I really need to truly start believing in myself. But many times I feel like there is nothing about myself to feel confident about. I just graduated from one of the best universities in the world, and yet I somehow don't really see that as an achievement. Overall I always seem to feel inadequate.
The week back in Chicago was extremely bittersweet. It went by so painfully fast, and I am extremely regretful that I got blacked out drunk the last night I was with my friends and ended up having to be dragged into a cab at 1 am... I didn't manage to meet up with a lot of people too. Everyone was crying at the club Saturday night, one of my best girl friends ran off for a while shouting to me, "I can't! I just can't do this!" It was really sad :(
Graduation was great though. Speeches were so inspiring. My gown is an incredibly handsome color. Everyone looked so fucking good that day, smiling faces brimming with optimism for the future. I was momentarily happy. But it felt odd to me too, I didn't know what the fuss was just because I merely "survived" something.
My parents were so proud of me though. Even my sister was too. They took a lot of pictures of me with my diploma. I went to the graduation ceremony for my program too, of only 40 students, and my dad told me that he was so proud and that I should have told him how big a deal this program was. But the program really started making me feel so unsure about myself, because everyone else in the program is going on to work in the top investment banks or the top consulting firms in the country. And here am I, completely uncertain about what I want to do in my life.
I think I am going to quit my job after my rotation to the property management division in a retail mall for 3 months. It is not for me. I am utterly uninspired. I need to be in a multinational company with vibrant young people around me with positive energy to keep me up. My sister attacked me at dinner one day and I got really depressed after that, that I sat down by the curb and started crying in front of my mom. She told me that I am very needy, and that I can't seem to be alone and always have to be around friends or making new friends. She told me other hurtful things too. I'm not sure why I'm so emotionally vulnerable.
But I really do need to constantly surround myself with people with positive energy to keep myself going on these days. I feel like once I can figure out the career part of my life, I should be a lot surer of myself. My mom told me my brother used to look up to me so much for being so confident and being so good at talking to people. She told me this after we all met up with my dad's really wealthy Chicago friend, and I was really good at keeping the conversation going.
In other news, I met up with the Thai guy in Chicago and he was cute. Made out with three guys that night woops, and pretty sure all 3 sucked me off in the bathroom. I'll tell the story another day, it ended really badly though :(
Chicago boys btw, are fucking hot. They're all fratty and muscly and shit, hot damn.