Thursday, February 28, 2013

Happy pills

Wow. So I'm not sure if the pills have crack in them or it's all just psychological, but I feel a lot more positive now. Just last week the same stuff that I do this week depressed me, but this week it's different (does that make sense?). I have been sleeping a lot more now. I don't cry for whatever reason anymore. The first two days I had a bit of nausea, and when I woke up I felt fuzzy and pretty stoned in fact, it was cool. The high has worn off now.

Friday night was a blur. I found myself sitting and crying in the bushes by the road after ditching my friends, then I got home, and I told myself to stop crying but I couldn't. And my mom felt really helpless, and I know seeing me like that hurt her a lot. I said a lot of things, but I don't really remember what I said. The next day she got me to see a psychiatrist. It was hard talking to him, because I was hungover and very thirsty throughout.

I've always been a pretty disconnected individual, and I thought that my sense of isolation stemmed from hiding in the closet. When I saw that things were going bad for me again a few months ago, I wanted to kind of power through the whole coming out process in just a few short weeks, hoping that I would be liberated and finally feel happy. But I never really did get the whole denouement that others who came out seemed to get - I still felt incredibly sad and burdened. And maybe my head took this "failure" too hard, and pushed me into "clinical depression." I don't know. I'm a lot better now though.

My parents have been tiptoeing around this "crazy" kid over here, frequently checking in on me and asking "how do you feel today?" etc. It's nice I guess. I downloaded the DVD for Perks of Being A Wallflower, and this second time round, I absolutely loved it. It gives me so much hope, and I think it does in fact do the book justice (the first time I saw it I thought it did the book a huge disservice).

I saw Ellie Goulding a few days ago. She is amazing. I was so happy. She is honestly the only girl I would marry, hah. She's so cool, seriously. I'm linking one of her songs here.

I'm starting work next week. There's a gym in the building, and I'm hoping that I'd have time to continue going to the gym and everything...might be hard with a job. I just started this whole gym thing though. Never really cared since I find it almost impossible to pack on any mass. I might invest in protein powder now though. Or I might just quit this whole thing. Or I might become vegan and start meditating. Who knows.


This is a picture of my scrawny-ass self (ignore the inappropriate crotch grab there). Wow, my first ever guyswithiphones type of shot.  Hopefully I'd be able to post up a more swoll pic in half a year or something (if I keep this up).

This is one of her slower songs.

This is a more upbeat electronic song. Man. She's like sensitive but also edgy and knows how to party. Dude, what an awesome chick yo. That's basically what I want in a guy.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Today is my fourth day on a month's course of antidepressants. They're called Lexapro. For some reason I find it a lot easier to be sleepy now, and have been sleeping 10 hours every night, and having 3 hour naps every day.

Friday, February 22, 2013

you know what. fuck everyone. fuck blogger. how was this supposed to make me feel better? who the fuck have i connected with? no fucking body. my life is an endless rolling tapestry of emptiness. it may be time to admit to myself that this is more than just illusory sadness. this might be depression. i should  see a doctor. i feel incredibly, and impossibly alone, especially back in my country where i feel impossible alienated. and i feel incredibly resentful towards everyone else.

i don't see the point in this fucking blog shit. maybe it's just the alcohol in me right now, but i don't think i'm going to be blogging again. so it might be wise, i apologize, to just get the fuck out from my sight now. i'm done.

best regards,


Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Coming out stories

So I don't know how many people reading this are in the closet, considering getting out, or have already come out. But I just thought that I should share a couple of videos that I watched on YouTube that helped convince me that I should come out. It wasn't an easy choice, I cried a lotttt during those days when I was watching them. In fact, I would start to tear when I heard Macklemore's Same Love. That doesn't happen anymore though. It's a song filled with hope for me now. Anyway, here are the videos. There are many of them. Yes, I watched them all a month ago. I chose only those of regular guys, and not those with celebrity status like the AreYouSurprised military guy. If you are considering coming out of the closet, you should check some of these out. Ok that's all I have.


Boner for Bomer, Zilch for Zombie

I took a nap, and holy shit, I remember my dream. I can't make up my mind if it was hot or not. Parts of it were, parts of it were not, wait actually scrap that, it was fucking disturbing and not hot at all lol.

I was at a chapel that was all white, and noticed that people were filming a set outside. As the crew came in, a couple of people were around trying to take pictures with the actors. I looked over my shoulder and my jaw dropped. It was Matt Bomer.

He was filming for White Collar, and came in swagged out in his suit and shit. I was really nervous as I went up to him, and I introduced myself and told him that he is the biggest role model in my life. He was very friendly and said thanks. I told him I had nothing for him to sign his autograph on, so I took off my shirt and gave it to him to sign on...I'm real cheeky like that haha. He looked at me, smiled, and grabbed my hand in to hold the shirt tight so he could sign on it, but he was feeling up my hand. He gave me a cheeky smile, and my mind started to go wild. I asked him about where his husband was, and he said that he was out of town, and didn't mind him sourcing out younger meats at the butchery (wtf?). Anyway, I just went for it and made out with him, felt him up with his suit on, and his personal assistant was oddly cheering us on and taking photos of us. This went on for probably only five seconds. When I opened my eyes, he was this fucking zombie trying to bite shit out from my neck, and I freaked the fuck out and pushed him hard on to the floor. The zombie bitch still had his impeccable navy suit on. I stomped on his head three times, then ran out of there while his assistant stood there and screamed.

Damn son. Needless to say, when I woke up, my penis curled up into a ball and ran away. Was that necrophilia? Or zombiephilia? Dude I better not be mentally disturbed or have some sort of sick fetish - like do I have to roleplay zombies in the bedroom next time? (I'm kidding btw, I don't think I'm mentally sick...I think.) I have been watching too much Walking Dead and White Collar. This is what happens when a fucking collab takes place in your brain.

Monday, February 18, 2013

Coming out #I lost count & My blog so far

A really good high school friend of mine contacted me yesterday and asked me how was life and everything. She's currently doing her PhD in Columbia in NYC. I told her a lot of things happened over the last month, and that I should have kept her in the loop. She asked me if they were good or bad things, and I explained to her how things were initially bad but now they're pretty good and I've been coasting for a while. I've been coming out to my friends mostly by sending them an email of a revised version of the second earliest post on this blog. I condensed it a lil. Hopefully none of them would be bored enough to google the letter I sent them, which might direct them to this blog...which would be awkward.

