Friday, August 30, 2013

Twerk

1) N REALLY really likes me...wow. It really does seem highly unlikely that he would hurt me. And I guess if I listen to the "real" quiet voices in my head, we get along so, so, so well. We talk everyday, and giggle like little girls somehow, and we somehow regress back to baby voices saying stupid things like "argh I really miss you baby I wanna nuzzle your nose" "can't wait to see you baby." I never imagined I would use the word baby so fucking much.

2) N also has something like an eidetic memory and can tell me exact things like we first met on July 11th, and on July 29th he sent me a picture of him eating chips with ketchup and I said I hate ketchup, but he likes it. We have four things we disagree on so far: I love avocado and Indian food, and dislike ketchup and sweet popcorn. N likes ketchup and sweet popcorn, and dislikes avocado and Indian food. He is also stupidly adorable when he Skypes me in bed with his stuffed puppy and humps the pillow in between his legs. He told me he can recount what we did every single day in London and the rough timeline of things we discussed over the last six weeks, and because I always feel like he's bragging, I am going to test him on this tomorrow.

3) N took a screenshot of me when we were Skyping...hahaha, since I'm always in the spirit of oversharing, I'm putting it up here. If I can say so myself, I think I'm all ready to get twerkin' like Miley, except she twerks real bad (I YouTubed videos of actual twerking guides for fun) (btw, I can't remember what the fuck I was doing back then, I don't think I was arching my back like a lil slut but maybe I was, although I was probably trying to reach for my phone)


4) The folks and my sister are in London right now for her graduation ceremony, I would have gone but I was initially supposed to be an employed responsible adult and couldn't take anymore leave, but after quitting the cheapest tickets were only from the 9th onwards. Hence, I'm missing them entirely in London.

5) The job search shindig in HK is kinda weird so far, I'll explain more later but basically the recruiter was completely useless (she told me to stay in my country because it's easier), and I spoke to a family friend and she kinda suggested to me to work at a gay bar for a while...erm.

6) My mom decided to go back to work at the age of 50+ as a real estate agent (she used to do accountancy) and we're all super proud of her for clinching three big-ass deals today and cashing in S$30k which is roughly US$23k! I'm so happy for her because she is passionate about this and is really lively and confident now that she's also making bank.

Argh ok gotta get up in 6 hours' to drive my mom to the airport.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Land of Dreams


This was a video N showed to me. I must say this is extremely good marketing, it really makes me want to do a roadtrip in the states. N was talking to me about how he wants to go back to America some day (he was born in LA and lived near Beverly Hills) and wants to travel with me. Also to Iran, to Australia, etc. He showed me a bunch of photos of places of interest of the Persian Empire and animatedly told me about how he has came up with an itinerary of what we're gonna do in Iran. Whenever we get there. It was about 5 am in London when he called me about this, as he gets up quite a bit at strange times to talk to me. As gay as this sounds, he asked me to sing him a couple Disney lullabies (Prince of Egypt - ok technically not Disney, Hunchback of Notre Dame, The Little Mermaid) and he fell asleep on the phone and I whispered to him good night and gave him a good night kiss over the phone.

Today my dad was talking to me as his plane was taking off for Chicago, and asked me if I ever asked N what did he see in me that attracted him to me. I was taken aback by his question, and asked him to explain further. He said he wanted to see if N has thought this through carefully, because I have many shortcomings, and that as N is very good-looking, a lot of guys will be after him, and he might leave me. I felt the room close in on me, the realization that my dad thinks that I am not good enough for a boy he has not yet met, that I have no redeeming qualities to keep him by my side.

Strangely, N called me soon after I spoke to my dad, and I was once again plagued with a lot of insecurities. I asked him what did he ever see in me, when he can get anyone else so easily, someone much better-looking, taller, more responsible, employed, less black-hearted, less of a fuck-up, etc. I told him he was delusional and blind to want to be with me, and told him I needed to think if our relationship can ever work out when I'm trailing behind him so much in every aspect. He told me to shut up and that I was a fool, but I was already crying and feeling sorry for myself. I told him I'll talk to him another time, and ignored most of his messages for the day.

He told me he honestly had a panic attack when I said all those, and he wrote to me "I swear my heart is literally popping out my mouth just at the thought of perhaps losing you. Specially for such a pathetic and stupid reason. I guess I didn't know how much I actually like you" and he used one of those cutesy Asian sticker emoticons of a dude acting coy or something.

The thing is, I truly feel inadequate, and I am pretty sure objectively I am inadequate. I still struggle so much with self esteem issues. I heard someone once tell me that you can only be in a healthy relationship if you're doing okay by yourself, if not you'd just dump all your personal problems on your partner too. Maybe I'm not ready for a relationship at all. Maybe I should let N go. He probably deserves someone so much better. I'm not really sure what I deserve at all.

Monday, August 26, 2013

The Dragon and the Monkey

I don't care what people are gonna say, but N and I are going to make an absolutely adorable couple. We spoke for 2 hours last night on the phone before I went to bed, and two hours this morning when I got up. He told me how he was talking to a friend who is _convinced_ that he and this guy who he hasn't met yet in real life are gonna be totally compatible for each other, because he is a goat, and the other dude is a pig. While completely unscientific, N's Chinese Zodiac animal is a Monkey, and so both of them did a bit of googling and found out that Monkeys are most compatible with Dragons, but he did not know what my zodiac was at that time.

Turns out I'm a Dragon. When I told N this over the phone, he started laughing really hard. We then spent quite a bit of time poring over zodiac websites:

Extracted from http://www.astrology.com/chinese-love-compatibility-dragon-monkey/2-d-chmt-dragon_monkey and http://www.alwaysastrology.com/monkey-and-dragon.html,
The Dragon and the Monkey make a fiery, fun match! These two signs have a ton in common — both are highly energetic with plenty of optimism, brash courage and get-up-and-go; both love anything exciting — parties, amusement parks, nightclubs … The Monkey, especially, loves to pursue its own pleasures, but together these two will live life in their customary fast-paced style. They are both such fiery personalities that occasional flare-ups of temper are likely; however, neither sign is interested in holding a grudge and both are perfectly happy to hash things out and then move on. 
They both are very social and while they love to go out together, if they must do separate things that is okay too. As long as they end up together at the end of the night they are fine. Monkey may be inclined to play around. While Dragon loves to flirt, Monkey will take it further. Luckily, neither one tends to hold a grudge. 
As lovers, their connection is electric. In the bedroom these two are like baby tigers, tumbling and playing together with claws bared! It’s all in good fun, of course. 
How about our astrological signs? N is a Leo, and Leos are most compatible with Aries and Sagittarius.

What do you know, I'm a Sagittarius. Once again, both of us started cracking up.

