Saturday, June 29, 2013

Previous entry wasn't complete;

I was at the airport and wanted to write everything out but had to rush off for the plane in the end. So I wrote this on my phone in the plane instead, which btw, was delayed for 2.5 hours because United sucks fucking donkey cock. 

I really need to start treating myself better. And I need to stop acting so bratty. My recent entries have been very bratty and stupid. I know that now. And I really need to start believing in myself, and slowly let go of all my insecurities to become less self absorbed and more empathic of the people around me. In the heat of the moment I threw caution to the wind, and trusted a stranger for reasons I cannot fathom, and put myself at insurmountable risk. 

Chronologically, my last few days at NYC were great. First I met up with my incredibly cute and sexually ambiguous (all the guys tell me he's straight but the girls are doubtful) college friend for tacos at his place, and I just liked looking at him talk. Such a handsome man really! He wore dorky white socks and boat shoes and I was thinking how horribly Midwestern he was dressed. He has a slight lisp when he talks, which might be an indicator that he's gay, but it isn't very noticeable (or maybe I just want to notice it). I wanted to meet up with him again but never got the chance to cos he lives in Brooklyn and I didn't have the chance to venture across the tunnel so yeah. 

I also attended my dad's NYC office opening function where loads of attorneys were around. Luke's lobster rolls, free flow of alcohol, and endless mindless small talk that I was great at making, and it was a really fun event. I also met up with this leggy girl friend of mine, where I was at her apartment and we smoked a couple joints in her balcony, reconnecting and just talking about the future. She told me she guessed that I was gay because I never hit on her at all. Sounds pretty self absorbed but if you're a straight Asian male and you lay your eyes on this girl, you'll basically feel obligated to hit on her hardcore. She's very pretty and tall! Like 5'9", skinny, long wavy hair. 

After that though things got a bit strange since I went to a gay bar myself hoping to get lucky but nope. I felt horrible as to why people didn't want to hook up with me. So as I was walking home I checked in on grindr (I'm getting really good at picking up free wifi) and this old dude messages me, and he was kind of near, so for some horny reason I decided I will let this 43 year old creeper suck me off in his apartment. He was pretty good, and he swallowed my load, but he kept trying to kiss me or fuck me and I rejected each time even in my baked state of mind. 

Btw, I'm leaving out all the wholesome parts that I spent with my family. All these happen late at night after everyone's asleep, where I basically tell them I was gonna meet up with friends which wasn't completely a lie. Hah. 

My last day in NYC went really well too. I woke up to a message from a 23 year old decent-looking half black guy from Jackd, and he was working nearby and was up for dropping by my hotel for a bit. He unlocked his pics and my god I knew that I needed to have some of that, if you know what I mean. The hotel that I was staying at is actually really nice, so the bathrooms on the second floor were pretty exquisite so it felt less sketchy when we went into a stall that basically had a sink and everything in it too. We were awkward, but not that bad really. He went down on me first and ran his hands up and down my body and I went wild. We made out for a bit, then I unbuttoned his pants and I went down on him too. Honestly, I love sucking dick. I don't know why I do, but I just do. Especially deep throating. I tried to take his pretty thick schlong down completely, and ended up getting all teary eyed from gagging. It was a pretty glorious dick. He had a good body too, real nice pecs. I maybe sucked on him for like 3 minutes only, till the cleaning lady came in and he freaked and got soft and so we left. 

Then I tried reconnecting with this 27 year old dude who I really wanted to hook up with because he had a fucking fucking great body along with a glorious penis, but it didn't happen. After brunch, I went with my sister to meet her friends at Central Park where we rented bikes. There was a very funny moment when one of the girl twins turned to me and whispered "omg look!" And I looked at where she was pointing and I said what am I supposed to look at? And she said "they're so hot!" And I realized she was checking out these leggy blond model chicks by a bench. And I replied a very nonchalant "oh," which got her going to my sister and asking her if I was gay, because I had no reaction. Hilarious really. And then after she knew, we started talking about the really cute half Japanese half Brazilian bike rental guy together.

I then watched Kinky Boots, which was so incredibly heartwarming though cliche, and I was thinking a lot about what the message behind the play was and that was to accept people for who they are. So far I have found it extremely difficult to accept my overprotective parents, my demanding and unhelpfully non-mentoring boss, the "local" culture of my countrymen who I deem as narrow-minded and ignorant, and the feminine gay men I meet whenever I am really horny to hook up. For my work situation, I am determined to quit. It is really a wrong fit, and I am unable to use my talents to properly contribute to the future of the firm. For my parents, I have decided to share less with them, and let them not worry about me so much, given that I am 24. For the gay men I meet at clubs, well...seriously though, I still don't get why many gay men are "sissy." It will forever be a mystery to me. Can someone explain this to me? 

For the thing about my country, I think I'm fine with it. I'm not going to hate on them anymore, but neither am I going to try and make myself like them either. It'll just be the same way I deal with drag queens, I'll just smile and accept that this is the way of life for them. Because really who am I to judge? Some times, these "simple minded" folk might even be happier than me. 

After that I headed off to a gay club alone which had a pride kick off underwear party event. I only had one drink there because honestly I wasn't there to drink but to drool. Two of the dancers were fucking hot. The rest weren't my type (i.e. feminine). One of them was this dark haired guy with an incredible body, and he knew I was checking him out a lot so he winked at me and touched himself a couple times. He teased a lot by lowering his underwear so I could see his pubes and his buttcrack, and honestly oh god my heart was beating like it was on FIRE bro. I went up to talk to him after he took a break and he was real friendly and patted me on the back and we exchanged names and shook hands. I asked him if he was straight and he said yes. I knew it, I always only ever find straight guys fucking fucking hot. Honestly I thought about asking him if I could make out with him, but I just talked to him about normal stuff like how he's Brazilian and from NJ, and it was his first night performing in a gay club and he liked it. He was super chill. After that, I did something I've never done before and took a dollar bill out and slid it down his briefs. He looked at me and said "hey man what's up!!" And smiled a fucking cheeky smile while I grabbed his dick and felt his pubes. Fuck. I was so so hungry for dick basically. I went around the club scouting for dudes, loads were all in underwear only and had great bodies but were basically muscle marys, until I met this Hispanic guy who seemed a bit uptight but had a cute face and an incredible chest. We talked a bit, he's from Mexico, and after he got a drink at the bar, we made out for a bit. It wasn't a lot because after that he told me he felt guilty because he wasn't supposed to be out but he and the guy he's dating had a fight and so he was here. I was like oh, okay, welllll I still win lolol. At least I got to snog a cutie. I also realize I am incredibly attracted to Latinos, I love their skin tone and their facial features. 

These are some photos I took at the club. Dude in the black underwear is the Brazilian hottie I was talking about. I will remember him for a while ;) unbelievably unnnfff and sexy. 





