What do you want you fucker" and so the guy left, but that changed everything. He told me that things were starting to get really weird for him, and said that it was better if we stopped it all permanently. That was bad. He completely pretended not to know me after that. I actually haven't talked to him since, because I was really mad with him that he didn't even want to talk about how we should talk to the asshole snooper and shit. And also he made it seem like I was responsible for everything that happened. Wasn't fair at all bro, although granted I did get kind of clingy and begged him for one last break-up hook-up sesh... yeah, I'm never doing that again it's pretty fucking pathetic. Hormones, man, what can I say.

So anyway, I guess it was the alcohol, but I told my two friends about all that too. Well, not everything of course, I left out all the horny stuff haha and wrote it all here. I guess I really trust them both enough to share this with them, because after all we've been friends for 10 years and I know they got my back and I got theirs too. All this made middle and high school pretty messy for me too. They told me that they never knew I was going through some weird shit because I always projected this image of being always happy and all. They also teased me for being a horny dickwad, which is kinda true I guess, heh.

After that it started pouring and my friend's girlfriend was nice and drove over to pick us up. In the car I decided to tell my 6th person. I told her that I had something important to tell her. She asked me if I got a girl pregnant. I said no, that would probably complicate matters a lot more...heh. Then she asked if I killed someone and needed legal counsel (she's a lawyer), I said no. Finally, she just straight up asked me, "Well, what is it? You like dick?" Everyone in the car laughed. I laughed too. I said, "Okay yes, I like dick." And everyone laughed again. She said she suspected it before (goddamn so far 3 out of 4 girls told me that they've questioned it before; it really seems that girls are either more aware, or that they gossip about people a lot. Also honestly it is the worst thing ever to tell a closet case that you "knew all along" because that makes all the worst fears of the fucking closet being non-existent in the first place come true, and that is just fucking mean and insensitive) because there was a girl that really wanted to get on my d but I ignored every single one of her advances. I told her about how the last few months got really bad for me, and I was close to depression, but now that I've taken steps to address this I should be a lot happier from now on. Now this girl is really irreverent (some times I like that a lot, some times I really don't) and so she starts squealing and telling me that I should come out to a gay club with them one night (She and her group of friends are pretty much fag hags) and told me that I shouldn't be depressed and "dramatic" - that I should chill out and not freak out just because I like guys. Yeah, that was offensive. I'm not being "dramatic" when I thought about killing myself...or maybe I was...I don't know.

The girl then dropped me and my other friend off at my place, and she took off with her dude. This friend and I used to do loads of sleepovers at my place, even up till a couple weeks ago he would crash on my bed with me (it's a big bed) whenever we had too much to drink and he didn't want to cab it back home. It made me really happy because he crashed on my bed with me this time too, and that meant that me coming out to him didn't really change anything between us. Man, I love him and my other mate too, they're honestly such bros to me.

Looking back though, I honestly think that I should have definitely confronted my sexuality a lot earlier. Everyone pretty much doesn't give a shit. The world hasn't ended. I probably would also have a lot more time to fool around with guys, heh. I guess now it's still not too late too though. I'm feeling pretty optimistic for 2013.

Friday, January 18, 2013

I'm the king of my own land

So the title of my blog is from a song that I almost listen to daily when I get up in the morning, or when I (used to) walk around campus during winter when everything was quiet save for the crunching of ice beneath my boots and the sun draping bowing shadows over bare trees. m83 is one of my favorite bands. This song has been used everywhere (including the Cloud Atlas trailer), but I remember when I first listened to it when I first got hold of Hurry Up We're Dreaming! (the album). It was a very profound feeling. I do not know how to explain how I felt when I first listened to the song, so you should just give it a listen and experience it first-hand:

I'm the king of my own land
Facing tempests of dust I'll fight until the end
Creatures of my dreams raise up and dance with me
Now and forever I'm your king

Thursday, January 17, 2013

The parents...

My mind is doing its usual shit of mindfucking itself to death. I've read a couple more blogs now, like secretsofanallamerican.blogspot.com and closetcase3498.blogspot.com (this dude's blog is pretty much defunct but he is an extremely legit writer so very worth checking out) and yes, I'm very much addicted to these blogs. It is a sort of guilty pleasure; I feel like I'm connecting so much with all their troubles, and on top of that, there is some vicarious "Fifty Shades of Grey" element to all their stories too. Not gonna lie but dude, some shit that they write are really hot.

It's all pretty awesome, except that I've come to the conclusion that this entire sexuality-figuring out thing is an extremely long process, because after 2-3 years of blog posts it seems like most of these guys have probably only figured half of their shit out. Thank god though that I'm probably a lot more gay than bi. Before, I always thought it was much easier to be bisexual, because at least you can lead a 'normal life' with a wife and kids. Reading the aforementioned two blogs, it seems so much harder though.

