Thursday, April 4, 2013

You were trouble when you walked in

Life has been weird again. But first, I have 2000 cumulative views on my blog! That's kinda exciting! I started this about three months ago, and man, I've come a pretty long way. Things go up and down though...

I'd just go chronologically I guess. I had dinner with Dutchie on Sunday, and it was actually really really good. We ate these: (merely stock photos from the net)

The last one is stingray btw, with loads of spicy paste on top of it. Stingray's basically a ray. Yeah,w e eat that shit. It's hard to describe how my local food tastes like, but honestly they're all amazing.

We shared a bit more about ourselves with each other, about our family, friends, etc. Then we had ice cream, and I sent him home. Before he got out, he gave me a handshake, but like the kind where you grab the guy's hand to do a bro-one handed hug? Know what I'm talking about? And we lingered for a bit, it was kinda strange. He thanked me for dinner after that, and I drove home. I texted our mutual friend after that, and I told him that I could tell, that the more I'm hanging out with Dutchie, the more he's convincing himself that we should just remain as friends. My friend told me that he once waved to Dutchie while crossing paths along the hallway at school, but Dutchie didn't notice him because he was smiling at his phone texting, and my friend knew that Dutchie was texting me. My heart kinda sank after talking to my friend.

Tuesday night I met up with the rugby player from my high school who tried to hit on me on Jackd because he couldn't recognize me. Before going though, there was a team dinner at a pretty fancy Chinese restaurant, and I wasn't feeling very happy because I was texting Dutchie back and forth. There was a bottle of Macallan that a colleague brought, so I started just drinking quite a bit at dinner. I told the Dutchie a lil bit about hanging out with the Aussie, and I cheekily asked him if he was jealous when I talked about him. He said he used to be fucking jealous, especially the first time when I bailed on him to hang with the Aussie instead, but now he isn't anymore. And we got on talking, and it basically led to the conclusion that he's really unsure about how he feels about me. And that just tells me that he doesn't like me, yknow. I left the dinner early to take the train to meet my friend, and I called Dutchie and we just kinda thrashed it out. I told him that "affairs of the heart" (I know, real sappy shit right there) are really not that complicated, and if he's so uncertain about how he feels about me, it's pretty clear he doesn't like me enough. He said yes, that the more we hang out, there are more areas of me that he realizes he doesn't really like. Like my drinking habits. I told him that he was just rationalizing this all, coming up with excuses really, and that he probably never even liked me for me in the first place, and that I was just a convenient excuse for him to think about where he stands with his bf, since I'm a new face and everything. He said maybe that's true. Yeah, that fucking hurt. He also told me that he still cares deeply for his bf. I told him that this is all I really need to know, and I hung up.

At the bar, I was just fuming at first. Why was I being so incredibly stupid, making myself vulnerable to a guy that is in a relationship? It really sucks when you realize that your feelings for someone is unrequited. I told him we'll just be friends, and then I didn't text him anymore after that. My rugby friend with me was telling me to calm down, and so we ordered our drinks. The place was pretty cool, completely hidden and pretentious and the usual. Bartender was pretty cute, there was also a couple beside me. I don't even remember what we really talked about because all I could think about was Dutchie, but I didn't really have fun with the rugby dude. However, I did get a free drink from the couple beside me. He came over and talked to me, telling me that I should see the bartender as a psychologist and tell him my troubles and he'll fix a drink to fix that. Haha. So he bought me an old-fashioned bourbon, and it was delicious. Dude's from Michigan, and his wife's from Missouri, so we all bonded over being in the Midwest and stuff for a bit. Bartender spoke to us too, from the Bay Area, and after a while he spoke of his fiance and I was like dangit, not gay. Haha. Turns out the Michigan dude is one of the owners of the bar, and so my free drink was from the owner! Madness. This is one of the hottest new bars in my country so that was pretty cool. He really liked talking to me, both he and his wife gave me their namecards and after that he told me to email him because I'm a "good soul" and he wants to stay in contact. That made me feel a lot better. The other dude who sat beside us apparently owns another bar somewhere else too, so I was just meeting bar owners the entire night and that was awesome.