Extracted from http://www.astrology.com/love-compatibility-sagittarius-leo/2-d-lvmt-sagittarius_leo,
When Leo and Sagittarius join together in a love match, the result is often fireworks! Both Signs are extremely dynamic and enjoy life to the fullest. Sagittarius’s philosophical tendency warrants a distraction to Leo’s obsession with the larger-than-life. The two will have genuine admiration and respect for one another. Both are warm, charismatic and charming; people enjoy being in the energy this couple radiates. 
Both Signs can be impatient but endearing, and Leo may be annoyed by Sagittarius’s flirting, but there’s never a dull moment in their relationship. Sagittarius sees the world as a textbook they must study from, while Leo acts as the gracious host. Both are extremely social, but it is vitally important to Leo that they feel that they are in control of the conversation. Leo is the Lion, the leader, while Sagittarius is the Archer, slowly taking the time to survey their target and feel the nuances of difference in their approach. 
Leo is ruled by the Sun and Sagittarius is ruled by the Planet Jupiter. Both are masculine energy archetypes, and together they make a good combination — they understand one another because they are so similar. The Sun is about Self and Jupiter is about expansion and excess, together providing a personal and outward focus on themselves and the world, although sometimes they can overexert themselves. They’re highly compatible with lots of energy, and can be a wonderful couple in any setting or situation. 
Both are Fire Signs. This tends to be a very heated and passionate relationship. They both have boundless energy, and can seem the only ones able to keep up with one another’s intensity. Although Sagittarius may become exhausted by Leo’s expansive ego, their differences of opinion won’t last long.  
Leo is a Fixed Sign and Sagittarius is a Mutable Sign. Sagittarius provides Leo with the deeper understanding they may be lacking, while Leo can fine-tune Sagittarius’s charm and social graces. Sagittarius may be irritated by Leo’s bossiness, shallow vanity and tendency to sulk. However, they are both loyal and devoted to one another, and the rewards of their union outweigh the minor setbacks.
I tend to take these things with a pinch of salt, but somehow I can't seem but feel really optimistic about things. The above is remarkably close to the truth. N said that even the stars say that we are perfect for each other. I just smiled my cheeky smile on the phone with him. September 9th needs to come faster so I'll be reunited with him in London. Dude. Can't.Fucking.Wait.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Down to a whisper


I am a royal fuck-up as usual. I honestly am struggling so hard to grow up and take care of myself. I don't feel like blogging about it. I'll just say that N is incredible, and I am sold as to how lucky I am to have someone like him in my life. I told him that I am no longer interested in finding other people for hookups (I've deleted Jack'd and Grindr on my phone - big step!), for he's the only guy in my life (I'll still massively check out guys on the street/gym though). He is literally perfect towards me. I gotta treasure this kid for sure. I miss him so, so much, and can't stop talking to him or talking about him tbh. He's on my mind all the time. Haha. I sound like such a girl. But really though. It has been 5 weeks since we last were together crying at Heathrow (both of us are big-time crybabies).

My staunch Christian friend stalked photos of N through my Facebook and said that he is happy I found a gorgeous Persian man with an eight-pack hahaha. He also said it's great that at least I'm dating someone who treats me well, unlike my Bestie who honestly has never not been in a relationship from the age 17-22, and her boyfriends were always just either douchebags or...boring. The funny thing about my staunch Christian friend is that he accepts my gay identity, because he thinks that while homosexuality is a sin, it is a sin just like every other sin, and you should hate the game and not the playa, ummm...okay, guess this is the best case scenario for a staunch Christian.

It was great to see my bestie that I went on my Eurotrip with (I forgot what nickname I gave to her, so I'll just call her bestie). She stopped over in HK before going off to Shanghai for her Master's. Things between us are awesome now, because I'm no longer overly self-absorbed with my Wifi-grabbing Grindr habits in Europe (she not being a gay man, did not understand Grindr is literally made for Eurotrips), and she's so much more comfortable being back in Asia (she really detests Europe, and to a certain extent...老外 in general) so she's back to her chirpy crazy self too. We met up with two of her gay friends who are Greek twins for dinner yesterday. Immediately I started thinking




But they turned out to be more


They were nice people though, pretty sassy and fabulous, but damn I could not look at them neck-down. There was just so much goddamn body hair.

I'm still here till Wednesday/Thursday, so I'm going to catch up with a few more friends too.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Hong Kong for the weekend!

Firstly, thank you to all who commented on my previous post, they were really wise words of advice. I have really been thinking how to somehow stand on my own two feet without cutting off my parents. Honestly, they would never allow that to happen. That's the thing about Asian values, family means absolutely everything, and they will always always have my back. So I just need to remember that they are a worst-case scenario safety net, to somehow trick myself into believing that I have to be independent without really being so. I do think this is something good though, to always have the kids being filial and thoughtful of their parents, but there needs to be a balance, like the analogy of the butterfly in the hand being protected but you can't like squeeze it too hard or it'll crush and die, or some shit like that.

I also had a good talk with N and he calmed me down a lot this morning. Honestly, I was crying in my bed because my dad sent me such a nice email and I just felt so undeserving of all the niceness of the support system I have. N reassured me that I do deserve this niceness, that I need to believe in myself. I don't know if I really do. I sent back a heartfelt email to my dad, and he said it made his day. I told him I just need more time than required for other people to arrive at the same conclusions, because things like fighting for survival or fighting for passion/dreams does not come naturally to me. And there is very little that can be done about this because of my socioeconomic upbringing, unless we somehow reverse the times and made things different. I assured him inherently I want to succeed, I just need more time to figure things out. I told him it was just like my coming out experience, where there were some lows where my family thought they might have lost me forever because I "changed so much" but I emerged (lol emerged is such a gay word) out of everything being a lot more confident and comfortable than I have ever been with my gay identity.

I also had such a good long conversation with my mom who has gone back into the workforce at the age of 50+! She's a real estate agent/consultant now and she's actually doing a heck of a good job now, and was animatedly explaining to me everything about the property market in my country. For example, I had no clue that there are only 70,000 actual privately-owned houses in my country of 5.5 million people. The rest of the people stay in either condominiums or government-subsidized flats (these are a lot nicer than public housing in the states btw, prices of these flats range from 200k USD to 1 million USD and beyond) Supposing a household unit on average consists of 3.5 people, that's roughly less than 0.5% of the population. No wonder the average price of a house here is way more than a million, since the government refuses to allow more privately-owned homes to make way for more subsidized public housing.