Then I ran home cos I'm terrified of getting robbed in NYC so each time I go out I basically run 15 blocks home which is pretty good exercise. I was sweating when I decided to check up on grindr again, and this 28 year old white guy at Grand Central messages me asking if I wanted to have some fun since he was horny. I agreed since he looked really handsome, and so he also came over to my hotel bathroom, same stall, and when I went there to meet him, he was really attractive. Kind of pudgy, but a really good face. He told me he works in the restaurant business, and just got out of a long day of work and was thus incredibly horny. I smiled. He was very manly, I wouldn't have guessed he was gay at all. We started making out, he went down on me first, and he really slobbered up my cock. I facefucked him a bit, and then went down on him. Great dick really, very thick. I gagged a lot too, and after a while he got really horny and suggested we 69 on the floor. He laughed a little saying he has never done something like this but he was just super turned on. This is my first 69. It's actually very cool to thrust my hips while bobbing my head at the same time. Does that make sense? Hahaha. I actually took his dick up in my mouth for so long that I actually threw up a lil in my mouth. Omfg. That was so gross. I immediately pretended nothing happened but I couldn't suck his dick anymore in case I ACTUALLY vom which would have been fucking gross. He loved sucking me and went on for a very long time and I quietly moaned a lil. Then he ate my ass out for a bit, and told me I have an incredible ass and asked if he could fuck me. I said no. He asked if he could just tease my ass by putting his cock around it and I said sure. He started rolling his eyes back in sheer ecstasy, and it turned me on a lot. Then he went in a little. At first I winced and said hey, stop. And he said only just a little. And somehow I was okay with that. He asked me how it felt, and I kind of gave him a "hmm it's okay" look. Then he spat a bit and rubbed it on his cock and in my ass and then he told me "I'm going in" and for some reason it didn't cross my mind that it was dangerous that we were doing this without a condom. This was because I never thought I was going to be bottoming that night, and he was incredibly friendly and seemed like a trustable fellow. Obviously, I should never trust people on grindr in the future. He did tell me he was clean though, and he asked me too and I said I was too and I somehow trusted him too. 

It was a very strange disarming sensation when he went inside me. It didn't feel that bad, in fact when he slowly thrusted in and out it felt good. He was wanking me off and we were making out too, and he asked me to bounce on it and I told him I couldn't cos I imagined it would hurt. So everything was very slow. It also lasted for barely 2-3 minutes since I almost came when he sucked me off when we were 69ing already. I shot a huge load all over his stomach, and then he took his dick out and asked if he could cum on my asshole and I said no. So he came on himself and we lay there laughing a little at what just happened. He told me not to do this too often in the future, although he was glad we shared such a fun moment. He said he didn't do stuff like that often too. After that we cleaned ourselves up, shook hands, and said bye. I went back up, showered, cleaned my ass with soap, and went to bed.

It was only the next day when I talked to a fellow blogger about this that I realized the gravity of the situation. That I barebacked and put myself at risk of getting infected. I started freaking out, and did a bit of research online about this, and started crying. 

I am wondering if I should get myself tested. A friend told me he barebacked once too and nothing happened but he never did it again. The guy didn't cum in me, nor do I think there was much precum since I basically sucked him up dry after I kind of threw up a bit on his dick omfggross. The whole thing also lasted for 3 minutes, and also it wasn't rough at all since I told him I wouldn't be able to take it rough anyway. So I think my chances are pretty low. I haven't been able to ask him when he was last tested since he hasn't logged on to Grindr for more than a day...The fellow blogger also told me that the first time a person gets exposed to HIV the body usually fights it off, but after that he becomes immunocompromised and risk of infection gets higher with each unprotected sex encounter. Because of this, I don't think it is necessary for me to do a PEP. 

I swear to never do this again though. I was incredibly stupid. Never again. 

I would also like to address the comments.

I completely agree with whatever everyone wrote. I have done volunteer work, and I was part of a social change group on campus during college that I was very active in for all three years. I think back when I was in the closet, I had a strong empathy for everyone who was marginalized, because I had to hide a part of myself that I couldn't help. I have volunteered in Uganda for 8 weeks, I have volunteered at old folks' homes, special schools for elementary kids, etc. In fact, after being part of the social change group in college, I brought up a potential idea with my parents of me working with an NGO for a few years after graduation. They obviously sniped the idea down immediately. I remember how in Uganda I would get so terribly sexed up, that on weekends when I went down to the Internet cafe in the town two hours away from the village I was at, I would pre-load dozens of gay porn videos to watch back in my room, and I felt guilty about it after. Back then watching gay porn made me feel very guilty about myself, and I always somehow tried to compensate for that by helping others.

Now it seems that after coming out, I have made everything just about me. This is definitely a personality change that I did not know was going to happen. I have begun getting a bit hypocritical, tired of some of my closeted gay friends when I was in their position before. Porn also no longer seems an option to calm my horny tits down, as now I rather seek an actual person to jack me off, which led me to make poor decisions e.g. 40 year old creeper. I have taken for granted the overwhelming acceptance that my friends have given me, and do not feel marginalized at all as a gay person, which has given me a false sense of self-righteousness. I abhor this way of thinking. I have to stop this. 

I think things are looking up though. It has been 6 months since I first came out. I think after a full year of being an out gay man, I would be a lot surer of myself. And I believe that it will happen.

On to other things. It is London gay pride weekend, and I had no clue that June and July were months of all the gay prides around the world. That's awesome. However, my flight got delayed cos American airlines truly truly are incompetent, and hence I missed it too. Which means I have missed gay prides of Chicago, NYC, and London so far. Wtf. At least I will be going out tonight, with a very effeminate gay friend from Berlin (I have nothing against effeminate guys as friends, only sexually not attracted to them), and he's a wild child so I'm sure we would be hitting up some nice gay clubs. Hopefully will be able to see someone as hot as Brazilian dancer above. Will ONLY drink one drink, as drunkenness brings out the worst in me. I wouldn't mind smoking some joints though, I loveeee getting high and I miss it. 

I am extremely fortunate! My whole life has been very smooth-sailing really, and I need to stop being such a whiny lil bitch and man up and take charge of my brain, my dick, and oh yeah my body damnnnn I need ta hit the gym I have been slacking

Londontown for Gay Pride

Dear beloved readers,

I made a terrible mistake. I cried today at Rockefeller realizing how stupid and careless I was. I know I have been so weird lately. I have learned my lesson.

I will never bottom bareback ever again.

Friday, June 28, 2013

Not a real entry

Firstly, I want to thank all those who commented on my previous post (I wrote it when I was stoned). I'll share my thoughts on it in the next entry, probably when I'm back in London.

I know it's late (5 a.m.), but I just want to preface this by saying that I am not and was not drunk at all, but my last day in NYC has been completely wild. And fun.

Basically, I sucked two dicks, gave a dollar to a fucking hot male go-go dancer and felt his dick up, made out with three guys, and bottomed for the first time in my life.

Oh and of course I did other wholesome activities too like have lunch with my family, and bike around Central Park, watched Kinky Boots which was terrific (although it's a toss-up between that and Book of Mormons), and had Shake Shack again which tasted more awesome this time.

I actually quite enjoyed bottoming. Yes, feeding to the stereotype, Asian bottom twink, welp.

Cya guys in London soon. Imma crash now. Fucking beat dude, my ass also feels funny.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

is it normal?

Is it normal behavior to know how flawed one's thinking is, and yet being unable to pinpoint exactly how to rectify it, and thus find it obstinately difficult to do anything about it? Everything is so abstract in my head; I form large cumulonimbus clouds of seething thoughts all around me, and I introspect and quietly nibble at them.