I have put a halt on my coming out process. I have told 4 people, and am now extremely unsure if I should proceed by telling more.

There has always been three big (maybe irrational) fears that I had about coming out:

1) This isn't really a fear, but I have subjected myself to a life of such self-loathing that I convinced myself that the punishment to myself would be that I must never be happy, ever. I'm not even religious - I have no clue why I think this way. And the 'fear' is that if I broke this pattern, I would be giving myself so much more than I deserve. I know, it's really fucking sad that I think this way, but I still have an overwhelming guilt complex about having homosexual thoughts.

2) I live in an extremely socially conservative country that has seen itself perfect its niche of churning out cookie-cutter academic drones one after the other like clockwork. This was why growing up I was so disenchanted with the people around me. Everyone was incredibly motivated to chase after paper qualifications, but everyone seemed infinitely mundane too. I am almost certain that no one would be okay with me being gay in my country. All my out gay friends here (they are more of the feminine genre) have either relegated themselves to only gay-friendly professions (read: theater and fashion) but still seem overwhelmingly unhappy. The other half have checked out and bounced out of the motherland. I actually love my country a lot, but I am tired of the dated social mindsets that people here have. That's probably why I was adamant to go to the USofA for college, but turns out that many people in the Midwest are actually really conservative and kind of...ignorant, no offense.

3) My parents. I feel that I have SO much to live up to, it's honestly very overwhelming some times. My mom quit her job when I was in sixth grade because I was doing badly at school. Although she probably did do me a favor because she clamped down on me and got me to focus (I've always suspected I have ADHD actually), this was an early signal in my life that I was such a smattering screw-up my mom had to quit her job for me. Nowadays she still jokes about that, about how I ruined her career and stuff like that. It actually does get to me, though she doesn't think so.

Growing up, I saw how my dad became extremely successful at his job, and the tangible benefits that he was amassing with this success. I grew up with a chauffeur, and two domestic helpers for the bulk of  my life, even up till this day. My sense of standing on my own two feet has long atrophied. While my dad wasn't entirely an absent father back in the day, he did travel a lot, and he compensated by giving me absolutely anything that I wanted. If it was anyone else, they'd probably end up as the stereotypical trust fund kid and demand more and more, while developing a really warped view of the world. Funnily though, I didn't turn out completely that way, because the entire time I have been feeling so wracked with guilt that my dad is giving me whatever I want and in return I am not their "perfect son" because I am gay. I've always felt incredibly uncomfortable with this. He just bought me a beamer, again, just because I'm "home now, and will be for a while." I got really annoyed when he said that; it was clear many of these luxuries he was giving to me had some kind of invisible emotional contract that I was signing. He is also convinced that I cannot possibly live without all these luxuries, and therefore owe it all to him and my mom. I honestly can do without all these luxuries, but the very fact that he still buys all these things still makes me feel that I should still have the decency to do what they want me to do in life.

So I studied really hard (actually, nah, I really didn't, I'm good with taking tests) and got into a really good college. It's not an ivy, but it's pretty close to one. I studied economics even though I have no interest in the economy, and ended up getting into a finance program that's really competitive and shit like that, because my parents always wanted me to be an investment banker. Junior year I started applying to all those bulgebullshitbracket firms in all the big cities on the East/West Coasts to land myself "the golden internship," but the economy sucked mighty donkey balls, and with each rejection I started getting more and more disheartened and awash with self-doubt, wondering if I could even see myself doing investment banking. I was just, stuck really, and didn't know what I wanted to do. I called my dad, and told him I wasn't sure if I should be doing banking, since clearly I don't even seem to be making the cut anyway (granted most of these banks aren't actually hiring anyone), and he told me not to worry and that he'll "settle it."

Through some connections of his, I landed a summer internship with a big bank. He didn't even talk to me about my uncertainty about doing banking. He just straight up decided for me that I was doing it for the summer. I was both relieved, because I had an internship at last, but also very numbed by this. Once again, I wasn't living for myself. I went through the internship, I worked all those long hours and honestly, after finishing it I felt like I learned absolutely nothing. The whole finance world felt like bullshit to me. Sure, the partying was insane though. Models and bottles. I'm not kidding you when I would say every Thursday was Models' Night at this swanky club, and there would be so many bottles of Moet and Dom at the table all through the weekends I was intoxicated by this whole lifestyle. But I still felt really disconnected from it all. Senior winter came, and conforming just like everyone else was, I was searching for a job in the finance industry (literally everyone at my college wanted to be in the finance/consulting sector). Turns out that I probably was absolute shit at my previous summer internship, because I didn't get a return offer. So I tried applying for other banks again, but this time because of a certain deja vu from junior year, I felt really uneasy. I kept thinking, this isn't who I am... and I started feeling unsure about everything else in my life. I started latching all my uncertainties about the personal aspects of my life (i.e. my sexuality) onto my potential professional aspects, and panicked.

