Saturday, June 1, 2013

Transatlanticism


This is how I feel at work every day.

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I did some measurements on a body composition weighing scale,

May 7th:

Weight: 63.2 kg
Fat Mass: 11.5 kg
Fat %: 18.2%
Muscle Mass: 49.0kg

May 29th:

Weight: 64.2 kg
Fat Mass: 11.9 kg
Fat %: 18.5%
Muscle Mass: 49.6 kg

OHNOESSSS I'm putting on both fat and muscle this is kinda shitty. Gonna cut down on carbs intake and uh...get diet coke for all of my drinks NO MORE COCKTAILS.

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I took a break from S. I told him everything I wrote down, and then I spoke with my friends about it. Everyone told me the same thing - forget him. It is not that easy. He has become my best friend. We tell each other everything. It is impossible to break it off completely. Just a day later, I reinitiated contact with him.

Immediately, he apologized and said he realized that he has been completely unfair to me, and he never meant it that way, he's just an honest idiot. I asked him to be completely honest with me, in order to figure out where I stand on the whole matter. He agreed.

Basically, the distance simply would not work. That's what he thinks at least. 3 weeks in July, 3 weeks in August, 4 weeks in January, simply do not add up to much. After he graduates, there is a higher chance of something to happen, since he would leave Amsterdam and go to film academy in either NYC or London, and my dad has offices there, I'll quit my job and join him (if I'm single at that time of course.)

He told me he was very prepared to break up with his bf when he got to Singapore to start his 5.5 month exchange, because he got increasingly annoyed with him, and hardly kept in contact. I only met him during the last 2 months though. He said he started rationalizing that he was going back to Amsterdam anyway, so therefore he feared breaking up with his bf then. He said things would have definitely been different if we met at the start of his exchange. He told me that since coming back, his bf has changed, and has somehow corrected most of his flaws (I call bullshit on that, it's cos he's tryna be hella nice to win him back, d'oh). He also told me that they simply have so many mutual friends; they both sit in the same committees at school, and he also told me that his bf is creatively more similar to him since the bf draws, and he shoots film. I'm like, wow dafuq, I'm a fucking fantastic writer, and I listen to some good ass music. Asshole! But OKAY FINE I'm a finance guy that's true...:o(

I asked him point-blank, if the probability of him breaking up with his bf was very low. His face got really really sad. He took a really long time, and he finally replied me, yes. I then asked him, if he loved me more than he loved his bf, and he paused for a while, looked at me really painfully, and said yes. He said he wanted to kiss me more than to kiss his bf. He also told me that I'm the first guy he has ever felt proud to be walking together with in public.

Then I told him that he has become my best friend over the past two months, and even though he has basically hurtled so much shit and pain and tears at me, he is still the best thing that has happened to me post-coming out. I told him that I'm finally going to accept the fact that we cannot be together, and that I wish him and his bf all the best. Sometimes, love just isn't enough. Cliched, but true. However, I would still like to maintain contact with him, and I'll be going out to gay clubs and bars to hook up with cute dudes, possibly go on dates if I can ever get over the incredibly shitty standard of men in this country, and if I do meet a guy that likes me and I like him back, I'll tell S about him. He smiled and told me that it amazes him how beautiful I am, in every way. It sounds REALLY LAME I know but at that time I had a half-smile.

I also gave him three parting points:

1) To still consider coming to visit in August for a few weeks before school starts, since he misses the food and the weather here, and I know he misses me and I miss him too. There's a four-day long weekend so I told him we can even travel somewhere.

2) If his bf tells him to stop talking to me, he must say no, because he cannot just talk to me and drop me the mo' it isn't cool with his bf because that's gonna hurt me again.

3) To tell me the moment he breaks up with his bf, and that if I'm single at that time, we would give it a shot.

He smiled. I think he is seriously considering 1). for 2) he told me he makes his own decisions, and will not relent to that definitely. I know this is definitely true for now, because he doesn't really love his bf as much as he loves me. I'm hoping that with time if he does love his bf more, I'll have already moved on anyway so I wouldn't mind not talking to him. In fact, he said he doesn't care that I uploaded more than 30+ pictures I took of him while in Singapore. For 3) he smiled and said "of course."

Really, this whole thing is just a wrong place wrong time kind of thing. I left the FaceTime chat feeling pretty happy actually. Although it still seems that all the upside is for him, and all the downside is on me, nobody understands this: I truly, truly fucking love this kid, even with all his goddamn flaws and immaturity. I would give the world to him. I might consider catching a grenade for him too. And really, he keeps me stable whenever things aren't about his bf. Now, I'm really not gonna kid myself anymore that we have a chance.

The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row, it gets farther than ever before.


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OK idk what this means, but I came back last night at 4ish am, and I told S to FT, he agreed, and I was sitting there naked, and after talking to him for a while, I told him I was gonna shower, and if he wanted to stay on the line. He smiled and said "you're so cheeky" and said yes. But somehow I started jerking off, and I managed to convince him to jerk off too, and he did like an overhead view of him (like from his perspective) jerking his dick and playing with his balls. Fuck yeah, finally! He has a nice, average-sized dick :o) I shot a pretty nice load, smiled, we air-kissed each other goodnight, I showered, and crashed.

