This is awesome. Hahah. First I got a fb message from a friend who was grumbling to me that she hates her life because everyone's at the senior bar crawl and she didn't manage to find a fake in time. I told her uhh, your life isn't that bad, and kind of just came out to her over facebook. Kinda impersonal I know. She was extremely supportive (seriously everyone has been so far) and told me that she's always really happy and jealous of people who manage to do successful soul-searching (I think she's pretty damaged actually - her choices in men have been pretty suspect in college, but she hasn't really opened up to me about anything, maybe this might make her feel more comfortable) and was honored that I told her. Which is a funny thing to me, being "honored" that your friend told you he's gay, but yeah I guess it makes sense.
Met two of my buds I told about me being gay last night at a bar (I haven't seen them since I told them a couple days ago), and after maybe 5-10 minutes of awkward small talk, they started loosening up a bit and went back to their old selves. They told me that they honestly didn't see it coming when I came out to them but that they were totally cool about it. They also were asking me all sorts of funny questions, which was awesome. One of my friends asked, who would you fuck, Judi Dench or Ryan Gosling? He looked at me and said 'well okay your answer is obvious' and he said that he would probably do Gosling too, and if that makes him a lil gay so be it ahahah. He asked my other friend, and my friend actually said Judi Dench!!! LMAO that's some sick shit no offense to Mdm. Dench she's a great actress but maaannn.
So they were really curious about my previous hookup stories, because I've not told them anything about any guys/girls from before. After reading all these blogs that I've subscribed to, I realize that I have one of the most pathetic and weirdest hookup history. I don't know how I get myself into these situations, but there was once when this chick was helping her friend puke in a frathouse bathroom. I asked her if her friend was alright, and she said yeah she'd be okay. Literally 2 minutes of talking later, she ditched her friend and started making out with me. And her friend was kneeling over the toilet bowl and saying "Seriously? I'm vomming here! You're such a bitch!" I told them about another time also when I went up to this 50-year-old-ish woman with blond spiked hair dancing by herself at the bar and I told my friend that it'll be funny if I went up and talked to her. I said something about how I admire how she's so comfortable with her age for being in such an otherwise younger crowd (I know, I was such a dick, I was pretty wasted), and for some reason she decided that she'd show me that she was still "young and down for anything" and grabbed me in and ate my face. I was so drunk I didn't stop her, and apologized for offending her, and was actually gonna continue talking to her until my friend pulled me aside and said "what the motherfuck did you just make out with a grandma?" and it hit me and I ran outside and puked everything out. This was the single most FUCKING DISGUSTING make-out sesh I've ever had in my life I swear I had nightmares for a week.
We left the bar laughing and got to 7-Eleven to buy a couple beers and I started talking smack about how one of my friends bought cider instead and I said "Wow even I think cider is a bitch drink" and he was like "whatever asshole" hah. We sat on a bench to continue shooting the shit (the bar got too noisy). I asked my friend about why he fucked the girl that was clearly my pseudo-sloppy seconds and he was like, "Hey dude. She threw herself at me. I know it wasn't bro but I had no choice." We were laughing at that time but honestly some times it's strange thinking about the psyche of guys, that they think that they really have no choice but to have sex with someone, or to cheat on a spouse, or rape someone just because of the way they dress. I know my friend's a good kid, but it's still kinda unsettling really. They asked if I've ever been in a relationship with a guy, and that's where it was a little tricky to answer.
I went to a private all-boys middle school with both of them (and also high school after that, but there were girls then), and I never really thought about it, but it kinda makes sense that since there are double the number of guys, there should, statistically, be double the number of gay/bi-curious/bi guys too. There were a couple of guys in my classes that belonged to the good-looking athletic jock type. There was one guy on the basketball team that would always turn around during math class and just stared at me, some times for 10 seconds. It unnerved me a lot because I thought he was reading my mind and knew that I was checking the guys out in class (when I was young I believed in superpowers and thought that some people could mind-read). He wasn't very tall (I mean, we were in middle school) but he was really tanned and pretty cut. This staring thing went on for quite a while, and after a while I texted him to quit it because it was making me uncomfortable. He texted back and said that he liked making me feel uncomfortable. Right... There was a field trip once and on the bus he sat right beside me, and out of nowhere started holding my hand. I didn't know what to do so I didn't actually react or anything. I did though when he tried to lean in to kiss me. I got pissed and asked him what was he doing? He laughed and confessed that the basketball team thought that it would be funny to pull a prank on me like that.
That was like a huge slap on my face and all interest I had in basketball has been nada since then. For weeks I was really withdrawn from everyone, thinking that everyone was making fun about me being gay. When I told my friends about this last night, they told me that Basketball Kid has always been a lil 'off' and that he probably lied about the prank thing after I didn't reciprocate his lean-in. Apparently he got really desperate in college to find a girlfriend and I saw pictures of his girlfriend now and she's kinda meh. So I had a revelation that woah, maybe all these years I had it all wrong.
In junior high, this guy who was a little more on the feminine side, wrote me a 5-page letter confessing his love to me and that he is "really confused as this is completely unprecedented" but that he knows that he loves me. That was really disturbing because I was pretty good friends with him and hung out with him a lot, and I realized that I was horrible at picking up all his signals. I also wasn't attracted to him, and so yeah, that was really weird...
