Wednesday, July 31, 2013

The thing about N

I am thinking of ending it with N. He has told me another recent ridiculous story, and I told him I can't trust him, and he told me he is going to fly to Singapore on the 7th (even though he is, yes, oddly essentially broke), and that I can verify all truths with his really good friend C. So I did.

The story fits. He did, in fact, wire 550 pounds in 5 transactions to 5 unknown bank accounts last night while he was sleepwalking. Yes, I am not making this up. However, I also asked C about other questions.

I know that he has had 11 girlfriends and 5 boyfriends. He is turning 21. After speaking to C, I now know that for most of the guys before me, he falls in love very fast, breaks up very fast, and moves on even faster.

He is young, and therefore he is rash, fickle, and unstable. I can't be certain how much of his words to me of "you're special" and "but this time it IS different!" has been repeated multiple times in the past (apparently yes).

I was a complete and utter mess after S. It might be better for me to pull the plug now before I get myself way too involved with someone who might just toss me on the sidewalk after a few months. It would devastate me. All over again.

I truly feel very little security now after speaking with C. His words have always reassured me, but how do I know it is not just the fleeting thoughts of his caprices?

It was simply too good to be true. Or maybe in this case, too fast to be true.

Maybe I should just never be in a relationship.

Monday, July 29, 2013

Young and Beautiful

Yeah, I'm blogging shit loads, sorry about that.

I went to the gym after work, and holy smoking shit, my jaw actually dropped when I saw this dude at the chest press machine. 30-35, probably of Middle Eastern descent (reminded me of N ehehe), scruffy, very handsome, and ridiculously built. He has probably 3-5% body fat on him. Incredible biceps, incredibly muscular yet lean shapely legs and real short shorts. Every time he did a rep, and I could see the outline of his pecs pressing against his shirt, my eyes twitched a lil. Absolutely no fucks were given, as I stared this dude down at every chance I got. I even took sneaky ninja photos of him hehehe, but only from the back. Then I actually saw when he left for the locker rooms and timed myself to exactly catch him walking up to the showers in nothing but his briefs and I just stared the entire time at his fucking hot abs. Then I was doing abs and obliques out near the pool on the mat, and beside me this fucking hunky dude was just his shorts. He had an incredible butt, incredible shoulders, chest, biceps, unnnffffff. I took ninja shots too, and sent them to Aussie dude hahah who told me he really wants an Asian boyfriend now (as much as he likes teasing me I'm a bottom slut I tease him for being a rice queen). Then Aussie and I bonded over the fact that I was very thankful he was my first ever hook-up on Jack'd, that he was such a cool chill reg dude who was the 1st dude who I kissed publicly, who sucked me off in my car, who gave me road head, who rimmed me, who I spent more than 1 hour naked with, who worked out with me and kissed me and grabbed each other in the gym, and the 1st time I've ever used lube, and got partially penetrated, and cuddled with a man. He was like, woah! You were so inexperienced?? Haha...yeah I was. I've come a long way, no pun intended. Also, it sounds kinda slutty but actually it really was a lot of cheeky fun hanging out 3-4 times with Aussie dude during his visit to my city.

Btw, this is my story of Aussie dude just to refresh people's memories:

After that this really hot tall white guy with perfect abs walked around the locker room with his boxers and I had a perfect side view of him standing by the weighing scale with the bulge and his sexy chest and I quickly messaged N telling him I'm going nuts seeing all these hot dudes and not being able to fool around with N. I told him to fly over for a week (he's taking a week off work) and I'll pay for half the ticket but he tells me that our relationship is way too young for me to spend 300 pounds on him, plus he really doesn't want to give the impression to anyone that he's just with me for the money. Sweet guy, but I don't know how long I can keep this up without hooking up with nobody. This is why I'm blogging so much too, it's just work, gym and porn for me. Werruuhggghh. There's gotta be more to lifeeeee, yeah like when dafuq is my "boyfriend-to-be" gonna be here goddammit haha

I've told him about the gazillion times I wank a day hahaha. He's like "you're a horny lil slut" and I tell him "you angry bro?" Hee. It's weird cos we call each other dude, bro, but also baby (he does it), and at times babe...which is like, whutttt.

This is N btw, back when I got back at him for taking my shirt off at a gay club, so I...took off his shirt at another gay club hah.

ANYWAYYY, back to what I wanted to talk about. I've realized that I have been insensitive to older gay guys who might read this, as I come across as demonizing them for trawling through Grindr and Jack'd hitting on younger guys. I've had this impression because I assumed that the older you are, the more experience you have with the gay world, and if you're still going on Grindr and all these cruising apps at an older age, that means there must be something fundamental about you that I don't agree with. However it has never crossed my mind that many of these older guys might actually be just like me, new to the gay world, petrified (well, not me anymore) of approaching other guys they're interested in, terrified of rejection, but thrilled by the seasonal menu of sizzling hot young thangs. I've actually been very mean to a few guys, especially this older dude who opened with the line of "I'm looking to lic some cock. Let me know if u're interested" and I went apeshit on him.

I guess many times the delivery of these propositions come across as very distasteful, which turns me off. But I recognize the struggles of older guys, especially the new gay older guys, in a world that is ruthlessly shallow and that worships eternal youth. I'm very lucky to have incredible skin, not lying when I say I'm seriously supple (ah, alliterating alligator) which sounds real gay but it's the truth, it's why I look really young for my age, and will probably look early 40's when I'm in my late 50's. It really reminded me of Lana Del Rey's song for The Great Gatsby:

But in some ways still, as much as I know I'll regret all that I've said once my skin starts sagging and my gut starts growing (karma probably knows my full name, and can probably even pronounce my mandarin name fuck she's good), I think of these two songs:

In all seriousness though, sorry for being insensitive. These are purely just the opinions of one guy, I do not think that everyone (in my age range) thinks this way.

Food for thought

I just had lunch with a couple of male colleagues, who lamented the lack of babes in my company (it's true though everyone looks like a mountain troll no kidding), and who also asked me questions about how many girls I dated in college, since I'm a "charming guy" or whatever (basically, I'm just a lot more social than them haha), and one guy was like yeah was it like 15 girls? Man. Could not be any further away from the truth. This dude who's 29 then told me he'll be waiting for my wedding day, and like in Wedding Crashers, he'll swoop in on all the vulnerable single ladies at my wedding. I told him I wasn't going to get married anytime soon, because I like being single. This other guy then took it to mean that I like having fun, and he told me that I should move to China, because it will be the best decision of my life.

I asked this bespectacled, very nerdy-looking guy why so, and he said because in China I can get as many side dishes as I want and need not worry about getting caught because it's such a big country and cellphones are cheap so I can get multiple to call them on. I told him that isn't my thing at all, because I value monogamy a lot. 

What happened next was very uncomfortable. All of the guys gave me stares with mouths agape, and they asked me if I was being serious, or if I was religious. I said yes, serious, no not religious. And they just couldn't understand it at all. The same nerdy-looking guy told me that maybe it's because I haven't had enough temptation thrown in my face, and he said it's interesting that I think that way. He asked if my parents are very strict with me.

My parents are not at all. In fact, they are one of the least "Asian"/traditional parents in my country. Firstly, in Asia everyone lives with their parents until they get married. For this reason, some of my local friends have curfews imposed upon them (even at the age of 22 and having their own job) for weekends. Some are forbidden to come home at 3 am drunk. None of my friends have ever brought girls/guys home, except long-term girlfriends/boyfriends, and some parents would actually request them to keep their doors open whenever their other half was around.

My mom has driven me out to a gay bar before. We have never been given allowances, only credit cards which are essentially limitless allowances (I know the limit on mine is 50,000$), but every time my brother is thinking of purchasing anything more than 250$, he informs my dad first. My parents have never cared about us coming home late from clubbing, although they do tell us to take care of ourselves and not get too drunk and hurt ourselves. A couple days ago my brother brought a girl home (not a girlfriend) who spent the night over, and my mom actually met and made small talk with her. My parents also know I've smoked a shit ton of weed in college, haha. 

