Sunday, February 23, 2014


Yeah so, life isn't bad at all! Yeah, I'm unemployed, and yeah, I'm in my mid-twenties, and yeah, lots of uncertainty everywhere, but it's okay!

I think in general I feel more relaxed when my dad (or mom) is around, to kind of just tell me that you know, I'm gonna be fine. I know, I'm a big baby, haha.

I've applied for a couple of schools so far that don't require the GMAT, and gonna be applying to two more that do. These two are tricky because, one is the top 5 best MBA schools in the world, but the GMAT is going to be such a bitch to study for dude. I imagine it's kinda like the SATs, which I studied for during my conscription days, so I was figuring geometry and stuff out while in a bunk with horny guys who were salivating over softcore magazines. I haven't even started doing any practice tests, but I'm thinking I'm going to see if I can study for it within two weeks, and get my application in by end of March.

Btw, I'm applying to do a Master's in Management. It's like an MBA, but for fresh grads. So, my current plan is to 1) get into a school in London to do a MIM 2) do "college" right this time by ACTUALLY going to classes, by going to career fairs/workshops, 3) prepare for case interviews rigorously, and aggressively apply and get into the management consulting sector, in London, 4) work for two-three years in the consulting sector, 5) then apply for an MBA back in the USofA, either at my alma mater or somewhere in the East Coast.

Why management consulting? The blatantly honest answer is, I don't think I can survive outside of the "Ivy" bubble just yet. I do need to be around people who I can relate to, and who can relate to me. More often than not, I realize these people are intellectual, driven, ambitious, and slightly pretentious. Oddly, I possess none of the first three traits and a lot more of the fourth, but it's okay. I need to be around homies.

I had a long chat with a friend who's gonna be starting with McK this year. He told me it's just like a continuation of college. I used to hate college. But now, I really do feel lost without such an artificially structured environment. And well, I want it back for a while more, until I feel more confident to stand on my own two feet.

I realize that while I like change, I prefer it to be in gradual stages. It was hypothermic rushing into the unstructured and chaotic working world. I think this will provide a sufficiently amniotic sac for myself.

Hopefully, my inchoate career goal will be able to see the light of day.


I had a luncheon appointment with my dad's business colleague. I didn't know what to expect going in, but I really should have known. This was the same high-strung woman who coerced me to stay in Asia and not work in the states (her reasoning being that Asia is changing rapidly and would want to hire "local" and if I went to the states to work, I would miss out on a few years of "local" experience - well that is complete bullshit, because while yes, Asian firms are now hiring more and more local Asians instead of foreigners, they're hiring the kind of Asians that have the best of both Western and Eastern experiences), the same woman who kept telling me that I need to figure out my life goal as soon as possible and stop being so passive in life, and actually alluded my silence to being like "so if you're gay but you do nothing about it, it's pointless. just come out!" - (at that time I was still heavily depressed and in the closet and she was just not helping).

This time, she was being even weirder. She told me that I need to figure out my career plans fast, because she doesn't want to see my reaching 30 and having no job and only a boyfriend, and then by 40, boyfriendless and careerless. She cited her "plenty" of gay friends as examples - "I know plenty of gay guys who have HIV..." "no one starts a relationship wanting an open relationship, but many of my gay friends end up having orgy type of open relationships, and all kinds of STIs and drugs are involved..." "I don't know N but you never know how each of you feel about the other in 10 years...things change, feelings change."

Holy cow dude. Stop projecting your pessimism on a poor lil' kid okay. There are a lot of reasons for her "fecund" imagination, which interestingly have to do with her lack of fecundity - she has had 4 miscarriages ever since she had IVF for her first child at the age of 38 with her husband who is so clearly a flaming queen, and she well, of dubious sexuality.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is, I think the older generation still associates homosexuals with drugs, orgies, bad upbringing, and all kinds of other social iniquities, even those who are probably gay themselves. It's kind of sad, they projected societal judgments onto themselves, and have developed quite a bit of self-hatred I believe.

If there's one thing I'm actually certain about, N and I will work through all our problems (if we have any, which we rarely do now), and we will really, indubitably, build a really good family together in the future.

I watched "The Kids are All Right" today again, while N was at work (on a Sunday!). I need to get him to watch it with me too, because it's great. He told me his plan of asking a surrogate half-Chinese half-Persian lady to help us carry "half-twins," one with my sperm and another with his. This way, the kids would at least be half-biologically related. That's kinda cool.

It's really hard to explain, but N and I are literally perfect together. We're best friends, almost like brothers, or sisters sometimes (haha), and we do things for each other (I cook for him, he cooks for me), and we cuddle every night. Every day, we say "I love you," and every day, we smile goofily to each other. He also cannot stop commenting about my butt, and calls me his "tushy boy" and has a ridiculously corny line of "who needs a Toshiba when I have my tushy boy" which I usually reply "who the fuck even buys Toshiba nowadays" but it's cute.

We're cute. Haha.


  1. I spent most of my early twenties, just enjoying life and living in almost complete uncertainty and I wouldn't change it for anything. Just go with your gut.

  2. The uncertainty of the future is unnerving sometimes, but you will adapt. People rise to challenges they face. I think that's why your parents believe you will be fine. It also rebuilds your confidence when people support you.

    Failure in the moment is depressing but when you learn lessons from it, the experience provides value in ways you may not appreciate. We all fail sometimes in our careers and life, and that teaches us how to cope.

    Who setup this appointment with this lady anyway? Her "advice" to you seems to just be a warning, not a prediction of where you will end up 20-30 years from now. What you should focus on is building a good life for you and N.

    While it's great to live in the moment, most of us know that life is a marathon and not a sprint, so you need to build a foundation for future success. That's what all this preparation is about, building stepping stones that advance you in the future. Education is one key element, experience in your chosen field is another.

    Your plan is a start, but I would suggest you think about what it is you want out of your professional life -- what goals, what do you want to achieve? It's OK to say a job is a job and that's to provide a standard of living for you to live your "real" life doing things with N.

    1. Your last sentence - exactly how I feel. "Passion" is one of the most overused phoney words in our lifetime, IMHO. I'm not "passionate" about building a career, and I don't see why I should's funny because it seems like employers think that everyone in the world has a "passion" for the job they're offering.

      My passion is to have a good enough work life balance and be able to go on holidays and raise kids and everything. My passion is to really just find something that I do pretty well in, pays kinda well, has enough room for career advancement, and something that in the bigger picture of things, doesn't make me unhappy. That's more than good enough.

  3. Here's the dilemma a lot of people face -- do you live to work or do you work to live? Obviously those are extremes so most people are somewhere in the middle.

    Your desires are reasonable. Balance is very important, especially when too much focus on work will adversely impact your personal/family life. Going back to school may seem like starting all over again. But maybe you need adjust the expectations you want the items you checked off to happen.

    If it takes longer than you expected, that's OK as long as you are happy with the progress you are making. Like I said most careers are build on steps, you don't jump from the bottom of the staircase to the top in one leap.

    And since you increasingly see a strong future with N, the steps you take today are also going to affect him as well, and vice versa what he does with his education and career is going to impact your lives together.