Wednesday, September 25, 2013

No interest to put a title

Dude in this video is hot. Song is catchy too.

Anyone can recommend any new blogs to read? It seems like the usual I follow aren't blogging anymore. Guess everyone's busy.

I've also been thinking about my own blog. I tend to blog only when I'm down or alone with my own thoughts, hence there's only a rather skewed perspective of who I am as a person on here. And I've realized on Facebook I only post wantonly exciting/happy pictures/statuses, and that's also another skewed perspective of me. I spoke to yet another high school friend on Facebook who gave me the impression he is rather intimidated by how much I've changed. Look forward my friends. This is the kind of sickening mentality that leaves my metropolis of a country so insanely culturally regressive.

There isn't much to really say, but I do keep coming back here and wondering what I should write. I've been meeting more of N's friends, and they're all incredibly awesome. N gave me the impression that absolutely none of his friends had a clue about him being gay (since he has dated plenty of girls in the past), and thus he was nervous but also excited to be introducing me to his friends. Turns out, all of them have guessed a longgg time ago, but never really cared to confirm it because dude wow, London is actually pretty progressive. And I've been observing N, he definitely isn't the manliest man out there, and so it got me thinking about my own situation where many of my friends told me they had suspected it in the past too. So I think I've come to realize that closeted gay guys aren't exactly as "closeted" as we think we are, that our close friends will always somehow sort of figure it out. I feel like while N and I aren't immediately obvious, if you hang out with us long enough (individually), you'll definitely think that we might be gay.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that for closet cases out there, honestly it isn't going to be completely devastating to come out to friends, because those that have stuck around with you, probably already have had a clue, and are still your friends because they don't care about that. Which is comforting.

I feel very bad though, because N pushed his flight forward by a month because I was being shifty back when we were still long-distancing this shit saying that the distance might make me...well, distant. Now I get this feeling that his mom isn't prepared at all for her son to be leaving so soon (she confided in me, while I helped her in the garden for 2 hours - excellent bonding time btw - that she is preoccupying herself so she doesn't have to think of Sept 29th when N leaves), and so are his friends, who are just trickling back into London for the first week of school. He has barely 3 days left here, and today is his last day of work, which really was a mistake too, as he hasn't started packing at all, or saying goodbye to many of his friends.

I know I shouldn't blame myself but I really do feel guilty that he might not be able to properly say goodbye to everyone in London. Like I'm stealing him away from everyone. However, it was his own resolute decision to leave everything behind in London for a while to "find himself," so I really shouldn't feel so shitty.

His friends have all said that we are incredibly cute as a couple. Awwww. Haha. It's a very nice feeling. More than ten of us were cramped up in the roof terrace of a friend's apartment, drinking wine and talking about life (and bitching about the crazy delusional bitch who is in love with N), then after that the Blondies all left (it was funny because the party was split up: the blondes included the Frenchies and the Italians, all of whose accents were really thick I couldn't really understand what they were saying, and the other half were the, voila, Asians: Saudi Arabian, Indian, Saudi-born Chinese, etc.) and I bought some weed and we all smoked up. The girls kept prodding me about how N and I met, and N was visibly uncomfortable, but I told them "we found love in a hopeless place" hahaha, and showed them our first conversations on Jack'd. Everyone kept going "awww this is soooo cute" hahahah, honestly it was pretty cute. Both of us were shy but clearly interested.

I'm really happy with N. It's incredible. A friend was telling me that finding love is much harder than finding a job, and thus I should count myself really lucky. He is so right. I am an incredibly lucky person. I've never felt more comfortable with anyone else in my life. N told me that he feels that if we stay together after a year, he has a really strong feeling that we would be together for a very long time, or maybe even forever. When things of such gravity are said, usually it's a very clear marker as to how one truly feels about the other person. I didn't freak out at all, or start thinking 'oh wait but I am a quintessential commitment-phobe like every other boring dickhead in the world', but I actually smiled and told him that I honestly feel the same way too. Crazy, right?

It has become a routine of ours to have our meal, watch a bit of X-Factor, and then go back to his room and just cuddle and look at stupid shit on our phones together. I'm also definitely getting a lot more experienced with having sex, and no more embarrassing poop whatevers anymore. Although sex is now different for us; it used to be a lot more of him pleasuring me (blowjobs or handjobs) than the other way round, but now it's almost purely me bottoming and trying to make him happy more than anything else. In fact I usually just kinda remain soft. There however has definitely been certain times where I've had a fucking crazy orgasm because he's right up at my prostate and he's jerking me off and it's an incredibly wild feeling. It's not the same kind of orgasm as a good blow/handjob though for some reason. This one is more intense, but also it ends very very quickly.

Oh and uhmm...we have been doing it bare all this time. In fact, some times even dry because N precums so much anyway. I'm not worried at all though, none of us are sleeping around.

I've definitely gotten over my aversion of being "less masculine" by bottoming, because hey, I do it to pleasure the dude, and I see it akin to a straight dude performing oral sex on a girl (I don't think many straight guys actually enjoy that), and also, most of N's friends say that N's the girl in the relationship hahaha. But in all seriousness though, I've become a lot more comfortable with who I am as a gay man. Which is ace.

I've also patched everything up with Dutchie (N and I agreed that our first loves are really unattractive...haha. Honestly not exactly sure why I thought Dutchie was the cutest person on earth), and I feel nothing at all for him anymore, and even all the songs that used to make me cry because it reminded me of him don't affect me too.

So things are really great to be honest. Does this mean I should stop blogging? I feel like the minute I am happy, I am boring and of no entertainment to anyone. Hah!

1 comment:

  1. You should blog because it provides you some kind of benefit -- an outlet, a release. Don't feel pressure to do it for others. I seen a number of blogs where they were trying to find themselves, and once things got good (career and relationship takes off), then there's no longer time or need. Those are the best reasons, because that means you are happy with life.