Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Exploding like spiders across the stars

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow Roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars, and in the middle, you see the blue center-light pop, and everybody goes ahh..."

I'm out. S has still been fucking his bf (or rather, getting fucked, that bottoming faggot) even after I expressly said that I was depressed by him having sex with his bf. He obviously thinks nothing of me. I told him I deserve way better than him, and his bf deserves way better than him too. I told him I'm done and I don't want to talk to him again. It ended on a bad note, but it's okay. 

I feel incredibly stupid to have been played by him. This will harden my heart. I am not going to be this trusting anymore. It is very difficult to come across a decent gay guy really. A dime in a dozen. 

Some times I really feel like I'm the only bad boy who's actually a good boy around. Everyone's either a boring good boy, or a shitty bad boy. I can't tolerate mundanity, neither can I tolerate loose morals. I really want to beat him up, to fucking teach him a lesson. Maybe I just need to calm down.

I've been talking to three guys on Whatsapp, hopefully I'll be able to go out with one of them this weekend. No gay clubs, maybe gay bar, but no gay clubs. Maybe catch a movie, some shit like that. First guy's a half-white half-Chinese 21 year-old who has 2 weeks left in the army, second's a 1/4-Chinese 3/4-Indian 25 year-old working at a science research lab now before going to law school next year, and the last's a half-British half-Indonesian 26 year-old working as a process engineer with GS. I have an exotic palate when it comes to dudes, hahaha, actually wait, for anything in life really. They all seem like nice kids, especially the first guy is completely decent, the other two have been dirty-talking a lil with me but it's all cheeky fun so I kinda like it anyway. 

I realize other than the first guy I've ever hooked up with, who was Asian, subsequently everyone else was something a lil different. There was a Mexican guy in college, then an Italian in London, Aussie guy, then Dutch motherfucker S, another Australian in a Tokyo gay bar, a half-Muslim half-Chinese guy who stayed over at my place, a German guy in HK, and now hopefully one of the 3 above. There were obviously a few others in between but I was too drunk to remember them anyway. 

I can talk about my early gay experiences. So, it's no secret that I am incredibly cheeky, and pretty darn fucken bold some times, I don't really think about things, I just do them. The first penis I ever was aroused by was when I was in the sixth grade. I know, wow. It was this short dude in my class who worked out a lot, and he had all these incredible muscles for a 12 year-old. His voice also already broke, and he told me he had grown pubes. Lol. I was so turned on by him. He told me the changes in his body included plumper nipples too, and so when I had a birthday party at my place, he sat on my lap while we were surfing the web (no one else was in the room), and I put my hand under his shirt and started playing with his nipples. I got instantly hard, and it was such an odd but exhilarating sensation to me. They were incredibly plump and also because he had mad pecs, it was so nice just squeezing his chest. Then I put my hand up his shorts, and just felt around his balls and his dick for a bit. He told me he could show me his pubes, so we stood up, and he lowered his pants and I put my face real close to his dick and looked at it. He was cut, which is kinda weird for an Asian dude, but I remember being so intrigued by the whole thing. He then asked to look at mine and tell me when I'll start growing hair, but it was so awkward because I had to keep apologizing for being so hard. We never talked about this again, well actually, we just never really talked anyway. He's real short like a smurf, and devoutly Christian, and has a girlfriend and quotes Biblical phrases on Facebook all the time blahblah and I'm like whatevs bro I've played wit yo dick.

In middle school, I lusted over the swim team, or basically anyone who played sports. My school was an all-boys kinda thing, and I got so turned on by anyone who was sporty. There was a dude in my class who sat beside me, who was this attractive tall basketball player, and I don't know how it started also, but during our Mandarin classes, I would share a textbook with him because most of the time I didn't give enough of a fuck to bring my books to school. And I would lean over, and pull his shirt out of his shorts and just gently graze his torso. His nipples would become really hard, and after a while I also stuffed my hands down the back to feel his butt. After a while I got bolder and started touching his dick over his shorts. He would be fucking stiff each time I did that, and he had a big dick. I tried putting my hand in to grab it once or twice, but each time he would tell me, "hey no," and then I'll just continue touching him from the outside. And I did this right smack in the middle of class, while the teacher was yabbering on in Mandarin (maybe that's why my Mandarin is kinda shitty). I was so distracted by his erect nipples and dick every day, I really wanted to kiss his plump lips too. 

After a while though (this was ninth grade), there was another boy in my class that would always turn around and look at me and smile. He's another basketball player too, and it was funny how I got to know all these kids when I was part of the nerd gang (who incidentally 80% of them turned out to be gay, waddyaknow). We would smirk and catch stolen glances of each other during class, and after a while we started talking online a lot. We played this ridiculously stupid game (at that time it was all the rage) called Gunbound, which basically is some derivation of Worms, and we were always buddies on the same team, pwning the other team. Both of us along with this other dude would always horse around saying "pretend-gay" shit like "aww miss you honey" "love you buttercup" WEIRD SHIT LIKE THAT, but after a while it got pretty obvious that for me and this basketball dude it went beyond just regular straight guy no-homo shit. 

Then there was once in class he came over and sat beside me to do some homework together, and he had this cheeky half-smirk on his face, which was something that I've picked up from him and has since become my signature facial expression hehehe. I asked him if he had sweaty palms, and he said yes, and I said me too, and for some reason I just held his hand and it was so gross cos both our hands were clammy as fuck. But whatever, it opened the floodgates. We went to the bathroom together, and initially we just kissed. After a while though, I got hornier, and other than just kissing, I would take his shirt off and feel his fucking lean and ripped body. He had incredible pecs. I've always been attracted to muscular guys, so it's really strange I like S so much cos his body is skinny and hairy. We would make out for like....45 minutes, skipping class and just doing shit like that. To make sure that no one knew, we would leave for the bathroom with a 5 minute buffer time. No one knew at all, even after I came out and told my two childhood buddies who were in my class too, no one had a clue, because we were in wholly different social circles. 