So I sent her the email, and she said all the right things to me. Which is great really. She told me she teared while reading my letter, and that she couldn't imagine hiding such a secret for so many years. I told her how I've been feeling kind of disconnected from the people back home, and how some people have been insensitive when I came out to them, mostly by trivializing the issue. I've talked about this before, which just goes to show how much it has affected me, but I think I have made up my mind to stop hanging out with fag hags from now on. They are unhealthy for me. They seem to think it's fabulous being gay. They don't know me. My friend got really angry for me, and apologized for the insensitivity of these friends, especially those who decided to stay within the country for college. There is a dearth of maturity of thought. She explained to me that she was planning to stay in NYC after graduation, that even with all of its flaws, New York is the city that she can best see herself living in. I wish I could consolidate all my supportive friends into one place with me, but they're scattered all over. I think it's really sad, but I've realized that many of my friends have uprooted themselves and settled down abroad, and most of the time it is because of the social stuffiness back home. It's funny how many Americans lament about how conservative America is (which to a certain extent many parts of the country is), but yet many pockets of places, like SF and NYC, have been heralded as paradises of social liberty. Maybe Europe is the most liberal of all, but in Asia, many people just choose the non-confrontational route of ignoring social problems away. This is why there is a stereotype that Asians are socially awkward. This is because we are trained not to communicate our feelings. People here are deeply mired in a petty and parochial view of the world. The most bizarre thing is that many of my international friends however, are thinking of settling down in my country. Friends from the Philippines, Indonesia, Korea, etc, because my country still has the most attractive career opportunities in the region, and they would largely be immune to the social judgment of the locals here for they are but foreigners. 

Click here This is an article about my generation in my home country. Although it applies pretty much globally, but the pace of progress in my motherland is stymied by the pursuit of materialism, which is at the core of many Asian values, sadly. 

Anyway, I started this blog the day I came out to my first person ever on Jan 14th. It's been a little over a month now, and I've been pretty satisfied with how things have progressed. I have over 800 pageviews on this blog, which isn't a lot compared to the other really popular blogs out there, but still pretty cool since 8 is an auspicious number in Asian culture. I humbly thank everyone who has been quietly reading, thanks for the support. I almost have no problem now in admitting to friends that I care about that I'm gay. But I also realize that I need to be patient, and that I need to stop wanting to speed things up. I have learned that this is a rather painfully slow process that needs to unfold within its natural course, and that's okay. I have a whole life ahead of me. I am terribly excited for what the future will bring for me now that I am more comfortable with who I am. But I need to learn patience too.

I don't really know why I write though. Most of my entries seem oddly repetitive to me; it's like I have to keep reminding myself that things are good and can only get better. I guess I write whenever I feel alone. Or a little lost. In two weeks' time I'd be starting my full-time job. I'd be making new friends I guess, although since I'm starting earlier than most fresh graduates, I would probably be the youngest there. Oh boy. So much change in 2013.

Anyway, this is my favorite song by deadmau5. I don't like most of his other stuff, although live, he is amazing (obviously though, in a non-sober state of mind. I saw him at this huge music festival in the Midwest a couple years back and it was pouring and he had his badass cubes on stage, and everyone around me was definitely rolling or something and were stomping in the mud and the rain having a whale of a time. I was a water tent volunteer for the festival, but the tent I was at was near enough so I saw the entire performance. One of my co-volunteers whipped out his pipe and packed a bowl in, and suffice to say I had a gnarly ass time.) The Veldt is incredibly, incredibly soothing, especially if you play Audiosurf with this track. The vocals were also added in after the instrumental was made, and the synergy between the two is breathtaking. Hands down one of my favorite songs ever.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Con los terroristas

While viral videos in general make me feel more and more convinced that the human population is becoming increasingly similar to the 2006 movie Idiocracy, this video at least made me smile. Who doesn't love puppies, especially when they go batshit cray?

"He's either gay...or European"

This classic dilemma was something that I used to just kind of only guess for fun. Last night was the first time I decided to sort of put myself out there and get an answer once and for all. I went out last night to catch up with a friend who had a bottle at a club comped for her. First, we met at a bar, and I was talking to a bunch of their friends etc. There was this limp-wristed Questionable Guy (QG) and this German guy who had a red shirt tucked in, and beautiful eyes. Eyes are a huge thing for me by the way. When I asked them how did they meet each other, the German guy was being very awkward about everything and said "we met over food." In my head I was thinking, "right...I bet it was Grindr." He was super chill and easy to talk to too. He was also dancing really elaborately, not in a flamboyant way but in a very salsa type of way, yknow, like he certainly knew how to dance. So he was talking to me quite a bit, and the QG became a lil possessive. I was still unsure of what their arrangement was. He told me how when he was 24, he was engaged once, but it fell apart, and for me to know the story I need to know who he was as a person i.e. it's complicated i.e. he's gay. Or at least, that's what I thought. When we got to the club, he started talking to me really closely to my ear, and he put his hand over my shoulder and his face was so near mine I almost wanted to just kiss him there and then. Well, thank the fucken lord I didn't. I decided to drop an obvious hint to the German guy by telling him the last time I went to the club was for gay night. He replied with a brows-raised "oh" and that was it. After that he didn't talk to any of us much at all, because he was so busy macking on girls on the dancefloor. He made out with a couple of them, forced his way into taking pictures with them, and even tried to dance with this girl who was obviously not batting for his team since she was dancing with her girlfriend.

It was horrible. I felt incredibly awkward, and because I was pretty sober since I drank way too much the night before, it was pretty apparent to the group that I was with. In my head before all that slaying pussay shit happened I was thinking that I finally met a chill nice gay dude that I'm attracted to. Welp. Goddamn Europeans are always so ambiguous. He's pretty old though, like 28.

The QG got my number, and offered me a lift closer to my place. In the car he asked me if I've been to the club a lot in the past, and I said no, the last time I went was gay night though. I decided to tell him this because I just wanted to know what the hell his arrangement with the German guy was. Immediately after saying the gay night thing, he asked me point-blank "Are you gay?" It was a question that kind of threw me off balance, mostly because it was incredibly direct and personal, and I thought my way of telling him was obvious enough. I said yes, I am, and he goes on to tell me he's very open-minded about these things because he has 2 gay friends at school.

Maybe he isn't ready to come out, but this QG is very visibly limp-wristed and walks with a funny strut. I'm not hating on people like him but I honestly find it very hard to believe that limp-wristed guys are straight. The sensitive long-haired dude with a lot of hand gesticulations, sure that kind of questionable guy can be straight, but once the wrist is limp...I'm pretty sure the dick is limp for vagina. Also, I don't know if girls can actually be attracted to a limp-wristed man in the first place. I wouldn't know though I'm not a girl.

He started asking me highly personal questions, like when did I come out, are my friends okay with it, am I seeing anyone now, etc and it got annoying since that was the first (and probably last) time that I was going to hang out with him. When I got home, he texted me apologizing for being so direct and that he usually is more tactful. I said don't sweat it, I thought he and the German guy had something going on, and that he was gay anyway. And he said the German guy is "all yours" (which is strange because he was dancing with girls all night?) and that he gets the gay question "a lot" and if he doesn't find a girlfriend within the next 5 years he'd consider jumping ship. Rrriiggghttt...

