Friday, December 26, 2014

Three Good Things on Boxing Day

  1. I found a bunch of old Oyster cards in my room and my sister's room (when I was trying to find her backpack), that I can return in London for a total of 5 quid x 5 each = 25 quid. Free money in some ways lol.
  2. I had such an amazing time catching up with very unexpected company. There was this dude that I knew from the army many years ago, and we didn't keep in contact until he moved to Hong Kong earlier this year and I integrated him with my group of friends and we all hung out a lot. He's a mad cool guy (he sells beer for a living!), so it was great to meet with him and his girlfriend over some nice hot ramen (good for the weather. I came back here thinking I could get a tan cos I'm a pasty white piece of crap now but it's been raining everyday...) and she's super chill too. Then we had some amazeballs tiramisu (who knew tiramisu would taste so good outside of Italy - but forreals though I didn't like tiramisu in Rome when I tried it, similarly I didn't like apfelstrudel in Vienna, Peking duck in Beijing, fish & chips in get the picture) and then we headed over to a bar with really funky cocktails to meet up with another of my random friends (I knew her from elementary school but she similarly also met up with me when she had a stint in Hong Kong!). Great company really. 
  3. I bought a pair of Emporio Armani gloves for N online. I know it made him super happy because he immediately told me "omg omg omg I love them" hahaha. In turn, it made me really happy too! A couple weeks ago we both went to watch a premiere of a Korean Film, and he unfortunately left his Pal Zileri gloves at the theater and they got stolen when he went back to find them...he was really upset because it was 295 quid (which is like 460 usd ouch), so I knew he would want new gloves again. EA is also good enough for his extremely bougie taste haha. 

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Three Good Things on Christmas Day

I have a strange uneasiness creeping back into me again, but I'm going to soldier on and continue with this exercise:

  1. It's Christmas! I got to wear my spanking new Versace sweater which actually made me really happy and I got to really, really blast Christmas music in the house. (i.e. Justin Bieber's Mistletoe hahahaha!)
  2. Though we don't do gift exchanges or sing carols (my fam's not religious in the slightest), my mom is a terrific cook and she whipped up INCREDIBLE dishes at home and my siblings and I had friends over and it was all a lovely sight. There was a whole host of awesome canapes (smoked salmon on garlic bread, tuna roe on crackers, stuffed portobellos), honey-baked ham, lamb chops, duck, lobster bisque, and oxtail soup - pretty British stuff there. Everything was amazing and all my friends enjoyed it thoroughly. We even took a photo by our Christmas tree (which is pretty fancy since it's actually silver sequins and the stems are black) with our dogs!
  3. We all watched The Interview together which, although only warranted a 5.5/10 from me, had bits that got us into raucous laughter so at least there's that hah. Problem with Seth Rogen and James Franco is that they are too in-your-face with their racism and homophobia, which although I know is all in the name of fun, it's pretty childish still. Now Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum (21 & 22 Jump Street) on the other hand are hilaarrrrious.
Although this isn't exactly something good, but I guess I've two more days left till I see N in HK. I'm excited too.

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Three Good Things on Christmas Eve

Continuing with my utter lack of willpower with combatting my jetlag (it is now 6 am, oh yeah I'm home for the hols btw),

  1. I had AYCE Sichuan hotpot for lunch with my college bestie, her boyfriend, and a bunch of their friends. It was so so good to see my bestie again. Her new boyfriend He's a "nice" guy, that's pretty much But anyway, great food, and great company :o)
  2. I had oysters with my oldest-friend bestie and his girlfriend, and it was great catching up with them. (Also, N is in HK right now doing an internship, and we are using these 17 or so days apart to well, do the whole "absence makes the heart grow fonder" thing, hence why I'm meeting all my friends + partners without my own partner)
  3. Above couple + my other oldest-friend bestie came over to my place to watch a movie, and for the longest time we couldn't decide on what to watch, and ended up going for the YA genre-ed The Maze Runner. It was hilarious that it was such a big.fucking.mistake. The YA genre is sickeningly absorbed with unnecessary recalcitrance and self-indulgence, my friends and I just tore the movie apart throughout which was very comical. Along with the Hunger Games (blatant sordid rip-off of the original dystopian novel, Battle Royale), Divergent, The Giver, etc.) 

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Attitude Adjustment

Hello all! I shall layout in an organized format, actionable plans to make myself a happier person. I'll be referencing
  1. Quick distractions when stuck in a negative spiral: Hmm. I've always used jacking off as a quick distraction, although it feels kind of empty. Maybe I should try joining N with his bootcamp thing. I didn't want to in the past because I'm terrified of a) not having the discipline to keep up b) getting pissed off with N because he is very fit and competitive, c) not having time to do other shit like...well, fretting about life. So maybe this should change.
    Next time I get pissed off with N too, I shall remember: It doesn't help if I keep accusing him of things! Quickly leave the scenario, take a shower, distract myself with singing, and come back more positive!
    I'll also try my best to stop listening to sad songs, and listen to pure annoyingly catchy pop music by Ariana Grande, Taylor Swift etc. I oddly take comfort in the fact that they're so confident in how annoying they are that I actually really do respect them for just being who they are: i.e. kinda vacuous yet entrepreneurial Pretty Young Things.

  3. Exaggerate scenarios to comic hilarity: Ok this is a great pointer and I'll do it next time. It's probably always best to write things down so that I can see it all very clearly. I'll start with my scenario now: after making it to final rounds for 2 consulting firms, I have been kicked to the curb and currently I am back to square one: jobless as usual. As I am now 26, and have yet to hold a real job, I will continue forever being jobless and living off my parents, getting more and more depressed by how pathetic I've become that I will continue my binge-eating KFC Bucket for One and McD's 20 piece McNuggets to the point that I become obese, and so stressed out that I drop all my hair and become bald, everyone will mock me, my boyfriend will leave me because I'm not only jobless but also a bald fat debbie downer, my parents will kick me out of the house and I will have to live on the streets and fend for myself as a whore but I'll be fat and bald so I'll have zero clients and...
    wait. So far everything sounds pretty plausible though...err...
    or on the plus-side of extremity I become the next Zuckerberg. Except, well, not so Jewish and a lot more yellow.
  4. Reframe the problem so that it's not my fault: Statistics man. London market is ultra-competitive so it's not personal. Only 10 out of 1000 applicants received offers for the firms I applied for and I wasn't one of the 10, no biggie. I gave it my very bestest and the people I were up against were incredibly qualified. Infinitely boring, but incredibly qualified.
  5. Fake it till I make it: Well actually, I do this quite a lot. Although what I've realised is, I'm too honest to really fake it that well, and I tend to falter with my "bolstered" image after a while. I think I'm just gonna ignore this point.
  6. Thrive off N's optimism: The good news for me is, N is overwhelmingly optimistic. In fact, many times I see it as naiveté. Although he is very optimistic, N is not very expressive, so many times I don't feel his optimism rub off on me. I have to somehow work on this. Maybe I can talk to him about this. 
  7. Purge the evil in my life: This is going to be so, so, difficult, but I guess I'll try. I'm going to try swearing off hard alcohol for a trial period of 6 months. From now on, only wine for me, where it is much easier for me to know when I should stop drinking cos it kicks in much slower in my system than with hard alcohol which makes me black out way too easily. I will also start saying out loud things like, "I acknowledge the presence of ____ in my class, who is a nice person other than the fact that she is unhealthily competitive and it brings me down, so I will minimise contact with her." 
I'm also going to do this Three Good Things Today for a week thing, and then start it again when school starts again. Gonna see if this helps.
  1. I finally decided to set an alarm for myself to snap out of my wimpy jetlagged state and took coffee to stay awake throughout the day, and although it's 3.33am now that I'm writing this but oh well! 
  2. I watched They Came Together which was a riot and a half for me (I love Paul Rudd and Amy Poehler) and although N didn't enjoy it, I still laughed my ass off. 
  3. Had INCREDIBLE shrimp in salted egg yolk (Chinese dish) for dinner that was just mindblowingly good mmmm..

I believe with all these, I wouldn't have to find happiness, happiness will find me!

...Okay fuck the last line it's way too cliche for my cynical shell.

Sunday, December 21, 2014


I don't know what to say. There are many things in my head, and I feel like word vomit is going to come out, but I have nothing to say too.

I'm a very tortured human being.

