Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Casimir Pulaski Day

I just want to start off by saying I have a huge weakness for handsome, sensitive musicians. I think they are incredibly creative, and I am immensely attracted to talent. Maybe it's because I feel like I failed in pursuing what they all succeeded in. Maybe it's also because I can relate to the emotional vulnerability of their songwritings. But Sufjan Stevens is for sure one of the dudes that fit the bill. I rediscovered Casimir Pulaski Day as it came on my iTunes shuffle, and have been looping it for an hour so far.

Also, those wings are insanely creative. Also, his sexuality is incredibly ambiguous, although it doesn't matter, he is a beautiful man.

Also, just look at those arms.

Uhhhhchahcehca. Haha.

It is Valentine's Day soon and I am going to try my best to ignore the emptiness that I feel. The past few years I've always wished for a girlfriend that would "get me;" I guess this is the first time I'm properly thinking about a boyfriend instead. I met up with L and his English boyfriend J again (I really should give my friends names) last night, along with two other peeps. They brought up the topic of the half Indian dude again, and I was slightly annoyed because one of the guys there, who I just met that night, didn't know about me being gay, but whatever I guess. They reiterated again that he is not right for me. I got really pissed by the whole thing. Maybe it's because I've been in college in America for so long, but it honestly gets so tiring about how prudish people in my country are. L asked me "What do you want with him? A mindless fuck?" No? Why does harmless flirting and making out and maybe a quickie handjob or whatever make me a manwhore? I don't get it. I'm one of the most prudent people I know, but I definitely am not a prude nor am I a manwhore. I know what I'm doing. It's so fucking annoying how straight guys can hook up with girls all the time and get no flak, but once a gay guy hooks up with guys, he's immediately a manslut.

I started feeling really sad because I felt like my friends didn't understand me. First off, I am nowhere ready to have anal sex with a guy. That is extremely personal and it has to be with a person that I deeply care about. I might never even ever have anal sex, although I doubt it. Second, I don't get why they think that if I just make out with the guy, I would definitely have sex with him. That is not true. I've made out with tons of girls in college and didn't have sex with them. It's just a fun casual thing to do. You go out to a party, scope out the scene, find a cute girl, dance with her, and make out with her. That's it. It's not like I'm going to straddle the fucking bitch in the middle of the dance floor or fuck her face. None of my American friends gave me any shit for dancing with girls or whatever. Now the minute I decide to open myself up physically to guys, I am judged as a manwhore. I seriously don't get it. I am just a normal dude. I haven't had any intimate contact with anyone since September. I am not seeking validation from hooking up with people. I am not "filling up a void in my soul" or whatever fuckshit. I just want to have some casual fun, and that does not make me a whore.

I got really tired by the end of the night because they basically decided they need to find me a man to fuck. Sometimes, I really don't get gay people. It's like they should be the most understanding that everything is not just black and white, but for them they are so quick to put people into boxes at either end of some kind of spectrum. I am now extremely uncertain if I should be going to a gay club on Friday.

None of my gay friends are like me. They're either flamboyant, or the typical beefcake who gets shirtless every time they go out like the fucking Jersey Shore. And I'm tired of fag hags too, obsessing over me. What the fuck was I thinking, trying to make all these gay friends? Honestly this is getting so tiring. On one hand I reaallly want to make more gay friends so that I can potentially meet someone to mess around with, on the other hand I think I am becoming more and more convinced that I will never find a chill normal gay guy like me. So many gay people are fucking dramatic and over the top. I know I am, but I am in a different way, because I am struggling with a lot of shit in my head because I have been out for only a month now. And I fucking hated it that the fag hag lumped me together with all the "ohhh my goddd what are you wearinnggg honeeyyyy" type of people. Fag hags don't know shit about gay people! Okay, they know a ton of shit about a SPECIFIC type of gay people. How the fuck did me wanting to make out with some guy become such a fucking huge drama thing? Why the fuck did my friend L threaten to dump J on their holiday just because he pushed him into the fountain when he was trying to take a piss? Now I'm actually headed out to buy a fucking V-day card that is "big and red" for him to apologize to J for pulling such a cheap shot.

I'm fucking over this bro. Honestly I think I just need more straight guy friends now, just like how it was when I was back in college. They are the most uncomplicated and chill creatures. I had the most fun I had this week kicking it with the straight dude that was with us last night. L and J were sitting by the road figuring their relationship shit out (I guess I'm being really mean here...but really they quarreled over nothing and are probably going to split up after their vacay) We sat on a bench away from them, just talking and shooting the shit. He was super chill about everything, and after I made it pretty clear that I'm gay, by talking about how I felt really uncomfortable about how campy my first gay club experience since I came out was, he reassured me by saying that I shouldn't worry too much and would definitely find someone out there. There. That's chill. Like seriously. Instead of telling me that I need to find a guy to fuck to get it out of my system so I don't become a slut. Gay people and fag hags need to chill the fuck out. We are not all the same.

Man. This post quickly became bitchass angsty. Haha. How the hell did I get from Sufjan Stevens to this, oh boy.

1 comment:

  1. Did the old googling hot guy for shirtless pics routine for sufjan but sadly came up empty. Interestingly though, he does oscillate between being absolutely sexy to positively adorkable.

    Rest assured there are chill gay gays out there, just be patient and give them time to appear. But then again, what do I know? haha