This is how I feel at work every day.
I did some measurements on a body composition weighing scale,
Weight: 63.2 kg
Fat Mass: 11.5 kg
Fat %: 18.2%
Muscle Mass: 49.0kg
Weight: 64.2 kg
Fat Mass: 11.9 kg
Fat %: 18.5%
Muscle Mass: 49.6 kg
OHNOESSSS I'm putting on both fat and muscle this is kinda shitty. Gonna cut down on carbs intake and uh...get diet coke for all of my drinks NO MORE COCKTAILS.
I took a break from S. I told him everything I wrote down, and then I spoke with my friends about it. Everyone told me the same thing - forget him. It is not that easy. He has become my best friend. We tell each other everything. It is impossible to break it off completely. Just a day later, I reinitiated contact with him.
Immediately, he apologized and said he realized that he has been completely unfair to me, and he never meant it that way, he's just an honest idiot. I asked him to be completely honest with me, in order to figure out where I stand on the whole matter. He agreed.
Basically, the distance simply would not work. That's what he thinks at least. 3 weeks in July, 3 weeks in August, 4 weeks in January, simply do not add up to much. After he graduates, there is a higher chance of something to happen, since he would leave Amsterdam and go to film academy in either NYC or London, and my dad has offices there, I'll quit my job and join him (if I'm single at that time of course.)
He told me he was very prepared to break up with his bf when he got to Singapore to start his 5.5 month exchange, because he got increasingly annoyed with him, and hardly kept in contact. I only met him during the last 2 months though. He said he started rationalizing that he was going back to Amsterdam anyway, so therefore he feared breaking up with his bf then. He said things would have definitely been different if we met at the start of his exchange. He told me that since coming back, his bf has changed, and has somehow corrected most of his flaws (I call bullshit on that, it's cos he's tryna be hella nice to win him back, d'oh). He also told me that they simply have so many mutual friends; they both sit in the same committees at school, and he also told me that his bf is creatively more similar to him since the bf draws, and he shoots film. I'm like, wow dafuq, I'm a fucking fantastic writer, and I listen to some good ass music. Asshole! But OKAY FINE I'm a finance guy that's true...:o(
I asked him point-blank, if the probability of him breaking up with his bf was very low. His face got really really sad. He took a really long time, and he finally replied me, yes. I then asked him, if he loved me more than he loved his bf, and he paused for a while, looked at me really painfully, and said yes. He said he wanted to kiss me more than to kiss his bf. He also told me that I'm the first guy he has ever felt proud to be walking together with in public.
Then I told him that he has become my best friend over the past two months, and even though he has basically hurtled so much shit and pain and tears at me, he is still the best thing that has happened to me post-coming out. I told him that I'm finally going to accept the fact that we cannot be together, and that I wish him and his bf all the best. Sometimes, love just isn't enough. Cliched, but true. However, I would still like to maintain contact with him, and I'll be going out to gay clubs and bars to hook up with cute dudes, possibly go on dates if I can ever get over the incredibly shitty standard of men in this country, and if I do meet a guy that likes me and I like him back, I'll tell S about him. He smiled and told me that it amazes him how beautiful I am, in every way. It sounds REALLY LAME I know but at that time I had a half-smile.
I also gave him three parting points:
1) To still consider coming to visit in August for a few weeks before school starts, since he misses the food and the weather here, and I know he misses me and I miss him too. There's a four-day long weekend so I told him we can even travel somewhere.
2) If his bf tells him to stop talking to me, he must say no, because he cannot just talk to me and drop me the mo' it isn't cool with his bf because that's gonna hurt me again.
3) To tell me the moment he breaks up with his bf, and that if I'm single at that time, we would give it a shot.
He smiled. I think he is seriously considering 1). for 2) he told me he makes his own decisions, and will not relent to that definitely. I know this is definitely true for now, because he doesn't really love his bf as much as he loves me. I'm hoping that with time if he does love his bf more, I'll have already moved on anyway so I wouldn't mind not talking to him. In fact, he said he doesn't care that I uploaded more than 30+ pictures I took of him while in Singapore. For 3) he smiled and said "of course."
Really, this whole thing is just a wrong place wrong time kind of thing. I left the FaceTime chat feeling pretty happy actually. Although it still seems that all the upside is for him, and all the downside is on me, nobody understands this: I truly, truly fucking love this kid, even with all his goddamn flaws and immaturity. I would give the world to him. I might consider catching a grenade for him too. And really, he keeps me stable whenever things aren't about his bf. Now, I'm really not gonna kid myself anymore that we have a chance.
The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row, it gets farther than ever before.
OK idk what this means, but I came back last night at 4ish am, and I told S to FT, he agreed, and I was sitting there naked, and after talking to him for a while, I told him I was gonna shower, and if he wanted to stay on the line. He smiled and said "you're so cheeky" and said yes. But somehow I started jerking off, and I managed to convince him to jerk off too, and he did like an overhead view of him (like from his perspective) jerking his dick and playing with his balls. Fuck yeah, finally! He has a nice, average-sized dick :o) I shot a pretty nice load, smiled, we air-kissed each other goodnight, I showered, and crashed.
Yikes, we keep having SexyTime instead of FaceTime. I can tell he's totally turned on by me though hehehe, well, what can I say, so far most people have been anyway :P Anyway, idk what this means, but whatever, as long as I don't keep falling further, which I think is impossible since I already truly love this kid anyway.
Thoughts??? Do you guys think I'm digging a grave for myself??? Loads of people are telling me that I won't move on cos I'll be hung up on him and wouldn't be up for meeting new guys. Firstly, not true, I've hooked up with 3 guys ever since he left, and secondly, I honestly don't think I can meet any gay person in my country that would pass my standards. They are all either way too effeminate, or complete assholes. There are a few that are always like "where are the sensible men out there who want a LTR???" Well, men are shallow, I'm sorry you're not that attractive. With this in mind, it's different from my straight guy friends who gave me above advice, because there ARE many girls around who are girlfriend material, but in my books, no gay man I've met so far has even come close to being boyfriend material. So really, no loss for me. If I do meet someone, I'm actually pretty certain that I'll go for it with an open mind, but definitely not as open a heart as I did with S.