What's cookin' homies
So. My entries are really long because I basically just talk about my entire life, I hope that's okay.
Anyway I have no idea where I get the energy really, but honestly I think I only live for the weekends. Is that a good or a bad thing? No clue. Tuesday night I went to a hoity-toity club, a gay club, a gay bar, Wednesday was a holiday, Thursday I wanted to go up to a helipad party, but due to weather conditions they closed it (what a bunch of lies) so I ended up just chilling in a 72nd-floor bar. Friday I went out to a gay bar again, and tonight I am going out to a Japanese-themed club and mayyyybe even a gay bar after I haven't decided.
But yeah seriously though. I just love meeting new people. I draw a lot of energy from meeting new people. I also love music, and I love dancing. I have to say it has been a while that I have danced sober, but I've really grown very comfortable with myself I let myself go and just dance however I want, which actually I realize, looks fucking sexual. Hahahah. Like, I love slowly thrusting my body forwards and backwards and then slowly kinda go round...it's weird when I describe it that way, but yeah basically, Dutchie tells me that I dance like a male stripper at a high-end club. Hahaha.
So yeah anyway, Thursday the original plan was to go up to an actual helipad, and party with like 300 other people up on the roof. Met up with Dutchie for dinner, we had awesome thin-crust pizzas, like seriously so delicious it's making me hungry just writing about it! He wore a really gay ensemble as usual, I am gonna include a few of the pictures of shit he wears lol:
He's gonna kill me if he ever finds this blog. But yeah, look at the sheer amount of floral! It's adorable how freakin' flamboyant his dress style is, and yet he is so un-flamboyant and most of the time pretty stoic, especially when he wears clothes like that to a gay bar. We go over to the helipad, but it was closed, so we chill by the bar instead, and we meet up with two of our mutual girl friends, and this pompadour Polish guy, who was wearing a thin peacoat...in my tropical little island. After speaking two sentences with him, I knew immediately that he's gay. We start talking a bit about how alcohol is really cheap in Europe, he tells me in Poland it's like 70 cents for a shot or something, I'm like, wow okay how are people not dead, and then he leaves early to go to some couch-surfing congregation dinner meeting thing, and he tells me to maybe pop by some time (they go every Thursday). This guy is kinda femme, but not to an intolerable level, plus he's pretty cute. I completely forgot his Polish name though...but nvm, I'll ask my girl friend to help link us up if I decide to check it out. I love meeting new people so why not man.
When I told the girl that he's gay, she's like wait...really? She sorta guessed but wasn't sure. Oh honey. Sorry that all the guys you think are attractive are gay, hahaha...We join a coupla other friends, and then the beat drops and the DJ goes wild yo, and I look over and it's this chick DJ who I remember from before, because she's really pretty, in a typical "I'm hot but I'm vacant" kind of way. She was really bored by her songs...but they were great. Totally my type of jam. I dance a bit, and start doing my lil stripper routine and everyone's like wuhh?? Hahaha... Dutchie and I spot a couple of cougars, and I told him "yo I have mad game with cougars,...and silver foxes I guess ugh" so he dared me to go up and chat them up and get us free drinks. I chickened out in the end though because as the lights hit their faces I realized these bitches had whacked Botox jobs and shit, shit was kinda creepy!!! AAAHHHH.
Anyway that was really it. I went home at like, 1am-ish, completely sober, and went to work the next day feeling kinda shitty. Sobriety in a straight club is interesting, watching how the men swoop in and encircle girls, it's really like observing a safari of animals in a natural habitat.
On Friday I got to work, and realized that my bitch of a boss took the day off. Hell YEAHH??? I just completely checked out dude. I didn't do any shit at all, except check up on all the hotties on Instagram, spoke to a coupla people on Jackd, and went for a three-hour lunch break. I have been getting cystic acne again, and so I once again went to a dermatologist to get cortisol injections...Woman gave me 4-5 jabs at one redonkulously large subcutaneous acne, it hurt like a mofo bitch and I couldn't really move my face cuz it felt so bruised. Called Dutchie cos he said he was out shopping (for the above clothes), so I drove down, picked him up and showed him my workplace and we ate at a steakhouse.
He kept trying to make me laugh because he had a good laugh looking at me struggling to not make any facial expressions. Then I told him how someone on Jackd that was talking to me told me how he thinks I'm a fatfuck now, since I told him I haven't been drinking much because I feel like I'm getting a belly and also because I haven't been going to the gym the last few weeks. And for some reason I just completely crumbled. I have no idea why I am so terribly insecure about my physical appearance. I had to get rid of my acne immediately because I did not like staring at it in the mirror. And I've realized also, I only feel good about myself if I can convince myself that I look good, i.e. I need to go to the gym on scheduled gym days, and I need to get a tan over the weekend. If anything goes off schedule, like if the sun's total shit over the weekend and I start getting pasty, I get really dissatisfied with how I look, and prefer not to go out and meet new people.
I took this picture in the gym on Thursday when I only had 25 minutes at the gym because I had to work overtime, and Dutchie was gonna give me shit if I were late for dinner. I have been getting a buildup of fat around my obliques, and it fucking annoys me. It's crazy really. I'm not obsessed with my physical appearance to the point that I spend hours styling my hair, or a really strict workout routine where I grunt and flex in the mirror all the time, but I am easily punctured when I think I don't look the way that I'm used to. I recognize that this is completely unhealthy to think this way. So I didn't even go around meeting new people because I hated that I had such a short time at the gym, and compounded with that jerk from Jackd thinking it was funny to be so snarky and shit, I just felt really shitty on Friday. I don't know why I think this way at all. I know that there is so much more to life than shallow physical appearances, and I know that there is so much more to me than those Jersey Shore gym rats or vacant male models, but I can't get myself to do anything to change my unhealthy low self-esteem. I don't even really do all this for other people, I really do this because I feel that if I don't look a certain way, or get my body to be a certain way, I will not feel confident about myself. It's really hard to let this go, I don't know why.
Not sure if I posted this before, but yeah I recorded this a while back. Rihanna really did it right.
I'll write about navigating a gay bar sober in my next entry, along with whatever happens tonight I guess. Peace y'all.