Saturday, March 30, 2013

我要的幸福


So I know I tend to give the impression that I hate being Asian. I actually love, love, love, being Chinese. We have such a ridiculously rich culture and history, although I know very little about it but it already astounds me. This is one of my favorite songs ever. The title loosely means "The happiness that I want"  in English. If you know Mandarin, the lyrics are actually incredible. She is from my country too :) I love her haha, since I was like, 12 or something.

Anyway, I've been going wild. It has been a lot of fun though; I'm thoroughly enjoying myself. I've adopted a pretty devil-may-care attitude in life lately, which is great because this is really who I am, and I'm becoming more and more comfortable to be as crazy as I was before. Because honestly, I don't give a shit about a lot of things in life and I think that's okay. I'm still being responsible to some slight degree.

Friday night I had a dinner date with Dutchie. He wore a some sort of floral shirt again with neon orange pants...hahaha for some reason I STILL find him ridiculously adorable. I'm smitten I know. We had dinner at some shitty bakery that was supposed to be good, but my squid ink curry tasted like ass (I'm still allowed to say this because I haven't tasted ass, although someone tasted mine lmao). We quickly ate up, it was a good dinner, I told him a few of my quirks and he laughed a lot (like how I'm an old person and sleep with earplugs, an eye mask and socks at night...It started frosh year when my insomniac roommate would have his computer light on at 5 am, and with the clicking of the keyboard, I just had to have complete silence and darkness to sleep now. Haha. And the socks are really just because I sweat a lot under my sheets and I hate sweaty feet) We then headed over to a helipad rooftop bar, where the line was an hour wait grrrarrrll, but we got up in the end and joined our other friends. There were literally no Asians around. So many white people in my country really! Expat bubble seriously. So I mingled a lil, got to know a couple of cute dudes, none were gay though, Dutchie's cute Brit girl friend hooked up with this absolute Swedish cutie. Music was great, view was gnarly dude, and I was lovin' it. I suggested hitting up the gay bars again (I'm such a scene queen), and this bitchass girl told me "Omg but why should straight people go to gay clubs, my straight friend went and he was traumatized for life when a guy tried to touch him, I don't think I wanna go" And I went ballistic. I was like "Well your friend's a fucking fag for being such a pussy, honestly now he knows how girls feel like in clubs so he should be a fucking gentleman and stop grinding up on pussy anymore if he doesn't like the feeling of guys trying to get fresh with him" And she was like "omg chill out!" Whatever ho. SO ignorant it really makes my blood boil. In the end we ditched all the fug bitches and bounced to the gay bar with Dutchie and my local gay friend.

Dutchie talked to me a lot again, and told me that three weeks ago he told his bf that he doesn't love him and wants to break it off. His bf told him he has to go back home and settle it first before he can come to a conclusion. He asked me if I was his bf, wouldn't I want the same? I told him yes. I told him I need to know though, if we are going to remain friends forever, or friends until May, because this matters to me. He gave me a vague answer and said "All I know is that I like you." He also told me that he hasn't been having fun, with like hooking up with his bf and stuff. I told him we're gonna drink tonight, and I wasn't gonna try anything with him, but he needs to let his guard down. As usual though, I couldn't really control my drinking, and did hold his hand for a lil bit. He didn't resist. My army straight ally buddy came again with his lezzie friends, we had a whale of a time, other cute girl friends of mine came too and my army buddy was like "Gay people hang out with such cute girls!!!" I got really really smashed though :( And blacked out again...Somehow ended up sneaking into the storeroom and stealing a bottle of beer, and using the bar counter to open it, which led me to getting kicked out with a huge scene. I'm terrible I know. I don't know how to deal with my alcoholic troubles. This always happens...fuck. Other people feel sick, I don't I just go crazy with absolutely no restraint. Bah...Dutchie ditched me and I called him and told him not to talk to me again. Haha.

In short, Friday night was fucking terrible. I got banned from my favorite gay bar here, and Dutchie and I fell out.

Saturday I met up with Aussie for seafood buffet lunch. It was pretty good, other than the fact we were in line for an hour. After that we were stuffed, and walked around for a bit. We were really hanging out like buds. He tells me he met up with 2 really muscular dudes other than me on his trip, one who's 21, the other's 36. He bottomed for the 36 yo dude, but came really quickly because he was high on poppers. He showed me pictures of the dudes' bodies, and I started feeling kinda shitty because my body's clearly the worst out of all of them, but Aussie tells me that he hangs out with me the most and that I shouldn't care too much about shit like that. I tell him, yeah that's actually true, we're like the definition of fuck buddies, except we don't exactly fuck. Hahaha. Then I drive back to his hotel where we attempted to take a nap...haha. Pretty much just ended up getting naked and cuddling on his bed. He actually fell asleep but I couldn't. It felt weird. It's actually a pretty nice feeling to lie beside someone. I really enjoyed it. Anyway, this was the most I've ever spent naked in front of another person. Seriously just naked the entire afternoon in his hotel, cuddling and watching TV. He showed me a couple of sex positions lol, without actually boning me of course, but he kept growling and saying he wanted to. Like there was one where I'm lying on my stomach, and he's above me and just pounds me while grabbing my hair. It's probably the most normal sex position ever, but still it's new to me. When he was "pounding" me I started laughing again thinking how this is like porn. Seriously this is all so amusing to me!

We then went to his hotel gym to work out for a bit. There was a pervy dude there that kept impishly grinning at us. He left, and we started getting a bit kinky and making out and grabbing dick while bench pressing. Hahaha. It was super hot. Like, I would bench and he would spot me, and after I'm done he'd bend down and kiss me with his head the other way from mine. We then did sit ups and when he got up, I kissed him too. Haha. Then we were like shit, there's a camera. Lolol. Then we got back to the room, I showered while he did laundry, and we were prepping to hit a gay club for the night. He wore a brief with the front being mesh and shit haha it was pretty hot. We got to the club, paid 25 bucks for free flow, and we started getting drinks and just talking about dudes and checking out the people in the club and everything. A Turk comes to talk to me after Aussie leaves to get us drinks, and he asks if the Aussie's my bf. I said no. We start talking a bit, and he asks me if I have my eyes on anyone in the club, and I said well, not really. And he sweet talks me and tells me "Why not? I've looked around and you're definitely the cutest guy in the room so you can get anyone you want" Bullshit. Apparently after I leave he tells Aussie guy that he thinks he's cute too. I joke to the Turk and say that my Aussie friend says he's itching for a threesome tonight, and the Turk's like "I'm open to anything." I laugh, because it was a joke, yknow? This older lady comes to talk to me with two of her gay friends (seriously I am a cougar-magnet) and after a bit of talking she asks me if I'm gay or straight, and I say gay and she's like "damn it." Lol. She's super cool though, so Aussie and I sandwich-dance with her a bit. Turk comes in and says something about wanting to get in on this. I tell him I'd show him something, and I lean in and make out with the Aussie. The Turk grabs me and starts making out with me too, and for some reason I don't know why but when people make out with me, I feel bad and don't usually reject them. I didn't find him attractive at all, but we make out anyway. Then he makes out with the Aussie, and for some reason, we do a three-way kiss...Like three tongues and shit. I was like, wow, hahaha. Pretty hot that everyone was looking, I've really just gotten to the point where I don't give a shit about what people say. I tell the cougar that I think this Asian dude is cute, and she wings me and gets me to talk to him. The guy says he's honored but his bf wouldn't be happy. Dang it. Every time I find a dude cute, he's attached :o(

So I go outside and there's a guy who I think is Spanish who offers me a cig. I take it, just because really. I don't even really smoke. We make a lil small talk, and then I ask him if he's scouted out any cute guys in the club, and he tells me "Well...there's you." HAH! Dude. What a great line. I laugh and say thanks and shit, and for some reason we start making out too!!! And I'm like what??? I find Aussie and he's pissed I didn't pick up my call and I apologize and say I was making out with that dude. I feel slightly slutty for saying that, but honestly it was just harmless fun. We go back in, and Turk tells us we should bounce and go to the gay bar that I got banned from. I walk up there nervously, the bouncer totally recognizes me, and tells me to own up to my shit. And I apologize and say I was super drunk and offered to pay back for the beer I stole. I pay him, and he tells me the next time I do something like that he would call the cops. I say yes, definitely not gonna happen again. I get in and I'm ecstatic! I love this bar seriously because people are chill, friendly, and the drinks are great and cheap.

