Saturday, June 29, 2013

Previous entry wasn't complete;

I was at the airport and wanted to write everything out but had to rush off for the plane in the end. So I wrote this on my phone in the plane instead, which btw, was delayed for 2.5 hours because United sucks fucking donkey cock. 

I really need to start treating myself better. And I need to stop acting so bratty. My recent entries have been very bratty and stupid. I know that now. And I really need to start believing in myself, and slowly let go of all my insecurities to become less self absorbed and more empathic of the people around me. In the heat of the moment I threw caution to the wind, and trusted a stranger for reasons I cannot fathom, and put myself at insurmountable risk. 

Chronologically, my last few days at NYC were great. First I met up with my incredibly cute and sexually ambiguous (all the guys tell me he's straight but the girls are doubtful) college friend for tacos at his place, and I just liked looking at him talk. Such a handsome man really! He wore dorky white socks and boat shoes and I was thinking how horribly Midwestern he was dressed. He has a slight lisp when he talks, which might be an indicator that he's gay, but it isn't very noticeable (or maybe I just want to notice it). I wanted to meet up with him again but never got the chance to cos he lives in Brooklyn and I didn't have the chance to venture across the tunnel so yeah. 

I also attended my dad's NYC office opening function where loads of attorneys were around. Luke's lobster rolls, free flow of alcohol, and endless mindless small talk that I was great at making, and it was a really fun event. I also met up with this leggy girl friend of mine, where I was at her apartment and we smoked a couple joints in her balcony, reconnecting and just talking about the future. She told me she guessed that I was gay because I never hit on her at all. Sounds pretty self absorbed but if you're a straight Asian male and you lay your eyes on this girl, you'll basically feel obligated to hit on her hardcore. She's very pretty and tall! Like 5'9", skinny, long wavy hair. 

After that though things got a bit strange since I went to a gay bar myself hoping to get lucky but nope. I felt horrible as to why people didn't want to hook up with me. So as I was walking home I checked in on grindr (I'm getting really good at picking up free wifi) and this old dude messages me, and he was kind of near, so for some horny reason I decided I will let this 43 year old creeper suck me off in his apartment. He was pretty good, and he swallowed my load, but he kept trying to kiss me or fuck me and I rejected each time even in my baked state of mind. 

Btw, I'm leaving out all the wholesome parts that I spent with my family. All these happen late at night after everyone's asleep, where I basically tell them I was gonna meet up with friends which wasn't completely a lie. Hah. 

My last day in NYC went really well too. I woke up to a message from a 23 year old decent-looking half black guy from Jackd, and he was working nearby and was up for dropping by my hotel for a bit. He unlocked his pics and my god I knew that I needed to have some of that, if you know what I mean. The hotel that I was staying at is actually really nice, so the bathrooms on the second floor were pretty exquisite so it felt less sketchy when we went into a stall that basically had a sink and everything in it too. We were awkward, but not that bad really. He went down on me first and ran his hands up and down my body and I went wild. We made out for a bit, then I unbuttoned his pants and I went down on him too. Honestly, I love sucking dick. I don't know why I do, but I just do. Especially deep throating. I tried to take his pretty thick schlong down completely, and ended up getting all teary eyed from gagging. It was a pretty glorious dick. He had a good body too, real nice pecs. I maybe sucked on him for like 3 minutes only, till the cleaning lady came in and he freaked and got soft and so we left. 

Then I tried reconnecting with this 27 year old dude who I really wanted to hook up with because he had a fucking fucking great body along with a glorious penis, but it didn't happen. After brunch, I went with my sister to meet her friends at Central Park where we rented bikes. There was a very funny moment when one of the girl twins turned to me and whispered "omg look!" And I looked at where she was pointing and I said what am I supposed to look at? And she said "they're so hot!" And I realized she was checking out these leggy blond model chicks by a bench. And I replied a very nonchalant "oh," which got her going to my sister and asking her if I was gay, because I had no reaction. Hilarious really. And then after she knew, we started talking about the really cute half Japanese half Brazilian bike rental guy together.

I then watched Kinky Boots, which was so incredibly heartwarming though cliche, and I was thinking a lot about what the message behind the play was and that was to accept people for who they are. So far I have found it extremely difficult to accept my overprotective parents, my demanding and unhelpfully non-mentoring boss, the "local" culture of my countrymen who I deem as narrow-minded and ignorant, and the feminine gay men I meet whenever I am really horny to hook up. For my work situation, I am determined to quit. It is really a wrong fit, and I am unable to use my talents to properly contribute to the future of the firm. For my parents, I have decided to share less with them, and let them not worry about me so much, given that I am 24. For the gay men I meet at clubs, well...seriously though, I still don't get why many gay men are "sissy." It will forever be a mystery to me. Can someone explain this to me? 

