Tuesday, August 6, 2013

#accidentalplayer

My mind is a little frenzied right now, partially due to the lack of sleep of only 4 hours. I shall explain what went on last night:

Before I met SAP (South African Pilot) in person, on Whatsapp I informed him of N, that he was moving to HK for a year in October, and that I would be joining him and giving him a shot. However, I fudged things up a bit, by saying also that however since he's not here yet, I was keeping my options open. This is not entirely false; N has said that I am only his "pseudo-boyfriend" for now, and thus I am free to do what I want although he would be really hurt. I understood this completely, and thus I've mostly been a very good boy so far.

However, there was still part of me feeling like October is so, so, incredibly far away, and that I could have an extended bachelor's party till he comes here. Therefore, I left that vague caveat to SAP, more in the way so that we could make out without feeling guilty (should that arise), but little did I know he would get involved so quickly.

He chose a really nice place for drinks,

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It was on top one of these Avatar-like trees on the 16th floor. Great weather, but horribly watered down and expensive cocktails. When he sat down, I thought he was a pretty cute guy with a great warm smile, but he definitely had a bit of a belly. I know, shallow dick right here. We talked from 9:45 pm till 11:30, and somehow managed to cover through quite a good portion of our personal lives. His family is deeply religious, he lived in Perth for a good amount of time, and his off days are brilliant because he gets to go to Phuket or Bali for a weekend free since well, he flies the plane there. He sort of also spent quite a lot of time in my country growing up, but has never felt a connection with the locals here, hence probably why R was given the impression he didn't like Asians. The story behind this is I messaged him back in March, and he snubbed me, and R saw it, and told me that SAP was hooking up with our Polish friend, and that he told the Polish guy he doesn't like Asians. 

Along with the exotic-ness of being South African and being a pilot, I thought he wouldn't fancy me at all. Out of my league, or something, and that I would be meeting him purely as friends. Then when we were alone on a skybridge, and we were peeking up at a hotel room watching a chick change out of her bra, he leans in and kisses me, and I somehow kiss him back. We then kissed one more time on the escalator down to the parking lot (as I've mentioned, I love public shit), but both times I didn't feel guilty to N at all. I don't know if this makes me an asshole or not, but I rationalized it by thinking that I needed to first see how I felt about kissing other guys while pseudo-seeing N, and it felt kind of odd. But it also didn't mean anything to me, so I actually straight up told SAP that I like him as a friend and I hope he's open-minded enough that I made out with him but I'll like to just be friends. I could tell immediately after that it was a mistake for saying that because he became pretty pallid. In a selfish way, SAP reaffirmed that I do like N quite a lot. But I realize that is such a dick move, because that was precisely what S saw me as - a testing buffer for his relationship with his bf. And it also scares me how easily I give in to temptation, on the possibly? bullshit self-defensive excuse that it "means nothing." 

The entire night though, N was messaging me, and finally SAP asked me if I was talking to N, and I showed him a picture of N (SAP said he's really hot), and began talking to him excitedly about how I was waiting for him to come over in October and we're gonna figure things out together. I think that killed him, that my "keeping my options open" thing was completely bullshit. 

He also paid for most of my drinks. I think he did it because he was going to ask me out. How was I to know that this guy would actually fancy me so quickly?

His last text was this: "Goodnight K, please have a good day tomorrow. Been sitting here with whatsapp open for ages thinking what to say: so I guess the only thing I can say Is this, "I'm not going anywhere". You know exactly where I am and who I am, all you gotta do is call, regards handsome guy x"

I did not mean to do that at all. I was an accidental player. I think part of the thing was also because I just thought sure, people might want to make out with me, but very few people would wanna go out with me, so I assumed nothing would happen between me and SAP. And from N, and now SAP, I think I have got to be less insecure about myself. Apparently I am a good catch, and I should start seeing myself that way. And I think because of N, I've regained quite a lot of self-confidence, and I think that's what also attracts people, which is ironic since...I shouldn't be attracting people as an "attached guy."

I had to come clean to N. My friend told me that I should learn the practice of omission. I couldn't though. Why I couldn't really fool around with me before coming out to family/friends is because I cannot lead a double life, or lie to the people close to me at all. I told him I met a SAP for drinks, and we ended up making out. He kissed me, and I didn't push him away, however it meant nothing, and that I would never want to hurt him. I explained a lot of other stuff to him too, about how I am serious about him meeting my parents etc. And I told him I was upfront with SAP after making out that there is no future between us because I am committed to N. 

N was initially very taken aback, and he got really quiet because he was at dinner and his boss/friend told him to stop texting since it was rude. He texted me this morning apologizing to me if he sounded angry last night because he has no right to feel that way since we are only pseudo-boyfriends, and that he trusts me and hopes that I wouldn't hurt him.

Honestly, this is all very new to me. While I have joked in the past about being the heartbreaker instead of the broken-hearted, I really did mean it completely as a joke. I've never had any effect on anyone in the past. Girls never looked at me; no one has confessed that they liked me. I always assumed that I would be the one so much more involved in the relationship than the other guy, because I tend to fall in love with guys out of my league. Now that other feelings are involved, I have to rethink how I approach men in the future. 

For the half-German boy that I'm going to meet on Friday, I will be completely upfront with him prior-meeting up that I have a boyfriend. I think it is best that way. I have realized that I am hardly infallible - and am quite malleable to temptations just like every other guy. And it makes me feel a little disgusted with myself, to be so average in this aspect. 

2 comments:

  1. What is that cliched thing people say about loving yourself first before whatever can happen? Ya do that because you are [insert whatever and as many shameless adjectives as you want].

    I think you might have to tone down the cheekiness lest people get the wrong impression.


    Since SAP is not going anywhere, you can ask him to work off that belly in the meantime, no?

    -jw

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  2. You are a smart guy . . . which makes you dangerous as a BF. Why? You can self-rationalize just about anything.

    You were getting better at developing your sense of empathy -- it's a pretty easy concept: put yourself in someone else's shoes. Not so easy to implement when you still are working on impulse control. But I think you are getting there, you feel regret after the fact. You just have to advance your thinking and feeling so that you avoid feeling regret, and that prevents you from doing things in the first place.

    You are finding you have this power to attract people to you, and so you have to learn how to harness that in the right situations and circumstances. And lying thru omission will still get you in trouble if you are caught, so you are on the right track not to use that.

    If you want to be with N and give him his shot, don't sabotage things -- he is testing you. He doesn't want to be controlling, he doesn't have the right, but he already laid a guilt trap for you -- he told he would be hurt if you strayed from your psuedo-BF commitment, what that is anyway. By making it nebulous with ill-defined boundaries, you could easily step over and not even realize it.

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