Thursday, June 27, 2013

is it normal?

Is it normal behavior to know how flawed one's thinking is, and yet being unable to pinpoint exactly how to rectify it, and thus find it obstinately difficult to do anything about it? Everything is so abstract in my head; I form large cumulonimbus clouds of seething thoughts all around me, and I introspect and quietly nibble at them.

I really just don't get it. I don't get it at all. Why do some people not see how fucking awesome I am, with the some people specifically referring to gay people and my coworkers? My friends all do - the ladies, the straight men, and the one gay pal. They think I've got my whole life fucking sorted; young, rich, and attractive - what would he ever need to be sad about? Done. Sorted! Booyah. Cowabunga brosefs.

Why am I such a paradox? Is my overconfidence a defense mechanism that I use to protect myself from rejection? Why do I seek validation so much from people that matter very little to me, and take for granted those that matter so much?

Also, why is NYC so fucking, fucking, assaultingly putrid everywhere I go? Why are there so much less hot guys here than in Chicago? Why can't I just be a Stakhanovite at work? Why do I constantly see in my mind's eye, my boss' shittyass face judging me? Why have I not booked my eurohostels? Why are so many gay people so feminine?

Why are so many gay people so feminine? Why? Or is it just that all the femmes come out to gay bars?

I am TERRIBLY frustrated at all the hours that I've wasted on Jack'd, with all the fucking buildups and all the fucking letdowns. I NEED to have a healthy sex life, goddammit I do.

I've always believed that everything would work out for me, eventually. I've always managed to scrape through every single thing in life, and manage to waddle through the higher echelons of the academic ladder. I know that I am going to be terribly successful in the future, but I've really just been hoping that one day it will just 'click' in my head, and I'll just know what my calling is, and how I can use my fucking huge brain to milk that cash cow and yet love every single fucking thing about my career.

I don't think I need to think hard about my life. I think the problem is that I think about thinking too much, and I can't just think about things, I spend way too much time thinking about how I can think about things, and writing convoluted sentences like this that end up adding no value in the end.

Shake Shack is not all that at all. Five guys is horribly similar. Good night.

7 comments:

  1. Why? Dr. Phil says we often lie to ourselves -- to give us comfort, so we won't have to face reality or hard choices, etc. We all do it to some extent, we rationalize bad choices or behavior. It's not easy to be brutally honest with ourselves because there is something safe in not having to face reality.

    That's why I say even though you are acting out all these drunken hookups, that's not what you really want. It seems to me you know what your issues are by the questions you pose yourself but what are you willing to do or change? Cause doing the same thing is not going to get you different results.

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    1. The thing is I feel like I don't know how to change

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    2. The first step is to acknowledge that you want to change. The change part comes from breaking bad habits. You admitted you probably drink too much -- how do you change that? Stop drinking so much. Obviously you lose the pleasure part of drinking but then you also avoid the bad things that happen when you drink too much. Most people would rather talk about problems (or avoid them altogether) than act on them.

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  2. Forgive me, but like some (most) twenty-somethings you are way too self absorbed. You judge others harshly yet at the same time are exceedingly needy and sensitive to criticism.
    I'd suggest you focus outward a bit and try to see things from a perspective that is not so privileged. You might realize how lucky you are and how better off you are than the average slob. Until then, you will ways focus on what you DON'T have instead of counting yourself damned lucky for what you DO have.

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    1. No you are absolutely right. I am incredibly self-absorbed and it is a condition that I cling on to and yet beat myself up for doing exactly that. That suggestion is very sage, but how does one just "focus outward a bit?" I feel like I know what direction I'm supposed to be headed towards, but it's so difficult to just miraculously _not_ be self-absorbed and taking things for granted.

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    2. I suggest volunteer work - and not something easy. Maybe working with the elderly or those with mental challenges.

      Doing that kind of work will be very humbling; a terrific, other-focused experience. It can be tough work but it will change you (and the people you help) for the better.

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  3. Yep. I agree with two lives. Childhood and young adulthood is all about "me". It's good to a point. But getting mired down in it is bad for the man you hope to become. Volunteering is an EXCELLENT way to put your problems in perspective. You'll find that many people struggle with similar issues but few have many of your blessings. You have your health, an education that sounds second to none and the support of a loving family....So very many people have none of that but despite it all, they make happy lives. Despite your sophistication you live in a bubble. Broaden your horizons and use empathy and you will be much better to tackle your problems AND you will be a better person

    Good luck!!!!

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