Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Why is my reflection someone I don't know?

Hey guys, how is everyone? It’s been a while (at least relatively, compared to how frequently I used to update). It’s a little over three weeks that I’ve been in Hong Kong so far, and things have been interesting. I found myself completely in the comfort zone with N, and becoming increasingly more irritable and snappy towards him. Every single one of our arguments so far have stemmed from me snapping at him because things didn’t go the way I expected them to. However, we have been working well so far because he is incredibly patient with me, and I do not bear grudges at all.

I have also been doing this with my family. I speak to my dad in a very dismissive tone some times, completely impatient by his “stupid” questions that I think I have no time for. I also had a huge argument with my sister before leaving for HK, yelling at her, “you will never be successful in life.” I’ve told N that he’s “a complete Debbie Downer” and in a moment of spite I redownloaded jack’d and told him I wanted to go on a break with him after he and I met up with his ex-boyfriend in a meetup that I completely wanted to fucking kill someone. He ended up crying.

Then yesterday I lost my key and access card after going to the clubhouse at my place to use the sauna. This was immediately after an argument with N where I got pissed at him because he said he couldn’t understand my accent where according to him, “unlike British people, Americans don’t pronounce their t’s and just mumble a lot!” I told him he is a dumbass and started speaking twice as loud as I usually talk and he got mad at me.

I called my dad after that to tell him I lost them again, and he got pissed at me. He said “when are you going to be more responsible and careful?” and it really affected me. I got really quiet after that. N came back up (he left to meet his friends) to help me find them in the gym/locker room, and I started realizing that the people closest to me are really there for me through thick and thin. I started feeling really horrible at how much of a brat I’ve been, and had a long honest conversation with N about myself and about him.

The next morning I apologized to my dad for being rude to him, and he told me about how he wanted to arrange a family dinner late Nov when my sister and brother comes up to HK, but my sister said she wouldn’t go if I were there. He also told me that my brother is kinda worried about living with me (he’s doing an investment banking internship in HK for two months). My heart sank. What has been happening to me?

It was a wake-up call again. Now that everything else in my life is settled, why am I still so spiteful and full of hatred at times? It’s like once people get nestled into my comfort zone, I treat them even worse than before.

I texted my sister and told her that I deeply regret how I left things off before coming here, and told her that I hope I’ll get to see her when she comes up here. I also texted my brother and said that if he feels awkward about N and I, he can talk to me (honestly though, my mom told me that she is fine with N and I because we aren’t coupley in front of her). I once again apologized to N and told him that I’m going to be a lot more patient with him, and stop arguing over the little things in life.

So, I think things are going to be even better now. I need to learn tolerance, patience, and understanding. It’s funny because I’ve always thought that I’m a chill dude, but I realize that I’m very intense with the people around me because I expect them to totally ‘get’ me, which is very self-absorbed I know. N knew that I was feeling down and self-victimizing, and he cuddled me and told me that I’m still an amazing person at the end of the day. N is truly amazing towards me. He is planning a birthday surprise for me, and this is the first time ever that I’m getting a surprise.

I need to slow down and smell the roses. In a way I honestly think it’s a combination of being in a fast-paced city like Hong Kong and also not smoking weed for a verrry long time that has also contributed to my lack of patience. I’m so thankful the people around me are still with me even though I’m a dickhead many times. This year really is the proverbial “it was the best of times, it was the worst of times” thing for me. 

3 comments:

  1. First, how is it a surprise if you already know about it?

    Second -- when you are in a relationship it takes time to transition from thinking just about yourself all the time, to what is best for "we" -- you are learning to better handle your impulses and will need to think about how your actions now can really impact others. When it was just you, you could decide and if there are consequences, it's just you are affected. Now it's you and N.

    Third, we often take family and friends for granted because there's an expectation that we can treat them less well, and they will stick around, cause they have to because they are family and friends. But over time, if you don't get over your entitled expectation to their unwavering support, you can alienate them. So try to be nice. My older brother is nice to everyone, but my younger brother seems to treat his friends better than family and it's has always annoyed me.

    Fourth -- all these experiences are about you growing up and taking on responsibilities while also enjoying life. You are learning from these lessons and that's a positive that you can reflect on your actions and have empathy for others.

    Finally, please tell us that at least you are getting great makeup sex from your fights.

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    Replies
    1. it's still a surprise because altho i know something is happening, i don't know what!

      and yeah we have great makeup sex. i'm a little weirded out by how frequently we have sex to be honest, it's almost once a day! but the sex is actually great now, the orgasms are incredible and for me it's less about lust and more about intimacy now too so that's cool

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  2. Your title is very familiar, I finally figured it out. Mulan!

    Reflection

    Look at me
    I will never pass for a perfect bride
    Or a perfect daughter
    can it be
    I'm not meant to play this part?
    Now I see
    That if I were truly
    To be myself
    I would break my fam'ly's heart

    Who is that girl I see
    Staring straight
    Back at me?
    Why is my reflection someone
    I don't know?
    Somehow I cannot hide
    Who I am
    Though I've tried
    When will my reflection show
    Who I am inside?
    When will my reflection show
    Who I am inside

    ReplyDelete