Then I went to the gym, and at the gym I decided to fly to Hong Kong tomorrow. Completely spontaneous. Two reasons, one, to meet the lady from the headhunting firm that my dad's friend introduced to me (she does entry-level hiring too which is awesome), and two, because I'm getting lonely here. I know I've whined about this so much, but it's just very difficult for me to find good friends in this city. N isn't here, and I have had zero hookups since HGG (honestly, I would hook up with him in a heartbeat again, but he's gone for still another 2 weeks in Taiwan for his military exercise), (SAP has also contacted me about getting a room at the iconic hotel downtown because he wants to have sex with me, I told him I wouldn't mind doing that if we can have a menage a trois with this totally cute American guy that's his current squeeze - strange that he would still come and find me for sex though we only met twice! I also explicitly told him I am not having anal sex with him, and yes he thinks I'm a bottom and I was like uhmmmm fucker) and all my other friends (more than 10 college friends) are all in HK.

So yeah, tomorrow until Thursday! Ngoh ho jung yi heung gong! As usual I end my posts with some sort of self-reflection that I am playing too hard, Hong Kong till next week, Cebu the week after, then London for three weeks, then back here with N, and then possibly Hong Kong with N permanently after. I hope my meeting with the headhunting lady is going to make something click, or that she'll introduce something awesome to me.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Responsible adult

I'm having one of those all-too-familiar panic crisis mode things again, where I just want to curl up in a ball and hope that everything turns out either fine, or that I just end up dead anyway. It's odd that I think about death quite a lot. I find it so thoroughly impossible not to shirk responsibilities. My mom just told me to "get real" and send out my resume to every single headhunting/recruitment seeking firm out there begging people to hire me, among other things that she just yabbered on and I listened with a blank stare. Sometimes my mom doesn't get it that her voice gets so shrill every time she gets into one of these "back during my time, I used to do this" stories and I die a little each time.

I get so nervous, like impossibly nervous, whenever I have to put myself under pressure. Usually, after an initial period of faltering I take charge and come round doing okay. But my family doesn't get it, that I need baby steps to "get real" for a lot of things. Eventually I do come round. It happened with my coming out process. My fam was getting so exasperated with how apparently "distant" and different I became. I just needed time to get used to things. Now I am my usual self around them and they're happy too.

I just need my parents to UNDERSTAND ME. Yes, I sit around playing video games all day at home, but I NEED this for now, before I can snap out of shit and start taking charge. I am not like other people, I am sorry. I have always been kind of bitter about how everyone seems so sure about what they want to do in their lives, and even if they don't have a passion for anything, they have a passion for money, and they work at whatever job they can get. I don't even have a passion for money; honestly I could care less about money for now, until I have none of course. I don't understand how people go about applying for jobs, sending out their resumes, creating LinkedIn accounts, going for interview after interview after interview. This whole thing seems like a mammoth task and I just can't handle. Which further depresses me because I've always thought that I'm an intelligent person that can work under pressure (at least that's what I always say at interviews) but that is completely untrue...I get annoyed or I crumble when things don't go my way, or when I have to go out of my way.

I know I need to grow up, but how does one just...grow up? It always feels like I know all the steps to "succeed" but I just cannot find the will to do anything about it. Somehow I always believe things will magically fall into place, and so I don't have the motivation to give any shit about it. I fucking hate my brain some times for thinking like this.

How does one become more passionate to become employed? That's my fucking problem. I don't give a shit that I'm unemployed. My parents keep saying omgggg you're so spoiled back during our days we had to scramble to survive, well I'm sorry but you raised me as a spoiled kid most of this is your doing, so either you back off and let me fucking fail by myself first and then crawl to you for help, or you continue feeding me my fucking silver spoon, just stahp coming into my room like a leaf blower all over my face. I will figure it out okay?

Or at least, I hope I do. Gulp.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Let's talk about gay pr0n

Ok, so it's officially the second day of my #loaferdaze, and my social activity has taken a deep plunge since on the gay front, R has been on a study abroad program in New Delhi, India; among my other friends, my childhood homeboy J is also in India, but in Mumbai with an investment bank, my other homeboy A still hasn't fucking broken up with his girlfriend of 6 years even though their relationship is really unhealthy so he has no time for me, N isn't here, and everyone else that I hung out with in college are in Hong Kong.

What does that mean? It means that I have spent most of my time so far either playing League of Legends incessantly, jacking off multiple times a day whenever I'm bored, or skyping N which inevitably ends with a wank-off session (I swear he is always hard and full of jizz whenever we talk, even when I'm not horny which is surprising!) where I fall asleep because it's so exhausting to wank so many times a day. Soon! I promise, I will start looking to apply for jobs to get myself out of this second limbo since I've started writing this blog.

Anyhow, I decided to write about some videos that I REALLY like, hahaha. These are obviously NSFW. Typically, I do not rewatch a video that I've seen, because I can predict everything already so it spoils the fun. However, these are some examples of those that I've watched multiple times. Some are short, some are long, some are headless, but basically, all are solos. I know loads of people think solos are incredibly boring, so you might not enjoy these below. However I honestly prefer solos because there is nothing else to distract me from projecting all my fantasies on that gorgeous man on my screen. I also really like to time my nut-busting along with the guy on screen.

Forgive the l33t speak because I don't want people searching for pr0n to come to my blog, like at all. The first three are from three of my favorite websites hehehe. Honestly, the hottest boys can always be found there. The next three are small-time "relatively known people" (I wouldn't call them celebrities) for various reasons. J0nas is Mr. Br@zil 2010, and Fe|ippe is well, a well-known fucking hot public jerk-off hottie from, guess where, Brazil too (I am a churrasco queen), and the last guy is this tumblr-famous dude who admitted to being bisexual (but all he talks about are girls), and I used to stalk his tumblr hardcore because I thought he was the prettiest guy alive. The next three are sort of small little fantasies that I have. The mirror one is hellafuckinghot, because although the guy is headless, the mirror shows full view of his incredible ass and my god...what a beaut. Also, although I can't find a good example, I love it when a dude jizzes on the mirror itself hehe, it's like jizz symmetry when it shoots out, jizzmetry. Also, dude is probably Asian from the looks of it, which is cool! The next is a shower one, where I've always wanted to spy on people showering in the locker rooms etc...I am a huge perv and a voyeur. The last one is because well, R and I have discussed retiring as pr0n directors before hahahaah.

Anyway, hopefully being so open about pr0n or my cheeky frisky thoughts doesn't make me seem like an ACTUAL depraved pervert...I would shudder to think that I will grow up to be that man that I once saw whistling at me when I was at a public bathroom sink washing my hands and I look up and this grisly guy was jerking his dick off and signaling me to go into the stall to suck him off. Btdubs, I was 14. Dude. Fucking traumatized, but also strangely kinda turned on back then.