My parents would tell me that I am so unmotivated in life, that I am not "hungry to succeed." Honestly I have always been hungry to succeed, but I have been hungry to succeed for them, and now I want to be hungry to succeed for myself since I haven't figured any shit out for myself. My mom would tell me that I'm being really ungrateful for not at least trying out what my dad really wants me to do at least for a couple months/years, before telling him that it honestly isn't for me. So I broke down one day and called my dad and told him I don't know what I want to do with my life, and that if I told him that I honestly do not think that investment banking is right for me, would he still love me as his son? I know, to you readers, you're like "Ha! I see what you did there." Because I was actually choking up with tears on the phone, my dad finally realized that maybe I really didn't want to do that, and so he told me that he loves me, and that I do not have to do banking if I do not want to do so, and that I should pursue other options that I know I want and like.

Except I do not know what I want and like. How do people figure these things out??? My entire life I worked towards a career in banking, and knew about nothing else. I contemplated taking a gap year to figure shit out in my life, cos I was so confused about everything, but my mom told me that unless I can justify that gap year to 'future employers' I should not take one, as it is very damaging for the resume. I wanted the gap year to find myself sexually, but obviously I wasn't going to/ready to tell them that, so I scrapped that idea, but I was still in a job rut.

The interview that I mentioned at the start of my blog was once again, through an introduction from a friend of my dad's.

I'm a royal fuck-up. I don't know how I'd deal being a royal gay fuck-up. Worst son ever? Yeah, probably.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

One more thing...

Man I gotta tone down on these updates, but I have nothing else better to do. Today I told my mom about a friend of a friend (I mentioned him somewhere before here) and how I had mad respect for him because he did his whole female-to-male surgery and hormones thing right after he went to an all-girls middle school. My mom was totally cool about it, and said something like "Yes, he sounds really brave, good for him. Hopefully he also got a new ID to reflect his true gender." True gender. When I heard that, idk dude, but I felt pretty happy that she seemed accepting and all. I know that this is a totally different situation from mine though, but it's sorta kinda similar.

Alright peace bros.

Coming out #4

So I told my fourth person. She was really supportive actually, and told me she was proud that I am beginning to accept myself. She also did tell me that she also did suspect in the past because I never really seemed interested in girls too...

Ok so this kinda makes me really pissed off. For some reason I feel like it kind of sucks that people have really been talking behind my back about me, and that I wasn't just being paranoid about it. Although, ok, I get it, three years in college, and I didn't have sex with a single girl. There were definitely times when I almost did though. But I would usually freak out, and bounce. And these two girls that I told (along with two other guys) were my core group of friends so they knew everything about me, so I guess it made sense.

So why I'm pretty pissed off was because of my guilt complex thing I felt really insecure about myself, and hence never really had the balls to actually properly have sex with a girl. I mean, how would I know for sure I wouldn't enjoy it? Some times I do fantasize about having sex with girls, but it's always a little strange in my head though, it's always with Megan Fox. Or Olivia Wilde. Lol. I think they're super hot. And Fox is so openly bisexual. And Wilde always plays bisexual girls on TV. That's hot too. And so I start watching straight porn. But all these female pornstars are all really weird, they moan like a chicken, or at least that's what my gay mind tells me, and it's a huge turn-off, and most of them actually have some kind of 'ugly' in their face...I don't know how to describe it. It's like they're kinda 'hood'. There was this girl in my dorm frosh year that was kinda cute but also was kinda off...and my friend told me that she totally looked like a pornstar, cos she had that bit of 'ugly' in her face, and so that phrase stuck with me.

So my blogging kind of sucks, I go off on all these tangents...but anyway, speaking about porn, whenever I watch gay porn, I get really turned off also when the guy starts moaning like a girl too. And okay, oral sex is really hot, but when the porn goes onto anal, my mood gets killed so fast I close the window immediately. Anal sex to me is really, really weird. Maybe I'm just not comfortable with it yet, but vaginal intercourse seems a lot more normal to watch.

