Friday, February 28, 2014

The bane of my life

I am so easily distracted by everything. This has been a habit since middle school - I procrastinate stressful situations, and try to come up with excuses as to why the task at hand isn't worth my time.

I hate the GMAT. It's so cunning, so brutal, and so stressful. Some of the questions are just mammoth, and my brain goes into overdrive.

Before I sat down to do my first diagnostic prep test, I had to play an hour's worth of mobile app games, an hour's worth of computer games, a half hour's worth of jacking off to this Sean Cody stud called Stu (great nipples and chest), half hour watching stupid videos on the internet, and finally got down to do it, separately in three seatings, because the test is so are-you-kidding-me long.

I got a 700/800, and it's pretty disheartening. The school I want to get in, has an average of 690 for the class of 2014, and because I did mine in 3 seatings instead of all at once, I expect that my "real" score is much lower. My math is actually pretty bad (78th percentile), and I thought I got most of the questions right, erps.

I've read online that 700 is a good first time score, because that means with a lot of hard work, the score can easily be pushed into the 750-770 range, and that's considered really really good (700 is 90th percentile). My problem is, I really just hate hard work. It took me over three days to do one GMAT test (I paused the exam after finishing each of the 3 sections and waited till the next day to do it) - how can I actually be shipshape ready in 2 weeks? Thankfully I haven't booked my test date yet, I might just delay it till end of March...

I just really have a huge problem with working hard. I just don't get why life needs to be that hard, and if something requires that much hard work to be attainable, then maybe that 'something' ain't worth the effort really. Which is just a horrible way of looking at things in life. But honestly, I do believe that choosing the path of least resistance in life is actually a pretty smart thing to do still. I mean, in the grand scheme of things, do any of these even matter? Does my Master's even matter? Although, the reality is, if I wanna do an MBA in the future I need to take the GMAT anyway, and it's valid for five years, so when will I ever find another time of vacuous freedom to study for it? (Hopefully, I will be able to buckle down for at least two-three years for my next job)

I was speaking to my friend about how I'm too lazy to study for the GMAT, because honestly the schools that I'm applying for that require it are really competitive to get into, and I rather just bank on getting into the "easier" schools that I've applied for that didn't require the GMAT. She replied and said, "Oh come on it's not like you're not a competitive candidate??" And it's true, but I am just so dreadfully blase about the rat race.

I thought she was too, until she told me the good news that she's going to be interning at McK for the summer. And that's also the problem. I was under the blissful naivety that all my close friends were like me in some sense: kinda cool, kinda fun, kinda bright, but also kinda darn whatever when it comes to "prestige" and "passion" and shit like that. But holy shit. Everyone's going places.

I mean like dude, c'mon. Life should be easier than this! The world has gotten too goddamn competitive. The older generation honestly aren't able to empathize with how ruthless and overzealous everything has become nowadays. Demand and supply have completely changed.

She also told me, "If you're lazy and you do so well already imagine how much better you could be when you try!" The problem is, the imagined scenario of me "trying" is a rather farfetched idea to pursue. I truly lack motivation in everything that I do. I didn't even graduate with honors from college, even though for freshman year I had a 3.9 GPA for my first term. It was the only semester I put effort into because I was deathly afraid the American college system was going to be difficult to adjust to. I just tanked shit after that, because I realized it wasn't that hard, and then did even worse when I declared my second major (oh god terrible choice to have studied international relations), which I then demoted to a minor, because I couldn't be bothered to take one class, the last piece in the puzzle, that required a mini-dissertation or something.

The underlying factor to all this, which really reveals how much of a prick I can be some times, is that I think that I am too smart for hard work, and that the extra efforts hardly are worth the payoff. In part this is due to my "wrong" fixed mindset versus the "right" growth mindset.

http://jamesclear.com/fixed-mindset-vs-growth-mindset

I'm too lazy to finish my entry. Gonna go watch some Modern Family now.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Good looks

N told me of two incidents that happened recently. The first one was when he was working (at my dad's company) and this girl from the sales team comes over and introduces herself to him. They talk, she wants to know more about him (and his British accent), and then drags this female client over, and they ask him if they can take photos with him. Apparently, they said that he's the most handsome employee they've ever gotten at the company, and that warrants a picture!

