Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Just a second we're not broken just bent

Dude, it's awesome that tomorrow is a holiday, I love unexpected holidays.
So ok, I've been pretty sickish, like I have a sore throat, and I'm coughing a lot, and my nose is real stuffy. It probably doesn't help also that I've been driving home every day blasting EDM with my windows down and singing at the top of my lungs with the wind coming in, haha, but it's pretty cathartic! I've been drinking loads of green tea every day, I haven't had the time to see a doc, but I've also been using a Neti pot, but my nose is seriously so congested the water isn't even really going through! Whutttt.
On Sunday my English friend and I made plans to go prawning. Prawning is a peculiarly popular local pastime, where, like fishing, you fish for prawns instead. We were such complete noobs when we got there, having no clue at all how to use the hook, the bait (chicken liver bits), the technique to flick the rod up to get the prawn hooked, how to unhook the prawn while holding it down and breaking its claws off, how to skewer them and add salt and barbecue them ourselves. It was hilarious. Everyone else was looking at us amused. When my mate S caught his first prawn, he flicked it up and it went really close to my shorts and I started jumping up and down like a lil girl because dude...those claws could've castrated me. Okay, probably not, but they would probably still hurt. We were really like little girls because we took a really long time holding the prawn down and unhooking the hook...haha.
Well, in an hour, he caught only one, and I caught 4. Wow, that is incredibly pathetic. The lady behind the counter took massive pity on us, and gave us 12 free ones, so we had 8 each in the end to barbecue. Setting up the pit and fanning the coals, along with skewering the prawns live (the first one I had to do I struggled so hard because I felt so bad...the legs were going crazy and writhing everywhere blehh). But dude. they tasted so good, we also had a couple beers and other local food and we just talked a lot. In fact, we really just talked all the way till like 1 am when I gave him a ride back to his dorm, sharing our stories about London (he goes to school there - also he knows my sister, I think I've mentioned this guy before, he's 6' 2" and a real looker haha), about Asian versus Western culture, about his views about gay people and gay clubbing (he went once, to G.A.Y. in London. No kidding, that's the name of the club. I've been there once too haha), about his long-distance relationship with his girlfriend, about how there is a segment of local girls here that crave white men, and once there was this girl who straddled him at the hotel party we both were at, and she insinuated that he was gay because he rejected her, about how there was once in Vietnam this 17-year old girl was giving him a massage and wanted to give him a happy ending and he turned her down because he felt it was really seedy since she was probably forced into this business, and the girl panicked and went out to talk to her boss who came over to talk to him about why he didn't want a happy ending LOL.
Basically, it was such a good night. And I went back home being so convinced, once again, that in general I really do prefer hanging out with straight guys. Many of them are so chill, laidback, uncomplicated, and generally just don't give too much of a shit about anything. And I started thinking about my recent experiences with my gay friends, and everything is just incredibly, incredibly dramatic for some peculiar reason. Gay people love drama. Every small little thing snowballs into some gigantic issue. It's incredible. Suffice to say, I hate drama. I find it so unnecessary. People should just say whatever is on their minds. A caveat however, is that you don't have to agree with everything everyone else says. I firmly believe that people should just be honest, in a polite and diplomatic way of course, just so that we don't have to siphon through the bullshit to know whether these folks can get along well or not.
Aussie guy was incredibly uncomplicated. In fact, he came across as a little bit simple-minded. But that's totally cool. He carried no agenda, no hardcore judgment, and was incredibly easygoing. And I find that I alter my personality to the person that I interact with. It's very interesting, but it's really built within me. When I get really good vibes from a person I'm talking to, I'm incredibly nice and helpful and considerate, because I think they deserve it. And I really become a fiercely loyal friend. Like my local gay friend R, he isn't typically the kind of person I would be attracted to because he is slightly femme and pretty chubby and short, but it doesn't matter at all, I fiercely defended him when English dude above told me he thought R is kinda square. I told him that R is an incredible person, who is incredibly patient, incredibly compassionate, and all round a great friend to have, other than the fact that it's a bit disturbing that he constantly tells me how he wants to get raped by a really really hunky pornstar. However, there are many times when I get really bad vibes from a person, and I just become a complete fucking asshole. The more the person I am speaking with is critical, the more critical I react towards the person. The more arrogant the person, the even more conceited I act towards him. The more of a dick the dude is, I become the biggest gigantic mofo towards him.
It's easy really. It's because I just don't think these people are worth my goddamn time. It's like I saw this dude on my Facebook who once posted a guido pic of him in a Vegas club wearing an oversized suit posing and hashtagging YOLO, and I commented on it saying that he looks like a clown with such an ill-fitting suit, and that he should visit a tailor. Or another time when this guy posted a status saying "Just spent $100 on a Friday night at a club...#nbd #brokenow" And I commented "that isn't even enough to buy a bottle of Veuve, try harder." Like honestly, I cannot fucking stand assholes, especially those that don't know what they're doing. And I just give them a piece of my mind, and become a bigger asshole back towards them. Some times I even make up shit to get them to back off even more. And yes, these are straight guys who just really have no clue, lmao. But to the sincerest of folks around that I meet, I am very humble, and I always try extremely hard to put myself in their shoes. I mean honestly, that's the whole thing about being gay really, you become so fearful of people 'knowing' about you, you spend a lot of time observing a lot of people, and you become really attuned to picking up nuances very quickly.
If I'm being a dick to someone, chances are that it's because I don't like that someone in the first place, and I become extremely antagonistic around that person. Honestly, I can't think of anyone in my life so far where I was a dick to them and then we still became friends after that. I tried once for sure, during the first few weeks of my coming out where I went to my first ever gay club in my country with my Jersey shore type of gay friend with his even more beefcake boyfriend. I hate my Jersey Shore friend, honestly. He is obsessed with his body, obsessed with becoming the biggest fucking tank in the world, and is a crazy attention whore. He also once won a sexiest blogger contest (dafuq?). We were not friends for a very long time because I flat out told him that I didn't like his personality at all, and he was so indignant someone didn't like him he kept trying to be friendly with me. I gave him a chance, but I still didn't like him, so I ended up still being a major dick to him and now we just don't talk at all. Seriously though, no loss on my end.
I was also at the gym yesterday and I looked around and realized that probably more than half the guys there are Muscle Marys, and everyone is just intensely checking out everyone else with leering looks. And it just made me really sad. That's not to say I wasn't intensely checking out people though, there was a really hot Indian guy and a really hot white guy too, both of whom I saw later on in the locker room, and they had amazing chests and abs. But the funny thing is I've realized that I've also somehow managed to remove the lustful part when I check guys out. Like when I check a dude out, I honestly just think "wow this guy is goodlooking," "wow, what a great body!" but that's it. It doesn't progress to "damn I want to bone that guy/suck him off." I've also really just been appreciating a lot of really good faces and bodies on Instagram, but once again in a non-horny way, and in a more like "I want to get in shape like that" way. And the gay friends I've talked to cannot understand why I have this non-sexual appreciation of the male face and body; it's like all they think about is dick and ass.
I don't know man. I honestly love being gay because I think men are incredibly incredibly attractive beings, but all these gay talk is depressing me. I'm going to try very hard now to be celibate, I've become a lot less desirous for a hook-up in fact; I'm now a lot more contented with just some lotion and my hand bahaha...I've realized that the initial heady proclivity I had for feeling desired and sought after by the gay scene here has almost completely died off, and I'm not allowing it to go to my head anymore. And also, I've noticed that I seriously have lost quite a bit of definition, and that my abs are disappearing now because of all the alcohol that I'm drinking. I'm going to start eating healthy, and SERIOUSLY gonna make this happen (YO DUDE SERIOUSLY keep to this okay) that I'm going to NOT BLACK OUT ANYMORE, dead serious resolution, for AT LEAST until I get back to Chicago hahaha, cos dude it's senior week and I'm allowed to become a terrible shitshow. I really need to have less reliance on alcohol and recognize that I am fully capable of socializing and making new friends while sober, and that I really, REALLY need to remember things when I go out...I'm also contemplating maybe doing abs exercises, I have never paid attention to my abs at all in my life because they've always been kinda there but now that they're disappearing I feel kinda weird and fat. Haha. Basically, I want to eat right (I want to eat less carbs they make me feel bloated), exercise, drink less, hang out less at gay bars (except I might possibly be going along with a friend who a lot of people have been suspecting might be gay, and I'm just going to talk to him more about me being openly gay to friends and etc and just yknow, be there, cos I know that's what I needed when I was still in the closet, to know an openly gay more dudely-dude friend.), hang out less with negative people, check Jackd a lot less (limit it to maybe once per week) and in general just feel good about myself. I firmly believe that if I look good for myself, I will feel good too, and isn't that what life is about really, to feel good?
So c'mon kid, you can do it. Keep to this for the next few months at least, until you're gonna just get stoned and shitfaced every day for senior week with some of your best buddies in life. If I keep to this resolution, I feel like I would've earned that week of hedonism. And life would be great. Wish me luck :o)

Monday, April 29, 2013

Wazzz cooken' fellas???