Here was when things started getting weird and shitty. Memory's a bit bad, but wasn't entirely blacked out bad, but apparently I got a number from someone (I texted him and was like How are you, I met you at (this gay club) right? and he was like, "No we met at (this gay bar), and I was waiting for you and you didn't answer your call." What the. I have no memory of this dude. I apologize to him, and he texts back "It's okay, you're forgiven, spank spank (spanking emoticons)." O.K. this is not one gay-bro I want to contact with) We left to get some mickey d's, and there was suddenly a fourth dude in our gang. Like seriously, Aussie and I were discussing today, he popped out of nowhere. Lol. Some lil Asian guy, who was kinda sassy. He really wants to get into Aussie's pants. Aussie says no, because of me, and I tell the Asian guy in Mandarin that he and I are just friends, and he's welcomed to go ahead. Drama ensues, because Aussie tells me that I'm acting like a dick (apparently I kept telling him "fuck off bitch" and I actually left an audio message to Dutchie "fuck off bitch" too. GRARRRLLL. How do I control my drinking really...) and the Asian guy starts grilling me that I was lying to him, that Aussie and I are banging, "your car is parked at his hotel!" And I'm like we're not banging! (not technically) And everyone gets pissed at me because Turk apparently thought the threesome was really happening "Fuck you guys! I bought you guys drinks and shit you led me on!!!" And my mind is just going crazy thinking about what the hell is happening, I just wanted friends and people wanted to bang, and so I bounce with Aussie and I crash at his place.

So this is what I've learned. I'm a bit of a fool. I think it's fun to make out with people, but I've learned that this so obviously sends the wrong signals to people, who are all about the goddamn sex! It's so weird! I can't believe the Turk really though we were gonna have a threesome with the Aussie. I can't believe the Asian dude was really pissed also that Aussie didn't want to bring him home. We were just four friends having drunchies at Mac's seriously, why does sex have to come in?

In the morning I wake up Aussie dude, and we cuddle a bit naked in bed again, he starts packing up, I watch TV, then we take a shower together. Haha. I like taking showers with people now. My phone is dying, so I turned it off the night, and turned it on in the morning with 6% battery left and my parents freaking out because I didn't tell them I wasn't going home...I drive Aussie back to my place (parking was so expensive omfg it was 21 bucks haha cos I parked overnight), he waits in the car, I appease my parents and apologize to them, and then bounce and grab lunch with Aussie. Showed him the suburban neighborhood of mine, he said it looks like Australia. After lunch, I drive him to the train station, and he starts wanking me off in the car. I tell him I've thought about how people drive and someone's sucking them off, and he reaches over and starts sucking me off. It's bright out and I start thrusting in his face a lil. It was incredibly hot, I reach over and touch him and he's stiff too. Hah. Then I drop him off at the station, we do a farewell hug, he tells me he'd give me a big kiss if there wasn't so many people around, and I tell him to come visit again. He tells me to visit Australia to flyboard with him.


(This is flyboarding. Basically, Iron Man in water and it's so cool I have to try it)


Oh and yeah, Aussie gave me a parting gift. Hahaha. Gonna miss hanging out with him.

So I think I'm staying in tonight. Way too tired haha. Was gonna go to Holi with Dutchie but I crashed in the afternoon. I made plans to have dinner with him tomorrow, and I'm gonna bring him to have local food. So yeah! I don't know what to think about how wild I've been so far, but honestly I've done this with girls in college haha... I guess I'm a bit of an asshole, but I'm just having a bit of fun! I'm gonna be a lot more upfront about the no-sex policy though with people I meet in the future...In other news, I've not been going to the gym much...yesterday doesn't count since we mostly were just fooling around. And also I think it's kinda crazy how I've not made out with a single Asian yet, out of the 7-8 people I've messed around with...I'm so not sticky rice material.

Thursday, March 28, 2013

NSFW


I'm writing this at work now because I'm falling asleep reading absolutely anything because I've been incurring a major sleep debt over the last couple of days. I'm also debating as to whether I should publish this post because this is really the most graphic post I've ever written, it's basically porn. I mean, it's a sex story so yeah.
 
So, basically, I almost had a weiner up my butt last night. It started out really innocently, I canceled on Dutchie for dinner to meet up with Aussie instead, and I lied to Dutchie that I had made prior plans and somehow he saw through it and got pissed with me for lying and made a huge deal about it. I'm not so sure now, he's really a bit of a drama queen, but honestly I still think he's adorbs. I'm silly I know.
 
So I parked my car at Aussie's hotel (I know, cheeky me), so that we could take the train together to get seafood buffet. However, he had booked a 10 pm thing to do indoor sky-diving, and so we didn't have time to eat our hearts out, and decided on Thai food instead. It was good just talking to him and shit, seriously just like friends. He told me that at the gay club on Sunday after I left he went back in, and people asked him if I was his boyfriend. Haha. I followed him to the indoor sky-diving place, and in the cab it was really funny because the cab driver asked the Aussie "So are you here for holiday? Good place to choose, very easy to get around" And I cheekily said "Yes he's totally here to get around" And he sniggered and playfully punched me a lil. The indoor sky-diving thing was honestly kinda boring to watch, like most of them looked like total noobs, including Aussie himself. I didn't want to do it because it wasn't cheap plus I don't really find it that interesting. Back on the train ride, we talked about how I've bungee jumped along the Nile, white water rafted along the Nile too, did those slingshot bungee things, went whale-watching, kayaking out to an island, etc, and he shared his stories of actual sky-diving, kayaking (but not really kayaking it was to catch the waves instead? I assumed it was some Aussie thing), bridge-climbing, etc. And then things got a little bit cheeky, because I told him that I get really turned on by like doing shit in public, like how when we made out in front of the shopping mall it was really hot. We started talking about our first experiences with dudes, and his was really nasty, while I guess mine was a lil more puppy love. Anyway, I felt really weird because it was extremely apparent that I was so much less experienced than him, since I've never used lube, never had a guy slept over at my place, never cuddled with a dude, never showered with a dude, never even really did anything with men sober...And I was feeling kind of uncomfortable because he was like "Are you serious?!?!" at everything. I don't know man, I really had no clue so many people have had so much sex lol. I'm really silly to think that people are a lot more chaste.
 
So we went up to his hotel, and started watching this ridiculous show called Geordie Shore. Like, seriously trashy as donkey dick! The girls looked like cocaine whores! But the guys were all incredibly hot! And I'm not being biased here, it's really the truth. The guys were all obviously tools though, but the muscles on screen started making me feel a lil cheeky so I kinda reached over him to grab a water bottle, and he leans in and kisses me. This goes on for a while, before he starts unbuttoning my pants for a bit, and unbuttoning my shirt, and he went about it all really slow. He leaves my shirt half unbuttoned and my pants half off, and he plays with my nipples again and I just close my eyes and I don't know dude. Haha. After a while, he got really aggressive and pulled my pants down really hard, and basically got me naked on his bed. He took his clothes off too, grabbed some lube, and started just rubbing our dicks together. He's on top of me now and we get some kind of rhythm going and I'm so amused because this is just like porn. I don't know why but all these sexual encounters I've had recently have just been thoroughly amusing to me, because I'm like what? This is sex? What the flying fuck? It's kinda awesome.
 
Then I decide to suck him off. This is really the first time I'm doing this sober. I've only done this three times in my life before, and each time I was hammered as fuck, so I don't really remember much? But wow, I am really not good at sucking someone off :S I kept choking up and he was like "ow ow teeth" for a few times, but honestly it was because he was fucking huge! I don't know dude but I wasn't used to that LOL, like hands down the biggest I've dealt with so far. But I did manage to take it all in quite a bit, so that was kinda cool. He didn't like blowjobs much though, so after a while he started playing with my ass while sucking me off...This was really weird. He kept telling me to relax, and he would kiss my ear and whisper into them to tell me to relax, but I was so tense. I hated his finger and I just fucking refused to let it in. Lol. There were a couple of times I relented, but I stopped after a while because it hurt so much. I don't feel no G-spot shit bro, fuck that!!! It hurts! Also I REALLY felt like taking a shit after that and it killed the mood for me a bit so I told him to stop after a while. He did end up rimming me and I was thoroughly amused again as to why people like ass so much...I wasn't feeling it at all. But he loved it and he was crazy stiff. He's this pretty big dude with slight fuzz all over his body, plump nipples, big muscly arms, and he really took control of the situation and it turned me on loads man. Like he held my hand up against the bed frame and just rubbed his dick all over my abs and it was really hot. The TV started playing Thai music for a bit and I laughed a little, and in between him necking me I started thinking if people always had meandering thoughts while having sex. I felt a bit like Bridget Jones there and then, and felt kinda fucking pathetic so I snapped out of it and decided to return the favor and sucked on his nipples and fingered him a lil. He wanted me to REALLY clamp down on his tits it was insane. I also tried to like neck him and shit but man I am so awkward with all these??? Definitely need more practice. 
 
