Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Responsible adult

I'm having one of those all-too-familiar panic crisis mode things again, where I just want to curl up in a ball and hope that everything turns out either fine, or that I just end up dead anyway. It's odd that I think about death quite a lot. I find it so thoroughly impossible not to shirk responsibilities. My mom just told me to "get real" and send out my resume to every single headhunting/recruitment seeking firm out there begging people to hire me, among other things that she just yabbered on and I listened with a blank stare. Sometimes my mom doesn't get it that her voice gets so shrill every time she gets into one of these "back during my time, I used to do this" stories and I die a little each time.

I get so nervous, like impossibly nervous, whenever I have to put myself under pressure. Usually, after an initial period of faltering I take charge and come round doing okay. But my family doesn't get it, that I need baby steps to "get real" for a lot of things. Eventually I do come round. It happened with my coming out process. My fam was getting so exasperated with how apparently "distant" and different I became. I just needed time to get used to things. Now I am my usual self around them and they're happy too.

I just need my parents to UNDERSTAND ME. Yes, I sit around playing video games all day at home, but I NEED this for now, before I can snap out of shit and start taking charge. I am not like other people, I am sorry. I have always been kind of bitter about how everyone seems so sure about what they want to do in their lives, and even if they don't have a passion for anything, they have a passion for money, and they work at whatever job they can get. I don't even have a passion for money; honestly I could care less about money for now, until I have none of course. I don't understand how people go about applying for jobs, sending out their resumes, creating LinkedIn accounts, going for interview after interview after interview. This whole thing seems like a mammoth task and I just can't handle. Which further depresses me because I've always thought that I'm an intelligent person that can work under pressure (at least that's what I always say at interviews) but that is completely untrue...I get annoyed or I crumble when things don't go my way, or when I have to go out of my way.

I know I need to grow up, but how does one just...grow up? It always feels like I know all the steps to "succeed" but I just cannot find the will to do anything about it. Somehow I always believe things will magically fall into place, and so I don't have the motivation to give any shit about it. I fucking hate my brain some times for thinking like this.

How does one become more passionate to become employed? That's my fucking problem. I don't give a shit that I'm unemployed. My parents keep saying omgggg you're so spoiled back during our days we had to scramble to survive, well I'm sorry but you raised me as a spoiled kid most of this is your doing, so either you back off and let me fucking fail by myself first and then crawl to you for help, or you continue feeding me my fucking silver spoon, just stahp coming into my room like a leaf blower all over my face. I will figure it out okay?

Or at least, I hope I do. Gulp.

3 comments:

  1. "How does one become more passionate to become employed?"

    Reverse that sentence...

    "How does one become employed when one is passionate?"

    ...and the question pretty much answers itself.

    You don't give a shit because you haven't found something you're passionate about. Until you do, you will stay unmotivated. What your parents do or say doesn't really matter.

    Think about the happiest non-sexual times in your life. What were you doing? Why were you so happy? What kind of work can you do that will reproduce those same feelings?

    The opposite of mundane is passionate. Isn't one of your goals in life not to be mundane?

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  2. You answered your own question. You're not passionate about anything because its come too easily. Your parents seem to love you very, very much. But I'm afraid by making things too easy...by feeding you with that silver spoon they've inadvertently and unintentionally and only for the purest motives robbed you of your drive. It's human nature not to see the value in things that come too easily. When things cost us we tend to value them more and work harder to keep them.

    Adolescence and young adulthood is a painful time for most people. It's fraught with insecurity, coupled weirdly, with an inflated opinion of ourselves. But the lessons you learn now are what prepare you for life's real challenges...all life's pain and traumas. And no one (at least no one I've ever met) escapes those traumas....the death of loved ones, the loss of partners, the betrayal by friends, the health scares.

    I'm not trying to make the future seem bleak but reality is you WILL face some of those things. And no one can protect anyone else entirely. Now is the time to develop those strengths and skills. To your credit you seem to realize this. But that's the first step. Have you considered talking to someone? Not sure if there are cultural barriers to therapy but it can really do a lot to help you define the areas you need to look at and help you fashion a strategy for achieving that which you want.

    Good luck. You're smart and you seem to have a good heart. You'll get there but it's not easy.

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  3. I had the same reaction as the other two commenters -- your goal is not to just be employed and get by. It sounds like you need to find a career/occupation you enjoy and hopefully earning a living will flow from that. All too often though we choose practical over passion and while it pays the bills, having to drag yourself to work doesn't create much satisfaction.

    You said earlier you want to do something that has a lot more interaction with people. Now using that as your inspiration what kind of job would suit you? Sales? You said you want to sell real estate, why not try being a realtor?

    Didn't you take one of them career guide tests back in high school that gives you suggestions of what fields to pursue based on your interests?

    Get your folks to gift you some seed money and open a club/bar for gays. That way it covers you for alcohol and guys.

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