As I still felt like drinking, I told my rugby friend to head over to my favorite gay bar and drank more. I went out for a smoke (I don't even smoke...but I have a pack of cigs and a lighter in my backpack left behind by a bud before) because I felt like having one, and I unbuttoned my shirt cos it was really hot out. My rugby friend started getting fresh with me. I was like, wtf?? He slipped his hands and tried to rub my chest and shit, and I was like wtf are you doing dude. He said "just horsing around." When we left, we were walking on the street and he just unbuttons all of my buttons, even though I was resisting and everything. Then he started touching my abs and he ACTUALLY tried to touch my dick but I pushed him away real hard and told him to fucking quit that shit. I was kinda drunk by then so I was really confused, so I got a cab and went back home. He texted me telling me to relax and he said he was just playing with me, but I definitely did not feel that way, especially when he knows I was really vulnerable cos I talked to him about Dutchie and everything. What a dick dude! I'm not hanging out with him anymore. Just because we're all gay doesn't give you the right to get fresh with me w t f

I came back home really late that night, and the next day I felt like death at work. Then I had shit to do, my immediate boss told me I wasn't doing what she wanted me to do, so I started panicking and I called my mom. She started going off on all tangents about weird shit like office politics, and so I hung up on her cos she wasn't helping me, and then my dad calls me and tells me that I have to "wake up" and start doing real work and stop being an embarrassment. And I started just crashing again. I went to the bathroom and just cried and cried like every time I'm in a bad place. What can one do, when your dad is the CEO of a 400 million dollar company? Fail, really. Fail at everything in life. He doesn't get it that I'm not him. I'm not him at all, no matter how similar I am to him, I am vastly different. I picked myself up, went to have a chat with the big boss as to what was needed of me, and he explained it a lot better, and now I should be good to go.

My brother came back last night as a "surprise" and everyone was really happy to see him. I came down, hugged him, caught up with him for a bit, and then went back up and crashed. I wasn't really friendly so I'm trying to make it up to my brother now by getting us all to go for happy hour drinks and oysters tonight. I'd see how it goes, but honestly, I have this tendency to freak out about things, and make things sound a lot worse than they actually are, and I usually fall back on my parents to just console me and tell me that everything's gonna be fine. But then they lecture me for all kinds of shit about how I'm not treating life seriously, and it just depresses me even more that they think I'm such a failure all the time. I really need to leave my family for a bit, it really is one of the biggest sources of stress in my life.

In other news, I don't know if I caught something from Aussie but my entire groin and anal area are itching so, so goddamn much. I'm really afraid I got crabs but I don't think so cos I don't see any "eggs" or whatever. Last night I got really pissed that I've been itching for days so I took an old toothbrush and just scratched the hell out of my groin, balls, and everything. Lol. Then I slapped on some kind of strange Chinese scalding cream thing and oddly today I feel slightly better. But I can't help but feel that God is punishing me for being sexually Dude give me a goddamn break I didn't even have sex! Gah.

Also, I'm getting annoyed with the peeps at work. They make gay jokes all the time. Like they'd joke about something and be like, "Woah...didn't know you swung that way man! So many weirdos at work..." and I really feel like telling them to stop it because it's offensive to me as a gay person but I really don't know how people would react though. It's kinda like a fraternity, because my team's basically 4 or 5 guys in their late twenties who basically make misogynistic and gay jokes all the time. So I've really just been avoiding eating lunch with them, and have been eating by myself. I don't really mind it actually.

Also, I've not gone to the gym for two weeks now and I feel like a slob. I just haven't had time cos I've been hanging with the Aussie and I've been mopey and tired this week. My face is also breaking out and I look terrible now...yes yes, I'm being vain and shallow. I'm gonna go to a dermatologist this Saturday to get some cortisol injections for my cystic acne, lol. I also have a hotel room party tomorrow but I'm still thinking about whether I should go cos Dutchie's gonna be there. I told Dutchie about my groin itch, and all my sexcapades with the Aussie and he's fuming mad at me for telling him all that. Haha. There. I made things easier for us. I was really being so stupid the entire time.

Also, Instagram get with the program! I've only followed cute dudes so far so your popular page needs to learn user habits and only show me hot guys!


  1. Congrats on the 2000 views!
    Aww boy troubles, :)

    1. Thanks dude! 2000 isn't a lot but still feels pretty good :D

      And yeahhhh boy troubles :( blehh