Monday, December 8, 2014

Racism against Asians in the gay community

Wow. You know what? I'm tired of white people. All the modern-day black lynching, and this constant "innocuous" racism against Asians, is just whatever to me. None of these guys have thought through about selective bias, which is that the majority of Asians into white guys will be bottoms because they themselves have fed into the internalized stereotype that most Asians are bottoms. However, taking me as an example, almost 80% of all Asians (which definitely amounted to several 100 people) who spoke to me on Jack'd/Grindr etc. were tops into Asian bottoms. These white Americans obviously will never meet the Asians who don't like white guys (of which seriously, there are plenty, OUTSIDE of America goddammit these guys are so fucking close-minded) because they won't be hanging out at the same place anyway! Just like how I hardly know any lesbians.

Man. This was in 2006 so hopefully things have improved for a while, but really, I get very annoyed also when N, or the Belgian boy in my class tell me that they think all Asians are bottoms, and that most Asians are feminine. In fact, the Belgian boy told me that I am the only Asian guy he has found himself really attracted to, and _that's_ what makes me special. I should really not talk to this racist son of a bitch (he once told me that he truly believes black people are born stupid cos they do worse on IQ tests) but it is so hard to resist because his body is so, so, banging grrr. Typical gymrate douchebag I guess.

This also suddenly reminded me how when I was in Spain for holiday back when I was still on the Grindr scene, many Spaniards would compliment me being one of the few Asians they think are "beautiful" and back then I really took it as a big compliment but now the other side of the meaning to it has hit me too...adding on to that it's very frustrating how whenever I jerked off on webcam, loads of dudes would tell me that my body is really fit & smooth, and I've got a great bubble butt (not anymore though boooo, the downsides of being attached), and I don't think they mind my dick (I keep it well-trimmed and everything plus I've got pretty nice low-hangers) but when they ask to see my face (which I never do - I don't ever want to end up on xtube or some shit), sometimes I reply "sure I'm Asian btw" and they just drop the call right there and then.

I'm actually very glad that I'm super boyish looking because yo when I'm 50, I'll still look like I'm in my 30s dawg, and that's the real-deal fountain of youth right there. Like not even kidding, my skin is ridiculously smooth and taut it some times is really bad because I think that I'm formidable and tan quite a bit even though it ages people, and I don't ever use sunscreen because I only bronze and hardly ever turn red/splotchy/peel-ey like white people. I also definitely do not have a small dick, and I am definitely not flaming, and I've quite a lot of Asian gay friends who aren't flaming too. But yeah ok fine dude, I'm a bottom, whatevs lol, I just don't like bumholes...

I think it's a huge chore for N that he has to constantly shave like, everywhere. Even his bum is hairy, like dafuq is up with that?? I don't like hairy guys, it's a big turn-off for me. I also don't like fat guys, because that's also a huge turn-off for me. I also don't like old guys, because well, I like taut youthful-looking skin.

All the above are actual, real, preferences not based on stereotyping across a whole race...which is what annoys me when people tell me "oh please just chill out, everyone has their own tastes!" Dude. I didn't say "oh I don't like white guys cos they tend to be fat, hairy, and really saggy when they grow old." That's a big difference.

Even this lesbian chick in my class, when we were all asking her for her preferences in girls, someone asked, do you like Asians? And she immediately replied with a huge "No, don't find them attractive." And I was like wow, okay, sure...and then someone asked, how about black girls? And then she suddenly became so coy and was all like, "well...actually so far I haven't met any that I found attractive so not really..."

I fucking flared up like a melodramatic bitch. Why the fuck is it ok for someone to just blatantly say NO ASIANS but for blacks they have to be all like, oh...I could come across racist that way. Fuck you.

And I realize, this is really all just media and shit hyped up. Like 90% of all porn I watch are white guys. But when a really hot muscular Asian comes along, I am so turned on. Because they are so underrepresented. Like Ken Ott. But he's a bottom too. No biggie, he's still so so hot. So if there were actually loads of really hot muscular Asians in porn, I'll watch Asian porn all the time. But the problem is the porn industry thinks that the demand for Asians are the femme bottoming twinks, which put me off no matter what race. So I end up watching white guys bang...Also, I think if the media portrayed black guys in a better light when I was growing up, I wouldn't be so averse to looking at black porn, plus again, the porn industry thinks that the demand for blacks are fucking anaconda-typed top 'thugs', and 1) thugs in general, no matter what race, disgust me 2) overly-huge dicks put me off too. Now if there were more Shemar Moore type of dudes, that'll be great.

Anyway, I know this whole entry once again reeks of self-absorption, but I do think I've raised some pretty real issues.

Saturday, December 6, 2014


Wow. Real life is really so much harder than I ever imagined it to be. I shall eat my humble pie and never assume again that I got it figured out more than others around me.

Things are not good with me. There is a constant energy drain that I feel every time I go back to N's place. On aggregate, the last few months have really opened my eyes up a lot about relationships, and all that happens next after the "honeymoon phase."

Firstly, the honeymoon phase is all too real. I thought it would be a phase that would last a lot longer though. I thought that all people make mistakes, and that in a relationship, two people would work together to overcome these hurdles, these mistakes, that these will hurt from time to time but people move on.

I'm wrong. That night in August when I physically hurt him in a drunken stupor that I don't remember and will forever regret, things changed forever. I thought we picked up the pieces and moved on through open and honest communication about our feelings, through me seeing a therapist to work on my anger management issues, through me making an actual effort to not drink when I am unhappy. But it seems to have formed a permanent scar for N, while my guilt have formed scabs that are constantly picked on by him.

That night ended our honeymoon. He has systematically been pushing me out of his life, and with that, I have grown needier for attention, and ultimately have now questioned the very fundamentals of a monogamous relationship. Sadly, and it really hurts to say this, but I don't feel that he wants to connect with me anymore, even though after every fight that we have, he will tell me that he does, but he needs time, and then we have amazing make-up sex, but that's really the only time ever that we fuck - after a big fight.

Is it actually possible to love and be loved in return, in the aggregate of things, with one person for a very long time? I don't know. I used to think so. Maybe in a perfectly healthy relationship, which was what I thought I had. But the more N is cold to me, the more I start trying to find validation elsewhere, which is terrible of course. I actually watched so much porn at school because I was so sexually frustrated that I used up all my 4gb of mobile data in two weeks. Yeah, I jizzed in every bathroom at school basically.

Two weeks ago it was an all time low when I A) was gulled into thinking that things were fine after our big big fight early Nov when we patched things up after 2) but I still felt the emotional chasm creeping back up 3) Concrete evidence, at least in my perspective, was that N didn't plan anything for my birthday, which was the single thing I was looking forward to in a constant onslaught of job rejections. The emotional abuse that I got from being constantly turned down without interviews was so tough, and I really wanted some support in a place where my main support system, i.e. my mom, wasn't around. Then there was a house party where I drank a bit, and saw the Belgian boy in my class with a ridiculously tight A&F shirt and his bulging pecs, and so I flirted with him and grazed his thighs/touched his shoulders for a lot longer than is considered platonic.

He texted me later that night saying I was touchy, and in my clouded judgment I asked him if he wanted to have cybersex. He said no, but he could wank in front of me in the bathroom and let me watch. I said yes, and asked when was he free. I was so turned on I wrote to him "my dick is so fucking hard for you right now" and I ended up jacking off twice that night to porn while N was asleep.

The next day I felt so guilty about my deliberations to cheat on N. I didn't meet up with the guy, and a few days later I decided to do it the healthier albeit more painful way of telling N how I felt: the sexual frustration, the emotional neglect, the birthday, etc. and we made up. Things were looking tenuously better all the way until two days ago when he was using my iPad and those iMessage sexts from two weeks ago started popping up for no reason and he read them all.

Firstly, fuck iMessages. I deleted them off my iPhone but of course it'll appear on my iPad as well. Secondly, I don't know where we are at right now. On the surface he is telling me he is fine, but I know he has a habit of faking to me that all is fine, just so that I can focus on other things instead, like studies or job-hunting, but then it'll slowly become obvious to me that it's all fake and I get even more and more hurt and do stupid things like what I did.

It probably also doesn't help at all that I am currently living at his place with his dad and sister in the house, both of whom are apparently oblivious that we are dating (conservative Middle Eastern culture). We don't have any private time where we can be silly with each other or feel intimate. The whole environment is just sorely wrong. Back when he was living with my family, it was so different. My family is so much more open-minded and they left us alone to do our own things a lot, which obviously also included sex (we even did it once in the movie room at home wahaha - had to dodge the CCTV that my mom installed around the house).