Not much of an update, it's 1.30 am and I gotta crash for work tomorrow, speaking of which, it still sucks major DONKEY cock my boss is being unreasonable but I have to try my best to keep my cool and let it all slide...

Just wanted to post up a couple of songs, I've been in a pretty introspective mood recently, and I think I'm going to change my ways for a bit. i.e. stop getting drunk and blacking out when making out with geriatric folk. I'll post more tomorrow, also Wednesday is a holiday, I'm gonna go out to the swankiest club in town tomorrow and...wait, didn't I just say I'll stop getting drunk?? Hahaha. Well this is a straight club so yeah whatevs I'm not gonna make out with a chick (I don't think so...) But yeah, I basically just want to check the place out, you can read more about it here, it's an incredibly pretentious and douchey club, but figure I should still just see how it's like (never been)


The last one is my favorite song on the planet.

Sunday, April 28, 2013


There are many of those annoying confessions pages that are popping up on Facebook, like a less artistic, more self-absorbed, less cathartic version of PostSecret.

I wrote one a while back, you can check it out below:


This was over a month ago when I have not yet met Dutchie, or R, my local gay friend here who's actually a really dependable good buddy of mine now. I'm really happy I met them, as much as Dutchie has been giving me a rollercoaster ride of emotions, he is, at the very heart of it all, a nice and sensible guy. I can't say the same about my other gay friends. Like the one I mentioned in my previous post from middle school, he told me he has had sex with more than 100 men so far. I don't know, maybe that's a healthy sex life, or that's just sad.



Friday Fashion, Saturday Songs

What the fuck is "be this hard" ??? That quote above is making me think of penis lmao.

I've been listening to this song all the time now and the lyrics apply so well to me :(

Also, post title is me being a pussy lil alliterative wannabe


Friday night I went to the gym for 1 out of 3 PT seshs I got swindled into signing up for. The dude was some overly-big guy who made me do a body fat test, and then a physical aptitude test. What the fuck! I have 17% body fat. Dude that feels like it's a lot...It's apparently in a good range though, but he told me ideally I'd want to aim to go below 15%. He also asked me what was my motivation to go to the gym for, and I said I want to bulk up, and he pointed to some other guy and said "that size?" and the dude was like a fucking tank, so I said no, he asked, "like Men's Health cover model?" I said no, even less defined, and he was so confused he was like, "Um, then you're already good." Wtf? Lol. I said no, I just want to fill up my shirt and look good in them, yknow. Idk, I feel like these fitness buffs don't get that not everyone thinks that being a Machamp is attractive.

The first item on the physical test was a 10 minute run. I fucking died dude. I hate cardio, so I like, never ever run really?? Although back in my army heydays I could run 1.5 miles in 9 minutes flat. This time I ran a little over 2 km in 10 minutes (that's about 1.25 miles), and I was panting like a dog, and my legs were like jelly and I was really light-headed lol. He then made me do push-ups, but I had a pretty intense chest workout on Wednesday, and I was really dying from the run, so I ended up only doing 14 pushups. LMFAO. I felt like such a pussy-ass bitch dude!!! It was so embarrassing!!! ARGGHH. He was like lolwhut you did 14, you failed this item. Like I didn't even make it to being able to get a score...LOLOL.

Anyway, this whole thing is such a swindle...He pressured me to sign up for like 6 months of PT, and I said no, and he said okay, the next two seshs are just gonna be an orientation to the gym. Dude that ain't cool yo. Whatevs. Not gonna lose my cool. Ain't nobody got time fo dat.

Drove over to Chinatown to have dinner with my exchange student buddies, then drove em all to...karaoke! When we got in, all of them were wide-eyed "omfg?" because there were all these old Chinese people sitting around eating peanuts and drinking beer, and this woman was singing some really old Chinese song hahaha. And I started singing along, because I actually know a shit ton of Chinese songs for karaoke, like most of the time when I karaoke I sing exclusively Chinese songs because Chinese songs are awesome?? But yeah, we went over to our private karaoke room so all the kids calmed down a lil. Ordered a coupla pitchers of beer, and we started singing...Tswift, 1D, Eminem?? Gorillaz?? Nicki Minaj?? Lmao. I acted really coy at the start and was like, no you sing first, go ahead, I'll sing later. But when they gave me the mic, I just fucking did my shit hahaHAhaha. Sang Payphone and killed that shit yo. They were like, "yo you gotta leave the room, you're too professional for us!!" Hahahaha. This is kinda mean but I don't get why people who can't sing well like to karaoke??? It's like really weird, because everyone was really off-key and I wasn't drunk enough to really ignore it all hahaha.

Had hookah after that, and came home after. Btw, Dutchie was there too, but I seriously didn't really look at him that much, or flirt with him or anything, it was very civil, and kinda cool, I was like, man, think I'm really over him!

Saturday I met up with a friend who used to be part of my middle school clique. It's really extremely strange, but turns out about 80% of us in the group are gay. Wow. Back then I was friends with them honestly because I didn't fit in with the others in my class, but after a while I slowly found out I couldn't really get along with them too, because they're way too histrionic. Like they love to call each other slut, and bitch (not in the fratty way but like in a sister-way...) I kind of guessed that everyone's gay though, because everyone was pretty obviously femme, and they idolized Madonna, Britney, the tennis Williams sisters, etc...it still puzzles me why gay people love strong female icons, because I really think I share very little in common with women other than the fact I like to suck cock I guess.

Anyway, so we met up at the only gay bar I ever go to, and he's pretty muscly now... Like a twunk, a twink-hunk. Haha. It's weird cos he used to be so skinny and femme. Now he's a lot less flamboyant. I wanna be a twunk too actually. Haha.

We marveled over the fact that everybody turned out gay haha, and he told me I used to be such a dick because I made fun of them a lot...I feel really bad. I wasn't really like a gay-bashing homophobic gay bully though, I just teased them a lot for listening to Mariah Carey and worshipping the ground she walks on. And I also fake-came out to him a couple times, and got him really confused and annoyed. I told him that I absolutely cannot stand the gay stereotypes, of femme twinks or muscle marys, and I think he got kinda annoyed by that. Anyway, I ended up drinking way too much again. Okay kenn-do (btw, some people really do call me kenn-do in real life, the do is not like 'do it' but more like, dough. Why am I even explaining this??) seriously get a fucking grip on your alcohol intake!!! I had a full pitcher of gin and tonic, a glass of rum & coke light (no calories for this mofo right here), and a glass of long island iced tea and I blacked the fuck out. He recounted the night to me (he doesn't drink), and said I made out with 3 35-40 year old Indian guys, what the flying fuck!!!! And that he pointed out cute guys to me, and I would go up and chat em up, but after a while it got pretty obvious to them that I was really drunk and so they'd bounce. Apparently I also got along really well with this tall cute post-grad dude but I grabbed his dick and he left. What?? Lol. Man I'm so out of control some times argh!!!! :o(

And I ended up drunk-calling Dutchie again. What?!?!?!! I thought I was over him. He said I didn't really talk, that most of the call was just silence. I think I just wanted to feel like he was with me...I really don't get why he has such a hold on me dude. This is getting really effed up and annoying.

