Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Just a second we're not broken just bent


Dude, it's awesome that tomorrow is a holiday, I love unexpected holidays.
 
So ok, I've been pretty sickish, like I have a sore throat, and I'm coughing a lot, and my nose is real stuffy. It probably doesn't help also that I've been driving home every day blasting EDM with my windows down and singing at the top of my lungs with the wind coming in, haha, but it's pretty cathartic! I've been drinking loads of green tea every day, I haven't had the time to see a doc, but I've also been using a Neti pot, but my nose is seriously so congested the water isn't even really going through! Whutttt.
 
On Sunday my English friend and I made plans to go prawning. Prawning is a peculiarly popular local pastime, where, like fishing, you fish for prawns instead. We were such complete noobs when we got there, having no clue at all how to use the hook, the bait (chicken liver bits), the technique to flick the rod up to get the prawn hooked, how to unhook the prawn while holding it down and breaking its claws off, how to skewer them and add salt and barbecue them ourselves. It was hilarious. Everyone else was looking at us amused. When my mate S caught his first prawn, he flicked it up and it went really close to my shorts and I started jumping up and down like a lil girl because dude...those claws could've castrated me. Okay, probably not, but they would probably still hurt. We were really like little girls because we took a really long time holding the prawn down and unhooking the hook...haha.
 
Well, in an hour, he caught only one, and I caught 4. Wow, that is incredibly pathetic. The lady behind the counter took massive pity on us, and gave us 12 free ones, so we had 8 each in the end to barbecue. Setting up the pit and fanning the coals, along with skewering the prawns live (the first one I had to do I struggled so hard because I felt so bad...the legs were going crazy and writhing everywhere blehh). But dude. they tasted so good, we also had a couple beers and other local food and we just talked a lot. In fact, we really just talked all the way till like 1 am when I gave him a ride back to his dorm, sharing our stories about London (he goes to school there - also he knows my sister, I think I've mentioned this guy before, he's 6' 2" and a real looker haha), about Asian versus Western culture, about his views about gay people and gay clubbing (he went once, to G.A.Y. in London. No kidding, that's the name of the club. I've been there once too haha), about his long-distance relationship with his girlfriend, about how there is a segment of local girls here that crave white men, and once there was this girl who straddled him at the hotel party we both were at, and she insinuated that he was gay because he rejected her, about how there was once in Vietnam this 17-year old girl was giving him a massage and wanted to give him a happy ending and he turned her down because he felt it was really seedy since she was probably forced into this business, and the girl panicked and went out to talk to her boss who came over to talk to him about why he didn't want a happy ending LOL.
 
Basically, it was such a good night. And I went back home being so convinced, once again, that in general I really do prefer hanging out with straight guys. Many of them are so chill, laidback, uncomplicated, and generally just don't give too much of a shit about anything. And I started thinking about my recent experiences with my gay friends, and everything is just incredibly, incredibly dramatic for some peculiar reason. Gay people love drama. Every small little thing snowballs into some gigantic issue. It's incredible. Suffice to say, I hate drama. I find it so unnecessary. People should just say whatever is on their minds. A caveat however, is that you don't have to agree with everything everyone else says. I firmly believe that people should just be honest, in a polite and diplomatic way of course, just so that we don't have to siphon through the bullshit to know whether these folks can get along well or not.
 
Aussie guy was incredibly uncomplicated. In fact, he came across as a little bit simple-minded. But that's totally cool. He carried no agenda, no hardcore judgment, and was incredibly easygoing. And I find that I alter my personality to the person that I interact with. It's very interesting, but it's really built within me. When I get really good vibes from a person I'm talking to, I'm incredibly nice and helpful and considerate, because I think they deserve it. And I really become a fiercely loyal friend. Like my local gay friend R, he isn't typically the kind of person I would be attracted to because he is slightly femme and pretty chubby and short, but it doesn't matter at all, I fiercely defended him when English dude above told me he thought R is kinda square. I told him that R is an incredible person, who is incredibly patient, incredibly compassionate, and all round a great friend to have, other than the fact that it's a bit disturbing that he constantly tells me how he wants to get raped by a really really hunky pornstar. However, there are many times when I get really bad vibes from a person, and I just become a complete fucking asshole. The more the person I am speaking with is critical, the more critical I react towards the person. The more arrogant the person, the even more conceited I act towards him. The more of a dick the dude is, I become the biggest gigantic mofo towards him.
 