Anyway, I am trying to emotionally prepare myself for what is going to happen after Christmas break when we are going to spend two weeks apart. I don't know if I have the strength in me anymore to continue in a relationship that is always tenuously civil at best, with no more of the feeling of being drunkenly in love. Maybe for him he has already prepared himself three months ago, that we had a good run, maybe the best run we will ever have in our lives, and that maybe it is time to move on.

Saturday, November 29, 2014

My head is a jungle

Hey blogosphere, what's cookin'?? So I've got a few updates, and I'm finally not as depressed as I was the last few weeks for me to pick myself up again. Because I've been doing a lot of case practices and trying to trick my brain into being really structured and shit, I'll enumerate:

  1. I changed my blog picture to this really hot Asian dude whose look is someone that I aspire to have, although I definitely don't nearly have enough hair to sport that hairstyle, arms, bronzed tone, buns of get the picture. A man can dream though. I do this to psych myself to get back to the gym again, I've been real bad with discipline, and I honestly think my butt ain't as perky as before which for some reason is kinda annoying to me, since I kinda like my tushy. 
  2. Things with N have still been on a fucking rollercoaster. I had a heart-to-heart with him and told him that I'm getting tired of this...that it feels like I keep trying with him, but he's still distant. And I told him if this continues, I'll have to rethink our relationship. We both ended up crying a lot and trying to really patch things up. I understand where he's coming from though. I've been carrying an albatross of negativity everywhere I go because of the jobhunting. Only fresh grads will understand how incredibly terrifying it is, to withstand the torrential emotional abuse that potential employees have to face with the bullshit that goes on in the corporate jungle. And I understand that my emotional vulnerability doesn't only affect me, it drags him down severely too, which is why he is still so cold to me. I really do hope I get the offers from those I'm interviewing with now, and life next year honestly would be so much better because I'll be back to my happy cheerful self.
  3. I have also become extremely sensitive and possessive over him. I think this is because I at times I really feel vulnerable about our relationship. And I get pissed over stupid shit. Like I can't stand it that there are so many other gay Asian boys in his life. I know, typing it now makes me realize how ridiculous I sound. But seriously. I do prefer being the only gay Asian boy in his life. He is a nice bloke so he keeps letting people crash at our place but one after the other they are super effeminate Asian boys, and he is better friends with one of my friends than I am (because basically the dude is a snappy lil bitch at times so I can't take him in strong doses) Also his fucker ex-bf who looks like a komodo dragon uploaded a #tbt on instagram of both of them and he hashtagging shit like #missyou #firstlove #letshangagain and I'm like how fucking pathetic is this lil shit?? Right now we have another 'guest' at our place and they're hanging out a lot without me but like...whatever. I'm gonna try to be chill and not be all jealous and shit cos frankly, these guys are 1) frankly very unattractive [to me, but N has really shit taste when it comes to Asians cos he somehow thinks they're cute] 2) bottom sluts 3) nowhere near ambitious enough - dude took German studies for a major, dafuq is that shit 4) also not nearly intelligent enough for N. As my friend was trying to console me, N's anaconda don't want none unless it's my buns, hun.
  4. Lol. That pic cracks me up. It's also oddly really mesmerizing. I'll fuck that if I was a straight guy. I think?
  5. Over break, I'll be back in the motherland while N is going to be in HK. I think for Christmas he'll fly over, then after Christmas I'll fly with him to HK until I get back to London. He told me that it'll be good that we are spending some time apart for break, so that he can remember how much he misses me, and not take me for granted the next time we're together again. As much as I like the final outcome, I resent the process. The very fact that he has to be physically away from me, to realize that I deserve respect more than the modicum that he some times gives to me, is frankly very insulting to my large ego. I plan to use the break to discuss with my sister what I should do...if I should move out and get my own place and shit. 
  6. Relationships are actually really really tough and it has opened my eyes that as much as I thought mine with N would be bulletproof, it really isn't. 

Wednesday, November 26, 2014


I'm interviewing for 3 consulting firms for their London offices. I am so friggin' excited. I just finished one first-round interview today actually and apparently only 5% of the applicants were called back for first-rounds after the CV stage! Then it was a gruelling FULL-DAY interview-after-interview kinda shit...I'm so exhausted now. And also dude, everyone else I was 'competing' with were from Oxf0rd or C@mbridge. Like wow dude, 100% British born heterosexual (actually wait - I felt gay vibes from 2 of them) white Oxbr|dge males...sooo diverse really *rolls eyes.

I'll know next week if I'm through to the partner interview round...tonight I gotta prep up for a phone interview tomorrow, and next wednesday is my other first-round full-day thing with the third firm.

I'm so happy really, people believe in me! I really should too.

Sunday, November 16, 2014

Job Rejections

The last couple of weeks I've been on an emotional rollercoaster. N wanted to go on a break because I was being needy since I was so stressed all the time with the networking. Turns out to all be useless anyway, because I got rejected by almost every single firm. I am inclined to believe this is more because I am a non-EU citizen rather than anything else - I come from 1 of the top 25 schools in the world (for undergrad) and yet classmates who come from...somewhere in the 170th range for universities (I know rankings don't matter much but this is like, fucking ridic), have a GMAT score that is 120 points less than mine, who has a sort of lower GPA than mine (hard to compare US and UK schools though), gets called back for interviews. FYI, these applications, you give literally nothing but a CV and a cover letter which I networked my gay ass off and got them vetted by current employees who all said my CV is dead strong, but....


Still hoping to hear back from some other firms... But definitely not going to be working for one of the big prestigious brand names out there anymore. I've calmed down from everything though and it's honestly their loss because I know that consulting is what I wanna do now, and I'll really put in my all into it.

Friday, October 24, 2014

Close to 2 months in London now

Life has gotten a bit better I have to say. I met the school therapist, she's old, and chill, and nice. I cried halfway, it was weird. She told me to see myself as an orchestra, and that each part is playing its own part given its narrow vision, and is playing it with the best intentions, but it might not necessarily sound good in the overall orchestra. She wants me to be the conductor this time, and think about the part in the orchestra which is my problem with alcohol, and find out why do I want to drink the next time I pick up the next glass of wine in my hand, why do I stop when I find myself stopping, and why do I want to continue when I drink the next glass.

I spoke to a friend back home and explained that I'm really stressed out here so far because I'm busy chasing the prestige, and he's like, "when did that ever matter to you?" It hit me, that while it has always mattered to me that I maintain a _certain_ level of social standing, I really don't give a fuck if I'm at the top of the top. I'm quite so contented being average among the really good.

Confidence started coursing back into me. I don't need to see this whole consulting thing as the be-all end-all of everything. I need to gain back some self-assurance that hey, I won't die if I don't get into any of these Prestigious firms.

I've however become very convinced management consulting is the way to go for me. I love the people I meet so far. They're goal-getters, but mostly still chill and human-like, unlike asshole bankers that I've met. Consulting makes sense to me. I love challenges, but I can't keep up my attention span long enough to commit to anything for a super long time, so the project-oriented nature of it works so well for me. I also love teamwork environments, and interacting with people a lot, so really, it's just perf. I also love wearing a suit, and being all smooth and shit.

What really surprises me though, is that the pay is shit. Seriously, I can't believe anyone can survive in all these metropolitan cities without a wealthy background. Unless of course, you're a dirty & overly scruffy hipster.

Anyway, I've also been going to many LGBT events for all these firms and it's been great. I actually met a college alum earlier today. Holy shit. How awesome. Although, okay, he did an MBA while I was a wee lil undergrad, but still. Also there are a shit ton of Americans in London. So awesome too. I hear American accents everywhere I go hahaha.

Anyway, I truly think this is something that really interests me. Being involved in LGBT affairs. Not really like to the point of activism, but just you know, being part of the cause. I saw this quote by this military dude who's a Stonewall role model:

"I don’t think a role model has always got to be someone who’s on TV or super-famous or super-rich. I just think it’s about being open and giving other people encouragement. It’s about living your life honestly and not being afraid to pass your experiences on."

Really, amen to that. And I want to do that. I want to be able to subtly influence the newer generations of gay people who might be struggling with coming out. Cos I know for sure, if I grew up in that kind of environment where I had positive gay role models around me, I would have been able to be openly gay so much earlier in life. I do hope to be that sort of person for someone else in the future. It would mean a lot to me.