Anyway, about femme guys, it's really all about the voice and the hand actions to me. It's not even about the way people dress (obviously I draw the line if a dude wears a dress though), like seriously, I think floral is awesome, and I think all those fancy prints, as long as the person wearing em can pull them off (and feels confident enough too), are awesome too. I think fashion is fucking awesome and I love it. I'm really into prints now (heavily influenced by Dutchie), especially those subtle ones like, the lining of pockets or sleeves, or collars. Here are some examples of clothes that I really want to buy haha:

It would be perf of course, if the models also came with the clothes hahaha! Most of these are taken from the ASOS website. They have dope-ass clothes, and feature insanely attractive models too, so I used to spend a lot of time surfing their site as a mask to be doing "online shopping" when most of the time I was just checking the dudes out.

I'm also really into cuffing my pants and my sleeves. I gotta find shirts that have like different prints in the inside so when you fold em up, it's a different print. I think that's so cool!!! Anything with contrast is awesome in my opinion.

I woke up in my dogs' room again...Lol. Came back up to my room, crashed, woke up thirsty, and feeling kinda blue that I don't have anyone to wake up to every morning. My bed is huge and it's empty. Heh. But yeah I really should stop searching, and just let things...happen.

Man I can't wait to go back to Chicago and just chill and smoke a shit ton of weed with my friends.

[Edit: wait stop...I just found the ASOS models on Instagram. Dude. Made my day HAHAHA!!!]

Friday, April 26, 2013


[edit: On second thought, idgaf, so I'll just post this.]

Work sucked again, but by the end of the day it got better. My buddy at work is awesome, I love him so much, he is so patient with me, and really coaches me, unlike my lady boss...

I asked a friend about my Jackd picture, and he told me that it's not representative of me lol, that it's way too bridge and tunnel Brooklyn kid, when I'm a Manhattan guy yeayuh!!! (Figure of speech of course, obvi I rep the +65 instead) Guess it's kinda true though, it's a pretty ghetto picture, which is why I'm now faceless on blogger again womp. He told me I should wear my usual clothes, and get rid of the backwards K-Fed trucker cap, haha. Although honestly, I wear my caps backwards all the time, I just like how it looks, and how it doesn't fly off when the wind's really strong, especially in Chicago.

I also know that I have been sounding a lot dumber and narcissistic on my blog. My troglodyte text-speak as of late has been heavily influenced by my constant conversing with Aussie, who types shit like "wen u gunna cum 2.australia???" and for some reason I find it adorable, and have oddly imitated it. Along with the usage of "nite nite" to say good-night to people. Also not gonna lie, I have let quite a bit of the attention that I'm receiving from men get to my head. I'll be more mindful in the future to not come across that way, but I'm not gonna back down though. I'm very opinionated, and most of the time, when I'm not crumbling and shitting bricks, I'm very self-assured.

I met up with my middle school teacher for dinner, who came out and had to leave his job. He's now a comic book writer. I wrote a post a while back on here where I mentioned I wrote a rather lengthy status on Facebook, and he contacted me, and he hinted that he may or may not know what I'm going through. I told him it has nothing to do with me being gay, and he told me that someone in my grade told him that I'm gay, like a few years ago. Wow.

Anyway, so I met up with him, and it was an extremely strange dinner. We clearly do not see eye-to-eye on many issues. He is such a gay rights activist, and I'm more like, I want to be just like everyone else, but not hide the fact that I'm gay. And he tells me that I'm conforming to "heteronormativity" of society, when there have been no standards set up for gay men and we need to make one for ourselves and not borrow them from straight people. I told him that I disagree, because other than my proclivity for the wang, I don't see myself as very different from straight guys. I said I disagree heavily with the sex-seeking promiscuous culture that seems to extend, for many people, way beyond their initial formative "second puberty" horny-as-fuck months after coming out (I'm still allowed to have my manwhore phase, if this continues however 10 years after coming out, then yes, I'm a fucking slut but now I think I'm okay). I also told him that I think open relationships are poor and pathetic commitments. And he told me that I am incredibly judgmental, and that I need to know that cheating is okay, and that the only reason why straight monogamy was promoted in the past was because condoms weren't invented, and STIs were rampant, so governing bodies (religious and not) institutionalized marriage as a way to prevent STI epidemics. However, now that condoms are invented, moral standards should change along with the times, and be more condoning of cheating, or polygamy.

I was fucking taken aback. He asked me if I was religious, because my "prudish" stance suggests imbibed religious overtures. I said no, I was just raised to be a good kid. And he said it's all subjective?? I don't know, I was so confused. He told me that all men cheat, many straight guys cheat, so because gay men are prone to twice the cheating, they shouldn't be held accountable to the same "heteronormative" standards. I really had nothing to say. I saw his point, but honestly, I feel like it's an excuse for gay people to just fuck around and feel justified for being "born this way." It's like how a rapist would say, I'm a man and it's just natural for me to want to ravish this woman walking alone in the park, so it isn't my fault.

I also told him how I don't identify much with gay culture, especially with the worship of divas like Adele, or whoever else, and I said I just don't understand it. And he said it's because women are traditionally seen as submissive, and these are people breaking the stereotypes as strong women, and so gay people identify with them. I guess I never thought of it that way. I also said that I don't get why so many are limp-wristed, and he said gay people just feel more relaxed to be more expressive without caring about conforming to society standards, insofar as to maybe imply that in the future when I get more comfortable "with the scene," I would start flapping my hands around like a dolphin. Um what excuse me? I noticed that in front of me he was a lot less limp-wristed than I remembered him back in middle school, where I already long suspected that he's probably gay. I mean dude, he had every album of Madonna's. Some times, I feel like the older generation really does come with a whole baggage of struggles to reach to today's quasi-liberated society, that I don't know, they think they have the eagle-eye perspective for everything. Well, I disagree with almost everything he said. But it's fine, I'm not championing anything. I'll just do my thing. It's all very interesting to me really. I realize very few people think the way I think. Especially because I haven't had anal sex since I think anal sex is completely unappealing, as much as everyone insists I'm a bottom waiting to be punished, lmao.

He also told me how he went through a phase where he was really into Mongolian guys, who looked like the type who would gallop by on his horse and grab you with one hand and rape you through the forests up the mountains...Omfg. It was an extremely vivid and hilarious description. I legit lol-ed. This dude used to teach me Science, and we watched Futurama episodes in class. Now he's showing me pictures of guys that are "his type" on his iPhone.

These are a few examples of "his type":

Warning: these are bears.

I was like whutttt. Granted he's a stocky dude himself. But seriously, I showed him my Instagram page and a few of the 97 male models that I follow, and he told me that he thinks they are all "twinks in [his] vocabulary," including those with an eight-pack and the V-line muscles. Dude is cray. It's hilarious. He linked me up with a few ex-classmates who are gay, and honestly, I have nothing in common with them. They're very flamboyant, and they worship divas like the Williams tennis twins, because they "grunt a lot," and other things. Still, it's not like I hate them, so I'm gonna meet up with them still, cos I think it's useful for both groups of us to interact more. One guy told me he's bi, and I laughed because I was reminded that back in school he used to blast Toxic by Britney Spears on the classroom speakers and crawl on the teacher's table doing her sexy diamond pose thing, and I was wondering which girl would be fine with him doing that...

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Sup homefries???

So I just wrote a post, but imma proof-read it and see if I come across as too opinionated...haha. I'm trying to be less of a cunt basically. So I'm keeping it as a draft for now.

Laterzz \m/

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Roped up, tied up, dead in a year

So there have been some stuff that's going on at work, but I'm way too lazy to talk about it. Basically, my boss is a cunt-ass bitch, and I'm becoming a lot more misogynistic now...it's strange, since gay guys are supposed to be BFFs with women, but I find women terribly bitchy, calculative, and ten times worse when they're your boss. I find that most dudes tolerate them because they want vag, but fuck that bro! I don't even want that so I really have very little tolerance to deal with their shit.