I got home, and one of my best friends at college messaged me and was like hiiii what's up. I told her about the gay/european shit, she laughed, she told me we'd both find each other a cute guy lol, and that I should just see this in the way that a straight guy gets turned down by a girl at a club. I said it's different because there are so many biddies in the sea, but so hard to identify which paddy bats for my team. Anyway she just told me not to worry about it too much, and I gushed to her a bit about Robbie Rogers, and we both followed him on Instagram. Lmao. She's such a cool girl I really wished that I didn't leave the states, I made all my best friends there and I feel so much more at home there than I do back here. I'm trying to let go and move on, but it's been tough so far.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Drunken Foolery

Drinking has always been a little hard for me to control. Once I start I always have this need to finish every drop of alcohol in sight. There are many funny drunk stories of mine actually. Some are also pretty whacked. It was halloween sophomore year, and I don't think I gave a shit about a costume. I went to my friend's place after a halloween party and was pretty drunk by then, but still continued drinking JD with my friends. We were all kind of drunk and watched my friend play the xbox. Then this attractive guy walks in, with a cowboy hat, jeans, rainbow suspenders and nothing else. Gay cowboy, that was what he was dressed up as. Turns out he's in advanced math class with one of my friends (like fucking advanced even for me which is saying something - he did all those real analysis stuff) and basically I was just talking to him the entire night on the couch. He had blond hair and blue eyes, pretty lean, but really nerdy about the things he talked about ahaha. Like philosophical shit or something I can't remember. Everyone in the apartment was making fun of us for being such a couple, since we hit it off so well. Oh boy if only they knew, lol. He showed me pictures of his girlfriend (I don't know why, maybe he felt me coming onto him) and she was really cute, but she goes to another college. Anyway, things started to get pretty weird because when I wanted to leave, people were saying that I was too drunk to walk back by myself, and so he offered to walk me back.

He was kind of holding me along on the street, and I began acting drunker than I actually was. I told him "Man it's really cold out" which is pretty funny cos I had a coat and he was only in suspenders, and he hugged me closer. I joked and said "Wow I can't believe I'm getting warmth from a gay cowboy, haha" and he looked at me and laughed "Anything to keep you warm and safe back home bud" And this is why I say I should stop drinking excessively, because I took this as a sign to put my hands on his bare chest, and he didn't mind. We were still walking back to my place, and I kind of gently caressed his chest while pretending to be drunk and holding onto him for support, and he still didn't say anything. And out of nowhere I just put my hands down his pants, and started jerking him off for a bit. He just walked on, but got semi-hard after a while haha. My mind was going crazy, I was jerking off a gay cowboy on the street. Lmao. Anyway, that was really just it, he didn't bust or anything, I thanked him for walking me back after, and since then we've pretended like that never happened. 

Last night was a typical drunken night out for me. Had a couple friends over for dinner at my place, then we went over to another friend's place to pregame, and headed out to a club. I pregamed way too much, and by the time I got to the club I was already reaching my limit. We split a bottle of vodka, and wham I blacked out. I woke up this morning with my two best bros A & J sleeping on my bed with me, and I asked them what the hell happened. Hahaha...they were so pissed with me because I got really drunk and started...biting them. On their arms. In fact A told me after a while he stopped resisting because it was the only way to shut me up. Holy cow. I was also apparently making scary faces to this kid at the table across us at mickey d's, and she was traumatized. I completely regret drinking so much because I didn't remember anything from last night, and my friends were pretty surprised as to how HAM I get when I'm blacked out. I forgot drinking here isn't as excessive as back in amurca, yikes. 

I'm going out tonight again, but I'm definitely not going to drink that much since I don't know this group of people that well and won't have my best bros to have my back and shit. Seriously I love them to death hahah for taking all of my shit. In the morning we started shooting the shit about...penises. A asked me why does dick size matter for a gay dude, especially since it probably hurts like ass (mmhmm). I said I don't know, probably the same reason why straight guys love huge tits. He told me he doesn't get that either. I joked around and asked him "you sure you're straight?" Haha. (He is straight as an arrow)

Robbie Rogers and Frank Ocean

I am extremely hungover right now, but I just wanted to jump on the bandwagon and talk about Robbie Rogers. I don't watch soccer at all (except for Liverpool, which my brother loves. We drove up to Anfield actually to catch a match a couple months back when we were in London), so I didn't know of him until socrkid17 posted about him. I read his blog ( and honestly I am so proud of him. It's weird because I don't know him, but everything that he wrote tugged at my heartstrings. I saw one of his interviews, wait let me link it:

And he seems like such a normal, chill, fun dude. I honestly love it when chill reg guys come out, because it really does pave the way to get us closer to you know, a more inclusive future. I'm bad with words now probably because of my splitting headache, but I really just have mad respect for him. Also, I don't want to "cheapen" this whole thing but honestly look at the man and look at his eyes. Haha.

It also reminded me of Frank Ocean's note which he put up on his Tumblr. These are the people who inspire me to keep on keepin on. I have included it here:

Whoever you are, wherever you are, I’m beginning to think we’re a lot alike. Human beings spinning on blackness. All wanting to be seen, touched, heard, paid attention to. My loved ones are everything to me here. In the last year or 3 I’ve screamed at my creator. Screamed at clouds in the sky. For some explanation. Mercy maybe. For peace of mind to rain like manna somehow. 4 summers ago, I met somebody. I was 19 years old. He was too. We spent that summer, and the summer after, together. Everyday almost. And on the days we were together, time would glide. Most of the day I’d see him, and his smile. I’d hear his conversation and his silence … until it was time to sleep. Sleep I would often share with him. By the time I realized I was in love, it was malignant. It was hopeless. There was no escaping, no negotiating with the feeling. No choice. It was my first love, it changed my life. Back then, my mind would wander to the women I had been with, the ones I cared for and thought I was in love with. I reminisced about the sentimental songs I enjoyed when I was a teenager … the ones I played when I experienced a girlfriend for the first time. I realized they were written in a language I did not yet speak. I realized too much, too quickly. Imagine being thrown from a plane. I wasn’t in a plane though. I was in a Nissan Maxima, the same car I packed up with bags and drove to Los Angeles in. I sat there and told my friend how I felt. I wept as the words left my mouth. I grieved for them, knowing I could never take them back for myself. He patted my back. He said kind things. He did his best, but he wouldn’t admit the same. He had to go back inside soon. It was late and his girlfriend was waiting for him upstairs. He wouldn’t tell me the truth about his feelings for me for another 3 years. I felt like I’d only imagined reciprocity for years. Now imagine being thrown from a cliff. No, I wasn’t on a cliff, I was still in my car telling myself it was gonna be fine and to take deep breaths. I took the breaths and carried on. I kept up a peculiar friendship with him because I couldn’t imagine keeping up my life without him. I struggled to master myself and my emotions. I wasn’t always successful.

