Wednesday, July 10, 2013

So much drama

Maybe I create these situations for myself, but there is always so much drama in my life.  It's 1:46 am in Lisbon now, and I've just come back from Porto and would be going to Sintra tomorrow and then by nightfall i'll be back in London. 

Many many things have happened. I'll update everything when I have more time in London when I finally can take a breather, but for now I have two things to talk about. The first is that I'll be in London from 10-21 July, but my sister wants me to fly back early on the 18th to hang with my brother before he goes back to school. I'll do that, so ill have 8 days in London. The thing is I'm wondering if I should fly somewhere else during this time, by myself, since I've had so much fun meeting new people in backpacker hostels, and well, okay, grindr too whoops. I checked flights to Berlin, they're a little pricey, so hmm...I forgot the website that allows you to put in your budget and then it tells you your available travel options to anywhere in the world from your location within budget?? If anyone knows it, please tell me! 

The second thing is, well, I'm writing it mostly because it just happened to me, and also because it's the shortest to address. S wrote me an email. He sent it to my defunct email address that I use only for signing up for spam and shit, so I didn't read it until 12 days later, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. It was a really long email actually. Basically he recounted all our moments together, from the time we first met, to the times when I would boldly kiss him on the cheek in public. 

And I am quoting from him now, "I also remember clearly how I could feel your question later on in the evening coming, and the regret I felt to have to say: “yes, I’m attached”. How cheeky! You saw your goal and went straight for it (pardon me, gayly forward) the very evening. I guess it’s everyone’s dream to be approached by a good-looking guy, who is bold and man enough to go for it and live life. Especially in our little world I feel it’s a rare occurrence for someone to ask you whether you’re attached, just moments after you’ve met." 

Haha. Yes, that was the first evening that we met, how bizarre really, the start of my whole cheekiness really came about after I met him. 

Also, "My dearest K, my dear, cheeky K, (my country) is far away now. Although you do not want to hear it, I feel us fade away. You need to know that I’m finally getting grip on my life here as well, and that I’m happy most of the time. Don’t wait for me. Please, do not sit around and wait for me. All I ask for, although I have no right to ask, is that you’ll take power over life and be happy."

How awfully presumptive. The thing is, I didn't even read the email in one go, because I was talking to this really sexy spaniard that's now my Facebook friend. Honestly, I can say that now after meeting quite a few other guys, I am quite convinced that S is not at all irreplaceable like I used to think , and that there definitely are a lot of other "the one"s for me out there. I don't think I feel any pangs from reading his email. I'll probably reply him once I'm back in London, only through emails, waiting for a reply from whatsapp or whatever might spiral me down all over again. My relationship with him was anything but healthy, and I need to know that and be okay with that.

So many other things have happened, some great, some really awful, and I've cried quite a bit too, as usual...such a crybaby. Expect very long updates in the days to come. 


1 comment:

  1. How sweet of S to write to you -- yes it was presumptive that he thinks you cannot move on without his approval -- but I think you should take it for face value and accept that he does want you to be happy, even if it is without him. Then you leave with good feelings and closure.

    You cannot force him to do something does not feel he can do right now and there may be good reasons from his perspective.