Tommy (Se@n C0dy)

Mick (1/2 Fr@tmen Twin)

Mick L0v3ll (Bel @mi)

J0nas Su|zb@ch

Fe|ippe Br@ga

Wy@tt L@ne



Anyway, now that you know my taste in dudes, I wonder if anyone can recommend me some good vids to check out too hahaha. 

Sunday, August 18, 2013

But with you I feel again


I woke up with this song in my head. I had a huge smile sitting up on my bed, touching the fucking soft silky sheets, smiling even with a massive thirst from alcohol dehydration. This is such a feel-good song seriously.

I feel so good about quitting my job. It was bringing me down so much. But the last few days I have bonded so much with my fellow coworkers. They're great people, unwilling to just be meek cogs in the great machine.

There isn't much to update because once again, I am in limbo. But this time it's a good limbo. The world is my oyster. I've got about two weeks in my country left, then I'm headed off to Cebu in the Philippines Sept 4-8 with a couple Hong Kong college friends, then London Sept 9-23 to hang with N. Funny thing is to Cebu I'm taking a budget airline, and...SAP's actually gonna fly it on both days. Haha! For London I used miles that I "saved" because I opted to fly Economy coming back from London back in July instead of Business which my dad initially put me on. Isn't that insane, that a one-way Business upgrade is 90k miles, while a return Economy ticket to London is 60k? Granted I have to try hard to keep my cool among the plebs...just kidding hahaha.

On my London trip I also hope to go to Amsterdam hahaha...and no I'm not gonna meet up with S at all, I just want to smoke a shit ton of weed and make out and have fun while N and I are stoned. I've smoked a lot in college but I've never really hooked up high. I think it'll be an adventure. And yes I know how pathetic, I have no access to weed here at all.

Oct 1 N gets here with his one-way ticket from London, and I'll show him around for a bit, I'm really excited to show people around my country because that's really the only time that I like it.

Other than that, I went out twice over the weekend, gay bar on Friday and beach party on Saturday. Beach party sucked but I had like 10 Jaeger shots and it was interesting driving after because I was actually very much in control still. My Cute Turkish Friend left because he said the party sucked "this is how poor college kids party" and went to find a chick he found on Tinder who he said was the "best app ever." I was seriously thinking about telling him I use Grindr, but meh I don't know man. He said to get dinner with him at a swanky restaurant some time, maybe I'll tell him then.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Nothing but a human alien

http://www.danoah.com/2012/04/a-teens-brave-response.html

I cried reading this so much. I couldn't stop crying after. Maybe it was because the mapo tofu I had was really spicy. But I kept crying.

I'm so terribly lucky. I'm smiling now with the tears drying up on my face.

Of all the waves in your atmosphere


There is basically no way you wouldn't like this song.

Man. I'm sleepy. 

So okay. One thing, I blog only in three moods: when I'm feeling terribly insecure, or when I'm feeling terribly cocky, and the last one is when I'm feeling terribly boring. There is a blend of course among the three.

I was talking to jw about self-entitlement. It seems that many people think they are special, when they are really not at all. Smart people especially. I don't think I am special - but neither do I think I am normal. I am hardly normal. Normal is robotic, safe, formulaic, boring. But neither am I special - there are probably so many culturally conflicted spoilt gay Asian brats in the world. But within my limited stereoscopic vision, I am special enough. And that is all that I take comfort in. I do not want to be predictable. So yes, that is why some times I say things just for shock value, or I trick myself to think things just to be different. But I am surely not like everyone else, but neither am I so unique I cannot connect with anyone - Uniqueness is lonely, and connection is all we ever yearn for, or at least all I ever yearn for.

See the thing is not everyone is special, but neither can everyone be the same. Not everyone wants to be a follower, nor does everyone want to be a leader. We just have to be contented with who we are, which is something that is very difficult, because as humans we always compare ourselves to the next 'better' person, when really we should be comparing ourselves to who we were in the past. It's better to become "better" than to become the "best," because better is defined by ourselves, while best is defined by others. 

But honestly this is like hippie bikram yoga natural organic food oh yes give me more quinoa and superfoods like acai berry omg like guys?? our bodies are our own temples yah!!??, kind of shit. But I like it hehe.

I think self-entitlement is okay. Problem with the culture here is very few people are like that. Everyone sees themselves as just a mere follower, so obsequious and meek. Granted, it is mostly bounded by economic constraints - many people need the money and cannot quit their miserable jobs. But people should never just be one thing all the time. Self-entitlement needs to be accompanied, or switched out, by compassion and empathy. It's what defines us as human beings, the ability to shapeshift.

I've always seen myself as a chameleon. I've thought about if this makes me a hollow person, but no it does not. I just think it is useful to be able to adapt myself to the conditions around me. During my conscription days, I tried very hard to be more "local"

okay digress. this dude at work just told me 'oh wow maybe u should put in more effort at the gym' well maybe u should put in more effort with your face it looks like horse poop STFU wait till i take my shirt off you nincompoop /endrant

and attempted to blend in with everyone by (kind of) reading those porn magazines that they would sneak in, or drink beer like everyone even though I hated it. During my fratparty-to-fratparty hopping days I was a lot more of a "bro" doing kegstands and the thing where you unhygienically punch a hole with your keys into the bottom of a beer can and finish it. Honestly had to dumb myself down there. When I hang with international school kids I become a bit of an international snob to the plebes like "wait what you've never gotten bottle service?" Trololol. When I do volunteer work like cleaning up parts of an old folks' home I listen very attentively to the elderly when they are animatedly recounting some stories, because I know that my small action of just listening would have a great positive impact on their day.

I think it's a good skill. Hah! 

Also, I kinda like life being like this. Alternating weekdays with going out for drinks and going to the gym. Monday I had drinks at a chill-ass bar and then a gay bar after with my straight army dudes. They're honestly awesome people. We're all bums. One's an employed bum, I'm an unemployed bum, and the other two are self-employed bums. Lol. Tuesday I had a good gym sesh again, my chest is aching even till today (Thursday) so I think I'm finally doing something right.

Something else also happened on Tuesday. I met up with jw for lunch :) I had a good time splaying him right in the middle of one of those atrium booths selling the newest Jaguar in town. Nah. It was fun though. Initially I was a little nervous because my online persona is a lot larger-than-life, but I think it went well. It was kinda strange because he pretty much knows everything about my life from my blog, but it was also quite fun showing him pictures of N, S, Aussie, HGG, SAP, etc. Hehehe. 

Last night was really fun. So I've switched offices back to my original workplace, and the fucking useless admin department told me that I cannot keep changing my season parking venue, and they told me to pay the full parking for the day I drove, and to not drive for the rest of the days. I looked at her sad miserable servant face and said "fine" and so I've been getting my chauffeur to pull up right in front of the fucking office everyday. After work the younger coworkers wanted to grab drinks, so I got the driver to come drive us off (they were very excited to sit in a chauffeured car haha) and we had such a hoot drinking beers and eating pizza and tapas.