The dance went on … I kept the rhythm for several summers after. It’s winter now. I’m typing this on a plane back to Los Angeles from New Orleans. I flew home for another marred Christmas. I have a windowseat. It’s December 27, 2011. By now I’ve written two albums, this being the second. I wrote to keep myself busy and sane. I wanted to create worlds that were rosier than mine. I tried to channel overwhelming emotions. I’m surprised at how far all of it has taken me. Before writing this I’d told some people my story. I’m sure these people kept me alive, kept me safe … sincerely, these are the folks I wanna thank from the floor of my heart. Everyone of you knows who you are … great humans, probably angels. I don’t know what happens now, and that’s alrite. I don’t have any secrets I need kept anymore. There’s probably some small shit still, but you know what I mean. I was never alone, as much as I felt like it … as much as I still do sometimes. I never was. I don’t think I ever could be. Thanks. To my first love. I’m grateful for you. Grateful that even though it wasn’t what I hoped for and even though it was never enough, it was. Some things never are … and we were. I won’t forget you. I won’t forget the summer. I’ll remember who I was when I met you. I’ll remember who you were and how we’ve both changed and stayed the same. I’ve never had more respect for life and living than I have right now. Maybe it takes a near death experience to feel alive. Thanks. To my mother, you raised me strong. I know I’m only brave because you were first … so thank you. All of you. For everything good. I feel like a free man. If I listen closely … I can hear the sky falling too.


Friday, February 15, 2013

Gay Pride

I was reading this guy's blog about pride (, and there has been a lot of contention among the commenters. One made by an older commenter Jim Richardson made a lot of sense to me:

"Wow - what a narrow view you have. Perhaps you and your readers are well under 30 and have absolutely zero concept of what it was like to be gay in 1970, or 1965, or 1955. 

While I agree that for the most part gay pride parades are the worst way to exhibit who we are, for most of us elder gays, the mere fact that we can stand up and announce that we are proud to be gay is a novel expression most of us would never have dreamed possible in 1970 or earlier.

We were taught at every turn, including by our parents, that being gay was the most terrible thing that we could be, often that being dead was a far better option. For years we were told that we were making a bad choice, and we were baffled because no matter how hard we tried, we simply couldn't choose anything else. 

Were you around in the early 80's? Hundreds of thousands of my generation are simply vanished from the face of the earth by a disease that today is possible to control by taking a fucking pill. We couldn't even get the government to acknowledge there was a problem for years. Hell, for 20 years we were afraid to unzip because of AIDS, some of us still are.

Yes, old people have sex. 

It took a bunch of screaming drag queens to get us on the map (Stonewall) and while I acknowledge that you have every right to choose to not like some of the personalities out there, you have zero right to comment on gay pride, you obviously grew up in a much more accepting world that many of us older guys made for you. The reason you don't need to march in those parades is because we did it for you.

Just as you say that young rich kids should be more grateful to their parents - you should look at every gay person over 50 and thank them for the world of acceptance you live in now.

You don't have to date a sissy boy, but you simply must learn to accept that he has as much right to exist as you do, and his life is probably far harder than yours. At least he has the nerve to show his face and be open about it. 

The best part of being gay is something you haven't yet learned. We don't have to follow the rules of heterosexual society about the kind of person we are. It's OK to be a sissy, it's OK to be a drag queen, it's OK to be a muscle bound gym rat, we don't need to get married to prove we love one another and have a family and we don't need anyone's approval to be us.

It's not OK to judge someone else for who they are, simply because we disagree with their choice of "fashion" or the way they act at the gym. 

You write well, now lets see if you can find a way to actually contribute to our community and make it better for others like you - in your own way, someone different than others, struggling to find your own path."

It's very easy for me and the rest of my twentysomething generation to take everything that we have for granted. I have absolutely no tangible concept of a hard day's work. I have only known peacetime growing up. It is very humbling to realize that many of what we have today have been tirelessly fought for by our forefathers. In many ways we should definitely be more appreciative.

I am incredibly guilty of being shallow. I pass judgment about people that I meet within the first 8 seconds, and I quickly determine if the person is worth my time, and angle my responses to the person according to that decision. While I don't usually make my opinions publicly known, except on this blog, I am fully aware that I am highly judgmental, in fact to the point where I almost demonize the rest that I don't agree with.  In No-Hetero's blog, I can fully relate to his entries because I think that way too, except that I'm the awkward weaksaucebro that he mentions in his gym entries, heh. My penis shrivels up and dies when I see histrionic more-girly-than-girls "sissies." I think gay pride parades are ridiculous, just like Asian/Black pride parades, or pride parades in general.

I know however, that I am highly judgmental, because all my life I've been judging myself really hard, and bouncing those judgments off others. I look at myself as an Asian person in what is still predominantly a white-loving world, and when I see other Asians that perpetuate the shitty stereotype of slitty-eyed, flat-faced, nerdy, socially awkward virgins with poorly spoken english, I can feel myself hating them before I even know them. When I look at myself as a gay person, and when I think about how society will lump me with all the other gay people they know, I feel extremely uncomfortable around sissies. But then again, I also feel uncomfortable around the gym gaybros, because it's so Jersey Shore it's stupid.

The older generation made the world better for us, and ensconced in your laurels that you paved for us, complacency and a certain sense of disconnect in our generation will definitely follow. But the reality is our world is so incredibly different from yours. I think at the end of the day many of the older folks are quick to criminalize all of us for being irreparable degenerates, but do not realize that this is our world now, and that in many ways you have made us this way. And honestly, I do not think that all hope is lost for us young'uns. Many of us are very humble. We might not show it that way, but we are. We're also highly adaptable. The older generation seems to cling on to halcyon days quite a bit though. Pride parades should evolve. Because the world is a lot more accepting now, everything employed for the whole "shock" factor to get people to pay attention should just get the fuck out. We don't need that anymore. Everyone should just be themselves. Some times I feel that gay people make themselves be "gayer" or intentionally dramatize their lives just for the attention, and to feel inside, "uhuh I am more fabulous than you" *three air-snaps with fingers*. And also because it seems that girls fucking love these kind of gay guys. The fag hags I mentioned a couple entries ago have apparently stopped caring much about me - I guess I'm too boring and "straight" for them. Well, they can fuck off.

I wonder, what is the ratio of "feminine" gay guys versus "masculine" gay guys? Are there a lot more effeminate ones? I'm inclined to not think so. I've been in the closet for a really long time, and one of the reasons why it was easy to remain in the closet is because I'm not stereotypically effeminate (I do have a fucking mean falsetto though). Granted, my close friends did have their suspicions, but that's because I never did have any long-term relationships with girls. Relatively, it's a lot more difficult for a limp-wristed Madonna-loving guy to vehemently deny that he's gay. All I know is, that the effeminate gay guys are a lot more on the radar for everyone else, and I alienated myself from them, all in my own head. Not that I am homophobic, or didn't have gay friends - in fact I know many, I just am not good friends with them. On the surface, I would appear open-minded and be friendly towards them, but inside I always rejected myself because I knew I "couldn't be like them."

There really needs to be a lot more visibility for the "masculine" gay guys now. The only reason why I was comfortable with coming out in the end was because I read all these blogs of gay guys, some of whom are more traditionally masculine than I am, and many YouTube coming out stories and for some of them I could not tell AT ALL that they were gay, and that gave me a lot of hope when their family and friends supported them.