The only real hookup thing with a guy though was in junior high too, and he was really athletic and lean (I guess I have a type). He actually ended up being what I guess I can consider as my first (and only) relationship, but things ended on a sour note after he started getting really panicky about people finding out (turns out no one really did talk about us though, cept a few gay guys with fucking ace gaydar). I don't even know how these things even start, because we have almost no mutual friends yet we hung out quite a lot (He belonged to the typical jock clique and I was more with the smart and goofy kids). Not gonna lie, but this was an incredibly hot but confusing time for me. We would go about our classes just being acquaintances and saying 'what's up' and stuff, but whenever any of us got horny, we would text the other and write "Bathroom break?" We were balls-deep out of our minds for doing this in the school bathroom, but we just went at it, making out and furiously unbuttoning each other and jerking each other off. This went on for a couple months. There was once he went to the hospital for some minor surgery, and I visited him, and while sitting by his hospital bed he told me to kiss him. The nurse was right there by the adjacent bed. I was freaking out but he kept egging me on. So I did, and then he took a magazine out and propped it up, and took his dick out from underneath the fly of his scrubs and egged me on to jerk him off. I think it is safe to say that we were only thinking with our dicks and not our heads because after that we went to the stairwell and I actually blew him...I know. Who does that in a hospital? But I think we were both seeking the thrill of trying not to get caught, and it was a lot of fun.
While our relationship was probably 90% horniness, we did connect to an extent. We texted all the time, acting like normal bros, dissing each other and shit, yet slipping in mushy good morning and good night messages. Then one day this really feminine person in our lit class (pretty sure he's gay with really good gaydar, he started suspecting both of us) came into the bathroom when we were in the same stall just going at it, and he looked underneath the stalls. "I see four feet in the same stall! (My name), are you in there with (Athletic Dude)???" Athletic Dude shouted back really pissed, "What do you want you fucker" and so the guy left, but that changed everything. He told me that things were starting to get really weird for him, and said that it was better if we stopped it all permanently. That was bad. He completely pretended not to know me after that. I actually haven't talked to him since, because I was really mad with him that he didn't even want to talk about how we should talk to the asshole snooper and shit. And also he made it seem like I was responsible for everything that happened. Wasn't fair at all bro, although granted I did get kind of clingy and begged him for one last break-up hook-up sesh... yeah, I'm never doing that again it's pretty fucking pathetic. Hormones, man, what can I say.
So anyway, I guess it was the alcohol, but I told my two friends about all that too. Well, not everything of course, I left out all the horny stuff haha and wrote it all here. I guess I really trust them both enough to share this with them, because after all we've been friends for 10 years and I know they got my back and I got theirs too. All this made middle and high school pretty messy for me too. They told me that they never knew I was going through some weird shit because I always projected this image of being always happy and all. They also teased me for being a horny dickwad, which is kinda true I guess, heh.
After that it started pouring and my friend's girlfriend was nice and drove over to pick us up. In the car I decided to tell my 6th person. I told her that I had something important to tell her. She asked me if I got a girl pregnant. I said no, that would probably complicate matters a lot more...heh. Then she asked if I killed someone and needed legal counsel (she's a lawyer), I said no. Finally, she just straight up asked me, "Well, what is it? You like dick?" Everyone in the car laughed. I laughed too. I said, "Okay yes, I like dick." And everyone laughed again. She said she suspected it before (goddamn so far 3 out of 4 girls told me that they've questioned it before; it really seems that girls are either more aware, or that they gossip about people a lot. Also honestly it is the worst thing ever to tell a closet case that you "knew all along" because that makes all the worst fears of the fucking closet being non-existent in the first place come true, and that is just fucking mean and insensitive) because there was a girl that really wanted to get on my d but I ignored every single one of her advances. I told her about how the last few months got really bad for me, and I was close to depression, but now that I've taken steps to address this I should be a lot happier from now on. Now this girl is really irreverent (some times I like that a lot, some times I really don't) and so she starts squealing and telling me that I should come out to a gay club with them one night (She and her group of friends are pretty much fag hags) and told me that I shouldn't be depressed and "dramatic" - that I should chill out and not freak out just because I like guys. Yeah, that was offensive. I'm not being "dramatic" when I thought about killing myself...or maybe I was...I don't know.
The girl then dropped me and my other friend off at my place, and she took off with her dude. This friend and I used to do loads of sleepovers at my place, even up till a couple weeks ago he would crash on my bed with me (it's a big bed) whenever we had too much to drink and he didn't want to cab it back home. It made me really happy because he crashed on my bed with me this time too, and that meant that me coming out to him didn't really change anything between us. Man, I love him and my other mate too, they're honestly such bros to me.
Looking back though, I honestly think that I should have definitely confronted my sexuality a lot earlier. Everyone pretty much doesn't give a shit. The world hasn't ended. I probably would also have a lot more time to fool around with guys, heh. I guess now it's still not too late too though. I'm feeling pretty optimistic for 2013.