I really just don't get it. I don't get it at all. Why do some people not see how fucking awesome I am, with the some people specifically referring to gay people and my coworkers? My friends all do - the ladies, the straight men, and the one gay pal. They think I've got my whole life fucking sorted; young, rich, and attractive - what would he ever need to be sad about? Done. Sorted! Booyah. Cowabunga brosefs.

Why am I such a paradox? Is my overconfidence a defense mechanism that I use to protect myself from rejection? Why do I seek validation so much from people that matter very little to me, and take for granted those that matter so much?

Also, why is NYC so fucking, fucking, assaultingly putrid everywhere I go? Why are there so much less hot guys here than in Chicago? Why can't I just be a Stakhanovite at work? Why do I constantly see in my mind's eye, my boss' shittyass face judging me? Why have I not booked my eurohostels? Why are so many gay people so feminine?

Why are so many gay people so feminine? Why? Or is it just that all the femmes come out to gay bars?

I am TERRIBLY frustrated at all the hours that I've wasted on Jack'd, with all the fucking buildups and all the fucking letdowns. I NEED to have a healthy sex life, goddammit I do.

I've always believed that everything would work out for me, eventually. I've always managed to scrape through every single thing in life, and manage to waddle through the higher echelons of the academic ladder. I know that I am going to be terribly successful in the future, but I've really just been hoping that one day it will just 'click' in my head, and I'll just know what my calling is, and how I can use my fucking huge brain to milk that cash cow and yet love every single fucking thing about my career.

I don't think I need to think hard about my life. I think the problem is that I think about thinking too much, and I can't just think about things, I spend way too much time thinking about how I can think about things, and writing convoluted sentences like this that end up adding no value in the end.

Shake Shack is not all that at all. Five guys is horribly similar. Good night.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Retail therapy, and Jack'd meetups


Wait. Bahaha. I'm such a gay guy. I bought four pairs of shoes today. I LOVE SHOES. I CAN'T HELP IT. Ferragamo, Coach, and 2 Cole Haans. Each are stunningly made, and so, so comfortable. Man. I wanted to buy a Jack Spade duffel bag too, but I was thinking that I've probably spent way too much money already... (used up my entire bonus)

I also bought a regular Polo polo, a Polo tee, and two Zara floral print shirts. Fuckyeahfloral. I am becoming a lot more adventurous with the way I dress now. Not exactly gayer, but just a lot more colors.

I feel a lot better today actually. Mostly because I felt like I had a purpose - a purpose to buy shit. Most days I feel lost without a purpose. I would rather be a porpoise.

My sister and I have patched things up. She is extremely judgmental of others, for she is extremely rational, ambitious, and stubborn. She just graduated as the top 7% with first class honors in her law faculty, and she's going to be a cutthroat lawyer soon, and she thinks everyone's just like her. I guess I'm a lot less sure about myself.

I really like NYC so far. I do prefer the architecture of Chicago though. There is plenty of eye-candy in both cities though.

So...I met up with a 28-year-old Japanese guy who stayed in my hotel last night. It's weird cos I kinda lied to my family (they're with me!) that I was going to the gym, but uhm yeah I met up with a dude from Jack'd. We went out to the balcony, chatted for like an hour, and then I went back to my room. He's some consultant working in Boston or something...whatever. Lol. He was manly for sure, but totally uninteresting, and also not exactly very cute.

Tonight I met up with this 21-year-old Chinese dude who looked really cute in his profile picture. When I saw him though I was immediately very disappointed. He was extremely, extremely flamboyant. Like, full-on hands gesticulating everywhere and the stereotypical nasal voice. It was also very creepy because he told me I looked familiar, and then asked if I went to [my actual college], and then asked me if I know [my really good girl friend who I cried with at the club two nights ago], and turns out they both were from the same hometown, and he sees pictures of me uploaded by her all the time. He also told me that we met once two years ago when he was just leaving and I just joined my friend at Michigan Avenue and he even described the mall we were at and the store that was around us and I was like, motherfucking hell bro ctfd!!!

We then chatted for like an hour and a half. He was easy to talk to, but I just couldn't get over how snarky he was about meeting other men on Jack'd. I also felt really odd because he was quite a toned tall dude but he was incredibly effeminate. The good thing was that I basically have zero expectations about meeting guys now, and I wasn't sad or pissed. In fact I told him we could go to a gay club together tomorrow, cos I wanna check out the hot dudes there and it'll be nice to have a friend. For sure not hooking up with him though, he is way way way too feminine.

And I've been thinking really, who actually likes feminine guys? It seems like no one does, and yet it seems like everyone's feminine. One of the friends of my really good girl friend told me that she already knew I was gay before she met me, but found it hard to believe because I didn't act like any other gay guys she knew, and she said she knew more than 20 gay people because her school's like super liberal or some shit. And it kinda depressed me. I was at Chinatown today and I saw these two fratty dudes and I honestly think they were a couple because one guy was slightly more femme than the other in the way that his shorts were really short, and he kinda did a bit of the typical chest-out butt-out thing that bottoms do (hehehe I'm being mean), but I got kinda jealous of them because they're 1) hot 2) dudely. Oh well. It didn't really bother me that much, they were more eye-candy than anything.

Basically, my point is, I think now that I've again kind of let go on how I feel about S, I'm feeling a bit just...like I don't want to look for love. Or rather, I'm not thinking about it. I'm thinking more about just hooking up with dudes really. I mean I'm young and always horny, but I honestly really only just like blowjobs and whenever I tell people on Jack'd I'm not into anal, the conversation ends there. Damn son. I have like no clue if there are people like me that exists out there, guys that just want to have fun with guys that are like guys but don't do anal.

Basically, my point also is, I'm fucking horny. And it's weird, because my family is with me, but I just cannot, cannot stop checking out all the incredibly cute straight guys around NYC. I'm sooo attracted to straight guys, ugh, if only there was a potion to turn them gay hehehe.

Fuck. Still haven't talked about cute Thai boy yet. He has a 7.5" inch weiner, or at least he told me that, but I never got to see it. He told me that after he grabbed my dick and said, "I am bigger than you" in his strange Thai accent and I was like o_O, rude. He didn't even get hard at all even when we were making out and he was aggressively grabbing at my pecs and shit! It was so weird. He was also slightly femme, but not too bad, and had a cute smile, and bought me drinks :) He was super adamant on meeting up with me though, and I asked him why, and he said I'm different, because I'm the first guy that didn't want to meet up with him initially! Wahaha. Too bad he met a potato queen :P He's honestly super cute though, I didn't regret meeting up with him.

After that though, there was some white dude that came over and talked to me, and for some reason I told him I thought he was cute, and we started making out, like in front of the Thai guy. He was super cool about it though, but teased me for being a "too horny boy." Like he literally said "You are too horny boy!" Lol. Adorable broken English. AND THEN he pushed me to his other fatter Thai friend, who grabbed my dick, and wanted me to go home with him, and he tried to fuck me in the stairwell and I said no, and then I turned around and realized his dick was bleeding (frenum tore) and I freaked the fuck out, got home, cried, washed my shirt cos he wiped the blood off on my shirt, and I washed my butt for like forever. He didn't go into me though, so I don't think I got anything from him but the initial shock of the blood on the wall and on my shirt seriously scared the fuck out of me. I am no longer going to put myself in such a dangerous situation ever again. I wasn't even drunk, I was just going with the flow cos I thought it was funny that I was in a stairwell and some dude wanted to fuck me even though I said no. I guess the truth is though, I went with it cos he was interested in me, and I just liked the validation.

