Sunday, April 7, 2013

We don't sleep when the sun goes down

Hmm. My life seems to be headed in a very strange direction again. I think I'm beginning to realize once again, that the group of people that I truly like hanging out with the most, are straight guys. It's so weird how much of a "frat-bro" I am. I like getting fucked up, fucking things up, and everything else except well, fucking bitches I guess.

So on Friday I headed over to the giant hotel in my city for another hotel room party. There was a Dress Up as a Celebrity theme, but I really don't care that much for themed parties so I didn't dress up as anyone. The whole party was kinda odd to me. So the party's organized by my gay friend, and I love the guy, but like most gay people he manages to camp shit up pretty well...I don't know how I felt about the whole thing. People were dressed really over the top, this chick dressed up as Nicki Minaj and honestly looked like a drag queen. And most of the party the gay guys were dancing with the girls to J-Biebs and all that shit. And I was mostly there to just kick it and meet new people over drinks, so I didn't join in on all the shenanigans. As usual, having a gay host means that inevitably good looking guys get invited over. I was talking to this English guy, and turns out he knows my sister because they're both in the same faculty in London! Small ass world! But that's also because my sister is wildly popular...she is really beautiful so all the guys mack on her a lot haha.

Pretty much I spent my entire night speaking to English instead of Dutchie, since I tried really hard to ignore him. Dutchie wasn't very happy haha. When we got up to the infinity pool and chilled there for a bit, he came over and talked to me, and said that he's more relaxed over the last couple of days because we've been talking less, but he doesn't like it that I'm ignoring him. So I was like, okay, I'll start talking to you again. As I got progressively drunker, I pulled him away from the party and we sat outside by the elevator and I talked to him for hour. I tried to kiss him again, and he pulled away. Yeah I'm an asshole I know. Somehow this time though, it finally clicked in my head, that there really will be nothing happening between me and Dutchie. I went back to the party, English bloke asked me where I disappeared to and stuff, and he could sense there was something going on between Dutchie and me, so we went out for a smoke and I just talked to him.

I have no clue why I smoke but I guess social smoking is fine in small doses. English bloke's actually really nice, and he has really nice eyes too haha, hazel and shit. He's actually really cute so I didn't mind just talking to him the entire night. I told him about how I've only came out three months ago, and that I like Dutchie but he has a bf and is insanely faithful for a gay man, haha. English dude was really understanding and a great listener, and we just talked while looking at the crazy view and shit. Super chill. I went back into the party, talked to this attractive Kiwi, who told me that all the straights should band together since the party seems overwhelmingly full of gay guys and girls who like gay guys. I looked around and it wasn't exactly true, but all the gay dudes were dancing in the middle so I could see what he was saying. I wanted to tell him I was gay, but then bitched out because well, I liked talking to him and didn't see how it was really relevant...I probably should have told him though. He was wearing a tank and was such a frat-bro really with his beer and stuff. So a couple of us just stood by the side and just talked and everything. And this is what I really like, getting to know new people, especially the really chill kick-it kind of dudes.

English guy told me he smoked a joint in the hotel one night at another hotel room party, and I was so surprised how he managed to find doobie in my country since I thought it was like kryptonite or some shit. I went to the bathroom and found this Canadian totally wasted out of his mind leaning against the tub and I helped him sober up a lil by getting him water and stuff. We talked for a bit, and in his drunken stupor he brought up the topic of how it was strange that I was straight and taking care of him like more than a friend or something...I told him this isn't exactly relevant, but yes I'm gay. He said "oh cool that's totally cool with me..." So I've realized people are actually pretty chill with the whole gay thing really! As the night went on, Canadian was passed out on the bed, and I went over to him and we talked a lil, and he said something about how he's "some times bisexual" and so he's cool with the whole gay guy thing. I asked him if I could kiss him, and he said yeah sure why not? And so we made out for like 4 seconds. Which was pretty hot because everyone else was in the room and some people definitely saw. After that he made out with this girl for the rest of the night. He came over to me and told me "Hey I'm sorry but I'm actually a lot more straight than I am anything else, hope you understand." I told him to not sweat it, it's no biggie.