For the thing about my country, I think I'm fine with it. I'm not going to hate on them anymore, but neither am I going to try and make myself like them either. It'll just be the same way I deal with drag queens, I'll just smile and accept that this is the way of life for them. Because really who am I to judge? Some times, these "simple minded" folk might even be happier than me. 

After that I headed off to a gay club alone which had a pride kick off underwear party event. I only had one drink there because honestly I wasn't there to drink but to drool. Two of the dancers were fucking hot. The rest weren't my type (i.e. feminine). One of them was this dark haired guy with an incredible body, and he knew I was checking him out a lot so he winked at me and touched himself a couple times. He teased a lot by lowering his underwear so I could see his pubes and his buttcrack, and honestly oh god my heart was beating like it was on FIRE bro. I went up to talk to him after he took a break and he was real friendly and patted me on the back and we exchanged names and shook hands. I asked him if he was straight and he said yes. I knew it, I always only ever find straight guys fucking fucking hot. Honestly I thought about asking him if I could make out with him, but I just talked to him about normal stuff like how he's Brazilian and from NJ, and it was his first night performing in a gay club and he liked it. He was super chill. After that, I did something I've never done before and took a dollar bill out and slid it down his briefs. He looked at me and said "hey man what's up!!" And smiled a fucking cheeky smile while I grabbed his dick and felt his pubes. Fuck. I was so so hungry for dick basically. I went around the club scouting for dudes, loads were all in underwear only and had great bodies but were basically muscle marys, until I met this Hispanic guy who seemed a bit uptight but had a cute face and an incredible chest. We talked a bit, he's from Mexico, and after he got a drink at the bar, we made out for a bit. It wasn't a lot because after that he told me he felt guilty because he wasn't supposed to be out but he and the guy he's dating had a fight and so he was here. I was like oh, okay, welllll I still win lolol. At least I got to snog a cutie. I also realize I am incredibly attracted to Latinos, I love their skin tone and their facial features. 

These are some photos I took at the club. Dude in the black underwear is the Brazilian hottie I was talking about. I will remember him for a while ;) unbelievably unnnfff and sexy. 

Then I ran home cos I'm terrified of getting robbed in NYC so each time I go out I basically run 15 blocks home which is pretty good exercise. I was sweating when I decided to check up on grindr again, and this 28 year old white guy at Grand Central messages me asking if I wanted to have some fun since he was horny. I agreed since he looked really handsome, and so he also came over to my hotel bathroom, same stall, and when I went there to meet him, he was really attractive. Kind of pudgy, but a really good face. He told me he works in the restaurant business, and just got out of a long day of work and was thus incredibly horny. I smiled. He was very manly, I wouldn't have guessed he was gay at all. We started making out, he went down on me first, and he really slobbered up my cock. I facefucked him a bit, and then went down on him. Great dick really, very thick. I gagged a lot too, and after a while he got really horny and suggested we 69 on the floor. He laughed a little saying he has never done something like this but he was just super turned on. This is my first 69. It's actually very cool to thrust my hips while bobbing my head at the same time. Does that make sense? Hahaha. I actually took his dick up in my mouth for so long that I actually threw up a lil in my mouth. Omfg. That was so gross. I immediately pretended nothing happened but I couldn't suck his dick anymore in case I ACTUALLY vom which would have been fucking gross. He loved sucking me and went on for a very long time and I quietly moaned a lil. Then he ate my ass out for a bit, and told me I have an incredible ass and asked if he could fuck me. I said no. He asked if he could just tease my ass by putting his cock around it and I said sure. He started rolling his eyes back in sheer ecstasy, and it turned me on a lot. Then he went in a little. At first I winced and said hey, stop. And he said only just a little. And somehow I was okay with that. He asked me how it felt, and I kind of gave him a "hmm it's okay" look. Then he spat a bit and rubbed it on his cock and in my ass and then he told me "I'm going in" and for some reason it didn't cross my mind that it was dangerous that we were doing this without a condom. This was because I never thought I was going to be bottoming that night, and he was incredibly friendly and seemed like a trustable fellow. Obviously, I should never trust people on grindr in the future. He did tell me he was clean though, and he asked me too and I said I was too and I somehow trusted him too. 