I feel like I'm really picky when it's online on Jack'd, but in person if someone tells me I'm cute, I usually just go with it. It's fucking bad really. But I'm mouth-hungry and I just fucking want to make out all the time. It's weird. It's also weird that I've only met up with Asians. Guess I'm not that much of a potato queen after all

Monday, June 24, 2013

Uneasiness

Uneasiness - that about sums up how I've been feeling lately. I had a talk with my mom and she said she noticed that I've been a lot less confident in myself ever since junior year, when I got into this rigorous program of my school. She's right. 

I really need to truly start believing in myself. But many times I feel like there is nothing about myself to feel confident about. I just graduated from one of the best universities in the world, and yet I somehow don't really see that as an achievement. Overall I always seem to feel inadequate.

The week back in Chicago was extremely bittersweet. It went by so painfully fast, and I am extremely regretful that I got blacked out drunk the last night I was with my friends and ended up having to be dragged into a cab at 1 am... I didn't manage to meet up with a lot of people too. Everyone was crying at the club Saturday night, one of my best girl friends ran off for a while shouting to me, "I can't! I just can't do this!" It was really sad :(

Graduation was great though. Speeches were so inspiring. My gown is an incredibly handsome color. Everyone looked so fucking good that day, smiling faces brimming with optimism for the future. I was momentarily happy. But it felt odd to me too, I didn't know what the fuss was just because I merely "survived" something.

My parents were so proud of me though. Even my sister was too. They took a lot of pictures of me with my diploma. I went to the graduation ceremony for my program too, of only 40 students, and my dad told me that he was so proud and that I should have told him how big a deal this program was. But the program really started making me feel so unsure about myself, because everyone else in the program is going on to work in the top investment banks or the top consulting firms in the country. And here am I, completely uncertain about what I want to do in my life.

I think I am going to quit my job after my rotation to the property management division in a retail mall for 3 months. It is not for me. I am utterly uninspired. I need to be in a multinational company with vibrant young people around me with positive energy to keep me up. My sister attacked me at dinner one day and I got really depressed after that, that I sat down by the curb and started crying in front of my mom. She told me that I am very needy, and that I can't seem to be alone and always have to be around friends or making new friends. She told me other hurtful things too. I'm not sure why I'm so emotionally vulnerable. 

But I really do need to constantly surround myself with people with positive energy to keep myself going on these days. I feel like once I can figure out the career part of my life, I should be a lot surer of myself. My mom told me my brother used to look up to me so much for being so confident and being so good at talking to people. She told me this after we all met up with my dad's really wealthy Chicago friend, and I was really good at keeping the conversation going. 

In other news, I met up with the Thai guy in Chicago and he was cute. Made out with three guys that night woops, and pretty sure all 3 sucked me off in the bathroom. I'll tell the story another day, it ended really badly though :(

Chicago boys btw, are fucking hot. They're all fratty and muscly and shit, hot damn.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

mangz

"mangz, like dude, totally, yo, yeah, like, uhh..."

Lmao. I'm back at school and wow. I did such inane college things, not even in like a fun way. I went to a house party and oh god so much needless small talk I had to do, I essentially said nothing important to people for about an hour and I felt thoroughly awkward throughout!! After that I said ok fuck this shit, I'm just gonna hang with the two people I actually wanna talk to and ignore everyone else. It's like nobody likes silence, and has to just constantly yammer...it's weird.
There were a lot of gay guys at the house party, but all of them were a bit more on the feminine side, including one guy who vehemently says he is straight. I also saw this dude whose dick I grabbed once when walking home with (he was the gay cowboy from halloween two years ago) and holy shit he became such a hippie, with ridiculously ripped jeans, an ugly soiled tee and long hair and unkempt beard. Motherfucking hell!!! Yikes bro!

Went out to a bar sort of down-town (where the baseball stadium is), I felt like a mini celebrity lol. I met so many people in college I realized. Everyone kept saying I look better and more mature now which is awesome the gymming has paid off sooo much, fuck yeah! Men git at me yo! Other than that though, I had no fun at all. 3.50$ tequila shots, 3.50$ jack and coke...whatever. Shitty bar with a shitty name, and badly dressed people everywhere.

Being back in college is honestly weird. But I think I made the best of it, even though I only spent three years here. I made such amazing friends. But I really wished that some of my friends were classier. We went to have buffalo wings at a really shitty bar again...35cent wings. No. But I guess it's understandable that college kids are cheap...but seriously guys we are seniors many of you are gonna become consultants or lawyers...

Also, been a while since I've been hanging with girls again. I've been getting so good with telling people I'm gay. Basically all I do is ask them what was the biggest thing that happened to them in the year, and they say something about their job, or a relationship (a friend got married w t f), and then they ask me back the question, and I say oh I came out to my family and it's been great so far. And everyone's like slightly taken back but super supportive and everything goes back to normal after a "Shit! Good for you! Aww I'm so proud" and then bam.

Then two of the girls came over to my old swanky apartment rooftop pool, we checked out the hot dudes there and the girls were lolling hard at how #nofilter I am now that I'm out and proud (I was talking to them about how it isn't easy to give a blowjob...HEHEHE) then my best Indian friend came along and he started asking me questions "fuck my inhibitions I wanna know how you hook up with a dude" and it was all cool.

I also came out to my ex-roommate and he was cool about it. He told me he suspected it in the past, because I've a room to myself (he shares it with our other roomie) and I've never brought a girl home before.

Today I went to a nice rooftop bar with a firepit in the middle of the table with my "ex-girlfriend," my awesome travelbuddy friend (she went to Shanghai and Hong Kong with me), and my whiny straight consultant friend, and I was very awkward talking about boys in front of my "ex-girlfriend," even though she was totally cool. I went to the bathroom after and told the other two to stop grilling me about boys because I felt weird since I used to hookup with the "ex-girlfriend." I showed her a picture of this Thai guy that wanted to meet up with me but I let it fizzle out and she was like, "yo you should meet him!!! He's cute!!" It was really weird...

I sent her home after that and hugged her goodnight, and we talked about going to a yacht together and going for lunch downtown tmr, and it was just all very confusing because I feel myself being attracted to the girl again, but in a strangely more-than-friends but definitely-less-than-sexual way. But I like how slender she is, and how her hair falls so nicely down her shoulders, and how she's so accommodating and cool, I almost feel guilty that I'm gay and we're not going out.

There is nothing on the boy front, I've messaged all the hot dudes in my area, a few messaged back, many creepy old white guys have also been messaging me, but nothing's really gonna happen. Also I find myself missing S again...

Dad's coming down tomorrow, so I'm happy that after a booze trolley that we're doing (which should be really fun), I'm gonna be moving downtown to a hotel. Also, I gotta remember to collect my cap & gown. Shall put a reminder now.