The next day though holy shit, my gay host-friend told me that the girl he was making out with was really pissed with me that night because she brought him, and they were making out in the balcony first before he came over to the bed, and she was fuming when I made out with him. !!! I immediately Facebook-messaged the chick and apologized to her, and told her that he sent me mixed signals about being "some times bisexual" lol, and she said nah it's fine, at least now she knows he's bi and wouldn't be surprised in the future, and she said she's some times bisexual too. And I said oh too I guess? Haha. It was a really awk conversation basically.

Anyway so this Indian dude and the English dude and I were talking about girlfriends and shit, and English guy shows us his girlfriend's pic and the Indian guy was like "Man sorry but not my taste." HAH! He was really drunk so he was incredibly honest, and English pretty much flipped shit. "What the fuck man that is not cool of you! I was going to show you her tits but I'm not going to anymore!" I kept pressing him to show me her tits, I had no clue why though but honestly it's kinda douchey for a bf to show his friends a picture of his gf's tits! I slept on the bed after with this Pinoy girl, Indian dude, and my gay friend, and when I joked about how I wanted to cuddle with the Pinoy girl she was like "Um please don't, I really don't know if you're entirely gay."

And this is what I've realized so far, that I've had a really easy ride on the whole coming out thing because I'm not stereotypically gay at all other than the fact I heavily heavily check cute guys out, but I've realized that many people aren't exactly convinced that I'm gay, and girls really have not dropped their "wall" or whatever, you know? Like how gay people always say that once they come out to girls, girls change in front of them, or be really touchy and everything? That hasn't happened to me at all. I tried dancing with a girl at the party (even though I hate dancing when it's not in a club - I love dancing though.) and she was so uncomfortable because she thought I was hitting on her and I said "I'm gay!!!" but it really didn't help. It's just weird...

Saturday night I drove my sister to the hospital because she had gastroenteritis, and I wanted to get my itch checked out too. I told my mom about it, and she told me I HAD to see a doctor just in case it was some STI...I told her I didn't do anything! And she's like that's what you're telling me but please be completely frank with the doc. Hahah...Oh Mother. Anyway, turns out it really is just a jock itch, he gave me some kind of topical cream and I'm a lottt better now. Probably should have seen a doc much earlier, my balls were on fire the entire day of Saturday really the itch became impossible to deal with. Sister had a jab to ease the pain, and she went home with my mom, while I headed out to my favorite gay bar again to meet my army buds.

Now I don't know why but I guess it's because my army buds and I are really good bro-friends, but it's getting a bit strange that they keep coming to gay bars with me. This time it was 4 straight dudes. We sat at a table and one of them was visibly super awkward and had this invisible "don't touch my ass" wall all around him. Heh. There weren't any cute guys around, and when I finally met one, I realized I didn't have the balls to go and talk to him because it's weird to mack on guys when your straight friends are around, and he probably didn't dare approach me too because I was in a group of 4 other obviously straight men...We eyed each other a lot though and I heard him talking and he doesn't sound gay at all, and I probably should have made a move but oh well whatever...Other than that really flamboyant guys hit on me and I was tired of it so we left to get some food and went home after that.

So I don't know how I feel about everything now. I'm getting tired of the gay scene. And I think I've almost completely friendzoned Dutchie now, like I've really lost interest and I'm realizing that maybe he's too "effeminate" for me, since he likes ballet a lot, and art and dancing with girls and stuff. And I think I want to make more broey straight friends now, to feel more in my element. It's just all so weird to me now, like I'm pretty confused as to why I'm a gay guy who's really quite different from the other gay guys that I meet. I might stop this gay clubbing thing soon because it's futile, and basically any wishful thinking of really finding a bro-boyfriend, because I doubt it's gonna happen. And I really do miss Aussie as a friend with benefits :o(

1 comment:

  1. Yeah, I think some time away and some sobriety will do you some good. What are the chances of meeting chill bro-bfs at clubs and bars anyway? There's gotta be other places where they show up.