Saturday, January 19, 2013

Masculinity insecurities

I'm having a minor panic attack because I'm beginning to realize that the more I'm coming out to people, the worse I actually feel because everyone (at least all the girls) is saying that they knew all along. How the fuck does that make me feel? Although I'm not Rambo or anything, I've always thought (or wanted to think) that I'm pretty masculine. Like my voice isn't high-pitched, I don't have a limp wrist, and I don't strut or anything. There is this deep-set paranoia in me that being gay means that I'm less masculine, and for some fucking reason it makes me feel really insecure.

I know I'm not a regular "dude." I don't drink much beer, I don't watch sports, I don't know much about cars, I don't know how to repair things, I don't really exercise, I'm small (I'm 5' 9" and only a 130 lbs), I don't have much facial/body hair (this is genetic), and yeah I'm not into pussy. I know all these are fucking dated stereotypes, but I've always just wanted to be normal and fit in with the guys. And not doing any of the above made me feel mad shitty. I wanted people to feel that I was just like other guys, and not anything "different."

Now I know that my paranoia is not unfounded. Everyone has been talking behind my back. Everyone thinks that I'm really feminine, or a step further - that I'm a girl. Maybe it is feminine to be so emotional and worked up about all this. What the fuck is going on in my head now? Why am I getting more and more insecure about my masculinity? This is getting worse and worse.

Fuck everyone.

1 comment:

  1. hey man
    you're not alone in this!
    i havent come out yet but it pisses me off just thinking that some people may tell me that they 'always knew' about me..uh, fuck you it's not like i have GAY written on my fucking forehead.

    im not feminine at all either, or maybe i just think so?

    i fall more on the geeky scale of stereotypes, like..i read and play a lot of videogames and watch a TON of TV series and movies
    i suck at most team sports although i do swim and watch some NFL too.

    im not very artsy, im more into science..i dont like fashion or madonna, which i guess are.like the epitome of gayness.(i once heard that a gay guy told another that of he hadnt heard the new madonna song he had to get out of the club, i mean wtf?)

    i think all this speculation comes mostly because most girls are gossipy and obssesed with other people's lives. they start speculating and looking for things to talk about. like if they knew you ignored the advances of that girl and she wasnt ugly..instead of thinking that you were into some other girl, they go for the gay story obviously. its juicier. its like the stuff you see on magazine covers and shit. ugh i hate tabloids

    being gay doesnt make you any less of a man than any other guy, neither do any of the things you do or like (except guys, cause, well..yeah...lol)
    if anything it makes you even more of a man for having the balls to admit to yourself and others who you really are and being brave enough to confront this fucked up world this way, come what may.

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