Friday, June 7, 2013

Almost Lover

I have been crying again. I feel terribly alone. My family is so worried about me all the time. My mom asked me if it was worth it that over just one guy, I drag the entire family down with my negativity. My brother told me to grow up and stop acting like a kid.

No one understands that I have kept myself emotionally neutered for so long, and that everything I’m going through is what everyone else went through during their teen years.  My brother told me that I lied to him when I said that nothing about me is different, and that I’ll still be the same big brother as I was after coming out. Of course it wouldn’t matter, in the long run, but no one can give me a break that for now the very foundations that I tread on are shaky because I have never felt so intensely and powerfully in my life before, only for it all to just to disappear so suddenly and so quickly.

I need to learn to bottle my emotions once again. I have done it for 23 years of my life, I should resume that practice. My brother told me he is tired that everyone has to tiptoe around me when everyone else has problems too, and it isn’t right that I make mine the biggest out of them all. My sister broke up with her boyfriend (she initiated it – this is also her third boyfriend so far), my brother got rejected by a girl, but he has been in 4 relationships so far. Nobody gets it. 

Relationship problems are not new for them. It is entirely new for me. Don’t you get it? I am a fifteen year old. I am a baby trying to learn to walk.

It’s fine. I’m going to try and crawl back into my hole now and be devoid of all emotions. I used to be really good at it. It’s not ideal and frankly rather sad that I came out with such optimism, and my journey so far has taught me nothing but to not be earnest, because it is rarely ever requited. And really, nobody gives enough of a shit to care. So I don’t even know why I try.

I read the first few entries I wrote about Dutchie. I should have seen it coming. The player gets played. I am nothing but a tiny fish in an ocean of bastards.

I don’t know if this emotional void that I am creating for myself would mean that I will blog more, or blog less. I’ll just have to see. I feel terribly alone, in the way that nobody understands me. I need time, and yet no one wants to give me that. I have to help myself. The journey of a gay person is incredibly solitary.

You know what? To everyone who hasn’t came out, maybe you shouldn’t. Nothing feels better really. Only do when you have found a boyfriend. Because he might be the only person who can truly understand you.


I used to always like listening to this song because I've always preferred being a sad person, even though I never knew how a broken heart felt like. Now I truly and painfully understand it.

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images

You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images

And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you'd never ever forget these images, no

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

3 comments:

  1. Sorry, bottling up your emotions is not the answer, You should not suppress what comes naturally to you. What you have to do is find a more constructive outlet for your frustration and hurt.

    Instead of feeling like no body understands you, explain it to them. Your siblings should be able to relate to a similar situation, altho they may not feel the same emotional turmoil.

    You should not apologize for having feelings, but at the same time, you need to express them in way that provides you with both relief and solution. Crying about the same thing and not doing anything to change your situation does get tiresome for people who you are asking for advice but never take.

    Your blog buddies of course understand all too well what the first breakups are like -- you have no experience coping with them, so you really feel lost and alone. But you really are not alone -- you have friends you can turn to for support, so make use of that instead of self isolation.

    You have so much energy and vibrancy -- it would be a shame if all that was directed inward.

    And finally you are wrong about no body caring. We care. I care.

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  2. I can totally relate to the fact that this is all new for you and that you feel like a teenager, i have written a couple entries about that. Just hang on, be confident and you will go through it, like everything else

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  3. Cheeky King:

    Are you doing a little better today? I think most of us have had our hearts broken at one time or another, and while we felt bad for awhile, we learned to live and love another day. You too will get over this.

    You won't like the feeling of being rejected, because for sure it sucks and your self esteem/confidence takes a hit, but you will come to accept what has happened and move on. These things called life lessons are useful because they do expand your view of the world and yourself -- hopefully better things will come your way. I expect you will find a way to make it happen.

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