I'm having a minor panic attack because I'm beginning to realize that the more I'm coming out to people, the worse I actually feel because everyone (at least all the girls) is saying that they knew all along. How the fuck does that make me feel? Although I'm not Rambo or anything, I've always thought (or wanted to think) that I'm pretty masculine. Like my voice isn't high-pitched, I don't have a limp wrist, and I don't strut or anything. There is this deep-set paranoia in me that being gay means that I'm less masculine, and for some fucking reason it makes me feel really insecure.
I know I'm not a regular "dude." I don't drink much beer, I don't watch sports, I don't know much about cars, I don't know how to repair things, I don't really exercise, I'm small (I'm 5' 9" and only a 130 lbs), I don't have much facial/body hair (this is genetic), and yeah I'm not into pussy. I know all these are fucking dated stereotypes, but I've always just wanted to be normal and fit in with the guys. And not doing any of the above made me feel mad shitty. I wanted people to feel that I was just like other guys, and not anything "different."
Now I know that my paranoia is not unfounded. Everyone has been talking behind my back. Everyone thinks that I'm really feminine, or a step further - that I'm a girl. Maybe it is feminine to be so emotional and worked up about all this. What the fuck is going on in my head now? Why am I getting more and more insecure about my masculinity? This is getting worse and worse.