I think the tighter the rein the parents have on their children, the more rebellious and wayward they become. One of my friends whose dad is a pastor, started sneaking out of the house at the age of 14 to go out clubbing. One of my sister's friends whose parents are very Buddhist dyes her hair a million colors, wears studded leather all the time, and gave my sister a very strong banned hypnotic benzodiazepine drug without (exactly) her consent. 

And the other thing is, if my colleagues knew that I'm gay, they'll probably find it even more outrageous. A monogamous gay man? Oh em gee stAHp. You're supposed to cheat all the time and die from HIV by the age of 30! Curiously, even though N and I aren't a couple yet, I've already deleted Grindr, and on Jack'd when people ask me "what u seek" (fucking disgusting word what is wrong with these locals here), I tell them that I'm sorta seeing a guy and say I'm not looking for anything. I caveat all this though, that if a really smoking hot eight-pack bicepy stud mysteriously wants to hook up with me, I'm sorry N but wellll we're not actually dating yet hehe.

What I've learned is that men are generally just slimy lil motherfuckers. So really, these "values" aren't gay or straight at all, it's just whether you're a cheating lil douchebag or not. I would very much like to be a committed boyfriend, and expect the same from my boyfriend too. 

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Video Vixen

Things have gotten a bit weird.

First, I don't think I see a point in me continuing my job anymore. I am considering tendering next week.

Second, N said he will book his tickets tonight after he gets off work, and will go to whichever country that is the cheapest in October, and see me there. He's trying his best to show commitment, which is very nice of him. We have chatted every day, Skyped quite a bit too, even had a cheeky bathroom Skype sesh ehehehe. I find myself missing him quite a bit. Today I also accidentally told him that my mom knows about him, to which he wouldn't let me go until I told him that basically my family knows of his existence and how he looks like. He was really happy to hear that. 

I don't know how things will pan out. My biggest problem with him is really that he is quite immature and not enough of a man. But honestly, he isn't that much younger than me. But also, I don't want to disappoint him at all or give him false expectations. But at the same time, I wonder if I'm really overthinking things. If we date, we date, what's the biggie really? If I keep analyzing everything, I will not experience anything. I should just give it a shot. And I think I'm falling into that trap of being a dick, where when S treated me so badly I just wanted him more, but when N treats me sooo nice I think that it's fake and short-lived and am not really attracted to that. 

Third, a while back when I was in Hong Kong I had a horrible meetup with German dude. I wrote about it here: 

He spoke to me again on Jack'd. I just dished it out to him this time saying he was a racist cunt and I don't get why he was messaging me again. Apparently he went through a really bad break-up (came out of nowhere) and was really messed up and so wanted to hook up although he has never done something like that. Hence the meanness. He apologized and told me not to take it personally, and me being the awesome nice dude that I am, added him on Whatsapp after he asked me to. He lived with his HK bf for a year, and then the guy told him basically to gtfo for no reason, and he was crushed. Now he's in London but going back to HK soon, and thus messaged me. I may, or may not meet up with him in HK. He is a pretty cute guy, 23, and realllyyy big. Hahaha.

Fourth, went out to the "hippest" club in town on Saturday...urgh. I think I'm pretty over clubbing haha, especially straight clubbing. Hong Kong friends came over for the weekend to visit, so being HK international school kids, they wanted to drop some serious cash so we all got bottled service and ended up paying about 1.3k USD hmmmmmm but anyhow, it was a lot of fun with them even though everyone else in the club was old and ugly (I told them that the lyric "You're from the 70's but I'm a 90's bitch" applied so well to us), there was some pole-dancing theme for the night so they hired like 100 uglies to climb the pole and shit and my friends were saying that they looked like dudes and kept shouting PENIS PENIS I SEE PENIS I lmao-ed. We drank, we danced, I came out to more of them, all of them were so chill and happy for me, and I've been showing off N to everyone hah and so far everybody thinks N is really handsome hahaha, which makes me smile :) The funny thing is I was with peeps 20-21, I honestly hang out with so many young kids all the time, I'm not sure if I like a younger or older crowd.

But I got pretty drunk again (I mean we spent so much) and somehow went into homing pigeon mode and bounced and cabbed back without saying bye to the rest lol. The rest went over to another hopping club, I prefer that one instead tbh, it's at a hotel. I drunk-called Aussie and told him to fuck off again, and he was like "Oh no!!! Not this again!!!" and then I drunk-called N and told him that I wanted him to be with me, and if I made out with him I wouldn't be drinking so much, and then I told him he was lying about coming over, and I told him to yes, fuck off too. Lol. He was pissed, but also smiley that in my drunken state I revealed my feelings to him.

Also, I ate a whole box of Tim Tams. Lol.

Anyway, it's a bit odd that I'm quoting an American-born-Chinese straight woman, but I feel exactly like how she does.

I did nothing today but sleep, watch videos, and wanked 3 times. Shit son. Lol. Lazy Sundays I guess.

Here are some cool artistic videos. As I've mentioned, I enjoy solos the most, because I just like checking out dudes. You might find them boring though lol

Aussie dude tells me to stop following unrealistically hot guys on Instagram (I now follow 330) because he says it will make me have unrealistic expectations. Maybe, maybe not. All I know is, I am not desensitized, I just enjoy appreciating the male aesthetic as I've mentioned many times, and I wanna be like them. 

Also, I really hope N and I have a relationship like this:

And that one day I will be like this:

N and I are really on the same page on monogamy, finding a brofriend, checking dudes out, spooning, etc. I should seriously give him a chance. We have talked about hitting the gym together, getting in better shape, and then having some cheeky fun in the sauna/steam room after, which is such a fantasy for both of us. 

Friday, July 26, 2013

YOYAHO and Advice for a Nooblet Bromo

Oh boy. Sooo, I was gonna write a real serious entry reflecting on how things are now, and maybe some guidance for people who might be going through what I went (and still am going) through, but then I saw this:

And then this:

And basically I can't be serious anymore. The second video is particularly intriguing; I went from 'hahaha this is really cheesy...' to 'man I wish I was this sexy, or I had a man this sexy' to 'wait, wtf is going on???' to 'omfg stAHp'.

Just kidding. I wrote it all already bitches. Go on, read my unadulterated wang monologue.

It's Friday night and I'm staying in! Mostly because I went out last night till 3, had so little sleep so I took an overdue nap from 9-12:30 am and thus my friends decided to not meet up too since I was comatose...haha. Last night was incredibly fun. My best bud J of 13 years came back from India (he's working for an investment bank there), and so we all met up for drinks at one of our favorite (straight) pretentious bars. There was J, his hot girlfriend, my other best bud A (also of 13 years), A's college friend, J&A's high school classmate, and said HS classmate's two pairs of gay couple friends. I asked the chick, 'hey are your gay friends sassy bitches?' She laughed and said 'in each couple there is one sassy bitch and one bro-ey dude.' It got me a lil sad tbh, because I want a bro-ey dude, but then I realized...I'm actually quite a sassy bitch ohayyy so fuckitwhatever.

When we all got together at the bar, within the first 30 seconds of introduction, J whispers to me "dude they're so gay." I lol-ed. It was true. They were real sassy bitches. There were moments when I tried to outsass them, but thankfully they weren't offended by it and actually told my friend that they'll like to bring me out gay clubbing some time (they're 30ish).

One thing I've definitely realized in the gay world, being young is definitely a huge perk. Everyone wants to hang out with you, because everyone wants to feel your age. Especially the older guys. Therefore, all I can tell you is, milk that fucking cash cow yo. Hit the gym, YOYAHO (You're Only Young and Hot Once), and get dudes to buy you drinks. Subtle whoring only though, yknow like that oldie song, "I spent my life exploring the subtle whoring that costs too much to be free, hey lady I've been to paradise but I've never been to me." Okay I just realized the song is mad depressing holy shit but you get my point.