I ask him if he wants to get fucked, and he says yes, and I say ok I don't know why I asked that because I don't think I'd be able to fuck you. Haha. Yeah I'm weird. But he sits on top of me, and he puts my dick slightly up his ass, and he goes up and down it for a while, but for some reason I go soft...So he gets off me, and he lays there, kind of like lying down on a picnic mat you know, I don't know the names of all these positions really, but so yeah he puts my ass on his left thigh, and we start kissing while I can feel his dick circling around my butthole. For some reason, I was incredibly turned on by that. We started getting a rhythm going on again, and his dick becomes incredibly hard and I see that his eyes are just rolling over with euphoria. He loves it, and he growls to me and tells me that if I keep doing this he's gonna lose control and actually start pounding me. I tease him a bit more because it really did feel kinda good, but by this time we're exhausted. We lie in bed for a bit and he tells me that we should just jerk off and end it if not he's really going to rape me. Lawl. He also laughs and tells me that I'm clearly a bottom. I gave him an impish look but inside I was more like holy fuck, I'm the fucking bitch fuck my life. So now he once agains pushes all my buttons by sucking on my nipples (nipple play is a huge huge turn-on for me my toes curl up, seriously no joke) carresses me all over with his strong hands, and I can still feel his dick up my butt a lil. And he slightly pounds me that way, and I just go nuts and I shoot a huge load everywhere. Like holy fuck. It shot all over his sheets too, on my chest and everything. Best orgasm I ever had. And I lie there panting like a dog, and I'm seriously dead by this time. Then it was his turn, and I kiss him and finger him (He really likes the arse!) and after a while he busts too. And we lie there cum everywhere exhausted as fuck. He has a handy towel there so we clean up, and joke about how the housekeeping there must really hate him because his sheets are gross every night! (Yes he is a bit of a slut...he has shagged other dudes while here.) We go into the shower together and this is the first time I've ever showered with a man. He soaps me up and grabs me from behind against the wall and plays with my nipples again while rubbing his dick between my butt crack. Horndog really... We make out for a bit, and we soap each other up. Got dressed, he told me to stay over, I said I have work and can't just go in the same clothes again, and I could see he was kinda disappointed that I was just "blow and go," but I told him it really wasn't the case. He really likes cuddling (He told me) so I guess he thought we were gonna do some of that. I really don't know the protocol for all this though so I just apologize, tell him I had a great time, and he tells me he'd contact me again. We make out a bit more, and I leave.
 
On my way back again my mind is just going wild remembering all the things that happened that night. I started freaking out a bit too because he didn't use a condom, but I did ask him if he has HIV or anything else (he got tested in December and was negative) and I told him WELLL I'm a virgin (he refused to believe me because he said that I'm really kinky for a virgin lolwtf) so I'm all good, and so I went online to google if I could get any shit from partial anal penetration but apparently the likelihood of that is extremely low. Which is awesome. Because I do not ever want to get HIV. Like seriously. So I'm freaking out about all this and I tell my fratbro/footballer gay friend about this on Facebook and he laughs a "hahahahahahahahahahhaa just be safe bro!" thing and I'm giggling and seriously...this is hilarious to me! Did I just have...almost-sex? Man. That's hot dude.
 
So yeah I don't know what to think about all this, except I had a lot of fun. It was so funny when I had to look around the room to find my boxers, my pants, my wallet and shit because it was everywhere, and it was funnier walking out of the hotel at 3 in the morning with a JBF (just been fucked) face, I was completely exhausted my eyes were super chinky like I was stoned or something. We talked this morning again, and we're having a seafood buffet lunch tomorrow. Mussles and cockles, sea cucumber, starfish. Wahahaha. I'm kidding.
 
So I'm really fucking sleepy, but tomorrow's a public holiday, and I'm going to have dinner with Dutchie tonight, then we're going to a rooftop bar to meet up with the other exchange students, and after that I possibly might bounce to meet Aussie at a gay bar. And uh, idk, maybe sleep over if I get in the mood. Just for shits and giggles. I'm real exhausted though, I just tried to take a nap in the bathroom stall but the dude beside me was taking massive farts and oh god I just felt like hurling. 


Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Tricksy

Me:
my mouths just really dry all the time
even tho i drink a lot of water
and i feel really fatigued
Dutchie:
maybe you caught some kind of kissing disease
Me:
hahaha i was actually thinking about that too...
Dutchie:
...disgusting
now you can definitely kiss farewell
Me:
hahahaha
to what
Dutchie:
to kissing me
HAHAHAHA
Me: wait was that a possibility?
Dutchie: okay im off for dinner
Me:
u answer my question now
(Dutchie's full name)
dont leave me hanging!!!!
Dutchie: bye
Me: !!!!!!
id just take that as a yes
Filthy, tricksy Dutchie!!!

Monday, March 25, 2013

Cheeky cheeky weekend


Wow, I am incredibly, incredibly sleepy at work since I only had three hours of sleep last night. This weekend was unbelievable. I had never imagined I would have done things like that in the past. I'd just go about things chronologically.

Dinner with Dutchie was interesting, because another mutual friend invited me out for dinner, so we all went together instead, and it was 3 guys and a girl. All night though we steal exchanged cheeky little sneaky glances, how adorable...Anyhow, dinner was meh, but one thing I learned was that none of the guys have ever kissed a girl! Oh my. They didn't even try! It reminded me of the video of What Gay Guys Think of Vaginas, hilarious really. We had a couple beers after being joined by our Turkish friend, it was a pretty chill affair. Initially I was gonna go to a bar with Dutchie to meet a couple other friends, but since that bar was closing, I told him that I was going to bring him to another bar instead. I lied and told him it was just a regular bar. Hahaha. When we got there along with the other gay guy in our group, he was livid. Cheeky meeee. Anyhow, I went in, and met up with two of my straight army buddies, who dressed more flamboyantly than usual ("What??? We're trying to blend in!" - facepalm) [like seriously one dude wore a frickin' snood], and we had a good ass time just drinking the really strong drinks and people-watching. Dutchie was really uncomfortable because he didn't want to drink and end up almost making out with me like the first time we met. I didn't exactly drink that much too since I was driving. I drunk-drove in the end, oops my b. Gave a ride to Dutchie back to his dorm, went up to charge my phone, and started just confiding in him about my life. Things got pretty heavy and I started tearing quite a bit though. He hugged me, and I actually really liked that. He also confided in me that he wasn't sure if he's just with his bf out of convenience now, or whether he actually still loves him. However, he feels that the sensible thing is to return to the Dam earlier, and figure things out with his guy. I asked him, but what if that fails, you would probably not come back again. And he replied a cryptic "You never know." I have no clue what he's thinking. I suspect he has no clue what he's thinking too. When we got really, like really close, he told me that I should leave. What a faithful guy really! I apologized, and left, driving home and falling asleep on the road...yikessss. Thank god I made it home in one piece.

Saturday night I met up with my two childhood buddies and one of their girlfriends for oysters and happy hour drinks. We had a whale of a time getting a bit buzzed and talking smack about everything. Then we left for the same gay bar I went to on Friday night (seriously what awesome straight ally friends I have), and my buddies were visibly uncomfortable by the lack of chicks in the bar ahaha. They told me to walk around by myself and see what happens, which was a mistake really because I didn't end up going back to the table, and they left without me. What happened that night was just fucking insane. I got pretty hammered, but still semi-lucid, and started becoming really friendly talking to everyone in the bar. And then I started getting hit on hardcore. The first guy that came to me was this really old European dude who fucking stuck his hands down my pants on the dance floor. He told me that he had to leave because his boyfriend was outside but they wouldn't mind a threesome. I was so disgusted by this lack of morality, yet strangely turned on by that. I don't really remember the details, but basically that night at least three guys made out with me (it was really not the other way round), none of whose faces I remember. At the end of the night as the bar was closing, a guy dragged me into the bathroom and we started making out again and then he went down on me. Then the management knocked on the door and said the bar was closing, and when we both scuttled out of the bathroom I was laughing my head off at how fucking ridiculous this all was. And then I found myself on my bed safe and sound the next day.

