Thursday, May 16, 2013

Dearest S

I was right. I was a complete mess at the airport last night. In the car on our way Dutchie was already crying. I told him not to. We had dinner, and I was being ambitious and tried to get him to eat even more of the local cuisine, crabs and whatnot, and we ended up not having a lot of time left. I started panicking, because I was stupid and now we didn’t have time to properly say goodbye, and we went to a corner and just hugged and cried. Sobbed really. My heart ached so much. Everyone at the airport was staring at me because I was just crying non-stop.

I’m pretty sure I really loved this kid. I came back home, cried to my mom, hugged her really tight, looked through all the images that we shared to each other on Whatsapp and Line, and I cried even more.

I really wished that things could have worked out between us. S was definitely the first “the one” in my life. I’m sorry that my blog has become really uninteresting as of late. I truly wish S all the best.

This is a letter I gave to him before he flew off:

Dearest S,

I've actually written this on my iPhone over the last couple of days, trying to think about what to say, or how and when to give this to you. It's not a very long letter really, but just some thoughts I guess that I wanted to pen down.

S, I don't know how to express to you how much you've meant to me over the last two months. It's mind-blowing really, thinking that it has only been two months. I started out this year completely in shambles. If you knew me before I met you, you would have been really shocked at how different I was. February was a time of anti-depressants and me coming out to the wrong group of friends. I was close to cloistering myself up under the impression that I was not going to meet anybody out there that I could connect with. I was severely depressed and disenchanted, but something clicked along the way when my mom told me that she felt very helpless when she saw me having a panic attack. I decided to branch out and make new friends instead, and that was when I decided to meet up with H, and through her I met R.

I owe R so much actually, because it was through him that I took my first step of getting myself up on my feet again and went to my first hotel room party. I will never forget that moment when I first saw you really, eating your box of chicken rice like a dainty princess in your multi-colored checkered shirt. As cliché as this sounds, you were really like a beacon of hope for me, that I was able to connect with someone out there.

It cannot just be mere coincidence that the day I decided to stop wallowing in self-pity was basically the minute that I met you. And you know me, I am an open book, and really I've had so many fond memories with you. There were definitely ups and downs, but through you, I learned a lot about myself, and through you, I aimed to better myself as a person. There are definitely still issues that I have that I need to clean up; but overall, you've really had a positive impact on my life.

I'll look back fondly at all the hawker centers we went to, at how I was trying to give you a slightly off-the-beaten-track taste of the local sights and cuisine. Sorry we never really did anything that fancy, especially since I know that you're a snobbish one. But I know that you probably didn't have much exposure to local cuisine what with hanging out with the exchange students, and so I just wanted to make your time here a more fulfilling one, given the limited amount of time I had with work and you with school and leaving in May.

Thank you S really, for the last few days. I have not felt this close to a person for a long time. You have become such a good friend of mine. I hope you had a good time. You do know that all I ever wanted was for you to be happy, that's why I constantly check in on you to see if you're having a good time. I hope you also had fun what with all the wildly cheeky things that I've done. Honest to God, I've never felt this motivated to be this playful before, hahaha.

You know how I am a highly emotional person and that I cry really easily. I don't know if I'll cry when I send you off at the airport but I wish that I wouldn't because I wouldn't want you to cry too. You'll still be happy back in the Dam and thus you shouldn't be crying at all, because exciting things are happening when you get back home. I might visit you if our schedules permit, or if well...you know, if other things permit too. If not, I'll see you some time in the future S. It might be as distant as forty years from now, but do remember my Dumbledore promise to you though. I really do mean it :)

Wishing you with all the cheekiest luck in the world,

Yours always,

K

(P.S. These are the lyrics to Future of Forestry - You

You are a promise
You are a song
Smooth like a waterfall
A sea in the calm

You are the summer
You are the sun
You are the desert plain
Where the wild horses run

I want you to know you’re the first thought
I want you to know the grace you’re made of
I want you to feel that you’re my dear oh oh
And I want you to know..

Deep as a valley
Sweet as a stream
Dark as a storm cloud
And bright as a dream

You are the summer
You are the sun
You are the desert plain
Where the wild horses run

I want you to know you’re the first thought
I want you to know the grace you’re made of
I want you to feel that you’re my dear oh oh
And I want you to know..

I want you to know you’re the first thought
I want you to know the grace you’re made of
I want you to feel that you’re my dear oh oh
I want you to know..

2 comments:

  1. Bittersweet, I hope you guys stay in contact. One day you will meet again.

    ReplyDelete
  2. thanks man. i sincerely hope so too.

    ReplyDelete