It was great hanging out with my best buds again. They're fucking awesome. And I'm glad J's back, even though just for the weekend. We caught up so well. It was so raucously fun. A also spilled on a lot of his girlfriend problems, and we all convinced him he has absolutely no balls and gotta ditch that bitch asap. He has this hot new girl who's after him, so I told him to invite her and her friends and us along to the same bar (cos it's pretentious and they can make fun of it together) and I will be his gaywingman. Theoretically, chick would drop her +25 DEF defense shields once we bond over our love for dudes, and I'll ask her questions about how she feels about my bud who would be standing a couple feet away laughing and looking handsome helping pour the drinks for the rest of the crew, and she'll say some good shit and blahblahblah basically they have sex. Hopefully.

Anyway, SERIOUSLY, I am so happy I am gyroscopically stable once again. I am back to my old cheeky bubbly wildly irreverent self in front of my friends. I am no longer overly man-obsessed, and N is far away enough (plus he works many shifts at the bar he's at so he's mostly not available) that I consider myself single now, and I'm perfectly okay with that. Couple months ago I was wildly searching for boys all the time...but being in my country it was just horrid experiences with Jack'd and Grindr. After going to the U.S. and Europe though, I can safely vouch that Jack'd and Grindr are pretty awesome, since out of the 10 dudes I met up with, I'll say only 2-3 were horrible experiences, the rest was really great fun, The last guy out of the 10's N, obviously.

Seriously. Grindr isn't that sketchy if you know how to filter out the duds, the teasers, and the creeps. The duds are those that will never show their face pics because they're actually horribly ugly, for the Catholic Church (seriously, I got that from this dude in London). The teasers will send you a million pictures of their hot selves, but will never really commit to meeting up, because well, everyone has a life anyway, and sex isn't the top priority. The creeps are...well, just block them.

I have to say though, it's a lot more liberating and easier to put up a face pic on Grindr when I'm "just visiting." Back in my home country now, I've switched it to a torso pic instead, because unlike Jack'd where you can track who views you, anyone can view you on Grindr, so I don't want to be caught by like a colleague or some shit without knowing.

So in this entry, I'll be giving a few tips about Grindr and advice for new guys based on what I've learned so far. I'll like to caveat this whole thing by saying that I speak only from my own experience, it will not necessarily apply to everyone, and also, you might not agree with everything I say because well, I'm incredibly opinionated anyway.

A few tips about Grindr:

1) Go for the younger guys, 20-26. The older the dude, I've realized, the sketchier they are. All they want is to jump straight in bed and fuck. If you think about it, it kinda makes sense, cos the older dudes must have been around for much longer and YET are still cruising for sex on these things...they gotta be slightly sketch. The younger guys are probably fresh and new-ish, and are on Grindr for fun. They are more willing to talk, to grab a drink, and add you on Facebook! Hahahaha.

2) The guys that I met up with were really chill and very masculine, which I thought was rare but trust me, it ain't that rare. What I did was I was one of those douchebags that the campy camp really hates...I wrote on my profile something like "masculine for masculine," but hey it works.

3) Do not feel pressured to send out a p33n pic even if the other party becomes aggressive about it. Just politely tell him that you're "not that kind of person, but am very DTF" or something along that extent.

4) Try and call the person before meeting up, so you can hear the person's voice. It is a very good indication if the dude sounds masculine (if that's what you're looking for of course). One guy I met up with said he was but he really wasn't, and it didn't turn out well.

5) Don't go straight to the guy's place/don't invite the dude over immediately. Meet up somewhere rather public (so if the dude turns out to be a serial killer you have time to plan your escape route), and talk to the guy and get to know him first, and walk towards your final destination. This way you will not feel pressured to continue with the hookup if you are completely not attracted to the dude. How you go about this is by just being honest, "hey so this is going to sound really mean, but I don't think I'm up for anything other than maybe a drink, since I'm pretty tired from [insert excuse]. Nice meeting ya dude" and just BOLT. Lmao. Okay, I've never done that, but I'm pretty sure I'll do that if I meet up with a Grindr dude that ain't working for me.

Also, I haven't been to a gay bar for what, close to 2 months now. That's awesome. And also, porn works for me again! Hhahah. There was a period where I really just couldn't jack off, and wanted to hook up with a guy instead, but now I'm good, which is great, saves me from making rash bad decisions.

Hey dude how's it going
 A couple things I have learned from my journey so far:

1) Your views on a lot of things about the gay world will change. You will slowly realize that sex is not sketchy, it is rather fun and can be potentially beautiful with a loving partner (I don't know this yet but guesso).

2) You will be incredibly boy-hungry when you first come out. It is perfectly normal. Do not kick yourself too much in the face about having "no morals." And trust me, you need to get it out of your system. safe (don't be dumb like me) and have standards, and give those gay apps a go, but frame yourself well to attract the kind of guys you want to attract.

3) You will soon be a lot more accepting of the sassy population of the gay community, and in fact, will join in to be a sassy bitch at times because it's actually really fun and funny. Just try not to be offensive about it.

4) First love frames everything else after. It will always burn with an intense fiery passion, you will be blinded by a lot of things, just remember that first loves rarely ever last (especially if it's a first love for the other guy too), and SERIOUSLY, there will be other 'the ones' later in life, when you and your partner will be a lot more mature to handle a relationship.

We interrupt this program with a special bulletin of
ohHELLyeahbaby it's Mariano Di Vaio!! #havemahbabiezxzkthxbye

5) Blogging helps. However, when you are seriously down in the dumps, I don't think it does. It didn't for me. None of the comments that people left when I felt like shit because of S went into my head at all. I just denied em all. Hah.

6) The world is changing. Your friends will accept you. You probably subconsciously chose all the right people to be in your life all this time anyway.

7) It is not necessary at all to build up a gay support network when you come out. It is however vital to build up a support network when you come out. Keep your straight friends close to you, they will help you through somewhat. However, trust that you can do it alone really.

8) Come out when you are at college, away from family. It is the best time really. Family complicates a lot of things, even if they are ultimately accepting of the situation. When I say come out, I really mean come out to yourself. I didn't accept it at all until I got back home. Big mistake. All of my stumbles and obstacles I faced, my parents either knew acutely or had a clue. Then again, if you don't feel ready to come out, don't I guess. But you really should. There is nothing shameful about being gay.

9) Speed up the process of everything, so you can really become "still the same person as [you were] before." Yes, I'm not kidding hahaha. Recognize you need to go through a lot of things (go to your first gay club, download your first gay app, make out with your first gay man, hook up with your first Grindr bro, etc.) to find your gay identity, and I've read from many blogs that people take so many years to figure the fuck out of everything - just speed through it, but don't come out of it with any permanent damage. Or maybe this applies to just me, because I am always infinitely horny and out of control.

10) It gets better. Trust me.

And because my brain doesn't make any fucking sense, I shall end this post with a quiet nice song (it's 4 am now FML it takes a week for me to get over jetlag...)

I post this for a reason though. This song is one campy catchy tune by Cyndi Lauper, but Greg Laswell owned it and reinvented it.

Reinvent the gay stereotype. Or ohayyy if ya can't beat em, join em!!! xoxo

Tuesday, July 23, 2013


I read through all my entries from the start until end of April. I've definitely grown a lot. It was very interesting revisting the old me. I was really a complete noobcake. Also, "I don't know man, I really had no clue so many people have had so much sex lol." Hah! Clearly I had no clue that I was going to turn into such a sexual tiger. 

Also, I can't even begin to describe how much I'm brimming with optimism for the future. Things have been smashing so far. I have basically chilled fat at home with my brother, we had delicious ramen on Sunday after chilling on the hammock in the garden and my mom getting the dogs to take a dip in our pool. Then I threw out 6 pairs of shoes in the shoe cupboard that I basically don't wear anymore, and gushed like a proper gay man at my new shoes I bought in NYC looking all fucken sexy and shit. Then I went up to my room, packed my shit for work, and then started sulking a bit because I didn't know what to expect when I go back to work after 5 weeks of vacaying around. My dad saw me, and he told me that I can quit right now because he doesn't want me to lose my self-confidence again because he's so happy that I came back so happy. He talked to me about moving to Hong Kong soon, and then finding a job there since he got a really good headhunter for me.