Another one he just told me was at McDonald's, just today actually, when these three girls sat at the table beside him, and they were taking a selfie really awkwardly from a pretty high angle. He offered to help them take a photo of all of them, but they laughed and said that they just wanted to take a photo of him really, because he's very pretty and they wanna show the photo to their friends, and that warrants a picture too!

Hahahaha. I'm a lucky guy :D It's just mindblowing really, how much easier things are for good looking people. Objectively really, N is truly very good looking. I've asked him if he ever wanted to go back to modeling, but he says it's just crazy stressful, critical and unhealthy, which makes sense.

----

In other news, the GMAT is ridiculously tough. What the balls. I'm doing my first practice test and it's just a lot more complicated than I thought. I mean like, Math??? I'm Asian I can solve anything! ... cannot be more wrong. I'm honestly too lazy to sit for the GMAT...

And yeah, I do hear you FoC. I'm not one who really follows any sort of plans in life, but at least this gives me a goal to work towards. I'm not a control freak at all so I'm fine if things change along the way. At least now I know what target companies/sectors I wanna work in.

-----

In other other news, my gay friend R was telling me excitedly about how he met a cute dude on Grindr in Nottingham or wherever he's at now in the UK, and blew him in the bushes outside his dorm. Which reminded me of how, I've been on the receiving end of two really slutty blowjobs in public before, one right along a pier by a club back home with the South African pilot, and another in a park near a gay club with this Pinoy dude.

He started sending me pictures of the guy, along with some p33n too. For a while I was slightly jealous that he could go on Grindr or Jack'd and scout for dudes, and chat them up and get p33n pics and shit like that.

He was asking me if he should text the Grindr Bush Guy (GBG) immediately, or wait till the next morn. He told me after GBG blew, he said "thanks I really needed that" and when R told him "let me know if I can help again!" GBG replied, "Sure, I have to go now, I have a 9 am." I asked R if they kissed, and he said yes he did, but not much, and also said that R's cute (I probed further and turns out R told GBG that he's cute first, and GBG said it back to him).

I didn't know what to really say to R, so I told him to just wait till the morning and send something cheeky like "Hey dude hope your 9am went well. My 10am went pretty good, and well, so did my 2 am :)" He was so excited and said he couldn't sleep straight away because he feels like this guy is really chill and nice and there might be something more.

This morning he told me that he can't find GBG on Grindr anymore even though he favorited him. I told him GBG probably blocked you, and R was pretty destroyed. He started going on a rampage about how the gay world is so shallow, and what did he do wrong last night? and if he'll always be single. He said he thought that after using Grindr for 3 years

Sigh. I don't really know what to say to him. It's just mindblowing really, how much harder things are for people who aren't physically "attractive," or rather, for people who aren't secure with how they look. I think he's despairing a lot because he used to think he couldn't get guys cos he was kinda fat, so he lost a bunch of weight by hitting the gym hardcore, and now he's shed a lot, but still finds that guys aren't attracted to him. In many ways, he has internalized this criticism, and oddly projects it outward where he himself has very unrealistic expectations of his ideal partner.

The gay world is really brutal. And I have been extremely lucky to not have been on the receiving end of a lot of its callousness. After R told me this story, I felt bad for how I used to some times perpetrate such heartlessness.  I remember how for some hookups I refused to touch or make out with the other guy because he was not attractive but I was horny and just wanted to get sucked off. I've also blocked hookups who I didn't find attractive almost immediately after the deed got done. And the thing was, back then, I didn't feel bad at all for that, because I assumed everyone knew that this was purely transactional, and if I wanted it to be a one-time thing, I'm just blocking them.

That said though, I was definitely much less of a douchebag than the average Grindr guy with an inflated ego.

I'm just thankful I don't have to deal with the hissiness of Grindr or Jack'd anymore, and with playing the whole dating game.

-----

http://www.avclub.com/article/aziz-ansari-gets-candid-about-love-elusive-and-sad-92476

This is kind of related.

Sunday, February 23, 2014

LIFE AIN'T BAD DAWG

Yeah so, life isn't bad at all! Yeah, I'm unemployed, and yeah, I'm in my mid-twenties, and yeah, lots of uncertainty everywhere, but it's okay!

I think in general I feel more relaxed when my dad (or mom) is around, to kind of just tell me that you know, I'm gonna be fine. I know, I'm a big baby, haha.