Because this post is entirely stupid, I shall just put up some pictures of dudes I think are super hot:

Mariano Di Vaio is so fucken hot!!! 
Kevin Baker used to do porn...this also is my Whatsapp group icon with my army buds, I didn't pick it
Dude has way too many tatts but no one can deny that Maximilian Silberman looks incredibly sexy
This guy, Kike Gil, is seriously self-obsessed but what a face and what a bod!!
I do not know who this is but I follow him on Instagram and Latinos are basically mad hot (Angel Huerta)
Think this guy is probably half-Asian, TJ Hogue
Daniel Henney is the hottest half-Asian ever

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Chicago soon!

I'm at Heathrow right now, and gonna be boarding for Chicago soon. I spent a full day in London yesterday, and I have to tell you, it's so different being in London happy than depressed like how I was the last time I came here to study abroad.

London boys are so, so, fucking gorgeous. Omfg? Granted, most of the dudes I saw were probably tourists, but they were incredibly cute. And some were just so fucking handsome. I was heavily checking out so many people when I was walking on the streets. My mom told me that my eyes were so clearly roving everywhere...lol fuck got called out by my mom that's embarrassing.

I also bought some new smashing shorts. I've upped the ante, under the heavy influence of S of course...I bought shorts with prints. It looks fucking amazing. From H&M. Awesome possum. Also bought my first ever tank, now that I'm not as scrawny as before. So ready for the beach. Bitch of a sister told me my arms are still too skinny for a tank....what a ho hahaha haterz gonna hate!!!

Went out for drinks last night with a friend at a gay watering hole, kinda cool, but all the hot boys there were straight though :( Then went with my friend from college (she studied abroad here for a full year) to some club that played shitty uber-chill "post-dubstep moody soundscapes" according to some hipster prick I was talking to outside of the club. My friend's from San Fran, she's awesome but she's way too hispter for me, I couldn't take the music I faked being too jetlagged to function and bounced. After coming out to her she also asked me if I've ever tried dressing drag :O I'm like, nuh-uh sista

Dude. So pumped for Chicago. Senior week's gonna be awesome. Think it's pretty obvious which school I go to since graduation is so much later than most other colleges. Gonna try and sleep on the plane later it's gonna be hard because it's United (generally I dislike American airlines because they really suck balls) (I flew Singapore Airlines business to London!)

Boarding now!!! Cya later fools!

Friday, June 14, 2013

Blistering barnacles


My last few days at work were really bad, since I got blindsided with some kind of performance review and was told to make a cashflow + results presentation for a pipeline asset and I was like, uhm. I have no clue. I got ripped apart, and I got snarky during the reprimanding and said things I shouldn't have said. Then I got sad because they made it sound like I learned nothing in 3 months and was gonna jet off for a 5 week holiday that I didn't deserve (the only reason why I pulled this off is because the CIO and my dad are friends so he gave me the go-ahed) and I started missing S...:o(

I made amends today and apologized to the two managers (who are like my buddies) and they basically told me that I need to kind of "act" like I'm really into this shit by staying back later than my boss, and coming in earlier, or asking a shit ton of questions. I forgot the Asian way of doing things, but asking questions? That's so not possible when my boss says she's always "approachable" and there isn't any "hierarchy" but then denigrates me to the level of vermin when I don't know what's going on. 

This is why I should find my own jobs instead of relying on my dad, things become way too complicated. I've learned a bit working for a local company so far, but honestly, I need to either eventually move to an MNC, or move to another country. I prefer the first option, as I actually really do like my country in many ways. 

I have been wracking my brains trying to figure out where to travel to in Europe. I kind of feel like I probably should have chosen to do a US grad trip instead, in the West Coast, because it'll be much easier to decide really, plus I'll have plenty friends to visit in their hometowns. But then again...doesn't sound as exciting as my potential plans of visiting Lisbon, Sintra, Porto, and maybe even Seville, Granada, and Malaga. It's so hard planning the cheapest route, balancing bus/train/plane and everything and I'm about to just say fuck it! I also packed a bit of my suitcase last night and damn I realize S was right, I do have very boring clothes...I'm bringing a white tee and a white polo, a purple tee and a purple polo, a red tee and a red polo...Everything I have are made of only the very basic of colors with no patterns and shit. Now that I don't care about being labeled as gay I'm gonna be buying clothes that have a lil more design to them, like patterned shorts and shirts. I always tend to keep things basic, but floral stuff would be nice for the summer. Shall buy 'em when I get to Chicago/NYC/London.

I'm really excited for Lisbon's gay parties. Holy shit, Portuguese men?? Hell fucken yeah baby! Hehehe.

Holy shit. Team secretary just sent out an email to the team:

"Dear All,

[kenn-do] is on leave from 17 June to 19 July.

[My boss] is on leave on 17 June & 24 June.

[My other boss] is on leave on 24 June.

Thanks."

O_O I worked 10 weeks and took 5 weeks off. Seriously, how am I supposed to survive in the real world? I have way too many firstworldproblems

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Thursday thoughts

Hey man, hope everyone's good. I've actually long passed the 5.5k pageview mark on my blog, these little mounds of accomplishments make me smile. I do notice some new readers who tear through my old entries, much like how I did when I first chanced upon blogs of similar guys going through their coming out phases. These blogs form some kind of inner sanctum I guess, a quiet microcosm of sprawling thoughts and meandering guesses and second guesses, steps-forward and steps-backward, in what goes on in the head of a young newly out gay man.

There is hardly any advice I can give to people out there reading this. Taking stock of my five months so far since I wrote my first entry here and told my first person ever, I realize I have changed so much. I am a lot more at ease with myself now. I used to walk around looking down at the ground quite a lot, now I ignore all the girls (except the head-turners) and check out all the dudes. Part of this confidence definitely comes also from working out, since I was always very shy about how scrawny I was. 

I'm also closer than ever to my parents. Sure we fight a lot, but now I share so many more things with them. I'm also closer than ever to my friends. I am almost 100% positive that so far the 25-ish people that I've told has not divulged my "secret" to anyone else, although each one of them acknowledges the fact that it's not really a secret per se, since there is nothing to be ashamed about. It's just none of their business really to talk about me. 

There is so much in life to look forward to, like action movies, Olympic divers in Speedos, and watching Animal Planet while stoned. Sure, if your job sucks, half your life sucks, but the other half doesn't necessarily have to suck too. And sure, I've met so many ups and downs this year, especially with the rollercoaster on-off undefined romance with S, but I've learned how to surround myself with positive energy, I learned how to love, how to let go (this one was obviously a motherfucking bitch to learn), how to pick myself up and how to slowly become a better and more confident person. I'm bad with this whole talking about how I've taken for granted how awesome my life is so far kind of shit, but I hope you get my drift, that I think it'll probably turn out okay for you too.