I think I'm pretty set on Hong Kong. I'm sorry, but my motherland really does not cut it out for me. We are an artificial Disneyland paradise, where the food is flavorful, and the people flavorless. Infrastructurally cosmopolitan, but culturally a monochromatic wasteland. Harsh words I know, I am aware I come across pompous as fuck. But the truth is really as such: my mecca of a Westernized Asian paradise (because Asia TRULY is where things actually work, not like everywhere else), a Shangri-La of chilled out Asian dudes and dudettes, clearly does not exist. Every Asian in Asia has their knickers up in a knot. The only way I can seek this Westernized Asian paradise, is if I become a traitorous asshole, and be an expat in an Asian country where I definitely cannot identify with the locals. And that would be Hong Kong, because I don't speak Cantonese, and the expat community there is vibrant and so thoroughly nucleated it shouldn't be difficult. Additionally, I would be away from my parents and hence would be able to breathe, plus since we have an apartment in Hong Kong, I wouldn't need to pay the exorbitant rent and thus Hong Kong would be very affordable for me.

I do hope that as I grow older, my goals in life would be much less self-absorbed. For now I truly am only thinking about myself, and all the fun that I want to have. Hopefully once I've achieved that, I'll be able to grow up (unlike the frat bros I see who at the age of 30 are still playing Bags and drinking Natty light with a backwards trucker cap saying shit like "YEAH UP TOP"), and think about actually contributing to the society, or helping other people, etc. But honestly, growing up in fucking Asia really means I didn't have a lot of fun growing up, and dude I've missed out loads, for example, I've never gone tubing?? Wtf bro? I've also never done freshwater fishing on a boat? What what? Kidding, I doubt most city kids did that in their childhood. All I've done when I was a kid however was rote memorization and regurgitation of exam formulas. :'o(

N said he'll come over to HK with me, if I'm set on HK. He's really such a sweetheart. Not gonna lie, I'm liking him more and more. But still, the cautionary tale of Mr. S looms over me, so yeah I'm not gonna lay all my cards on the table, or expect anything from him. We have been perfectly honest with each other, and he understands my hesitations, and he has been trying to allay them. We've been talking on Skype and Whatsapp all the time actually, it's kinda nice and sweet haha. He's definitely too young though...he's turning 21 in 3 weeks. I feel like a fucking pedobear. 

Honestly, if he really does end up in the same country with me, I'll give dating him a go. I mean, what's the harm? When's a better time to date a cute Middle Eastern guy anyway? He clearly really likes me, he is also obsessed with playing with my body hahaha, he doesn't have any fucking boyfriend in the way, and well, I've made it clear that he's not gonna mooch off me. And I really don't think he'll hurt me at all. But I'll still be careful. I told him though, to fatten up more because he's really way too skinny (2-3% body fat), and to polish up his British accent HAHA, since I think the British accent is excruciatingly sexy, and his accent is kind of blended since he was born in L.A. 

Also, I went to the gym yesterday, and hell yeah baby! Body fat at 15.5%! That's a 3% drop since end of May. Honestly though, I didn't really change anything in my diet, I worked out even less cos I was vacaying, but I did walk loads everyday sightseeing, and I erm, had a lot of sex I guess. And not even buttsekz but like, foreplay is pretty damn exhausting woahh bro. But yeah, I think being in NYC and London for a week each was great because they are two cities where one walks everywhere. Damn dude. Weird but I miss walking in cities. It's too hot here to walk around. Also, there are very few people to check out anyway.

And honestly, I'm not even lying, the dudes in my country are really not very attractive. My friend's theory is because we are mostly from the Southern part of China, which he alleges to be...more chinky-looking, coupled with the humidity here, loads of peeps have really bad acne. I honestly don't know about such a dumbass theory, but whatever, I'm Taiwanese anyway, theory doesn't apply to me. I've turned off Jack'd and haven't logged into Jack'd or Grindr at all. Futile I say, futile.

In other news, Aug 8-11 is a long weekend for us, because it's our Independence/National Day, and being a self-respecting patriot I obviously have to gtfo of my country during this period and chillax hard. At first I was thinking of going up to Brisbane to find Aussie dude and have a lil fun with him, since we still talk a lot (2 days ago), and he got laid off so he's just straight chilling lmao. Now however with the N situation, I probably won't hit up Aussie dude, because I know if I meet up with him we just gonna BWB (bros with benefits) all day. I was thinking of jetting off to some tropical island around, but decided in the end to visit my best bud J in Mumbai! He's working for an investment bank there, and was lamenting to me everyone says they'll visit him in India but no one really does, lol. I'm probably visiting a friend in Chennai too; he is relatives with the richest family in India, maybe I'll get to see their US$1 billion mansion in Mumbai if I'm lucky haha. 

Also, being back at work sucks. My orc-lady of a boss is still ignoring me completely, plus she's always out at meetings, so I haven't been doing anything. It has been fun catching up with the coworkers though, all of whom were teasing me about smoking too many joints in Amsterdam (which I did not go to) or banging too many chicks in nightclubs (yeah...completely off there), and I brought some chocolates that...were gifted to my dad by his Japanese bosses or something lol, since I forgot to buy shit for them from Europe my b. They also want me to hold a BBQ at my place two Fridays from now, which is hilarious, because I know I'm going to quit for sure. 

I'm in a much better place than I've ever been this year, and I'm really glad I managed to pull through. It definitely does get better.

[edit: Holy. OK. My dad has, as usual, decided things for me. He has booked a lunch appointment with the Chief Investment Officer on Aug 13th to tell him "sorry, my son is moving to HK thnks fr the mmrs." Essentially, I would have to quit after that. Which is stupid, because if I quit before that, I would be able to do a much longer trip to India. But yeah, I guess that's it really. It has been decided.]

Saturday, July 20, 2013


It's 4:15 am in the motherland, where the food is flavorful and the people flavorless. I really do hate jetlag.

Well, all I wanted to say is, I received such a nice heartfelt email when I touched down from a reader of my blog and it made me smile so much. It was very nice also to Skype N for a bit just now; he's coming out to one of his best friends as I type this. Things have definitely gotten a bit serious, we both cried at the airport, he was bawling like a baby though, I was erm...slightly better. Haha. He also tells me he is almost definitely going to move to my motherland in October...we'll see about that. Not holding out for anything, definitely.

I had such a warm welcome when I got back to the house. My two dogs basically jumped on me and stuck their tongues down my throat!!! Hahaha. I missed them and they sure missed me! It's been great being back with my family too. They're all happy that I'm back to my bubbly self again, and I think it really shows how stressed out they were that I was such a mess before. I spent a solid 2-3 hours chilling in my bro's room while he played some FPS game and I played some Japanese RPG on the PS3 called Wrath of the White Witch. Hahaha...Saturday night videogaming...boys will be boys. Also, apparently my sister told the folks about N, and it's really weird because my 'rents gushed to me at the airport that they think he is very handsome, and that this one is a keeper! LOL? Awkward much? Apparently back when my sister was a freshman, she was showing some pictures from school to my dad and my dad saw this guy in her picture and said "hey this guy is good-looking why don't you go for him?" Wellll turns out the dude went for her brother instead wahahaha shit son this is just weirdly hilarious. 

I think when things settle down a bit on Sunday I'll spend a bit of time reading my previous entries, to see how much I've changed and (hopefully) grown for the better. It should be a powerful thing, revisiting my previous self.

I've also finally replied S' email. Huzzah!

"Hey S,
Thanks for checking in! I'm doing great!
Although your email was probably a one-time thing of such a nature, however I would think it's best if you don't send me such emails in the future. Since you didn't give me a chance, it's over, and there really shouldn't be any overhanging feelings between the both of us.
And really, trust me, I haven't been waiting  You'll still always be my first love though.
When are you back from China? If I've got the time we can catch up.
Yeahyeah I know, I added the "first love" bit just to fuck with him hahaha, but he deserves it!
Alright bromos, off to bed now. 

