Friday, July 26, 2013

YOYAHO and Advice for a Nooblet Bromo

Oh boy. Sooo, I was gonna write a real serious entry reflecting on how things are now, and maybe some guidance for people who might be going through what I went (and still am going) through, but then I saw this:

And then this:

And basically I can't be serious anymore. The second video is particularly intriguing; I went from 'hahaha this is really cheesy...' to 'man I wish I was this sexy, or I had a man this sexy' to 'wait, wtf is going on???' to 'omfg stAHp'.

Just kidding. I wrote it all already bitches. Go on, read my unadulterated wang monologue.

It's Friday night and I'm staying in! Mostly because I went out last night till 3, had so little sleep so I took an overdue nap from 9-12:30 am and thus my friends decided to not meet up too since I was comatose...haha. Last night was incredibly fun. My best bud J of 13 years came back from India (he's working for an investment bank there), and so we all met up for drinks at one of our favorite (straight) pretentious bars. There was J, his hot girlfriend, my other best bud A (also of 13 years), A's college friend, J&A's high school classmate, and said HS classmate's two pairs of gay couple friends. I asked the chick, 'hey are your gay friends sassy bitches?' She laughed and said 'in each couple there is one sassy bitch and one bro-ey dude.' It got me a lil sad tbh, because I want a bro-ey dude, but then I realized...I'm actually quite a sassy bitch ohayyy so fuckitwhatever.

When we all got together at the bar, within the first 30 seconds of introduction, J whispers to me "dude they're so gay." I lol-ed. It was true. They were real sassy bitches. There were moments when I tried to outsass them, but thankfully they weren't offended by it and actually told my friend that they'll like to bring me out gay clubbing some time (they're 30ish).

One thing I've definitely realized in the gay world, being young is definitely a huge perk. Everyone wants to hang out with you, because everyone wants to feel your age. Especially the older guys. Therefore, all I can tell you is, milk that fucking cash cow yo. Hit the gym, YOYAHO (You're Only Young and Hot Once), and get dudes to buy you drinks. Subtle whoring only though, yknow like that oldie song, "I spent my life exploring the subtle whoring that costs too much to be free, hey lady I've been to paradise but I've never been to me." Okay I just realized the song is mad depressing holy shit but you get my point.

It was great hanging out with my best buds again. They're fucking awesome. And I'm glad J's back, even though just for the weekend. We caught up so well. It was so raucously fun. A also spilled on a lot of his girlfriend problems, and we all convinced him he has absolutely no balls and gotta ditch that bitch asap. He has this hot new girl who's after him, so I told him to invite her and her friends and us along to the same bar (cos it's pretentious and they can make fun of it together) and I will be his gaywingman. Theoretically, chick would drop her +25 DEF defense shields once we bond over our love for dudes, and I'll ask her questions about how she feels about my bud who would be standing a couple feet away laughing and looking handsome helping pour the drinks for the rest of the crew, and she'll say some good shit and blahblahblah basically they have sex. Hopefully.

Anyway, SERIOUSLY, I am so happy I am gyroscopically stable once again. I am back to my old cheeky bubbly wildly irreverent self in front of my friends. I am no longer overly man-obsessed, and N is far away enough (plus he works many shifts at the bar he's at so he's mostly not available) that I consider myself single now, and I'm perfectly okay with that. Couple months ago I was wildly searching for boys all the time...but being in my country it was just horrid experiences with Jack'd and Grindr. After going to the U.S. and Europe though, I can safely vouch that Jack'd and Grindr are pretty awesome, since out of the 10 dudes I met up with, I'll say only 2-3 were horrible experiences, the rest was really great fun, The last guy out of the 10's N, obviously.

Seriously. Grindr isn't that sketchy if you know how to filter out the duds, the teasers, and the creeps. The duds are those that will never show their face pics because they're actually horribly ugly, for the Catholic Church (seriously, I got that from this dude in London). The teasers will send you a million pictures of their hot selves, but will never really commit to meeting up, because well, everyone has a life anyway, and sex isn't the top priority. The creeps are...well, just block them.

I have to say though, it's a lot more liberating and easier to put up a face pic on Grindr when I'm "just visiting." Back in my home country now, I've switched it to a torso pic instead, because unlike Jack'd where you can track who views you, anyone can view you on Grindr, so I don't want to be caught by like a colleague or some shit without knowing.

So in this entry, I'll be giving a few tips about Grindr and advice for new guys based on what I've learned so far. I'll like to caveat this whole thing by saying that I speak only from my own experience, it will not necessarily apply to everyone, and also, you might not agree with everything I say because well, I'm incredibly opinionated anyway.

A few tips about Grindr:

1) Go for the younger guys, 20-26. The older the dude, I've realized, the sketchier they are. All they want is to jump straight in bed and fuck. If you think about it, it kinda makes sense, cos the older dudes must have been around for much longer and YET are still cruising for sex on these things...they gotta be slightly sketch. The younger guys are probably fresh and new-ish, and are on Grindr for fun. They are more willing to talk, to grab a drink, and add you on Facebook! Hahahaha.