I don't know why I wrote all that, because maybe if you're reading this, your life's already sorted out. But I still kinda want to write this all out. I was so afraid the world would reject me the moment I told the world that I'm gay. But what I've realized is, I don't have to tell the world. I only need to tell my close friends, or friends that I know are open-minded about stuff like this. And the world hasn't rejected me since I've told myself and others that I'm gay. The fortunate thing about people like me are, I guess, is that we aren't stereotypically gay. So I go about most of my life with most of the people around me assuming that I'm straight. And I'm fine with it. Sure, the occasional faggot jokes (like my coworkers dissing each other) kinda piss me off, but whatever really. I'm pretty sure soon I'll get even more comfortable with myself to actually say something when someone cracks a faggot joke and be like "HAH! THAT'S FUNNY, COS I'M ACTUALLY A FAGGOT TOO!" and enjoy the awkward silence. So far, only one dude has not talked to me after I told him about myself. He's this really hardcore Christian dude from my Recruit Training days in the army. No loss really, I hardly talk to him anyway. 

On to other things. I was totally propositioned by some dude in the steam room after I went to the gym during lunch break. He first put his leg up on the bench, and I could almostttt see his package, but the steam kinda made it hard to see anything. I kept throwing furtive glances. Then he walked over to my side, and I could see that he had a hard-on. I was so turned on. He kept doing provocative stretches, like stretching his arms above his head and I could see his abs tighten and the treasure trail to his pulsating dick was incredibly inviting. I took one glance at his face and then never looked at it again hahahaa, man the dude was not attractive. But he had the body of an Asian god. He came over to my side again, his back facing me, and he took his towel off and I could see his whole butt and I got hard. Hahaha. Then he started wriggling his toe up against mine, and I kinda reciprocated, and then he sat down right beside me, spread his legs open and grazed his leg against mine. I was about to reach over and just grab his dick since I was so horny by then, but this dude came in, and the guy bitched out and left immediately. I was gutted. GUTTED. Yeah. I can use British slang too. What bollocks really!!! Dude's body was incredibly hot and drool-worthy hrrrrngggghhhhh

I really like checking out dudes at the gym. I don't see any harm in it. I don't do it long enough for people to think I'm creepy, and most of the time I make it look like I'm trying to look at their form and the exercises that they're doing while pretending to be a blustering gym noob tryna mimic the exercises and stuff. But dayyum, I am beginning to like checking out butts. There is just something so squeezable about them?? Idk dude. I've never thought much about butts but ass is getting me riled up these days. I still think buttholes are nasty though.

One of my best friends, the first guy I ever came out to, is gonna leave for India next Tuesday to start with his new job at an investment bank. Guy is nuts to wanna work in India but I'm going to miss him, even though I haven't seen him much since the missus has stolen him from the wolfpack, but I'll be having dinner with him tonight so yeah. I'll miss that fool. 

ALSO, ANYONE IN NU YAWK WANNA MEET UP? Hehehehe it'll be fun, I promiseeee

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Motherfucking king of my own cheeky land

WHAT IS UP FOOLS???

Holy moley. Soooo I'm not sure if it's because I'm still in denial or what but I'm surprisingly rapidly efficient at moving on-ish!! I think once I hit the acceptance stage (which took wayyy too long because S never gave me a straight answer), I've come to terms that I had a wonderful two months with him, and I would do it all over again, except for the wishful thinking that anything long-term could have come out from that. There are still pangs that I feel here and there about whether I'll be able to feel like that about someone else again, and whether I would get hurt again, but in general I have accepted that I still find him really adorable (his campy antics), he likes me, I like him more, but we're just not meant to be. And it's fine. 

Because I'm awesome. No kidding. Yeah except for humility maybe, but I'm slowly getting back to being my old cheeky self (I actually haven't had any horny thoughts for the past week...). I feel great, brimming with optimism, looking forward to my trip, including my as of yet unbooked Eurotrip. Yesterday I was still crying in the office and stuff, but today I'm totally cool. Maybe it's because I'm Asian and am just so motherfucking efficient at everything, but yeah, I think I'm good!! With that being said though I'm still not going to contact him for a while for sure, it might pick at old scabs and shit. Also, it would be entirely disrespectful to the bf. I feel kinda bad for him that I came in and screwed shit up.

I had a great lunch with my coworkers today, getting the usual crap from the other dudes (my nickname at work is Loki, or Puny, apparently cos this Asian-American coworker of mine's like 60 lbs heavier than me and says he can bench me and thus called me "puny god" after he saw me at the gym cos it reminded him of this:



W T F fucking insulting as balls but funny too lmao wait till they see me with my shirt off those mofuckasss!!!) taking jabs at them too etc..I'm glad I'm able to joke around again! It's all dudes too so it's real chill, only person I don't talk to is my boss cos she a woman...I really don't like women except my mom and my sister and some times I can't even tolerate them.

To be honest, while I'm excited to be back to school for commencement, I'm a little worried too. I'm not really a big fan of the Midwest; in fact I feel like I should have studied abroad for a full year instead. People are generally very nice, but not very worldly. There's a very apparent small-town element to most of the people I've met from there. It's just culturally different for me I suppose. NYC would be a lot more at home for me. Plus my dad's company's opening an office there so there's gonna be a bigass opening cocktail party! Huzzah!

Still cracking my head over what I should exactly do to travel in Europe. Given how late I'm booking my tickets, maybe I should just really ignore the cost and go for the most convenient mode i.e. train, but after a quick search it seems like it'll cost me about 450 euros for London-Berlin-Cologne-London phoooeeeyyyy

Also, I'm having second thoughts about going to a gay pride parade?? What if I end up completely hating it?? What do I do then since I'll be going alone?? But I guess there are other things to see in Cologne? But I have heard Berlinites (what do you call em) tell me that Cologne is like the ghetto slums...erps

I'm slowly getting better each day! I'm happy! I still kind of wish that Dutchie and I actually made out more, or that I could have lost my virginity card to him (talking about buttsex btw, like me doing him) but of course that didn't and shouldn't have happened, but it would have been wild. 

It's also gonna be nuts going back to Chicago and telling everyone that ohayimgay but I figure I've already told most friends my grade (the juniors I haven't, but they're not gonna be around for senior week anyway) so it ain't gonna be that bad. I told another one of my friends over the weekend actually and he was like "idk if you're serious or not but if you are i have mad respect" etc. etc. and I let him read my coming out email and it's all very normal and cool I love straight guys seriously they're so uncomplicated and they know that me liking dick isn't gonna affect them, until religion comes in and fucks up their minds of course

Monday, June 10, 2013

Moving forward


I think I've finally reached the acceptance stage. Everything still stings a bit, but it'll pass. I woke up in the middle of the night too, but it'll pass. 

I've also gotten back on my antidepressants too. Just for precaution's sake I guess. I've also taken steps to move forward now. I have deleted him off from Facebook, untagged all our photos together, deleted him off my contact list, Whatsapp, and Line. This is necessary for me to be able to forget the pain and move on, but I know that I'll not really be able to truly forget him completely. Hopefully in the future I will just be able to remember him with fondness, and accept the fact that we had it so good while it lasted. 

I have learned a couple things from this experience for sure. The first one is that I should never ever get myself emotionally involved right from the get-go with anyone who is attached, no matter how the person may describe the relationship to be extremely rocky. The person will usually find reasons to rekindle the flames with his partner, and thus the only person who will get hurt in the end is me, nobody else. The second that I've learned is that I am truly capable of being almost selfless, which is amazing to know of, for I have always thought that I was a cold-hearted person in an invory tower. The third that I've learned is that I am not necessarily looking for a bromo; S was actually pretty obviously gay, for he had many feminine characteristics, and a shit ton more girl friends than guy friends. I used to think that I would never be attracted to any guy remotely feminine, so now I know that I am wrong. When I was with him too, I wasn't embarrassed to be around a skinny guy wearing floral pants and a deep V-neck. It was okay. 