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Like the ceiling can't hold us

What's cooking fellow sassy gay bitches uhuh uhuh whuddupppp sistasss

Things have been VERY strange lol. But fun. But don't worry, I haven't gotten my head deep into this at all. I'm safe guys, I'm safe!!!

So I went with N (ISAD guy, decided to give him an initial instead), to his company's family day event. I had no clue that his company was actually pretty big, so the family day was a big affair with bouncy castles, electric bulls, and all sorts of food. It was in this really pretty garden called the Inner Temple Gardens. I had so much fun. He introduced me to his colleagues, including his rice queen French boss, we drank loads of wine, took silly pictures with silly prop hats they provided, and actually kissed quite a bit in public...for family day that was kinda weird. He loves to PDA. He tells me he has never done this with any of his exes, but me. We even went in the bouncy castle for a bit and grabbed each other's cocks for a bit lolll

Then we went over to Hyde Park with a picnic mat and slept there together. After that we had dinner at this gimmicky Asian restaurant that had projectors and everything onto the table, and he paid for the meal (72 quid, ain't cheap...) even though I vehemently told him to split it.

Basically, after that, he has been sleeping over at my place almost every single day. We have been sleeping so little, since he keeps wanting to cuddle and shit, so I have been ill with a viral sore throat and shit. London is also super warm right now. We have hung out almost every day, and bit by bit, he has told me about his ludicrous life, and I have met his friends. We had another picnic at Hyde Park with this absolute Italian bombshell colleague of his, and this other Asian girl from my country who also knows my sister. This is why I avoided studying in London, teeming with Asians from my country here! It's so difficult to start afresh.

I don't even really remember what we did. But most of the time, he would tell me about things about his family. His dad sounds like he has a mental condition. Apparently he believes in the make-or-break thing, and thus is leaving N to make it by himself, or break down completely. Now he helps out paying the bills around the house, after his dad divorced his mom. It's weird. His dad has also always been really hard on him, just like mine has. And N has said so many things to me, that has made me extremely uneasy, because it brings back the ghost of S.

A few nights ago we decided to stay in instead, after failing to go to a gay bar with a double-date (his Asian best friend and his 35-year-old date...holy shit that's old!!!), and we decided to watch Anastasia since we were talking about Disney films (I know, Anastasia ain't Disney), and I was telling him how back in kindergarten I wore a seahorse costume as the emcee for our Little Mermaid theme and had to sing "Under the Sea" and shit hahaha, and he said his favorite song was from Anastasia, and I sang the song I guessed was his favorite, and it really was. Not difficult I guess.

I love this song. It's haunting and so epic. And it really reminds me of the magical age of my childhood. I'm so glad I'm a twenty-ish year-old guy that managed to still watch all these great cartoon films when I was a kid. I think it's incredibly weird if I grew up in the late 90's or 00's where I had to watch movies like Cars or whatever, it has lost a certain magical touch.

We took a really long time before we actually got down to watching it, because we first tried having sex (lol), then gave up, then he started talking a bit more about his dad again, and then I asked him, out of the blue, what he whispered to me at the park during the Family Day event, and he told me it doesn't matter. After more prodding, he told me, tears rolling down his eyes, that he thinks he is falling for me.

Poor boy. Really. It feels awfully suspect I know, within such a short period of time, but he really does seem genuine. But honestly, I like him, but I don't have feelings for him, so this time I am completely safe. And really, it reminds me so much of the whole S situation, and it pained me a little, to realize that N is the then me, and I'm now S in this case. He has talked about how he hates London, and wants to move to a country far away from his parents, and have been thinking country or Hong Kong. And he said this has been set in motion way before I came into the picture.

He cried so much. Poor boy. All I could do was to tell him he's such a sweetheart. He grew jittery the next day and asked me how I felt about him etc, since I seemed a little emotionally distant. I was very honest with him, and told him I like him, but I don't think I have developed feelings for him as the time is way too short. Also, I cannot promise him anything because even if he does move to my country, how can we be sure we will feel the same? After telling him all that, I realized I was a complete fool with S too, because all the reasons I cited were probably the same reasons he was thinking about. I told S that he could come to my country to find work, but yeah, what if we don't feel the same way anymore?

Anyhow, N has basically become my weeklong boyfriend. It is kinda funny, kinda heartbreaking, and also just kinda nice. He showers me with so much attention. It is quite a good feeling not gonna lie. I slept over at his place last night after we had dinner with (ugh what a weird group of friends), a friend of mine that I have not caught up with for a very long time because a few years ago he was staying at my place in Hong Kong and I was a young and vile brat, and told him that he is "of no use to me in the future," and he equally childishly moved out in the middle of the night; N, and this girl friend of his who's a fellow "model" or whatever who became slightly obsessed with him and then went ballistic thinking she was being played when he told her that he's actually gay and that he's been hanging out with me. However, things were all pretty civil. She wasn't mean to me or anything, in fact she told me a lot of things about how N told her that he doesn't think he can find anyone else like me, because I'm really special to him (I said that about S too to R...), etc. Then we all went out to three gay bars after, and it was a lot of fun. N and I basically walk in these places and start making light-hearted fun of the campy queens around us (no real hate though), and we both put on our best "OMG sassy bitchesssss" twerking poses and shit it's hilarious, and then after that we would like make out for 10 seconds to which my friend would go "ahem hi guise I'm still here" hahaha.

I do however have many reservations about him still. Firstly, he is young and immature. He's 21, and the way he talks about a lot of things reflect a certain lack of maturity. It is very obvious to me. Secondly, I am still not exactly certain if I am attracted to him physically. He is certainly not ugly at all; in fact he has many suitors, but I think it's his immature mannerisms that make me feel he's not really a man but still a boy. Maybe he'll grow into things a couple years later. He's also terribly skinny; and though he has a six pack and everything he's still really skinny because he's so tall. He has 2% body fat for a 6'2" frame!!! Thirdly, he is equally as arrogant as me, however just like me and S, both of us who also had really strong personalities, I gave in most of the time to S, and N gives in most of the time to me.

This is on his bedroom door...what a straight guy lol...

Oh and yeah, my results came back, I am clean!!! FUCK YEAH BABY I can bang errbody now. Kidding. My manwhore phase is honestly pretty much over, my boner has been mad chilled yo. Or maybe it's because I've been hooking up with N so much anyway...there was once he busted all over my chest and it was the biggest load I have ever seen in my life. There was seriously so much. Stuff was on my chin, my arms, even a bit on my hair. Today I also busted in his mouth while face-fucking him while looking in the mirror (Holy fuck I am an American Psycho) and he swallowed my load whuttttt. I've never even done that haha (neither has he).

He also showed me pics of his exes, or people he used to hook up with...holy fucking mackerel??? They are literally all six-pack god-like models. He said he met them all through modeling. OMFG. They are seriously super hot, it made me wince a little like "fuck why can't N be as hot as them" hahaha. When I told him that it's kinda ego-crushing to try and compete with that, he told me "well sue me if I've decided that personality is way hotter than looks!" And I guess that's personality is maaad fucken sexy bro. Grarrrll...I'm a feral tigah yo.

These are purportedly his exes, with heads cut-off for identity protection purposes d'oh. Although...if you email me I can show you their faces hahaha.

Yo wtf right?? Damn dude...I need to hit the gym :/

Anyway, that's basically it. It has also been very nice catching up with my other friends, all of whom tell me that my sassy gay bitch impersonation is ace (I might wanna make a video some time and omg, yall gonna lurvvv it babes!!!) and I also met up with my really ridiculously hot English friend who I went prawning with a few months ago, UGH y he so sexy but straight??? One of the many mysteries of life...

Tonight is R and my last night in London. Sadly, it's only a Thursday night, so things prob ain't gonna go too crazy, but it'll still be fun I think. I am actually mad exhausted because I haven't been sleeping much and been going out every night, but everything will blow over when I snap back to reality, OH there goes gravity, OH there goes rabbit he choked!