2) The guys that I met up with were really chill and very masculine, which I thought was rare but trust me, it ain't that rare. What I did was I was one of those douchebags that the campy camp really hates...I wrote on my profile something like "masculine for masculine," but hey it works.

3) Do not feel pressured to send out a p33n pic even if the other party becomes aggressive about it. Just politely tell him that you're "not that kind of person, but am very DTF" or something along that extent.

4) Try and call the person before meeting up, so you can hear the person's voice. It is a very good indication if the dude sounds masculine (if that's what you're looking for of course). One guy I met up with said he was but he really wasn't, and it didn't turn out well.

5) Don't go straight to the guy's place/don't invite the dude over immediately. Meet up somewhere rather public (so if the dude turns out to be a serial killer you have time to plan your escape route), and talk to the guy and get to know him first, and walk towards your final destination. This way you will not feel pressured to continue with the hookup if you are completely not attracted to the dude. How you go about this is by just being honest, "hey so this is going to sound really mean, but I don't think I'm up for anything other than maybe a drink, since I'm pretty tired from [insert excuse]. Nice meeting ya dude" and just BOLT. Lmao. Okay, I've never done that, but I'm pretty sure I'll do that if I meet up with a Grindr dude that ain't working for me.

Also, I haven't been to a gay bar for what, close to 2 months now. That's awesome. And also, porn works for me again! Hhahah. There was a period where I really just couldn't jack off, and wanted to hook up with a guy instead, but now I'm good, which is great, saves me from making rash bad decisions.

Hey dude how's it going
 A couple things I have learned from my journey so far:

1) Your views on a lot of things about the gay world will change. You will slowly realize that sex is not sketchy, it is rather fun and can be potentially beautiful with a loving partner (I don't know this yet but guesso).

2) You will be incredibly boy-hungry when you first come out. It is perfectly normal. Do not kick yourself too much in the face about having "no morals." And trust me, you need to get it out of your system. safe (don't be dumb like me) and have standards, and give those gay apps a go, but frame yourself well to attract the kind of guys you want to attract.

3) You will soon be a lot more accepting of the sassy population of the gay community, and in fact, will join in to be a sassy bitch at times because it's actually really fun and funny. Just try not to be offensive about it.

4) First love frames everything else after. It will always burn with an intense fiery passion, you will be blinded by a lot of things, just remember that first loves rarely ever last (especially if it's a first love for the other guy too), and SERIOUSLY, there will be other 'the ones' later in life, when you and your partner will be a lot more mature to handle a relationship.

We interrupt this program with a special bulletin of
ohHELLyeahbaby it's Mariano Di Vaio!! #havemahbabiezxzkthxbye

5) Blogging helps. However, when you are seriously down in the dumps, I don't think it does. It didn't for me. None of the comments that people left when I felt like shit because of S went into my head at all. I just denied em all. Hah.

6) The world is changing. Your friends will accept you. You probably subconsciously chose all the right people to be in your life all this time anyway.

7) It is not necessary at all to build up a gay support network when you come out. It is however vital to build up a support network when you come out. Keep your straight friends close to you, they will help you through somewhat. However, trust that you can do it alone really.

8) Come out when you are at college, away from family. It is the best time really. Family complicates a lot of things, even if they are ultimately accepting of the situation. When I say come out, I really mean come out to yourself. I didn't accept it at all until I got back home. Big mistake. All of my stumbles and obstacles I faced, my parents either knew acutely or had a clue. Then again, if you don't feel ready to come out, don't I guess. But you really should. There is nothing shameful about being gay.

9) Speed up the process of everything, so you can really become "still the same person as [you were] before." Yes, I'm not kidding hahaha. Recognize you need to go through a lot of things (go to your first gay club, download your first gay app, make out with your first gay man, hook up with your first Grindr bro, etc.) to find your gay identity, and I've read from many blogs that people take so many years to figure the fuck out of everything - just speed through it, but don't come out of it with any permanent damage. Or maybe this applies to just me, because I am always infinitely horny and out of control.

10) It gets better. Trust me.

And because my brain doesn't make any fucking sense, I shall end this post with a quiet nice song (it's 4 am now FML it takes a week for me to get over jetlag...)

I post this for a reason though. This song is one campy catchy tune by Cyndi Lauper, but Greg Laswell owned it and reinvented it.

Reinvent the gay stereotype. Or ohayyy if ya can't beat em, join em!!! xoxo


  1. You've gotten wise pretty quickly. there were some times when I thought you were not paying attention to lessons life was teaching you but now I can see I was mistaken. You have been paying very close attention. Continue to learn about yourself and how to interact with people and it will serve you well as you mature.

  2. OMG! I finally watched that sausage video. It's kind of obscene.

    1. hahahaha, it's very obscene. but kinda hot.

    2. Whoah yeah! When the sausage started stuffing the casing, ummm, I got a really naughty thought. Which I suppose was the whole idea.