Anyhow, my insecurity about sex mostly stems from a really embarrassing moment that pretty much traumatized me after. This happened probably freshman year of college. A couple friends and I were at my place for a party, and there was a friend of a friend who I thought was pretty cute, and we were kind of eye-fucking for a bit while playing the lamest game of beer pong ever (we ran out of beer, and so used rum and coke instead, and after like 4 or 5 cups everyone was way too drunk to continue - this is also after a lot of pre-gaming) so I put my hand around her waist and wanted to see how she would react to that. She squeezed my hand, looked at me, and we started making out. Like, right beside the beer pong table. And it was strange because I invited only like friendzoned friends, and everyone expected like a platonic pong night lol, so people were freaking out that that was happening, and so I brought her to my room to just make out a lil more. I was really drunk by then too so I was like fuck it I just want to eat someone's face. I started massaging her breasts over her clothes, then underneath, then I went below and started fingering her, and she was moaning, and it oddly killed a lil of my buzz cos I was thinking 'fuck this is just like porn moaning which i fucken hate' which was weird to me. And she was so horny she tore my pants down and started going down on me. And I started freaking the fuck out. Firstly all my friends out in the living room oddly decided to turn the volume of the music down and I could hear them all talking outside, and there was this girl who was giving me a blowjob, and everything was happening really fast, and...I couldn't perform. The little dude refused to stand at attention. I pushed her away and was like, wait let me just wake the little dude up a lil, and I tried to jerk myself off, but to no avail. She went down on me again. She got up after like 3 minutes and asked me straight up, "Okay so either you're actually this small, or you're gay." I was so scared, I told her, "Um. I'm really tired. I need to pass out." And she gave this really odd bitchy stare thing and said "Jerk" and left my room.

What the fuck? Although I guess I didn't give her what she wanted...anyway I found out the next day that after she left my room, she fucking made out with one of my friends in the living room! And they ended up having sex at his place! What the flying fuck? First, I was pissed with my friend for taking my pseudo-sloppy seconds, and second, I was pissed that the girl was such a horny lil bitch! But anyway the thing is, this whole thing scarred me, and I was REALLY afraid that if I ever get naked with a girl again I wouldn't be able to get hard, so every time sex felt imminent I would just abort mission. Lol.

Man. I sound like the most pathetic creature on earth. I have the sexual experience of a 14 year old. Actually, wait a minute...I've had three sexual encounters with guys though haha...ok yeah. Sexual experience of a 14 year old when it comes to girls, not guys. Sorry I forgot for a second that I'm gay. My bad. Anyhow, all those were all extremely complicated, and I kinda regret them...I'd talk about them another day though.

Another reason why I've always felt different from other people, is my family background. I get really apologetic about this some times, but my parents actually have a lot of money. I'm pretty much one of those trust-fund kids that everyone hates. That's why I get really stressed out some times because I feel pressured to live up to their expectations. I've been really sheltered all my life, and college was probably the first time that I've had to be independent, and I matured a lot there which was great. Like now that I'm back home, my dad was thinking of getting me a new car, and he brought me to a showroom to look at BMW and Audi cabriolets...like really, a fresh grad should not be driving such a car to work. I'd talk about my parents another time about how although I know they don't mean it, they're really one of my biggest sources of stress in my life.

Also randomly, when I was sitting in the beamer with the soft-top off, touching the leather and feeling like the shit, the salesgirl comes over and is all like, "Yeah this car would definitely work towards your favor. A young, good-looking guy like you driving this car would drive all the girls crazy." My dad looked at me and smiled. I kinda gave him a wry smile back. Felt like just leaving the showroom there and then...

...I remember when I was toking with my friends once, one of my friends commented about how cool it would be if there were real-life superheroes and villains. I told them I'd like to be an antihero, and fly around the city with these bombs filled with explosive weed and just throw them all over the city and get everyone stoned and chill as fuck. Someone started laughing and was like, you fucker, that's the Green Goblin. For some reason I couldn't stop laughing after that, and I ate some of those reese's peanut butter cups, and felt so good with these mini chocolate fireworks in my mouth.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Coming out #3

I am blogging way too frequently. Well, that's really because my current situation really sucks! I'm done with school early and I regret doing that now, and my full-time job starts maybe in May or something, and I have so many months to bum around at home! I got lazy and didn't find a temp job or anything too, so I'm completely living off my parents, which is fine really, they probably like having me around. But I'm so bored - hence all the free time to do soul-searching and shit, I got to be active and do something with my life. I'd think about it tomorrow though...lol I procrastinate so much.