Monday, July 15, 2013

Sexual health clinic experience & London so far

Sup broskis? Hope everyone's doing swell, or "grand" in UK terms. It's 3:10 am now in London (I'm essentially nocturnal), and ISAD is sleeping outside on the futon (I told him I cannot sleep with him on the same bed with me because I'm a light sleeper, but the truth is he just wants to cuddle and kiss and play with my nipples way too much that I can't sleep at all), and I've time to update a little. As usualll, I'll do it chronologically. Gonna be a long ass entry. I was wondering if I should put pictures to make my blog seem less...verbose. My entries are always so long, I wonder if most people just tl;dr them, which would make me sad! goes.

So I decided to go to the sexual health clinic here in London on Friday for 2 reasons: 1) I am a visitor, so complete anonymity, 2) it is free, fuckyeahwelfaresystem. I (regrettably) had unprotected sex June 27, so I thought two weeks was enough to get the antibody antigen test. I filled out a form, sat there in the waiting room with a whole bunch of varied men - some old, some young and preppy, some clearly sassy bitches, etc. Turns out the window for the test is 4 weeks, so unless 4 weeks has passed, a negative result isn't comprehensive. The health advisor was really kind, and spent about an hour talking to me, explaining to me things about STDs and HIV, stuff I never gave much attention to in the past. She even taught me how to put on a condom on this gigantic dildo lawl. Yes, I've never actually put on a condom before; it has always been the other guy who puts it on me (and wastes it anyway since I go all floppysealmode) or on himself. Then she gave me loads of free lube and condoms, a couple brochures, and then I went to another room to do the full sexual health checkup. All in all, it was quite a cool experience really. She assured me that I probably didn't get anything since the guy didn't jizz in me, nor was it for a very long time nor was it rough, so yeah. She also said it's a 1 in 90 chance to get HIV when one bottoms. I'll know my results (hopefully) on the 17th/18th before I fly back.

Then I went to the gym after that and it felt so good to be back in the gym. Couple of hot eye candies too. Going to the gym makes me feel like I'm normalizing my life, and psychologically makes me feel like I'm doing something positive.

Then I headed out to meet R at this gay club where we had free entry cos we signed up on Grindr. Lmaoooo. Place was total shit even though reviews on Yelp made it seem like some kind of gay banker paradise, I even wore a blazer but uh-uh, only sassy bitches errwhere! Hahaha okay, no offense. Then we waited outside, and ISAD came and joined me.

Because he slept over the night before and went straight to work after, he was still wearing the same thing as I saw him on Thursday. We then decided to go to...Heaven. Basically, the most famous gay club in London. I've been there only once before, and I had to wait in line for 1.5 hours. This time though, the line was much shorter (we got in immediately).

It was here when things got a little chaotic. R had 3 other friends with him, a straight all-American boy from Kansas, and two girls (one had a bigass booty where two Sassy Gay Guys were all like "ohhhhhh daymmm gurlll look at dat bootay!!!! Uh-uh honey I gotta take a photo of dat" - actually tbh, I do not know how Sassy Gay Brit Guys speak...woops my b), and because ISAD had to coat check his bag and my blazer, we got separated. So the whole night was essentially just me and ISAD making out everywhere, he holding my hand everywhere we went, him taking my shirt off in the club, and then trying to find R to no avail, so we finally ended up on McD's where I fucking wolfed down a fillet-o-fish and five chicken strips mothercow!!! Finally found R, got back in, danced for a bit, then the club closed at 4 or 5. Told R he could crash at my place, so R, ISAD, and I took a bus back to my place, and R slept on the futon.

ISAD again could not let me just sleep. He wanted to fool around a bit in bed, and I was like...bro I am fucking exhausted. So we slept at 6 am, and by 8 am, HE WAS KISSING MY EARS. Wow dude. However, he actually got me really fucking horny by his intense nipple play (seriously my nipples were sore after), so we just _had_ to bust a load each that calm Saturday morning. He wanted us to shower together, I told him I was gonna go back to bed, and so he left.

I ended up getting a really bad sore throat and a slight fever from not being able to sleep enough the previous two nights. It was horrible. I felt like death. So far I have drank 5-6 sachets of brown sugar ginger tea, took loads of Strepsil lozenges, gargled saltwater, and still. Throat hurts like a ratchet lil bitch. He texted me that afternoon and was like, yooo so what we doing tonight? wanna get dinner then go out, or stay in cuddle and watch a movie? I told him, hey dude, let's not meet up tonight, because if you sleep over three nights in a row, still wearing the same shirt, I'll probably not even want to touch you. He was kinda slighted by that, but agreed and backed off and didn't text me the whole night.

Thinking I was free now, R made plans to go out to the same club again, this time with our mutual girl friend, M. M has spent a month in London just traveling Europe, and meeting up loads of dudes on Blendr. Holy shit. She is the female version of me. Hahahah. Anyway, I asked R if he really wanted to, cos it was drag night, and he said "I'm pretty sure very few people will adhere to the theme."

Well boo-fucking-hoo R, but it was a horrible night. Music started off perf at first, with dubstep remixes of T-Swift, Katy Perry, etc., but then drag queens started popping up everywhere. There were balloons being released from the ceiling, then loads of confetti, and then bam, some queen was singing really badly on the stage, and after that the DJ played some really bad 80's music. This went on for a while, plus I kept getting bumped around by gum-chewing dudes wearing silver spandex leggings and a fake wig with shades YET with a beer belly and facial hair (I was so thoroughly confused), so by 1 am we called it a night. Finally had a good night sleep that night, but not enough still though, as I had to get up early-ish as I was ISAD's +1 to his company's BBQ.

This entry is long enough already, so I'll end it here, but yes I know I'm a little nuts for still hanging out with ISAD (in fact we hung out from 10 am Sunday to 3 am), but he's actually a real dece dude. A whackjob with a real messed up life, but still dece bro. And it also made me realize, that this is exactly the same situation of S and I, except this time I'm the S (harhar), and he's the...I. He's trying so hard to please me, and he's always holding my hand, and sharing bits of his personal life, and I'm a bit reserved and withdrawn, since I know this is wrong since I'm gonna be leaving soon. He even told me something that night that I have told S before. He told me, "isn't it easier for you anyway, to like someone who likes you more than you like him?" It's really strange now that I am at the receiving end of getting chased; I actually feel emasculated and I realize that is what bothers me more than anything else. I feel like I should be the one paying for the dinners, and leading the way and making decisions, and yet he's the's strange.

I'll talk more about him in the next post.


Man. I want a relationship like that!

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Mariano Di Vaio

I didn't want to make a post since I've been blogging too much too fast, but I don't know where to begin with my mancrush on Mariano Di Vaio. I'm a huge fan of the dark-haired, brooding kind of guys, hence Italians and Spaniards particularly hit the sweet spot. This dude is probably the sexiest man alive, although Matt Bomer is definitely the sexiest gay man alive still, don't worry I haven't forgotten my Bomerboner.

Look at those coiffured tresses. What an unbelievably gorgeous head of hair! Although I think it is hilarious he calls this a tutorial of "I am fixing my hair," and yet it's just a hairstylist who basically just blow dries his immaculate mane with no mention of products and shit, this video is definitely worth watching, in a very shallow idolatry sense.

Rewind 2 - The day I was a straight bro again

The day after SAG wanted to stay in the hostel and be by herself. She must have been so traumatized by the incident, I felt so bad for her. Initially I offered to stay with her, but she told me that she wanted to be alone, and that she'll be fine by herself. So I decided to head down to the beach with a few of my hostel mates.

I think I've been hardcore with this whole gay shenanigans that it's been so long since I've been a "straight bro." It felt very, very good. In my beach group there were two Danish, one Austrian, two German girls, and five Canadian guys. Everyone was super friendly, and I talked to them about Singapore, learned a bit about what they do (everyone's in college or -holy shit- high school) on the way there. At the beach we just chilled (or sizzled rather) in the Lisbon heat, and I checked out all the dudes there. Damn son. Some dudes were smokin hot. In my group itself one of the Danish guys had an incredible body (solid obliques), was at least 6'2", and looked basically like a Nordic model. There was also a Canadian guy who got along with me really well, and he had a smashing body I had to wear my shades and discreetly check out his bod all the time hahaha I'm a perv I know I know. We played beach volleyball (what? I don't even play sports), checked out girls (loads were topless), etc. Then they asked me things about what sports do I play, what sports do I watch, who's my favorite tennis player, and I basically had to fake being a bro into sports. Lol. I don't know what it is, but I find sports infinitely boring...nevertheless, it was mad chill hanging with them.