Yikes, we keep having SexyTime instead of FaceTime. I can tell he's totally turned on by me though hehehe, well, what can I say, so far most people have been anyway :P Anyway, idk what this means, but whatever, as long as I don't keep falling further, which I think is impossible since I already truly love this kid anyway.

Thoughts??? Do you guys think I'm digging a grave for myself??? Loads of people are telling me that I won't move on cos I'll be hung up on him and wouldn't be up for meeting new guys. Firstly, not true, I've hooked up with 3 guys ever since he left, and secondly, I honestly don't think I can meet any gay person in my country that would pass my standards. They are all either way too effeminate, or complete assholes. There are a few that are always like "where are the sensible men out there who want a LTR???" Well, men are shallow, I'm sorry you're not that attractive. With this in mind, it's different from my straight guy friends who gave me above advice, because there ARE many girls around who are girlfriend material, but in my books, no gay man I've met so far has even come close to being boyfriend material. So really, no loss for me. If I do meet someone, I'm actually pretty certain that I'll go for it with an open mind, but definitely not as open a heart as I did with S.

5 comments:

  1. Your new nickname should be "Cheeky King" -- Haha!

    I'm not sure how you call fall in love with someone over just two months. Most times I think it is infatuation with the person or a deep desire to feel wanted that is being met by the attention. However I am not saying this could not work, just that the likelihood of this turning into that LTR you are looking for is low.

    If you feel you have to pursue this then I say go ahead; you are going in understanding that your heart may be broken in the end, but that's the risk. In any LTR, you have to make yourself vulnerable to getting your feelings hurt.

    I do think that emotionally you have not let go of him (and you know that too) -- those 3 hookups meant nothing, fueled more by alcohol and being horny -- so there is truth to what your friends are saying. If you met another exchange student or ex-pat where you have chance to develop something, would you still be chasing after S? I doubt it.

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    1. I doubt it's infatuation. If it was infatuation it would have been very short-lived but two months is a pretty long time, I have a much much shorter attention span for everything else really. Dutchie gave me VERY little reciprocal most of the time even as I was the King of Cheekiness, so I didn't really get a lot of attention, however I showered him with so much attention. Deep desire to feel wanted? Why wouldn't anyone want to be? But yes, I have a deep thirst for romance.

      We spoke almost every single minute we were awake when we were both in the same country. I think that is why two months is long enough.

      I have not found anyone else that I have managed to feel as comfortable as I am around with him, and yet with this feeling of trying to protect him and yet inject as much excitement into our time together. For that I feel that it is worth it. Maybe I am young and stupid, I don't know, I'm turning 25 by the end of the year though I don't think I'm considered young anymore hah.

      And yes!! Definitely! If I meet another person where I have the chance to develop something, I won't be chasing after S anymore, that's precisely what I want but I am doubtful of it happening. Which is why for now, emotionally I still want to be invested in S' life, and him in mine.

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    2. Maybe it is the thrill and challenge of the chase you are after? Besides you getting along and seeing him all the time, did you really see yourself with him long term?

      Do the both of you have the same values? Are you in the same place in life -- ready to settle or still trying to find yourself? Can you provide for each other? Do you treat each other well and with respect? These are things I tell my nieces what to look for in a person -- not the surface, shallow, superficial stuff. Why do you think he was reluctant to reciprocate? He still had some loyalties to his BF back home?

      In the middle of all the drunk on love feeling, you cannot see him objectively, you will put him on pedestal and rationalize things even when he treats you poorly. But you will never know for sure unless you try.

      You are cute, smart, ambitious -- you should not settle -- there are so many other guys out there.

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    3. Well tbh I'm tired of chasing him, I just want him to be with me!! But if it takes me constantly chasing him to get him to be with me, so be it.

      Yes. Long term for sure. We do have the same values. In fact that is why we connected. He is extremely virtuous, even more so than me, and makes me want to be a better guy when I'm with him. I'm ready to settle, he is too but he has a year left of school and is stuck there. Provide for each other?? Wow... That's a little far down the road, I don't think as boyfriends this provision thing necessarily comes into play.

      And it is hardly the superficial shallow stuff here. He isn't the hottest hunk out there. In fact he's very self conscious of his body cos he told me mines a lot better than his. He also isn't necessarily the cutest.

      Yes treat each other with respect. Yes reluctant cos of loyalties. I really does think he treats me with respect now that I've told him I'm out of the game. In the past I think he wanted me to dislike him to make things easier for all of us.

      That's the thing though...are there really many other guys out there?????

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    4. Lets see, there's 1.3B chinese people in China, approx. 50% are guys. So that's 650M x 5% gay = 32.5M guys, say 10% of them have the qualities you are looking for, that leaves 3.25M, say you have access to 1% of them, that's 32,500 guys. If you go out on date with one each night, that's enough to keep you busy for 89 years. Wow! That's a lot of guys! :-) Haha -- I can be cheeky too.

      Anyway, yes you are right, finding someone you like, who likes you back is not easy so when they come across your path it's not so easy to let go of them.

      So you are hotter, buffer, most established, can provide better (there's that word again!), damn -- he should be chasing AFTER you. Maybe there are other things that makes him reluctant -- cultural differences, he might feel intimidated by your flashy wealth (BMW and all)? Could be other reasons. You still need to get to know him a lot better.

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