So yeah. Finally told my third person, she's my bestest friend at college and is studying abroad right now so I showed her my blog post and she was like aww, I'm proud of you but we all already knew... wow. Damn. My masculinity felt threatened there. But okay, she said it was mainly because every single time I blacked the fuck out at school I would get kinda...handsy with guys I thought were cute. Yeah...really shouldn't have drank so much in college. But honestly that's really just the life of a college kid, everyone binge drinks way too much for their own good. After that we talked a while, she assured me that everyone at school is way fucking laid back and probably would be super chill about me coming out to them, and that was great. She also told me about a friend who is female-to-male and struggled so hard as he went to an all-girls middle school. Man. I have such mad respect for him. I've met him and had no clue at all (the hormones worked really well I guess), and wow. He is such a strong person, especially to have gone through this whole process in such a deeply Confucian country. Mad props. He is now one of those people who inspires me, and is a living testament (of someone that I actually know) that it really does get better.

Also, I don't know why, but I guess it's because I've never told anyone this before, but I told said best friend about all my random awkward bad hookups with guys (and girls) in the past which honestly were pretty scandalous since no one knew at all (at least my guy hookups), and showed her pictures of Matt Bomer and Matt Dallas who are two incredibly attractive people who came out over like the last year or so. Haha.

Anyway, when my sister told my mom about how the fam friend told me that I should 'do something with my life, and that if you're gay you should just come out and say it', my mom actually told my sister to be supportive and not dismissive, in case I really do want to come out. That was actually really heartwarming of my mom to say that. But after my sister told me that, she was like 'I'm so glad you're not gay though so we don't have to worry about that!' (This was because above study abroad best friend told my sister that I've had the sloppiest makeout seshs with girls in frat bathrooms and shit like that wtf) But I think my family has suspected this all along. I mean, I'm a college senior, I'm supposed to be some horndog and I'm not too shabby-looking yet I've never really talked about any girlfriends I had before. Hopefully they'd embrace me for who I am.

I'm switching over to the iPhone 5 tomorrow. I really like my Galaxy S3 but honestly, it's just way too big to put in my pants pocket. I thought I'd be okay with it but I really didn't get used to it, and also it quickly gets very annoying in the morning when I wake up and try to do my lie-in-bed-facebook thing. The screen is way too large for single-hand functioning. I find that more girls than guys use the S3 or the Note actually, mostly because they usually carry a purse/bag with them and can throw their phones in them. I'm not about to carry a man-purse, so iPhone it is!

Also, check this out: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bronnie-ware/top-5-regrets-of-the-dyin_b_1220965.html Rings so true to what I've been feeling lately. I've been feeling more and more optimistic now, but I realize that I can kind of oscillate between moments of optimism and moments of sheer despair. Hopefully shit in my life gets sorted out fast.

"Nice guys finish last"

Everyone is familiar with that saying. The funny thing is, most of my friends, especially female friends, have been telling me that I'm so sweet/gentlemanly/nice. I think it's a thing most closeted gay people kind of do. Either they turn out to be internalized homophobic bullies, or they have this guilt complex and treat everyone really nicely, to kind of apologize for not revealing their 'secret' to others. I know because of my struggle to understand my 'difference' I have become very attuned at observing people, or 'people-watching' I guess. I read people's personalities pretty well, and pretty quickly too. And I am a lot more open-minded and able to empathize with other people who are struggling with any kinds of issues, be it weight problems, or race problems etc.

So in my case, this nice guy did finish last. But that's because this nice guy's actually gay.

Music and blogging

I used to think the xx was really annoying, what with their intentionally subdued spoken-singing, but I actually really like them now. Crystalised, VCR, Basic Space, Angels. And I really like Angels remixed by Jelacee. It's a slower sadder tempo, and has a really gnarly beat.

Things aren't going as good as planned. I planned to tell 4 people this week, but so far the two Skype dates I planned haven't been on schedule, and for some reason I'm freaking out about that. I'm feeling a bit weird now too about this whole thing, really unsure about what the point is about coming clean.

I started this from inspiration really, from other YouTube coming out stories and reading blogs of people going through a somewhat similar situation. It's kinda weird, but I related so much with them, and so I actually tore through all the posts in like, 3-4 days. Pretty fucking creepy I know. bdgatorfan.blogspot.com and socrkid17.blogspot.com were two of such blogs. They went through pretty similar struggles, but were a lot braver than me and actually came out during college itself. I'm now actually done with college (I graduated two quarters early) and am now really debating if I should even tell any of my friends in college because I don't know if I'd see them much from now on (I'm not even in the states anymore). I do talk to them online pretty frequently though. I kind of regret not confronting this issue a lot earlier in my life, it probably would have made my college life a bit more fulfilling (it kind of tapered off after a while because I wasn't getting any action ha)

I'd write freely about things that happened before, and then get back to the present and see how things go on from here.

