Thursday, July 11, 2013

Can of worms all over again

I lied.

I'm back all alone in London, and I feel myself slowly collapsing again. Honestly, S was really already out of my life, and though I still talked about him, I felt nothing for him. But his email is such a fucking mindfuck once again, and I really abhor it. I'm not sure why he has to torture me like this.

"My dearest K,

You may choose not to read this letter, however I want you to have that choice. These past weeks I’ve been thinking a lot about what to write, and why. But I guess that in the end I’m writing this because I feel I must, not just for you, but for us. It’s not a letter of hope, nor one of regret or apology. It is a letter of memory, and gratefulness.

It’s been a crazy rollercoaster, looking back at everything we’ve done, all we’ve gone through. I won’t deny that I truly had a good time, and not just good, but very special. I remember clearly how you walked into the room, right after R, in your office attire, with your slightly too tight shirt. You looked at me, and then continued scanning the room. I cannot explain why, but there was a connection from that very moment; I was intrigued. R had you sit down at my table, as we were having our chicken rice, and thus we talked; you showing pictures of guys (Joseph Gordon-Levitt is as much as I remember), me just eating away on my chicken rice. I also remember clearly how I could feel your question later on in the evening coming, and the regret I felt to have to say: “yes, I’m attached”. How cheeky! You saw your goal and went straight for it (pardon me, gayly forward) the very evening. I guess it’s everyone’s dream to be approached by a good-looking guy, who is bold and man enough to go for it and live life. Especially in our little world I feel it’s a rare occurrence for someone to ask you whether you’re attached, just moments after you’ve met.

With that same cheekiness you got my phone number after we’d chatted on Facebook for days. I don’t think I have as much messages with anyone as with you. Part by part, your life and mine were told. I remember how nice it felt to get to know you better, things about your parents, your sister, brother, school, and I remember how I would wait for your messages. You know how I passed R on campus without even noticing him, because I was smiling at my phone. At the same time I was aware that what I was doing was wrong, in the sense that I was building a relationship while still having a foot in the other. At times I feel like we should never have met. Don’t get me wrong, meeting you has been one of the best things that have happened to me, and I’m not saying I wish we’d never met. All I’m saying is that sometimes it feels as if the world messed up. I cannot explain it other than that it felt as if I’d encountered a parallel life. A life where everything was different, one with you.

We’ve had our fair share of drama because of this, though I’d say that we’ve had our share of good moments as well. I remember so well how, after the dinner in the mall next to ION where we had our first Kueh Pie Tee, we were standing on the escalator, and you leaned forward and gave me a quick air kiss and said: “There, another moment I would have kissed you”.

You were enthusiastic like a little child when we watched Iron Man 3, talking way too loudly about what was happening right in front of us. You with your tuft of hair standing upright at the top of your head. Whenever I looked at you, you could give me a look back and ask “what?” in a way only you could ask. I don’t think I’ll likely meet anyone as cheeky as you K.

I guess it’s good to doubt your qualities at times, in order to improve and become a better person. However, you need to know I’ve always walked next to you with pride, probably also because of your boldness in life. There is nothing you did wrong K. In fact, you’ve been so wise in your decisions and actions, you’ve been so patient and caring, and so much more grown up, that it makes me feel inferior.

K, you’ve given me so much. I cannot express how torn I’ve been, and yet at the same time how enjoyable the moments with you have been. Spending the afternoon illegally at the country club, shopping for clothes and products we’d never buy, and oh the dinners. Me making fun of you, you just laughing at me. Your giggle, your smile, your gaze, always. I will always remember the time we shared, the days, the hours. It’s something that cannot be stolen from us. And although I should not utter it, I find comfort in the idea that if we truly are destined for each other we will meet again.

My dearest K, my dear, cheeky K, [my country] is far away now. Although you do not want to hear it, I feel us fade away. You need to know that I’m finally getting grip on my life here as well, and that I’m happy most of the time. Don’t wait for me. Please, do not sit around and wait for me. All I ask for, although I have no right to ask, is that you’ll take power over life and be happy. And maybe also that you do not forget. I’m certain you will live life to the fullest, because that’s who you are. You are K, and stupid as it may sound, I’ve seen greatness in you that makes me jealous and wanting to be by your side. But please understand that you mustn’t wait. I want you to be happy, and I will, as I’ve always done, be checking up on you, probably without you knowing.

Although you may not wish to hear it, there is still music I can’t listen to, even though often it’s music we haven’t shared. I’m not even coming near to the music we did share haha. But I guess that therein lays the power of music.

K, I really do hope that this is not the last time we talk. You will always have a special place in my heart. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me, with me. Thank you for your smile K, your oh so cheeky smile which many would desire to receive. Thank you for the time we had.

K, I wish I could see you smile one day again, but I am moving on now. I wish you with my whole heart all the best in the world K, all the best in the world. Sometimes it’s easier to close your eyes and turn around, but do know that you have something I cannot explain. Something so very special.

Your S

P.S. I’ll keep you to your Dumbledore promise, you can count on that."

1 comment:

  1. Damn! This S note is lovely in that he expresses what you meant to him, no wonder you were so smitten with him -- but at the same time, it reminds you of what was, what could have been, what should have been -- but did not happen. And that's terribly sad, isn't it? You would be justified in feeling very conflicted, I know I would. But you have to let him go. It hurts for sure, but let him go and learn to love again. You need a big hug!