Sunday, January 20, 2013

Demons

My friend's girlfriend told me to stop being so dramatic when I told her that I struggled really hard and considered suicide. She said I need to chill out because it isn't a big deal that I like guys. Other than her boyfriend, 90% of the guy friends that she has are gay. She's a total fag hag, and goes out to gay clubs all the time, and even told her boyfriend once that she wished he was a "little gay" so that things would be more exciting.

I told her to fuck off, she doesn't know me. She apologized and said she didn't mean it that way, but I think it's unfair that she thinks it's no big deal for everyone, especially since as a straight person she will never understand the inner demons that people in the closet constantly fight with. Just because all her gay friends are completely out and proud, it does not mean that I share the same feelings. Hopefully one day I would be completely comfortable with myself, but I'm not there yet. She also wanted to throw me a coming out party. Motherfucking shit.

I feel really lame but I needed assurance. I asked my best friend at college to be honest and say if she thought I was girly, and she said no not at all, no one could guess other than she and my other close friend who I've both known since freshman year, and she said it's purely because I never seemed all that interested in girls, but they never asked me about it because they weren't exactly sure since I wasn't the portrayed "stereotype." She did say a couple of girls did ask her if I am though, but that's because they literally threw themselves at me at sorority formals and what not and I didn't hook up with them although honestly I thought they asked me to be their dates for their formals as purely friends, and not anything more...maybe I'm really dumb. In fact none of the mutual gay friends that we have ever asked her about me. She also said that I do dress a bit much for a "straight" guy though ("you're a metrosexual that's incidentally homosexual"), since I tailored my suit and most of my dress shirts, and have polos and chinos in many colors, but that honestly isn't a bad thing since most dudes dress like shit, and I don't wear femme or anything.

I felt really stupid after asking her this though. She told me that regardless of anything, I should really stop caring so much about how other people view me. She said I need to be a lot more confident about my masculinity, and that I should stop caring so much about dated gender stereotypes. She also told me that I shouldn't feel stupid and feel like "a girl" for asking her the above question because she doesn't like it that guys feel the need to bottle up everything all the time.

I'm going to try to care less from now on. It's not going to be an overnight thing for sure, I mean I did spend my entire life deathly self-conscious about what other people thought about me; I'm not going to wake up tomorrow and be all I don't give a fuck what anyone says. It's all a huge work-in-progress. I know I'm going to pull through though.


1 comment:

  1. Honestly, I would've told her to fuck off too.
    She has no right to tell you how you should feel about any of this..especially because she's not gay. Fag hags annoy me

    I also used to care a lot about what people thought about me, but i've let that go with time. I still do care sometimes, but not as much as before.

    Absolutely love Imagine Dragons btw!

    ReplyDelete