Monday, June 10, 2013

Moving forward


I think I've finally reached the acceptance stage. Everything still stings a bit, but it'll pass. I woke up in the middle of the night too, but it'll pass. 

I've also gotten back on my antidepressants too. Just for precaution's sake I guess. I've also taken steps to move forward now. I have deleted him off from Facebook, untagged all our photos together, deleted him off my contact list, Whatsapp, and Line. This is necessary for me to be able to forget the pain and move on, but I know that I'll not really be able to truly forget him completely. Hopefully in the future I will just be able to remember him with fondness, and accept the fact that we had it so good while it lasted. 

I have learned a couple things from this experience for sure. The first one is that I should never ever get myself emotionally involved right from the get-go with anyone who is attached, no matter how the person may describe the relationship to be extremely rocky. The person will usually find reasons to rekindle the flames with his partner, and thus the only person who will get hurt in the end is me, nobody else. The second that I've learned is that I am truly capable of being almost selfless, which is amazing to know of, for I have always thought that I was a cold-hearted person in an invory tower. The third that I've learned is that I am not necessarily looking for a bromo; S was actually pretty obviously gay, for he had many feminine characteristics, and a shit ton more girl friends than guy friends. I used to think that I would never be attracted to any guy remotely feminine, so now I know that I am wrong. When I was with him too, I wasn't embarrassed to be around a skinny guy wearing floral pants and a deep V-neck. It was okay. 

I have also removed my Jack'd notifications, and have resolved to not check it until I get to Chicago on the 16th (yes, less than a week!) where I might meet new guys. However, I am going to be very cautious about this, for I know that in this period I will compare every guy to S, and it wouldn't help me forget about the pain. In fact it may be best if I just don't think about guys for now. So, I might just not check Jack'd at all even in Chicago, for it is going to be pointless anyway since I am now based back in Asia. Instead, I will focus on catching up with my friends and generally just having fun with them. 

I will also finally book my Eurotrip tickets. It is a bit unfortunate that I would have to travel by myself, but I think I'll manage. For now, I will be in Chicago from the 16th-22nd of June, NYC June 23-28, then London for the 29th (to get myself adjusted), then I plan to book my tickets for Copenhagen (30-2), Berlin (Jul 3-6), and Cologne (7-9). There is a gay pride parade called Christopher Street Day in Cologne on the 7th, and I really want to check it out. I'm getting a lot more open-minded about being seen in these gay establishments or events, which is a good step forward. This does not necessarily mean that I enjoy being "in the scene" though. After the 9th, I plan to visit my best friend from college in Paris (she goes to school there), and hopefully we'll also be able to travel to Lisbon together (she's unsure yet because of budget constraints). As I leave back to the motherland on the 20th, I plan to leave the last week for London to visit R (who would be studying abroad there), D (my straight but open-minded rugby friend who moved to London recently), and H (my tall cute British straight friend who hopefully I'll be able to get some bud from). 

Also, this is my last week of work before going off on my 5 week trip, and I plan to be a lot more focused (I regularly took hour breaks spontaneously to FaceTime S or to call on friends when I was crying), because I know my boss has noticed my disappearances. 

I will also continue to hit the gym and look good to feel good. I measured myself last week again:

May 29th:

Weight: 64.2 kg
Fat Mass: 11.9 kg
Fat %: 18.5%
Muscle Mass: 49.6 kg

Jun 7th:
Weight: 64.2 kg
Fat Mass: 11.1 kg
Fat %: 17.3%
Muscle Mass: 50.3 kg

Not bad at all. I've been cutting down the amount of carbs that I'm eating so I think that has been helping too. I realize going to the gym regularly really does make me feel better. 

It isn't going to be easy, this whole thing though. I went with my mom to my grandmother's 81st birthday yesterday at this buffet lunch, but my mom didn't tell me where it was. Turns out it was at the hotel lobby of the hotel where I attended my first hotel suite party where I met him. A wave of emotions hit me as I sat there and looked up at the rows of doors of hotel rooms, visions of him and I talking by the balcony resurfacing in my head again, and I had to leave the lunch early. 

I haven't really had my last big cry. I've gone through most of the 5 stages in different orders though, but I think I am close to the last two now. I am trying to become less dependent on my phone, as I used to talk to him almost every single minute of the day. I am also not pinning any negativity on to him, because it'll only make me despair even more, and in all honesty, he is not a bad person at all. He didn't cheat - he was incredibly resolute in not hooking up with me, or extending anything beyond just holding hands. He also was very honest with his bf about me, which is why his bf gave him an ultimatum anyway. In fact, he is some times too righteous, and looked down on anyone who didn't share his moral values, which is something that I really respected in a gay world that seems bereft of it.

I wished him well and told him that I hope he will make incredible film (he's a film major) and that hopefully some day I will be able to see one of his films. Then I said my last "nite nite S" to him last night. It was heartbreaking, but it is unfair to me if I am always there for him and he isn't. It is time to really start looking forward to brighter and better things. 

4 comments:

  1. That was fast, going thru the 5 stages, altho if I look back at your posts over the last 2 weeks, it seems like you already were experiencing some flashes of anger and some depression.

    Upon reflection you learned some things about yourself and others, and that's going to help you in the future. Yes, you will be protective of giving away your heart so quickly the next time but we all had to figure that out the hard way, because most of our first loves did not work out either.

    Being more selective of the circumstances of guys you meet will also help you involve yourself in situations where there's better chance of success. If you think about it, getting involved with an attached guy, who's around only temporarily, and is still having to find his place and going to school -- those aren't the ingredients for a long term commitment.

    Still, you cannot always control how your heart feels about things and there is something about living in the moment, even if the benefits are temporary.

    You do not need to totally forget about S to get past this. As you noted, you can remember those fond moments and qualities of S -- and keep that as a measure of what you want a guy to be. At the same time, there were things that did not work -- so keep that in mind too.

    You are going to be OK. You are strong and resilient. You still may have times that you feel bad about what's happened, but that's OK, that's seems normal to have regret -- just remember that as time passes the hurt will fade and you will love again.

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    Replies
    1. :') thank you so much man, it's very reassuring to hear such words of encouragement from others

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    2. You are welcome. We want back the old bold, audacious Cheeky King, not the sad one. You can be sad for awhile but I think things will perk up once you are on the epic travel adventure you are planning. Good distraction for you so you can imagine again the possibilities.

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  2. To be in a relationship is a lot of work and compromise. It is rare that it works the first time out. One example though is this blog:

    http://2boysinlove.blogspot.com/

    If you run through the 3 years of entries you find that they had to learn how to be in relationship with some hiccups along the way. They are a wonderful example of how a relationship can really make each single person better and how precious it is receive the support and love of another.

    ReplyDelete