Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Motherfucking king of my own cheeky land


Holy moley. Soooo I'm not sure if it's because I'm still in denial or what but I'm surprisingly rapidly efficient at moving on-ish!! I think once I hit the acceptance stage (which took wayyy too long because S never gave me a straight answer), I've come to terms that I had a wonderful two months with him, and I would do it all over again, except for the wishful thinking that anything long-term could have come out from that. There are still pangs that I feel here and there about whether I'll be able to feel like that about someone else again, and whether I would get hurt again, but in general I have accepted that I still find him really adorable (his campy antics), he likes me, I like him more, but we're just not meant to be. And it's fine. 

Because I'm awesome. No kidding. Yeah except for humility maybe, but I'm slowly getting back to being my old cheeky self (I actually haven't had any horny thoughts for the past week...). I feel great, brimming with optimism, looking forward to my trip, including my as of yet unbooked Eurotrip. Yesterday I was still crying in the office and stuff, but today I'm totally cool. Maybe it's because I'm Asian and am just so motherfucking efficient at everything, but yeah, I think I'm good!! With that being said though I'm still not going to contact him for a while for sure, it might pick at old scabs and shit. Also, it would be entirely disrespectful to the bf. I feel kinda bad for him that I came in and screwed shit up.

I had a great lunch with my coworkers today, getting the usual crap from the other dudes (my nickname at work is Loki, or Puny, apparently cos this Asian-American coworker of mine's like 60 lbs heavier than me and says he can bench me and thus called me "puny god" after he saw me at the gym cos it reminded him of this:

W T F fucking insulting as balls but funny too lmao wait till they see me with my shirt off those mofuckasss!!!) taking jabs at them too etc..I'm glad I'm able to joke around again! It's all dudes too so it's real chill, only person I don't talk to is my boss cos she a woman...I really don't like women except my mom and my sister and some times I can't even tolerate them.

To be honest, while I'm excited to be back to school for commencement, I'm a little worried too. I'm not really a big fan of the Midwest; in fact I feel like I should have studied abroad for a full year instead. People are generally very nice, but not very worldly. There's a very apparent small-town element to most of the people I've met from there. It's just culturally different for me I suppose. NYC would be a lot more at home for me. Plus my dad's company's opening an office there so there's gonna be a bigass opening cocktail party! Huzzah!

Still cracking my head over what I should exactly do to travel in Europe. Given how late I'm booking my tickets, maybe I should just really ignore the cost and go for the most convenient mode i.e. train, but after a quick search it seems like it'll cost me about 450 euros for London-Berlin-Cologne-London phoooeeeyyyy

Also, I'm having second thoughts about going to a gay pride parade?? What if I end up completely hating it?? What do I do then since I'll be going alone?? But I guess there are other things to see in Cologne? But I have heard Berlinites (what do you call em) tell me that Cologne is like the ghetto slums...erps

I'm slowly getting better each day! I'm happy! I still kind of wish that Dutchie and I actually made out more, or that I could have lost my virginity card to him (talking about buttsex btw, like me doing him) but of course that didn't and shouldn't have happened, but it would have been wild. 

It's also gonna be nuts going back to Chicago and telling everyone that ohayimgay but I figure I've already told most friends my grade (the juniors I haven't, but they're not gonna be around for senior week anyway) so it ain't gonna be that bad. I told another one of my friends over the weekend actually and he was like "idk if you're serious or not but if you are i have mad respect" etc. etc. and I let him read my coming out email and it's all very normal and cool I love straight guys seriously they're so uncomplicated and they know that me liking dick isn't gonna affect them, until religion comes in and fucks up their minds of course

1 comment:

  1. Of course you will find someone to feel like you did with S. There's a big world out there for you to explore, I'm not sure why you feel like he was irreplaceable.

    As you found, what you think you like (or dislike) may not be at all your preference -- you have to try out new things to really know whether you like them or not -- and that can be anything from taste in guys (you thought you would only be attracted to muscle boys) to fashion to food, to gay pride.