I was messaging the Dutchie when he told me that I apparently drunk dialed him the night before. I asked him what did I say? And he told me that I told him I loved him, and whether I could go over to his place. He laughed and told me sure, but I guess I ended up going home instead. I asked him why'd he pick up my call at 4.30 in the morning, and he said he was worried I got myself into trouble. Awwww adorabalelelelblblblblbeeee

Now Sunday was different. Saturday might really read as a borderline manslut night, but honestly more than anything I was just highly amused by the unfolding of the events. It was all just very funny in my head. I'm probably not going to allow this to happen to me again, since it really does come across as very slutty, but I honestly had a whale of a time during the process itself. I don't think much of it, so I think I'm fine.

But okay maybe I am falling down the slippery slope of manslutdom though. Sunday night I met up with Aussie dude at the SAME gay bar that I've been to three nights in a row. I saw a high school senior that has been there all three nights I was there too, and I saw him smoking a cig and checking out his Grindr. I felt really sad for him, because it was clear that his sexuality has defined him, and now he seeks validation only from having sex with other men. He also has horribly dyed hair and looks ghastly now. Anyway, this was the first time I was meeting Aussie dude since we've been talking on Jackd and Line. He did look like his pictures but his complexion was pretty bad though and his body wasn't as good, while I'm pretty sure I look better than my pictures, but that's cool with me, because he was a real chill gay-bro. Like honestly the first time I've met an actual chill gay-bro who's not putting on an act or anything, but is really just a regular guy into guys. We chatted for a bit at the bar and I was actually insanely comfortable talking to him, really just a bro swapping stories with a bro and shit. I drove since it was my backup plan to not drink too much and bounce early for work if I didn't end up liking to hang with him. We got into my car and I drove us down to the club I was gonna bring him to for gay night. My initial plan was to wing him a few guys, since I made it clear to him that I wasn't having anal with him. In the car we look at each other a bit here and there and when he grazes my inner arm to grab the audio jack I got so turned on I had an immediate boner it was strange. I haven't felt this kind of sexual tension for a really long time. 

When I got to the club, I felt REALLY weird, because there were a few people who recognized me and kept coming up to say hi. For some reason over the last two weekends that I've gone to gay clubs I've made a number of friends. I don't remember their names though I feel really bad... Aussie dude commented to me saying that I'm a "scene queen" and I didn't really like that. When I asked one of the guys who came up to say hi how's Sunday night at the club we were at since it was only my second time there, he snapped at me in a total diva manner "OMG stop playing with me ok you can drop the act." I was like, the fuck are you talking about? "I've really only been here twice, so I don't know how gay night here is." I think for some reason he was thinking that I was one of those "in denial" gayboys, and was so incredibly bitchy about it. Good god gays are so bitchy some times argh! 

I also met the bartender that I totally hit on two weekends ago, and now without the beer goggles I realized how incredibly feminine his voice was! Wow. Interesting really, I had no clue. So Aussie dude and I dance for a bit, and it was so awkward for me because I've never really like danced with a guy like how I've danced with girls, and I kept getting boners and he kept cheekily staring at my crotch. A couple guys came and tried to hit on either one of us and it was pretty funny because he attracted all the Asians and I attracted all the white guys... Yeah I'm really unapologetic about all of this I know. Since it was Sunday night the club was actually pretty empty, and so when Aussie guy's nose grazed mine and then he locked lips with me, it was actually really hot because people around were obviously staring. I smiled after that and continued just dancing (by myself beside him) to a couple of SHM songs and other good shit the DJ was churning out. We would also scope out the hot guys in the club and point them out to each other, it was super chill really!!! I stayed with him because I really liked him but at 3 am I told him I needed to leave because I had work. When we left the club, there was this woman who was completely unabashedly checking me out. Seriously loads of people have yellow fever it's interesting. I smiled at her and she smiled back at me. I'm not sure why but I'm incredibly flirty and cheeky with anybody that I meet, like even girls. I guess I like making people smile and feel good about themselves, and I really do just like good looking people in general. Like dinner with Dutchie the waitress was really cute, and so I just got whatever she recommended for me, and she was so cute about it. Anyway, so the pretty lady checks me out with a really horny expression actually it was funny, and so while walking past her I smiled and did a "Hey there" to her, and she laughs and replies the same. For some reason she starts walking after us, and I start thinking that maybe she wants a threesome, being drunk and horny for some D at gay night. Aussie guy stops me after a while and says "Hey we got to get this woman off us, let's make out right now" and so we end up kissing outside the club by the shopping mall in public and people were watching again. When we finished the woman was gone, and people were still staring at us. I laughed. That was actually really fucking hot. He tells me he'd take a cab, but he'll walk me to my car, so in the glass elevator down to the parking lot he leans in and kisses me again. And then we kiss again in the parking lot and this was really, incredibly, incredibly fucking hot. He grabs my hair at the back and pulls me in and really just goes at it. He's a great kisser, tongue and all. I had mints too so that was useful haha. I was a lil nervous since this was in public again, but I was so turned on I had a complete woodie. He does too. We each put our hands down the other dude's pants and jerks the other guy off for a while, and he necks me a bit. Then a car drives past us so we stop, and he wants to leave, but I'm already horny as fuck I tell him to come into my car with me. He grumbles and says that car sex is really awkward, but obliges. In my car he's on top of me and we start making out again like crazy fucking rabbits. He tongues my ear and I just go fucking wild! This dude is clearly experienced (He's 30). He kisses me on my neck again, and then proceeds to lick, bite, and play with my nipple for a really long time. He was so good at it. I was closing my eyes totally soaking in the moment. Then he unbuttons my pants and sucks me off, and I start moaning and it was really weird because I now know that I'm a moaner. After a while of him just going at it he stops because we have been going at it for close to half an hour and we were fucking sweaty as hell. He kisses me more again, and we get out the car, he grabs my dick again through my pants, brings me in with his muscular arm and kisses me again. He thanks me for showing him around, and he'd contact me again. I drive home and my mind is just going crazy really, thinking about how incredibly hot my night went. 

So there, I guess this is my first real foray into the gay club scene. I totally lucked out meeting a really chill gay-bro on Jackd; I doubt I'd really meet any one else like that here. He's leaving on Wednesday, although he did say he was thinking of extending his stay. It was an incredibly cheeky cheeky weekend, bahahaha but I thoroughly enjoyed it, especially Sunday night, because it wasn't a meaningless hookup, but neither was it a "have mah babiezxz" thang which is just supes chill. Dutchie asked me about how my nights went (obviously curious), and I told him the raw outline of things without going into the nasty details obviously, and he told me he was disgusted! I think he's jealous though, heh. I make plans to have dinner with him some time this week, and he agrees telling me "Yes, that would be nice :)" 

Right now I feel like death, I don't know how I manage to party hardy three nights in a row and shit, but YOGO I guess! You're only gay once, right? 

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Hmm

So I never thought about it, but I was talking to my mom about how comfortable I am being gay that I don't even mind doing one of those coming out story interview things and post it up online. And she told me, "but what about me?" And I realized that this really doesn't just affect me but it does affect my family too. Not that my mom isn't comfortable with me being gay, but I guess to a certain extent she is mindful of what she has to tell people. Like my grandparents have been lecturing me to get married soon before they kick the bucket, or how her friends would ask her when is she going to have grandkids and stuff. And she was actually kind of tired and wanted to tell my grandparents that "no he doesn't like girls" but I highly doubt that my grandparents can grasp the concept of homosexuality though.

So what I'm saying is, along with the fact that I think my gay friends are getting pissed at me for being so liberal and open about my sexuality, I'm gonna wind it down a notch. Basically, gonna tell less gay shit to my straight guy friends, but to my gal palz (and gay friends, i.e. you guys - I'm guessing you all are gay right??) aw hell yeah haha. The Aussie dude left me an audio message and his Aussie accent is ridiculously sexy, I think I'm pretty sure I'm going to knock back a few beers with him haha. He also abuses all the really girly emoticons on Line and he's this pretty beefy dude lol it's adorable. He can also tell me all his sexcapades when we meet, since he's 29 and way more experienced. I'm pretty excited to see him on Sunday to tell you the truth.

The Dutchman finally came back to me today and told me he's sorry for leading me on, and that he's going back in June to be with his boyfriend. I was pretty bummed honestly. He sent me so many mixed signals. And then after that he tells me that he really really likes me, and maybe even more than as just a friend, but things are just the way it is. Which confused me even more, and I got really mad at him. But I've cooled down, and I'm having dinner with him on Friday...alone. Hmm. I don't know man, these are murky waters I'm treading in, blehh.