I've applied for a couple of schools so far that don't require the GMAT, and gonna be applying to two more that do. These two are tricky because, one is the top 5 best MBA schools in the world, but the GMAT is going to be such a bitch to study for dude. I imagine it's kinda like the SATs, which I studied for during my conscription days, so I was figuring geometry and stuff out while in a bunk with horny guys who were salivating over softcore magazines. I haven't even started doing any practice tests, but I'm thinking I'm going to see if I can study for it within two weeks, and get my application in by end of March.

Btw, I'm applying to do a Master's in Management. It's like an MBA, but for fresh grads. So, my current plan is to 1) get into a school in London to do a MIM 2) do "college" right this time by ACTUALLY going to classes, by going to career fairs/workshops, 3) prepare for case interviews rigorously, and aggressively apply and get into the management consulting sector, in London, 4) work for two-three years in the consulting sector, 5) then apply for an MBA back in the USofA, either at my alma mater or somewhere in the East Coast.

Why management consulting? The blatantly honest answer is, I don't think I can survive outside of the "Ivy" bubble just yet. I do need to be around people who I can relate to, and who can relate to me. More often than not, I realize these people are intellectual, driven, ambitious, and slightly pretentious. Oddly, I possess none of the first three traits and a lot more of the fourth, but it's okay. I need to be around homies.

I had a long chat with a friend who's gonna be starting with McK this year. He told me it's just like a continuation of college. I used to hate college. But now, I really do feel lost without such an artificially structured environment. And well, I want it back for a while more, until I feel more confident to stand on my own two feet.

I realize that while I like change, I prefer it to be in gradual stages. It was hypothermic rushing into the unstructured and chaotic working world. I think this will provide a sufficiently amniotic sac for myself.

Hopefully, my inchoate career goal will be able to see the light of day.

-----

I had a luncheon appointment with my dad's business colleague. I didn't know what to expect going in, but I really should have known. This was the same high-strung woman who coerced me to stay in Asia and not work in the states (her reasoning being that Asia is changing rapidly and would want to hire "local" and if I went to the states to work, I would miss out on a few years of "local" experience - well that is complete bullshit, because while yes, Asian firms are now hiring more and more local Asians instead of foreigners, they're hiring the kind of Asians that have the best of both Western and Eastern experiences), the same woman who kept telling me that I need to figure out my life goal as soon as possible and stop being so passive in life, and actually alluded my silence to being like "so if you're gay but you do nothing about it, it's pointless. just come out!" - (at that time I was still heavily depressed and in the closet and she was just not helping).

This time, she was being even weirder. She told me that I need to figure out my career plans fast, because she doesn't want to see my reaching 30 and having no job and only a boyfriend, and then by 40, boyfriendless and careerless. She cited her "plenty" of gay friends as examples - "I know plenty of gay guys who have HIV..." "no one starts a relationship wanting an open relationship, but many of my gay friends end up having orgy type of open relationships, and all kinds of STIs and drugs are involved..." "I don't know N but you never know how each of you feel about the other in 10 years...things change, feelings change."

Holy cow dude. Stop projecting your pessimism on a poor lil' kid okay. There are a lot of reasons for her "fecund" imagination, which interestingly have to do with her lack of fecundity - she has had 4 miscarriages ever since she had IVF for her first child at the age of 38 with her husband who is so clearly a flaming queen, and she well, of dubious sexuality.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is, I think the older generation still associates homosexuals with drugs, orgies, bad upbringing, and all kinds of other social iniquities, even those who are probably gay themselves. It's kind of sad, they projected societal judgments onto themselves, and have developed quite a bit of self-hatred I believe.

If there's one thing I'm actually certain about, N and I will work through all our problems (if we have any, which we rarely do now), and we will really, indubitably, build a really good family together in the future.

I watched "The Kids are All Right" today again, while N was at work (on a Sunday!). I need to get him to watch it with me too, because it's great. He told me his plan of asking a surrogate half-Chinese half-Persian lady to help us carry "half-twins," one with my sperm and another with his. This way, the kids would at least be half-biologically related. That's kinda cool.

It's really hard to explain, but N and I are literally perfect together. We're best friends, almost like brothers, or sisters sometimes (haha), and we do things for each other (I cook for him, he cooks for me), and we cuddle every night. Every day, we say "I love you," and every day, we smile goofily to each other. He also cannot stop commenting about my butt, and calls me his "tushy boy" and has a ridiculously corny line of "who needs a Toshiba when I have my tushy boy" which I usually reply "who the fuck even buys Toshiba nowadays" but it's cute.