But I definitely know that I have gotten it a lot easier than the flamboyant ones. I have never been called a sissy or a faggot (except the fucker who blew me and then stole my phone - what a fucking asswipe) or any other gay-bashing in my life. I can only imagine the internal struggles that these people have gone through. And now that they have found an accepting community of drag queens or whatever in pride parades, I should only feel happy for them to be comfortable in their own skins.

That's what we all are trying to do, to be comfortable with who we are, and to feel accepted by the people around us. No-Hetero mentions how he wishes that there would be no more gay clubs, but just clubs where both straight and gay people can make out (not together, obviously. Although I wouldn't  mind at all 'turning' a straight dude) and no one would flip their shit. And that's awesome isn't it? I would really like that.

Hot Musicians

I'm not sure if a musician is necessarily my type as although my music taste is pretty indie at times I really don't think I can deal with the bearded shaggy-haired type of dudes. It feels like they're trying a lil too hard. But as I've said before, I have a weakness for vocal talent, and deep lyrics. Like I've said before, I like reg dudes into dudes, so the following are not the best looking, but their voices are incredibly attractive, and that's hotter than a pretty face. Here are a couple of hot musicians:

1. Diego Boneta


Okay. So pretty much this guy defies the "not best looking" caveat that I mentioned above. He is unbelievably hot AND talented. Just google pictures of him. There aren't a lot of HD videos of him singing live, so this is the best that I can find (He's Mexican btw, hence the incredibly fluent Spanish). Apparently he's in Rock of Ages, but Tom Cruise looks like such a wanker in there (I've been in London long enough to use that) I don't know if I'd want to watch it.

2. Sufjan Stevens

I have to mention Sufjan again. Soofyahn is a fucking cool name btw. Many of his songs are drawn from biblical passages/stories, but it can also be interpreted to just be folklore.

He wears wings when he goes on stage. How cool is that. Also check out that body.

Watch the video, and ignore his incredibly hippie outfit (bandana and a cut-out shirt wtf). What an incredible voice.


3. Frank Ocean

So if you're gay and you haven't heard of Frank Ocean, you're probably living under a rock. He's probably the first gay male rapper, and the following song is about the first guy he fell in love with. To be perfectly honest, I couldn't really find any attractive pictures of him, since he has scruff in most of them and hence looks really old. The above is the only one where he is less scruffy, and he kinda gives off a Donald Glover vibe.

He also has some major kickass pipes, and his songs are gnarly as fucccckk. Pyramids is another dope track. 

4. Jack Savoretti

His voice is incredibly emotive. I really like it. His songs are the kind you listen to when you're walking back at night with like street lamps and shit, and you kinda want to be alone with your hands in your pocket and be all brooding and shit. Doesn't hurt that he looks good too. 

5. The Lead from The Dig

The lead's second from the right. This dude looks like a typical college kid, which is great because he isn't trying to be someone else or like fit the indie genre, like say Angus Stone. The general feel of this song is also incredible. If I can think of one word to describe it, it's slinky. Don't ask me why, I just think so. 

6.  Angus Stone from Angus & Julia Stone

This Australian is such a goddamn hippie it makes me cringe.


FFS bro, you have taken the Jesus motif way too far. Also, who dresses like a homeless man for the red carpet?

But hold up. He did clean his act up after a while.

Yeah holy shit there you go. However, as I honestly cannot find any video of him without looking like a straight up hobo, I'd just put his song without his face on here. Also, his sister is incredibly smokin' (she's in the picture below) like seriously what a beautiful and sexy face.


7. Lead from Reptar

Because I've tried avoiding mainstream musicians I'm left with the crazy dudes. Haha. Reptar makes incredibly catchy music. I saw them at a huge music festival in the Midwest a couple years ago and it was clear they were just screwing around with the audience and having fun just being fools. 

Dude is just nuts and sounds like he has a furball and seizures at the same time. The album version of this song is killer though, it's in my "songs to wake up to" playlist. 

8. Hoodie Allen

This guy just seems like such a cool bro to chill out with. I have listened to his songs high as fuck and although he vehemently denies he does 'weed rap' (like music catered to stoners), it's surprisingly fun. 

Like this song. It's incredibly kinky. He talks about screwing your girlfriend on the couch or on the phone in the chorus. Also, the girls in the video are really hot, especially the scene in the car when the blondie stares into the camera. It's like she's purring "fuck me." Lol. I don't know why but I love it when girls have really thick eye makeup to accentuate their eyes. It's very foxy and sexy, and I immediately kind of want to be the smooth Gosling-esque type of guy. 

Anyway, that's it. This whole list is some right bullshit haha, I obviously tried to avoid Justin Timberlake, Adam Levine, etc. Hope y'all like some of the songs though.

Thursday, February 14, 2013


Ah I didn't notice the other comments by jw,
1. Hah I'm not sure why but I really just do not like the xx that much at all. It kinda just makes me want to sleep.
2. Thanks for validating my blog, since nobody really comments, I've wondered if anybody can relate to what I'm writing about. Also don't worry about the sexual experience thing, it is much tougher for gay people to be open to others sexually so it's natural things take a slower course than straight counterparts.
3. My mom also still harbors some kind of hope I'd be a doctor. Which is batshitcray of her. I did also go for the med school interview haha, they knew immediately I wasn't passionate about it. I hope you find what you'd like to study at uni, I completely regret studying economics because it's bullshit, but then I don't know what else I would have studied and have an easier time (economics isn't difficult), since I think academics is unnecessary and the only good thing about college is making friends.

I realize I swear a lot. I searched for the word 'fuck' on my blog, and every single entry popped up. Lmao. Maybe I should tone down with the vulgarities, but I like swearing, it's just part of who I am. I guess in some sense, I just don't really give a fuck about censoring myself.

I went to a Catalonian restaurant yesterday with my parents and my brother. Back when we were in Barcelona, we went to a restaurant named after Sergi Arola who worked at El Bulli for a couple years, and the waiter over there asked us where we were from, and after telling him, he told us that one of his really good friends Lara works at a Catalonian restaurant in my country, and that we should tell her we know him and she'd take care of us. We got there, most of the waiting staff were dudes though, so yeah. The food was pretty good, the view was pretty awesome (the restaurant is on a floating platform by the pier), the sangria was really strong, but it's really just insane how expensive my country has become...the jug of sangria was 110 USD.

I started arguing with my brother and my dad quite a bit over money again...about the new car I'm supposed to be driving to work. I was saying I wanted to take the train to work instead, and I don't know why but they got pissed thinking that I'm "apologizing" for my family's wealth. Whatever. It got pretty bad and for a while the whole table was really tense. I got pretty liquored up after a while though, so I was like fuck it, I toasted my brother and told him truce, and that we got to keep looking out for each other. That's what I love about being a dude. Arguments never really last that long. We get over shit pretty fast. He broke out a half-smile, and soon after everything was good again.