I was talking to my college finance classmate that I found on Jack'd too, and we've been talking. His family is pretty conservative (He's Jewish), so he's not out to them at all. However, he apparently has gone to gay bars all the time while interning at NYC, and he told me it was because the atmosphere was really chill there, and everyone was really attractive. This is yet another shallow factor on top of the gay-friendliness that is really pulling me to NYC! I honestly hope I eventually end up there. I let him read my coming out story blogpost and he said he really liked it, and is considering writing one too to come out to his siblings. Score. He also told me he really liked hanging out with the international students during that one time he crashed our shindig, and I told him that he should come hang with me when I go back for graduation and I'd introduce him to the gang. International school kids are seriously the best, they know where it's at!

Anyway, so I know I've been a little boy-crazy. I know I know, I gotta calm the goddamn boner. But yeah, I think my heart is pretty quiet now though. Work is still pretty boring, my buddy at work today told me that maybe I can consider exploring other options after working for a year here...yikes, I think he can sense that I'm not entirely satisfied :S

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Men

Ok. So. Negative shit happened in my life, and I crashed and burned again. But now I'm listening to Teenage Dirtbag and In Too Deep (I love 90's throwbacks) and I feel a lot better. Oddly, the things that made me smile today are all about men, again. Ohnonotagain, I know.

1) Aussie dude:
Okay this guy is seriously insane. I told him no anal, no rimming etc., because I've never done any of that, and he tells me "omg!!! that is so hot! ok i really got go shower... n now i think il have to wank too.... think of soaping u up n cleaning ur body then later ur hot ass squating ova my face." - the flying fuck? Does he know how to spell? Also, he's only here for 4 days in my country, so he's clearly looking to hook up. I told him I'd get a beer with him but I will not promise anything else...he did say he wanted me to call in sick and bring him around blahblah...I don't know this is all pretty sketchy, but he actually sounds like a nice guy, albeit a bit thick in the head. 

2) Dutch dude:
Oh boy. So we were talking on Facebook, and I said something like "aw you're such a nice guy, and I mean that platonically btw haha so don't freak" 

DD: "To be honest you confuse me a bit"
Me: "In what way? All I know is I really want to get to know you better"
DD: "I'm just
 Yeah no it's fine, really"
Me: "Ok can we be honest here?"
DD: "Erm I guess"
Me: "So yes, are you in a stable relationship with your boyfriend now?"
DD: "Now I'm not even hungry anymore
I
Lets not do this now
I'm just confused
Sorry"
Me: "Ok I'm sorry. You should eat! We don't have to talk about this"
DD: "I just need time
As always :(
Sorry"

So...I don't know where this will lead. If something does happen between them, I'd feel pretty bad though. It's pretty cute because he and I use the word stupiak to address each other, making fun of Singlish...lol, we only met once what is going on dude??? Le sigh. 

3) Half Korean/Half Swiss dude: 
I just received this Facebook message from him - 
"Hey _____! 

Sorry I'm writing you so late. I thought I already wrote you back but I guess I didn't :)

And of course I remember you. It was a very fun night. Too bad you had to leave Shanghai so early."
Shwinnggg.

4) High school mate:
On Jack'd: "hey man. how're you doing? i was in (city in midwest) previously as well! was there for about 3 and a half years for college."
Me: "haha hi ____"
HSM: "haha waitttt. do we know each other?"
Me: "we fucked dude! like multiple times."
HSM: "whaaat??"

I was kidding of course. He's some rugby player, but I knew he was gay like a long time ago. He didn't know I was though. And no, no attraction here btw. But I'm talking to him now about my coming out story, and trying to shed light for him, helping gay men one at a time! Go me lol.

Monday, March 18, 2013

Flotsam

1. I've decided to turn off my Jack'd notifications. What a horrible app seriously! It is completely not a dating app - I am sick of all these muscle men sending me their pictures and telling me they want to "fuck me so hard and deep". It's actually really fucking annoying, I'm not a slab of meat! It's also horribly distracting - every time I see a notification, I jump at it and wish that it's some decent guy around my age who just wants to talk and maybe grab a beer together. It's never the case. It disrupts my work a lot, and I finally have real stuff to do at work today, and it kept pinging off and I kept checking it. I'm not deleting it though, just in case there is an infinitesimal chance that someone that I actually like would contact me. 

2. Speaking about work, I felt so bad at work today. I have been constantly texting, and Jack'd-ing the last two weeks, and when I finally had some real shit to do today with a real deadline, I completely fumbled and was unable to deliver anything useful. It was partially because of this that I hurt somebody that I cared about, but I'm afraid that things probably cannot be reconciled anymore. I have to accept the consequences and move on.

3. I brought stuff from work back home to catch up on reading, but I went to the gym after work today, and came back, had dinner, and now it's 10 pm and I'm going to shower and probably just fuck it and go to sleep. I'm a horrible employee. Also, I'm no longer aching from the gym when I get up the next day...I need a new workout routine! Maybe when I have time I will check out the Spartacus workout. Also, maybe I should really get more dedicated to this and sign up for Men's Health and start buying protein shakes since I clearly cannot eat enough to put on bulk and get jacked. 

4. Speaking of Jack'd though, I'm supposed to meet up with a cute Aussie dude for a beer when he visits in about a week's time. He'd probably flake, like all gay people on gay apps, but oh well we'd see how it goes.

5. GODDAMMIT Dutch dude has been mega-subtly flirting with me on Facebook every goddamn day, and ARGH he's so adorable but PAINFULLY monogamous in a long-distance relationship, I am being really mean but I would not feel too bad if something bad happens between them and I get to save the day (although please make it some time soon, he is leaving back for the Netherlands in June!) And this is the girliest that I have ever sounded in my life, I sound like such a whimpering love-struck fool. 

6. I Skyped a friend that I haven't seen for a while last night. He's a footballer and a fraternity brother at MIT, and has been in a stable relationship with his boyfriend for about 8 months now. It was really cute when he was gushing about his boyfriend saying "awww he's so adorable...I love him" and I couldn't help smiling haha. It was really nice to catch up with him because he never told me he was gay, I couldn't tell at all. Apparently he went through a mega-slut phase, and hooked up with any gay person he could find, yikes. Also, he started lecturing me on using a lottt of lube, and on getting myself tested for HIV regularly, and for not panicking when the condom breaks for whatever whatever prophylaxis, and I started getting really frightened because it really does seem like the costs outweighs the benefits. He also told me his family was initially in denial about his homosexuality, but have now grown to merely accept it.

7. Which brings me to the point that I am truly extremely fortunate. I lucked out completely. My friend illuminated to me that I have a 100% "we love you" rate to all those I've came out to, even to my extremely religious Christian friend, who told me not to be silly, and that he is my friend before he is Christian, and friends are there for each other, which honestly made me smile so much. I don't think he agrees with the lifestyle of course (because he probably thinks it's a chosen lifestyle), but hey, I gotta pick my battles here. And it got me thinking today that hey, maybe I should do something for the gay people of my fucked up draconian narrow-minded society. There is a gay pride thing here some time in June, maybe I'd attend that (although I most probably would be back in the states then for graduation - woohoo!), or maybe I'd volunteer at some peer support group or something, and let people know that there are 50 shades of Gay (yes, I know, perpetuating stereotypes here...) and that not everyone is the same, and that it is okay to be gay, and we are all trying to navigate our way in the world to be happy.


8. Hopefully this does not make my blog adult-content. I was looking through my old spring break photos (nostalgia, really) when I chanced upon this photo. Oh boy. My friend would probably flip shit if he ever finds out that I posted his photo, but more than anything he would probably be flattered. He's fully aware he's hot anyway, and is terribly desired by both guys and girls at school. This here is one of my good bro-mates really. I took this during our spring break Eurotrip where we shared a bed together (innocently), and in the morning he scrambled to take a picture of whatever that was outside. I snuck this shot while he was doing that. I shall admit it wasn't the first time I started having naughty thoughts about my friend hurhur. We rode a tandem bike around town earlier in the week (He was recovering from a broken right foot, I was recovering from a broken left foot, so we decided to mutually help a brotha out lol), and there were guys wolf-whistling us and calling us gay and shit. We laughed it off, but secretly inside I kinda wished it was true? Baahhah. I've had pretty goofy memories with this guy though. There was once we were at a party together just drinking and catching up and stuff, when this really drunk girl (who he later tells me he didn't know) stumbles in between both of us (rude bitch) and was all like, "OH MY GOD ARE YOU ____?" and starts talking to both of us. She was incredibly forward, and after like 2 minutes of mindless chatter, she propositions a threesome. My mind started going wild, and I was actually so down for it I didn't even care if this was going to out me or whatever, but unfortunately the girl wasn't very attractive, and so my friend looked at me with disgust and gave me the "let's gtfo" signal. There was another time we went to see a live sex show at the Dam, and I was stoned as fuck really, sitting in the front row watching this woman spread her legs and shit, and she asked for volunteers, and my friend went up on stage. She was so convinced he's gay (it's his floppy Zac Efron hair and pretty boy good looks) she kept talking about it on stage during the performance itself ("Come on you don't have to be shy, I love gay boys like you, they're adorable") and he had to eat a banana off her vaj, it was so gross I laughed and gagged so hard. Other than that most of the other times I've spent with him has just been chilling on the roof of his frat smoking weed and shooting the shit while staring out into the darkness, or going down to the beach with a mat and he would bro-tackle and bro-tickle me, and I would just get so confused by all these "no homo" activities. He would also ask me about fashion advice. He was also in the only frat that I ever considered joining, mostly because most of the dudes inside were really cute haha. I might see him still in the future since he has mad yellow fever and plans to work in Asia. I'm still harboring hope that he might be bi and just waiting for the right guy to come along ;)

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Weekends are what I live for

WAZZZ CRACKALACKIN DUDES???

