So I told my fourth person. She was really supportive actually, and told me she was proud that I am beginning to accept myself. She also did tell me that she also did suspect in the past because I never really seemed interested in girls too...
Ok so this kinda makes me really pissed off. For some reason I feel like it kind of sucks that people have really been talking behind my back about me, and that I wasn't just being paranoid about it. Although, ok, I get it, three years in college, and I didn't have sex with a single girl. There were definitely times when I almost did though. But I would usually freak out, and bounce. And these two girls that I told (along with two other guys) were my core group of friends so they knew everything about me, so I guess it made sense.
So why I'm pretty pissed off was because of my guilt complex thing I felt really insecure about myself, and hence never really had the balls to actually properly have sex with a girl. I mean, how would I know for sure I wouldn't enjoy it? Some times I do fantasize about having sex with girls, but it's always a little strange in my head though, it's always with Megan Fox. Or Olivia Wilde. Lol. I think they're super hot. And Fox is so openly bisexual. And Wilde always plays bisexual girls on TV. That's hot too. And so I start watching straight porn. But all these female pornstars are all really weird, they moan like a chicken, or at least that's what my gay mind tells me, and it's a huge turn-off, and most of them actually have some kind of 'ugly' in their face...I don't know how to describe it. It's like they're kinda 'hood'. There was this girl in my dorm frosh year that was kinda cute but also was kinda off...and my friend told me that she totally looked like a pornstar, cos she had that bit of 'ugly' in her face, and so that phrase stuck with me.
So my blogging kind of sucks, I go off on all these tangents...but anyway, speaking about porn, whenever I watch gay porn, I get really turned off also when the guy starts moaning like a girl too. And okay, oral sex is really hot, but when the porn goes onto anal, my mood gets killed so fast I close the window immediately. Anal sex to me is really, really weird. Maybe I'm just not comfortable with it yet, but vaginal intercourse seems a lot more normal to watch.
Anyhow, my insecurity about sex mostly stems from a really embarrassing moment that pretty much traumatized me after. This happened probably freshman year of college. A couple friends and I were at my place for a party, and there was a friend of a friend who I thought was pretty cute, and we were kind of eye-fucking for a bit while playing the lamest game of beer pong ever (we ran out of beer, and so used rum and coke instead, and after like 4 or 5 cups everyone was way too drunk to continue - this is also after a lot of pre-gaming) so I put my hand around her waist and wanted to see how she would react to that. She squeezed my hand, looked at me, and we started making out. Like, right beside the beer pong table. And it was strange because I invited only like friendzoned friends, and everyone expected like a platonic pong night lol, so people were freaking out that that was happening, and so I brought her to my room to just make out a lil more. I was really drunk by then too so I was like fuck it I just want to eat someone's face. I started massaging her breasts over her clothes, then underneath, then I went below and started fingering her, and she was moaning, and it oddly killed a lil of my buzz cos I was thinking 'fuck this is just like porn moaning which i fucken hate' which was weird to me. And she was so horny she tore my pants down and started going down on me. And I started freaking the fuck out. Firstly all my friends out in the living room oddly decided to turn the volume of the music down and I could hear them all talking outside, and there was this girl who was giving me a blowjob, and everything was happening really fast, and...I couldn't perform. The little dude refused to stand at attention. I pushed her away and was like, wait let me just wake the little dude up a lil, and I tried to jerk myself off, but to no avail. She went down on me again. She got up after like 3 minutes and asked me straight up, "Okay so either you're actually this small, or you're gay." I was so scared, I told her, "Um. I'm really tired. I need to pass out." And she gave this really odd bitchy stare thing and said "Jerk" and left my room.
What the fuck? Although I guess I didn't give her what she wanted...anyway I found out the next day that after she left my room, she fucking made out with one of my friends in the living room! And they ended up having sex at his place! What the flying fuck? First, I was pissed with my friend for taking my pseudo-sloppy seconds, and second, I was pissed that the girl was such a horny lil bitch! But anyway the thing is, this whole thing scarred me, and I was REALLY afraid that if I ever get naked with a girl again I wouldn't be able to get hard, so every time sex felt imminent I would just abort mission. Lol.
Man. I sound like the most pathetic creature on earth. I have the sexual experience of a 14 year old. Actually, wait a minute...I've had three sexual encounters with guys though haha...ok yeah. Sexual experience of a 14 year old when it comes to girls, not guys. Sorry I forgot for a second that I'm gay. My bad. Anyhow, all those were all extremely complicated, and I kinda regret them...I'd talk about them another day though.
Another reason why I've always felt different from other people, is my family background. I get really apologetic about this some times, but my parents actually have a lot of money. I'm pretty much one of those trust-fund kids that everyone hates. That's why I get really stressed out some times because I feel pressured to live up to their expectations. I've been really sheltered all my life, and college was probably the first time that I've had to be independent, and I matured a lot there which was great. Like now that I'm back home, my dad was thinking of getting me a new car, and he brought me to a showroom to look at BMW and Audi cabriolets...like really, a fresh grad should not be driving such a car to work. I'd talk about my parents another time about how although I know they don't mean it, they're really one of my biggest sources of stress in my life.
Also randomly, when I was sitting in the beamer with the soft-top off, touching the leather and feeling like the shit, the salesgirl comes over and is all like, "Yeah this car would definitely work towards your favor. A young, good-looking guy like you driving this car would drive all the girls crazy." My dad looked at me and smiled. I kinda gave him a wry smile back. Felt like just leaving the showroom there and then...
...I remember when I was toking with my friends once, one of my friends commented about how cool it would be if there were real-life superheroes and villains. I told them I'd like to be an antihero, and fly around the city with these bombs filled with explosive weed and just throw them all over the city and get everyone stoned and chill as fuck. Someone started laughing and was like, you fucker, that's the Green Goblin. For some reason I couldn't stop laughing after that, and I ate some of those reese's peanut butter cups, and felt so good with these mini chocolate fireworks in my mouth.