Everyone bashed my boss. I was so happy to realize that I was not being a brat when I said she was a piece of poop. One guy said he can't wait for the day she leaves because she is a terribly incompetent manager. Damn dude. And then we talked a lot about government organizations here, local culture, etc., and everyone congratulated me for making the right decision to leave, and that unlike them, I have a choice to leave...

They're great guys seriously. I'll miss them. Somewhat. I'm sure I'll forget about them in the future though. Just being honest. 

I then had a nice long chat on the phone with N since it was his birthday yesterday! His friends all say they can't wait to meet me. My friends can't wait to meet him too. Haha. Hey, honestly, I think we'll become quite a cute couple. Hahahaha. Mmmm...Also just spoke to him telling him how I wished I was there to put his birthday cake icing on his hard cock and lick it all up but apparently I was on speakerphone so this chick heard it and was like OMG I'm traumatized!!! Hahahaha.

After 'za and beer, I headed to a rooftop bar to meet up with CPG (club promoter girl) and CTF (College Turkish Friend). Dude. After I uploaded a picture of CTF and I at the bar on Facebook and Instagram, a couple of my gay friends were like "omg who's this cutie is he gay is his body hot" Hahahaha. CTF is cute but he is such a womanizer and loves to spend money on bottle service. I guess I'm a manizer and love to pop bottles too. Guess that's why we're friends. I have yet to tell him I'm gay. He was asking me to hunt for chicks with him yesterday night. I told him I had work and was gonna go home. The thing is, I think he's homophobic (he's one of those very straight guys), and we're going to a beach party where CPG is hiring A&F models to strut their stuff, and I'll be shirtless and he'll be shirtless and I was wondering when I should tell him I'm gay. Maybe I shouldn't at all lest things get awkward. But I am most definitely going to fucking ogle the fuck out of the A&F models. 

Maybe I'll get lucky? N doesn't do threesomes...I kinda want to. Hehe. Especially since HK is gonna be teeming with hot Eurasian guys hmmm.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Just three more days in the office

What is it with me really? One thing I've realized is that my feelings are never black or white on any matter. I tend to always feel fidgety about my decisions, ranging from the simplest to the biggest most important ones.

I have spoken to my line manager of both my teams, the HR head, and my big boss. I have so far experienced a gamut of emotions. On one hand I feel terribly guilty to these people, for they have invested time and effort on to me, going out of their way to come up with a 3-month rotation for me, for bringing me to Japan for a business trip, and for the very fact that everyone is actually very nice and courteous to me. On the other hand, all I see are unhappy faces resigned to their fates of a rote and fixed life path, along with the constant negative energy flowing out from everyone that just drags me down (it's like Avicii's I Could Be The One), the inane bureaucracy of government organizations for my "rotation" to even be considered an "unprecedented" request, and that my Japan trip was absolute bullshit that was executed so poorly by the Japan team zero information was taken away by me other than the revelation of the stark operational lack of efficiency and expertise of both HQ and Japan teams. 

I seem to walk along the purlieus of being nice, relatable, compassionate, and transmogrifying myself to being incredibly haughty, holier-than-thou, and downright snarky. I listened as my boss not-so-subtly accused me of "not fitting in" and of having "no passion" and I nodded like a meek submissive cog in this entire machine, but I couldn't help but curl my lips a lil at how pathetic of a sow she is. She has horrible makeup - I mean, who wears green eyeshadow to work as a goddamn Director? She looks constantly shabby, her dresses don't fit her well, her skin is bad, she has absolutely no presence, her posture is all slouchy and she never sucks in her tummy, she speaks such poor English, and that was all I could think about as her words danced like little dandelions over me. This is the difference - she has the attitude of a servant, and that is who she will ever be, and maybe she is contented with that, but I do not see myself that way. I nodded, thanked her for all her guidance (I had to pause and gulp for a bit before saying that), and she didn't even shake my hand and told me I could leave.

Worse is, this week is my last week and I'm supposed to just be handing over my shiz to the next dude, which doesn't exist, plus I have nothing to hand over, but the ho-bag gave me a gargantuan task of "do research slides on the Europe property market" well a giant fuck you to you baby.

I'm now with the two fresh grads too, and they asked me a bit about my situation. I felt really guilty at first because one of them is really swamped and I was roped in to help her with something, but now she has to be in charge of it again, and she was clearly rather unhappy about that. But at the back of my head I also was thinking that this task I was supposed to be in charge of is incredibly menial - all I have to do is send emails to remind people to send their shit on-time, and if not, call them and hanker after them. How difficult is that? A high school dropout could do that. 

Basically, no one understands why I need to be around a diverse group of people. One thing I've learned, most people here are rather xenophobic. Maybe it's because of the conformist culture here, and I'm a motherfucking rebel. I guess this is why the foreigners here only hang out with the foreigners, because the locals don't even want them around.

But anyhow, this chapter is all sorted. Huzzah! I know it's strange to be jobless and prospectless, but who cares! I am also looking at flight tickets now to London, hopefully for 10-14 days. Also, next week I'm gonna be meeting up with the family lawyer to review the documents for the family trust fund. I guess it's time to look through it since my younger brother already turned 21 so we're now all "directors." Not gonna lie, I am excited about the coffers hehehe, not that I'm going to be able to have full access to it obviously but I'm determined to grow it (when I'm ready to stop having fun) and truly become phenomenally wealthy. It's all about real estate baby (which was why I took this job initially but I learned utter poop), capital gains on that shit is insane especially in Asia. 

I also cannot stop looking at hot boys at the gym. And I also find myself missing HGG quite a bit, and wishing that I could be more sober to remember all the details of our hookup. I do remember he doesn't exactly have a tight body, but that matters much less to me as long as he has a cute face and is masculine. Oddly enough, I want to have a really hot body for myself though. I wonder if this means that I might not exactly be faithful when I'm in a committed relationship with N. I really do hope not. I want to be a faithful guy, but why do I check out guys all the time? I have such a huge weakness also for minorities or mixed-race guys; I have grown to realize that I really like the Middle Eastern or North Indian look, basically blended features where you cannot exactly pinpoint where the person is from. There were so many hot arms, I couldn't help but stare the entire time. What if this means I am prone to cheating? I am also starting to feel doubts about whether I truly like N - what if I just enjoy the attention that I get from him? It does seem that the nicer he is to me and the more he makes himself always available for me even with the time difference, the more I feel that he's "unreal," that it doesn't make sense for someone to be so ingratiating, especially since it doesn't seem like he has many "flaws." I realize now I have been hounding him about gaining more weight because his skinniness is something that oddly gets to me given that he has no other "flaws" to make him a "real" person. What if I'm one of those who only likes bad boys? But N is honestly such a good catch. I hope I figure out everything. 