I also really, really like music. I remember the first time I discovered this song. I was stoned out of my mind and sitting in my room eating one of those wasabi green peas and just enjoying the mini-explosions of spice in my mouth, and I saw this video and it was just amazing. Haha. I know it's ecstasy though, but the herb is equally awesome.

Monday, January 14, 2013

I told my first person ever!

I did it! Haha. Ok it's strange because no one's actually reading this.

I was so nervous the whole day, and couldn't sleep the night before my interview because I kept thinking over and over, playing the scenario over and over in my head on how I was going to tell my friend of 12 years. The interview went really well, I suited up and looked and felt confident, went in, and nailed it! Or at least, I think I did. They loved me. Haha.

I got home, and was so nervous when I thought about what I was going to say to J. My heart was beating really fast. I didn't also know when to broach the subject, but I knew I had to do it today. I gave myself a literal date, Jan 14, to tell my first person, because I knew if I delayed it any longer, I might never tell anyone. We had dinner at my place after going to the country club gym, and then I abruptly told him I was going to give him a ride back to his place.

In the car, man. It was so hard. The words were on the tip of my tongue, but I had to beat about the bush for so long before I finally told him. Then everything came out. And I feel bad about it, because I sprang this on him out from nowhere. And I bawled like a bitch. It was bad. But I honestly feel better now. He was really shocked at first because he said he never knew, and he actually started choking up a lil too because I was crying like a bitch. Lol.

Thanks for listening dude.

I missed my Skype date with the second person I was going to tell. I hope she's not pissed with me, because I was bawling in my car lolol. 

Okay, I don't really know what I'm doing because you guys reading this know that all this happened anyway...But I'm just going to chronicle everything from Jan 14 onwards and my strange and uncertain journey from here onwards.

Struggling with sexuality: my story

Hey there. This is some heavy shit so prepare yourself. But honestly this is the same old story. The last few weeks, or well, months, have been emotionally crazy for me. I’ve cried a lot over the past few months than I’ve ever really done in my life. I don’t really know why I’m writing this, but I feel like I have to. Writing always helped calm me down. Sometimes things would get out of control in my head, and I would curl up in a ball on my bed and wished that everything would stop, that either I would wake up and everything would be okay, or I would not wake up at all. And so I would write here whenever I got to that stage. And it calmed me down. And it made everything more bearable. And it made everything slightly more right. And I would go on with my life.
After summer break, things started to get really bad for me again. It was becoming increasingly clear that I was falling back into my ‘bad place’ once again, of disconnecting myself from everyone else and becoming a recluse. 
My study abroad experience started making me crash really hard. I used to be able to distract myself with schoolwork and academia. As much as I always loudly lamented school, it was a sort of comfort to me, that I could keep my mind so preoccupied with these useless titbits so I could continue to just ignore the root cause of my sadness. Then I went to London, made absolutely no friends there, felt increasingly unmotivated to give a shit about school (pass/fail doesn’t exactly make one shit bricks and study non-stop), and just plummeted. Didn’t help also that my sister didn’t know what was going on with me (not her fault) and always seemed irritated that I was constantly in her way (she goes to school in London). Coming back home now, and with actually no school left, and no friends too (everyone's either back in school, or got by the last few years without me so I constantly feel out of place), I got even worse. Now that I have absolutely nothing to distract myself with, I became increasingly lonely, and became increasingly aware that I was alone.
I think it’s probably pretty clear where I’m going with this whole thing. I’ve always tried to distract myself so I wouldn’t need to deal with it. To deal with the fact that I am gay. I could possibly swing both ways, but yeaaahh I’m definitely a lot more attracted to guys than to girls. I’ve known this for pretty much all my life, probably even including the time as a child that I would run up to girls my age in the mall and just french them on the spot, or at least that’s what my mom recounted to me. 
I was never truly a happy person, maybe on the surface because after many years I perfected the art of acting happy, but never deep down inside. If you block out all the unhappy parts of your life, how can you be anything but present yourself as a trigger happy person to others? But I would go back to the deafening quietness of my room and feel incredibly empty because I could never accept myself. And my mind would play all these little mind tricks on itself, and I was terrified of who I was. I hated who I was. I developed a sense of paranoia that nobody liked me, and that everyone thought I was a freak. Me being gay was the biggest reason why I’ve dealt with self-esteem issues my entire life. I struggled so hard confronting my own sexuality. I did what people in denial pretty much try and do. I told myself that it’s only a phase, that all those awkward moments when I caught myself checking out the other guys at school will pass when I get to high school when I will finally like girls (I went to an all-boys middle school). High school came and eh, nothing changed, so I came to terms with that, but told myself instead that I was never going to come out and will go on with life keeping up pretenses and dating girls and marrying someone eventually. For some reason though I could never really follow through with the whole sex part though. I always froze up whenever a girl made it really clear she wanted my dick. Like I said, I'm really not confident in myself at all.