We're cute. Haha.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Life Partner

http://waitbutwhy.com/2014/02/pick-life-partner.html

I'm back to blogging all the time, now that I am procrastinating heavily on my master's applications. I promise I will start once I finish this post. I am about an hour 15 late on my planned schedule for the day. Woops..

Life partner. The above article does make a lot of sense.

N and I aren't embarrassed to admit to others we met on Jack'd. Although yes, Jack'd is hardly considered online dating but more for online cruising, but still, it really did take quite a ginormous amount of luck for us to have met, especially when I was on holiday in London for a mere 8 days.

I've always had wicked high standards for guys. Initially, all I wanted was to find someone like this:



The most popular search that ends on my blog so far has been Mariano Di Vaio. This is Bernardo Velasco, who is arguably even hotter, and if you search hard enough on the internet, you can find a jackoff video of his.

Physical-wise, I wanted a guy who had an incredible chest, great arms, and was a few years older than me. Personality-wise, I wanted a guy who wrote short stories, or could play a guitar, or direct short films.

That was all when I was single and horny though. I mean, until now, I still watch a lot of porn and jack off to it, even though I have sex almost every day with N. Hehe.

Anyway, my point is, the article seems to state that you know, you need to keep trying till you find one, to go about romance systematically and try many failed relationships before finding the right one. I don't know if that would actually have worked for me.

I'm really glad I was just lucky really. It would really have sucked major donkey balls if I had to make a spreadsheet of potential lovers...or even date friends. All friends are friendzoned for me, I can maybe think of 2-3 guys in my life who were friends but I was interested in also (most of the time, I wasn't that close to them, and most of the time, I was more intrigued as to whether they might be gay).

N definitely started out for me as a "scantron" guy. He ticked many boxes for me. One, he is half-Persian half-white, and so that makes him foreign and exotic. Haha. Two, he's tall. Three, he used to model, and he's really easy on the eyes. Four, he went to a good school (although now...he is repeating all over again at the same good school). And the best, five, he was really into me too.

But he also didn't tick some boxes, and I was very annoyed with him initially. I feel kind of bad now, because back when we first started going out, I still wasn't in a very good mature place myself, and took it out on him a lot. One, he's younger than me, and I thought that meant i.e. less mature. Things that reinforced that were his music tastes (Pitbull and J.Lo and shit), his friends, his "i'm wearing my shades and popping my collar and I think I look cool" thing. Two, he doesn't have a big chest that I fantasize of grabbing during sex, and basically he's a skinny dude with a BMI of 18. Three, he is slightly fem, and I didn't like it. Four, he seemed like too much of a player.

The last two were quite a bother for me. Back then, I wasn't secure enough still, and firmly believed that being gay meant that I shouldn't be FABULLUSSSS. But now, all of those stuff don't matter at all to me. One, he is actually a lot more responsible than me. Two, he still has a great body although he absolutely has no butt. Three, yes, he is slightly fem, but it isn't that bad, and I just thought so because I was hypersensitive to that. Four, he's actually a lot more faithful than I ever thought he would be.

So I guess what I'm saying is, I guess you really never know for these kind of things. Love is really hard to figure out.

There was really no point to this post except to procrastinate. Fml.

Monday, February 17, 2014

HMMM


WHAT IS UP EVERYONE???


First off, I want to thank FoC for being there for me this whole time!! You're a good guy :) Thanks for the advice also, about focusing on results rather than process.


To the anon commenter, honestly ultimately, I see myself managing people. I do enjoy more of a 'delegating' and mentoring sort of role, yes I come across as a lazy young punk for saying that, but I do really enjoy the big picture way of looking at things. N and I have thought about marriage, but he needs to have an income, and welp, he's a student...Lastly, yes, it's N and I in the profile pic haha, and thanks :) So far loads of my girl friends and their girl friends have been telling me that N is so cute and has "flawless skin" and want me to introduce him to them, and I can only chuckle and say "yep well, he's not for the ladies I'm sorry" haha

Today I am posting the above song because 1. I fucking love the song, even though I have not watched Frozen but I've listened to this song at least 50 times. 2. This guy is actually incredibly, incredibly good. He's actually part of a metal band. whaaaat???


I feel the power within me coming back. Yes, I have so far been completely shit with my jobs, and I have a gaping hole from now all the way till September if/when I start grad school in London, but I firmly believe that I am young and still finding my way, I have the whole world ahead of me, it is okay to fail, and make mistakes here and there, and I will pick myself up from here and everything will be okay.