I have also removed my Jack'd notifications, and have resolved to not check it until I get to Chicago on the 16th (yes, less than a week!) where I might meet new guys. However, I am going to be very cautious about this, for I know that in this period I will compare every guy to S, and it wouldn't help me forget about the pain. In fact it may be best if I just don't think about guys for now. So, I might just not check Jack'd at all even in Chicago, for it is going to be pointless anyway since I am now based back in Asia. Instead, I will focus on catching up with my friends and generally just having fun with them. 

I will also finally book my Eurotrip tickets. It is a bit unfortunate that I would have to travel by myself, but I think I'll manage. For now, I will be in Chicago from the 16th-22nd of June, NYC June 23-28, then London for the 29th (to get myself adjusted), then I plan to book my tickets for Copenhagen (30-2), Berlin (Jul 3-6), and Cologne (7-9). There is a gay pride parade called Christopher Street Day in Cologne on the 7th, and I really want to check it out. I'm getting a lot more open-minded about being seen in these gay establishments or events, which is a good step forward. This does not necessarily mean that I enjoy being "in the scene" though. After the 9th, I plan to visit my best friend from college in Paris (she goes to school there), and hopefully we'll also be able to travel to Lisbon together (she's unsure yet because of budget constraints). As I leave back to the motherland on the 20th, I plan to leave the last week for London to visit R (who would be studying abroad there), D (my straight but open-minded rugby friend who moved to London recently), and H (my tall cute British straight friend who hopefully I'll be able to get some bud from). 

Also, this is my last week of work before going off on my 5 week trip, and I plan to be a lot more focused (I regularly took hour breaks spontaneously to FaceTime S or to call on friends when I was crying), because I know my boss has noticed my disappearances. 

I will also continue to hit the gym and look good to feel good. I measured myself last week again:

May 29th:

Weight: 64.2 kg
Fat Mass: 11.9 kg
Fat %: 18.5%
Muscle Mass: 49.6 kg

Jun 7th:
Weight: 64.2 kg
Fat Mass: 11.1 kg
Fat %: 17.3%
Muscle Mass: 50.3 kg

Not bad at all. I've been cutting down the amount of carbs that I'm eating so I think that has been helping too. I realize going to the gym regularly really does make me feel better. 

It isn't going to be easy, this whole thing though. I went with my mom to my grandmother's 81st birthday yesterday at this buffet lunch, but my mom didn't tell me where it was. Turns out it was at the hotel lobby of the hotel where I attended my first hotel suite party where I met him. A wave of emotions hit me as I sat there and looked up at the rows of doors of hotel rooms, visions of him and I talking by the balcony resurfacing in my head again, and I had to leave the lunch early. 

I haven't really had my last big cry. I've gone through most of the 5 stages in different orders though, but I think I am close to the last two now. I am trying to become less dependent on my phone, as I used to talk to him almost every single minute of the day. I am also not pinning any negativity on to him, because it'll only make me despair even more, and in all honesty, he is not a bad person at all. He didn't cheat - he was incredibly resolute in not hooking up with me, or extending anything beyond just holding hands. He also was very honest with his bf about me, which is why his bf gave him an ultimatum anyway. In fact, he is some times too righteous, and looked down on anyone who didn't share his moral values, which is something that I really respected in a gay world that seems bereft of it.

I wished him well and told him that I hope he will make incredible film (he's a film major) and that hopefully some day I will be able to see one of his films. Then I said my last "nite nite S" to him last night. It was heartbreaking, but it is unfair to me if I am always there for him and he isn't. It is time to really start looking forward to brighter and better things. 

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Day 0


I was going to make a cover of this song, and send it to him. That was before he told me he has made up his mind. I guess people who stray tend to stay with their partners in the end.

I'm trying very hard to pick up the pieces. I decided to be the better man and we FaceTimed for the last time, and I told him that if E makes him happy, then I'm happy for him. He told me to lash out at him and be angry, and I told him I'm not angry at all. He's my first love after all, and I doubt I'll ever be able to forget him. I just have to not be affected when I'm remembering him.

I'm trying to follow these steps. How funny.

http://www.wikihow.com/Get-Over-Your-First-Love

My heart literally aches. It really does.

Saturday, June 8, 2013

finally. closure. s chose his bf. it is finally done.

Friday, June 7, 2013

Almost Lover

I have been crying again. I feel terribly alone. My family is so worried about me all the time. My mom asked me if it was worth it that over just one guy, I drag the entire family down with my negativity. My brother told me to grow up and stop acting like a kid.

No one understands that I have kept myself emotionally neutered for so long, and that everything I’m going through is what everyone else went through during their teen years.  My brother told me that I lied to him when I said that nothing about me is different, and that I’ll still be the same big brother as I was after coming out. Of course it wouldn’t matter, in the long run, but no one can give me a break that for now the very foundations that I tread on are shaky because I have never felt so intensely and powerfully in my life before, only for it all to just to disappear so suddenly and so quickly.

I need to learn to bottle my emotions once again. I have done it for 23 years of my life, I should resume that practice. My brother told me he is tired that everyone has to tiptoe around me when everyone else has problems too, and it isn’t right that I make mine the biggest out of them all. My sister broke up with her boyfriend (she initiated it – this is also her third boyfriend so far), my brother got rejected by a girl, but he has been in 4 relationships so far. Nobody gets it. 

Relationship problems are not new for them. It is entirely new for me. Don’t you get it? I am a fifteen year old. I am a baby trying to learn to walk.

It’s fine. I’m going to try and crawl back into my hole now and be devoid of all emotions. I used to be really good at it. It’s not ideal and frankly rather sad that I came out with such optimism, and my journey so far has taught me nothing but to not be earnest, because it is rarely ever requited. And really, nobody gives enough of a shit to care. So I don’t even know why I try.

I read the first few entries I wrote about Dutchie. I should have seen it coming. The player gets played. I am nothing but a tiny fish in an ocean of bastards.

I don’t know if this emotional void that I am creating for myself would mean that I will blog more, or blog less. I’ll just have to see. I feel terribly alone, in the way that nobody understands me. I need time, and yet no one wants to give me that. I have to help myself. The journey of a gay person is incredibly solitary.

You know what? To everyone who hasn’t came out, maybe you shouldn’t. Nothing feels better really. Only do when you have found a boyfriend. Because he might be the only person who can truly understand you.


I used to always like listening to this song because I've always preferred being a sad person, even though I never knew how a broken heart felt like. Now I truly and painfully understand it.

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images

You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images

And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you'd never ever forget these images, no

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Vlog #2

video

Less awkward this time round

Exploding like spiders across the stars

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow Roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars, and in the middle, you see the blue center-light pop, and everybody goes ahh..."

I'm out. S has still been fucking his bf (or rather, getting fucked, that bottoming faggot) even after I expressly said that I was depressed by him having sex with his bf. He obviously thinks nothing of me. I told him I deserve way better than him, and his bf deserves way better than him too. I told him I'm done and I don't want to talk to him again. It ended on a bad note, but it's okay. 