It was a very strange disarming sensation when he went inside me. It didn't feel that bad, in fact when he slowly thrusted in and out it felt good. He was wanking me off and we were making out too, and he asked me to bounce on it and I told him I couldn't cos I imagined it would hurt. So everything was very slow. It also lasted for barely 2-3 minutes since I almost came when he sucked me off when we were 69ing already. I shot a huge load all over his stomach, and then he took his dick out and asked if he could cum on my asshole and I said no. So he came on himself and we lay there laughing a little at what just happened. He told me not to do this too often in the future, although he was glad we shared such a fun moment. He said he didn't do stuff like that often too. After that we cleaned ourselves up, shook hands, and said bye. I went back up, showered, cleaned my ass with soap, and went to bed.

It was only the next day when I talked to a fellow blogger about this that I realized the gravity of the situation. That I barebacked and put myself at risk of getting infected. I started freaking out, and did a bit of research online about this, and started crying. 

I am wondering if I should get myself tested. A friend told me he barebacked once too and nothing happened but he never did it again. The guy didn't cum in me, nor do I think there was much precum since I basically sucked him up dry after I kind of threw up a bit on his dick omfggross. The whole thing also lasted for 3 minutes, and also it wasn't rough at all since I told him I wouldn't be able to take it rough anyway. So I think my chances are pretty low. I haven't been able to ask him when he was last tested since he hasn't logged on to Grindr for more than a day...The fellow blogger also told me that the first time a person gets exposed to HIV the body usually fights it off, but after that he becomes immunocompromised and risk of infection gets higher with each unprotected sex encounter. Because of this, I don't think it is necessary for me to do a PEP. 

I swear to never do this again though. I was incredibly stupid. Never again. 

I would also like to address the comments.

I completely agree with whatever everyone wrote. I have done volunteer work, and I was part of a social change group on campus during college that I was very active in for all three years. I think back when I was in the closet, I had a strong empathy for everyone who was marginalized, because I had to hide a part of myself that I couldn't help. I have volunteered in Uganda for 8 weeks, I have volunteered at old folks' homes, special schools for elementary kids, etc. In fact, after being part of the social change group in college, I brought up a potential idea with my parents of me working with an NGO for a few years after graduation. They obviously sniped the idea down immediately. I remember how in Uganda I would get so terribly sexed up, that on weekends when I went down to the Internet cafe in the town two hours away from the village I was at, I would pre-load dozens of gay porn videos to watch back in my room, and I felt guilty about it after. Back then watching gay porn made me feel very guilty about myself, and I always somehow tried to compensate for that by helping others.

Now it seems that after coming out, I have made everything just about me. This is definitely a personality change that I did not know was going to happen. I have begun getting a bit hypocritical, tired of some of my closeted gay friends when I was in their position before. Porn also no longer seems an option to calm my horny tits down, as now I rather seek an actual person to jack me off, which led me to make poor decisions e.g. 40 year old creeper. I have taken for granted the overwhelming acceptance that my friends have given me, and do not feel marginalized at all as a gay person, which has given me a false sense of self-righteousness. I abhor this way of thinking. I have to stop this. 

I think things are looking up though. It has been 6 months since I first came out. I think after a full year of being an out gay man, I would be a lot surer of myself. And I believe that it will happen.

On to other things. It is London gay pride weekend, and I had no clue that June and July were months of all the gay prides around the world. That's awesome. However, my flight got delayed cos American airlines truly truly are incompetent, and hence I missed it too. Which means I have missed gay prides of Chicago, NYC, and London so far. Wtf. At least I will be going out tonight, with a very effeminate gay friend from Berlin (I have nothing against effeminate guys as friends, only sexually not attracted to them), and he's a wild child so I'm sure we would be hitting up some nice gay clubs. Hopefully will be able to see someone as hot as Brazilian dancer above. Will ONLY drink one drink, as drunkenness brings out the worst in me. I wouldn't mind smoking some joints though, I loveeee getting high and I miss it. 

I am extremely fortunate! My whole life has been very smooth-sailing really, and I need to stop being such a whiny lil bitch and man up and take charge of my brain, my dick, and oh yeah my body damnnnn I need ta hit the gym I have been slacking

1 comment:

  1. What a wild time. I sense you still are somewhat ambivalent and conflicted -- you enjoy all the action as it's happening but have buyer's remorse later.