I'm having one of those all-too-familiar panic crisis mode things again, where I just want to curl up in a ball and hope that everything turns out either fine, or that I just end up dead anyway. It's odd that I think about death quite a lot. I find it so thoroughly impossible not to shirk responsibilities. My mom just told me to "get real" and send out my resume to every single headhunting/recruitment seeking firm out there begging people to hire me, among other things that she just yabbered on and I listened with a blank stare. Sometimes my mom doesn't get it that her voice gets so shrill every time she gets into one of these "back during my time, I used to do this" stories and I die a little each time.
I get so nervous, like impossibly nervous, whenever I have to put myself under pressure. Usually, after an initial period of faltering I take charge and come round doing okay. But my family doesn't get it, that I need baby steps to "get real" for a lot of things. Eventually I do come round. It happened with my coming out process. My fam was getting so exasperated with how apparently "distant" and different I became. I just needed time to get used to things. Now I am my usual self around them and they're happy too.
I just need my parents to UNDERSTAND ME. Yes, I sit around playing video games all day at home, but I NEED this for now, before I can snap out of shit and start taking charge. I am not like other people, I am sorry. I have always been kind of bitter about how everyone seems so sure about what they want to do in their lives, and even if they don't have a passion for anything, they have a passion for money, and they work at whatever job they can get. I don't even have a passion for money; honestly I could care less about money for now, until I have none of course. I don't understand how people go about applying for jobs, sending out their resumes, creating LinkedIn accounts, going for interview after interview after interview. This whole thing seems like a mammoth task and I just can't handle. Which further depresses me because I've always thought that I'm an intelligent person that can work under pressure (at least that's what I always say at interviews) but that is completely untrue...I get annoyed or I crumble when things don't go my way, or when I have to go out of my way.
I know I need to grow up, but how does one just...grow up? It always feels like I know all the steps to "succeed" but I just cannot find the will to do anything about it. Somehow I always believe things will magically fall into place, and so I don't have the motivation to give any shit about it. I fucking hate my brain some times for thinking like this.
How does one become more passionate to become employed? That's my fucking problem. I don't give a shit that I'm unemployed. My parents keep saying omgggg you're so spoiled back during our days we had to scramble to survive, well I'm sorry but you raised me as a spoiled kid most of this is your doing, so either you back off and let me fucking fail by myself first and then crawl to you for help, or you continue feeding me my fucking silver spoon, just stahp coming into my room like a leaf blower all over my face. I will figure it out okay?
Or at least, I hope I do. Gulp.