Things have still been on a rollercoaster ride with S. Leading up to this week he has told me he isn't sure if he has feelings for his bf, and that he couldn't bring himself to kiss him. Two days ago, he messaged me that he had something to tell me to be honest with me, and that he can't type it out without crying. He then FaceTimed me crying and sobbing so hard, saying that he realizes he still has feelings for his bf after hanging out for the 5th/6th time, and that maybe he shouldn't lead me on. I calmed him down and said that it was a long established fact that he's so torn because he loves us both. The only finality is which one he loves more. He started smiling, and after a while things got okay, and I asked him what he wanted to do, and he said he wanted to FaceTime as much as possible, even if I didn't want to. I said okay.
The next day I forgot to bring my phone to work, and when I got back, I realized that he was panicking because I didn't say good morning to him, and my last seen at on Whatsapp was before I left for work. He ended up FB messaging my sister and two of my other friends, asking them if they have heard from me, as he was concerned and worried. I smiled a lot, and told him it showed him something. We talked a lot after.
Then I used a sticker on Line, with a girl riding a giraffe. It's a running joke between us that he's the girl and that he's riding a giant dick. He laughed when I sent him that and he said, "Sometimes I really do need dick." I said "Do you not get enough?"
He said "I do, but not much."
Turns out he has been fucking his boyfriend ever since he went back to the Dam, and he told me it "felt good but it didn't feel right." I told him what did I do to deserve so much hurt and suffering from him, and yet for some reason I still soldier on? He apologized and said he should have been honest with me earlier, and I said no, I didn't need to know that at all.
I cried today, and talked to one of my really good girl friends back in college. I am going to tell him that I need some space from him to reassess what do I want from this, and that he has been unfair to me and selfish so far to think that he is being open with me when he is doing nothing but hurting me. I have absolutely no clue why he is so torn between us, because it really should be simple. It is so self-righteous of him to constantly criticize how much I log on to Jack'd and how I love checking out cute guys on Instagram/real life, and yet he's so horny he just fucks his boyfriend when he's still torn between the two of us. I'm done with his immaturity; this was really the final straw. I need to take back control of the situation, instead of letting him wrap his fingers around me. After taking a break from him for some days, I plan to give him an ultimatum and not to drag it on anymore, and that if he chooses to go to China with his bf in July, I wish him all the luck cos it's birdflu fucking nation and I hope he dies from it. Okay, won't say the last part. If after our break he tells me that he's going to be with his bf, I will tell him that I've already thought about it and that he doesn't even deserve to be with me, for he is weak and cowardly.
Johnny Depp has a quote: "If you love two people at the same time, choose the second. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second." He will be awake soon, and I'm going to calmly tell him the first half of what I wrote. I deserve way more than this. I need to believe that. I deserve way more than this. I deserve someone who loves me back.