Monday, February 18, 2013

Coming out #I lost count & My blog so far

A really good high school friend of mine contacted me yesterday and asked me how was life and everything. She's currently doing her PhD in Columbia in NYC. I told her a lot of things happened over the last month, and that I should have kept her in the loop. She asked me if they were good or bad things, and I explained to her how things were initially bad but now they're pretty good and I've been coasting for a while. I've been coming out to my friends mostly by sending them an email of a revised version of the second earliest post on this blog. I condensed it a lil. Hopefully none of them would be bored enough to google the letter I sent them, which might direct them to this blog...which would be awkward.

So I sent her the email, and she said all the right things to me. Which is great really. She told me she teared while reading my letter, and that she couldn't imagine hiding such a secret for so many years. I told her how I've been feeling kind of disconnected from the people back home, and how some people have been insensitive when I came out to them, mostly by trivializing the issue. I've talked about this before, which just goes to show how much it has affected me, but I think I have made up my mind to stop hanging out with fag hags from now on. They are unhealthy for me. They seem to think it's fabulous being gay. They don't know me. My friend got really angry for me, and apologized for the insensitivity of these friends, especially those who decided to stay within the country for college. There is a dearth of maturity of thought. She explained to me that she was planning to stay in NYC after graduation, that even with all of its flaws, New York is the city that she can best see herself living in. I wish I could consolidate all my supportive friends into one place with me, but they're scattered all over. I think it's really sad, but I've realized that many of my friends have uprooted themselves and settled down abroad, and most of the time it is because of the social stuffiness back home. It's funny how many Americans lament about how conservative America is (which to a certain extent many parts of the country is), but yet many pockets of places, like SF and NYC, have been heralded as paradises of social liberty. Maybe Europe is the most liberal of all, but in Asia, many people just choose the non-confrontational route of ignoring social problems away. This is why there is a stereotype that Asians are socially awkward. This is because we are trained not to communicate our feelings. People here are deeply mired in a petty and parochial view of the world. The most bizarre thing is that many of my international friends however, are thinking of settling down in my country. Friends from the Philippines, Indonesia, Korea, etc, because my country still has the most attractive career opportunities in the region, and they would largely be immune to the social judgment of the locals here for they are but foreigners. 

Click here This is an article about my generation in my home country. Although it applies pretty much globally, but the pace of progress in my motherland is stymied by the pursuit of materialism, which is at the core of many Asian values, sadly. 

Anyway, I started this blog the day I came out to my first person ever on Jan 14th. It's been a little over a month now, and I've been pretty satisfied with how things have progressed. I have over 800 pageviews on this blog, which isn't a lot compared to the other really popular blogs out there, but still pretty cool since 8 is an auspicious number in Asian culture. I humbly thank everyone who has been quietly reading, thanks for the support. I almost have no problem now in admitting to friends that I care about that I'm gay. But I also realize that I need to be patient, and that I need to stop wanting to speed things up. I have learned that this is a rather painfully slow process that needs to unfold within its natural course, and that's okay. I have a whole life ahead of me. I am terribly excited for what the future will bring for me now that I am more comfortable with who I am. But I need to learn patience too.

I don't really know why I write though. Most of my entries seem oddly repetitive to me; it's like I have to keep reminding myself that things are good and can only get better. I guess I write whenever I feel alone. Or a little lost. In two weeks' time I'd be starting my full-time job. I'd be making new friends I guess, although since I'm starting earlier than most fresh graduates, I would probably be the youngest there. Oh boy. So much change in 2013.

Anyway, this is my favorite song by deadmau5. I don't like most of his other stuff, although live, he is amazing (obviously though, in a non-sober state of mind. I saw him at this huge music festival in the Midwest a couple years back and it was pouring and he had his badass cubes on stage, and everyone around me was definitely rolling or something and were stomping in the mud and the rain having a whale of a time. I was a water tent volunteer for the festival, but the tent I was at was near enough so I saw the entire performance. One of my co-volunteers whipped out his pipe and packed a bowl in, and suffice to say I had a gnarly ass time.) The Veldt is incredibly, incredibly soothing, especially if you play Audiosurf with this track. The vocals were also added in after the instrumental was made, and the synergy between the two is breathtaking. Hands down one of my favorite songs ever.

1 comment:

  1. Good NYT article. Another problem of our generation: