Monday, February 11, 2013

I don't know what's wrong with me

I don't know what's wrong with me, but it's the morning now over here but I'm still pretty buzzed. Last night turned out to be a really bad night. I don't know what's wrong with me. Some times I really hate the way I overthink things.

I got by the usual Lunar New Year festivities, ignoring all the relatives who were prodding me to find a girlfriend/get married/have kids (seriously old Asian people are so obsessed with continuing the ancestral line) My friend and his partner came over, along with two girls, and they wow-ed at my place quite a lot, joked about how it should be in a magazine called Expat Living, which then made me realize that my digs is actually pretty expatty...we have huge ass modern Buddhas and shit everywhere. East meets West kind of modern architecture. Pretty cool.

Before I went out last night I actually told my family that I was going to meet up with a few of my gay friends and go out to a gay club. My brother had a few friends over to play FIFA and kick it with him, and my mom texted my sister in London that "the boys are having a lot of fun tonight." Haha, my mom is the best she's super cool about this whole thing I've been so honest and open with her I couldn't ask for more ESPECIALLY for an Asian fam seriously...

Anyway, so I went over to my gay friend's hotel (his parents kicked him out because he brought his English boyfriend home - le sigh), and pregamed there for a bit. I told them about all the negative gay experiences I've had in the past, where the first guy decided to date girls again, the second guy was actually in a straight relationship with one of my best friends, the third guy actually stole my phone and called me a faggot... and they told me that I have to rise above them and stop associating being gay with such negativity. They told me that being gay is nothing wrong and I should stop the self-bashing. I think it was pretty obvious to them that I wasn't comfortable at all with everything.

I was pretty liquored up when we got to the karaoke place. Before we left my friend told me, in private, that he might want to break it off with the dude because he said he isn't turned on by him anymore, and realized that he probably never was. I discounted this as him being a typical drama queen (he is one) and told him that the dude is actually really nice and he should hold off anything until after their vacay. We also brought three bottles to the karaoke place. There were two gay guys and two girls. One of them was pretty queeny, the other was also kinda campy, but he was pretty muscular and looked pretty exotic (half Chinese half Indian). I was really weird around the two of them at first, and the halfie (yeah I have a weakness for halfies) started talking to me. He quickly realized too that I was just very uncomfortable with this whole gay thing, in fact he actually asked me if I was gay because he wasn't sure. Things started to get pretty weird while we were karaokeing (btdubs karaoke is a fucking huge thing for me, I treat it really seriously ahahaha since I love singing and I was kinda annoyed they sang really campy songs like Cher Lloyd who idk who the fuck she is, and a lot of Gaga songs too...) because he started majorly hitting on me. He caressed my thigh a lot, and there was a lot of weird "behind the scenes" holding my hand and putting his hand a lil down my butt at the back haha. Not gonna lie, I did think he was cute and was pretty flattered by this so I reciprocated quite a bit, but after we left for the gay night at the club, he told me he wasn't coming with us because he felt responsible for the two girls he brought that weren't coming along. I tried to convince him otherwise, and he said he'd think about it.

When I got into the cab with my friends though, he told me that the chindian (half Chinese half Indian) is actually a huge manslut and that he is bad news and I should avoid him. He texted my friend to ask for my number, and my friend texted him back saying "No." that's it. Effectively all my friends cockblocked me from an "asshole" who wasn't "right for a newly out gay guy." It crushed me. I started feeling really odd, thinking that every guy I meet is going to be a huge fucking red flag somehow, just like in the past, and my drunken head started doing a lot of associating gay with negative shit thing, and out of nowhere I just became incredibly incredibly sad. I got to the club, paid the cover, got in, and was completely unable to have fun. I felt so incredibly guarded. Some white dude got handsy with me a lot, but I didn't reciprocate or anything so after a while he stopped and left his table. My friends were all so worried about me. They kept trying to make me dance, (in fact some of them got pretty handsy with me and I was like whattt, your boyfriend is standing right there) or pointing out the hot dudes in cages who were in their underwear dancing dirty, but it all just made me feel even worse. I just felt so dirty. I thought I was over this whole self-loathing phase. Honestly I thought I was fine with being gay. And it made me even more upset that my friends didn't understand why I was having such a hard time with this. Because I realized that I didn't understand why I was having such a hard time with this. Then my friend told me that he honestly was thinking about breaking it off with his boyfriend that night, and I felt so bad for the English dude because he's really nice, and I started thinking that all gay relationships will never end well, even the ones that appear all good and shit. I'm really dramatic in my head I know. I left early because I really couldn't take it. The club wasn't even that gay, but I just felt so, so shitty. I slipped out, cabbed back home by myself, called my best bud and started just bawling to him. I told him I hated being gay and I wanted to end my life. He told me to not do anything stupid and that he would come and pick me up instead. He's such a great guy honestly. I told him it's fine, I'm almost home. I continued just sobbing and choking up and I don't know what else I said to him I was pretty drunk.

I woke up this morning to texts from my friends from last night asking if I was okay. Honestly I have the best support system a newly out gay guy can ask for, but still I can't help but feel incredibly shitty about being gay some times. I don't know if it's actually worse than before coming out - but now I feel that I think about being intimate with a guy a lot, but when I realize that the reality is so much shadier and sketchier, I quickly got really sad. Honestly I don't feel like talking to people again and I'm afraid I'm falling into my 'bad place' once again, where I once didn't speak to anyone for a month. My roommates thought I was a fucking psycho. I hope I'm not going back there - I don't want to. It was torturous.

But I can't help it. I honestly hate myself so much some times. I thought I was ready to love myself. I don't get why I'm so messed up. This whole thing is just fucking with my head so much.

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