At the end of the meal, I decided to just ask the lady who gave us our check if she knew anyone called Lara, and she said "yes that's me" with a puzzled look. I explained the whole thing about how we met Pako (is that a Spanish name?) in Barcelona, and she was delighted haha. It made me smile a lot.

While walking by the pier, my mom asked me if my gaydar has improved. I said lolwhat, it's not like after coming out I leveled up and +2 gaydar detection. I told her I was going to chill out on this whole gay thing. It's only been a month, and because it's also new to my friends, it's almost like I'm just gay and nothing else, which isn't true. I told her I was just going to take it slow and just be myself, and that for now my biggest priority on the whole gay agenda thing is to just be comfortable in telling people that I'm gay, and nothing else. She smiled and hugged me.

/Although honestly I'm getting a bit horny and might just hit up a straight club instead and mess around no-strings-attached with a girl. Is that mean? Haha./

We went over to a hotel lounge after, listened to this fantastic woman singing jazz live, I had a Tom Yam Martini, my brother left to hit the clubs for Ladies' Night (he's quite the player) then I headed to meet L and J and two of their friends (a guy and a girl) for hookah. It was slightly weird because one of the dudes was really talking to me a lot about girlfriends, and going to clubs to pick up girls, stuff like that. I guess he was happy there was another guy there to shoot the shit about girls since L and J are gay, haha, boy he had no clue. I also clandestinely passed L the Vday card I got for him for J; I think I did a pretty good job in picking a good card. This was the first time I've ever bought a Vday card, and it wasn't even for my significant other.

It was kind of awkward when I was browsing through the cards, since all the guys around me were picking out girlfriend cards, and the girls were picking out boyfriend cards. But no one really cared that much, except for the cashier that did do a double-take but didn't say anything except "Happy Valentine's!" haha. I also had no clue that these cards are so dude.

So I know people are reading this, some from pretty cool places around the world. I started this blog to kind of find people going through similar situations with me, and to kind of find people to talk to. But so far this one-sided conversation is rather boring dude...Anyway so I was thinking about all the positive gay role models around. So there's Matt Bomer, Neil Patrick Harris, Luke Macfarlane, Anderson Cooper... who else? Are there also any shows that portray more "masculine" gay guys, instead of Mitch and Cameron on Modern Family? Cameron's such a fucking queen I cannot believe he says he is straight in real life it is too real dude. I know 90210 had this hot dude who's gay in it, I think his name is Trevor, but that's it really. Don't get me wrong though, I think Cameron and Mitch are hilarious. In fact, I used to watch Will & Grace and thought that Jack and Karen were insanely funny. I also know the Sarah Silverman Program has Steve and Brian but honestly they're a bunch of unattractive and fat stoners, it's weird to watch them. So if anyone has any suggestions for shows/celebrities to check out who are just reg dudes into dudes, send them my way.

And yeah ok one song for each entry.


It's Valentine's Day today, and the weather has been absolute shit the past couple weeks, raining and everything all the time. This song, I suspect, describes many of our lives. I'm gonna try to get back to working on myself for the next two-three weeks before I start working. Gonna tan by my pool more once the sun starts existing again, start hitting the gym again (I got lazy and haven't gone in weeks), maybe try to eat healthier (the hippie dude I mentioned earlier told me that the only way I can be happy as a Type 4 is to embrace equanimity by treating everything as an equal and become vegetarian - I don't think I can ever do that I love meat). I know my entries are really stupid - I get really positive for one and then really negative the other. This entry is pretty positive, that's because in general I feel pretty good about life now. Hopefully the next one I'm gonna write is going to be positive too. 

But I'm still having fun and I guess that's the key, I'm a twentysomething and I'll keep being me.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Casimir Pulaski Day

I just want to start off by saying I have a huge weakness for handsome, sensitive musicians. I think they are incredibly creative, and I am immensely attracted to talent. Maybe it's because I feel like I failed in pursuing what they all succeeded in. Maybe it's also because I can relate to the emotional vulnerability of their songwritings. But Sufjan Stevens is for sure one of the dudes that fit the bill. I rediscovered Casimir Pulaski Day as it came on my iTunes shuffle, and have been looping it for an hour so far.

Also, those wings are insanely creative. Also, his sexuality is incredibly ambiguous, although it doesn't matter, he is a beautiful man.

Also, just look at those arms.

Uhhhhchahcehca. Haha.

It is Valentine's Day soon and I am going to try my best to ignore the emptiness that I feel. The past few years I've always wished for a girlfriend that would "get me;" I guess this is the first time I'm properly thinking about a boyfriend instead. I met up with L and his English boyfriend J again (I really should give my friends names) last night, along with two other peeps. They brought up the topic of the half Indian dude again, and I was slightly annoyed because one of the guys there, who I just met that night, didn't know about me being gay, but whatever I guess. They reiterated again that he is not right for me. I got really pissed by the whole thing. Maybe it's because I've been in college in America for so long, but it honestly gets so tiring about how prudish people in my country are. L asked me "What do you want with him? A mindless fuck?" No? Why does harmless flirting and making out and maybe a quickie handjob or whatever make me a manwhore? I don't get it. I'm one of the most prudent people I know, but I definitely am not a prude nor am I a manwhore. I know what I'm doing. It's so fucking annoying how straight guys can hook up with girls all the time and get no flak, but once a gay guy hooks up with guys, he's immediately a manslut.

I started feeling really sad because I felt like my friends didn't understand me. First off, I am nowhere ready to have anal sex with a guy. That is extremely personal and it has to be with a person that I deeply care about. I might never even ever have anal sex, although I doubt it. Second, I don't get why they think that if I just make out with the guy, I would definitely have sex with him. That is not true. I've made out with tons of girls in college and didn't have sex with them. It's just a fun casual thing to do. You go out to a party, scope out the scene, find a cute girl, dance with her, and make out with her. That's it. It's not like I'm going to straddle the fucking bitch in the middle of the dance floor or fuck her face. None of my American friends gave me any shit for dancing with girls or whatever. Now the minute I decide to open myself up physically to guys, I am judged as a manwhore. I seriously don't get it. I am just a normal dude. I haven't had any intimate contact with anyone since September. I am not seeking validation from hooking up with people. I am not "filling up a void in my soul" or whatever fuckshit. I just want to have some casual fun, and that does not make me a whore.

I got really tired by the end of the night because they basically decided they need to find me a man to fuck. Sometimes, I really don't get gay people. It's like they should be the most understanding that everything is not just black and white, but for them they are so quick to put people into boxes at either end of some kind of spectrum. I am now extremely uncertain if I should be going to a gay club on Friday.