I had an honest conversation with him (we are completely honest with each other) where I said I feel like my feelings for him are diminishing as the length of time of us being apart increases (sorry I speak like an econ kid). I also told him that I need to let him know before it actually gets stifling that I do need personal space and I am getting a little tired of how we constantly talk all the time and there isn't much conversation to really update when the latest thing that happened was that I took a poop in a public bathroom. I know he is getting very scared - he knows that the longer we're apart, the more likely we're not going to work out, but then he overcompensates for that by literally messaging me every 15 minutes, even at 4 am his time. 

He said he wanted to please me and not get me upset, but I told him to not coddle me anymore, because it makes me feel like a girl, and one of my biggest pet peeves is when people treat me like a girl, I can't stand it at all. Girls need constant attention, I'm a man! I don't! I'll go out on a Monday night and have a Macallan single shot with my bro-friends if I want to! (I did anyway.) And if after that, we want cheap drinks so we all go to a gay bar wearing suspenders watching Harry Potter on the screen with Paul Rudd speaking in the background I'll do it! (I did that too.) I really don't like how he treats me like a girl just because he's taller than me, and well...has topped me before (for just like 3-5 minutes), but I'll still do a kegstand if I want to! I think this stems from him dating too many girls in the past. We call each other brofriend/manfriend/dudefriend but some times I feel like he treats me like a girlfriend...eurghh. 

I love change, but I am also terrified of it. I do have the tendency to focus on worst-case scenarios. N told me to look at things in the middle, that things will somehow take the middle path. I don't believe in that - given my tumultuous personality and a love-hate predilection for drama, nothing can ever go without a proper bang.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

But I'm a 90's bitch


Dude.

Hmm. My life is hardly sustainable but whatever I'll worry when I'm older

Did some hammock tanning at home by the pool, super chill, I've got a great tan now and I'm loving it. Went to the gym to work out after, and took ninja shots of this dude with an incredible ass. Omg. Firstly, I am rarely attracted to Asians in my country but this dude was hot, plus he kept staring at me...and I am rarely attracted to butts but what a beaut!

 

Damn son!!! I just love looking at dudes working out it's so hot hahaha I'm such a perv. 

And Jack'd is honestly like a game for me now, collecting unread messages like Pokemon really. Changed my pictures to just racy headless shots and dudes just lapped it up like crazy...how pathetic! Oh well. I crossed 400! Yeah okay whatever hah. Also kinda pissed dudes reported my picture so now I'm picture-less for the next five days. Well, doesn't matter I guess, Jack'd has gotten kind of pointless now that I have my prince of Persia hah. 


After my gym sesh I drove out to meet my Indonesian friend for dinner since he's in town for a coupla days. Talked to him about my coming out and being supes comfortable with myself and shit. Honestly still think he's gay, actually like all my friends have kinda already assumed he's gay and waiting for him to come out of the closet but I guess he still needs time. So I just wanted to be like the out gay dude for him in case he ever needs to talk. We also talked about how it's so hard for people like us to find people from similar backgrounds of well yeah, being an international Asian. I'm so used to hanging out with people from all over the world, I'm mighty determined to continue doing that. 

He tagged along with me to a gay bar to meet Half-German Guy (HGG) with me. HGG is actually really adorable. And he isn't stereotypically feminine, plus he went to international school, dresses well, and loves to party. Dude. My kind of crowd. I just like surrounding myself with attractive international people. We talked a bit about his army stuff, I talked about my experience, blahblah, then we headed off to a club to meet his friends.

Man. Honestly if I have to talk about my talents, one of them is that I am somehow really good at meeting rich people. The entire crew there were all Eurasians, just like HGG, all went to international schools here, and there was this chick that spends buttloads of money because her dad works with an oil company or something, and pays in cash some times because her cards are "frozen." My Indo friend was telling me that she sounds very Chindo (Chinese-Indonesian), because of paying by cash, frozen assets, lol...


So she bought the Belvedere Belver Bear Jeroboam and along with a couple of Doms. All by herself. That's like at the very least 3 grand. It's just nuts. And these kids are 19-20. They haven't even started college! I can never be friends with these people in real life because they have no grasp on reality at all, but it's ohsoawesome to party with these irresponsible brats since it's just free booze. After the bear came with sparklers and shit, loads more of her "friends" turned up at the table to mooch off her. This is why I don't wave my money (that much) in front of people's faces, because I don't want to only have friends just because they want my money. I'm quite thankful most of my friends are either genuine good people that just love to tease me about being a prince, or well, they're already from rich families anyway.

Also this is kinda off-topic but I remember after coming back from Uganda I became very determined to try and do something for the less fortunate in the future. Possibly even work for a cool responsible NGO. Or once I have a good amount of money I'll build like an orphanage or something. Something small definitely, not gonna be very big, and also not very interested in helping people around me (you know how people always say oh but these people going off to Africa for "voluntourism" should start in their own backyard) because what's the fun in that, I need some kind of cultural exchange thing going on too. I've kinda lost that humanitarian thing in me now though, and I'm not going to do it unless I genuinely want to help people, so hopefully somewhere in the future I'll get back to that again.

Anyhoo, it was a great night. Free booze, who wouldn't want it? Plus the chick was real nice to me (HGG told his friends that we met on Jack'd and stuff so that's cool) and well, the rest of her friends were pretty cool too. Also it was awesome that my Filipino friend (although my friends are from Indonesia and the Philippines, they're ethnically Chinese) and my Spanish friend were in the club too with their friends so we got to hang out for a bit. After a while though, we all got pretty drunk, and I don't exactly remember how, but HGG and I started making out. I think he got a little freaked because I made out with him outside an elevator in public, and he was like dude we're in public and I realized I forgot that I'm not in London anymore where N and I basically made out everywhere. One thing led to another and we found ourselves in the parking lot behind like the pipes or something naked and sucking off each other. Man. It was pretty hot. However, I think I was the first dude he hooked up with...since he told me he only has two gay friends and he's young (19), because he was honestly not very good at kissing. Maybe he was drunk. But I have shitloads of cuts on my lips now because he bit me multiple times...ouch. He also kinda freaked after a while and so we quickly got our clothes back on when he heard someone, but I couldn't find my fucking underwear in my drunken stupor so I went home underwearless...what a slut. Lol. He texted me later saying he isn't used to this horny erotic shit and apologized for being weird. Hahaha. It's really kind of amazing how I've become so comfortable with guys now.