I feel a lot better now. I'm going to be working on applications and cover letters over the weekend too. Then once everything is sent out, I'm going to have to start practicing all those online numerical/logical reasoning tests, then practicing the problem-solving test for one particular firm, then really really brush up my case practice because it's currently pretty fucking shit (although I've gotten positive feedbacks from the MBAs), and then really, just pray that everything goes well.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Counselling tomorrow

So, I'm going to be seeing my school therapist tomorrow.

Not sure why really. All I know is maybe it's good to talk to someone. I'll try and keep an open mind.

I've had major major fights with N again over our living situation, to the point we actually almost were on the verge of breaking up.

I've also been incredibly stressed out about finding a job, and generally just not believing in myself enough, when honestly, credentials- & personality-wise, I am very well-qualified. I just somehow have this feeling that my luck is terrible, and I'll end up having nothing in London.

I'm really tired of this networking bullshit. Mostly because I have to always kind of..."act" as if I'm sooo interested in these companies when really, all's that in my head is scoping out the hot guys in the room. Life is actually really boring without constant eye candy for me.

Very oddly enough, even though as mentioned above I feel very unsure and unconfident about myself, I am somehow very sure that I am quite sick of the people around me. I've always had a crawling sense of misanthropy about me, but really in a professional setting, I can't help but just be very annoyed that most of my peers who are, I guess, my "competition" are just obtuse and hopeless. And I get very impatient when they can't seem to get the right logical reasoning, or beat about the bush way too much.

Anyway, it's really late.

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Will you still love me when I'm no longer young and beautiful?

This is absolutely riveting.
"(I told lies for a living, but the biggest lies in the world are the lies people tell themselves.) So of course I pretended to come. And I learned that the best, most convincing, easiest way to show my clients I had an orgasm was just to say, “I just came.” That’s it. Nothing fancy. I’m not that good an actress, and it’s not necessary, anyway. “Oh, I came” would always do the trick. They believed it. They were so proud. The truth is, for most girls, you can’t tell: It’s like God, or love, you don’t see it, but you believe it exists."


Saturday, October 11, 2014

Gushingly in love

I read this and couldn't stop smiling and relating this back to my life with N.

#1 is so true for N and I. I tend to get up a little earlier than him (when we both can afford to sleep in) and so I'll be on my phone first and then I'll just look and smile at him sleeping for a bit. He'll then get up, and immediately have this large sheepish smile across his face and he reaches over and touches my cheek and says "cutie pie good morning"

#2 okay no, we don't do that. But N always knows when I'm in a bad mood which is like, fucking frequent. He's always encouraging me to be more optimistic, and to worry less, and he'll always watch Friends with me at home because he knows that it makes me really happy. He'll also sing songs by Jessie J or Ariana Grande and sing it way off-key and sassily tell me "I can sing so much higher than these girls I should be an international popstar" and it always makes me laugh because he is literally so.bad. at singing.

We also frequently text on this IM app called Line (it's like Whatsapp, but way cuter cos it was basically made for Asians) and text each other these stickers:

#3. I do that to N all the time, mostly because well he's 6 inches taller than me! He'll be washing the dishes and I'll rush up from behind and hug him so tightly and kiss his neck (that's as high as I can reach, gah). 

#4. N likes to do this goofy smile to me across the room and does a kissy thing with his lips while closing his eyes for a split second, so that no one else will see haha. 

#5. Okay fuck bubble baths I don't have time fo dat shit! But there have been times when N would have cooked and prepared my dinner for me along with a bottle of chilli powder beside it because he knows I loveee my spice hah

#6. This happens now every time we meet at Leicester Square, because we eat a lot of Chinese food. He'll describe me the exit he's at, and I'm like, you know I'm horrible with directions, I'm standing here beside two massively overweight girls with piercings (I like giving stupid directions like that), and he'll come and find me and we'll smile and kiss immediately. 

#7 okay that doesn't happen too, and I don't really like that...I'm not a girl I can open the door myself. But we do hold hands before getting out of the car and he'll kiss my cheek.

#8 is arguably one of N's biggest flaws. Whenever we are over visiting his friends and I know no one, he is extremely clueless and doesn't always introduce me to them, or make me feel included, and I tend to get really really angry with him because I'm not exactly the most social person, especially when it comes to his friends. They're mostly esoteric (since they're all dancers), pretty fat (because they're not Asian - I'm too used to skinny Asian girls), broke (so we go to really shit bars/clubs where u can fucking get a table for 40quid that is laughably pathetic) and really not funny at all. And yet on the other hand he has friends who have like private jets and ex-models and stuff, but he doesn't hang with them as much. And yeah, sue me, I'm shallow.

#9 HaahHahAHaha okay no. Just no.

Ranting about gay douchebags

Pah. So I've joined my school's LGBT club and honestly so far.

I fucking hate it.

What do you get when you take a gay man, put him in one of the "top three" consulting firms in the world, and then put him into one of the best schools in the world?

Fucking douchebags.

Seriously. These guys prance around being all so fake-friendly but alarmingly aloof and distant. Every single time I see them I really have to try soo hard to be friendly to them but none of them will ever make the first move to speak to me/acknowledge my presence. It's like, ooh okay, I get it, you're Mr. Bigshot, I'm Mr. Small Fry, like whatever really lawls. Like literally, this one baldie has looked at me eye to eye 4-5 times now, and we stand in a circle, and he won't say hi to me, even though I've initiated the first few times. Another dude, I had a COFFEE chat with him for 30 minutes, and he still doesn't say hi to me. In fact our coffee chat was so painful because he was so distracted and completely disinterested with what I had to say...seriously not sure why he even agreed to meet up as a "mentor"

The worst thing? Every single one of them is actually really unattractive. There literally isn't any mildly good-looking guy at all.

I've also started really dreading the gay bar scene. Usually, the walls are lined with creepy old dudes just completely leering at every single young person walking by, then it's filled with these rude diva bitches. it's incredibly stupid really. This just happened to me with a friend of a friend, who was being introduced to us, and I wanted to do the usual friendly 'hey man nice to meet you' with my hand out there for a handshake but this lil dipshit kept his hands in his pockets and just pursed his lips and did a really curt 'hello' without even really looking at me and my other friend. Like, seriously?

Where did all this horribly immature self-entitlement come from for these guys? I'm so glad I got out of this desire to go gay clubbing all the time now. Suffice to say, the more level-headed gay guys don't hang around the 'gay scene' and it's becoming really clear to me now why this is so.

Meanwhile, I also realized that I've not experienced a lot of Grindr/Tinder douchebags for a really long time since I've been together with N for more than a year now, so it was really interesting (and exasperating) when a friend was showing me screenshots of giant douchebags on Grindr.

Man, why do gay people have to be so catty and bitchy all the time? And not even in a good way! I love sass! But only good sass! Friendly, irreverent and genuinely funny sass.


On the other end of the spectrum, this gay dude in my class is really pissed off with me and we're probably not going to be friends anymore, because he thinks I'm a gay douchebag. We were talking on FB when I told him something like "hahaha btw the first few weeks of school loads of people asked me if you're gay after I told them I have a boyfriend because they wanted to check lol cos they thought u were obviously one of us" and he got really pissed off because he said I was stuck in my "ancient" mentality that femme = gay and femme = bad and he said "I'm not even gay, I'm bisexual!" - right after telling me that he loves bottoming so much that he could cum without even touching his dick, yeah okay,

And I told him, I never said that femme = bad, and that I wasn't going to tell him who asked me if he's gay, because they didn't say that out of homophobia or disgust or with the intention to slander anyone, besides this dude kept referring to them "spreading rumors" and I'm're's not a rumor...and he told me I just don't understand don't I? What if he went around telling everyone that oh I lied to everyone about having a girlfriend? And I told him well, that honestly reflects poorly on you rather than me, because people can say whatever they want and tbh it's such a silly rumor who cares

And he was all being catty and saying "Ok conversation over. Good night! :)" And i told him off "seriously the fact u're so fucking riled up over this shows u're probably a lot more insecure than u think u are. it's actually some times so hard to talk to u." now OK this is my bad because i lay shit out without caring if the scab would sting when i remove the bandaid, to which he replied "then avoid ever doing so, as so will i! good bye!"

.... immature douche. what are we, like in sixth grade or some shit. u're fucking italian, ur country should be more than open minded about being gay so what's wrong if our classmates find out. this taiwanese chick i told, went to a housewarming party and told like, 20 chinese girls that i like boys. lol. i really didn't see any issue with that because, it's not like i'm trying to hide my sexuality anymore anyway.

