Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Land of Dreams


This was a video N showed to me. I must say this is extremely good marketing, it really makes me want to do a roadtrip in the states. N was talking to me about how he wants to go back to America some day (he was born in LA and lived near Beverly Hills) and wants to travel with me. Also to Iran, to Australia, etc. He showed me a bunch of photos of places of interest of the Persian Empire and animatedly told me about how he has came up with an itinerary of what we're gonna do in Iran. Whenever we get there. It was about 5 am in London when he called me about this, as he gets up quite a bit at strange times to talk to me. As gay as this sounds, he asked me to sing him a couple Disney lullabies (Prince of Egypt - ok technically not Disney, Hunchback of Notre Dame, The Little Mermaid) and he fell asleep on the phone and I whispered to him good night and gave him a good night kiss over the phone.

Today my dad was talking to me as his plane was taking off for Chicago, and asked me if I ever asked N what did he see in me that attracted him to me. I was taken aback by his question, and asked him to explain further. He said he wanted to see if N has thought this through carefully, because I have many shortcomings, and that as N is very good-looking, a lot of guys will be after him, and he might leave me. I felt the room close in on me, the realization that my dad thinks that I am not good enough for a boy he has not yet met, that I have no redeeming qualities to keep him by my side.

Strangely, N called me soon after I spoke to my dad, and I was once again plagued with a lot of insecurities. I asked him what did he ever see in me, when he can get anyone else so easily, someone much better-looking, taller, more responsible, employed, less black-hearted, less of a fuck-up, etc. I told him he was delusional and blind to want to be with me, and told him I needed to think if our relationship can ever work out when I'm trailing behind him so much in every aspect. He told me to shut up and that I was a fool, but I was already crying and feeling sorry for myself. I told him I'll talk to him another time, and ignored most of his messages for the day.

He told me he honestly had a panic attack when I said all those, and he wrote to me "I swear my heart is literally popping out my mouth just at the thought of perhaps losing you. Specially for such a pathetic and stupid reason. I guess I didn't know how much I actually like you" and he used one of those cutesy Asian sticker emoticons of a dude acting coy or something.

The thing is, I truly feel inadequate, and I am pretty sure objectively I am inadequate. I still struggle so much with self esteem issues. I heard someone once tell me that you can only be in a healthy relationship if you're doing okay by yourself, if not you'd just dump all your personal problems on your partner too. Maybe I'm not ready for a relationship at all. Maybe I should let N go. He probably deserves someone so much better. I'm not really sure what I deserve at all.

7 comments:

  1. Growing up with parental criticism and disapproval can really damage a person's self-esteem and affect future relationships. Ask me now I know this!

    Please listen to what N says about you and not your father. I know it will be difficult!

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    1. thanks buddy bear :) it's definitely pretty difficult because it plays into my insecurities a lot :(

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  2. OMG! Why oh why do you let others determine your self worth? You can have doubts, we all do at some point but let the naysayers inspire you to want to do better, don't just roll over like some door mat.

    I mentioned to you previously, if you are going to give N a shot, at least let it be a fair one. Don't sabotage your budding relationship before it takes hold. If you go in with all these doubts and insecurities, it's just going to end up being a self-fulfilling prophecy, because you will be focusing on all the things that don't work out right and tune out all the evidence that's contrary to your fears. It's called confirmation bias.

    If N turns out to be good partner for you, he will help reassure you and boost your self-confidence. This talk about letting him go find someone better is so silly and so premature. I think you father was just trying to protect you, there's another dynamic at play with him. Most parents would say the opposite, no guy is good enough for my son. Not my son is not good enough. Maybe it's the asian way at being passive-aggressive? If it bothers you that much, you should talk with your father about it, don't drag N into the issue.

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  3. Kenn-do:

    I thought about your situation off and on today, do you think your dad might be using some reverse psychology on you? By saying in effect "you are not good enough" -- maybe that's a way to challenge you and get your competition going? Maybe he hopes this will inspire you to say to yourself "I'll show you!" and thus get you to take charge of things going on in your life.

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    1. he told me he didn't mean it that way at all, and it's just his poor english. he meant it more like 'does N really like you and want to stay for the long term and doesn't see this as just a fling' i asked him to speak to me in mandarin from now on for "sensitive" issues LOL

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  4. Hey! What happened to your lovely profile pict? There's a circle with a dash in its place. Is it modern?

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