Anyway, so I've talked to N, and I've told him that for now I simply see myself on an extended bachelor party until we reunite in October (or earlier if I go up to London) and I tie myself down to him. And he's okay with it, as long as I don't do buttsekz with others. Which is completely fine by me, since I don't even enjoy it at all. So I'm glad we got it all figured out, because he knows at the end of the day I'm choosing to be with him, although he said he is very jealous that he isn't with me, and he's a little afraid that I'll replace him. I told him to chill, because just like the dudes I met on my grad trip, I just want to have some playful fun that's all, but I don't see myself being with them. So yeah. Woot!

Also think HGG's gonna be a good pal of mine, the other two gay friends of his are extremely sassy and Birkin bag-wearing kind of people. I'm pretty lucky to always meet more masculine kind of guys, although I guess that's also because I've distanced myself from my feminine gay friends...

And ok, I think I'm becoming more confident of myself now. But it might be tipping over to cockiness. To think I was so different 7 months ago! Now I know that I am very much capable of having attractive guys interested in me, I'm no longer that self-conscious about my appearance and stuff. Going to the gym has definitely helped this self-confidence since I kinda like how my body is slowly but surely transforming. I never wore tanks in the past since I didn't like how small my arms looked, but it's all good now haha. And ok this is a lil TMI (too much information) but whatever this is my blog I can say what I want to, but in the past I used to also be deathly self-conscious about my weiner since I had a really tight foreskin and I couldn't pull it back at all (phimosis) and it bothered me because it was weird and also because whenever I jizzed it would only dribble since I guess the foreskin was in the way. Not being sexually active made me avoid sex even more, since I wasn't out anyway. But after coming out, I started reading up about how to like, loosen it and shit, and I spent like a couple minutes everyday in the shower tugging at the lil thing like a fool. I remember back with Aussie it was still pretty tight and the next day it hurt so much from the friction and abrasion I had to use some kind of burn cream on it :/ Now everything's totally cool bro! And I'm able to shoot prettay far like all over my chest and shit so yeah hahaha. So yeah, I'm a lot more chill about being naked in front of other people now. Hell yeah baby. And I've definitely become quite an exhibitionist too.

I have blocked SAP on Whatsapp and deleted him off Facebook because he is honestly fucking insane and super unchill about just being friends and about me not giving him a chance. I really don't get him.

Right. So for now, I gotta figure out what HR's plans are for me on Monday (please please waive my 4 weeks' notice), and start thinking about a new job. The world is my oyster. Mmm yum oysters. Damn dude my record is 15 at one go. Yeah baby. But yeah, gotta figure out what I wanna do man. And also can't wait to do coupley things with N, like go to Universal Studios with him, eat at swanky places together, make dudes at gay clubs jealous together lol, work out together, steam room together, cuddle and spoon together, take loads of photos together, and stuff! Man! I am getting bad at this blogging thing.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

I quit!

Although this is a pivotal update, it is a rather boring one. On Wednesday, I was talking to my dad about thinking of quitting very soon, since I don't think it's right for me to quit at a later date as the managers were already about to give me more responsibilities, and it wouldn't be nice to quit then. Being the overly-intense Asian father that he is, he immediately sent an email out to the CEO and CIO thanking them for the opportunity but his son is quitting.

Omfg. Well...so I had to tender notice of my resignation immediately to my bosses. I was freaking out about it because how do you sit at your desk knowing that your boss just read your "I quit" email. Strangely, this new manager at my rotation asked me to stay. The HR manager also called me to try to convince me to stay, and when I said I wanted to go to Hong Kong, she offered that we can explore the option of posting me to the Hong Kong retail mall instead.

I struggled with telling them the truth about why I wanted to quit. The egregious inefficiencies in running things? The uncoordinated disorganized haphazard mess with no SOPs? The laughable "open-office" "no hierarchy" concept? The stifling local culture? I told them I just wanted to go to Hong Kong. It was weird.

Well, so that's that. I've officially quit. Gonna meet up with the HR boss on Monday. Hopefully I don't have to do my full month's of notice period, so that I can fly up to London to be with N for maybe a week or two.

It was also really funny that I quit the day after we had a welcome lunch for all the fresh graduates. I was even made to do a speech because I was the dude with the longest tenure back then, although I guess now, I have the shortest lmao. After I made my speech there was such an awkward pause because I basically gave a rather frank review about my time there so far.

The other grad that went to Australia for uni is quitting next week. Lmao...we are such useless shitheads.

After having dinner with a few of my college friends that went to local schools here and thus meh I didn't really have that much fun since no jokes were really made at all, I went out to the same "most exclusive" club in town that I went two weekends ago although honestly it is not exclusive at all. Initially I didn't want to go at all, because I don't have a crew in my home base at all, since everyone that I hang with are all just in transit. However, I decided to still go since...c'mon it's me and there's no way I'm not going out on the eve of a public holiday.

Great perks being friends with a club promoter. I got in for free and had 5 free drink coupons. Basically, I got pretty damn liquored up. We were just dancing in our own little group, talking and shit, and for the first time in my life, I started realizing that I wasn't checking out people in the club that much anymore, since I really just wanted N to be with me. At like 3:30 am-ish, I texted my ex J and she was so cute she was like "omg yeah I'm drunk too" so we drunk-texted each other for a bit, and then when I left all the alcohol hit me. It always seems like when I'm about to go home, I always get really drunk because of the delayed effects. In my drunken horny stupor, I gave a booty call...to ugh yes...SAP.

I know, I'm an ass. But yeah, was not prepared at all that he would actually take a cab down to the club to make sure that I was okay enough to get a cab home. I was actually really disoriented for a while. We sat by the benches facing the bay, and he was talking about how he likes it that I don't dress or talk femme or something, and I don't exactly remember what happened but well yeah he sucked me off in public (I.love.public.sex.) and stopped when people were walking by, and I ended up jizzing in his mouth and he swallowed it. I didn't kiss or touch him. Then I paid extra to get a cab home since it was impossible to flag one down, and woke up the next morning with so many texts from SAP about how I should give him a chance.

Dude is a level 99 clinger, like the overly attached girlfriend kind of shit. I am quite done with him even though he is rather cute and extremely sweet, but way too fucking needy.

N actually called me when I was in the cab back home, and today he told me he sensed something happened that night from my voice. I talked to him a bit about how we're not together yet, but that I am 100% committed to starting a monogamous relationship with him once we're actually in the same place. He then told me he wants to know if I am hooking up with anyone else, rather than feeling lied to if he finds out later. In the end, I told him about what happened with SAP. He did get pissed with me at first, but I explained how I felt, that I don't exactly feel like I'm together with him yet, but everything else doesn't matter anyway because ultimately I'm choosing to be with him, and he has talked about how he is going to introduce me to his mom to come out to her, and my parents already cannot wait to meet him. So I told him, that it's gonna happen, but for now, we aren't boyfriends yet.