/rant over

Thursday, September 25, 2014

N's Dad

I've been pretty overwhelmed by school, job applications, networking events/presentations, etc. It's pretty exhausting.

N told me two days ago his dad (who's not in London, but in the Middle East) called his mom and said that he had a nightmare that N "turned" gay. He started interrogating N's mom about the true nature of my relationship with him, etc. She pretended she knew nothing.

He told her if he finds out he's gay, he will either kick him out of the house, or move his sister out because she cannot be in the same house as him. He also told his mom to get N to invite his girlfriend ASAP to the house to introduce her to the family.

This has added a new level of stress for me because his dad has a historical record of domestic abuse. Although he isn't in London now, he is slated to visit in a few weeks' time, and I am afraid he will lash it out on either his mom, N, or me. N said that when he visits we will both be sleeping in separate rooms so it'll be civil. His dad also a track record of making life unbearably difficult for N whenever he feels N is rebellious - this will bound to affect our relationship.

I am really hoping nothing will happen...

Thursday, September 18, 2014

My half-glass empty personality

I'm prone to being highly stressed and I'm noticing that these days I wake up really early because my mind is in overdrive, fraught with so many worries about the future.

Essentially, I have never been this passionate in my life about wanting a job. I am almost obsessed and have put the company on a pedestal. It's all crazy because the company has never hired anyone from my program for the London office since 2009. Because it is literally insanely competitive to get in. As much as I somehow try to avoid stressful and overly-competitive situations, I am also very much enticed and enchanted by the prestige and accomplishment I would feel being the first person from my program to get in.

I'm trying to practice cases, network with as many people as possible, and it's really odd because back in college, I absolutely hated all these fake bullshit. It's interesting how much I've changed.

Also, BTB and I probably have gone a bit too far, but I think I'm finally gonna be able to stop because I've seen the true colors of that shithole. We joined the LGBT group on campus, and that bastard, being the pretty boy twunk that he is, got hit on hardcore by an existing consultant who gave him 1-2-1 sessions on how to break into consulting, and when I asked him to help a bromo out, he lied and said that 'oh I'm not meeting him anymore because I'm too lazy too' and guess what I saw them in the library together...yeah well, he really didn't need to lie to me.

Once someone sees me as a competitor instead of as a friend, I remember that forever. I'm a grudge-holding asshole basically. I shall now be wary of everyone and understand that in the real world, "friends" might still take a shit on your face.

Anyhow, I've also done a lot of personality tests mandatory by my school, and they all gave really negative feedback to me, like how I am overly pessimistic, prone to anger and frustration, easily stressed out, and often swayed by emotion rather than logic. Even the "half-glass full" side of the analysis was hurtful: "Because you are a very pessimistic individual, negative outcomes will not surprise you as you would have expected it." - dafuq? lol.

It is so weird because I feel that I project a lot of self-confidence to others but to the people closest to me (i.e. N and my family), they are intimately aware that I am incredibly, incredibly insecure and unconfident. This frequently hinders me both career-wise and also happiness-wise. My heart was beating so fast this morning as I was thinking of how I may not get a job at all in London and have to break up with N...which depressed me.

Also, my relationship with N has changed quite a that we don't see each other 24/7 because I'm always in school, we have grown slightly distant...It worries me that in the future if my job is gonna be super demanding I would see him even less and less. Right now we have sex like once in two weeks, which is holyshit infrequent. Some times I get back from school and I'm so tired I don't even talk to N about my day. So many things to adjust to along the way too...right now we live 45 minutes away from central London and this is the longest commute I've ever done in my life. I'm so used to paying a crazy premium just to live right smack in the central of most cities. I'm also kinda depressed by the shitty fast food in London, where I either have to eat McD's all the time, or fucking flavorless whole-wheat shitty sandwiches filled with "all-natural goodness" that frankly, I don't give a fuck about!!! Why WHY do Europeans eat such flavorless rock-hard and dry sandwiches all the time? It just blows my mind. Then when I'm home for dinner N's mom cooks Persian's really sweet of her and she is a great cook but after two weeks in Iran I am more than over Persian food really. I really just want my Chinese food!!!

Hah okay, #rantover.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Career Services

I've been bombarded with so many career services talk the last few days. Woefully practical is my course in that it focuses straight away on employment. I'm still surprisingly jetlagged after Iran (what the actual fuck it's been a week). Also, G (Threesome boy) and I have become pretty good friends on the very comical basis that I think we both find each other attractive, and actually have quite a bit in common. He looks really angelic / innocent (kinda like me), but inside is one kinky little devil. He told me he once had two cocks up in his ass. What the actual fuck!?! I may or may not be vicariously living my kinkiness off him. I don't think I'll ever do anything with him though, because I don't want to ever jeopardize anything with N for sure.

Also, I really do love being not so "obvious" on the gay scale because I can just chat up straight guys in the locker room and they'll just completely strip in front of me and all is fine and dandy in the world. meanwhile i secretly stare and size everyone up.

Anyway, it seems like I have to recalibrate my ambition of landing em-bee-bee in London...apparently none have hired from my program which is yet another what the actual fuck!?? i've so many friends in the chicago office with mc-kay though...gah, why wasn't the US market better when i was still in undergrad :(

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Threesome proposition

Holy fucking cow.

So basically school has started and I've had my first day of orientation and I really like my classmates so far some are very "real" and not all the banking consulting mumbo jumbo talk. I also met this pretty cute very white guy who turns out to be gay and has been living with his bf for three years. So I started talking to him about my experience living in with my bf for a year now, and he asked for pics of him and so I showed him. All he said was "wow" and we talked a bit more etc and took pictures at Tower Bridge etc.

Then he propositioned us both to go over to his place cos he has a hot tub there. I said I'll let him know since N has a friend from out of town this weekend. We begin texting and somehow I said something cheeky and he said his dick was 7". I cheekily replied "pics or it didn't happen" and he actually sent two pics of his cock to me. And then he starts telling me he thinks my bf and I are really handsome and he's feeling horny tonight hence he sent me the pics. Then he says he would love to have a threesome with N and I.

Holy shit. I said N will never entertain that and he kept pushing really. Granted this dude is hot with a good bod and Clark Kent features but it's creepy how he's so forward about wanting a threesome!!! AND he's my classmate!

To be honest I would be kinda up for it... But I know N would totally not be. And I will respect him for that but not gonna lie I got so fucking hard after he sent me the two pics

Gah what is my life

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

The Middle East

So recently my husky back home bit another dog when my dad took him out for a walk and now we are in trouble with the animal agency or whatever. My husky would never hurt any of us and he is usually so docile and tame and plays with all my friends but he is notorious for being antisocial with other dogs and this is his fifth time he has been aggressive towards a dog. Apparently bits of flesh were bitten out of the other dog holy cow. Anyway it made me think that I'm sort of like that too. If you meet me in person I am completely non aggressive and I'm really extremely chill blah blah. But alcohol somehow transforms me into a violent aggressive person and I am very curious to find out why. So I'm determined to see a therapist in London to take a crack at this. My mom did remind me that when I was a kid I was ultra aggressive and I had episodes where I looked as if I genuinely wanted to kill my siblings. I don't think I ever wanted to kill them though. All I know was that back then I felt that I needed to severely punish them. It's scary to think that I think this way.

Anyway now that I'm in the Middle East I haven't drank alcohol for a whole anyway so it's all good. I asked N if he thinks I'm an abusive person and he said he would be really fucking stupid to stay with an abusive person. Also, I tend to have very frequent bouts of extreme low self esteem and that's something that I kind of want to address with a therapist too. I've told N Before that some times I feel that my life is so incredulously lucky that I feel that I don't deserve any of it because I'm not really an angel or whatever. I'm intrinsically flawed and I don't give a shit about filtering my thoughts here to give some fake image that I'm like "ooh wow I'm some bikram yoga feel-good whatever" so I don't mind writing my stream of consciousness here at all but yah I gotta get this fixed too. Everyone tells me to just think positive be cause my life is awesome and I need to know I deserve it but fuck I can't seem to make myself think that way some times.

Of course this also isn't all the time, generally I am pretty happy I guess but I always fall back to a weird dark place like just this morning I told N I needed an emergency cuddle because I felt unsafe and uncertain about the future. Uncertainty fucking scares me to be honest. Goddammit.

Ok gotta hit the sack since I'm visiting palaces tomorrow.