It's easy really. It's because I just don't think these people are worth my goddamn time. It's like I saw this dude on my Facebook who once posted a guido pic of him in a Vegas club wearing an oversized suit posing and hashtagging YOLO, and I commented on it saying that he looks like a clown with such an ill-fitting suit, and that he should visit a tailor. Or another time when this guy posted a status saying "Just spent $100 on a Friday night at a club...#nbd #brokenow" And I commented "that isn't even enough to buy a bottle of Veuve, try harder." Like honestly, I cannot fucking stand assholes, especially those that don't know what they're doing. And I just give them a piece of my mind, and become a bigger asshole back towards them. Some times I even make up shit to get them to back off even more. And yes, these are straight guys who just really have no clue, lmao. But to the sincerest of folks around that I meet, I am very humble, and I always try extremely hard to put myself in their shoes. I mean honestly, that's the whole thing about being gay really, you become so fearful of people 'knowing' about you, you spend a lot of time observing a lot of people, and you become really attuned to picking up nuances very quickly.
 
If I'm being a dick to someone, chances are that it's because I don't like that someone in the first place, and I become extremely antagonistic around that person. Honestly, I can't think of anyone in my life so far where I was a dick to them and then we still became friends after that. I tried once for sure, during the first few weeks of my coming out where I went to my first ever gay club in my country with my Jersey shore type of gay friend with his even more beefcake boyfriend. I hate my Jersey Shore friend, honestly. He is obsessed with his body, obsessed with becoming the biggest fucking tank in the world, and is a crazy attention whore. He also once won a sexiest blogger contest (dafuq?). We were not friends for a very long time because I flat out told him that I didn't like his personality at all, and he was so indignant someone didn't like him he kept trying to be friendly with me. I gave him a chance, but I still didn't like him, so I ended up still being a major dick to him and now we just don't talk at all. Seriously though, no loss on my end.
 
I was also at the gym yesterday and I looked around and realized that probably more than half the guys there are Muscle Marys, and everyone is just intensely checking out everyone else with leering looks. And it just made me really sad. That's not to say I wasn't intensely checking out people though, there was a really hot Indian guy and a really hot white guy too, both of whom I saw later on in the locker room, and they had amazing chests and abs. But the funny thing is I've realized that I've also somehow managed to remove the lustful part when I check guys out. Like when I check a dude out, I honestly just think "wow this guy is goodlooking," "wow, what a great body!" but that's it. It doesn't progress to "damn I want to bone that guy/suck him off." I've also really just been appreciating a lot of really good faces and bodies on Instagram, but once again in a non-horny way, and in a more like "I want to get in shape like that" way. And the gay friends I've talked to cannot understand why I have this non-sexual appreciation of the male face and body; it's like all they think about is dick and ass.
 
I don't know man. I honestly love being gay because I think men are incredibly incredibly attractive beings, but all these gay talk is depressing me. I'm going to try very hard now to be celibate, I've become a lot less desirous for a hook-up in fact; I'm now a lot more contented with just some lotion and my hand bahaha...I've realized that the initial heady proclivity I had for feeling desired and sought after by the gay scene here has almost completely died off, and I'm not allowing it to go to my head anymore. And also, I've noticed that I seriously have lost quite a bit of definition, and that my abs are disappearing now because of all the alcohol that I'm drinking. I'm going to start eating healthy, and SERIOUSLY gonna make this happen (YO DUDE SERIOUSLY keep to this okay) that I'm going to NOT BLACK OUT ANYMORE, dead serious resolution, for AT LEAST until I get back to Chicago hahaha, cos dude it's senior week and I'm allowed to become a terrible shitshow. I really need to have less reliance on alcohol and recognize that I am fully capable of socializing and making new friends while sober, and that I really, REALLY need to remember things when I go out...I'm also contemplating maybe doing abs exercises, I have never paid attention to my abs at all in my life because they've always been kinda there but now that they're disappearing I feel kinda weird and fat. Haha. Basically, I want to eat right (I want to eat less carbs they make me feel bloated), exercise, drink less, hang out less at gay bars (except I might possibly be going along with a friend who a lot of people have been suspecting might be gay, and I'm just going to talk to him more about me being openly gay to friends and etc and just yknow, be there, cos I know that's what I needed when I was still in the closet, to know an openly gay more dudely-dude friend.), hang out less with negative people, check Jackd a lot less (limit it to maybe once per week) and in general just feel good about myself. I firmly believe that if I look good for myself, I will feel good too, and isn't that what life is about really, to feel good?
 
So c'mon kid, you can do it. Keep to this for the next few months at least, until you're gonna just get stoned and shitfaced every day for senior week with some of your best buddies in life. If I keep to this resolution, I feel like I would've earned that week of hedonism. And life would be great. Wish me luck :o)

2 comments:

  1. Noooo, I will be mourning the temporary death of kenn"scene queen"do and his tales.

    But yay for teetotalism!

    -jw

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  2. Hahaa never said I would be staying off alcohol completely!! Just gonna limit it down to almost nothing since I'm really getting flabby and it sucks!!!

    And well I guess I still reverted back to my scene queen ways... :(

    ReplyDelete