Obviously, this doesn't apply to all women. I'm just talking about the menopausal bitches out there yo. But seriously. BE LESS COMPLICATED. That's also the thing that I've realized about gay people... Gay people love drama. I kinda like it too I guess. I had a long closure talk with Douchie today. Dude. I'm over him. He told me today, that his bf was the one who initiated the break, and that he realized he still loves his bf, and so he cried. And his whole "I can do whatever I want now" was total bullshit, since he already knew that night that he was gonna get back with his bf. Fuck you! You totally played me! He told me that the more he hung out with me, the more he realized there were qualities he didn't find attractive. Fuck you again! You idealistic piece of shit! Who gets together with a dude because he's TOTALLY perfect?? No. You like a person, and so you embrace his flaws, and with a healthy relationship, the both of you develop and grow to become better people. It's all about the synergy, the mutual progress. It's all about a learning process seriously! You don't date someone because you love everything about the person! What a dumbass.

I told him that he's a piece of shit seriously, and that I didn't deserve any of that wishy-washy bullshit. And that everyone warned me against him, and yet I chose to believe in him instead. I also told him that seriously, this is his loss, I would have given the world to him, and I would have tried my frickin hardest to make it work between the both of us. But now I'm finally over him, and there are plenty other fishes in the sea. Oh wait, being gay makes that kinda hard I guess. I guess there are plenty other...needles in this fucking haystack yah?

Anyway, it all good now. This is a lesson learned. Never gonna be so honest with my feelings again. He probably never meant to hurt me, but still, he was selfish and he did end up hurting me. He told me like a million times today, "I love my bf" well whatevs bitchtits.

Yo, okay. Sorry for being so ranty. Just had to get that shite off my chest. Went to the gym after work today, zero eye candy, so I didn't even bother taking a shower and just bounced home. Haha. Also, my complexion is amazing now. I saw a dermatologist because I had cystic acne that I wanted cortisol injections for (it's not Botox, I swear), and she gave me a topical ointment of isotretinoin (I'm really good with these names I should have been a doctor!!! Like I know that the longest word in the medical dictionary is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. So yeah, it's just a bunch of words strung together cos some bitch doc probably got lazy to leave spaces between his words when he was writing - you know how they have really bad handwriting) and other than being pretty itchy, I have this slight sun-burn glow on my face, and it's really smooth now, which is pretty cool. I mean, I have pretty good complexion to begin with though, but this is really really baby smooth now.

My mom told me today not to work out too much, because she doesn't want to see me too beefy. Lmaooo. I love my mom. I told her she doesn't have to worry, since I dress pretty hipster/preppy, and those kinda clothes won't fit if I'm the Situation. And she was like, yah but I've noticed many gay men are always overly muscular it intimidates me! Hahaha it cracked me up. In the end to assure her I showed her pictures of shirtless guys whose bodies I kinda see as a benchmark. How strange mother-son bonding time...


That's Colton Haynes btw, who's really hot, and is my age and thus makes me feel like I should do more werk lol. When I did a Google search on him and clicked on this, my mom was like, "Ooh okay he has a good body. Okay get that body, but don't do that face it's creepy" Hahahaha!

Monday, April 22, 2013


Okay hold up, I listened to 1D's Kiss You 60 times today. Holy mother cow!!! It's just so addictive though! And I like doing silly faces when I sing along to the song. Aussie said I have really cartoonish expressions, which is true.

So work was boring as usual...I don't get when this shit will start getting interesting?? Le sigh. After work I decided to sign up for the gym at my workplace (also interestingly, people in my country get offended when I refer to my office as workplace, and my colleagues as coworkers. They think it's blue-collar speak. Lol.) since traffic during rush hour sucks bull testicles every time I have to drive down to my dad's country club gym, so this would work out better. When I got in, I immediately saw a hot dude in a red tank, and I was like yeayuh I'm already pumped lmao. Some Pinoy lady starts getting me signed up and all that stuff, and she asks me if I'm mixed Filipino-Chinese because of my accent yikes, I need to start speaking my local accent more... She also somehow convinced me with her hard-sell tactics to sign up for three PT seshs...I was like okay fine, but when she showed me the gym guy assigned to me, I was kinda disappointed...wahahha. But I'm gonna ask him to help me on whether I should get protein shakes, and diet, and exercises etc. I've actually put on 6 kg (13 lbs) since last June, I'm not sure how much is muscle and how much is fat or water weight, but I honestly look a lot less scrawny than before and I'm pretty pleased, but I really still wanna get more swoll. I'm already 65 kg, but I wanna get up to at least 68 kg, which would make me 10 kg heavier than the heaviest I've ever been in my life pre-June 2012!

Anyway this gym is pretty cool because they provide you with gym attire, when I wore it though the shirt material kinda sucks and it was kinda itchy so maybe I'm not gonna use it the next time but it's convenient though.

Got changed, and when I got out, the gym was really packed. Half the guys are so obviously gay because they're femme, and the other half are all pretty hot haha. There was a dude who looked like the Asian guy from Glee, an Indian guy who was incredibly handsome and had a great body, and a white guy who kept squeezing his chest to see if it's growing bigger (it was already big enough). Damn son!!! I feel like I'm gonna go to the gym a lot more now lolol. In the locker room I checked out a few of the guys that I noticed working out just now, and sadly very few of them look that good. I realize for most people while they look bulky, when they take their shirts off they're still kinda flabby. I think I rather my size where I'm not flabby but not bulky too.

I saw two of my coworkers, and one dude gave me a really hard bro-punch on my chest, this guy is really annoying as to how broey he acts with me seriously! I'm not his bro! All East Coast preppy frat and shit. When I went over to my locker, I realized this guy was staring at me the entire time. When he took his shirt off, I was semi-checking him out because he had a really good body. And when he took his pants off, I looked away cos I didn't want him to see me checking him out or anything haha. The thing is...he's really old. Like 45 or something. I got changed, and decided to hit the steam room first.

Waddya know, he was in there. A couple other guys came in after that, and he kept looking over at me. I looked back a couple times, but my stare never lingered much. He really had a great body though, especially for someone his age. He was also obviously flexing his biceps for me...I smirked a lil. When I left, I saw the previous Indian dude shirtless and holy poop his bod is buhbuhbangin'!! He looks at me a while because he totally knows I'm checking him out. I'm not sure if he's looking at me because he's creeped out or because he's interested but whatever this guy is pretty ace. As I leave the gym, the old guy smiles at me and says hi, and I smile back and say hi and quickly enter the elevator. He turns around and looks at me again...

So yes, I shall admit it. I've been a whore lately. Except unlike Emma, I haven't really been jerking shit, it's the other way round. I can't help it though it's like, I'm an erupting volcano of horniness. Man these hormones are off the charts and bouncin off the walls and shit. But AGE is a terrible no-go for me...I'm not gonna hook up with someone who's underage, or someone who's almost old enough to be my dad.

Also, I've been thinking about it again, because Aussie keeps telling me I'm clearly a bottom since okay, I shall admit it, those perverts in the Japanese gay bar totally fingered me while in the bar!!! But I honestly am not turned on at all by any of these ass actions!! I just don't mind it, and I let it slide (uhm) cos they want it so bad...and it's like whatever to me. It really scares me to think that I'm a bottom! Idk why, I'm being immature really.

I feel like I used to be a lot more puritanical, but it seems like now that I've found my way to the gay clubbing scene my morals have loosened up a bit (and so have other things...womp). Anal is still however, definitely a no-go for me as of now, and I will also not rim someone else because I think it's disgusting.