Saturday, August 9, 2014

Death in the family

My grandmother passed on last Saturday at night. I heard it in between sobs from my dad on the phone; immediately I hugged N, went over to my mom and cried a bit in her arms, and then we went off to pick my sister up who was at the theaters halfway through Guardians of the Galaxy, and over to the hospital.

Everyone was crying. My aunt was wailing and shouting into my grandma's ears whether she could still hear us. My grandma had her mouth open when she passed away; no matter how much we tried we couldn't get it to close. We took turns to hug her motionless body, still somewhat warm and soft to the touch.

The next few days were very emotional. It was my second time witnessing a Buddhist funeral, but since my grandpa died 13 years ago, I remembered very little from before. The funeral was set outside my home, and everyone cried when the funeral parlor guys carried my grandma's body up the platform wrapped up in a white cloth. She was incredibly tiny, having lost most of her weight through diabetes and organ failure. My grandma was quite the rebel really; she chose white for her tentage instead of the usual Buddhist yellow. Her coffin was a pristine white too, and the mortician did a good job with the makeup.

The Buddhist take on afterlife is pretty interesting. Basically, Buddhists believe in the cycle of life and in reincarnation, although ideally one should break free of the cycle and attain nirvana and hence, buddhahood. Frankly, that sounds really cool and zen in theory but in reality, human beings are corrupt and I was disgusted to realize the monks we hired drove a Jaguar and wore Rolex watches.

The funeral ceremony lasts 49 days with the first 7 being the most important. During the first four days (which was the length of my grandma's funeral), the person is said to enter a trance-like state of not knowing that he/she is dead. So most of my time was spent either kneeling or sitting down, listening to monks chant some sort of scriptures, presumably to guide my grandma's spirit to realizing that she is dead now, and to guide her along in the cycle of rebirth.

I was quite surprised to find out that other than my grandma, nobody else among my relatives are Buddhist. Essentially, we were going through the motion of the rites just for my grandma. I lost respect for my uncles because none knew what the hell were we even doing.

Quite a few people came to the funeral, along with many flowers offering condolences from people who weren't able to attend. These were mostly colleagues/friends of my dad's, since he's the most successful among his brothers, so out of the 150 wreaths we received probably less than 10 were addressed to his brothers.

There aren't any eulogies for a Buddhist funeral, so I thought of all the happy times I had with my grandma when I was sitting and listening to the monks chanting. I thought of how she so easily accepted N as my boyfriend, and how she told me to bring him along more often (I visited her almost every day for two weeks), because she missed him too. I thought of how she was very selfless and even when she was so breathless from the fluid in her lungs she still asked me if I've eaten (it's a common Chinese greeting), and would tell me to not spend so much time in the hospital and go out and do "young people" things. I thought of how when she was younger and fitter she was the matriarch of my dad's side of the family - she cooked incredible meals when everyone came over to her place for dinner, and how her word was the final word for all of us.

On the last day we walked barefoot behind her hearse while a Buddhist chant (南无阿弥陀佛) was played along with sounds of birds chirping and melodic waterfalls. Everyone broke down when we cremated her, and my family hugged each other so tightly that day. The next day I returned to collect her ashes - turns out I was wrong about ashes being dust; the remains of my grandma were mostly her bones, and I had to alternate with the other relatives to place each piece of her bone into an urn. I felt very uneasy.

My grandmother was a very humorous and open-minded woman who was very modern for someone of her generation. As N is staying with my family, he joined in for some of the funeral processions, and even sent a thoughtful wreath on behalf of his family. Basically, my entire extended family has now met N, but only my grandmother and a cousin (who found out because his colleague, a friend of mine, outed me to him unknowingly) know he's actually my boyfriend.

I'm really happy that my grandma's the first in my extended family to know. It's good that I've gotten her blessings. I hope she'll rest in peace. Yesterday, in front of my grandma's urn, my uncles argued over the inheritance of my grandma, with one accusing the other of not being transparent (there was no will). I really do hope that when my parents pass on, my siblings and I will not be fighting. It's really sad how everyone fights over money.

Saturday, July 26, 2014

Mardy Bum

I'm the mardy (sulky) bum of this song now I guess. It seems I fight with N on a daily basis. Sigh.

Well, now then Mardy Bum
I've seen your frown
And it's like looking down the barrel of a gun
And it goes off
And out come all these words
Oh there's a very pleasant side to you
A side I much prefer

It's one that laughs and jokes around
Remember cuddles in the kitchen
Yeah, to get things off the ground
And it was up, up and away
Oh, but it's right hard to remember
That on a day like today when you're all argumentative
And you've got that face on

Well, now then Mardy Bum
Oh I'm in trouble again, aren't I?
I thought as much
'Cause you turned over there
Pulling that silent disappointment face
The one that I can't bear

Well, can't we just laugh and joke around
Remember cuddles in the kitchen
Yeah, to get things off the ground
And it was up, up and away
Oh, but it's right hard to remember
That on a day like today when you're all argumentative
And you've got that face on

Yeah I'm sorry I was late
But I missed the train
And then the traffic was a state
And I can't be arsed to carry on in this debate
That reoccurs, oh when you say I don't care
But of course I do, yeah I clearly do!

So laugh and joke around
Remember cuddles in the kitchen
Yeah, to get things off the ground
And it was up, up and away
Oh, but it's right hard to remember
That on a day like today when you're all argumentative
And you've got that face on

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Sexual fantasizing and porn

So I'm not sure how much to feel guilty about this. N and I have a comical mutual thing that when the other dude is not around, the one who's at home usually jerks off to porn. But I've found times even when N is at home, or sleeping on the same bed with me, that I overwhelmingly wanted to watch porn and do so.

I love him wholeheartedly and even more so for tolerating my silly little tantrums, but part of me still heavily fantasizes about touching a super muscular jock and sucking that guy off. Which is weird because I don't even really like sucking off anymore; I don't think I've done it for months now - mostly because it quickly becomes really tiring for my jaw since his schlong is really pretty thick (a good problem to have, I know). And also don't get me wrong, even after almost a full year of living together, our sex life is still pretty darn good.

But part of me really still wishes that I could run my hands all over a really muscular and hard chest, follow the contours of the pecs to the nipples, over to the side and caress bulging biceps, then to a six pack, and back to the chest again because I love a nice rock hard chest. N is fit but he's really so skinny, so there really isn't that much to grab too. In fact, he likes grabbing me everywhere a lot because I've a lot more body fat than him (14% compared to like...3%).

Don't get me wrong though, I cannot ever imagine physically cheating on him. And also, I'm not being unreasonable with him by telling him to get a drop-dead physique when I'm nowhere near that (in fact I've gotten a lot pudgier now).

So basically, I don't think I can ever stop watching porn. It's just a really good way for me to kind of well, escape I guess. Not that I am escaping from anything bad in reality at all, it's just an escape to an incredible out-of-this-world kind of heaven for me, while being fully aware that it's artificial, in some sense.

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Snap back to reality

Wow. So I've travelled quite a lot haha. I recently spent about two weeks in China, and I'm back home now because my grandmother got gravely ill and so I flew back straightaway to see her. More on that later.

China. What can I say about China? I've not been to China for many many years (I do not count Shanghai really part of China to be honest, and certainly not Hong Kong), so all these years I've defended it a lot by saying that it's developed a lot and it's not as "commie" as people think. After this trip though, I feel that China still has a long way to go. The people are still extremely uncultured, rude, and loud. And there are just way way too many people in China. Like, you seriously will not understand the meaning of crowds until you go to China. I recognize how coming from such a country, you develop a complex of not giving a flying fuck about anyone else. I had to wrestle with old people and young kids who were unruly boarding up buses or queueing in the lines etc. It was pretty cray cray basically. The places I went to in China were amazingly beautiful, however the sheer number of people there made me feel like I was in a very good restaurant with horrific service.

These are stock pictures from the Internet of a few places I went to coz I'm too lazy to upload my pictures but yeah.

Anyway, so I'm home now and I visited my grandma and...I actually brought N with me and introduced him as my boyfriend. She was so nice about it (my dad told her a day before I brought him along so she knew already) and told me that he's very handsome and we will have very attractive babies. When I left the room she told my mom that she must be open-minded about this and accept me for who I am, as she said I am a very good boy. I cried a lot actually, when we were reminiscing about the times she cooked a lot of my favorite dishes when I was younger and when she was fitter.

Now I am worrying about getting a job in London...I met up with an alum and he said how from September to December he applied for 60 jobs, got 20 interviews, and only 2 offers... I'm like holy fucking poop bro. I still don't know what kind of stuff I should apply...Gah.

