Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Just three more days in the office

What is it with me really? One thing I've realized is that my feelings are never black or white on any matter. I tend to always feel fidgety about my decisions, ranging from the simplest to the biggest most important ones.

I have spoken to my line manager of both my teams, the HR head, and my big boss. I have so far experienced a gamut of emotions. On one hand I feel terribly guilty to these people, for they have invested time and effort on to me, going out of their way to come up with a 3-month rotation for me, for bringing me to Japan for a business trip, and for the very fact that everyone is actually very nice and courteous to me. On the other hand, all I see are unhappy faces resigned to their fates of a rote and fixed life path, along with the constant negative energy flowing out from everyone that just drags me down (it's like Avicii's I Could Be The One), the inane bureaucracy of government organizations for my "rotation" to even be considered an "unprecedented" request, and that my Japan trip was absolute bullshit that was executed so poorly by the Japan team zero information was taken away by me other than the revelation of the stark operational lack of efficiency and expertise of both HQ and Japan teams. 

I seem to walk along the purlieus of being nice, relatable, compassionate, and transmogrifying myself to being incredibly haughty, holier-than-thou, and downright snarky. I listened as my boss not-so-subtly accused me of "not fitting in" and of having "no passion" and I nodded like a meek submissive cog in this entire machine, but I couldn't help but curl my lips a lil at how pathetic of a sow she is. She has horrible makeup - I mean, who wears green eyeshadow to work as a goddamn Director? She looks constantly shabby, her dresses don't fit her well, her skin is bad, she has absolutely no presence, her posture is all slouchy and she never sucks in her tummy, she speaks such poor English, and that was all I could think about as her words danced like little dandelions over me. This is the difference - she has the attitude of a servant, and that is who she will ever be, and maybe she is contented with that, but I do not see myself that way. I nodded, thanked her for all her guidance (I had to pause and gulp for a bit before saying that), and she didn't even shake my hand and told me I could leave.

Worse is, this week is my last week and I'm supposed to just be handing over my shiz to the next dude, which doesn't exist, plus I have nothing to hand over, but the ho-bag gave me a gargantuan task of "do research slides on the Europe property market" well a giant fuck you to you baby.

I'm now with the two fresh grads too, and they asked me a bit about my situation. I felt really guilty at first because one of them is really swamped and I was roped in to help her with something, but now she has to be in charge of it again, and she was clearly rather unhappy about that. But at the back of my head I also was thinking that this task I was supposed to be in charge of is incredibly menial - all I have to do is send emails to remind people to send their shit on-time, and if not, call them and hanker after them. How difficult is that? A high school dropout could do that. 

Basically, no one understands why I need to be around a diverse group of people. One thing I've learned, most people here are rather xenophobic. Maybe it's because of the conformist culture here, and I'm a motherfucking rebel. I guess this is why the foreigners here only hang out with the foreigners, because the locals don't even want them around.

But anyhow, this chapter is all sorted. Huzzah! I know it's strange to be jobless and prospectless, but who cares! I am also looking at flight tickets now to London, hopefully for 10-14 days. Also, next week I'm gonna be meeting up with the family lawyer to review the documents for the family trust fund. I guess it's time to look through it since my younger brother already turned 21 so we're now all "directors." Not gonna lie, I am excited about the coffers hehehe, not that I'm going to be able to have full access to it obviously but I'm determined to grow it (when I'm ready to stop having fun) and truly become phenomenally wealthy. It's all about real estate baby (which was why I took this job initially but I learned utter poop), capital gains on that shit is insane especially in Asia. 

I also cannot stop looking at hot boys at the gym. And I also find myself missing HGG quite a bit, and wishing that I could be more sober to remember all the details of our hookup. I do remember he doesn't exactly have a tight body, but that matters much less to me as long as he has a cute face and is masculine. Oddly enough, I want to have a really hot body for myself though. I wonder if this means that I might not exactly be faithful when I'm in a committed relationship with N. I really do hope not. I want to be a faithful guy, but why do I check out guys all the time? I have such a huge weakness also for minorities or mixed-race guys; I have grown to realize that I really like the Middle Eastern or North Indian look, basically blended features where you cannot exactly pinpoint where the person is from. There were so many hot arms, I couldn't help but stare the entire time. What if this means I am prone to cheating? I am also starting to feel doubts about whether I truly like N - what if I just enjoy the attention that I get from him? It does seem that the nicer he is to me and the more he makes himself always available for me even with the time difference, the more I feel that he's "unreal," that it doesn't make sense for someone to be so ingratiating, especially since it doesn't seem like he has many "flaws." I realize now I have been hounding him about gaining more weight because his skinniness is something that oddly gets to me given that he has no other "flaws" to make him a "real" person. What if I'm one of those who only likes bad boys? But N is honestly such a good catch. I hope I figure out everything. 

I had an honest conversation with him (we are completely honest with each other) where I said I feel like my feelings for him are diminishing as the length of time of us being apart increases (sorry I speak like an econ kid). I also told him that I need to let him know before it actually gets stifling that I do need personal space and I am getting a little tired of how we constantly talk all the time and there isn't much conversation to really update when the latest thing that happened was that I took a poop in a public bathroom. I know he is getting very scared - he knows that the longer we're apart, the more likely we're not going to work out, but then he overcompensates for that by literally messaging me every 15 minutes, even at 4 am his time. 

He said he wanted to please me and not get me upset, but I told him to not coddle me anymore, because it makes me feel like a girl, and one of my biggest pet peeves is when people treat me like a girl, I can't stand it at all. Girls need constant attention, I'm a man! I don't! I'll go out on a Monday night and have a Macallan single shot with my bro-friends if I want to! (I did anyway.) And if after that, we want cheap drinks so we all go to a gay bar wearing suspenders watching Harry Potter on the screen with Paul Rudd speaking in the background I'll do it! (I did that too.) I really don't like how he treats me like a girl just because he's taller than me, and well...has topped me before (for just like 3-5 minutes), but I'll still do a kegstand if I want to! I think this stems from him dating too many girls in the past. We call each other brofriend/manfriend/dudefriend but some times I feel like he treats me like a girlfriend...eurghh. 

I love change, but I am also terrified of it. I do have the tendency to focus on worst-case scenarios. N told me to look at things in the middle, that things will somehow take the middle path. I don't believe in that - given my tumultuous personality and a love-hate predilection for drama, nothing can ever go without a proper bang.

1 comment:

  1. For the N situation, I'm thinking you are over-thinking this and creating all this doubt when it's not really justified yet.

    If you are serious about wanting to try a relationship with N, then wait for him because he is worth it. Don't rationalize that he's far away and therefore you have the right to roam, just because you are lonely or bored.

    Creating trust issues up front is not the way you want to start things. You should take a hard look at what you want. If it really is N, then do not sabotage your budding relationship before it even gets off the ground.

    You are starting to create opportunities for a self-fulfilling prophecy: You're not sure it's going to work with N, so you sow seeds, and when he starts reacting to those, you tell him not to, which just creates more doubts, then resentment, then before you know it, things blow up. Then you'll say, see you were right, but in reality you contributed to it.

    As for the girl thing, if you don't want to be accused of acting like a girl, being more sure and decisive would help. Study an issue, understand the pros and cons, then make a decision instead of hemming and hawing.

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