In other news, I'm super pumped also, because I'm gonna try to take 1.5 months of no-paid leave off from work because look at all the fucks that I give to the corporate world!!!! Yeah. Zero. Other than my initial plans of Hong Kong, San Fran, Chicago, New York, Paris, London, I'm also thinking of joining my friend from my finance class back in college for Copenhagen, Hamburg, Berlin, Prague, Munich, Cologne, and Amsterdam. He's backpacking alone, and I asked if I could join and he said sure. He's the dude that I found from Jackd and we're probably gonna have a big ole gay Eurotrip hitting up gay bars and clubs and shit. He told me Cologne's the gay capital of Germany too, so that's pretty cool. He's a really chill guy too, so it should be fun. He did tell me though that he hates weed...which sucks. Was thinking I could have a stoner buddy wit me. Oh wells.

I need to get 1D's song outta my head...and also, I need to hit the sack.


Boom. That is all. Peace.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

A suburban war

It's kinda sad again that everyone's linking the bombs to Islam again... but honestly what a tragic event really. I teared when I saw the video.

I'm back from Tokyo. It was a great business trip. Everyone else on the trip was higher management peeps, only this lil nooblet right hurr'. I saw a lot of buildings, including the largest single-tenanted built-to-suit warehouse in Asia, developed by my company for Amazon Japan! Pretty darn cool. Loads of offices too, a factory outlet mall, and a couple shopping malls too. Semi-good food, nothing very kaiseki-like though (my palate has been horribly pampered by my parents) Japanese people are incredibly nice and helpful and polite.

I got pretty drunk one night because Japanese people drink quite a bit, and they made me drink a lot of sake since I'm the youngest (by like, a mile). I got back to my hotel, and felt so lovesick, I called Douchie (Aussie told me to rename him to Douchie). He gave me some shit about how he has never felt this way before about someone, but he realizes he still likes his bf. I was like, fuck you dude you played me. I'm so dumb...he just liked the attention he was receiving. And yet I still really miss him. Every time I saw really gay-ass pants in Tokyo, especially all the paisley and floral shit, I thought of him and my heart ached. Gah. I even had a dream about him, that he got together with my Argentinian friend from college, and told me that he dumped his bf, but would never get wit me. I woke up feeling like shit :o( :o( This is all so crazy because I realize the first day that I met him was barely over a month ago  on March 15, and I stopped talking to him on April 16... I gotta protect myself in the future because I tend to just bare my heart.

I stayed on for the weekend to meet up with my really good Japanese friend from college who I went to Miami for spring break with. Dude...he changed so much. He's uber-Asian now, and can't really speak English that well anymore. Hahaha...his girlfriend's pretty cute and REALLY nice to me, so I'm happy for him. She asked me about my love life and told me that she can give me advice about girls, and I told her sheepishly, "haha...I don't think I need advice about girls cos I'm not seeing anyone now." And she said "Maybe for the future!" And I told her "Eh...I mean more like, I don't think I'll ever need advice on girls though..." And she said "AHHhhhhh...Omg! I'm so sorry!" And after that it was never mentioned again. I think she felt really awkward lol, and kind of just ignored the fact that I just told her I'm gay. It's kinda funny because after that she still made jokes about me going to massage parlors to get "happy endings" and I'm pretty sure she wasn't talking about me getting jerked off by a dude. I guess it's the Asian way to just ignore all the problems away...haha.

Two of her friends are Japanese guys who are married to white chicks. Insane! I thought the cultural barrier would be impossible. I find it difficult to really communicate with Japanese people, since they don't speak English and they're very very traditional in culture. But still, meeting his friends was really nice, they're all super chill and funny, and I had a good time.

My flight was Sunday 6.30 am, so on Saturday night I decided to head out to the gay district since it was my only free night. My buddy didn't want to come with me, nor meet up with this Japanese guy who was very insistent to meet up from Jackd...I'm not sure if he's cool with this whole homosexuality thing actually, since he doesn't talk to me about it ever. I'm kinda sad about that tbh, because he used to be such a bro to me, not like he isn't now, but I feel like he just ignores it. Like he still makes gay jokes around me, and I still laugh but it's just weird though...

Anyway, so I went alone. For some reason, I met a lot of people that night. People kept introducing me to other groups, and so on. Again, it was mostly white guys, since it was pointless to talk to the Japanese. I tried talking to this really attractive Japanese guy but he was so awkward because he didn't speak English...it also blew my mind how many white guys speak Japanese so fluently. I was talking to a couple of guys by the bar, and seriously out of nowhere this guy who was friends with the peeps I was talking to starts unbuttoning my shirt, and the next thing I know I have four or five guys touching me all over. And this was right beside the bar counter, so everyone could see... Honestly though I didn't think too much about it, it was kinda funny. Some guy then starts making out with me, and the others still continue to touch me. Gay bars are pretty insane! He was a really good kisser though! Probably 35, Australian, tall, not fat, haha...I didn't really touch him back though. After that, this Pinoy guy whose boyfriend I was talking to just now, starts kissing me on the cheek and telling me that I'm gorgeous, and he starts grabbing my dick and I'm like...dude you have a boyfriend. And he tells me he's in an open relationship, and I tell him I don't believe in that. And he makes out with me! And I push him away and he tells me "Come on! Loosen up a bit" and then he forcefully pushes me into the bathroom stall with him and he starts sucking me off. And I just go with the flow for a bit. He tells me I have a perfect ass and starts to rim me. And I stand there and give him like a minute and then I started feeling slutty (I also feel absolutely nothing when people rim me) I tell him I want to GTFO. I didn't touch him at all, nor kiss him back.

So okay that was a really un-hot recounting of my night. After that I went home, showered, and got a cab to the airport. But anyway, the truth is, I enjoyed it. I talked to my friend about this later on, and I asked her if I should be concerned since it seems I really really like attention from guys, but she reassured me that society has made us all think this way anyway. I don't know though. At least it's not too out of hand, but it might get problematic if that's all I ever want. Which some times feels that way... I get really turned on when people are turned on by me. How narcissistic is that?! I didn't even really mind that some of the dudes were fucking femme and called me "sister." I think I've managed to separate it though, the feral part of hooking up with the romantic part of hooking up. I figure I'm just gonna have fun until I finally find a guy worth settlin down with. Till then I'm just gonna have a lil fun.

Anyway, I think I have an addiction problem with men!! I have no fucking clue why, but I am really following so many hot guys on Instagram and it's really my daily mission to find more!! Why so strange?? Beats me. Bleh bleh bleh bloo blah blah. Also, really strange that many people who search fat gay guys on Google end up on my blog?? What the poop bros?!?! Why would you want to search for fat gay guys?? A lot also search for Diego Boneta, who is really gorg as fuck btdubs!! These are a couple pics from his Facebook.

Man will ya just look at him!!! It is utter poop I say, utter poop!!!, that all the hottest guys are straight. This dude would be the perfect boyfriend!

Wanted to hit the gym but I'm tired as hell. Haven't gone in a long time, getting flabby and shit now!! Gotta keep working on my mantra: "become the person you wanna fuck" !! It's a fucking ace mantra and everyone should abide by it!!! Also, need to stop using so many exclamation marks!!!

Peace yo. Here's a sexy-ass video that is part of my "foreplay" playlist lmao. Yehyeh I know that's a chick not a dude, but she's mighty fine still! I think she's some VS model?? I have no clue. 

Tuesday, April 16, 2013


I actually cried on the plane today to Tokyo. For some reason I'm heartbroken. It doesn't feel very good. I'm not sure if I still hate him. He got back together with his bf again, and I told him to get the fuck out of my life. I deleted him from Facebook and my phone and everything. I was motherfucking mad at him. But I realize I can't stay mad at him forever because I really do like him. Love is utter poop.

Monday, April 15, 2013

I wonder if you know, how they live in Tokyo?