I feel incredibly stupid to have been played by him. This will harden my heart. I am not going to be this trusting anymore. It is very difficult to come across a decent gay guy really. A dime in a dozen. 

Some times I really feel like I'm the only bad boy who's actually a good boy around. Everyone's either a boring good boy, or a shitty bad boy. I can't tolerate mundanity, neither can I tolerate loose morals. I really want to beat him up, to fucking teach him a lesson. Maybe I just need to calm down.

I've been talking to three guys on Whatsapp, hopefully I'll be able to go out with one of them this weekend. No gay clubs, maybe gay bar, but no gay clubs. Maybe catch a movie, some shit like that. First guy's a half-white half-Chinese 21 year-old who has 2 weeks left in the army, second's a 1/4-Chinese 3/4-Indian 25 year-old working at a science research lab now before going to law school next year, and the last's a half-British half-Indonesian 26 year-old working as a process engineer with GS. I have an exotic palate when it comes to dudes, hahaha, actually wait, for anything in life really. They all seem like nice kids, especially the first guy is completely decent, the other two have been dirty-talking a lil with me but it's all cheeky fun so I kinda like it anyway. 

I realize other than the first guy I've ever hooked up with, who was Asian, subsequently everyone else was something a lil different. There was a Mexican guy in college, then an Italian in London, Aussie guy, then Dutch motherfucker S, another Australian in a Tokyo gay bar, a half-Muslim half-Chinese guy who stayed over at my place, a German guy in HK, and now hopefully one of the 3 above. There were obviously a few others in between but I was too drunk to remember them anyway. 

I can talk about my early gay experiences. So, it's no secret that I am incredibly cheeky, and pretty darn fucken bold some times, I don't really think about things, I just do them. The first penis I ever was aroused by was when I was in the sixth grade. I know, wow. It was this short dude in my class who worked out a lot, and he had all these incredible muscles for a 12 year-old. His voice also already broke, and he told me he had grown pubes. Lol. I was so turned on by him. He told me the changes in his body included plumper nipples too, and so when I had a birthday party at my place, he sat on my lap while we were surfing the web (no one else was in the room), and I put my hand under his shirt and started playing with his nipples. I got instantly hard, and it was such an odd but exhilarating sensation to me. They were incredibly plump and also because he had mad pecs, it was so nice just squeezing his chest. Then I put my hand up his shorts, and just felt around his balls and his dick for a bit. He told me he could show me his pubes, so we stood up, and he lowered his pants and I put my face real close to his dick and looked at it. He was cut, which is kinda weird for an Asian dude, but I remember being so intrigued by the whole thing. He then asked to look at mine and tell me when I'll start growing hair, but it was so awkward because I had to keep apologizing for being so hard. We never talked about this again, well actually, we just never really talked anyway. He's real short like a smurf, and devoutly Christian, and has a girlfriend and quotes Biblical phrases on Facebook all the time blahblah and I'm like whatevs bro I've played wit yo dick.

In middle school, I lusted over the swim team, or basically anyone who played sports. My school was an all-boys kinda thing, and I got so turned on by anyone who was sporty. There was a dude in my class who sat beside me, who was this attractive tall basketball player, and I don't know how it started also, but during our Mandarin classes, I would share a textbook with him because most of the time I didn't give enough of a fuck to bring my books to school. And I would lean over, and pull his shirt out of his shorts and just gently graze his torso. His nipples would become really hard, and after a while I also stuffed my hands down the back to feel his butt. After a while I got bolder and started touching his dick over his shorts. He would be fucking stiff each time I did that, and he had a big dick. I tried putting my hand in to grab it once or twice, but each time he would tell me, "hey no," and then I'll just continue touching him from the outside. And I did this right smack in the middle of class, while the teacher was yabbering on in Mandarin (maybe that's why my Mandarin is kinda shitty). I was so distracted by his erect nipples and dick every day, I really wanted to kiss his plump lips too. 

After a while though (this was ninth grade), there was another boy in my class that would always turn around and look at me and smile. He's another basketball player too, and it was funny how I got to know all these kids when I was part of the nerd gang (who incidentally 80% of them turned out to be gay, waddyaknow). We would smirk and catch stolen glances of each other during class, and after a while we started talking online a lot. We played this ridiculously stupid game (at that time it was all the rage) called Gunbound, which basically is some derivation of Worms, and we were always buddies on the same team, pwning the other team. Both of us along with this other dude would always horse around saying "pretend-gay" shit like "aww miss you honey" "love you buttercup" WEIRD SHIT LIKE THAT, but after a while it got pretty obvious that for me and this basketball dude it went beyond just regular straight guy no-homo shit. 

Then there was once in class he came over and sat beside me to do some homework together, and he had this cheeky half-smirk on his face, which was something that I've picked up from him and has since become my signature facial expression hehehe. I asked him if he had sweaty palms, and he said yes, and I said me too, and for some reason I just held his hand and it was so gross cos both our hands were clammy as fuck. But whatever, it opened the floodgates. We went to the bathroom together, and initially we just kissed. After a while though, I got hornier, and other than just kissing, I would take his shirt off and feel his fucking lean and ripped body. He had incredible pecs. I've always been attracted to muscular guys, so it's really strange I like S so much cos his body is skinny and hairy. We would make out for like....45 minutes, skipping class and just doing shit like that. To make sure that no one knew, we would leave for the bathroom with a 5 minute buffer time. No one knew at all, even after I came out and told my two childhood buddies who were in my class too, no one had a clue, because we were in wholly different social circles. 

Things went on to us jerking each other off, and I would some times leave the stall door open facing the mirror and jerking his cock. I am wildly turned on by the thrill of getting caught. He wasn't so much into it though, always panicked when I did shit like that. There was once he had to go to the hospital for a minor lymph node surgery, and so I went to visit him, and he told me to sit on his hospital bed. The nurse had her back facing us tending to the bed right beside us, and he told me to kiss him. I said, right here?? And he said, yes, I don't care if people see us. And so I kissed him. He was wearing scrubs too, so I jumped on his bed and pretended we were reading a propped up magazine together, but I was jerking his dick behind it. This dude is a big time pre-cummer and his briefs were always wet with pre-cum. This time his scrubs were all wet lawl. We got so horny that he dragged his IV thing out to the stairwell and we made out and I took his scrubs off and I blew my first guy ever there. He liked it, but after that he told me he felt weird getting a blowjob from a guy, and told me he didn't want to do it again. It was weird for me too because I was deathly afraid of tasting his pre-cum so I kept wiping it all off haha.

We got really close, talking almost every minute of the day, gushing about the cute boys on our favorite TV show the O.C. lol (he liked the blond dude Luke and I idolized Seth), but after about 4 months of playing around and getting really close both physically and emotionally, he told me he wanted to go back to dating girls. Turns out he broke up with his girlfriend and started messing around with me, but now his girlfriend wanted him back. I felt like shit.

So yes, I have a fucked up history with dating. I really need to tell myself that I deserve way better than all these people. With the first guy it was almost all lust. With S though, it was almost all emotional connection. Both ended up breaking my heart.