I lied to myself so much that I created a persona of sharing a lot with my friends about fluffy things about my personal life just to feel like I’m connecting with people, yet deep down I always felt disconnected (hence, my constant cryptic drunken nihilistic convos with some people) and incredibly self-conscious. Every time a friend would tell me “hey this person just told me he thinks you’re gay because you don't seem interested in girls” my stomach would turn inside out and I felt my heart sink. Most of the time, these people didn’t matter, and most of the time, it was also because of the way I dressed (I can’t help but really really want to dress well, like east coast prep style and shit, it's just how I was brought up and raised though) but I was, and still am, so ashamed of myself, I would go back to my room and kind of just claw at my arms. I never cut myself though, but I thought about it a lot. I thought about suicide a lot too, thinking that I had to bring my secret with me to the grave.
I’m not sure if you would ever understand the full extent of how self-debilitating and self-alienating such a ‘problem’ actually is. Unless of course, you're going/you went through a similar situation. It was in high school that I started reading perks of being a wallflower, and the curious incident of the dog in nighttime, and identified so much with the protagonists’ sense of self-alienation that it spiraled me further into social reclusion. Then I started listening to all these really 'sensitive' songs, and I became more and more determined to remain as a 'tortured soul' (It was high school, everyone was trying to fit some kind of fucking genre).
And then I got to college. College was amazing. Frosh year was amazing. I fell in love with my school. This is going to sound really dumb, but it’s honestly the way I just felt. Before college I was really paranoid that I was ‘so gay’ I was unable to connect with normal straight guys, and everyone would know it and out me. Back in high school I pretty much only had female friends (or among the guy friends that I had, half of them were really feminine, half of them were really nerdy and seemed oddly asexual…not trying to be mean but just telling it as it is). But then again, my high school was a college-prep school, and the guys were infinitely nerdier and a lot more intense than the girls. Idk why but it was just like that. But freshman year I had no problems making quite a lot of fratty bro friends at fratty bro parties. Lol. Sure I was friends with most of them mostly due to the ‘international kid (I'm not from the USofA, fyi) who tokes at every single party’ rep that I was developing, sure I didn’t end up keeping in contact with most by the end of college (I grew out of the frat scene, they seemed to be stuck in arrested development), but it reassured me that I wasn’t some alien that everyone thought I was 'too gay' to be friends with. At the end of the day I’m still a normal ‘dude’, and I just wanted to feel like I could actually hang with guys normally. That’s really how fucking pathetic I was - I needed validation from frat guys. Almost rushed one, but decided the hazing was not worth it.
But the real reason why college was amazing was because I made such a wonderful group of friends, that my heart aches knowing now that I probably wouldn’t see most of them very much at all from now on. These friends enjoyed my company, they didn’t judge me for all the goofy stupid shit that I would say or do, and they embraced me for who I was as a person, even as I still didn’t tell anyone about my sexuality and at times lied about it. These groups of friends were honestly the best things that happened to my life so far. They made me feel so comfortable with who I was. They would just ‘be’ there, and chill with me, and include me in things. I finally felt a sense of belonging. This was the first time I felt included. And I wanted to tell someone about myself. But then it always snowballed in my head. I started to think, okay, maybe I should tell this person, but what happens after that? What if the person blabbers to everyone? Would people start not being friends with me? Would people start hating me for something that I had no control over? And what do I even know about being gay anyway? Sure I knew plenty of gay people, but many of them were a lot more effeminate and kind of like 'out there' anyway, so I don't know, it's a different type of struggle.
So I was still really unhappy. I could not understand why ‘god’ made me different, and why I couldn’t just be like every other guy in the world. Honestly, if a ‘straight-conversion’ pill was invented, I’d take it without hesitation. But school, and okay, my increasing usage of alcohol and weed helped made me forget. And I wanted to forget. I got pretty out of control with alcohol though. I used to make myself black out every single time I drank. Not gonna lie when I say that I did that most of the time so that I would be completely incapacitated and get away with shit with ‘yeah he was just a shitshow’. When I say get away with shit, it was either for being unable to seal the deal with the girl I was macking on, or getting kinda handsy with some guys when I got overwhelmingly horny. Sometimes I also did it wishing that I’d just get drunk to death. That, haha, I did not tell at all to the counselor in charge of me after I ended up in the hospital for alcohol poisoning when I was blacked out crying in my boxers in my apartment lobby... I’ve been getting a lot better now but I still do get really bad when I black out. I’ve now decided to drink much, much less, and have also gone to parties much less too. Hopefully as I begin accepting myself I will start treating my liver and my body with more respect.
