Thursday, February 28, 2013

Happy pills

Wow. So I'm not sure if the pills have crack in them or it's all just psychological, but I feel a lot more positive now. Just last week the same stuff that I do this week depressed me, but this week it's different (does that make sense?). I have been sleeping a lot more now. I don't cry for whatever reason anymore. The first two days I had a bit of nausea, and when I woke up I felt fuzzy and pretty stoned in fact, it was cool. The high has worn off now.

Friday night was a blur. I found myself sitting and crying in the bushes by the road after ditching my friends, then I got home, and I told myself to stop crying but I couldn't. And my mom felt really helpless, and I know seeing me like that hurt her a lot. I said a lot of things, but I don't really remember what I said. The next day she got me to see a psychiatrist. It was hard talking to him, because I was hungover and very thirsty throughout.

I've always been a pretty disconnected individual, and I thought that my sense of isolation stemmed from hiding in the closet. When I saw that things were going bad for me again a few months ago, I wanted to kind of power through the whole coming out process in just a few short weeks, hoping that I would be liberated and finally feel happy. But I never really did get the whole denouement that others who came out seemed to get - I still felt incredibly sad and burdened. And maybe my head took this "failure" too hard, and pushed me into "clinical depression." I don't know. I'm a lot better now though.

My parents have been tiptoeing around this "crazy" kid over here, frequently checking in on me and asking "how do you feel today?" etc. It's nice I guess. I downloaded the DVD for Perks of Being A Wallflower, and this second time round, I absolutely loved it. It gives me so much hope, and I think it does in fact do the book justice (the first time I saw it I thought it did the book a huge disservice).

I saw Ellie Goulding a few days ago. She is amazing. I was so happy. She is honestly the only girl I would marry, hah. She's so cool, seriously. I'm linking one of her songs here.

I'm starting work next week. There's a gym in the building, and I'm hoping that I'd have time to continue going to the gym and everything...might be hard with a job. I just started this whole gym thing though. Never really cared since I find it almost impossible to pack on any mass. I might invest in protein powder now though. Or I might just quit this whole thing. Or I might become vegan and start meditating. Who knows.


This is a picture of my scrawny-ass self (ignore the inappropriate crotch grab there). Wow, my first ever guyswithiphones type of shot.  Hopefully I'd be able to post up a more swoll pic in half a year or something (if I keep this up).

This is one of her slower songs.

This is a more upbeat electronic song. Man. She's like sensitive but also edgy and knows how to party. Dude, what an awesome chick yo. That's basically what I want in a guy.


  1. Have you heard Norah Jones' Happy Pills off her most recent album(love it btw) before?

    Super applicable to what you talked about as it is about her emancipation from a relationship (depression in your case) and has the same title. haha. I also caught her performance last wed!

    And I wouldn't consider you to be scrawny at all.


    1. i don't usually listen to norah jones, but that's a really good song though, thanks bud! and cool, i didn't know she came to our little island

    2. No problem, she has moved away from her jazzy roots to more of a bluesy indie rock pop sound with her last few albums although her more jazzy stuff are still classics. And I also didn't know Ellie was here. haha