I've listened to Miley's We Can't Stop more than 80 times now. It's like a dreamy drugged anthem for me, talking about molly, cocaine in the bathroom, and basically just not giving a fuck about anything or anyone. There is something about broken but beautiful female celebrities that is so strangely alluring to me, I realized this when I first was magnetically attracted to Marissa Cooper of the O.C. (Mischa Barton btw, also recently crashed and burned). Since then, I've been fascinated with young, damaged, pretty girls. Yes, only girls. I don't care if guys are broken. Brooding yes, not broken. Of course though, Miley's transformation is so fucking been there done that for Hollywood.
I think in some ways, I'm enthralled by self-destruction, yet without the actual destruction. I just like the feeling of...feeling self-destructive. I like closing my eyes and slowly swaying my body in a trance-like manner like I'm under the influence of some really potent drug. I like watching shows about teenage debauchery, like Skins, where the people are all broken and messed up, and where the really pretty Effy Stonem (actress Kaya Scodelario: I remember her full name because I had a huge crush on her) had this scene where she was laying in the forest taking shrooms on a camping trip, and she opens her eyes with really thick seductive makeup and they're the most tranquil blue ever.
I spent the afternoon at the office reading articles about Amanda Bynes, and how she's so messed up now. That's an example of self-destructiveness with the actual destruction though. I would never want to end up like that. She is now beyond weird. But what I'm trying to say is, I'm still very much enamored by the idea of being young, rich, beautiful, damaged, hedonistic. I guess why I am enthralled by these people; I am living vicariously through their self-destruction whilst protecting myself from my own.
I detest a boring, regular, average life. While I want to settle down monogamously with a lifelong partner, I want us to be fucking wild and free, but also sensible. Basically, I want to feel like I'm constantly on drugs without actually using them. A sort of devil-may-care cavalier sense and sensibility. Things cannot be repetitive or monotonous. Nothing is worse than being bland.
At some point in time, I better wake the fuck up and realize that there is a lot more to life than just looks and being so self-absorbed. I drove over to my grandma's after work to pay her a visit, and she was so incredibly happy I went on my own initiative. She told me she feels very blessed and contented, that her sons call her everyday, and that her grandchildren visit her, even though she is riddled with health problems. I took a selfie with her to send it to my parents and she held my arm so tightly and smiled so sincerely it broke my heart that I didn't care that much for this woman than she did for me. I started crying actually, feeling so guilty about myself.