Life is so competitive lmao goddammit.

Monday, July 14, 2014

well gee

i was pretty pissed off in my last post. i have anger management issues...i find it hard to not get angry easily

Wednesday, July 2, 2014


seriously man. i'm fucking annoyed that for our holidays so far, i've had to plan almost everything while that lil fucker just watches his fucking world cup, or tennis or listen to annoying music by shakira or pitbull or whatever. and then he teases me and goes like 'ugh u and ur research and ur million chrome tabs'

fuck. how the fuck can you just think that a self-guided holiday in CHINA is stress-free, oh i'll just turn up at the hotel and everything will be settled? fucking shithole thinks booking hotels with their english name is good enough, just need to tell the cab driver OH YES DRIVE ME HERE in ur fucking british accent

youre a completely shit unseasoned traveller and be goddamn grateful i speak mandarin so your fucking foreign ass won't be whooped in china

i'm really sick of him just making me sound so unchill and intense about shit but I FUCKING NEED TO HAVE A LOOSE ITINERARY TO AT LEAST KNOW IM NOT WASTING MY HOLIDAY DAYS but he's like then how is that a holiday if youre so stressed about it???


we r going to iran and i CAN"T BE FUCKING bothered at all about whatever we are doing there, chances are i'm jus gonna pull a long face and say ' ur fucking country sucks donkey balls i dont give a fuck bring me back to civilization'

Thursday, June 26, 2014


it has been a while. N and i have just been traveling a lot recently. we haven't gotten sick of each other which is good news lol. since my last post i have been to tokyo, osaka, kyoto, and siem reap in cambodia to see angkor wat and other famed temples.

you know what, the world is actually an incredibly beautiful and gorgeous place. everywhere is brimming with stories and culture and whatnot. i love reading travel magazines too, every time i fly. today i learned that pu'er in china not only produces its famous pu'er tea but also makes coffee too. among other things.

i also really like watching animal planet stuff. a few days ago it poured like crazy in cambodia so we couldn't go out and see lara croft's tomb raider temple, so we cuddled in bed at the hotel and watched animal planet and gah. i love mother nature.

there isn't much point to this, just felt like i needed to update the blog!

Thursday, May 29, 2014

A magical proposal and grad school

What's up everyone!!! I'm back from an incredible trip to Thailand and I loved it so much there. Our villa was incredible, the service was great, the beach was great, everything was perfect. I'm real tanned now which is great. Food was amazing, everywhere also smelled like lemongrass which is amazeballs, and Thai people are also pretty good-looking!

N and I also had sex in the infinity pool facing the amazing view, multiple times. Hahaha. We both busted in the pool which was kinda gross but hot too. It has always been a fantasy of mine to have pool sex and underwater jizz haha.

The other two friends on our trip with us also had a blast. The surprise proposal was a resounding romantic success. The French guy booked out the private beach dining area and it was filled with rose petals and everything was in white and ohso-romantic. The Swiss-Chinese said "Fuck yeah!" and the rest is history.

Funny thing is the next day they both went to a gay massage and the French guy got fucked by his masseur...I don't get gay relationships to be honest, everyone's super chill about sleeping around. N and I reaffirmed that we will not become like that no matter what. The other couple told us "oh you're just young..." I think it's different for us haha.

Anyhow, no judging there I guess...

I also bear very good news. I got into all the schools I applied to. I also got into my dream business school. Omfg. I'm so excited. Haha. The school is incredibly incredibly prestigious and career-oriented which is gonna help my London job-hunting so much. I was jumping up and down with joy last night when I heard back from them.

Some times I think I'm really not confident enough of my abilities. I need to be more confident of myself. I'm going to do school right this time, and fully immerse myself in all activities and try my darndest to milk career services for all its worth to land myself an amazing job. I'm also very keen on joining the LGBT business network so that I can milk my gay "minority-ness"also for my job search. I think in some ways, gay people help fellow gay people out so that'll be good.

I'm back in the motherland for a while before heading for Japan next week. So far I've met up with the weirdest friends here...I have such odd acquaintances back home seriously. But it's been chill so far though.

Friday, May 16, 2014

All of me loves all of you

I got into a big fight with N last night. We were obligated to go to this girl's hen party (she is a friend of N's gay couple friends) and they initially told me to book a karaoke room for 20 girls but in the end only 3 other girls showed up. Now I'm sorry but you suck as a hen if u have so few bitches with you.

And this week has just been mad packed festivities. I know it's super douchey to say that but I got really tired. N's gay couple just wanted to go out every single night, but this week is also art week in Hong Kong so tons of other things were going on too.

Tuesday they hung around with us the whole day and then at night we went out for drinks too, and I received an email saying I'm waitlisted for the school in London that I really want to get into. Fuck. I got so fucking beaten down. But I can't do anything but wait and see what happens.

Wednesday night I had dinner with my dad and this gay mentor couple from back home that my dad introduced to me a year ago, and it was a good (and expensive) dinner, complete with Cristal champagne and everything. Then I headed to a private party for a NYC-based art gallery that my friend invited us to, and when I got there I saw a billionaire family friend which got me a lil excited just cos, well, he's a billionaire and all. Open gin bar + chic music + tons of people with Chronic Resting Bitch Face Syndrome = good times. Then at 1.30am we were obligated to go to a gay club with N's gay couple friends and I got slightly manhandled by them but whatever, they're such sluts and I'm trying not to judge that they're still making out with other men in front of each other a week before the proposal (I'm talking about the guy who's proposing, is making out with a mutual friend who KNOWS he's gonna propose...w t f)

I got home, fucking fucking exhausted, and woke up on Thursday with a massive hangover. N's gay couple started bitching again that we didn't devote our time entirely to them...whatever. For dinner we went out with N's straight couple friends (we do a lot of double dates...) and it was a great dinner catching up etc. (I like them) and then at 11.30pm we headed over to another art gallery private party where this fat white man spilled his drink on my suit and like, whatever...We got shots and shots with my friends and we were generally having a good time, then at 1.30am again we were yelled to get our vaginas down to the karaoke fucking room, so OKAY

We go, even though I am mad fucking exhausted and pissy. I get there, the fucking 20-person room filled with 3 dudes, the bride and 3 of her fucking Swedish friends, and everyone was singing horribly faggy songs completely out of tune, with a blow up sex doll with chest hair and a fucking huge dildo sticking out, and I was just done. I wanted to sing some songs but I am a karaoke Puritan and I hated that I wasn't drunk enough to ignore how out-of-key everyone was which was messing up my game, and I hated it even more that we just kept singing Britney and Lady Gaga, or songs that are way fucking beyond my generation like Roxette's It must have been love. Not to mention they kept swinging the dildo in front of me and so I left the room.

N came out after me and asked me what's my problem. I told him my problem is that I always have a problem with how fucking boring his friends are. He got really pissed, and said he will never invite me out again, and said we were going home. I apologized and said ok let's go back in, but I sat there on my phone the entire time, refusing to socialize with the pathetic fucking 4 strangers that I don't give a flying fuck about.

I started vehemently texting my friends saying that I can't help being a social snob but I terribly dislike many of N's friends. They are not hot, not witty, not funny, and definitely not interesting. And they usually have terrible English. French accents and all other kinds of stupid accents. He gets along wildly better with my friends because they're ACTUALLY interesting people. Of course, he begs to differ and says it's because he's so much more chill than I am...whatever.

So we ended up locking our doors last night and sleeping in separate rooms. But this morning I went in and apologized for being a rude cunt and I cuddled him, and then we had makeup sex (which is always fucking amazeballs), and now we're all good and ready to go to Bangkok and Samui. A lil' worried about the riots in Bangkok so we are gonna just go to sacred temples and avoid going out at night/going to the city center.

At the end of the day, I love him a lot, and we both agreed we want to use John Legend's amazing All of Me as part of our wedding playlist (N's gay couple is using Pink's True Love for the proposal song...lolwtf). The lyrics are perfect.
'Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you
You're my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I'm winning
'Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you, oh
N and I aren't perfect at all, and as you can tell, I've a fuckton of growing up to still do, but the best thing is that we don't harbor grudges and so we work things out.

Monday, May 12, 2014

Halfie Hotties

Because I honestly think halfies are the hottest race ever (including N),

1. Devon Spence, Filipino-Swedish

2. Daniel Matsunaga, Brazilian-Japanese

3. Jeff Langan - Filipino-American

4. Joachim Milner - I don't actually know. I have picked pictures that make him look a lil more proportionate to his baby face because he is actually ridiculously jacked.