I handed in my resignation letter this morning via email, because one of my bosses (yeah, I have two, wtf) is not in HK. Within 15 minutes, I received an email from Dropbox saying that I have been kicked out of the system, and I was prevented access from their online database. No one spoke to me. For a company that is in the business of dealing people, this bitch is horrible at it.


I spoke to someone else in the company, and she told me how that when this bitch joined the firm last July, everything went upside down. She tried to rule it like a vengeful Jolie-pouty-lips banshee. I explained of all the incredibly hurtful things she has been telling to me, as a young punk who honestly has been extremely nice, earnest, and everything good so far, and she was aghast that she has been so unprofessional. She asked me why have I not spoken to her about the Bitch, and I said, it was because I did not want to appear weak in front of others, and I wanted to really change the impression she had of me, but it proved to be an uphill task. She said, honestly, from day one, the Bitch seemed to be out to get me, and that I need to learn that I can't always be so nice, and have to learn how to play office politics.


That's just really sad. If I can echo what Ellen Page recently said in her coming out video (mad props girl!), "this world would be a whole lot better if we just made an effort to be less horrible to one another. If we took just 5 minutes to recognize each other's beauty, instead of attacking each other for our differences. That's not hard."


Anyway, yes it is my fault that I did not go to anyone else. Well, the Bitch told me that she is sort of my "HR" so how was I supposed to go to her for problems, when she was the problem itself for me? Anyway, water under the bridge. She finally had a phone call with me and just lambasted me for throwing this on her without notifying her beforehand (I don't get it? If I quit, that means I quit, why is there anything to discuss?).

I explained to my dad how the Bitch has been really horrible to me. So here's the thing, I mentioned before that my dad is a client of theirs. Yes, he agreed to employ them because he wanted to show support to his clearly "rebellious" son for not going into the "professional" fields (when I told him I wanted to quit, my dad told me I should go and study law now and be a lawyer, lmaooo, love him). He sent a text to the guy he's been speaking to at my firm and said,

"Please ask [the Bitch] to shut up and stop spreading around uncalled for remarks about [me] in his last few days with your company."

HAHAHAHAHA. Fuck dude. She was livid and started just spreading even more venom about me. Honestly, this Bitch is also really fucking thick in the head. My dad was gonna give them a big account, well too bad he ain't now. I spoke to the guy after, and said things have just been difficult between me and her, and he agrees, that she had unrealistic expectations of a twentysomething young punk fresh from school, who clearly needed more guidance and direction and investing, but somehow I didn't receive that.

Dude. I swear everyone else in the office is actually great, except her. Too bad because I can't actually switch bosses because she's the head of my whole team, and there isn't any other team to go to (the rest are all Partner level...)

Anyway, lessons learned:

  1. Some times, it does not pay to be nice. I have not gossiped about her to anybody else in the office, but apparently she has been spreading venom about me. Why? About a poor old twentysomething fresh grad? Only on my last day, did I very diplomatically reveal that she has been making my life hell for no reason. I don't think people believe me though...except my peers, who really do.
  2. A start-up is only a good place to be in only if everybody else has a "start-up" mentality. The Bitch came from a big firm before, and was fucking corporate in her mindset, and conflicting in everything she was telling me ("Be my friend and listen to me whine!" "Wait, I am your boss and do what the fuck I tell you!" "Wait, be my friend again and listen to me whine!")
  3. Even the lady who I talked to today who told me that the Bitch turned everything upside down, told me, "work for a male boss next time." It is so true. Women bosses are just. fucking. complicated. In my interviews in the future, I am going to explicitly ask if my boss is a dude, and also, if he might be Latino, and very fit, and....hahaha, j/k. I have my dearest N ;)
  4. As a fresh grad, everything is scary. It really is thus best to join a very structured graduate training program instead. Be surrounded by likeminded peers, have constant feedback, etc. I was just alone here (everyone else in the HK office was Partner level), everyone seemed sooo distant from me, and it was just killing me.
  5. Personal things I learned: I am very forgetful. When it comes to things that need extreme micromanaging, I tend to falter. I have been improving on it however, and in my next job, I will be a lot more organized I believe.
THINGS WILL GET BETTER IN THE FUTURE!!!! That really, is the only thing I have to believe in. So far, because I have had horrid experiences with my jobs, I am cracking my head over how am I going to explain the gaping hole of unemployment until my semester starts...if I do go to school again...

