There has been other stuff that has been going on in my life which are mostly :D to me which I'll update another time, but something happened last night which has gotten me feeling a lil :/
I'm in Hong Kong now, and after having a great dinner + drinks with my gym rat friend who asked me a million questions about homosexuality after I came out to him, I decided to go to a gay bar alone slightly inebriated. When I got there I was really disappointed because the recommendations that I got from all the dudes from Jack'd was the bar that I've been to last year with my gay friend when I was still a "straight guy" back then. I got in and it was the worst. What is wrong with me? I keep going to gay bars even though I hate them. I think the only reason is that I am addicted to the attention. I walked around the tiny establishment twice, and quickly came to the conclusion there was absolutely no one hot at all. The bartender was really hot though; he was wearing a loose tank top that you could see some side boob and nip slip action going on - damn! Turned me on like crazy because dude is muscular as hell. He even took his shirt off to pose with some of the patrons, I melted haha.
As I walked around, this short little man starts caressing my arm, and starts to follow me. I was a little annoyed at first, because he was being very creepy by just touching my arms and following me while not saying a word. He finally turns me around and asks me where I was going, and I said I was checking out if there were any cute guys. Basically, we then talk for a bit by the bar while I hardly listened to him since I was just ogling the bartender. Because I was ogling the bartender a lot, this guy remarked to me, "Oh...you must like white guys a lot." Seriously? No, I just like hot guys, just because I check out one hot white guy doesn't mean that I'm only into whites. There was a pretty cute Asian guy in the bathroom and I took a sneak peek at his goods hahaha (the urinals are so close together!!) and man I was impressed, but he left really hurriedly and looked really drunk so I didn't manage to talk to him.
Back to this guy. He is what felt like a foot shorter than me (I'm not tall at all I'm like 5'8.5" but it blows my mind how much shorter some people are!), Filipino, mid-thirties, wore a fucking newsboy cap (he might have been bald), and just kept going on and on about how he thinks I'm really cute. I don't really enjoy the attention I get from unattractive people, to be very blunt. After a while he starts feeling up my chest, and playing with my nipples, and I started getting a lil turned on because I was kinda horny from the alcohol. He tells me he wants to kiss me, and I say no, and he asks why, and I say because I'm leaving soon...yeah weird answer.
Anyway, he somehow managed to convince me to go down to 7-11 with him to get a pack of cigs, after that he pleaded with me to go to the park with him. Like literally, he begged me. And this is the part where I feel really guilty now thinking back to the whole thing. I really despised him. I thought he was pathetic and desperate, and the way he was pleading to suck me off was just revolting. But for some reason, I still let him. We were in a dark alleyway, and he unbuttons my pants and starts wolfing down my cock like some kind of hungry animal. I felt this strange power over him, and I strangely didn't mind that this whole thing was incredibly sketchy. I wasn't even turned on at all by him, but honestly though, anyone who rubs my nipples gets me really hard easily cuz I just loveee nipple play. I didn't even touch him, or look him in the face, and I sure as hell turned down every single time he tried to kiss me. I don't even remember his face, only his stupid hat.
In that moment, he represented everything that I despised about gay culture. The senseless cruising for dirty unromantic sex, the stop-gap measure way of living, part of an entirely lowlife section of the population that I look down on. But I just stood there, grabbing his shoulders and face-fucking him really hard, and I liked how I basically dominated him, and punishing him like he was a lil bitch, and I kept telling him things like, "yeah you like that don't you, you dirty bastard" "I'm gonna cum now, don't you dare make a mess when I cum in your mouth, I don't want it all over my pants" and this is the first time I've cummed from oral. He continued sucking me and gagging as I shot into his mouth, and I started feeling really gross, because he spat it out and still continued to suck my dick, and I was like, fuck dude this guy is completely disgusting. I also shuddered at the thought of the taste of my own cum, which I've licked like once before and shit is nasty, but I just wanted him to fucking taste it and hate it.
I've been sucked off a lot more than I've sucked someone off. So far in my life, I've only sucked Aussie guy off multiple times, and the Italian asshole in London who stole my phone. I really do want to give someone a blowjob, but dude really needs to be hot enough or for me to be drunk enough I guess.
He took a piss in some corner and told me to wait up for him because he wanted to come back to my place, but as his back was facing me, I bolted and took a cab back home. What a disgusting creature, why would I let him back into my place?
I'm not perfect at all, and I write whatever I feel. I do feel incredibly guilty about the way that I acted, and the thought processes in my head, but that was really how I felt back then, and so I feel like I need to pen them down and reflect on them.