None of my gay friends are like me. They're either flamboyant, or the typical beefcake who gets shirtless every time they go out like the fucking Jersey Shore. And I'm tired of fag hags too, obsessing over me. What the fuck was I thinking, trying to make all these gay friends? Honestly this is getting so tiring. On one hand I reaallly want to make more gay friends so that I can potentially meet someone to mess around with, on the other hand I think I am becoming more and more convinced that I will never find a chill normal gay guy like me. So many gay people are fucking dramatic and over the top. I know I am, but I am in a different way, because I am struggling with a lot of shit in my head because I have been out for only a month now. And I fucking hated it that the fag hag lumped me together with all the "ohhh my goddd what are you wearinnggg honeeyyyy" type of people. Fag hags don't know shit about gay people! Okay, they know a ton of shit about a SPECIFIC type of gay people. How the fuck did me wanting to make out with some guy become such a fucking huge drama thing? Why the fuck did my friend L threaten to dump J on their holiday just because he pushed him into the fountain when he was trying to take a piss? Now I'm actually headed out to buy a fucking V-day card that is "big and red" for him to apologize to J for pulling such a cheap shot.

I'm fucking over this bro. Honestly I think I just need more straight guy friends now, just like how it was when I was back in college. They are the most uncomplicated and chill creatures. I had the most fun I had this week kicking it with the straight dude that was with us last night. L and J were sitting by the road figuring their relationship shit out (I guess I'm being really mean here...but really they quarreled over nothing and are probably going to split up after their vacay) We sat on a bench away from them, just talking and shooting the shit. He was super chill about everything, and after I made it pretty clear that I'm gay, by talking about how I felt really uncomfortable about how campy my first gay club experience since I came out was, he reassured me by saying that I shouldn't worry too much and would definitely find someone out there. There. That's chill. Like seriously. Instead of telling me that I need to find a guy to fuck to get it out of my system so I don't become a slut. Gay people and fag hags need to chill the fuck out. We are not all the same.

Man. This post quickly became bitchass angsty. Haha. How the hell did I get from Sufjan Stevens to this, oh boy.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013


I also met this middle-aged shaggy-haired hippie last night who talked to me about enneagrams, Buddhism, and going vegetarian. Enneagrams are some sort of personality profile thing, a little like the MBTI thing. There are 9 profiles, according to different 'deadly sins'. You can read it up on wikipedia, I'm lazy to go into detail. My best bud was there, and the hippie asked him to identify which profile I fit. He said that I'm a 4, an "individualist," a tragic romantic. The hippie then asked me if I have considered suicide as a valid option in life, and I said yes. He then said, "okay yeah you're definitely a 4."

It surprised me because I thought everyone thought about suicide. I read the book that they had on enneagrams, and there was a checklist to see if I fit the type 4 personality. Every single one of them was a huge tick. I often feel alone and lonely even when I'm surrounded by people who care about me. I often conjure up/rehearse scenarios or conversations that haven't happened yet (I said it out loud that I do this, and my friends laughed at me and said omg who does that. Lol I thought everyone does that...) I can forgive almost anything except bad taste, which is so fucking true ahah.

Basically I felt really odd because this book was describing the way I think about everything, and it painted a very bleak picture. My friends also told me most gay people are number 4s. I'm not sure what's the point of identifying one's personality, but it hit me pretty hard. I shall ruminate over all these, and hopefully try to correct a few of these wrongs. I included excerpts of Type Fours below:

  • Fours are self-aware, sensitive, and reserved. They are emotionally honest, creative, and personal, but can also be moody and self-conscious. Withholding themselves from others due to feeling vulnerable and defective, they can also feel disdainful and exempt from ordinary ways of living. They typically have problems with melancholy, self-indulgence, and self-pity.
  • Basic Fear: That they have no identity or personal significance
  • Basic Desire: To find themselves and their significance (to create an
  • We have named this type The Individualist because Fours maintain their identity by seeing themselves as fundamentally different from others. Fours feel that they are unlike other human beings, and consequently, that no one can understand them or love them adequately. They often see themselves as uniquely talented, possessing special, one-of-a-kind gifts, but also as uniquely disadvantaged or flawed. More than any other type, Fours are acutely aware of and focused on their personal differences and deficiencies.
  • Nevertheless, Fours often report that they feel they are missing something in themselves, although they may have difficulty identifying exactly what that “something” is. Is it will power? Social ease? Self-confidence? Emotional tranquility?—all of which they see in others, seemingly in abundance. Given time and sufficient perspective, Fours generally recognize that they are unsure about aspects of their self-image—their personality or ego-structure itself. They feel that they lack a clear and stable identity, particularly a social persona that they feel comfortable with.
  • While it is true that Fours often feel different from others, they do not really want to be alone. They may feel socially awkward or self-conscious, but they deeply wish to connect with people who understand them and their feelings. The “romantics” of the Enneagram, they long for someone to come into their lives and appreciate the secret self that they have privately nurtured and hidden from the world. If, over time, such validation remains out of reach, Fours begin to build their identity around how unlike everyone else they are. The outsider therefore comforts herself by becoming an insistent individualist: everything must be done on her own, in her own way, on her own terms. Fours’ mantra becomes “I am myself. Nobody understands me. I am different and special,” while they secretly wish they could enjoy the easiness and confidence that others seem to enjoy.
  • Fours typically have problems with a negative self-image and chronically low self-esteem. They attempt to compensate for this by cultivating a Fantasy Self—an idealized self-image which is built up primarily in their imaginations.
  • In the course of their lives, Fours may try several different identities on for size, basing them on styles, preferences, or qualities they find attractive in others. But underneath the surface, they still feel uncertain about who they really are. The problem is that they base their identity largely on their feelings. When Fours look inward they see a kaleidoscopic, ever-shifting pattern of emotional reactions. Indeed, Fours accurately perceive a truth about human nature—that it is dynamic and ever changing. But because they want to create a stable, reliable identity from their emotions, they attempt to cultivate only certain feelings while rejecting others. Some feelings are seen as “me,” while others are “not me.” By attempting to hold on to specific moods and express others, Fours believe that they are being true to themselves.
  • One of the biggest challenges Fours face is learning to let go of feelings from the past; they tend to nurse wounds and hold onto negative feelings about those who have hurt them. Indeed, Fours can become so attached to longing and disappointment that they are unable to recognize the many treasures in their lives.
  • As long as they believe that there is something fundamentally wrong with them, they cannot allow themselves to experience or enjoy their many good qualities. To acknowledge their good qualities would be to lose their sense of identity (as a suffering victim) and to be without a relatively consistent personal identity (their Basic Fear). Fours grow by learning to see that much of their story is not true—or at least it is not true any more. The old feelings begin to fall away once they stop telling themselves their old tale: it is irrelevant to who they are right now.


My mom asked me if I thought my cousin was gay. I said no way, he's such a dude. She told me that the reason why she was asking is because no one knows why he divorced his ex-wife, who was honestly such a catch (she placed everyone else before herself, was extremely nice to talk to, and oh yeah she's a shipyard heiress lol). She still is really good friends with him, and with us, but none of them will talk about their divorce. When I went over to my aunt's place, I started checking him out, and noticed that he has been hitting the gym a lot, crazy biceps man. He also drives a Ferrari but apparently his brother said he doesn't really use it much to pick up girls. It's interesting if another family member is gay, since I thought I was the only one.