After dinner with SAG, I got back to the hostel and about 15 of us (joined by a couple French-Canadians, one really pretty Aussie girl, and staff) sat outside the porch and passed a joint around by this really handsome but daft Brazilian stoner dude. He sold his car (5000 usd) prior to his Eurotrip so he could buy weed. Lol talk about being an addict!! He also smoked 10 gs of hash in 2 days...w t f. It was hilarious listening to his broken English combined with his stoner attitude about life ("I like Eminem a lot more than the other rappers who sing about Lamborghini or champagne...Eminem is real, he raps about beating people up" "Wtf?? And that is better???" "Yeah, beating people up is real life!!! Everyday people get beaten up") Then we all headed out to the bars, listened to a couple of live bands, and then Brazilian guy and I headed back together. The Danish duo missed their train the night before, and the hostel was fully booked, so they actually slept in a park...holy shit. Apparently most of their trip they have either done overnight trains, or slept in tents, or slept on the streets with hobos. This European way of ghettoing it hardcore is something that I definitely can never do.

Then SAG and I took a bus and got to Porto, north of Lisbon. This time I booked a proper guesthouse, and it was fucking fantastic. A/c, good clean rooms (only 2 beds), ensuite bathroom, minimalist design (guest house is actually curated by architects and museum aficionados), and it was still mad cheap at 25 euros/person. Isn't that amazing??? Breakfast was great too. I was so happy, what a comfortable bed.

Porto is amazing. I love it. It's a port town, so there's a river right in the middle of it, and it's so amazingly beautiful. Everyone here is nice, and actually Portuguese, unlike Lisbon teeming with tourists. This is why I like smaller cities, it's a lot more quaint and personal. SAG's spirits were significantly lifted, because food here was awesome (no longer salty), and the sights were good, and the weather was PERFECT (not too hot in the day and not too cold at night), and I could start joking with her and stuff so I was really happy the trip was salvaged. Thankfully, all her photos were saved via Photo Stream, and so the memories weren't lost. Also, it was funny because she had to start using her iPad 3 to take photos, and it was embarrassing because we looked like fobs hahaha.

I hooked up with a Portuguese dude that night also. It was bad. I got pressured into doing anal again. Gah. Whaatttt is wrongggg with me. Also, I really realllyyy realllyyyyy do not like hooking up with older guys. They jump straight into the sex without communicating at all. I fucking hate that. This was the last hookup that I swore to myself, that I am no longer doing anal with strangers. His room was also fucking sauna-like, and he had such a thick beard and was 30, and ugh I felt really whorish so I couldn't wait to gtfo. He went out for a smoke and we talked for a bit, and he asked me a bit about what happened just now (basically, I couldn't get hard to top, and I hated to bottom for him too so it didn't last long), and I told him how I feel like anal is a lot more intimate and I need to be able to have an emotional connection with someone to properly let myself relax and enjoy it. He dismissed me and said that I am thinking too much.

This was definitely the last tick for me. After that I didn't really check Grindr anymore, because I started to feel rather desensitized and disillusioned by the whole thing. Not that it affected me a lot, I just went about life as usual. But yeah, further reaffirming within me again that most men are not worth it, and from now on, I'm just gonna say 'no, I'm leaving.' And yes, I know I'm big-headed, but I really deserve a lot more than these people. I'm a lot better than that.

The next day we went to Sintra to visit the castles there. I finally found myself not checking Grindr or Jack'd anymore, and just checking out good-looking men purely to appreciate their aesthetics. I felt good and proud about myself to be honest. I probably will never be able to stop checking guys out, but it's not like it's a bad thing anyway. The castles were beautiful, and SAG and I did quite a bit of tourist photo-taking, and hiking (mad amounts of walking). It was a lot of fun. She would also be playing a lot of inane games on her iPad it was adorable.

She also told me she hasn't had sex for a year, and according to her friend, one becomes a born-again virgin if there is a 6-month intermission of sekz. Lmao. She also was having her period (omfg she told me nasty things, like how the blood some times clot up in hence it is necessary to shave during a period I was like WTF YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT to which she cackled and said I deserved it since I talked to her about buttsekz and she was so grossed out hahaha), so maybe that's why the first couple days she was "jealous" in a way that I was so vehemently checking out dudes.

Anyway, that's the end of my Spain and Portugal trip. Looking back, it was a lot of fun. It was also definitely a great way to get over S. I have learned that there are plenty of gorgeous gay men out there, and if shit ain't happening for me in my motherland, imma move to one of these countries (especially after they go bankrupt yo I'll be livin the life hahaha I'm evil) and just claim my niche market. Hehe just kidding. Half-kidding.

Rewind - Memoirs of a Geisha

(this was written from before)

I am typing this out on my iPhone at the Lisbon airport but I can't log on to the wifi at all after trying for 30 minutes because basically only half of all things work in this country. Seriously, the train ticket machine has eaten up my one euro coin and a ten euro bill too. I fucking went mental and shouted FUCK FUCK FUCK THIS at the station and hailed a cab instead. That's one thing I've learned; I cannot live outside of Asia because Asia works. The rest of the world just doesn't. Period. #haughtyasianproblems #hatersgonnahate

So many things happened. I shall start with my first day in Lisbon. When my friend (I'll call her SAG for Small Asian Girl) and I got to our hostel I had a really bad feeling. Firstly, although it was located really close to the busiest district in Lisbon, there were multiple flights of stairs off the beaten path with graffiti and the smell of piss everywhere. I strongly dislike graffiti because it makes the place immediately very ghetto-looking. When we got to the hostel, I asked the receptionist if there was a/c in the rooms. She said no. 

This was when my spidey sense kicked in and I knew I had to gtfo of this place stat. At its hottest, Lisbon was 43 degrees Celsius. That is just mindblowingly sweltering. No a/c? I'm sorry this place immediately sucks already. I told SAG that we should only pay for one day and then find another place with ac and she said no let's just stay here for all 3 nights. I was 

The thing is, SAG ain't well off, and at first although I offered to pay for all her accommodation so she didn't need to spend so much (plus I was initially traveling alone, which meant I would have paid that amount anyway for hotels) but she declined it and told me we can just stay in cheap hostels instead. This is the first time in my life that I've stayed in a backpackers hostel. I've generally avoided these as I thought they would be extremely uncomfortable. I relented, and thought that okay this could be an adventure for my pansy butt. 

Lisbon is filled with homeless people, and people trying to sell you hash on the street, or people trying to sell you fake shades, or people trying to sell you Colgate (I don't get it). Generally, nothing in Lisbon made sense to me. The thing about European cities are, they're all just filthy to me. The graffiti and the homeless, the unemployed youth and the prostitutes, they all make me really uncomfortable. I've been in this fake bubble of a Disneyland of my country, everything else seems so nasty to me. I did not enjoy Barcelona, Madrid, Paris, Brussels, and now Lisbon. However, I've thoroughly enjoyed Seville, Valencia, and now Porto. Other major cities that I really liked that are an exception are Amsterdam, Rome, London, and Prague. 

Anyway, food sucked in Lisbon, everything was salty. People in general however, spoke more english which was good. The sights in Lisbon were also kinda meh, along with Portuguese boys... Sure there were really hot guys but not with the same frequency as in Seville. Plus with the heat, everything just irritated me. After the first night, I was about to shank some bitch. It was like trying to take a nap in a steam room. I took 4 showers in a day. 