I'm so happy now I was dancing in my pool today and just generally lovin' life. Work is really boring, but weekends are what I live for. I have A LOT of things to say. I'd break it up into a list (I like making lists):

1. On Tuesday, one of my army buddies wrote in our armybuddies Whatsapp group about some girl, and was like "Well whatever I still like her boobs anyway." And for some reason, I decided to come out to them. I did it subtly, and told them "Haha, I don't like boobs actually." Then Buddy 1 sent me three pictures of hot girl asses and was like, "You an ass man?" and asked me to rate them. I said "Yeah they're pretty hot, but I'm not into butts either..."

Buddy 2:  "??? You like chicks with abs? You weird bro"
Me: "No, I'm not really into girls."
Buddy 3: "What do you mean you're not into girls? You're asexual?"
Buddy 4: "He's an amoeba..."
Buddy 2: "Wait, boobs are too mainstream for him, he's such a hipster, he's a pedobear he likes em small and young"
Buddy 4: "Wait guys, we're all forgetting that he's a frequent target of cougars. He doesn't like boobs, he likes saggy tits"
Me: "Wtf guys, do I really have to spell it out?!?!"
Buddy 1: "Wait...interesting. Are you trying to tell us something?"
Me: "Yes, I'm gay, Jesus Christ guys!"
The rest: "Ooohh."

This was really one of the weirdest coming out stories ever. After that they were super cool about it and they said they still love me, and called for an emergency dinner meet-up the next day for drinks and dollar oysters. I met up with them, we all ordered old-fashioned ("no bitch drinks for us"), and I started telling them my whole story blow by blow...Okay, double entendre right there. They were all super intrigued. One guy told me he thinks I'm bisexual, I just don't know it yet. I was like "lol no I know I am not into vaj. Period." They started naming celebrities and asking me if I thought they were hot, and it was so funny because all of us were thinking about hot guys at the same time, and one guy said "this is kinda gay man" and we all laughed. It was so great because they really didn't make a big deal about it. Most of them told me that I'm the first gay guy they know that actually came out to them, and that they don't really have any gay friends at all so this is kind of exciting for them. One guy was really asking me a lot of serious questions because he said he wants to break into the psyche of a gay man. Haha. I even showed them my Jack'd profile, and some of the guys on it. They saw my picture and told me to change it because the picture I used suck (I told them I wasn't getting replies lol). Funny that a straight guy gave me good gay advice. It was so nice that they were all so nice, and we even made plans to go a gay bar next weekend. Yes, me and 4 straight guys going to a gay bar. It's incredible really that I've found such accepting friends in an otherwise conservative country. Now they've sent me so many pictures of fashionable and attractive guys over Whatsapp, all of our camera rolls are filled with gorgeous men lol.

And yes, I went to the army. National conscription for two years before college started, thus I graduated when I was 24. I'm old, I know :o( It was an interesting time, maybe I'd write about my experiences another day.

2. My dad's friend invited me over to his place for dinner and drinks on Thursday. I went after hitting the gym, and his place is super swanky. It's really what I imagine myself living in when I'm in like my early thirties. He's forty-ish, and his partner is thirty-ish. Yes, my dad wanted me to have a gay mentor. I was really awkward at the start though, because he was showing me around the house and showing me all the art installations he had (he had a skull of a walrus...), and I'm really not an art person at all so it was kinda weird that he was explaining each piece so much to me. He has a very moderate case of The Limp Wrist,  but he was super super nice. Now his boyfriend though, was really quite the stereotypical "fabulous" kind. He said "Shall we have dessert now? Please clear the middle of the table so I can just lay there." I was like, uhyeahok.

My dad's friend was incredibly nice, and opened so much champagne and wine that night, it was definitely more than a thousand bucks in total. He's super rich (most of my dad's friends are...) but was very down to earth too, and was very nice to talk to actually. Some advice was pretty strange though, although I understand why he did that. He tried to convince me that my country can be good for me too, and that I just need to be more open-minded. Hahaha. I don't know about that dude. He also told me that I shouldn't fixate on Caucasians (He asked me if I preferred Caucasians or Asians, I said Caucasian) because Caucasians have a totally different culture from us, and at the end of the day, Asians understand Asians much better. I really beg to differ. The reason why I said I prefer Caucasians wasn't really because I really do, but because culturally and emotionally I cannot connect with Asians as well. My "culture" really isn't Asian. I know I'm pretty messed up for saying that but it's just the truth. I got really drunk in the end, and he asked me to play some music that I like, and we blasted m83's Outro on his sick B&O stereo system. All in all, we had 1 bottle of champagne, 2 bottles of white wine, 1 bottle of red, 1 bottle of sake. He told me he'd introduce me to his gay friends, and maybe some cute younger guys too haha. While at his place also, I received a few booty calls from a couple muscle dudes in the area on Jack'd that wanted to meet up it was kind of amusing. I was incredibly incredibly sleep-deprived and still drunk the next day at work though, gah.

3. My team at work had a team BBQ on Friday, so I offered to drive a few of my colleagues down there. Now they know I drive a BMW to work... One girl saw my car and said "Oh." Lol it was kinda funny. I generally feel uncomfortable letting new people know about my family background though, but they were nice about it so it's fine. My colleague hosting the BBQ is Korean, and dude sickest barbecue ever really. We had rib-eye, churrascaria-style roasted pineapples soaked in rum, and a couple bottles of red. I left early though, for a house party.

So last week I went to a gay club with a few new friends. One of them invited me over for a house party. I use the word house party loosely though, because it was a hotel suite here:


He invited mostly his school's exchange students, so I was like "yeah totally I'd go!" I wanted to make new friends anyway so I was excited to go. I am so happy I went. It reminded me so much of freshman year when I would hit the frat quads, except way classier this time of course and we were drinking fancy shit (I brought a bottle of Ciroc, which is actually my brother's...he's gonna kill me lol thank god he's in Australia). We went up to the infinity pool too, and I took a gratuitous tourist photo yeayuh, finally! Back in the suite I met new friends from everywhere. Germany, Australia, Spain, France, Sweden, Holland, Denmark, etc. I felt really good because this was really the kind of people that I wanted to meet. I also felt really comfortable because no one would judge me for my American accent...I feel pretty awkward some times when I have to switch to speaking in a more localized accent with the locals here. It's so weird really that I sound completely American, I remember most of my friends back in the states thought I grew up there.

Also, I completely ignored all the girls and only spoke to the dudes at the party. Lol. Many of these guys were really attractive too. I know I'm really shallow, but I love making attractive friends...sue me. There was one particular Dutch guy, and we really hit it off well right from the start. I now have absolutely no problem in telling people that I'm gay (only to the right people of course), and so I told him, and I could tell he was, because he was very slightly dramatic with the hand gestures haha. But he has a really nice set of eyes, and I was really attracted to them. Needless to say, I hit on him hardcore. He told me he was really flattered, but he has a boyfriend. I still kept talking to him though, because I knew he was eyeing me haha...like when he was talking to other people, he would look over at me some times and smirk. After a while though, my memory started to become hazy...as usual.