I made new fag hag friends. I don't know why but girls really do love gay guys. I went over to my friend's place to play bananagrams and poker, and these two girls that were at the club last night were there. They asked me if I was feeling better, and after I confirmed to them that I'm gay (people weren't sure since I didn't tell them) immediately they adopted me as their new pet project and was like, "let's go to another gay club this Friday I'd introduce you to all my faaabulous friends." Haha. I think I'm going to try my best to be less guarded this time. Honestly I'm pretty happy with how things are turning out; it's really useful to have fag hag friends. They're so interested in hooking me up with a guy, and started asking me for what types of guys I prefer, whether I want to go to a gay gym with them etc... So funny. I asked them why do girls like gay guys so much, and they said it's because the straight guys in my country are all duds, and that the gay guys are so much hotter and more fun, and they get a kick out of playing matchmaker. I guess I can understand that.

My friend changed his stance about the halfie dude and is now aggressively trying to get us to meet up and stuff. In fact he invited me over to his place today. It's frankly very awkward. I'm not going to go. People are saying there's no harm in going over, but I think it's moving too fast and also I saw him nothing more than just a drunken hook-up (which didn't happen). I also don't want to come across as desperate...

Anyway I remember first listening to this song back in high school. I really like his voice.

Monday, February 11, 2013

I don't know what's wrong with me

I don't know what's wrong with me, but it's the morning now over here but I'm still pretty buzzed. Last night turned out to be a really bad night. I don't know what's wrong with me. Some times I really hate the way I overthink things.

I got by the usual Lunar New Year festivities, ignoring all the relatives who were prodding me to find a girlfriend/get married/have kids (seriously old Asian people are so obsessed with continuing the ancestral line) My friend and his partner came over, along with two girls, and they wow-ed at my place quite a lot, joked about how it should be in a magazine called Expat Living, which then made me realize that my digs is actually pretty expatty...we have huge ass modern Buddhas and shit everywhere. East meets West kind of modern architecture. Pretty cool.

Before I went out last night I actually told my family that I was going to meet up with a few of my gay friends and go out to a gay club. My brother had a few friends over to play FIFA and kick it with him, and my mom texted my sister in London that "the boys are having a lot of fun tonight." Haha, my mom is the best she's super cool about this whole thing I've been so honest and open with her I couldn't ask for more ESPECIALLY for an Asian fam seriously...

Anyway, so I went over to my gay friend's hotel (his parents kicked him out because he brought his English boyfriend home - le sigh), and pregamed there for a bit. I told them about all the negative gay experiences I've had in the past, where the first guy decided to date girls again, the second guy was actually in a straight relationship with one of my best friends, the third guy actually stole my phone and called me a faggot... and they told me that I have to rise above them and stop associating being gay with such negativity. They told me that being gay is nothing wrong and I should stop the self-bashing. I think it was pretty obvious to them that I wasn't comfortable at all with everything.

I was pretty liquored up when we got to the karaoke place. Before we left my friend told me, in private, that he might want to break it off with the dude because he said he isn't turned on by him anymore, and realized that he probably never was. I discounted this as him being a typical drama queen (he is one) and told him that the dude is actually really nice and he should hold off anything until after their vacay. We also brought three bottles to the karaoke place. There were two gay guys and two girls. One of them was pretty queeny, the other was also kinda campy, but he was pretty muscular and looked pretty exotic (half Chinese half Indian). I was really weird around the two of them at first, and the halfie (yeah I have a weakness for halfies) started talking to me. He quickly realized too that I was just very uncomfortable with this whole gay thing, in fact he actually asked me if I was gay because he wasn't sure. Things started to get pretty weird while we were karaokeing (btdubs karaoke is a fucking huge thing for me, I treat it really seriously ahahaha since I love singing and I was kinda annoyed they sang really campy songs like Cher Lloyd who idk who the fuck she is, and a lot of Gaga songs too...) because he started majorly hitting on me. He caressed my thigh a lot, and there was a lot of weird "behind the scenes" holding my hand and putting his hand a lil down my butt at the back haha. Not gonna lie, I did think he was cute and was pretty flattered by this so I reciprocated quite a bit, but after we left for the gay night at the club, he told me he wasn't coming with us because he felt responsible for the two girls he brought that weren't coming along. I tried to convince him otherwise, and he said he'd think about it.

When I got into the cab with my friends though, he told me that the chindian (half Chinese half Indian) is actually a huge manslut and that he is bad news and I should avoid him. He texted my friend to ask for my number, and my friend texted him back saying "No." that's it. Effectively all my friends cockblocked me from an "asshole" who wasn't "right for a newly out gay guy." It crushed me. I started feeling really odd, thinking that every guy I meet is going to be a huge fucking red flag somehow, just like in the past, and my drunken head started doing a lot of associating gay with negative shit thing, and out of nowhere I just became incredibly incredibly sad. I got to the club, paid the cover, got in, and was completely unable to have fun. I felt so incredibly guarded. Some white dude got handsy with me a lot, but I didn't reciprocate or anything so after a while he stopped and left his table. My friends were all so worried about me. They kept trying to make me dance, (in fact some of them got pretty handsy with me and I was like whattt, your boyfriend is standing right there) or pointing out the hot dudes in cages who were in their underwear dancing dirty, but it all just made me feel even worse. I just felt so dirty. I thought I was over this whole self-loathing phase. Honestly I thought I was fine with being gay. And it made me even more upset that my friends didn't understand why I was having such a hard time with this. Because I realized that I didn't understand why I was having such a hard time with this. Then my friend told me that he honestly was thinking about breaking it off with his boyfriend that night, and I felt so bad for the English dude because he's really nice, and I started thinking that all gay relationships will never end well, even the ones that appear all good and shit. I'm really dramatic in my head I know. I left early because I really couldn't take it. The club wasn't even that gay, but I just felt so, so shitty. I slipped out, cabbed back home by myself, called my best bud and started just bawling to him. I told him I hated being gay and I wanted to end my life. He told me to not do anything stupid and that he would come and pick me up instead. He's such a great guy honestly. I told him it's fine, I'm almost home. I continued just sobbing and choking up and I don't know what else I said to him I was pretty drunk.

I woke up this morning to texts from my friends from last night asking if I was okay. Honestly I have the best support system a newly out gay guy can ask for, but still I can't help but feel incredibly shitty about being gay some times. I don't know if it's actually worse than before coming out - but now I feel that I think about being intimate with a guy a lot, but when I realize that the reality is so much shadier and sketchier, I quickly got really sad. Honestly I don't feel like talking to people again and I'm afraid I'm falling into my 'bad place' once again, where I once didn't speak to anyone for a month. My roommates thought I was a fucking psycho. I hope I'm not going back there - I don't want to. It was torturous.

But I can't help it. I honestly hate myself so much some times. I thought I was ready to love myself. I don't get why I'm so messed up. This whole thing is just fucking with my head so much.