He was a lot better after that. I guess along with S too, N is also skeptical about my rather...playful nature. I do like to flirt and be cheeky with guys a lot, but honestly at the end of the day I'm very old-school and would like to be in a completely faithful relationship with someone.

Tomorrow I'm gonna meet up with the really adorable half-German guy at a gay bar for pre-drinks, before heading out with a few college friends (that went to international schools) after. It's been a lot of fun talking to the HGG so far, and he definitely seems a lot smarter and more stable than SAP. SAP has horrible English and honestly it just makes me look down on him; I can't stand bad English (even if typed) because it just makes me assume the dude is stupid, and honestly, SAP is probably pretty stupid. Just like Aussie. They're like, rather simple-minded and stuff. Not much sophistication, yknow? I don't like that.

Well anyway that's that. I worked for 10 weeks, took 5 weeks off, worked for 3 weeks, then resigned. Lmao.

It's a public holiday but since I'm pretty much crewless I'm staying in tonight. Hopefully I'll be able to see N pretty soon!! It's about 60k mileage points to fly return off-peak, which is totally dece since I didn't fly back here on business class so I saved myself 90k points so yeah. Plus I think my dad just converted our Amex points to about 800k miles lawl so pretty much can fly anywhere.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

#accidentalplayer

My mind is a little frenzied right now, partially due to the lack of sleep of only 4 hours. I shall explain what went on last night:

Before I met SAP (South African Pilot) in person, on Whatsapp I informed him of N, that he was moving to HK for a year in October, and that I would be joining him and giving him a shot. However, I fudged things up a bit, by saying also that however since he's not here yet, I was keeping my options open. This is not entirely false; N has said that I am only his "pseudo-boyfriend" for now, and thus I am free to do what I want although he would be really hurt. I understood this completely, and thus I've mostly been a very good boy so far.

However, there was still part of me feeling like October is so, so, incredibly far away, and that I could have an extended bachelor's party till he comes here. Therefore, I left that vague caveat to SAP, more in the way so that we could make out without feeling guilty (should that arise), but little did I know he would get involved so quickly.

He chose a really nice place for drinks,

Inline images 1

It was on top one of these Avatar-like trees on the 16th floor. Great weather, but horribly watered down and expensive cocktails. When he sat down, I thought he was a pretty cute guy with a great warm smile, but he definitely had a bit of a belly. I know, shallow dick right here. We talked from 9:45 pm till 11:30, and somehow managed to cover through quite a good portion of our personal lives. His family is deeply religious, he lived in Perth for a good amount of time, and his off days are brilliant because he gets to go to Phuket or Bali for a weekend free since well, he flies the plane there. He sort of also spent quite a lot of time in my country growing up, but has never felt a connection with the locals here, hence probably why R was given the impression he didn't like Asians. The story behind this is I messaged him back in March, and he snubbed me, and R saw it, and told me that SAP was hooking up with our Polish friend, and that he told the Polish guy he doesn't like Asians. 

Along with the exotic-ness of being South African and being a pilot, I thought he wouldn't fancy me at all. Out of my league, or something, and that I would be meeting him purely as friends. Then when we were alone on a skybridge, and we were peeking up at a hotel room watching a chick change out of her bra, he leans in and kisses me, and I somehow kiss him back. We then kissed one more time on the escalator down to the parking lot (as I've mentioned, I love public shit), but both times I didn't feel guilty to N at all. I don't know if this makes me an asshole or not, but I rationalized it by thinking that I needed to first see how I felt about kissing other guys while pseudo-seeing N, and it felt kind of odd. But it also didn't mean anything to me, so I actually straight up told SAP that I like him as a friend and I hope he's open-minded enough that I made out with him but I'll like to just be friends. I could tell immediately after that it was a mistake for saying that because he became pretty pallid. In a selfish way, SAP reaffirmed that I do like N quite a lot. But I realize that is such a dick move, because that was precisely what S saw me as - a testing buffer for his relationship with his bf. And it also scares me how easily I give in to temptation, on the possibly? bullshit self-defensive excuse that it "means nothing." 

The entire night though, N was messaging me, and finally SAP asked me if I was talking to N, and I showed him a picture of N (SAP said he's really hot), and began talking to him excitedly about how I was waiting for him to come over in October and we're gonna figure things out together. I think that killed him, that my "keeping my options open" thing was completely bullshit. 

He also paid for most of my drinks. I think he did it because he was going to ask me out. How was I to know that this guy would actually fancy me so quickly?

His last text was this: "Goodnight K, please have a good day tomorrow. Been sitting here with whatsapp open for ages thinking what to say: so I guess the only thing I can say Is this, "I'm not going anywhere". You know exactly where I am and who I am, all you gotta do is call, regards handsome guy x"

I did not mean to do that at all. I was an accidental player. I think part of the thing was also because I just thought sure, people might want to make out with me, but very few people would wanna go out with me, so I assumed nothing would happen between me and SAP. And from N, and now SAP, I think I have got to be less insecure about myself. Apparently I am a good catch, and I should start seeing myself that way. And I think because of N, I've regained quite a lot of self-confidence, and I think that's what also attracts people, which is ironic since...I shouldn't be attracting people as an "attached guy."

I had to come clean to N. My friend told me that I should learn the practice of omission. I couldn't though. Why I couldn't really fool around with me before coming out to family/friends is because I cannot lead a double life, or lie to the people close to me at all. I told him I met a SAP for drinks, and we ended up making out. He kissed me, and I didn't push him away, however it meant nothing, and that I would never want to hurt him. I explained a lot of other stuff to him too, about how I am serious about him meeting my parents etc. And I told him I was upfront with SAP after making out that there is no future between us because I am committed to N. 

N was initially very taken aback, and he got really quiet because he was at dinner and his boss/friend told him to stop texting since it was rude. He texted me this morning apologizing to me if he sounded angry last night because he has no right to feel that way since we are only pseudo-boyfriends, and that he trusts me and hopes that I wouldn't hurt him.

Honestly, this is all very new to me. While I have joked in the past about being the heartbreaker instead of the broken-hearted, I really did mean it completely as a joke. I've never had any effect on anyone in the past. Girls never looked at me; no one has confessed that they liked me. I always assumed that I would be the one so much more involved in the relationship than the other guy, because I tend to fall in love with guys out of my league. Now that other feelings are involved, I have to rethink how I approach men in the future. 

For the half-German boy that I'm going to meet on Friday, I will be completely upfront with him prior-meeting up that I have a boyfriend. I think it is best that way. I have realized that I am hardly infallible - and am quite malleable to temptations just like every other guy. And it makes me feel a little disgusted with myself, to be so average in this aspect.