Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Why is my reflection someone I don't know?

Hey guys, how is everyone? It’s been a while (at least relatively, compared to how frequently I used to update). It’s a little over three weeks that I’ve been in Hong Kong so far, and things have been interesting. I found myself completely in the comfort zone with N, and becoming increasingly more irritable and snappy towards him. Every single one of our arguments so far have stemmed from me snapping at him because things didn’t go the way I expected them to. However, we have been working well so far because he is incredibly patient with me, and I do not bear grudges at all.

I have also been doing this with my family. I speak to my dad in a very dismissive tone some times, completely impatient by his “stupid” questions that I think I have no time for. I also had a huge argument with my sister before leaving for HK, yelling at her, “you will never be successful in life.” I’ve told N that he’s “a complete Debbie Downer” and in a moment of spite I redownloaded jack’d and told him I wanted to go on a break with him after he and I met up with his ex-boyfriend in a meetup that I completely wanted to fucking kill someone. He ended up crying.

Then yesterday I lost my key and access card after going to the clubhouse at my place to use the sauna. This was immediately after an argument with N where I got pissed at him because he said he couldn’t understand my accent where according to him, “unlike British people, Americans don’t pronounce their t’s and just mumble a lot!” I told him he is a dumbass and started speaking twice as loud as I usually talk and he got mad at me.

I called my dad after that to tell him I lost them again, and he got pissed at me. He said “when are you going to be more responsible and careful?” and it really affected me. I got really quiet after that. N came back up (he left to meet his friends) to help me find them in the gym/locker room, and I started realizing that the people closest to me are really there for me through thick and thin. I started feeling really horrible at how much of a brat I’ve been, and had a long honest conversation with N about myself and about him.

The next morning I apologized to my dad for being rude to him, and he told me about how he wanted to arrange a family dinner late Nov when my sister and brother comes up to HK, but my sister said she wouldn’t go if I were there. He also told me that my brother is kinda worried about living with me (he’s doing an investment banking internship in HK for two months). My heart sank. What has been happening to me?

It was a wake-up call again. Now that everything else in my life is settled, why am I still so spiteful and full of hatred at times? It’s like once people get nestled into my comfort zone, I treat them even worse than before.

I texted my sister and told her that I deeply regret how I left things off before coming here, and told her that I hope I’ll get to see her when she comes up here. I also texted my brother and said that if he feels awkward about N and I, he can talk to me (honestly though, my mom told me that she is fine with N and I because we aren’t coupley in front of her). I once again apologized to N and told him that I’m going to be a lot more patient with him, and stop arguing over the little things in life.

So, I think things are going to be even better now. I need to learn tolerance, patience, and understanding. It’s funny because I’ve always thought that I’m a chill dude, but I realize that I’m very intense with the people around me because I expect them to totally ‘get’ me, which is very self-absorbed I know. N knew that I was feeling down and self-victimizing, and he cuddled me and told me that I’m still an amazing person at the end of the day. N is truly amazing towards me. He is planning a birthday surprise for me, and this is the first time ever that I’m getting a surprise.

I need to slow down and smell the roses. In a way I honestly think it’s a combination of being in a fast-paced city like Hong Kong and also not smoking weed for a verrry long time that has also contributed to my lack of patience. I’m so thankful the people around me are still with me even though I’m a dickhead many times. This year really is the proverbial “it was the best of times, it was the worst of times” thing for me. 

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Cheers to the fricken weekend

So there's a glitch, I have about 4-5 times more number of views on my latest entries than the average of my other entries...that's weird, because it's a bunch of text and nothing else. Oh well.

So, hey there. Job has started. Been pretty weird over the last couple days cos my boss left for SGP after 4 hours of zipping around town with me in tow, and would be back only tomorrow. So I've been bumming around in the office since I'm not particularly in my "oh yes, I'm a highly motivated self-starter with boundless initiative" mode that I was during my interview. Doh. In fact I left at 5:30 today, since no one was in the office.

Over in the office we have merely two consultants - one is a bald ex-finance old-school guy who intimidates me, and the other is a married lesbian who's an Army veteran. The chick is awesome, super chill and funny, so I'm really excited to be working with her. We also share the office with a hedge fund, and most of them are Americans too, and on my first day there I was asked a whole bunch of sports-related questions about the Packers, Red Sox, Bears, whatever the fuck, I just stood there blinking my eyes wanting to tell them "sorry but if everyone played naked, I would watch them." Dudes just love talking about sports. Seriously. I rather talk about my new Bottega Veneta wallet.

Fuck me. I smell the leather like, every 2 seconds. It's "my precious." Now that I'm finally earning money again, I was like, why not? After all, I do very much like nice things.

Also, one of the dudes in the hedge fund is this incredibly hunky Asian guy who has really nice biceps, chest, and butt. Face - meh, ain't that great, but I am not going to lie I have checked him out a couple of times. I definitely ain't gonna be cheating on N, but at least I have some eye candy at work. 

I've also downloaded a calorie counting app called myfitnesspal in my bid to start shedding some flab. It's fucking ridiculous now that I know that I can only eat 1,600 calories per day to reach my goal?? Wtf that's like starving myself. I do however really like this app because there's loads of Asian food saved in it so it's much easier for me to track hahaha (I used another one before and it was so Western it sucked - they didn't even have chinese egg tarts! Heresy!) And ok, I've also decided to take public transport to and back from work instead of getting driven so I get some exercise too... plus I realize I do like power-walking before going into the office, I feel oddly refreshed. I have also been getting back into my gym routine, so I'm feeling positive about this now. I'm irrationally obsessed about my body image; N tells me he thinks I don't need to lose weight at all. Might be true, but oh well. All I know is my confidence level has been dropping, and I know I'll feel a lot more confident when I can start breathing properly in my pants again lol.

Also, I think I might be tricking my mind into thinking I have celiac. I get incredibly bloated and belchy when I eat any noodles/pasta/bread. Asian rice apparently contains no gluten though. Gonna try to cut down on all that gluten shit. Can't believe I'm buying into the trend of gluten-free diets - I am anti-trendy!

No point to my entry. But this is kinda cool.