Sunday, February 16, 2014

the world is my oyster

and it scares me.

some times i feel this crushing sense of defeat. i am trying to get an academic referee for my applications, and it struck me that the only person i could ask was my freshman advisor, back in 2009. oh. my. god. i have skipped so many classes in college, and paid zero respect to anybody except in freshman year when i still cared about school. now i just have no professor to really turn to. i remember in college how for some classes i would get As on all my written tests, but still end up with an A-/B+ because i got extremely poor participation points.

the truth is, i really dread going back to school. i never wanted to do anything after a bachelor's except for an MBA! and that's because an MBA really isn't like school! it's all about the networking, and the environment, and the ideas and creativity, rather than a structured school environment. do i want to do a master's in finance, when i absolutely hate numbers??? do i want to do a master's in management, when it would seem odd when eventually i wanna apply for an MBA??

what am i really doing with my life?

but if i don't go to school in london, then N and i will be apart. three years of long-distance is just way, way too hard to think about.

selfishly, i want him to study in hk.

Intense food for thought

http://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2014/02/why-writers-are-the-worst-procrastinators/283773/

The title, and the first half of the article is actually kinda boring. But the second half really made me furrow my eyebrows.

The writer is describing me, along with many of my friends, and others of my generation.
"I’ll hire someone who’s twenty-seven, and he’s fine,” says Todd, who manages a car rental operation in the Midwest. “But if I hire someone who’s twenty-three or twenty-four, they need everything spelled out for them, they want me to hover over their shoulder. It’s like somewhere in those three or four years, someone flipped a switch.” They are probably harder working and more conscientious than my generation.  But many seem intensely uncomfortable with the comparatively unstructured world of work.  No wonder so many elite students go into finance and consulting—jobs that surround them with other elite grads, with well-structured reviews and advancement.

Today’s new graduates may be better credentialed than previous generations, and are often very hardworking, but only when given very explicit direction. And they seem to demand constant praise. Is it any wonder, with so many adults hovering so closely over every aspect of their lives? "
Before I delve into the article, here's a couple of updates of my life so far:

  1. N has received an unconditional offer from a London university, and is slated to start school (all over again, so 3 years) in September of this year.
  2. I have actually had enough with my job, and how I am constantly being criminalized and unappreciated for the good things that I bring to the team.
  3. My boss actually IMed me "i would like to know why you are angry and carrying an attitude about you." After I replied, "sure, we can talk about it over the phone some time today," she has ignored me since.
  4. I am ready to quit on Monday.
The article has bang-on hit the nail on the spot. I am fucking terrified of how unstructured the working world is, outside of professional jobs like law, medicine, banking, consulting, accountancy. Everything else seems ridiculously vague, and I can't deal with it. My boss constantly chides me for requiring her to explain everything to me, and I have not been able to sleep well because all she has done is to constantly criticize my work without praising anything. 

I'm definitely a victim of this whole shebang. I have been brought up in a way where I am just terrified of failure, and I find it very difficult to press on when constantly criticized. I also tend to take criticisms very personally (albeit, my boss is indeed a cunt for saying things to me like, "this is such common sense it is very atypical of someone who graduated from a top American college to be like this" well fuckubitch), and it has really have had a bad toll on my mental health. I can't sleep at night. I have strange uncomfortable anxious thoughts in the middle of the night about my work performance. I second-guess everything I do, because I keep being told that I am wrong. 

Anyway, I'm quitting. Yeah I know. I'm horrible. I've really given this whole "taking the path not taken" shit a shot though, with my two jobs so far. And honestly, after reading the above article, I feel that I just need to go back on the bandwagon that I initially was adamant to not be a part of. 

I need structure. But I crave freedom. I don't want to be a robot, but when left to "roam" and take "initiative" (which basically means read our fucking minds) while confronted with the very real possibility (and sadly, eventuality) of being chided once I "fail," I am unable to handle it. The entire process is just not conducive at all. You tell me to do whatever and stop asking for defined instructions all the time, and then when I screw up, you berate me for not having better "sense" which can only come about when I have years of experience like you. Well I'm sorry - my fragile coddled ego cannot handle your shitty mentoring anymore.

Maybe I should just turn back and be a goddamn banker or consultant. Sure, I would be miserable with very long hours, but at least I would be surrounded by all my fellow elite grads who would understand me, relate to me, and the structure will keep me feeling safe. 