Things went on to us jerking each other off, and I would some times leave the stall door open facing the mirror and jerking his cock. I am wildly turned on by the thrill of getting caught. He wasn't so much into it though, always panicked when I did shit like that. There was once he had to go to the hospital for a minor lymph node surgery, and so I went to visit him, and he told me to sit on his hospital bed. The nurse had her back facing us tending to the bed right beside us, and he told me to kiss him. I said, right here?? And he said, yes, I don't care if people see us. And so I kissed him. He was wearing scrubs too, so I jumped on his bed and pretended we were reading a propped up magazine together, but I was jerking his dick behind it. This dude is a big time pre-cummer and his briefs were always wet with pre-cum. This time his scrubs were all wet lawl. We got so horny that he dragged his IV thing out to the stairwell and we made out and I took his scrubs off and I blew my first guy ever there. He liked it, but after that he told me he felt weird getting a blowjob from a guy, and told me he didn't want to do it again. It was weird for me too because I was deathly afraid of tasting his pre-cum so I kept wiping it all off haha.

We got really close, talking almost every minute of the day, gushing about the cute boys on our favorite TV show the O.C. lol (he liked the blond dude Luke and I idolized Seth), but after about 4 months of playing around and getting really close both physically and emotionally, he told me he wanted to go back to dating girls. Turns out he broke up with his girlfriend and started messing around with me, but now his girlfriend wanted him back. I felt like shit.

So yes, I have a fucked up history with dating. I really need to tell myself that I deserve way better than all these people. With the first guy it was almost all lust. With S though, it was almost all emotional connection. Both ended up breaking my heart. 


  1. Taking a more cynical view of dating is normal after getting burned; it's a defense mechanism. You'll be on guard to be more discerning next time you fall for someone, but you will eventually give in if he seems to be a good initial fit.

    Here's where you should think about what it is you want with the next guy, whether it really can work or are you sure you want to just have a fling. If you set your expectations better, maybe you won't be so disappointed. Every guy you meet is not going to be good fit, so don't give away your heart so easily. Really evaluate them before jumping in so quickly -- you should resist the urge for immediate gratification.

    Often times we lie to ourselves (or rationalize way too much) because we want something (or someone) so much, that it blinds us to reality. So instead of seeing someone for what you wish them to be, you should be realistic and see them for what they are -- then when you like something you see, you go in with prudent expectations instead of dreams.

    As for your first times, I'm sure it was very confusing for you that your classmates seem open to be being curious, letting you explore while you were sure what you wanted -- you got a lot of mixed signals from them. Few teenagers can easily navigate this complicated phase of learning about yourself and sorting these conflicting feelings and wants.

    On another note, when Cheeky King are you going to set up your imperial court? I would like to apply to be one of your royal eunuchs. But as you can tell, I won't just advise you on what you want to hear, I'll push back with my own advice if it's good for you. My only condition, I get to keep my balls intact. :-)

    1. FoC,

      how did you become so wise? Think you're the goach (gay coach) that kenn-do needs.


    2. I think I'm a lot more idealistic. I believe that for now, everyone's just gonna be a hook-up/fuckbuddy, till I can insta-like a dude. Hahaha. I firmly believe that I can't date friends; because anyone who I friendzone from the start means that they aren't really what I'm looking for in a bf. And yeah, I've learned my lesson :o( I really just didn't think I'll get played at all because I'm so darn fucken awesome!!11111!! \m/

      It wasn't confusing actually. I knew every single one of the guys I played with were straight, everyone was experimenting and I was bold enough to take advantage of that. Except for the last guy, I'm pretty sure he's def. not straight. He's dating a chick now for the last couple years, they seem happy and shit. There was another time during like a camping trip this guy who slept beside me put his hand under my shirt and touched me everywhere and wanted to grab my dick while I was "sleeping" but I stopped him by pretending to wake up. Back then I also convinced myself this was a passing experimental phase.

      Hahaha what do you mean imperial court?!?! And you're already a royal eunuch!!! And um, all balls in my court yo' ;)

    3. Hey man, have you never seen "The Last Emperor"? Even the Emperor cannot keep eunuchs' balls. There was that scene when Puyi banished the eunuchs from the Forbidden City, and as they were streaming out onto the courtyard they were carrying their testicles in a little box so that when they die and get buried, they can be full men again. See? You learn a little about your cultural heritage.

      Anyway, Cheeky King, as the king you can do whatever you want. If you want to date a friend, you should not let some arbitrary rule hold you back. Why a friend? Because friends are more forgiving, friends watch your back and support you in good times and bad. You can ignore a friend for awhile (you know, when you are infatuated with your most recent boy-toy) and kind of treat them shitty, but they welcome you back after those bad breakups.

      And here's the secret -- you want your LTR to also be your best friend. It helps ensure a stronger relationship when underlying the romance, there's friendship and companionship. BFs come and go, good friends last a lifetime.

      You have not yet been in a real LTR (I don't count the 2 months with S) but you already see the pitfalls of dating. Love can easily turn to hate. It's scary how some people can change feelings so quickly.

      So if one of your guy friends starts liking you, don't dismiss it immediately.

      As for your admission that you convinced yourself that your gay feelings might be a phase -- a prime example of how we lie to ourselves because of the societal and family pressures we feel. It's good you accepted the truth soon enough. It's so sad those guys who pretend to be S8, then messing up a lot of other lives when they come out as gay in midlife.