I woke up in my dogs' room with both of them licking my face. I know I had a good night out when I wake up in my dogs' room lol. I Facebook messaged the Dutch guy and apologized for being so aggressive last night, and he replied to me and said that I'm fine, he's cool with it, and if it makes me feel any better, if he didn't have a boyfriend he would totally date me. I smiled so much after that. This guy is really cute too! We said we'd hang out more in the future. It's so great to have cool gay friends now, especially since all my other gay friends from before have somehow become pretty mean and aloof to me... There was another gay guy too at the party from Poland, and he's the faaabulous kind who shimmied a lot and shit haha, but it's ok because he's really nice, and also um, really fit and cute (he has a boyfriend too though).

4. Today I had a mad chill day. It's Saturday night but I'm staying in. Way too much booze for one weekend. I kind of abuse my body some times because I'm being dumb and think that I'm invincible.


This is a picture of my pool. I tanned by my pool today, went to the gym and worked out for a bit (it was a bad workout I wasn't really into it), went into the sauna and chilled, slapped on loads of body lotion and hair serum and sat in the locker room feeling so incredibly supple lol, I know, pretty gay haha. I got home, had a good dinner with my mom, told her about the Dutch guy (I confide in her everything now, partly because I love her so much and we're so close I can tell her anything, and partly also to let her know how I'm doing, to allay her fears that my depression isn't coming back again.) and all. Now I'm back in my room listening to some Young the Giant.

5. Jack'd. Hmm. So okay, in the past I really didn't get many messages at all, and virtually no replies from the cute guys I messaged. And I was feeling really shitty. After my army bud told me to change my picture, I decided to upload a faceless shirtless pic just for the interim period until I could find a better pic. I took down all my face pics, and went to bed. I kept it for a total of 12 hours, and ended up receiving 34 messages. Holy shit. Everyone was clearly looking for a quick hookup though, which is understandable because that's the message I was sending to everyone with that picture. So I decided to take it down, and uploaded a face picture instead, and wrote a really decent bio, so that I hopefully would be able to find cool new friends who would identify with what I wrote.

Now I've not shown my face before this, but because I honestly have no problem telling people that I'm gay anymore, and I no longer feel like it's a bad thing (in fact I highly suspect I'd love it a lot), and also because very few people read this anyway so it doesn't really matter if I show my face. I hope nobody expects me to look like a model or something, I know some of the stuff I write here comes across as really arrogant (especially since I say I like having attractive friends).

Anywayyy, so here's my profile. I'm bad with this whole dating game shit, so I really didn't know what picture to upload so I just took one with my iPhone and uploaded it lol.

I wrote down some of the music I listen to, and the TV shows that I watch. I've been getting a lot more messages and replies than I did with my old pic, but definitely less than with my shirtless one. It's weird still though, that with such a profile, people are still incredibly thick and message me "hi want to fuck?" What the...I made it so clear that I'm here to make friends, or go on dates with people and shit. I thought this was a dating app, and not like Grindr. How strange. I also receive a lot of messages from the Malay and Indian population here, because according to them I don't "look Chinese," which is also pretty strange to me because I think I look very Chinese. I showed my picture to a girl friend back at college, and she laughed and said "I love it you look so seductive." I don't think I do! Or at least it wasn't my intention to, maybe that's why people are still sending me booty call messages. Some of them are incredibly hot though, like super muscular and shit.

Anyway, I've pretty much given up that I can find anyone from this app, it's still kinda fun just to see what's around. I did the world search thing, and homed in on my college. Holy shit. I found one of the guys from my finance class. I remember the first time I met him. He came with my Israeli friend (he did the Israeli army and took a gap year, so he was 23 as a freshman lol) to a small gathering the international students were doing. I recognized him from my finance class, he did too, so he came over to talk to me. He was eyeing me quite a bit, and I immediately sensed gay vibes from him. Because I was still terribly in the closet back then, I played it cool and was kinda cold and aloof to him that night, just so he wouldn't suspect anything about me. He's actually a pretty cool guy, and is incredibly smart and is working at Blackstone so he's killing it. I messaged him, and told him that we should chat and catch up, but he hasn't replied me...I hope I didn't scare him off or anything. I think he's in the closet too, since his Facebook actually says Interested in Women...I hope he doesn't think I'm going to out him or anything. Or maybe he just doesn't remember me anymore, and thinks I'm being creepy.

6. I have a really good friend from college that is incredible really. He's super friendly (he has 2700 friends on Facebook and I'm pretty sure most of them are real friends), super chill, funny, and awesome really. I went to his place for Thanksgiving and his parents were such incredible hosts. I came out to him over Facebook by showing him my other blog (I created another blog with just one entry to come out to my friends back in the states), and his reply really touched me.

"Heyoo! I didn't read the blog link till just now! Dude--I had no idea, about any of this. Thanks for sharing it with me, it really means a lot. I'm so glad that things are hopefully on the upswing, and that you're realizing how incredible of a human you are. You've always been one of the most wonderful people in my life (I know all of our friends would agree with, as well as my parents--they still ask about you ALL the time), one of my closest friends--and I'm sorry about not being great at keeping in touch, definitely something that I REALLY struggle with, and your friendship has meant the world to me. And that's not just me talking aimlessly, it truly has meant so much to me. You've always been someone that lifts peoples spirits, can make anything fun, and make people comfortable in the skin they're in. I gotta get ready for a final (this shit is the worst), but I'll talk to you soon!!"


I love him man. This has been so, so, SO much easier than I thought. Never would have I imagined this really. 


Alright man. That's it! Gonna watch a couple episodes of Modern Family, and maybe sleep early tonight. Also, I think I'm gonna stop taking my antidepressants, I really don't need them anymore. Life is super awesome, and I'm so happy that things are finally going well now. Take it easy y'all.

Friday, March 15, 2013

I'm on my phone now and at work but I just wanted to say that I have a lot of shit to update er...whoever reads this I guess, and most of the stuff are positive! Actually all of them are, some are pretty cheeky but positive still haha. I'd probably only be able to blog on Saturday or something, when I finally stop drinking and can take a breather

Monday, March 11, 2013

Beautiful people

This is quite a rant-y post.

So I decided to reinstate my Jack'd account and have been scoping out The Dudes and shit. There was one dude who was 0.03 km away from me when I was at my office desk, and I messaged him and said "wow lol it's like we're literally beside each other" AS A JOKE (I mean c'mon it's funny) expecting him to reply a "lollll, which floor do u work on???" but he didn't reply me at all, even after I tried to be funny again and said "aww ouch i got snubbed :o(" so fuck this shit, I'm clearly shit at this flirting business I'm just going to stop this tomfoolery completely.

I was lamenting to my friend that the two cute dudes I messaged have been really cold, and all the others who messaged me have been particularly unattractive. My friend asked me what I wanted out of Jack'd, and I said really just a couple of chill gay bros to hang out with, completely platonically. And then he asked me why am I then only picking out the attractive folk, and I said oh because I like having attractive friends. And he told me that I was really fucked up for saying that, on the same level as the other guys on Jack'd who only put up shirtless pictures of themselves to fuck around. What the hell? How is me wanting to have attractive friends the same level as that of promiscuous headless raw-dogging assholes?

I don't get it though. Who doesn't want to have attractive friends? I feel like it's really hypocritical of people to say that they don't judge people by appearances AT ALL. It's not like I look at someone "unattractive" and act like a mean dick to them. I just mean that if given the choice of a pool of people on a mobile dating app, I would just lean towards befriending the attractive guys.

So ok this guy that I am not attracted to messaged me and said "Hey I want to get to know you" and so being nice, I replied "Hey what's up?" and he replied "Do you want a LTR?" I'm like, dafuq? I feel like attractive people tend to know social graces better, probably because they've always been treated better I don't know. Then again who am I kidding, apparently my jokes are really shitty and people probably think I'm a bigass creep (I STILL think that I was pretty funny there)

I'm not gonna lie, I gravitate towards attractive people. Many of my friends in college are definitely lookers, but it's not like I stayed friends with them only because they're hot, but it's really because they're funny/fun to be with/chill/etc. Also, the reality of the situation is, attractive people hang out with attractive people. It's the initial attraction that got all my friends together in the first place.

Also, my gay friends really need to get the fuck off my dick some times...unlike them I'm totally new to this whole thing so OBVIOUSLY I'm still trying to find my way around things. They've been out since they were 16 or 18 or whatever. For Christ's sake this is just like all those goddamn online games, where the new noob gets constantly flamed by the pros. Everyone's telling me to calm my tits, did they really not go through a similar phase when they first came out? I finally can gush about the people I like, obviously I'm going to seem a little excessive about it. Unlike what they're thinking though, I'm not shagging anything that moves - in fact it's been the goddamn opposite.