Dutchie is on a break with his bf. We made out today in his dorm after having some handmade noodles in Chinatown with his Canadian best friend. He told me he felt it was going too fast, since he "just broke up" with his bf. Okay. That's kinda true. But you have 4 weeks left in my country, I need to speed things up a bit dude. I know, I'm a home-wrecking slut. I actually do feel bad though, but not too bad since I don't know the guy at all and he's far away and honestly LDRs rarely ever work out?? Yeah I'm making excuses for myself...Anyway, I jerked him off a bit through his pants heh, he was reallll stiff oh yeah I'm good now, with the whole necking and ear thing since my very awesome Aussie goach taught me so well, Dutchie was moaning and grabbing my butt and shit!!! Hahahaha. He is also MUCH better at making out this time, I actually enjoyed it a lot and really got into the mood.

Still though, we ended it because his bf called him, and wanted to talk again. He once again gave me the whole "I don't want to give you false hope" bullshit so fuck it!!!! I gotta remain strong this time and not see him for at least a week. Ain't nobody got time for dat!!! Which isn't gonna be too tough since ...I'm flying to Tokyo tomorrow for a business trip till Friday!!! I'm extending it till Sunday so I can get to hang with my really good buddy from college working there now! He speaks Japanese too so that's perf. I'm pumped. Career milestone baby. First business trip with the new (shitty) job! 180 USD meal allowance every day! Although in Japan that is probably just three bowls of ramen...Gonna check out Jackd there and maybe have some fun?? To get over Dutchie quickly?? Idk dudes. On one hand I really am smitten with him every time I see him, but after I leave I always feel like a mistress bitch and I hate feeling that way. Also, this really cute older dude totally checked me out and did two double-takes when we were walking to dinner just now, I cheekily grinned at him. I've a ridiculously impish smile it's always like I'm up to no good ehehe, it's kinda weird but whatever!!!

OK I'm sounding less and less like myself online these days!! I use a lot of exclamation marks for no good reason!! I have rashes again all over my fucking chest, FUCKEN HELL dude this shit needs to stop. I've been talking to this cute Indian dude on Jackd too, and it's been going well, maybe I'll just meet up with him instead to forget about Dutchman really, also seriously he has such gay fashion sense he wore these really billowy Japanese Issey Miyake pants out today, but who am I to judge when I have a Dries Van Noten passport sleeve and a Ferragamo wallet and a Bottega Veneta belt it's like gay gay gay

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Enough to let you go

I'm fucking emo now. I didn't think it was possible but I honestly feel so strongly for this kid. I hung out the entire night on Friday (we had hookah with a couple other exchange kids), and the entire day on Saturday with him. I brought him to eat more of my local food, so that he wouldn't forget me. We goofed around in the malls, me trying on dapper suits and blazers, and him looking at all sorts of crazy patterned shorts, like paisley and shit. He has pretty gay taste dude...haha. Like this is what he wears whenever we meet up:

Look at those fucking pants!!!

At night I cheekily told him to come back to my place with me cos I needed to change out of shorts to pants since I was gonna hit the clubs (first time straight clubbing in like, a month dude.) and I pushed him on my bed, and told him "you know I'm gonna regret it so much if we don't even kiss once" and I just lean in and kiss him. He was very resistant at first, but he relented. We kiss for a really long time. He was so nervous, and clearly I'm a lot more experienced at kissing lololol, guess I did have a lot of practice with chicks too...but yeah his teeth kept knocking mine it was kinda strange, so I just went on to just sucking his lips. We cuddled a bit, and each time we kissed he kept telling me to stop, but he didn't resist. I sent him back, since he wasn't on the guestlist for the night, and I went to join my other friends.

The club fucking sucked. The music was incredibly loungey, yet bassy, and there were so few cute dudes around. I talked to a couple of guys though, and a Swiss and a Frenchie added me on Facebook. Frenchie was really cute actually! Except he's like 5'5.5"... Helped wingman a chick in my group one of his French friends, they were really eating each other's faces out. I stood there, wishing that Dutchie could have joined me instead, and after a while at 2.30 am, we bounced, I talked to two Swiss dudes outside, and they somehow decided to join us (think they were eyeing the girls in our group) to the gay bar I always go to. It was empty as fuck, and I was bored and pissed off with one of the Swiss dudes who was being homophobic and who actually talked smack about the drag queens there in front of their faces. They turned around and told him "white boy fucking kill yourself." Actually I'm beginning to realize my country's pretty xenophobic, well, every country's pretty xenophobic. I guess I'm...xenophilic?

Anyways, today Dutchie told me that he's having a really bad day, that he spoke with his boyfriend and his mom, and he really needs to go back in May. I told him that I'm going to back off completely now, and he didn't like it. I told him "Goodbye" on the phone, and he told me not to say that, because it feels final. My friend just texted me and told me that Dutchie called him crying, and is going over to his room now to talk. There's so much drama in this whole shit dude. But I feel horrible that I made him cheat on his dude. I just wish I can find a new fuck buddy or something or whatever to take my mind off him.

I had cake and beer (odd combination I know) with a rugby friend of mine from high school. This is different from the other pervy shithole I met the other time. This dude is good-looking, funny, popular and reminds me a bit of myself actually. Yeah, I'm arrogant whatever lol. He hasn't had a girlfriend in 24 years, so yeahhh. We caught up and talked about old friends from high school and shit, and after a while I came out to him. He was cool about it, though he's really Christian. He told me he's straight though heh. I don't know about that dude...But anyway, he's migrating to London (he went to school there anyway) end of May, and so we promised to catch up more times here before he leaves, and I'll probably hit him up in London. I told him I really wanna go back to the states, and he encouraged me to just take up the job in my dad's NYC branch, since once I get past the hurdle of getting an employment visa, it's gonna be much easier to find other jobs there. I thought about it and it makes a lot of sense. Might as well yeah, as nepotistic as it is. So I'm considering this now, although I would probably have to work my ass off in NYC...

I'm also deciding my vacay, taking no-pay leave from work. I haven't talked to my boss yet, who clearly hates me but whatever she's fat and old, but I'm thinking of taking maybe...1-1.5 months off in June. Tentatively, I'm thinking of flying to Hong Kong, then San Francisco, then Chicago, then New York City, then Paris, then London, and then maybe join my college friends for grad trip somewhere in Europe, or just go back home. Gonna be visiting friends in all these places except SF, which I just wanna hit up the gay bars and shit. Haha. Also to just generally get a feel of the West Coast (haven't been in like 10 years), probably smoke a lot of weed too, and other stuff.

I don't know. I'm feeling pretty shitty though about this whole Dutchie shit. The fucking problem is I really fucking like him. What the fuck why do I??? I have no answer to that, but affairs of the heart are honestly rarely rational.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

I'm just as fucked up as they say

Just some rant I had to get out of my system.

In other less heavy news, check out Scott Herman on YouTube. Dude does gym exercise videos with the proper form and a hilarious breathing out TFFFTTTT sound, and I'm learning a lot about how I have weak-ass form oh boy. Dude is also mighty fineeee, so that's really killing two birds with one stone watching his vids. Did squats for the very first time in my life today, cos I'm a real noob and never thought about activating my growth hormones and all that poop so never did leg/core/back exercises, no wonder I ain't gettin swoll, bitch! 'Nuff real talk.

An old friend from the army contacted me and said that we should catch up on Friday since we haven't seen each other for about...5 years. He kept pestering me about my "girlfriend situation," and initially I told him I'll tell him more when I see him, but he got even more inquisitive and started asking me more questions. So I straight up told him, "hey so there's actually no girlfriend, because I'm not interested in girls" and he had the whole "seriously? Am I reading it right?" kind of thing and then he said "If that's the case, then hmm....let's not meet up then"

My entire body sank. There was, at the same time, both a lot and yet nothing going on in my head. And then he replied a "nah just playin with ya" and started asking me to give him advice on his girlfriend instead since clearly I'm supposed to be god's gift to straight guys into the psyche of a fucking vagina.

Anyway, aside from my trolling ass of a friend, it really got me thinking. So far none of my friends I've come out to have given me any shit for it. But I don't know how I'm gonna feel when a supposed "friend" just ups and leaves once I come out to him/her. It's weird really, since I haven't thought about this in a long time, that people might actually reject me for who I am.

It was a pretty good reality check.

