Monday, June 24, 2013

Uneasiness

Uneasiness - that about sums up how I've been feeling lately. I had a talk with my mom and she said she noticed that I've been a lot less confident in myself ever since junior year, when I got into this rigorous program of my school. She's right. 

I really need to truly start believing in myself. But many times I feel like there is nothing about myself to feel confident about. I just graduated from one of the best universities in the world, and yet I somehow don't really see that as an achievement. Overall I always seem to feel inadequate.

The week back in Chicago was extremely bittersweet. It went by so painfully fast, and I am extremely regretful that I got blacked out drunk the last night I was with my friends and ended up having to be dragged into a cab at 1 am... I didn't manage to meet up with a lot of people too. Everyone was crying at the club Saturday night, one of my best girl friends ran off for a while shouting to me, "I can't! I just can't do this!" It was really sad :(

Graduation was great though. Speeches were so inspiring. My gown is an incredibly handsome color. Everyone looked so fucking good that day, smiling faces brimming with optimism for the future. I was momentarily happy. But it felt odd to me too, I didn't know what the fuss was just because I merely "survived" something.

My parents were so proud of me though. Even my sister was too. They took a lot of pictures of me with my diploma. I went to the graduation ceremony for my program too, of only 40 students, and my dad told me that he was so proud and that I should have told him how big a deal this program was. But the program really started making me feel so unsure about myself, because everyone else in the program is going on to work in the top investment banks or the top consulting firms in the country. And here am I, completely uncertain about what I want to do in my life.

I think I am going to quit my job after my rotation to the property management division in a retail mall for 3 months. It is not for me. I am utterly uninspired. I need to be in a multinational company with vibrant young people around me with positive energy to keep me up. My sister attacked me at dinner one day and I got really depressed after that, that I sat down by the curb and started crying in front of my mom. She told me that I am very needy, and that I can't seem to be alone and always have to be around friends or making new friends. She told me other hurtful things too. I'm not sure why I'm so emotionally vulnerable. 

But I really do need to constantly surround myself with people with positive energy to keep myself going on these days. I feel like once I can figure out the career part of my life, I should be a lot surer of myself. My mom told me my brother used to look up to me so much for being so confident and being so good at talking to people. She told me this after we all met up with my dad's really wealthy Chicago friend, and I was really good at keeping the conversation going. 

In other news, I met up with the Thai guy in Chicago and he was cute. Made out with three guys that night woops, and pretty sure all 3 sucked me off in the bathroom. I'll tell the story another day, it ended really badly though :(

Chicago boys btw, are fucking hot. They're all fratty and muscly and shit, hot damn.

3 comments:

  1. Cheeky King!:

    OMG! Drunken sex again. I'm no psychologist (I told you I'm an accountant) but I watch a lot of Dr. Phil and I'm guessing you need to see a therapist or some sort to get to the bottom of why you seek out thrills; it seems you can't/don't want to really accept who you are, you need alcohol and stuff to let loose. You have low self-esteem and there must be a reason for this.

    You are not a peace with yourself, you seek validation from others and that means, you let other people hold your own happiness hostage. That's not healthy.

    It also seems like when you act confident, you feel like you are just creating an illusion. Perhaps you every reason to feel confident but you have convinced yourself you are not worthy or deserving.

    Part of it could be that you have relied on your parents too much, especially your father's connections rather than seeking out your own path. This is typically asian, but like you said, you might be born asian but you don't feel like it.

    I know I am just guessing at these things, but if you are serious about wanting to change things, you need to take a hard look at your life and where you want to go, and figure out how to get there. That's both for your professional life as well as personal life. You need a plan and goals and not just have random things happen.

    I also think being gay already makes you feel like an outsider from the mainstream, and you admit you don't fit the typical asian mold either. It's still really early in your life, you still can make changes if you really want it.

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  2. the thing is i love being drunk, but not blacked out drunk. it feels so good.

    i do have low self-esteem, and i do need so much validation, and i know its unhealthy, but how does one just...snap out of it?

    and yes, i have relied too much on my parents. it's very difficult to stand on my own two feet. i would like to be able to do that some day, but it'll take time.

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  3. I don't have the answers. All I know is if things are not working out for you, then you have to change things. That's why professional help may provide some insight.

    It is true that success breeds confidence, so as you achieve more, perhaps your confidence will grow naturally.

    I don't think drunken hookups are helpful -- because they are fleeting and unsatisfying. You need to find a guy you can pour your energy into. Someone who will nurture you and make you feel special.

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