Over the summer last year, I started to hang out a lot with this incredible girl that I knew from before, but never really had much time before to get to know better. She pretty much made my summer. I would talk to her everyday, ask her out for lunches, and bring her out at night to clubs, we hooked up a lot, had fun, stuff like that. Once a family friend (much older than me) asked me to bring a friend along on a yacht with just her family, and I felt so comfortable with the girl I asked her to come with me (she was busy though). I connected with her so much, even though she was so much younger than me (arguably though all the repression in me really puts my mental age at like 15). But I started feeling incredibly guilty. I wasn't sure if I was going on dates with her because I felt compelled to follow some sort of societal norm, or that I was truly interested in her. I didn’t want her to think that I was just using her to experiment with girls, I didn’t want to also give false hope that anything concrete was going to happen, so frankly, I was kind of relieved that she was going back to school and I was going to be back home. I also definitely still had urges to be with a guy. Looking back I feel so incredibly shitty about the whole thing, even though nothing long-term was ever in the air, but I really should have told her something. I really should have.
So that’s when things started to break down for me. For some reason I’m incapable of being a douchebag (the nice closeted guy syndrome) and this guilt kept haunting me so much, I thought about her almost every day when I was in London, (mostly because my head kept asking me if I could continue this for the rest of my life with a girl) and felt increasingly even more isolated the more I lied to others, leading me to a point a few weeks ago where I honestly started thinking about suicide again because everything would pile up in my head and I honestly just felt so helpless and lost. I actually had this scenario in my head where I would text my sister to not come home, because she would find my body there, and I wanted her to call the ambulance to get it cleared first because I didn’t want her to see me there. 
Anyway, so that's that. I don’t know what to think of the future, or how I should even proceed from here. I don’t know who I should even tell. I don’t know how I’m going to tell my family. Today over dinner my brother grumbled that he will never understand girls, and my dad said something about how maybe that’s why your elder brother never had a girlfriend too.  I didn’t know what to do. That’s probably true anyway, although more anatomically than anything else, haha… There are times when my sister/brother would point out someone to me ‘he’s so gay it’s gross’ and I didn’t know what to do too. Or the time when a family friend brought my sister and I out to dinner and told me that I need to know what I want to do in life (I’ve pretty much used investment banking as a metaphor for people wanting me to be something that I’m not), and that if I am gay, I should be unafraid and come out, but whatever it is I needed to do something in my life. I fucking hated that night so much I couldn’t hide how much it affected me from my sister. I was so quiet and seething with anger. It wasn’t the fam friend’s position at all to tell me to come out especially not in front of her husband and my sister, she doesn’t fucking understand how difficult it is. It’s not a switch that you just flick and say ‘Hey world, I’m out!’ That was probably the start of it all, where I would cry at night for no fucking reason. I’m slowly trying to find the courage within me to ‘man up’ and accept myself for who I am, but it’s been an extremely slow process so far. I still feel very weird that I’m admitting this, and I feel weird that I even like guys in the first place.
‘We accept the love we think we deserve.’ I’ve always thought that everyone that mattered to me deserved all the happiness in the world because they were truly great people, but I deserved nothing because I happen to like guys. Hopefully I’d be able to give myself an easier time from now on. Sorry for all the times that I was with my guy friends and they’d talk about girls/checking girls out/hookup stories and I’d be really quiet and weird about everything. Sorry for all the times that I talked of things that were half-lies to appear ‘normal’. I’m taking baby steps in coming out and accepting myself. It’s about time; I think I would have gone crazy if I bottled this up for any longer. Hopefully one day I can truly love myself.
It’s really sad that something that I completely had no control over would haunt me for the bulk of my life and make me feel so uncomfortable with truly opening myself up to those around me. It’s also really sad that many people out there are going to immediately hate me for something that completely doesn’t affect them. I’m not sure how these changes things, but as Dr. Seuss said, those who mind don’t matter and those who matter won’t mind. Other than the fact that it is now becoming a really cliched phrase, it provides food for thought. At the end of the day, this is only a small part of who I am, and it really should not wholly define me as a person. 
I’ve been avoiding my problems and hurting inside for too long now. I’ve finally decided to face the issue and take back control of my life and start properly treasuring myself for who I really am. And I'm starting this by sharing them with you, just to make this process more real and tangible instead of being something just in my head. And hopefully I’d be a lot less messed up one day. One can only hope.