Sunday, April 7, 2013

We don't sleep when the sun goes down

Hmm. My life seems to be headed in a very strange direction again. I think I'm beginning to realize once again, that the group of people that I truly like hanging out with the most, are straight guys. It's so weird how much of a "frat-bro" I am. I like getting fucked up, fucking things up, and everything else except well, fucking bitches I guess.

So on Friday I headed over to the giant hotel in my city for another hotel room party. There was a Dress Up as a Celebrity theme, but I really don't care that much for themed parties so I didn't dress up as anyone. The whole party was kinda odd to me. So the party's organized by my gay friend, and I love the guy, but like most gay people he manages to camp shit up pretty well...I don't know how I felt about the whole thing. People were dressed really over the top, this chick dressed up as Nicki Minaj and honestly looked like a drag queen. And most of the party the gay guys were dancing with the girls to J-Biebs and all that shit. And I was mostly there to just kick it and meet new people over drinks, so I didn't join in on all the shenanigans. As usual, having a gay host means that inevitably good looking guys get invited over. I was talking to this English guy, and turns out he knows my sister because they're both in the same faculty in London! Small ass world! But that's also because my sister is wildly popular...she is really beautiful so all the guys mack on her a lot haha.

Pretty much I spent my entire night speaking to English instead of Dutchie, since I tried really hard to ignore him. Dutchie wasn't very happy haha. When we got up to the infinity pool and chilled there for a bit, he came over and talked to me, and said that he's more relaxed over the last couple of days because we've been talking less, but he doesn't like it that I'm ignoring him. So I was like, okay, I'll start talking to you again. As I got progressively drunker, I pulled him away from the party and we sat outside by the elevator and I talked to him for like..an hour. I tried to kiss him again, and he pulled away. Yeah I'm an asshole I know. Somehow this time though, it finally clicked in my head, that there really will be nothing happening between me and Dutchie. I went back to the party, English bloke asked me where I disappeared to and stuff, and he could sense there was something going on between Dutchie and me, so we went out for a smoke and I just talked to him.

I have no clue why I smoke but I guess social smoking is fine in small doses. English bloke's actually really nice, and he has really nice eyes too haha, hazel and shit. He's actually really cute so I didn't mind just talking to him the entire night. I told him about how I've only came out three months ago, and that I like Dutchie but he has a bf and is insanely faithful for a gay man, haha. English dude was really understanding and a great listener, and we just talked while looking at the crazy view and shit. Super chill. I went back into the party, talked to this attractive Kiwi, who told me that all the straights should band together since the party seems overwhelmingly full of gay guys and girls who like gay guys. I looked around and it wasn't exactly true, but all the gay dudes were dancing in the middle so I could see what he was saying. I wanted to tell him I was gay, but then bitched out because well, I liked talking to him and didn't see how it was really relevant...I probably should have told him though. He was wearing a tank and was such a frat-bro really with his beer and stuff. So a couple of us just stood by the side and just talked and everything. And this is what I really like, getting to know new people, especially the really chill kick-it kind of dudes.

English guy told me he smoked a joint in the hotel one night at another hotel room party, and I was so surprised how he managed to find doobie in my country since I thought it was like kryptonite or some shit. I went to the bathroom and found this Canadian totally wasted out of his mind leaning against the tub and I helped him sober up a lil by getting him water and stuff. We talked for a bit, and in his drunken stupor he brought up the topic of how it was strange that I was straight and taking care of him like more than a friend or something...I told him this isn't exactly relevant, but yes I'm gay. He said "oh cool that's totally cool with me..." So I've realized people are actually pretty chill with the whole gay thing really! As the night went on, Canadian was passed out on the bed, and I went over to him and we talked a lil, and he said something about how he's "some times bisexual" and so he's cool with the whole gay guy thing. I asked him if I could kiss him, and he said yeah sure why not? And so we made out for like 4 seconds. Which was pretty hot because everyone else was in the room and some people definitely saw. After that he made out with this girl for the rest of the night. He came over to me and told me "Hey I'm sorry but I'm actually a lot more straight than I am anything else, hope you understand." I told him to not sweat it, it's no biggie.

The next day though holy shit, my gay host-friend told me that the girl he was making out with was really pissed with me that night because she brought him, and they were making out in the balcony first before he came over to the bed, and she was fuming when I made out with him. !!! I immediately Facebook-messaged the chick and apologized to her, and told her that he sent me mixed signals about being "some times bisexual" lol, and she said nah it's fine, at least now she knows he's bi and wouldn't be surprised in the future, and she said she's some times bisexual too. And I said oh cool...me too I guess? Haha. It was a really awk conversation basically.

Anyway so this Indian dude and the English dude and I were talking about girlfriends and shit, and English guy shows us his girlfriend's pic and the Indian guy was like "Man sorry but not my taste." HAH! He was really drunk so he was incredibly honest, and English pretty much flipped shit. "What the fuck man that is not cool of you! I was going to show you her tits but I'm not going to anymore!" I kept pressing him to show me her tits, I had no clue why though but honestly it's kinda douchey for a bf to show his friends a picture of his gf's tits! I slept on the bed after with this Pinoy girl, Indian dude, and my gay friend, and when I joked about how I wanted to cuddle with the Pinoy girl she was like "Um please don't, I really don't know if you're entirely gay."

And this is what I've realized so far, that I've had a really easy ride on the whole coming out thing because I'm not stereotypically gay at all other than the fact I heavily heavily check cute guys out, but I've realized that many people aren't exactly convinced that I'm gay, and girls really have not dropped their "wall" or whatever, you know? Like how gay people always say that once they come out to girls, girls change in front of them, or be really touchy and everything? That hasn't happened to me at all. I tried dancing with a girl at the party (even though I hate dancing when it's not in a club - I love dancing though.) and she was so uncomfortable because she thought I was hitting on her and I said "I'm gay!!!" but it really didn't help. It's just weird...

Saturday night I drove my sister to the hospital because she had gastroenteritis, and I wanted to get my itch checked out too. I told my mom about it, and she told me I HAD to see a doctor just in case it was some STI...I told her I didn't do anything! And she's like that's what you're telling me but please be completely frank with the doc. Hahah...Oh Mother. Anyway, turns out it really is just a jock itch, he gave me some kind of topical cream and I'm a lottt better now. Probably should have seen a doc much earlier, my balls were on fire the entire day of Saturday really the itch became impossible to deal with. Sister had a jab to ease the pain, and she went home with my mom, while I headed out to my favorite gay bar again to meet my army buds.

Now I don't know why but I guess it's because my army buds and I are really good bro-friends, but it's getting a bit strange that they keep coming to gay bars with me. This time it was 4 straight dudes. We sat at a table and one of them was visibly super awkward and had this invisible "don't touch my ass" wall all around him. Heh. There weren't any cute guys around, and when I finally met one, I realized I didn't have the balls to go and talk to him because it's weird to mack on guys when your straight friends are around, and he probably didn't dare approach me too because I was in a group of 4 other obviously straight men...We eyed each other a lot though and I heard him talking and he doesn't sound gay at all, and I probably should have made a move but oh well whatever...Other than that really flamboyant guys hit on me and I was tired of it so we left to get some food and went home after that.

So I don't know how I feel about everything now. I'm getting tired of the gay scene. And I think I've almost completely friendzoned Dutchie now, like I've really lost interest and I'm realizing that maybe he's too "effeminate" for me, since he likes ballet a lot, and art and dancing with girls and stuff. And I think I want to make more broey straight friends now, to feel more in my element. It's just all so weird to me now, like I'm pretty confused as to why I'm a gay guy who's really quite different from the other gay guys that I meet. I might stop this gay clubbing thing soon because it's futile, and basically any wishful thinking of really finding a bro-boyfriend, because I doubt it's gonna happen. And I really do miss Aussie as a friend with benefits :o(

Thursday, April 4, 2013

You were trouble when you walked in

Life has been weird again. But first, I have 2000 cumulative views on my blog! That's kinda exciting! I started this about three months ago, and man, I've come a pretty long way. Things go up and down though...