Btw, I am not implying that I'm hot or anything. In fact, it's becoming clear from getting hit on a grand total of zero times at the gay club + getting snubbed by the two cute guys that I messaged that I'm anything but. It's becoming clear also that while I am shallow in some ways, the larger gay community seems to be even more shallow than that, and that if you don't have a hot body, 80% of the time no one would give a shit about you. In fact it feels like face matters less.


I'm the scrawny dude in the video, but it's okay bro-self, Christina Aguilera tells me that I'm beautiful. Words can't bring me down yo


lmao

Saturday, March 9, 2013

My big fat gay weekend

As you probably already know, I've been a horndog lately. So I decided to hit the boys' town district Friday night after having dinner with three of my female friends from high school. It was good catching up with them, sharing with them my whole coming out experience, showing them hot dudes on Jack'd (they all told me they wanna download it now), etc. I'm not sure why I thought it was a good idea to go to a gay club with three girls that aren't even fag hags, but they were really excited to see me hook up with a guy. Well, that didn't happen at all, because literally everyone was below average (Sorry if this is super shallow I'm just telling it as it is), and I actually got super wasted I started doing stupid shit that I always do haha. Apparently my friend found me talking to this European guy and this Filipino guy at the eating place we were after and I was unbuttoning my shirt for them because they told me to take my shirt off! I also started slapping my friends, but thankfully they're still friends with me! Ohhh boy.

It was also weird because I met this guy who was really friendly back in high school (he went to a different one though) and kind of...flirted with me quite a bit too in the past, but after seeing him yesterday at a gay bar (I ended up going to three gay bars and a gay club) and after clearing up that I'm gay now (He asked me: "It's kinda weird to see straight people here..." Me: "Dude I'm not straight." Him: "Ohhhh."), he wasn't that friendly to me anymore! Maybe it was because I was trying to hit on his friend (who turned me down womp) or something, I don't know but I've lately been getting vibes from gay friends that I've told that they're not being as nice to me now that they know that I'm gay...It sucks a lil bit cos I really do feel alienated from the gay community. But actually the community here isn't that worth the effort anyway lmao.

I went out to a rooftop bar today alone, and did my best to mingle and socialize with people that were there (My friend organized like a mingling sesh or something). More than half the people were exchange students so that was kinda cool. Also some girl asked me for my number...whatever I gave it to her she invited me to a networking sesh wtf. I was talking to this Polish dude who was kinda flamboyant so I knew he was gay so I started chatting him up. A couple other guys joined us after, and one of the guys said they were going to a gay club later. I asked him if I could join, and so off we went! Hence my big fat gay weekend, gay clubs two nights in a row?!

It was REALLY awkward when I got in because this time I was so much more sober than yesterday, and I met three separate people that came up to me and called my name out and I was like, who the fuck are you?!? Apparently I was pretty friendly last night and met a couple people but I completely had no memory...they were pretty insulted I felt bad. They also got pretty handsy with me which was weird because I didn't know them...but whatever one of the guys gave me a free beer.

It was also pretty funny because one of the guys in my group asked me if I scouted any cute girls and he could help me wing her, and I told him that I'm not actually interested in girls, and he was really apologetic after that. And then I thought that this cute Turkish dude in the group was gay, so I asked him if he had a boyfriend, but then he told me "I'm straight so I don't have a boyfriend" and I said "Shit my bad" and seriously this whole guessing game shit is way crazy lol, but at least now I just straight up ask people to know once and for all if I'm barking up the wrong tree and shit.

Once again, the crowd was really miserable and I'm probably not going to a gay club in my country for a while now (or maybe ever). The girls that I went with on Friday night were really nice and told me that I should just move to Europe or Australia because I'm probably not going to find anyone here. We have a Whatsapp group now and I have been flooding them with pictures of hot dudes from my college lol and they're like "keep it comin'!!!" In the group that I was with just now, the girls and the straight guys were really friendly to me, but the effeminate gay guys were completely bitchy and did not talk to me at all...like seriously yo drop your attitudes. I just took a cab back with the only nice gay dude in the group just now (seriously wtf why did he bring so many straight guys with him lol) and he told me he came out when he was 18, and man, I feel really far behind everyone but it's fine. Everyone starts from somewhere. It kinda sucks that I didn't get to slam any man-pussay this weekend bahaha (the girls I was with were so offended yet amused when I said that), but whatever at least I know now that this isn't my scene. At least I put myself out there and I've gotten the whole curiosity thing out of my system now so that's good.

Peace and night y'all

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Hormones everywhere

Man. I don't know what's wrong with me, but after coming out, I seriously am going through like a second puberty, and I'm horny like, all the time. I couldn't concentrate at work today because I kept thinking about doing it. Fml. The funny thing is I don't think I can be considered a sex addict since I've never had sex. But I seriously can't keep my mind off it. I'm just so curious!

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Toast to the douchebags

I haven't done anything at work yet. It's strange, sitting there and trying not to be awkward about having nothing to do sitting beside the vice president of the team. I feel a little underutilized, but hopefully it'll change soon. My team is really small, they're a nice bunch, I haven't really warmed up to them yet though. It's also a lil awkward since I came in three months earlier than the other fresh grads, so essentially I'm pretty much the youngest kid around. I scoped out my floor, unfortunately there doesn't seem to be any eye candy too. Oh well. Distraction-free I guess? 


I made a YouTube channel for shits and giggles. It was easier to upload there than on blogger.

There is however, free Milo in my pantry, and I live for that shit. I have been drinking a glass of Milo almost every single meal for close to 3 months now. I'm strangely addicted to it.

I'm also not used to the fact that in my country there's a dress down code for work, and very few people wear suits and ties. I used to feel really swagged out (and douchey) when I wore a suit and tie wherever I went as a summer analyst at a bank. Now I feel kinda wussy. I know I know, I'm no longer working at a bank, I should adjust my expectations.

Also, completely randomly, but Japanese people measure land area by tsubo, which is the area of two standard sized tatami mats. How fucking cool (and backwards) is that???

Sunday, March 3, 2013

buhtseks


Why hello there. Haha, I'm just being cheeky here.


I recently watched this video, and it provided pretty good food for thought. I'm just going to be mighty honest in this entry. Maybe he is right and the reason why I'm so averse to anal intercourse is because of deep-seated insecurities. However, I have seen pictures of both vaginas and anuses (I did this a lot when I was still questioning if I was straight or gay) and I find myself terribly un-attracted to both of them. I just do not find either aesthetically appealing at all! Why do people like either?? I have also tried feeling myself up in the shower before, but it doesn't feel good and really does hurt quite a bit. I know people say after a couple times you loosen up and you will never look back, but what if I start bleeding and have irreparable damage or something? I also cannot imagine myself ever giving a man a rim job, I don't know how I'd feel having an anus so close to my face. And even if I do pluck up my courage and insert my penis into an anus, I think it would be traumatizing if I remove the condom and I see poop or whatever on it. Lastly, I know very little about AIDS, but from what I know, anal intercourse is one of the top ways of transmission. I know that as long as one stays monogamous, and has his partner and himself checked regularly, this isn't a problem at all, but it's just one of the things that makes me really cautious about this whole thing.  With all that being said though, I guess it wouldn't hurt (or actually, it would probably hurt a fuckton) to try bottoming at least once. And if I do enjoy it, hopefully I'd be able to be confident enough to admit it to myself that I did, and do it more often.

I've also checked out the r/gaybros section, and it has received considerable flak from some of the LGBT community for idolizing masculinity, demonizing "feminity" (holy shit this is not a word...what!?!? what is the equivalent?), and generally promoting fissures. Maybe it's because people think that guys who use the word "bro" a lot (I used to get really annoyed at some of my frat bro friends who would add bro to anything, i.e. what's up brosef brolin, what you broing up to, I'm bro-chilling at my bro-pad with my bro-grill eating my broger) are trying to "act" straight, when they should be using "girl" and "hun" or "betch" a lot more?


Also, I've started thinking that if some gay guys can be non-effeminate and non-limp-wristed, then maybe some straight guys can actually be effeminate and limp-wristed.

I digress a lot. Anyway, r/gaybros actually seems pretty legit though. If I were in any of those cities that have regular meet-ups, I would definitely go and find myself a gay bro. I would have reservations though if many of these people are actual bears lol...that would be really weird.

Also, it just hit me that I'm a shining example of a metrosexual.

 

For example, these are some of the pants that I own. I don't like overtly straight things, and I don't like overtly gay things. I just like metro things, i.e. taking care of myself. Which is pretty narcissistic I guess, but who gives a flying fuck.