Things have gotten a bit weird.
First, I don't think I see a point in me continuing my job anymore. I am considering tendering next week.
Second, N said he will book his tickets tonight after he gets off work, and will go to whichever country that is the cheapest in October, and see me there. He's trying his best to show commitment, which is very nice of him. We have chatted every day, Skyped quite a bit too, even had a cheeky bathroom Skype sesh ehehehe. I find myself missing him quite a bit. Today I also accidentally told him that my mom knows about him, to which he wouldn't let me go until I told him that basically my family knows of his existence and how he looks like. He was really happy to hear that.
I don't know how things will pan out. My biggest problem with him is really that he is quite immature and not enough of a man. But honestly, he isn't that much younger than me. But also, I don't want to disappoint him at all or give him false expectations. But at the same time, I wonder if I'm really overthinking things. If we date, we date, what's the biggie really? If I keep analyzing everything, I will not experience anything. I should just give it a shot. And I think I'm falling into that trap of being a dick, where when S treated me so badly I just wanted him more, but when N treats me sooo nice I think that it's fake and short-lived and am not really attracted to that.
Third, a while back when I was in Hong Kong I had a horrible meetup with German dude. I wrote about it here:
Fourth, went out to the "hippest" club in town on Saturday...urgh. I think I'm pretty over clubbing haha, especially straight clubbing. Hong Kong friends came over for the weekend to visit, so being HK international school kids, they wanted to drop some serious cash so we all got bottled service and ended up paying about 1.3k USD hmmmmmm but anyhow, it was a lot of fun with them even though everyone else in the club was old and ugly (I told them that the lyric "You're from the 70's but I'm a 90's bitch" applied so well to us), there was some pole-dancing theme for the night so they hired like 100 uglies to climb the pole and shit and my friends were saying that they looked like dudes and kept shouting PENIS PENIS I SEE PENIS I lmao-ed. We drank, we danced, I came out to more of them, all of them were so chill and happy for me, and I've been showing off N to everyone hah and so far everybody thinks N is really handsome hahaha, which makes me smile :) The funny thing is I was with peeps 20-21, I honestly hang out with so many young kids all the time, I'm not sure if I like a younger or older crowd.
But I got pretty drunk again (I mean we spent so much) and somehow went into homing pigeon mode and bounced and cabbed back without saying bye to the rest lol. The rest went over to another hopping club, I prefer that one instead tbh, it's at a hotel. I drunk-called Aussie and told him to fuck off again, and he was like "Oh no!!! Not this again!!!" and then I drunk-called N and told him that I wanted him to be with me, and if I made out with him I wouldn't be drinking so much, and then I told him he was lying about coming over, and I told him to yes, fuck off too. Lol. He was pissed, but also smiley that in my drunken state I revealed my feelings to him.
Also, I ate a whole box of Tim Tams. Lol.
Anyway, it's a bit odd that I'm quoting an American-born-Chinese straight woman, but I feel exactly like how she does.
I did nothing today but sleep, watch videos, and wanked 3 times. Shit son. Lol. Lazy Sundays I guess.
Here are some cool artistic videos. As I've mentioned, I enjoy solos the most, because I just like checking out dudes. You might find them boring though lol
Aussie dude tells me to stop following unrealistically hot guys on Instagram (I now follow 330) because he says it will make me have unrealistic expectations. Maybe, maybe not. All I know is, I am not desensitized, I just enjoy appreciating the male aesthetic as I've mentioned many times, and I wanna be like them.
Also, I really hope N and I have a relationship like this:
And that one day I will be like this:
N and I are really on the same page on monogamy, finding a brofriend, checking dudes out, spooning, etc. I should seriously give him a chance. We have talked about hitting the gym together, getting in better shape, and then having some cheeky fun in the sauna/steam room after, which is such a fantasy for both of us.