I'd just go chronologically I guess. I had dinner with Dutchie on Sunday, and it was actually really really good. We ate these: (merely stock photos from the net)

The last one is stingray btw, with loads of spicy paste on top of it. Stingray's basically a ray. Yeah,w e eat that shit. It's hard to describe how my local food tastes like, but honestly they're all amazing.

We shared a bit more about ourselves with each other, about our family, friends, etc. Then we had ice cream, and I sent him home. Before he got out, he gave me a handshake, but like the kind where you grab the guy's hand to do a bro-one handed hug? Know what I'm talking about? And we lingered for a bit, it was kinda strange. He thanked me for dinner after that, and I drove home. I texted our mutual friend after that, and I told him that I could tell, that the more I'm hanging out with Dutchie, the more he's convincing himself that we should just remain as friends. My friend told me that he once waved to Dutchie while crossing paths along the hallway at school, but Dutchie didn't notice him because he was smiling at his phone texting, and my friend knew that Dutchie was texting me. My heart kinda sank after talking to my friend.

Tuesday night I met up with the rugby player from my high school who tried to hit on me on Jackd because he couldn't recognize me. Before going though, there was a team dinner at a pretty fancy Chinese restaurant, and I wasn't feeling very happy because I was texting Dutchie back and forth. There was a bottle of Macallan that a colleague brought, so I started just drinking quite a bit at dinner. I told the Dutchie a lil bit about hanging out with the Aussie, and I cheekily asked him if he was jealous when I talked about him. He said he used to be fucking jealous, especially the first time when I bailed on him to hang with the Aussie instead, but now he isn't anymore. And we got on talking, and it basically led to the conclusion that he's really unsure about how he feels about me. And that just tells me that he doesn't like me, yknow. I left the dinner early to take the train to meet my friend, and I called Dutchie and we just kinda thrashed it out. I told him that "affairs of the heart" (I know, real sappy shit right there) are really not that complicated, and if he's so uncertain about how he feels about me, it's pretty clear he doesn't like me enough. He said yes, that the more we hang out, there are more areas of me that he realizes he doesn't really like. Like my drinking habits. I told him that he was just rationalizing this all, coming up with excuses really, and that he probably never even liked me for me in the first place, and that I was just a convenient excuse for him to think about where he stands with his bf, since I'm a new face and everything. He said maybe that's true. Yeah, that fucking hurt. He also told me that he still cares deeply for his bf. I told him that this is all I really need to know, and I hung up.

At the bar, I was just fuming at first. Why was I being so incredibly stupid, making myself vulnerable to a guy that is in a relationship? It really sucks when you realize that your feelings for someone is unrequited. I told him we'll just be friends, and then I didn't text him anymore after that. My rugby friend with me was telling me to calm down, and so we ordered our drinks. The place was pretty cool, completely hidden and pretentious and the usual. Bartender was pretty cute, there was also a couple beside me. I don't even remember what we really talked about because all I could think about was Dutchie, but I didn't really have fun with the rugby dude. However, I did get a free drink from the couple beside me. He came over and talked to me, telling me that I should see the bartender as a psychologist and tell him my troubles and he'll fix a drink to fix that. Haha. So he bought me an old-fashioned bourbon, and it was delicious. Dude's from Michigan, and his wife's from Missouri, so we all bonded over being in the Midwest and stuff for a bit. Bartender spoke to us too, from the Bay Area, and after a while he spoke of his fiance and I was like dangit, not gay. Haha. Turns out the Michigan dude is one of the owners of the bar, and so my free drink was from the owner! Madness. This is one of the hottest new bars in my country so that was pretty cool. He really liked talking to me, both he and his wife gave me their namecards and after that he told me to email him because I'm a "good soul" and he wants to stay in contact. That made me feel a lot better. The other dude who sat beside us apparently owns another bar somewhere else too, so I was just meeting bar owners the entire night and that was awesome.

As I still felt like drinking, I told my rugby friend to head over to my favorite gay bar and drank more. I went out for a smoke (I don't even smoke...but I have a pack of cigs and a lighter in my backpack left behind by a bud before) because I felt like having one, and I unbuttoned my shirt cos it was really hot out. My rugby friend started getting fresh with me. I was like, wtf?? He slipped his hands and tried to rub my chest and shit, and I was like wtf are you doing dude. He said "just horsing around." When we left, we were walking on the street and he just unbuttons all of my buttons, even though I was resisting and everything. Then he started touching my abs and he ACTUALLY tried to touch my dick but I pushed him away real hard and told him to fucking quit that shit. I was kinda drunk by then so I was really confused, so I got a cab and went back home. He texted me telling me to relax and he said he was just playing with me, but I definitely did not feel that way, especially when he knows I was really vulnerable cos I talked to him about Dutchie and everything. What a dick dude! I'm not hanging out with him anymore. Just because we're all gay doesn't give you the right to get fresh with me w t f

I came back home really late that night, and the next day I felt like death at work. Then I had shit to do, my immediate boss told me I wasn't doing what she wanted me to do, so I started panicking and I called my mom. She started going off on all tangents about weird shit like office politics, and so I hung up on her cos she wasn't helping me, and then my dad calls me and tells me that I have to "wake up" and start doing real work and stop being an embarrassment. And I started just crashing again. I went to the bathroom and just cried and cried like every time I'm in a bad place. What can one do, when your dad is the CEO of a 400 million dollar company? Fail, really. Fail at everything in life. He doesn't get it that I'm not him. I'm not him at all, no matter how similar I am to him, I am vastly different. I picked myself up, went to have a chat with the big boss as to what was needed of me, and he explained it a lot better, and now I should be good to go.

My brother came back last night as a "surprise" and everyone was really happy to see him. I came down, hugged him, caught up with him for a bit, and then went back up and crashed. I wasn't really friendly so I'm trying to make it up to my brother now by getting us all to go for happy hour drinks and oysters tonight. I'd see how it goes, but honestly, I have this tendency to freak out about things, and make things sound a lot worse than they actually are, and I usually fall back on my parents to just console me and tell me that everything's gonna be fine. But then they lecture me for all kinds of shit about how I'm not treating life seriously, and it just depresses me even more that they think I'm such a failure all the time. I really need to leave my family for a bit, it really is one of the biggest sources of stress in my life.

In other news, I don't know if I caught something from Aussie but my entire groin and anal area are itching so, so goddamn much. I'm really afraid I got crabs but I don't think so cos I don't see any "eggs" or whatever. Last night I got really pissed that I've been itching for days so I took an old toothbrush and just scratched the hell out of my groin, balls, and everything. Lol. Then I slapped on some kind of strange Chinese scalding cream thing and oddly today I feel slightly better. But I can't help but feel that God is punishing me for being sexually active...lol. Dude give me a goddamn break I didn't even have sex! Gah.

Also, I'm getting annoyed with the peeps at work. They make gay jokes all the time. Like they'd joke about something and be like, "Woah...didn't know you swung that way man! So many weirdos at work..." and I really feel like telling them to stop it because it's offensive to me as a gay person but I really don't know how people would react though. It's kinda like a fraternity, because my team's basically 4 or 5 guys in their late twenties who basically make misogynistic and gay jokes all the time. So I've really just been avoiding eating lunch with them, and have been eating by myself. I don't really mind it actually.

Also, I've not gone to the gym for two weeks now and I feel like a slob. I just haven't had time cos I've been hanging with the Aussie and I've been mopey and tired this week. My face is also breaking out and I look terrible now...yes yes, I'm being vain and shallow. I'm gonna go to a dermatologist this Saturday to get some cortisol injections for my cystic acne, lol. I also have a hotel room party tomorrow but I'm still thinking about whether I should go cos Dutchie's gonna be there. I told Dutchie about my groin itch, and all my sexcapades with the Aussie and he's fuming mad at me for telling him all that. Haha. There. I made things easier for us. I was really being so stupid the entire time.

Also, Instagram get with the program! I've only followed cute dudes so far so your popular page needs to learn user habits and only show me hot guys!