My mind is doing its usual shit of mindfucking itself to death. I've read a couple more blogs now, like secretsofanallamerican.blogspot.com and closetcase3498.blogspot.com (this dude's blog is pretty much defunct but he is an extremely legit writer so very worth checking out) and yes, I'm very much addicted to these blogs. It is a sort of guilty pleasure; I feel like I'm connecting so much with all their troubles, and on top of that, there is some vicarious "Fifty Shades of Grey" element to all their stories too. Not gonna lie but dude, some shit that they write are really hot.
It's all pretty awesome, except that I've come to the conclusion that this entire sexuality-figuring out thing is an extremely long process, because after 2-3 years of blog posts it seems like most of these guys have probably only figured half of their shit out. Thank god though that I'm probably a lot more gay than bi. Before, I always thought it was much easier to be bisexual, because at least you can lead a 'normal life' with a wife and kids. Reading the aforementioned two blogs, it seems so much harder though.
I have put a halt on my coming out process. I have told 4 people, and am now extremely unsure if I should proceed by telling more.
There has always been three big (maybe irrational) fears that I had about coming out:
1) This isn't really a fear, but I have subjected myself to a life of such self-loathing that I convinced myself that the punishment to myself would be that I must never be happy, ever. I'm not even religious - I have no clue why I think this way. And the 'fear' is that if I broke this pattern, I would be giving myself so much more than I deserve. I know, it's really fucking sad that I think this way, but I still have an overwhelming guilt complex about having homosexual thoughts.
2) I live in an extremely socially conservative country that has seen itself perfect its niche of churning out cookie-cutter academic drones one after the other like clockwork. This was why growing up I was so disenchanted with the people around me. Everyone was incredibly motivated to chase after paper qualifications, but everyone seemed infinitely mundane too. I am almost certain that no one would be okay with me being gay in my country. All my out gay friends here (they are more of the feminine genre) have either relegated themselves to only gay-friendly professions (read: theater and fashion) but still seem overwhelmingly unhappy. The other half have checked out and bounced out of the motherland. I actually love my country a lot, but I am tired of the dated social mindsets that people here have. That's probably why I was adamant to go to the USofA for college, but turns out that many people in the Midwest are actually really conservative and kind of...ignorant, no offense.
3) My parents. I feel that I have SO much to live up to, it's honestly very overwhelming some times. My mom quit her job when I was in sixth grade because I was doing badly at school. Although she probably did do me a favor because she clamped down on me and got me to focus (I've always suspected I have ADHD actually), this was an early signal in my life that I was such a smattering screw-up my mom had to quit her job for me. Nowadays she still jokes about that, about how I ruined her career and stuff like that. It actually does get to me, though she doesn't think so.
Growing up, I saw how my dad became extremely successful at his job, and the tangible benefits that he was amassing with this success. I grew up with a chauffeur, and two domestic helpers for the bulk of my life, even up till this day. My sense of standing on my own two feet has long atrophied. While my dad wasn't entirely an absent father back in the day, he did travel a lot, and he compensated by giving me absolutely anything that I wanted. If it was anyone else, they'd probably end up as the stereotypical trust fund kid and demand more and more, while developing a really warped view of the world. Funnily though, I didn't turn out completely that way, because the entire time I have been feeling so wracked with guilt that my dad is giving me whatever I want and in return I am not their "perfect son" because I am gay. I've always felt incredibly uncomfortable with this. He just bought me a beamer, again, just because I'm "home now, and will be for a while." I got really annoyed when he said that; it was clear many of these luxuries he was giving to me had some kind of invisible emotional contract that I was signing. He is also convinced that I cannot possibly live without all these luxuries, and therefore owe it all to him and my mom. I honestly can do without all these luxuries, but the very fact that he still buys all these things still makes me feel that I should still have the decency to do what they want me to do in life.
So I studied really hard (actually, nah, I really didn't, I'm good with taking tests) and got into a really good college. It's not an ivy, but it's pretty close to one. I studied economics even though I have no interest in the economy, and ended up getting into a finance program that's really competitive and shit like that, because my parents always wanted me to be an investment banker. Junior year I started applying to all those bulgebullshitbracket firms in all the big cities on the East/West Coasts to land myself "the golden internship," but the economy sucked mighty donkey balls, and with each rejection I started getting more and more disheartened and awash with self-doubt, wondering if I could even see myself doing investment banking. I was just, stuck really, and didn't know what I wanted to do. I called my dad, and told him I wasn't sure if I should be doing banking, since clearly I don't even seem to be making the cut anyway (granted most of these banks aren't actually hiring anyone), and he told me not to worry and that he'll "settle it."
Through some connections of his, I landed a summer internship with a big bank. He didn't even talk to me about my uncertainty about doing banking. He just straight up decided for me that I was doing it for the summer. I was both relieved, because I had an internship at last, but also very numbed by this. Once again, I wasn't living for myself. I went through the internship, I worked all those long hours and honestly, after finishing it I felt like I learned absolutely nothing. The whole finance world felt like bullshit to me. Sure, the partying was insane though. Models and bottles. I'm not kidding you when I would say every Thursday was Models' Night at this swanky club, and there would be so many bottles of Moet and Dom at the table all through the weekends I was intoxicated by this whole lifestyle. But I still felt really disconnected from it all. Senior winter came, and conforming just like everyone else was, I was searching for a job in the finance industry (literally everyone at my college wanted to be in the finance/consulting sector). Turns out that I probably was absolute shit at my previous summer internship, because I didn't get a return offer. So I tried applying for other banks again, but this time because of a certain deja vu from junior year, I felt really uneasy. I kept thinking, this isn't who I am... and I started feeling unsure about everything else in my life. I started latching all my uncertainties about the personal aspects of my life (i.e. my sexuality) onto my potential professional aspects, and panicked.
My parents would tell me that I am so unmotivated in life, that I am not "hungry to succeed." Honestly I have always been hungry to succeed, but I have been hungry to succeed for them, and now I want to be hungry to succeed for myself since I haven't figured any shit out for myself. My mom would tell me that I'm being really ungrateful for not at least trying out what my dad really wants me to do at least for a couple months/years, before telling him that it honestly isn't for me. So I broke down one day and called my dad and told him I don't know what I want to do with my life, and that if I told him that I honestly do not think that investment banking is right for me, would he still love me as his son? I know, to you readers, you're like "Ha! I see what you did there." Because I was actually choking up with tears on the phone, my dad finally realized that maybe I really didn't want to do that, and so he told me that he loves me, and that I do not have to do banking if I do not want to do so, and that I should pursue other options that I know I want and like.
Except I do not know what I want and like. How do people figure these things out??? My entire life I worked towards a career in banking, and knew about nothing else. I contemplated taking a gap year to figure shit out in my life, cos I was so confused about everything, but my mom told me that unless I can justify that gap year to 'future employers' I should not take one, as it is very damaging for the resume. I wanted the gap year to find myself sexually, but obviously I wasn't going to/ready to tell them that, so I scrapped that idea, but I was still in a job rut.
The interview that I mentioned at the start of my blog was once again, through an introduction from a friend of my dad's.
I'm a royal fuck-up. I don't know how I'd deal being a royal gay fuck-up. Worst son ever? Yeah, probably.