However, I received even more messages in Lisbon than in Seville, probably because it's a bigger place and it was gay pride weekend. It is extremely intriguing for me because many guys message me telling me that I'm the "most beautiful Asian" they have seen. I'm not even kidding. It's hilarious!! I asked one dude about whether it's because they hardly see Asians around, and he said "of course we do but none as handsome as you." LMAO!! These kids haven't seen enough Asians for's laughable they think that way but works in my favor I guess. 

First night SAG and I went out to have dinner at a crappy place called Super Mario where everything was caked in salt, but the table beside us was loud and raucous and the girl beside me talked to me and she was so nice. That's the thing though, Portuguese people are fucking nice. They were a group of nurses that just graduated and were celebrating. However, she told me in their group of 20, everyone is cautiously celebrating because none of them have jobs. Portugal after all is part of the PIGS. It was rather bittersweet. 

Then we went off to try some ginginha which I have no clue what it is but it's some cherry liquer shot that was pretty good and was only 1.5 euros so yeah. And then we went off to the famed bar street in Lisbon and I was thoroughly confused by everything. It was just a long ass street of bars too tiny and hot to have people inside, so everyone spills on the street, and there is hardly any music, and people are just drinking and smoking. We went into one bar and the music was very Latino, which I'm not hating on, just ain't really my jam. Then two black guys came over and talked to us, and told us to come with them to a club they were going to. I went with them and found myself taking absinthe shots at the behest of this Turkish guy who came up and talked to me. We exchanged numbers and he told me to add him on Facebook and Whatsapp so I can tag along for any Erasmus (EU study abroad) parties. I really wanted to go with them because he's cute and Erasmus?? I love Erasmus dude! But SAG didn't want to go for those parties, she says that it's dumb that these Westerners come on holidays and just party and go to the beach all day and see nothing of the city (exactly what the two Danish hotties in my dorm did for three days straight - btw they're really hot, like model hot)

The thing about SAG is, she toned down her partying ways a lot. She used to be my basic bitch (lolol my slang getting gayer yo) for parties but no more after sophomore and junior year. I also know she has had a horrible year doing her masters in Paris because she told me how she cannot get along with Europeans for the life of her, especially the haughty French. 

Later we went on to another club, and these absolutely adorable cuties came to talk to us and got us to salsa with them. And I love Latino names, they're awesome. They salsaed with her and I was so jealous hahaha cos the guy was really hot. He even gave her a smooch on the cheek in the end. 

Then we headed home. I took a shower, and headed out to meet a guy...haha. 26 year old Brazilian masters student in pharmacy. He spoke good English, and was very polite and good with pleasantries. After walking a bit on the street though, he smiled and leaned in and we made out for a bit. Got back to his place, and bam. Hook up lol. He was a great kisser. Super soft lips, and he ate some mint so it was tasty too haha. And man...great churrascarria. Hahaha. He wanted to you know, do it, but I told him no. The weird thing was he doesn't go down on guys, and only tops...but loves to rim. I just don't get it. That's just like Aussie, I guess some guys are just sooo "top." Anyway, it was fun. He was pretty cute too, had a nice cheeky smile hehehe. 

The next day SAG and I did more sightseeing, and by nightfall we were pretty excited to go to the gay pride party. We had dinner at a place with tolerable sodium levels, and had 2 liters of white wine there. This was where we had a heart to heart talk, and I cried a little when she went to the bathroom. 

She told me that I've gotten a lot more self absorbed after coming out, and many times when she strikes a conversation with me I get distracted by a hot guy and she just rolls her eyes and thinks I'm not listening to her. The thing is I am. I just can multi task pretty well haha. But I get what she means. She told me that she knows that this is my initial coming out phase, but if this continues forever she's just not going to talk to me when she returns to the motherland...which made me really sad. It seems like quite a few people think that I've changed after coming out. Honestly the only change I see is that I've become freer. Both in thought and in actions. But freedom of thought and action might not appeal to all. The other thing is, she is oddly asexual. She doesn't find many people attractive, and loves to only check out girls and envy their hotness. I told her it's kind of the same for me, that I envy them and wanna be like them but it so happens that I also can want to be with guys. She also definitely prefers Asians, since all her exes are all Asians, and I know she disagrees a lot with western culture and the western "hegemony." 

Anyway, two liters was definitely enough to get me tipsy. I wasn't drunk, I'm not sure if she was. We got to the gay outdoor festival and there were very few good looking people around. I was very disappointed. The drinks were good though, but in general I don't like sweet things so the caipirinha was omfg diabetic. A couple guys came up to talk to me but told me they were straight and I was like honey you ain't fooling no one with your princess pointing. This is when a gay man wants to point out something and extends his hand in this delicate index-extended way with a slight lowering of the hand pivoted on the wrist at the end. Does that make sense?? I think you get my drift though. He was princess pointing my grindr on my phone and saying "ooh who you looking for." I got back to SAG and she was like, "do you want me to go back first I feel like I'm cramping your game if you want to hook up with a guy" and I said no I'm staying with you! And we danced for a bit. As we were walking towards the front of the stage again, I notice this guy from earlier who was yet again smiling at me with his sexy brooding eyes. He was tall and had a buzz cut underneath a baseball cap, and was with a girl and a short effeminate shirtless guy. He came over to talk to me, and I smiled and we started talking. In my head I was thinking "holy shit why is such a hot guy talking to me?" Apparently later on he would tell me he messaged me on grindr first and so recognized me in the crowd. I said, how is that possible to find me in the crowd?? And he's like, I recognize you because there were not other Asian as beautiful as you there. Dude. Broken English is actually really adorable haha. We wanted to make out for a bit, so he drags me to the side of the stage, and told SAG to stay with his friends. I told her the same. She told me that it's fine and she's gonna go home. For some reason, I said okay, I'll see you tonight. 

Turns out that was one giant fucking mistake. I went to the side and he was a great kisser. People were hooting at us it was kinda funny. I took a piss, got back and she was gone. Then, Bad Boy Spaniard wanted to find some ecstasy...I just tagged along with him and actually considered trying it. We found nothing though. Got back to the party, and the girl wanted to leave. The short effeminate guy stayed behind. He was snarky towards me. So BBS and I walked his friend home...for 45 minutes holy fuck. However along the way we made out a bit, had a beer from a convenience store, and grabbed each other a lil, all while his friend was beside us! So hot I love PDA. after dropping his friend off, we went to a dark area and he leaned against a car and we started making out on the car lolol...and then we well, you know ;) he was good. Haha. You know what I mean. Then we walked even more and finally got to a square to wait for his short effeminate friend (SEF). By this time it was 4 am and I was about to crash. I took a five minute nap on his lap, and then SEF showed up. He was still bitchy to me. They were still trying to find ecstasy to go to a gay club. By this time I was really tired so I said I was gonna go home and BBS was so sad and SEF told me some passo aggresso shit about how "well everyone is tired but some people just manage that but I guess you can't" calm down SEF. Turns out BBS will tell me that SEF has been in love with him for a crazy long time and was incredibly jealous of me that night. Hahaha.

The next day I woke up bathed in my sweat as usual to messages from my friends back in the states asking me "omg what happened" and "is SAG ok?" Apparently she got robbed coming back alone. I was mortified. I asked her about it and she told me she'll talk to me later about it, but we needed to go to the police station first to make a report.

It was there that she told me how the whole thing happened. A mid-twenties Latino guy approached her on the busy street that led off to our hostel trying to sell her hash. She ignored him, and walked up the dimly lit alleyway with graffiti that led up to our hostel. She realized he was following her, and he pretended to take a piss. So she walked on. Soon she felt someone grabbing her from the back and he was choking her. It lasted for 15 seconds and when she woke up she had a big bruise on her cheek and her handbag with her iPhone 5, her glasses, and her credit cards was gone. 

I cried so hard once we left the station. I hugged her and told her I am so so so sorry for leaving her, and that it didn't cross my mind that anywhere outside of Asia is not safe at night for a girl to walk alone. Immediately, I wanted to check out of our hostel. It is utter shit anyway. She oddly told me that since we paid we should just stay for our last night, but we can book another place when we get back to Lisbon after Porto.