I am now in the midst of applying to master's in London, so that I can be with N when he goes back. I dread going back to school, and I do find that I have very little to relate to British people, but this is the most viable option for me to move to London. 

Btw, Happy belated Valentine's all. Mine was very quiet since N was working night shift, but we both put it on Facebook that we're in a relationship so that's cool (except, we didn't put each other's names haha). 

Saturday, February 8, 2014

motherfucking

shit.

my fucking cunt of a boss doubled my probation period. effectively, she's telling me that everything i've done over the last three months has been utter crap.

this is the most insulting thing ever. i am a fucking graduate from one of the best schools in the states. you shitbag. you're just so fucking nitpicky and menstrual about everything. THIS IS REALLY WHY i cannot stand women bosses. they take everything so personally and hold a grudge for motherfucking forever. dude. chillax. ive been giving my 110% to get through all the goddamn stupid admin shit that honestly isnt worth my goddamn time for you guys, only to be crucified each time i make one slip-up. i must have somehow pissed them off so bad; they say i have an attitude problem when seriously, i don't.

i've really been trying so hard. and the boss is like, 'i feel like you're scared of me.' no shit sherlock, you're fucking temperamental. who the fuck tells a "team member" that "lately, the fuse has been you. you are the cause of everyone's temper."

what the fuck. fuck off. and then she's like 'i feel like you have a wall up between us - you don't want to gossip with the girls!'

no fucking shit sherlock. why the fuck would i gossip about other people in the office WITH my boss, ABOUT the other dudes in the office? and then i have to hear her whine and complain about her own boss and i'm like, yeah, wait till you hear what i have to say about you.

i really thought this time i found something that i quite liked, and that i didnt need to sell my soul to learn some stuff. so far, i've learned quite a lot for sure, but these are really one of the most anal retentive bitches i've come across.

for one: they fucking go nuts when i dont do a DOUBLE SPACE after ever period. HOW FUCKING DATED IS THAT SHIT.

two: apparently any number below 10 has to be spelled out, like nine. but anything above, like 15, has to be a number. WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE AN AD AGENCY?

three: VERBS. VERBS are apparently useless. If one of my notes start with a "Will be following up on this." APPARENTLY "will be" IS NOT ALLOWED. "Following up on this." is pre-fucking-ferred.

every thing they seem to find fault with me have been woefully stupidly small, and yet they say 'if i cannot cross this admin hurdle, then i cannot be relied on to move on to the other things.'

i'm sorry. these bitches need some slapping. i'm the only minion in the HK office for now - within this three months, i swear i am going to quit before they fire my overqualified ass. i hope they find someone else quick to replace me, because they're going to face even more manpower issues after i leave.

also, i was fucking kind/stupid enough to rope my dad in as a client - fuck that. my dad is boycotting the firm. well, as soon as i find another job that is...

so, basically. 2014. back to the drawing board. i have officially have had two 'real' jobs so far, and both have lasted/will last less than 6 months. obviously, i am having a lot of self doubts now as to whether im the problem here, but i swear, i just always feel like my talents are just not being utilized. but i really don't get what kind of stuff fits me - all i'm really good at is talking to people...

this blog has really just gone to shit now. nothing about this post is about my gay life, or anything. gah.

Sunday, February 2, 2014

i don't know i feel really weird about everything. N might go back to london by october for school if he doesn't transfer to school in HK, and my bosses at work actually really do not like me because i'm not what they really do need (basically a glorified personal assistant - fuck that shit), and i keep thinking of quitting now and moving to london, which is bad, because i seem to keep quitting whenever i don't get along with my bosses, but that's really because lady bosses are menstrual banshees. (not my fault at all...jk). but anyway,

what the fuck am i going to do in 2014 too??? fuck! and i thought 2013 was uncertain enough, and now with N things are gonna be a lot more stable and shit but no. fuck. if he moves to london, i'm not gonna stay put here...i'm really just gonna go with him i think. we both agree that it is actually going to be excruciatingly difficult for us to be apart.

one of my options is to do a master of finance in london. i fucking hate school, and i hated school in london, and i'm sure masters is a bitch to study for, but if it can get me to london to be with N, and actually allow me to also differ working for bitches for a while, maybe that's a good idea.

also, random but no idea why i called N, N. N is his middle name. lol. his first name is an exotic persian name, but N is just like, regular shit.