Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Why I'm so shallow

I guess blogger is a no-judging zone, so I'd just write this all here. This actually makes me more uncomfortable than the gay thing.

I was talking to Jay earlier today who's a really chill blogger mate of mine now ahaa, and I realized that although I'd like to think that I'm pretty sophisticated, I'm actually a really shallow person. I always get really defensive when people tell me that I'm shallow, although it's so easy to tell from the way I talk about people. I treat my friends who are better-looking, more well-dressed, more popular, and wealthier, better than those who are not. I'm shallow because I have all these entrenched insecurities about myself, and I somehow project all these insecurities on everyone else that I interact with. I know that I am able to hold a tune, but I have never tried to learn music (I can't read scores or play any instruments, or even remotely understand pitch or beat) because I remember a long time ago when I first watched American Idol and I told my dad that one of these days I want to audition for something like that, he told me that I would have to work very hard because my voice is nothing special. I remember how he used to tell me that I have to be bolder with girls and make the first move, because I'm not good-looking and cannot expect them to come to me. When I wanted to get contact lenses, he told me I should stick with glasses because it hides "parts of my face" and makes it look more proportional. All this happened when I was probably 13-16. When I was really young, I came out of a taekwondo lesson once crying and saying I wanted to go home, and he told me that I was a girl for crying, because displaying emotions is not a manly thing. When I got older, especially in college, he would tell me that I am a weakling who cannot do an honest day's work (of investment banking). I started going to the gym because he commented a lot on my skinniness, and how I have no "pecs at all." After I started taking protein shakes to bulk up for a while, he started telling me that I've become fat now, and that my face is really chubby and that I should stop taking protein shakes. He also told me that I'm really whitewashed for wanting to stay in the states, and that he would pretty much disown me if I chose to.

The scary thing is how everyone is always saying I look exactly like my dad, how I'm a "chip off the old block." I never liked hearing that. But I guess I soon also learned that I was never good enough for my dad, that I wasn't the perfect son, physically, emotionally, and everything else.

I honestly don't know why my friends are friends with me. I look at myself and think that I'm nothing special at all. I was clearing up a few things in my room and I found a card that the underclassmen wrote for my graduation thing. Everyone said that I'm really funny and crazy. I guess those are my two redeeming qualities.

When I was a kid and discovered the wondrous phenomenon of steam on the bathroom mirror, I remember there was once I wiped the steam off everything else but an oval portion to cover my face. I wanted to see how I looked faceless. Heh. I'm an incredibly sad creature.

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