5. Darren Criss - Although he looks pretty much like a Jewish hottie, he's actually Filipino-Irish.

Sunday, May 11, 2014

I'm boring?

Man. I don't like it that people think just because I'm moral it means that I'm either religious or boring. N and I went out tonight with a few of his gay friends, two who are gonna get married soon but still are in an open relationship idkwtfthatis, and when I mentioned that "oh actually in London I only ever met up with one guy which is N and the rest is history" they all scowled at me and were like "ugh! that's so boring!" and proceeded to tell me about how I need fuckbuddies, because "well, you see, my boyfriend doesn't like it when I play with his nipples, so I need a fuck buddy to play nipples! You need one too!"

I really don't. And then I get frowned upon for being a prude. What? I don't like feeling like I am boring because I am monogamous and super blissfully attached...they all were sniggering and saying "in four years' time you will want an open relationship." In four years' time I would like to have kids, and be a good example for them.

Friday, May 9, 2014

Children Full of Life

This is hands-down one of the most moving documentaries I've watched. I cried like a baby.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Random stuff

This video cracked me up so bad. There are so many of these fads nowadays, of people who are gluten-free, people who are pescetarians, people who swear by juicing...I find it really funny these people have no idea what gluten is. A super simple answer that I thought everyone knew is that gluten is a protein in wheat and certain types of other grains that some people in the world are allergic to, and they have celiac. Boy these people and their dumb herd mentalities.


FiveFingers Maker Vibram Moves to Settle Suit Over Health Claims

Another fad: Vibram FiveFingers. 


This is also pretty cool. Although it is completely stereotypical, but I think it's all in good fun and I would have loved to withdraw a handful of fabulous hehehe.


Famous Novelists on Symbolism in Their Work and Whether It Was Intentional

I remember how my English teacher would ALWAYS attack my critiques saying that I don't delve into the symbols and motifs used by the author enough. And I always thought that the author probably never intended to make all these symbols everywhere and some times, art is just art and you can appreciate a novel, a painting, or a play, without reading too much into it. So this article is kinda cool, and I did verify with Wikipedia that it really did happen (I usually find it hard to trust these kind of clickbait-sounding titles). Also, John Updike and Ayn Rand sounded like total bitches!


Friday, May 2, 2014


9 years ago when my parents first redesigned our place, it was kinda cutting-edge and was even featured in an interior designer magazine. Now these places are way next level.

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Life of a bored tai-tai

I am motherfucking bored. All I do is wait around for things to happen. I don't really know how to pass time constructively - I'm horrible with all the extremely silly "feel-good" let's-become-vegan or let's-learn-krav-maga kind of shit; too cynical for that yo!

A random hot dude from da interwebz
So in the end, because N is working the night shift this and next week, I just watch a lot of porn. Can'tstopwon'tstop. Temptation of Eve is actually a brilliant porn studio for me, because it's kinda artistic, featuring really hot dudes (e.g. some dude called Jay Parks), and they're all solos. Please don't ask me why but solos get me off the most out of all porn genres. That, and shower scenes.

Because I've exhausted my dick, and I've exhausted my patience over the lagginess of League of Legends, I shall blog before I hit the shower and sleep after. I mostly like showering before sleep, because it makes me feel clean and smell good before jumping under the sheets. Great feeling really.

Anyway, my Shanghai trip was a whale of a time. We were staying at my bestest friend's house, Y, as she's studying her second part of her master's there (one year in Paris, the second in Shanghai - how awesome!). Her place was incredibly ghetto-looking from the outside; I def. felt kinda afraid when I saw this old man showering outside on the streets. But it turned out to be not as ratchet as we thought it would be. My second bestest friend T arrived the next morning, and the four of us all slept on one giant bed.

HA! Isn't that kinda crazy. Good thing is, we four are extremely close and comfortable with each other, plus we're all mad skinny asian betches so no problem squeezing. Y and T kept squealing whenever N and I would playfully cuddle or stuff in bed and they'll be like "ugh kill me now i hate people in love" LOL. It was also really funny because Y woke up to N snuggling up on her shoulder and she's like "omfg personal space PERSONAL SPACEEE" wahahhaa

This is my second time to Shanghai. Shanghai is kinda divided across The Bund into Pudong and Puxi (East and West). Puxi btw, is pronounced Poo-see. N kept thinking I was saying pussy, so we decided that we were Pussies in Puxi.

The first time I went to Shanghai, I was staying at the Ritz in Pudong. It's basically the financial part of Shanghai, full of residential high-rises along with banks etc. Puxi is a lot more organic and old. My first time there, I was led by a college friend who went to international school and basically spoke shit Mandarin and brought us to all those pretentious expat places that I was frankly very bored at.

This time, I roughed it out with my Pussies in Puxi gang. Well, other than getting my dad's chauffeur in Shanghai to take us between the airport and Y's place hahaha. From walking everywhere (T is a typical pampered HK girl who kept complaining about how far we had to walk lol), to going to extremely cheap dive bars, to ridiculously hipster coffee joints, to eating street food, to smoking a joint right in front of the cops because they don't know the smell of weed, it was all amazing. Lol. I have to say, I do quite enjoy a more "real" experience when visiting a place, rather than how I've always done it with my family where we stay at some 5-6 star hotel and take cabs everywhere we go and only cover tourist spots and Michelin restaurants...this time I had redonkulously awesome food and everything was Omg. Shanghai is cheaper than Hong Kong and I love that haha.

Also, pollution was totally not as bad as I thought, plus the weather was actually perfect because it would rain at night and in the day there was no smog and it was pretty chilly so I felt like I was breathing in some Japanese countryside. Company was beyond terrific - I am so, so blessed to have Y and T in my life who have fully embraced N and all four of us have become a great gang together.

Here are a couple of pictures pulled from the net (this is essentially what I saw):

French Concession along the Bund at Puxi
However, I think N wasn't used to street food in China, or maybe the general spiciness of stuff, or maybe it was because we stayed out late most nights and he came back to night shifts, but he has been ill for the past two weeks. Gah. He took 4 days off in fact. Flu. Tonight he went back to work, and he texted me that Latin music has reinvigorated him and he feels a lot better now. Lol.

I have my interview with an alumnus of my #1 school choice next Monday. Initially I was glad that after a bit of Facebook/LinkedIn stalking, she seems chill (and pretty) plus an alum interview should be pretty casual, but she wants me to go to her office... I hope this isn't going to be some tough nut interview :/ 

Then, next Friday, N officially ends his internship, and will be free to frolic with my unemployed ass! Two of his friends, a gay couple, will also be spending a week in HK before going with us to Koh Samui. We plan to go to Ocean Park (some water theme park here), and Macau, and probably hike up to the Big Buddha (I've done this twice before, meh), and go hit gay clubs up. I also have a friend visiting from home. I met up with her when I went back to the motherland for 4 short days..cos my bro was back in town from Aussieland so my dad wanted a big family reunion and look where that got us...fucking family squabbling to no end again. Seriously, my family is THE epitome of a "model" family from the outside but from the inside it's reaaaallly dysfunctional. Everyone's always like, oh the husband is so successful in his career, the wife is pretty and cooks really well and is doing her own investments, and the kids are all smart, good-looking, and have bright futures ahead...I mean all that's kinda true (humility is definitely not in my genes), but the sum of everything really kinda dilutes all these plus points... May looks to be pretty exciting. At Koh Samui we are also staying at a redonk luxe resort, but because we are broke young kids and the other two earns quite a bit of moolah, they're paying an additional 1000 pounds more so we're getting a really good deal haha. 

Hoping to get a good tan in Koh Samui
In June, we're going to Japan for a coupla days with my homeboy J (thankfully not with his girlfriend, who is kinda annoying because she's supes whiny about J not being a good-enough boyfriend, where my reply is always kind of like, well, then ditch him.), and then N and I will be going on a true couple holiday in Cambodia to see the great Angkor Wat. 

Angkor Wat temples

In July, a friend from college is touring Asia, so I think I'm gonna hash out deets of traveling to a coupla places in China with him and N. 

I'm hoping to cover these few places:

Of course I gotta bring N here!
Good if we can see the terracottas too
And for some nature stuff, Jiuzhaigou.
Supes pumped brah! I am trying to save money by staying at really cheap hotels or airbnb places just so I can sort of spend within the budget of whatever I've earned over the past year in my shitty on-and-off jobs.